infinitywpi Posted March 15, 2008 Share Posted March 15, 2008 I was extraordinarily pleased with myself. What I was about to do was something that this industry had never seen. They had their gimmicks and their characters, but there was something missing... something only I could provide. Like many decisions in my life, it only made sense -- people on this world loved wrestling, in multiple forms, so why not show them what wrestling from another world looked like? [i][SIZE="6"]From the man who brought you the reality-bending Welcome To The Real World...[/SIZE][/i] It started slowly. I'd rather start with a bang, but, you know, there's certain monetary difficulties involved in what I was doing. So yes, it started small. A sign here or there at local indy shows, advertisements purchased in industry magazines... the crowning moment of the viral phase of the campaign involved something as low-tech as smuggling a marker into a TCW television taping and altering my (up-until-then) security-approved sign. It then read exactly what all the other signs and advertisements had said. "I Am VKM." National exposure, right there. Held up at the right times, the times that I knew would be replayed and rerun on highlight reels for months, if not years, to come. There I was. "I Am VKM." [i][SIZE="5"]... and the man behind three games' worth of the cult hit Welcome to the Coastal Zone...[/SIZE][/i] I had arranged for Google, Yahoo, all the search engines to work so that a search for that phrase would deliver my website at the top of the list. "I Am VKM." There's so many levels to that statement. And wrestling fans here ate it up. I actually made the company's first thousand dollars selling bumper stickers and t-shirts with "I Am VKM" on them. Three little letters, all mine, so powerful they make money all by themselves. This is truely a wonderful world, isn't it? [i] ... and the guy who let such great concepts as Cosa Nostra Wrestling and WWE: Aftermath die after just a few shows...[/i] After a few months of this, everything was ready. Seed money had been obtained, a venue selected, tickets sold... my men, my footsoldiers in this war to destroy what people thought of as 'professional wrestling' and replace it with my own, far more entertaining vesion, were in place. Some had their misgivings... but a job is a job, and a paycheck is a paycheck. [i] ... comes a new innovation in TEW Dynasties... at least it entertained the crap out of him when he came up with it...[/i] There was this nagging feeling, in the back of my head, that something about this was... was wrong, somehow. That it shouldn't be done, that what I was about to do was... well, almost criminal. It's not a feeling that's ever stopped me before, granted. But there was something wrong, something... missing. Of course. I'd forgotten to buy the giant foam costumes. [IMG]http://www.ianparmenter.com/images/vkm.png[/IMG] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
infinitywpi Posted March 15, 2008 Author Share Posted March 15, 2008 [i](Author's Note: Try to figure out which CornellVerse workers are playing these new alter-egos. First person to get each one gets to request a match... Also note that all match descriptions are mainly the highlights -- Otherwise, they'd get too boring to write.)[/i] The lights go down in the arena, the crowd getting... well, somewhat lively, as the cameras begin rolling. The entry ramp, flanked by twin flatscreen HDTVs, is filling with dry ice smoke. The screens display a simple 'I Am VKM' logo. "Radies and Gentermen... Wercome to VKM!" The logo changes to say 'You Am VKM', and the lights go up to reveal a short, balding, middle-aged Japanese man in a referee's shirt holding the microphone. "Tonight, we have special treat for you! Victorious Kaiju Melee is proud to present not one, but two title matches! Tonight, grudge as old as time will be settled, as Dinner tries to win Tag Team Justice away from Breakfast! Also, our heroic champion, Zoo Warrior Fox, will defend Victorious Kaiju Melee World Victory Title against Chief Running Gag! Our first match--" "Not so fast, Big Man!" The screens light up with the image of a man wearing a giant fake lizard mask. "I, Glortu, Lizard King Of Space, have thrown a wrench of monkeys into your proceedings!" The man reaches out and pulls the camera downwards. Lying on the floor is a man dressed as a stereotypical Indian (sorry, Native American) Chief. "You have no contender for your main event. Glortu suggests that if Big Man knows what is good for him, he will put Glortu in main event instead! Muah-ha-ha! My plan is perfect!" We fade out to commercial, Big Man pacing in the ring. -------------- We return with Big Man still pacing, and cut over to the announce team. JD: "Hiya, folks, and welcome to VKM. My name is [url="http://www.jeffdunham.com"]Jeff Dunham[/url] and with me here in the booth is the greatest Woozle to ever call a wrestling match, Peanut." P: "Are we really that hard up for money that we need to do this?" JD: "Aw, c'mon, this is gonna be fun." P: "Yeah, you would say that. I'm still not sure what the hell we just saw." JD: "It's fairly simple. Glortu, Lizard King of Space, has ambushed the Number One Contender and demanded to take his place in tonight's main event." P: "Glortu?" JD: "Uh-huh." P: "Lizard King of Space?" JD: "That's right." P: "... Whoever wrote this is stoned, aren't they." JD: "Enough. It looks like Big Man has finished pondering what just happened, and is ready to give a response..." --------------- In the ring, Big Man stops pacing. "Ladies and Gentlemen, there has been a change to tonight's main event. Challenging for the Victorious Kaiju Melee World Victory Title will be--" [i]St. Judy's Comet (the Henny Loggins version, not the Paul Simon version)[/i] begins to play, and out comes a man in grey and blue tights with flaming red hair pulled back in a ponytail behind him. JD: "Oh, no, it's Comet Man, the super-villain who always come back. What's he doing here?" P: "Hopefully? Leaving. And taking me with him." Commetman enters the ring and snatches the mic away from Big Man. "Now listen here, Big Man. You're not giving that match to Glortu, and I'll tell you why. That match should go to someone who deserves it. Someone who has done something nobody else in