HaLF: It's not about weight limits, it's about height limits

[Beeker]

[I]OOC: I opted to step away from the massive Tigerkinney farewell show and the machine which is Ring of Fromage. :D Also I had some other things going on in life, one of which I’ll be hyping up closer to the time of it (in three weeks.) On the upside, I kinda dig the voices of Ant-Acid and Soul Shaker. (Bonus marks if anyone knows who the Haaajj reference is about.)[/I] *** Bar Juarez jumps as a dance floor replaces the wrestling ring, but I’m not feeling the buzz. Maybe it’s the music or maybe the ice mandated by the Autumn heat dilutes my drink or… yah… that’s it… somehow I’m trapped in a conversation between zombie-talk Soul Shaker and finger-antennae Ant-Acid. I’m lost. And scared. I’ve been a lot of places but between the ‘raaaaar’s and the finger wiggling, I keep expecting them to suddenly burst out laughing as the boys in the back (well in the bar) pull off a rib months in the making. But they don’t. And they’re giving me a very wide berth. This means both Soul Shaker and Ant-Acid are really into their gimmicks OR there are no gimmicks at all. I’m not sure which scares me more. I know things are horrible when I’m hoping to flag down Wii Mario or ‘Ead Stone to join the conversation and save me. I know things are beyond horrible when I spy Hal Facutt and Cerebros McGhee toasting and roasting my plight… repeatedly. I know things are beyond, beyond horrible when the bar staff stop refreshing my drinks for fear of being caught in the oddly hypnotic display of Soul Shaker and Ant-Acid. At least Kowled Kudo, Shim and Miya celebrate the title changing hands with more sake than I’ve seen in quite some time. When they call it a night Kudo even sways a bit. Most of the wrestlers and fans dance, drink and depart while I’m trapped between an Ant and a Dead Man. I know I’m a booker when I muse over if an ant-zombie faction would be feasible. It was a long… yet oddly soothing… night.

[Beeker]

Maybe it was a bad burrito. Or the local water finally caught up with me. Or… I don’t know what I did in order to experience the sorts of nightmares that would make Salvador Dali shudder in fear and take to drinking warm milk and nutmeg to sooth a mind plagued with these sorts of neuroses. *** A large block of Camembert cheese in a beret with a self-twirling handlebar moustache with a C0ckney accent sits atop the table surrounded by the spoils of a successful invasion of Europe as well as some sashimi and sake as bubbles of cheese pop in the air as the Camembert extols the virtue of the great lactose vs. sucrose symposium of 2012. *** A monkey rides on the back of a tiger while being chased by a hooded Great Silver shark through the forest. The monkey disappears with a chittering pop up the vine of a tree and the shark ‘swims’ into a granite cliff leaving naught by tiger and a mass of silver… which slowly starts to reform itself but can’t seem to find the shape it wants. The hood hovers in an imperious fashion beside the swirl of silver. Why is the tiger holding a burning hammer in its mouth? Must be a fable of some sort. *** In Minnesota something happens but the reception is fuzzy and I stopped paying attention months and months ago. *** Wanda Fish plays an Atari 2600 in a forest of Samoan oak and Giant Starfish while monks chant [I]“Brutha”[/I] as she battles the forces of flexing good as a collection of lucha masked men float about a celestial pastry. *** Buy some merchandise! Sell some merchandise! *** In New York a dragon awakes… safe to assume it’ll be better than Godzilla. Keep backing the Mack people. *** A beautiful Latina woman stares deeply into my eyes wearing little more than a dental floss bikini. Her eyes are a startling shade of green. She taps an invisible wristwatch to inform me it is time. I reach for her, smiling brightly. Warmth radiates from my hand. I reach for her again; a droning noise rings in the base of my ears and vibrates along my marrow to every point of my being. She finally speaks, in a low, sullen, gravel-growl that doesn't suit her at all, [I]“Wake up gawddammit!”[/I] *** [I]“Wake up gawddammit. Jesus f*ck! Yer droolin’ like Shandy Lover over one o’ them Jap rasslin’ DVDs.” “Blaaaah. Waaah?” “I dunno why the f*ck ya eats all this Mexicano grub. All refried n’ pretried crap!” “Gaaah?”[/I] My beautiful Latina refocuses to become Cerebros. I hate my life. [I]"You f*cken talk like Soul Shaker." “Is it June of 2008 yet?” “Good f*ck you’re an idiot. You send me out to get slaughtered by Will and you’re the one with memory problems. F*cking moron! No you inbred idiot, it’s October 2007 and Paquetes Mortales Pequenos looms and I want a good card.”[/I] Cerebros punts me once in the shoulder as I realize he’s standing atop my desk. He clambers down and leaves my office and I distinctly hear him state, loud enough for me to hear. [I]“F*cking pathetic. I hate a man who can’t hold his drink. Canadian p*ssy.”[/I] Why couldn’t it be June 2008, I’m sure I’d have a good reason to quit this gig around that time. Maybe Shimedzu would be champ of somewhere and Eddie Peak going sharkishly stir crazy or Merle O’Curle might be the most feared man in Europe (after Simon Cowell.) Instead I’m stuck in Chihuahua for the foreseeable future with an angry dwarf as a boss. [quote] [B][U][COLOR="Red"]Prediction card for Paquetes Mortales Pequenos[/COLOR][/U][/B] Kowled Kudo vs. Semi-Strong [I]for the HaLF Openweight title[/I] Jock Giedroyc vs. ‘Ead Stone Will Power vs. The Riot (Shim and Miya) Wii Mario vs. Padre Dolor El Hijo del Mufasa vs. Soul Shaker vs. El Pandito Timmy Cromwell vs. Relámpagito Shandy Lover vs. Ant-Acid vs. Cal Genio vs. Ni-Lo [/quote] [I]OOC: My slightly surreal confession that… I’m sticking with TEW 07 and HaLF for a while. [/I]:D

[Marcel Fromage]

LOL at the previous post... [B]Kowled Kudo [/B]vs. Semi-Strong for the HaLF Openweight title [I]Cos he just won it and Strong sucks[/I] Jock Giedroyc vs. [B]‘Ead Stone[/B] [I]Ah the battle is rejoined. Two of my favourite characters in the diary, but I have to go with my 'Ead.[/I] Will Power vs. [B]The Riot (Shim and Miya)[/B] [I]I don't think the tag team should be losing a handicap match. Expect shenanigins[/I] Wii Mario vs. [B]Padre Dolor[/B] [I]Toss a coin[/I] El Hijo del Mufasa vs. [B]Soul Shaker [/B]vs. El Pandito [I]He's the only one with a name that doesn't sound like you should go 'awwww'[/I] [B]Timmy Cromwell [/B]vs. Relámpagito [I]Timmy gets back on track[/I] [B]Shandy Lover [/B]vs. Ant-Acid vs. Cal Genio vs. Ni-Lo [I]Any of these could win...except Ni-Lo. I'll go with the one I like best.[/I]

[Tigerkinney]

Prediction card for Paquetes Mortales Pequenos [B]Kowled Kudo[/B] vs. Semi-Strong for the HaLF Openweight title [I]For exactly the same reasons Marcel said[/I] Jock Giedroyc vs. [B]‘Ead Stone[/B] [I]Lazy predicting or just sensibly following the crowd ?[/I] Will Power vs. [B]The Riot (Shim and Miya)[/B] [I]Will will put up a good fight but I don't think your top tag team, even if there is no Tag Titles should be made to look like a pair of jobbers. Kudo will get involved though, so Power will have an 'excuse' for the loss.[/I] Wii Mario vs. [B]Padre Dolor[/B] [I]I've noticed that Mario has an entertaining character, but he doesn't win too often and Dolor's quietly been putting together a decent run and could be a future Title candidate. [/I] El Hijo del Mufasa vs. [B]Soul Shaker[/B] vs. El Pandito [I]From what I can gather, Soul Shaker seems a bit higher on the Half Totem Pole of pushes, than the other two in this match. [/I] [B]Timmy Cromwell[/B] vs. Relámpagito [I]Cromwell needs to bounce back with a victory to keep himself in the HaLF Openweight Title hunt[/I]. [B]Shandy Lover[/B] vs. Ant-Acid vs. Cal Genio vs. Ni-Lo [I]Shandy's coming back from a hiatus and he'll get the welcome back win.[/I]

[Maximilian_WWW]

Prediction card for Paquetes Mortales Pequenos [B]Kowled Kudo[/B] vs. Semi-Strong for the HaLF Openweight title [I]Kudo seems to be your best wrestler. And semi-strong is still rather weak.[/I] Jock Giedroyc vs. [B]‘Ead Stone[/B] [I]He just won the four-way so I'm guessing you're pushing him.[/I] Will Power vs. [B]The Riot (Shim and Miya)[/B] [I]Someone will attack Will and then he'll lose.[/I] Wii Mario vs. [B]Padre Dolor[/B] [I]Power of the cross beats power of the nunchuk.[/I] El Hijo del Mufasa vs. [B]Soul Shaker[/B] vs. El Pandito [I]He just beat the guy who's getting the title match so I figure he beats these two jabronis.[/I] [B]Timmy Cromwell[/B] vs. Relámpagito [I]Timmy needs to get back on track.[/I] Shandy Lover vs. [B]Ant-Acid[/B] vs. Cal Genio vs. Ni-Lo [I]Coolest character of them all. Plain and simple.[/I]

[Guest Bolton]