VKM has ever done, except you... appeared in the ring on every single episode. And that's me." P: "Isn't this our first episode?" JD: "Well, he has a point. It's him and Big Man, and that's it." Big Man timidly takes the mic back. "Comet Man, you make good point. So I make you deal. You win your match? You get to be in main event. But first, you need beat... The Kosher Kreature!" [i]Hava Nagila[/i] begins to play, and out comes a Hassidic Rabbi. He stops a few steps from the entry, turns, and motions to someone backstage. Out walks a massive man... or maybe a small man in a massive suit. He looks like he's made out of big, brown blocks of stone. JD: "And here comes one of the few true good beings in VKM, the Kosher Kreature." P: "... how many cultures are we going to offend tonight?" JD: "Probably at least a couple more." P: "Oh, good, something to look forward to." The Rabbi helps the Kreature into the ring, and then stays at ringside as Big Man calls for the bell. The two lock up, and Kreature shoves Comet down to the mat. Comet regains his feet quickly and tries again, but gets shoved down again. JD: "Comet Man, getting first-hand experience of the strength of the Kreature." P: "Wow, that thing is built like a brick sh--" JD: "Peanut! You can't say that, this is family programming!" P: "-- um... shoestore?" Comet Man decides he's not getting anywhere and uses his speed to get behind the Kreature, pummelling him with lightning-fast lefts and rights to the back... all of which simply bounce off the foam suit. The Kreature turns and levels Comet Man with a massive clothesline, sending him bouncing across the mat. The Rabbi can be heard verbally berrating Comet Man as he gets up, but before he can get to his feet, the Kreature has a hand on either side of Comet Man's head and begins to squeeze. JD: "Oh, and there's the Golem Grip! It's got to be all over now!" Sure enough, after a few moments, Comet Man stops to struggle, and then passes out. The Kreature drops him to the mat, and Big Man calls for the bell. "Your winner by knockout, The Kosher Kreature!" We get a replay of the clothesline as Comet Man gets carted off, and then go backstage, where a guy in a big, blobby brown costume is doing squats to warm up. Another guy in a big, round, white costume walks in and says, "Ready?" The first guy grunts, and the two walk off. We then see... a totally different guy in a brown blobby costume doing squats, and another totally different guy in a round, white costume walk in and ask if he's ready. Again, the guy in the brown suit grunts, and the pair leaves. Was that two takes of the same scene with different workers? P: "Whoa, deja vu..." --------------------------- We return, and in the center of the ring is a small, square table with four place settings around it. Big Man is standing nearby. "Ladies and Gentlemen, following match is for one fall, and is for Victorious Kaiju Melee Tag Team Justice! Introducing first, the challengers, representing Dinner, team of... Liver and Onion!" [i]Dinner At Eight[/i] plays. The first pair that we saw before the break come out of the entry. They don't even get halfway to the ring before Onion is yelling at some kid by the walkway. The kid doesn't take it very well. P: "Oh, you've got the be kidding me. Onion made the kid cry?" JD: "Well, no child I know of likes liver and onion." P: "That makes them the bad guys, right?" JD: "I... honestly have no idea. The writeups I was given didn't say anything about that." Once the challengers get in the ring and move to the far side, Big Man raises the mic again. "And introducing, your holders of Victorious Kaiju Melee Tag Team Justice, representing Breakfast... STEAK AND EGG!" [i]Breakfast At Tiffany's[/i] plays, and out comes the second pair that we saw before the break, and their costumes look almost exactly the same as the first pair... but these two act in a much more friendly fashion to the fans. JD: "... My job just got a bit more difficult." P: "Mine didn't. Big blobby brown guy and round white guy are gonna win. Wake me when the match is over." Onion and Steak start the match off, locking up near the table, as Jeff and Peanut argue about how they can't tell the two teams apart. Onion uses a few power moves to slam Steak into the mat, but Steak keeps getting up. JD: "That is one tough steak." P: *groans in pain* Steak makes a mini-comeback, pushing Onion into the ropes. He almost makes it into his corner for a tag, but Onion pulls him back across the ring and tags in Liver. Liver stomps on Steak and then goes to the turnbuckles, landing a big flying kneedrop... legdrop... splash... something, on Steak. Egg tries to cheer on his partner and begs for a tag. Liver pulls Steak to his feet and whips him into the corner, then distracts Big Man while Onion takes a cheap shot. Egg charges in, but Big Man stops him and argues, letting the heels get in a two-on-one beatdown on Steak until Egg gets back to his corner. And something resembling a surprise rollup frmo Steak on Liver! One, two, no! Steak heads for his corner for a tag, but once more gets pulled back. JD: "Okay, according to the bios I was given, Steak used to be a member of Dinner, before he formed a friendship with Egg and left to join him in winning Tag Team Justice." P: "Do you beleive you're being paid to say these things?" Steak gets stomped in the corner, but rolls away and Liver gets stuck in the ropes! Steak delivers a few chops to Liver's back and heads towards Egg. Liver gets free and goes after him. Steak gets to Egg... and stops, not making the tag, turns, and levels the charging Liver! Fast cover, one, two, three! JD: "The champs retain!" Onion runs across the ring and shoves Egg off the apron to the floor. Liver walks over to the set table and takes one of the knives from the place setting and begins stabbing it into Steak's costume. P: "Whoa who whoa! I thought this was a kid's show! Hell-lo!" Onion grabs a knife and joins his partner. After a few moments of the crowd voicing their disproval, they begin to cheer as Egg sneaks into the ring from the other side and grabs a pair of forks... then charges the other team jabbing them with the forks repeatedly. P: "Fork You! Fork You! Fork You!" JD: "It looks like Egg has finally cracked!" Liver and Onion are