[B]Kowled Kudo[/B] vs. Semi-Strong for the HaLF Openweight title [I]Semi-Strong brutha![/I] Jock Giedroyc vs. [B]‘Ead Stone[/B] [I]I see a wine being passed around backstage...[/I] [B]Will Power[/B] vs. The Riot (Shim and Miya) [I]Obviously to regain momentuem[/I] Wii Mario vs. [B]Padre Dolor[/B] [I]Wii suffers a malfunction and gets broken down[/I] El Hijo del Mufasa vs. [B]Soul Shaker[/B] vs. El Pandito [I]Want more Shake N' Bake jokes? Well you don't get any. Soul Shaker really puts the dance in three way dance.[/I] [B]Timmy Cromwell[/B] vs. Relámpagito [I]He'll drop a concreate block..[/I] Shandy Lover vs. [B]Ant-Acid[/B] vs. Cal Genio vs. Ni-Lo [I]Shandy will end up in a drinking contest with Hal and end up passing out in the middle of the ring, thus Ant-Acid's victory.[/I]

[Beeker]

[B][COLOR="Red"]HaLF: Paquetes Mortales Pequenos[/COLOR][/B] [B]Date:[/B] Saturday, Week 3, October 2007 [B]Held:[/B] Bar Juarez [B]Attendance:[/B] 268 Typical. My last post takes a shot at Monkeypox for disappearing like a ship in the Bermuda Triangle and he no sells it by creating a poll and adding a new post within hours. No wonder I hate that damn monkey so! I blame him for the less than stellar attendance. Clearly all the viewers are salivating over which edition of MaRK Cuban does DaVE ‘pox will infest in 08. Or will it! Poor DaVE. This might have been up earlier but I'll say 'forum malfunctions' delayed it a while. *** The show opens as Kowled Kudo’s music pipes through the sound system. He leads Shim and Miya down to ringside and takes the microphone to address the audience, the HaLF Openweight title draped proudly over his shoulder. [I]“Good evening fans and supporters. It has been brought to my attention that the house is not full this night, that some perhaps hope that by not attending they can undo what I wrought last month, when I vanquished the – ahem – inspirational Will Power and terminated his overlong reign at my first opportunity. In addition to my accomplishments in HaLF the sole star in the firmament I’ve also taken under my tutelage the only tag team worth a jot in this federation the legends in the making, Shim and Miya… the Riot! Now take a good look peons as you are witnessing the most dominant force in the history of minis wrestling in Mexico. Naturally it took importing those minis from outside the country since the generic and genetically inferior clones you produce here means the chances of there ever being a HaLF champion born and reared in the hamlets and hovels of Mexico are non-existent. To further extend my reign and my rule I have negotiated the services of Shim and Miya and together… we shall pay tribute to our brethren in the Far East… and you fortunate serfs can remember the fact you were present at the birth of… [b]The Bronze Wyvern Tail!”[/B][/i] Kudo drops the mic and the three hit what can only be called the Bronze Wyvern Tail pose. [B][COLOR="Red"]Details: Kowled Kudo, Shim and Miya form a stable (3:00; D)[/COLOR][/B] - ([I]Tigerkinney marks out![/I]) Cutting to the back on the wall of TVs, Cerebros power-waddles down the hallway as around the corner two distinctive voices can be heard arguing. It’s hard not to recognize the heavily accented Jock Giedroyc and ‘Ead Stone. [I]“Och aye. Jus’ try a wee spot o’ black puddin’. It may well smack yer gob… inna bonnie way!” “Tu dress wearing, basse couture Eengleesh-homme. Je ne mange jamais le ‘pudding’ de sang! Zoot alors! Mon Dieu. Tu… tu… tu…” “Och. Nex’ yer gonna offer up some brie n’ poutine.” “Poutine? Poutine! Zat iz ze food of the Quebecois. I am a Freeench-homme!” “’N I’m a bloody Scot, so you call me one o’ them bufty southerners agin n’ I’m knock ye arse o’er teakettle. Understan’ me ya daft bugger?” “J’ ‘ave yet to underztand a word out of your uncouth bush ever. Je voudrais vous allez Japan encore. Peut-être you could learn some haut couture. Tu enjoy les poisson crus?” “Bollocks ta that. I dinnae ken wot yer on about, but I ain’t no Paw-son crusser!”[/I] Finally Cerebros interrupts as only he can. [I]“Of for f*ck’s sake. You two are again at each other’s gawddamned throats? You only just got back from Japland Jocko and ‘Ead could you go one, bloody, show without making me want to take a f*cking chisel to your mask? Screw it. You to @ssholes can work this bullsh!t out now… in the damn ring. Since we’ve yet to have a f*cking match tonight. GO NOW!”