driven out of the ring and retreat as Egg stands over Steak, motioning for a paramedic, never dropping his forks. ------------------------------ We return to a replay of the post-match happenings, and then go backstage to where a guy in a paramedic's outfit is putting giant band-aids on Steak, with Egg nearby. E: "Why, man? Why'd you do it? I could've helped!" S: "I had to prove to you... prove that when I left Dinner, when you took me in... that I could take care of myself. You could have teamed with anyone... Ham, Sausage, Bacon, hell, you even had a great team with Toast... but you chose to team with me. And I had to prove... you didn't have to carry me..." Steak passes out. Egg, looking full of rage, leaves the room in a huff. Back in the ring, everything has been cleaned up and Big Man has the mic again. "Next match scheduled for one fall. Introducing first... GDL!" [i]I Like to Move It Move It (Madagascar Version)[/i] plays, and out comes a man wearing a giant lemur costume and holding a brown paper bag with a bottle sticking out of it. P: "... Is that a Giant Drunken Lemur?" JD: "It is indeed!" GDL acts belligerant all the way to the ring, where he tries to climb between the ropes and slips off the apron to the floor before finally getting in. Big Man raises the mic. "And his opponent... Half Man, Half Machine. Half Private Investigator, Half Egg Timer, he is... Hard Boiled!" [i]Theme to Magnum, P.I.[/i] blares from the speakers, and out comes a man in a trench coat with a metal half-mask. P: "And I thought some of the guys I work with in comedy are strange." Hard Boiled gets in the ring and takes off his coat to reveal wrestling tights and an egg timer on his chest. He winds the timer and nods to Big Man, who calls for the bell. The two circle each other. GDL goes to lock up, but Hard Boiled snatches his paper bag away from him and takes a swig of his booze. GDL becomes furious and pounces on Hard Boiled, knocking him to the mat while scratching and wailing strange, high-pitched animal noises. JD: "Giant Drunken Lemur is obviously upset... given the cost of alcohol these days, I don't blame him." P: "I thought nothing could top that last match, but we've gone right past Highly Surreal and landed in Downright Freakin' Dadaesque here." JD: "Dada?" P: "Not according to the paternity tests, I'm not." Hard Boiled fights Lemur off with strong right hands and a finger poke to the eyes, then actually delivers a suplex that lands the Lemur on his tail. Instead of covering, Hard Boiled takes a moment to re-wind his egg timer, letting GDL get to his feet. GDL tries to jump on Hard Boiled from behind, but Hard Boiled steps to the side, and Lemur hits the turnbuckle. More rights, followed by stomps as Lemur slides to the mat. Some choking with the boot, and Hard Boiled pulls Lemur to his feet and walks him to the center of the ring. The cyborg detective raises his hand and calls out "Case Closed!" Irish whip, Lemur bounces off the ropes, Hard Boiled gets into position for his finisher... and there's a 'ding' and Hard Boiled freezes in place. The Lemur bounces off him, knocking them both to the mat. GDL is up first, looking confused, and he trips over Hard Boiled, looking confused, landing on top of him. One, two, three. The bell rings, and GDL wanders off in search of booze. Big Man looks at the still-frozen Hard Boiled, shakes his head, and winds the man's egg timer so he can explain to him that he lost. -------------------- When we come back, the lights are dim, and various big foam blocks painted to look like buildings are scattered about ringside. "And now, our main event. Following match scheduled for one fall and is for Victorious Kaiju Melee World Victory Title. Introducing first, the challenger, Lizard King of Space, Glortu!" [i]Celebration of the Lizard[/i] plays, and out strides Glortu, a royal purple cape on his back, giant lizard head and scale-print bodysuit. He climbs in the ring and removes a golden crown from his head and puts it on the turnbuckle, then poses on all four ringposts making "I'm gonna wear the belt here" motions. "And his opponent... he is the reigning VKM World Victory Champion... representing the Zenoform Observation Operation, he is Zoo Warrior Fox!" [i]The Final Countdown[/i] plays, and out comes a man dressed in a Power Rangers outfit, topped with a fox-themed helmet and a golden belt around his waist. He stops to hi-5 the fans along the walkway and hands Big Man the belt as he gets in the ring. Big Man calls for the bell, and the two circle each other. The first few minutes give us more actual wrestling than we've seen all night, as it's obvious these two know what they're doing in there. P: "Hey, waitaminute... I recognize this. This is wrestling. Why didn't you tell me that this was wrestling?" JD: "It wasn't obvious?" P: "Duh, no!" Obviously outclassed, Glortu hits a sneaky low blow and heads for the turnbuckle, apparently trying to take the cover off. Zoo Warrior Fox recovers, but he's distracted by the appearance of a large man dressed in a spider costume, complete with extra legs that mov when his arms move. The spider lunches at Fox, who uses the top rope for leverage in a swooping dropkick to knock the spider back into the crowd. Fox turns and sees Glortu, he charges and hits a lungblower, then quickly scales the turnbuckle for a shooting star press... but Glortu rolls away, revealing his plan. he didn't unbuckle the turnbuckle cover -- he was taking his crown, and he's left it right on the mat... and Zoo Warrior Fox lands right on the pointy parts. He writhes in pain as Glortu kicks the crown away so Big Man won't see it and makes the cover. Reluctantly, Big Man drops to the mat and counts... one... two... three. [i]Celebration of the Lizard[/i] plays as Glortu snatches his belt from Big Man and then rolls out of the ring to get his crown, holding both of them as he heads to the back, the spider-thing by his side. JD: "Of all the sneaky, dispicable... unfortunately, folks, we're ending on that down note tonight, as we're about out of time." P: "Unfortunately? Dude, it's ending, that's a good thing!" JD: "I'm Jeff Dunham, with me is Peanut, and until next week... remember, [b]You[/b]are VKM!" Fade out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akki Posted March 15, 2008 Share Posted March 15, 2008 Interesting concept. Although you might want to change that image in the first post to say 'Melee' instead of 'Wrestling'. Otherwise it's VKW. Also: Jeff Dunham = AWESOME. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