[/I] [B][COLOR="red"]Details: Jock and ‘Ead argue. Cerebros makes a match. (3:00; E+)[/COLOR][/B] [B]Jock Giedroyc vs. ‘Ead Stone[/B] [IMG]http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/dd6/Beeker_photos/HaLF/JockGiedroyc.jpg[/IMG] vs. [IMG]http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/dd6/Beeker_photos/HaLF/EadStone_beret.jpg[/IMG] Jock and ‘Ead emerge from the back battling from Cerebros’ proclamation. Whatever Jock learned in Japan it wasn’t enough to overcome ‘Ead Stone’s pretentious cheating and one Ze Zuper Duper Zenton later ‘Ead emerged victorious again over Giedroyc. [B][COLOR="red"]Details: ‘Ead Stone pins Jock Giedroyc via Ze Zuper Duper Zenton (8:09; D)[/COLOR][/B] A hype video would have been shown for the following four-way match but someone turned the channels to get an update on a Mexico International Football Friendly. [COLOR="red"][B]Details: Four way hype video (1:00; E-)[/B][/COLOR] [B]Shandy Lover vs. Ni-Lo vs. Ant-Acid vs. Cal Genio[/B] [IMG]http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/dd6/Beeker_photos/HaLF/ShandyLover.jpg[/IMG] vs. [IMG]http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/dd6/Beeker_photos/HaLF/Ni-Lo.jpg[/IMG] vs. [IMG]http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/dd6/Beeker_photos/HaLF/Antacid.jpg[/IMG] vs. [IMG]http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/dd6/Beeker_photos/HaLF/CalGenio.jpg[/IMG] Shandy shows a bit of jet lag, Cal shows some more mad genius in his move attempts even if they take minutes of set-up, Ni-Lo continues to work on his J-Lo impression during lulls in the match and Ant-Acid flies like a winged ant. The mandatory ‘hit the finishers in short order’ ends with an Ant-Acid Rain Bomb flooring Ni-Lo and giving Ant-Acid the win! [B][COLOR="red"]Details: Ant-Acid over Shandy, Cal and Ni-Lo via Ant-Acid Rain Bomb on Ni-Lo (9:33; D-)[/COLOR][/B] [B]Wii Mario vs. Padre Dolor[/B] [IMG]http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/dd6/Beeker_photos/HaLF/WiiMario.jpg[/IMG] vs. [IMG]http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/dd6/Beeker_photos/HaLF/PadreDolor.jpg[/IMG] How not to hype a match (see below) which means without build up, Wii Mario forces Padre Dolor to tap to the Nintendon Stretch. [B][COLOR="red"]Details: Wii Mario over Padre Dolor via submission with the Nintendon Stretch (7:49; D)[/COLOR][/B] Soul Shaker sloooowly makes his way to the ring with a… mic? [I]“Grrrrar Raaaah M’Faaaaaasa. M’Faaaassaa Muuuuah Ha Ha. Mmmmm. M’Faaaasssaah! Teeeee Geeeee Ceeee!”[/I] In keeping with wrestling tradition apparently El Hijo del Mufasa understands zombie and takes umbrage at this undead slight. Mufasa sprints towards the ring but an out-of-the-crowd clothesline reveals it all to be a set up! El Pandito grabs a steel chair and bludgeons the heroic lion cub repeatedly. Roberto Mendez does the only thing he can think of to stop the carnage. He makes this a three way match. [B]El Hijo del Mufasa vs. Soul Shaker vs. El Pandito[/B] [IMG]http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/dd6/Beeker_photos/HaLF/ElHijodelMufasa2.jpg[/IMG] vs. [IMG]http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/dd6/Beeker_photos/HaLF/SoulShaker.jpg[/IMG] vs. [IMG]http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/dd6/Beeker_photos/HaLF/ElPandito.jpg[/IMG] El Pandito rolls Mufasa into the ring and dismantles his hated rival while Soul Shaker adds an occasional superfluous and insulting shot to Mufasa. Mufasa hope spots are infrequent and short-lived. Finally, El Pandito hoists up Mufasa and plants him into the mat with a Pure Punditry and then stands aside to allow Soul Shaker to make the pin. [COLOR="red"][B]Details: Sneak attack on El Hijo del Mufasa (2:00; E+) leading to Soul Shaker over El Hijo del Mufasa and El Pandito via pinfall on Mufasa (10:48; D+)[/B][/COLOR] Backstage again and Will Power answers a knock at his locker room door. Twin riot batons lash into the former champ as the Riot barge through the door. Before Shim and Miya and follow up on their initial success they hear someone clearing their throat. The camera pans to find Timmy Cromwell wearing a c0cksure smirk and rubbing his stubbled jaw. Without the benefit of surprise and with Will Power recovering quickly, the Riot back away from the tandem of Cromwell and Power. [COLOR="red"][B]Details: Timmy foils an ambush on Will from the Riot (2:00; E)[/B][/COLOR] [B]Will Power vs. The Riot (Shim and Miya)[/B] [IMG]http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/dd6/Beeker_photos/HaLF/WillPower.jpg[/IMG] vs. [IMG]http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/dd6/Beeker_photos/HaLF/Shim.jpg[/IMG] & [IMG]http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/dd6/Beeker_photos/HaLF/Miya.jpg[/IMG] This was always going to be a difficult match for Will Power even without the pre-match baton strikes and Kowled Kudo prowling at ringside. Timmy Cromwell’s presence nullified the Kudo advantage. With the official Bronze Wyvern Tail formation happening at the start of the show they had to look strong, but it still took a low blow from Miya to open up Will up to the Shim Skull Drop. [COLOR="red"][B]Details: The Riot over Will Power via cheating. Shim pins Will. (8:34; D-)[/B][/COLOR] Timmy helps Will to the back as Relámpagito passes them with a mic. [I]“Bzzt. Zzt! Crackle! The most electric mini in Mexico needs someone to feel the charge! Again, I’m off the card. I can feel the lights dimming. My powers surging as these great fans clamour for someone, anyone, to be braves enough to come try a taste of my voltage!”[/I] Timmy turns at the curtain to the back and whispers something to Will, who nods his agreement. [B][COLOR="red"]Details: Relámpagito makes an open challenge. (1:00; E-)[/COLOR][/B] [B]Relámpagito vs. Timmy Cromwell[/B] [IMG]http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/dd6/Beeker_photos/HaLF/Relampagoito.jpg[/IMG] vs. [IMG]http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/dd6/Beeker_photos/HaLF/TimmyCromwell.jpg[/IMG] At three minutes this was too long as they show horrible chemistry, don’t click making for an awkward squash. Like a deformed mutant pumpkin. Cromwell’s Smoothed Over mercifully finishes this. [COLOR="red"][B]Details: Timmy Cromwell over Relámpagito with a Smoothed Over (2:45; E)[/B][/COLOR] Semi-Strong hits the ring and I must have only rented one mic this month or Cal nicked the other one for some contraption or other. [I]“Brahs n’ Babes. Tha originator of tha Strong Style has a problem. Ya see, all tha Strongaholics out there seem ta be doubting tha pound-for-pound strongest man in the ‘verse. I don’t get it brahs. Each and every match I’m just one Strong Arm Tactic away from picking up tha win. It’s tha most feared finisher in tha world for a reason. Tonight, tha Strong One gets a well deserved shot at tha low, down, dirty Kowled Kudo. And tha half-sized, double powered Semi-Strong promises ya all this. At tha end of tha match, brahs n’ babes, there’s gonna be a brand new champion ruling tha roost here in HaLF and that man… is tha one, tha only, Originator of Strong Style, tha most potent does of Strongahol allowed by law in Mex-He-Co. Yours truly, brahs n’ babes. Semi-Strong. So Kowled Kudo, watcha gonna do when tha pound for pound strongest man in tha world lets loose on YOU!”[/I] [B][COLOR="red"]Details: Semi-Strong promo time (3:00; D+)[/COLOR][/B] [B]Semi-Strong vs. Kowled Kudo[/B] [I]for the HaLF Openweight title[/I] [IMG]http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/dd6/Beeker_photos/HaLF/SemiStrong.jpg[/IMG] vs. [IMG]http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/dd6/Beeker_photos/HaLF/MiniHoodedKudo.jpg[/IMG] Well, again, with BWT (not the best initials I admit) just debuting and Semi-Strong having stamina akin to BHotWG’s Main Eventers Taira or Masuno and Kudo just starting his run at the top NO one, not even Sam Strong gave Semi-Strong a shot of winning. He did connect with the Strong Arm Tactic but Kudo fell through ropes ruining that opportunity. While the Strong Arm Tactic proved ineffective, the Kudo Kutter didn’t. Kudo then poses with Shim and Miya and the belt. [B][COLOR="red"]Details: Kowled Kudo over Semi-Strong via the Kudo Kutter (5:45; D+)[/COLOR][/B] [I]Kowled Kudo makes defense number one of the HaLF Openweight title.[/I] [B][COLOR="red"]Kudo (et all) pose (1:00; D)[/COLOR][/B] [B][COLOR="red"]Overall: D[/COLOR][/B] [I][U]Bonus Angle:[/U][/I] Padre Dolor and Wii Mario argue over why this argument didn’t go before their match like I intended it to. So… we’ll pretend they argued over who had to break down the ring and who got to pose for photos with the fans. [B][COLOR="red"]Details: Beeker misplaces an angle (3:00; D)[/COLOR][/B] [quote] [U]Quick Results for Paquetes Mortales Pequenos[/U] ‘Ead Stone over Jock Giedroyc (8:09; D) Ant-Acid over Cal Genio, Shandy Lover & Ni-Lo. Acid pinned Ni-Lo (9:33; D-) Wii Mario over Padre Dolor (2-1) via submission (7:49; D) Soul Shaker over El Hijo del Mufasa and El Pandito. Pandito lets Soul pick up the win. (10:48; D+) The Riot over Will Power via cheating; Shim pins Will. (8:34; D-) Timmy Cromwell over Relámpagito via Smoothed Over (2:45; E – bad chemistry) Kowled Kudo over Semi-Strong (5:46; D+) [/quote] [I]OOC: I'm still trying to find the right formatting, is the Red Details too much red? I'm going to leave it in for now, but I think it might be better in just black. Input?[/I]