infinitywpi Posted March 15, 2008 Author Share Posted March 15, 2008 You expect this promotion to have perfect production values? :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mistaken Posted March 15, 2008 Share Posted March 15, 2008 i will give my comments when i finish reading but i must get my first geuss in. zoo warrior fox = fox mask random guesses: GDL = hell moneky? (who better to play a lemur than the mad monkey?) Hard Boiled = Soul taker (or possibley insane machine) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lt. Lucrativo Posted March 15, 2008 Share Posted March 15, 2008 Wow. No idea what's going on here, but seems like a fun challenge--so I'll take a stab at a few characters after the first show. Glortu: At first I was thinking Koshiro Ino, but since VKM seems to be located in the U.S. and Glortu seems to be able to speak English, I'm thinking Snap Dragon. Zoo Warrior Fox: I agree with mistaken--Fox Mask. Comet Man: When I read that he has flaming red hair, I first though of Magnum KOBE, but again the apparent English-speaking ability makes me think that it can't be him. Just a guess, but in America brightly colored hair always makes me think of Remmy Skye. Hard Boiled: Yeah, I'll stick with the CZCW theme and go with Insane Machine. I'm going to have to keep thinking about Kosher Kreature, GDL and Chief Running Gag, and I didn't really pick up much of use about Liver, Onion, Steak or Egg. If Running Gag is really Native American, he could be Ace Youngblood, who's the only NA active wrestler I can think of off the top of my head--although I don't know that he's good enough to immediately be called a number one contender. And maybe GDL is Matty Phatty? Hell Monkey seems too talented. These are just wild guesses, though. If we had the segment ratings, guessing might be a bit easier, but I like the challenge how it is . . . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mistaken Posted March 15, 2008 Share Posted March 15, 2008 kaiju - i googled it monster wrestling? Infinity you continue to impress with your mastering of the oblique. Peanut instead of Walter, good chioce. though i think the dead muslim should be your back stage interviewer. dinner vs breakfast. one is the most important meal of the day, the other most common. when will lunch get involved in this? (the chaos demons vs the lords of pain just a wild, wild geuss) Great write up, very funny. I hoped it was an enjoyable write up, and that we will see more of YOU AM VKM! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JamesFosterFan021 Posted March 16, 2008 Share Posted March 16, 2008 Yup. Cool with the Dunham thing. Very creative. Agreed that Achmed should be the backstage interviewer. It'd be funny how it pops up: SILENCE! I KILL YOU! Walter should be on-screen management. But leaving Walter out would be okay... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
infinitywpi Posted March 18, 2008 Author Share Posted March 18, 2008 The results of our first "Guess the worker" comeptition is in... Fox Mask was a gimmie. Mistaken was right about GDL being Hell Monkey, and Lt. Lucrativo was right about Glortu being Snap Dragon. The others are all incorrect, so we have a tie. You guys can either agree on a match, or do next week as a tiebreaker. For the record, I'm not posting segment ratings because, well, they're gonna suck until I get the hang of booking this. And finally, VKM has announced their main event for next week: Zoo Warrior Fox and Chief Running Gag take on Victorious Kaiju Melee World Victory Champion Glortu, King of Space, and his henchman, Arachnos the Spider. The epic-in-the-making Breakfast vs Dinner feud continues! Plus, the return of Comet Man, and the introduction of the most unbelievable stipulation match you'll ever see! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
infinitywpi Posted March 18, 2008 Author Share Posted March 18, 2008 The crowd is hushed. A little more quiet, a little more subdued than last week... okay, also a little smaller... but there's a portion of them wearing VKM merchandise, so that's good. We'll weed out the fans who aren't interested and make a profit off those who are willing to give us their money. I calmly note that we need to order more Zoo Warrior Fox and Glortu, Lizard King of Space masks, and that perhaps we should discontinue the Comet Man 'flaming fists' as we haven't sold a one. Not even online. Not even to 'adult specialty' customers. With a name like that, we were expecting crossover appeal. A roar echos through the speakers (a roar that, I should point out, sounds nothing at all like any incarnation of Godzilla... okay, maybe we lifted it from that movie with Ferris Beuller and that song from Puff Daddy that Lead Zepplin sampled) and the lights come up, Big Man standing in the ring, mic raised to his pudgey little face. "Radies and Genterman, wercome to Victorious Kaiju Melee!" Cheers from the crowd. Not as much as last week, but the hype has worn off... we sink or swim based on how entertaining we are now. "Tonight, we have special treat for you! In main event, Zoo Warrior Fox and Chief Running Gag seek revenge on Glortu, Lizard King of Space and Arachnos The Spider! Egg has challenged any member of dinner to face him in ring tonight! And also, Gee Dee Ell will face The Rock Monster in... A TOKYO STREET FIGHT! But fi--" [i]St. Judy's Comet (the Henny Loggins version, not the Paul Simon version)[/i] hits the speakers, and out flies (well, runs) Comet Man. The blue-suited man with the red hair and fists grabs the mic from Big Man, cutting him off. "Whoa, whoa, whoa! You forgot the most imortant news of all, Big Man! It's been a week, and that means, The Comet Is Back! Now, I've been saying for months that I could take the Victorious Kaiju Melee World Victory Title away from Fox Mask, and I think I've been cheated out of the main event twice now!" Before Big Man can respond, the screens by the entryway light up with footage from last week, footage of Comet Man saying "You're not going to give that match to Glortu, (small edit) That match should go to someone who deserves it." The clip repeats twice more, and then fades away to show Glortu, Lizard King of Space sitting in a low-budget futuristic chair, watching a softly-glowing orb. "Heh heh heh... Comet Man, there was a day when you were one of the most feared being in space. That day has long since passed. Tonight, you shall pay for your insolence, at the hands of my newest lackey... Stinger the Scorpinoid! Muah-ha-ha! My plan is perfect!" A musical sting plays through the speakers as out comes a lumbering man... lumbering because he's forced to wear a giant foam scorpion costume, complete with claws and tail. Comet Man tosses the mic away as Big Man calls for the match to start and the two lock up. Jeff Dunham: "Welcome to Victorious Kaiju Melee, folks. If you're just joining us, Glortu, Lizard King of Space, has taken offense to Comet Man trying to take his title shot last week and has sent Stinger the Scopinoid to teach the old supervillain a lesson." Peanut: "My name is Peanut and with me, as always, is Jeff-effah Dun-Ham, and I can't believe what I'm seeing here tonight." JD: "What is that, Peanut? The pagentry, the suspense, the action?" P: "No, they charge five bucks for a beer here! With how much they're paying us, that means I have to watch this show sober! Unless, of course, [i]you[/i] start drinking." Comet Man slips behind Scorpinoid and begins raining firey blows upon his back, but the scorpion turns quickly and knocks the super-villain away with his tail. Comet Man seems dazed by that, and the scorpion quickly locks a claw around his neck. JD: "Oh, and it may be over! It looks like Comet Man is fading fast..." P: (bored) "Y'don't say." JD: "...That giant claw of the Scorpinoid, cutting off his circulation..." P: (still bored) "A-yeap." JD: "And Comet Man is out! Big Man is calling for the bell!" P: (snores) JD: "Oh, come on... it wasn't that bad." We cut ot the back, where Glortu, Lizard King of Space, and Arachnos the Spider stand in the cheaply-constructed sci-fi set. "All according to my plan," Glortu intones, "Tonight shall see my second victory over that accursed Zoo Warrior Fox, and soon we shall solidify our rule over the one part of the galaxy we do not already control... Victorious Kaiju Melee! Muah-Ha-Ha! My plan is perfect!" ----------------------------------- We come back to the image of Chief Running Gag, standing backstage. "Last week... I was attacked." Footage of last week runs. "Last week, I was denied my chance, not only at the Victorious Kaiju Melee World Victory Title, but denied my chance to provide an honorable match between two beings who respect each other. Glortu, Lizard King of Space, you chose the wrong target last week. A cowardly attack from behind is the sort of thing that gets my blood boiling. Tonight, guided by the power of my ancestors, I will get my revenge. Prepare yourself for the warpath." We go back to ringside with Jeff and Peanut, the first time the two have appeared on camera tonight. JD: "A very angry, yet very stoic, Chief Running Gag, folks." P: "I can tell he's popular around here with the bosses." JD: "How can you tell?" P: "They've obviously been smoking the peace pipe together." *makes inhaling noises* "Duuuuuude... what the *bleep* does [i]kemosabe[/i] mean, anyway?" Back in the ring with Big Man, who appears to be sweating a big more than usual this week; this blad head is shining. "Radies and gentermen, following match scheduled for one round, and is open challenge match! Introducing first, representing Breakfast... Egg!" [i]Breakfast at Tiffany's[/i] plays, and out comes everyone's favorite man in a roung, white oblong of a costume, stomping down to the ring. JD: "It sure looks like Egg is steamed." P: "... we're going to do one of these jokes every time he show's up, aren't we." JD: "Quiet, he's going to talk." Egg does, indeed, have the mic. "Last week, after winning a match that was just like a balanced breakfast -- fair and square -- my partner, Steak, was viciously attacked by those who think that simply being the biggest meal of the day makes them the best. Well, I'm here to prove otherwise. So anyone out there who's associated with Dinner, come on out and let me scramble you!" There's a pause, and then some generic Creole music begins playing and out walks a... giant chicken with a redneck grin and buck-tooth sticking out of its beak. JD: "I... have no idea who this is... perhaps it's Southern Fried Chicken?" P: "No, if he were fried, he'd have a joint... he just smells like whiskey." (pause) P: "It's Bourbon Chicken, isn't it." Bourbon Chicken (for that is, indeed, his name) waddles down to the ring and climbs over the ropes, clucking at Egg. Egg actually seems taken aback by this, and is making motions like he doesn't want this fight. The bell rings, and Egg looks over at Big Man... and gets rocked with a right hook, followed by a clothesline. Egg tries to roll under the ropes, but Bourbon Chicken puts the boots to him, then pulls him back to the center of the ring. It's about as brutal as a guy in a giant chicken outfit beating on a guy with a giant egg costume can be... and then all the fun gets sucked out of it when Egg starts crying, "Please, Mommy, stop hitting me! You're always hitting me when you drink!" Big Man tries to seperate the two, but takes an errant wing from Bourbon Chicken and calls for the DQ. The Chicken, mad, stomps Egg one more time and walks off in a huff of feathers. P: "... okay, that was surreal. But not funny. Why can't we get surreal and tries-too-hard-to-be-funny at the same time?" JD: "Maybe after the commercial. GDL vs The Rock Monster in a Tokyo Street Fight, next!" --------------------------------- We return with the camera focused squarely on Big Man's face. "Next match is... TOKYO STREET FIGHT!" The camera pulls back. All around ringside are large (save, five-feet-tall-ish) foam buildings. The ring is criss-crossed by black stripes for roads and tiny foam houses for the suburbs. [i]I Like to Move It Move It (Madagascar Version)[/i] plays, and out comes a man wearing a giant lemur costume and holding a brown paper bag with a bottle sticking out of it. JD: "Giant Drunken Lemur, coming off a strong win over Hard