[Marcel Fromage]

LOL at the misplaced angle. I think the red is good. Breaks up the sections and makes the show clearer to read.

[Beeker]

In the end Wii Mario posed for pictures and then helped break down the ring since Padre Dolor’s germophobia meant he never intended to help out and it suits his heelish nature. That’s how minis get their heat back dammit! Wii being borderline crazy and undeniably popular quickly enlisted many of the fans, swapping pics for extra hands and in near record time the ring had been removed and the dance floor emerged from under it. I think it’s because most of the fans are real sized people, and not midgets. I really need to learn to cut that sort of ‘heightism’ out. I’m getting better but every now and then I slip back into it. I’ve been here months and have made friends with some of the locker room, but not all. Like anyone, each mini is a distinct bundle of skills, abilities and emotions and bubble and mix to make for an individual. Some I get along with more than others. Obviously. Relampagito glances at me and disappears in before I can call out a hello. He might not be the most electric mini in Mexico but he may move at the speed of light(ning.) I’ll need to talk with him soon. ‘Ead Stone and Jock Giedroyc continue their rivalry by splitting off to opposite sides of the dance floor and collecting their respective fans to stage what might be the first Mexican Minis ‘So you can think you can dance’ competitive competition. It’s more than a mosh pit, but not a lot more than a mosh pit. As for the winners, well, Ni-Lo hops behind the turntables and even doing everything he can to help out Jock, if any judges were in attendance the grace and technique of ‘Ead Stone made for an easy winner. Since fan balloting is allegedly worth 50% of the vote would have been much closer since Jock’s Tartan Stomp proved very popular with his fanbase. Perhaps because even staggeringly drunk most people and manage a side-to-side dance step. Also, ‘Ead’s Granite Headspin cinched the victory, thankfully the kilt-beclad Giedroyc didn’t attempt to emulate the pretentious [I]‘big heeded Mayan tosser.’[/I] A sharp jab in my ribs draws my attention to Timmy Cromwell. [I]“Bloody bollocks Beeker.”[/I] He states, [I]“Heh. Trying sayin’ that tongue twister after a coupla pints. Sorry about the match with me n’ ‘gito. Dunno why but I swear by the three lions fer some bloody reasons he n’ I couldn’t communicate. Between the he n’ I, I doubt we could organize an orgy in a bordello with fistfuls of Pounds.”[/I] (British Pounds Sterling for my non-British readers.) [I]“Don’t worry about it.” “Don’t be a prat! The pre main event shouldn’t be a great hairy Scottish arse of a debacle.” “I’m not bothered. It was under three minutes, better than Relámpagito’s promo and offered the fans a palate cleanser before Kudo/Strong.” “You oversized git! You sent us out there to fail! You flamin’ Guy Fawkeser!”[/I] Timmy jumps from foot to foot gaining in agitation. I raise my hands to cool the situation. [I]“Whoa SI (Smooth Injustice.) Gimme a second to explain. I’d hoped you two would have electric chemistry that the fans only got a taster of so it could be built to a longer, better, more competitive match. That didn’t happen so it’s a 3 minute blotch on your record. You won, Relampagito hopefully learned something. What I’m not sure. And the fans enjoyed the main event more. Hence, no big deal you cheeky lil blighter.” “Watch it!”[/I] I wave at the girl behind the bar to tosses me a can of bitter and I pass it to Timmy. [I]“Here, there are three more behind the bar. Room temperature. See if you can’t teach Relampagito to enjoy a proper beer.” “Ta.”[/I] Timmy disappears back into the crowd and I watch the slow procession of Shandy Lover trying to make a bee-line for me but being engulfed by his legions of fans that missed his presence at the last show. After much high-fiving and hand shaking and manly-one-arm hugging and many offers of smooches or drinks. Shandy is one pretty mini. Despite the glut of heels he continues to shine as the ‘oozing machismo’ ladies man. [I]“Shandy says… Beeker needs a drink?” “Beeker says… Shandy wouldn’t be paying now would he?” “Shandy says… Beeker knows his stuff.” “Beeker says… Shandy better drop the ‘Shandy says’ or a string of ‘Beeker books’ will not end well for Shandy. If Shandy gets what I’m saying.” “Shandy does.”[/I] Then he shoots me a grin and I can tell he’s fit to bursting to tell me about Japan. I also know that he’ll have less than five minutes before his fans intrude upon our chat. [I]“Beeker. It was fantastic! I’m so sad WEXXV bankrupted itself at the end of the tour. The matches weren’t fantastic… but I was in Japan… wrestling!”[/I] [I]“I kept abreast you had what… thirteen matches and wrestled with or against Jock eight times? Does this mean I should back burner a Giedroyc/Lover match after he finishes up with ‘Ead?” “Maybe just a little while.”[/I] And he grins. [I]“Other than getting sweaty many times with Jock Giedroyc, what were the highlights?” “You just have to find the worst way of saying it, don’t you? I can see how your manner would rub Cerebros the wrong way.”[/I] Then he grins because he knows I’m teasing him and want to hear about his Japanese adventure. [I]“Tell me quick, your groupies are circling like sharks.”[/I] Shandy smiles the million peso smile again. [I]“My opening match, opening match of the card and staring across and up against Battle Sakata. Facing off against Doug Peak; one in a tag with Jock against the American Psychos of Doug Peak and Henry Lee. They’re DaVE legends! I’m glad it was Doug and not Eddie. His gimmick scares me! The highlight though… the absolute highlight had to be my victory over…”[/I] I interrupt, [I]“Would this be your sole non-Jock win?”[/I] Shandy punches my arm and gives a quick mock scowl, [I]“Shandy says… shut up and listen to the story! The unquestioned highlight and lowlight was my match AND victory over Chaos Demon #2. He’s big, he’s stiff, he’s intense and he’s as sloppy as Hal after his tumbled of Jack Daniels. He scared the bejeezus out of me.”[/I] He pauses, grinning as some memory bubbles to the surface of his mind. [I]“The fans lapped it up, in their respectful Japanese manner; it was like the ultimate David vs. Goliath match. When Chaos Demon went for his feared Demon Drop on me and I avoided it and managed to apply the Shandy at Brunch… oh the crowd popped huge for that when he tapped out. Sure he got his win back within the week and I spent a few days with ringing in my ears from how hard he hits. But I won! I won! In Japan! Over an established star!”[/I] Then the mob breaks over Shandy like a wave and drags him out like driftwood on the tide, back into their celebrator clutched. I’m not sure I’d call a garbage brawler of Chaos Demon #2’s stature an established Japanese star, but I am pleased for Shandy’s success and experience. Jock enjoyed the high tech much more than the garbage brawls or the [I]‘fishy raw nosh.’[/I] The party shows no signs of abating so I take my leave, out of the sweltering Bar Juarez into the cooler October air of Chihuahua for the short stroll back to my apartment above the restaurant. Ideas for matches and gimmicks shimmering in my mind like a long stretch of road in the heat of a Mexican summer.