Boiled, the half-detective, half-egg-timer last week here in Victorious Kaiju Melee, looks to be in good spirits tonight." P: "Was that a 'spirits' as in 'alcohol' joke?" JD: "... not an intentional one, no." P: "Good. I like this guy, it would be a shame to ruin him with bad puns." GDL climbs the ring ropes and perches on the turnbuckle, enjoying a long swallow from his paper-bagged bottle, and then stares intently at the walkway. Big Man, now at ringside, announces, "And his opponent... The Rock Monster!" [i]A badly overdubed version of Rock Lobster[/i] plays, and out comes a familiar-looking pile of foam rocks. P: "Hey, wait a minute... we saw this guy last week." JD: "No, actually, we didn't. This is The Rock Monster. He looks quite similar to The Kosher Kreature, but he's not accompanied by The Rabbi, so you can tell he's someone else." P: "The budget must be tighter than I thought. Hey, GDL, knock his block off for me!" GDL actually shoots Peanut a thumbs-up and hops off the turnbuckle, stomping on a small house as The Rock Monster climbs into the ring. P: "Oh, the foam-manity!" The two lock up, and the bell rings. Rock Monster appears to attempt some sort of suplex, but loses his footing on a foam house and the two crash to the mat, GDL's bottle skittering across the ring. he seems more concerned with getting it back than with the match, allowing The Rock Monster to whip him into the ropes and backdrop him, scattering several blocks worth of foam houses and tiny cardboard cars. JD: "There's several Sim City fans out there who're simply agast at this carnage." (pause) JD: "You're not going to make an 'agast at how bad this is' joke?" P: "Nah. I like these two. They remind me of fami... hey, why is there a guy in the audience wearing palm leaves on his head?" JD: "... I don't know, he's not in my writeups." There is, indeed, a guy wearing palm fronds on his head in teh audience, three rows back from ringside. In the ring, GDl is getting angry and picks up a section of road, which appears to be made of plastic, and begins whipping The Rock Monster with it. After a few hits, Rock Monster picks up a road of his own and whips the Lemur with it. An impromptu fencing match breaks out, with ripostes and parries galore. JD: "Well, we did call it a Street Fight." P: (groans) GDL knocks Rock Monster's street aside and slams his own street over the Monster's head. The Monster responds by grabbing Lemur and tossing him over the ropes, knocking down several foam skyscrapers in the process. The Monster then goes to the turnbuckle, getting the crowd buzzing. He jumps, it looks like an axe-handle attempt, but Lemur is up and tosses a skyscraper at him as he gets out of the way! Monster stumbles a bit on landing, leaning against the security railing. GDL charges with a clothesline, knocking over two more skyscrapers and twisting Monster over the railing into the crowd! Monster tries to grab the Lemur, but Lemur pokes him in the... well, eye... erm, occular region... face? Blinded, Monster tries to grab Lemur again, but grabs a foam building instead... releave overhead suplex on the highrise! It goes flying back two rows... and the fan with the palm fronds gets it in the face and falls over, one hand clutching the side of his face! P: "Yeap. He was a plant. Boy, shouda seen that coming, really." GDL grabs Monster from behind and haults him back over the railing, stomps him a few times, then rolls him into the ring. He doesn't get in right away; he picks up a falled building and climbs the outside turnbuckle, holding the foam structure in front of him, he leaps... Giant Drunken Splash! The Lemur hooks the Monster's leg, Big Man makes the three count, and GDL wins! As the clean-up crew comes out to pick up all the buildings, the screens cut to the back, where Zoo Warrior Fox is standing outside a locker room door... and knocks on it. "Chief, you ready?" "Gimmie a minute. I must finish communing with the spirits of my ancestors." "Right. I'm heading to the ring. Finish the pipe fast and get out there. We've got a lizard to skin." ----------------------------------- We return with the cleanup crew finishing up cleaning the ring, so we get a quick recap of what happened in the last match. JD: "And the fan who was injured in that ma--" P: "Fan, my purple patootie! He was a plant!" JD: "Do you have to interrupt me?" P: "Only when you're still talking." JD: "Anyway, folks, the fan who was injured by the Chrystler Building is being treated at an area hospital. We'll update you on his condition later." P: "... The Chrystler Building's not in Tokyo, is it?" JD: "Do you really want to apply logic to this show?" Now that the ring is cleaned up, Big Man is on the mic. "Next match is Main Event! Introducing first, representing Zoo Warriors... Zoo Warrior Fox!" [i]The Final Countdown[/i] plays, and out comes the not-at-all-power-ranger-esque Zoo Warrior Fox to the ring, doing a quick pose for the fans. "And his-ah partner, Chief Running Gag!" [i]Indian Outlaw[/i] comes out over the speakers... plays for three minutes... and fades out. "Uh... his partner, Chief Running Gag?" The music plays again for a minute, then the screens light up... and Stinger the Scorpinoid lumbers out of the locker room door we saw earlier. The camera goes inside, and Chief Running Gag is laid out, his headress and pipe lying next to him. In the ring, Zoo Warrior Fox is shaking his head. "Um... moving right arong... his opponents, Victorious Kaiju Melee World Victory Champion Glortu, Lizard King of Space, and Arachnos The Spider!" [i]Celebration of the Lizard[/i] plays, and out come the nefarious duo, the man with the giant lizard head wearing the VKM title belt around his waist. The spider-costumed man beside him gestures threateningly to the crowd with multiple arms on their way to the ring, where Zoo Warrior Fox, despite the odds, refuses to back down from the fight. P: "Well, this should be short." The bell rings, and Glortu commands his henchman to "Get him!" Arachnos pauses, and that's enough for Fox to take the initiative, trying for a quick rollup. Arachnos kicks out, and the match is on. Much like last week's main event, these guys all seem to know what they're doing, despite the unwieldy costume Arachnos has to wear. Fox does an excellent job of