[Beeker]

Row upon row of keyboards chitter and chatter like monkeys in trees, interspersed throughout the constant sound of fingers on keyboards emerges an explosion of profanity caused by some minor tragedy or another. A literal and metaphorical cloud of blue smoke hovers and swirls in one corner of the massive open area. All the desks are set-up row after row, yet the one in the corner seems to garner more space, as if none of the other desks or inhabitants cares to be too near the blue-smoke spewing beast in the corner. The person chained to the desk growls and snarls like a forest predator while the constant belching of smoke and fiery vitriol stains the white ceiling a moldering yellow. Clearly the anti-smoking coalitions aren’t focused on Mexico… yet. I find myself drawn to the smoke belching corner like a moth to a flame. When I finally peer through the haze I think I should be in Mexico City in the bowels of an extinct volcano and the trapped smog rather than in Tijuana, but here I am. Maybe it is the smoke or the stench or the noise… but rage courses through my veins and I find myself snapping at the person before actually see them. I HATE this person, sight unseen. [I]“Are you the person who wrote this review of the last HaLF show? Well, answer me you oversized hippo. I could sue you for libel, slander or defamation of character for the brazen bullsh!t you put in print. Well, answer me. Not so tough in person, are you tubbo.”[/I] A portly, swarthy Mexican snarls at me, clouds of smoke wreathing his skull like a tainted halo. He chomps down on the filter of his cigarette so hard he bites through it. Smoldering ash falls down the front of his food stained shirt, the buttons straining to keep his belly hidden from sight. He spits the remains of the filter at the wall. Judging from the blast pattern on the wall and the residue along the floorboard, he commonly takes aim at the offending wall. My righteous anger flees me, leaving me feeling empty and vulnerable. I stammer on. [I]“I’m sorry. I... don’t know what got into me. My apologies.” [/I] Slowly I back away from the cigarette-chewing man, much like prey tries to avoid sudden movements around certain predators. My flight or fight syndrome screams ‘FLIGHT FLIGHT FLIGHT’ but I fight that instinct and hope if I move slowly enough and look pathetic enough this beast won’t consider me food. At twelve feet as he starts to dissolve back into the perpetual smoke, already another cherry acknowledges the dragon inhales fire once more, I sense more than see a movement from the beast behind the desk. The smoke swirls and points off to a side door I hadn’t noticed before. Fearful but curious and desperate to escape this man-beast I inch my way to the exit. I hesitantly open the rickety door, fearful I might see a dozen of his cohorts there armed and angry. Instead I find myself in a rubbish-strewn side alley. To the right is the main thoroughfare which holds the throngs of the city but left beckons me deeper into the bowels of this city. An invisible city behind and beneath the city. A scavenger hunt develops as I follow half heard suggestions and hidden clues. Winding my way through back alleys and side streets, the sorts of places where tourists never glimpse. I fumble and stumble through the Spanish, English, French and Spanglish well enough after this long in Mexico but the German hint nearly stops me cold. More by luck than skill I stumble into a nearby ‘barra.’ Unexpectedly, this barra is a dive. Battered, rickety tables, wobbly chairs, tetanus-approved cutlery. Something twigs in my subconscious and leads me through the kitchen and out behind the restaurant. I emerge into a spacious enclosed garden, the last of the autumn flowers cling to their petals and a few herbs doggedly grow in the immaculately kept garden. Vines entwine through the lattices that conceal this verdant paradise from the rest of Tijuana, it takes a few moments before I realize that I’m not alone in this oasis. Seated at an antique, well-worn but well-loved table is none other than… El Pandito? [I]“You? You’re the one who wrote that scathing review?” “Ci! No tuve gusto de establecimiento del paso.” “Is it because you didn’t go over? You didn’t lose either and looked pretty badass I thought.” “¿Qué? No. No.”