keeping The Spider isolated, working the 'arms' of the costume with various holds and drops before going for a Fox Flipoff DDt, which gets one, two, thr-- someone pulls Fox out of the ring! JD: "It's Stinger! The Scorpinoid has come to ringside to assist his fiendish master's diabolical plan!" P: "You're giving Glortu a bit too much credit there, don't'cha think?" Fox valiantly fights off Stinger, but he's gone long enough for Arachnos to make the tag, and Fox gets pulled into the ring by Glortu, Lizard King Of Space. Stinger rolls in as well, and Fox is badly outnumbered... but he still doesn't back down, pouncing on Glortu with a modified Lou Thez Press (or whatever they call it in the Cornellverse, honestly, I forget if we ever covered that). The other two drag him off, and Glortu, Lizard King of Space, begins delivering powerful punches to Fox's midsection as he's held helpless. Somewhere in there, Big Man calls for the bell, but the villains don't notice, only continuing their beatdown until Fox can no longer stand. The three then walk to the opposite side of the ring and pose... JD: "Look at this... look at this man's heart, his spirit..." Zoo Warrior Fox is back up, unstead, using the ropes to support himself, but up! As Big Man announces, "Winner of match, but disqualification, Zoo Warrior Fox," Fox strikes a pose, and presses a button on his belt. [i]The Final Countdown[/i] plays as the terrible trio advance on our hapless hero... and out from the crowd runs a pair of men! Wearing costumes like Fox's, only instead of red one man wears brown and the other blue! From the animal motifs of their helmets, they can only be Zoo Warrior Monkey and Zoo Warrior Shark! Confronted with two new Zoo Warriors, Glortu, Lizard King of Space motions for his henchment to follow him and climbs out of the ring, displaying his VKMWVT belt above his head as they leave through the entryway. P: "Go Go Zoo Warriors!" JD: "And we're out of time for this week, folks! Come back next week, I'm sure this can't be finished yet!" P: "I wonder if they need a Zoo Warrior Woozle..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mistaken Posted March 18, 2008 Share Posted March 18, 2008 Comet: elmo Benson. just looking at him makes me think he would be crazy enough to join VKM. scorpion = lobster warrior. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nightshadeex Posted March 19, 2008 Share Posted March 19, 2008 I would just like to say, as a fan of KBB, this is awesome. I knew you'd come back with something awesome. I think Chief Running Gag is either Ice Man C.A. or Nicky Champion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
infinitywpi Posted March 24, 2008 Author Share Posted March 24, 2008 For the record-setting third week in a row, the lights go up in the Victorious Kaiju Melee Arena... but this time, it's not Big Man in the ring, it's the three jumpsuit-clad men known as the Zoo Warriors: Fox, Shark, and Monkey. Fox, with his red-hilighted costume, has the mic. "Ladies and Gentlemen... we three are members of the Zenophile Observation and Opposition Warriors. We are here to protect each and every human being on this planet from the menace of Kaiju... and last week, we failed our duty." On the two 'big'-screen TVs by the entryway, footage of last week's GDL/Rock Monster Tokyo Street Fight plays, including the 'plant' in the audience being hit with a foam building. "I was so caught up in my pursuit of Glortu, Lizard King of Space, that I forgot what was truely important... the fans in attendance. So Glortu can rest easy tonight, because I have a lesson I need to teach. GDL, when you mess with the humans, you mess with the Zoo! You may be able to beat cyborgs and rock monsters, but you're going to find that humans... are a whole. Different. Animal." Cue the Victorious Kaiju Melee opening, which is really just some clips of the last two shows string together with cheesy music, and then we head to the announce booth. Jeff Dunham: "Welcome once again to Victorious Kaiju Melee. I'm your host, Jeff Dunham, and with me as always is Peanut. Peanut, what do you think of what we just saw?" Peanut: "Beyond enjoying the obvious sociopolitical comentary of humans being a whole different animal while feeling indignant over the innate hypocracy to ignore a greater evil to deal with a smaller one you believe won't be as difficult to defeat?" JD: "... I guess." P: "Not much." JD: "Of course. Anyway, we're going to get right back into the action as the Victorious Kaiju Melee Tag Team Justice is on the line. Steak has recovered from his brutal stabbing two weeks ago by Liver and Onion, and we're going to see a Breakfast vs Dinner rematch, right after these commercials." -------------------------------------- We return to Big Man, our favorite portly bald Japanese referee, in the ring. "Radies and Gentermen, following match scheduled for one fall, and is for Victorious Kaiju Melee Tag Team Justice! Representing first, introducing Dinner..." Big Man pauses, then shrugs and keeps going. "Accompanied by Bourbon Chicken... Team of Liver and Onion!" [i]Dinner At Eight[/i] plays, and the familiar brown-blob-costumed man and white-round-costumed man stride down the ramp, with the man in the chicken costume following them, drinking occasionally from a flask of whiskey he keeps hanging from a tether around his neck. JD: "And right there, you have to give Dinner the psychological edge after the drunken beating Bourbon Chicken gave Egg last week." P: "Which reminds me of a joke. How do you beat an egg in Victorious Kaiju Melee? By... no, wait, that's not funny. Forget it." Back to the ring, and Big Man. "And introducing, representing Breakfast, they are Victorious Kaiju Melee Tag Team Justice... team of Steak and Egg!" [i]Breakfast at Tiffany's[/i] plays, and out comes a similar pair of brown-blobby-stoctumed man and white-round-costumed man, with the exception of a black crack inked onto the white costume and the brown costume having soem bandages wrapped around it. The bandages, of course, have been colored to look like bacon. P: "Bacon-wrapped steak. Deeee-licious. And keeping in theme, since Bacon is probably part of Breakfa-- oh, god, I'm over-analyzing things, aren't I." JD: "Egg is proceeding slowly, it looks like he just caught