[/I] El Pandito’s head snaps up and seems to look through me before he fires off a, [I]“¿Usted quiere lo que?”[/I] Ever get that feeling that it’s not just the different languages separating two people from communicating? I’m reeling from the realization that El Pandito is the most hated newspaper critic in Northern Mexico and… for that matter… Southern Texas. [I]“Erm…” [/I]My Spanish still isn’t great (stupid TEW – how do I learn any Spanish? I announce every show with Phoenix Punto Cinqo.) [I]“I… well… why are you smoking for one thing.”[/I] Which he is. I’ve never seen him smoke at any show. He’s always prompt and professional. But he’s sprawled out with a large cigar in one hand and a snifter full of cognac in the other. A plume of smoke exhales itself in rings from his mouth before he swirls the amber intoxicant around the high quality crystal tulip glass. He savours the liquid as it passes his lips, closes his eyes and does a ritual with it before sighs contentedly before he refocuses on me. [I]“Soy pandit. Intento y muestreo todo, yo debo tener una opinión sobre ella.” “What? You’re the Soy Pundit now? I didn’t realize vegetarianism was such a big business in Mexico. The Soy Pundit. Does this mean you won’t bite to cheat in your matches anymore? I missed the rest of what you said but I guess I can work with it.” “¡Idiota!”[/I] He imperiously gestures at me to sit in the chair across from him. Out of nowhere a senorita arrives with a chilled bottled of mineral water and glasses with lemon and lime wedges in them. He pours two glasses and spreads his hands in invitation. [I]“Bebida.”[/I] I’ve been in Mexico long enough to know that means drink. Despite the state of the front-of-house décor a meal emerges from this tiny, unnamed hole-in-the-wall barra that trumps any meal I’ve had since moving to this country. The questions burning my mind fall away forgotten, swallowed along with some grilled and perfectly seasoned local white fish. The lemon and lime water compliment it perfectly, along with a Spanish influenced paella with local vegetables and the most delicate hint coriander that has ever tantalized my taste buds. A coarse paste of maize resides in a small bowl beside the plate and from watching El Pandito savour his meal (like he did his cigar and cognac) I notice him dab the paste on both the white fish and the paella. It turns out to be an effective (and inexpensive) condiment. This simple, common fare sets my head spinning and I refuse to ruin the meal with something so crass as talking. This paella and fish tantalize my palette and I slow the pace of my eating to enjoy every mouthful of the splendid food. At the end of the meal, our plates still on the table, El Pandito looks across at me. [I]“You had some questions?” “I did, but I can’t think of any of them right now. Words cannot do that meal justice.” “Bueno.”[/I] It’s not until much later that I recollect what led me to find El Pandito in a back garden, but then, I’m nearing Chihuahua with El Pandito’s opinions on the upcoming card still fresh on my mind. [quote] [B][U][COLOR="Red"]HaLF: Día de los Muertos[/COLOR][/U][/B] Timmy Cromwell vs. Shim Will Power vs. Miya Semi-Strong, Wii Mario and Ant-Acid vs. Soul Shaker, Shandy Lover and Hal Facutt Jock Giedroyc vs. ‘Ead Stone El Hijo del Mufasa vs. El Pandito Cal Genio vs. Padre Dolor vs. Ni-Lo [/quote] [i]OOC: Kowled Kudo isn't available as he's booking for MPWF. Día de los Muertos is one of two 'wrestling days' in Mexico. The other is El Día Nacional de Lucha.[/i]

[Guest Bolton]

[B]Timmy Cromwell[/B] vs. Shim [I]Fear the concrete block...[/I] [B]Will Power[/B] vs. Miya [I]The Bronze Wyearn Tail suffers two loses.[/I] Semi-Strong, Wii Mario and Ant-Acid vs. [B]Soul Shaker, Shandy Lover and Hal Facutt[/B] [I]Wii Mario loses power, Soul Shaker Shakes N' Bakes his way to victory, and Shandy and Facutt do a drunken shoot. Good times[/I] Jock Giedroyc vs. [B]‘Ead Stone[/B] [I]Maybe it's the little Frenchie inside me, but I think 'Ed Stone will use some awesome French tactics (aka: Cheating) to wins.[/I] [B]El Hijo del Mufasa[/B] vs. El Pandito [I]You reward his loyalty with a win.[/I] Cal Genio vs. [B]Padre Dolor[/B] vs. Ni-Lo [I]Haven't we've seen this match before? Oh well, I go with the Pablo mini.[/I]