sight of Bourbon Chicken and is hesitant to come to ringside." After some convincing by Steak, Egg gets to the ring and Big Man calls for the match to start. Steak begins things with Onion, and the two go at it viciously... and by vicivously, I mean a lot of running shoulder blocks and punching. JD: "Onion, of course, Steak's original tag team partner as 'Skillet Sensations' until Steak got tired of being told Onion was carrying the team. There's no love lost between these two." The tide turns against Steak with some double-team moves, Liver and Onion tagging in and out to tenderize Steak until he makes a comeback with a double-clothesline and heads towards his own corner... but Egg isn't there! Bourbon Chicken is advancing on him, and Egg is backing up the ramp, begging 'Mama' not to hurt him. Steak gets attacked from behind, and barely manages to kick out at two. It doesnt' look like he can last much longer... JD: "What the hell?" P: "GDL! GDL! GDL! Giant Drunken Lemur runs down the ramp and yanks Bourbon Chicken's flask from off his neck! He's drinking the chicken's whiskey! Egg is confused, the chicken is confused, GDL is putting the flask's tether around his own neck and running back up the ramp! Bourbon Chicken runs after him, squaking mad! Egg watches him go, then looks in the ring, and charges! One, two, Egg breaks up the cover! Liver tossed to the outside! Onion whipped to the ropes... drop toe hold, and Egg mounts Onion and begin peeling a layer of his costume off of him! JD: "Egg appears to be all fired up now that the Chicken has flown the coop." P: "Y'know, this match was ten times better when GDL was out here, and somehow managed to not suck since he left." Big Man forces Egg to go back to his corner, but the attack has bought Steak enough time to make the tag. Egg comes in, climbs to the top turnbuckle, and splashes Onion for the three-count to retain Tag Team Justice yet again! The pair celebrate as we fade out. ------------------------- Backstage, GDL is scampering through the hallways, Bourbon Chicken charging and squaking after him. GDL turns a corner and hides in a supply closet until the Chicken runs past. Laughing, GDL leaves the closet... only to come face to fact with Glortu, Lizard King of Space; Arachnos The Spider; and Stinger the scorpinoid. GDL takes a drink from his bottle-in-a-bag and backs up against a wall, ready to fight, but Glortu simply laughs. "You like alcohol, my friend? I know of a planet where the oceans are made of it. Come, let us... talk..." JD: "Well, that doesn't bode well." P: "Who cares? It's more GDL! He single-handedly pulls this show out of the toilet!" Back to the ring. Already in the ring, the last strains of his music fading away, is Comet Man. P: "Annnd we go right back down the crapper again. What's he doing back?" JD: "Well, his orbit is scheduled to intersect with Earth once every week." P: "Good." JD: "Good?" P: "If we ever have a big show on a different day of the week? He won't be there!" "Now I know," Comet Man announces, "That I've had better days. I no longer inspire fear in the do-gooders of the world. The best part of my career is behind me. But I am Comet Man, dammit, and that deserves some respect! I lost to the Kreature, I lost to the Stinger, but tonight... tonight, I put one in the win column! Tonight, I put into motion my evil plan to take over Victorious Kaiju Melee! And it begins with my match here, tonight, right now. I am challenging, not some no-name monster, not a lackey... but a man who used to be the number one contender, Chief Running Gag! Now get out here, Tonto, so I can show these people just why I'm to be feared!" [i]Indian Outlaw[/i] plays... and plays... and repeats... and finally, Big Man runs up the ramp to the backstage area as Comet Man lounges in the ring. He even pantomimes a war dance for a little bit until Big Man returns. "Radies and Gentermen... Chief Running Gag has been attacked, and is being brought to a medical facirity. The winner of this match, by forfeit... Comet Man." Comet Man laughs evilly as Big Man raises his hand, and keeps laughing his way up the ramp. "Wait until you all see who I beat next week!" P: "Oh, come on! He's the suckiest part of this show, and now he does this? Does this mean we have to watch him do this again next week?" Backstage, The ZOO are watching an ambulance take off into the parking lot, waving and saying "Goodbye, Chief." As they turn around, they're confronted with... Liver and Onion? Fists are raised, and Liver and Onion back off. "Hey, hey, we're not here for a fight, guys. We just thought you'd like to know... you might want to know where to direct your anger." The Zoo Warriors pause to listen. "See, we've had Breakfast's locker room under... observation... for a while now. And earlier tonight, we saw Comet Man go inside. And when he came out, he was laughing." Onion takes a videotape from inside one of his layers and hands it over. "Just thought you might want to know who was helping him in his little plan." The Zoo Warriors take the tape, deliver a quick bow to Dinner, and jump off to review the evidence. Liver and Onion cackle quietly. "You think they'll figure out who did it, Onion?" "Of course not, Liver... after all, even BReakfast doesn't realize..." Liver removes yet another object from inside his layers... a peace pipe. "... they have a traitor in their midst." P: "Hey, what is this, a plotline? Do I have to pay attention to what happens from week to week now?" ----------------------------- We get a series of clips to recap what just happened. JD: "Folks, it appears as if Comet Man, along with Dinner and an unnamed traitor within the ranks of Breakfast have all conspired to put one of the mightiest men in VKM, Chief Running Gag, out of commission." P: "But who cares about Comet Man -- GDL is coming up next!" JD: "He's orchestrating an evil plot, and you're asking who cares?" P: "Whatever. The man's pathetic. If he were one of your characters, he'd be carved out of a boomerang -- he keeps coming back no matter how many times we throw him away." JD: "Peanut, really, you should show at least a little respect. Big Man in the ring now, and it looks like we're ready for the main event, let's take you back to ringside." [i]The Final Countdown[/i] plays, and Big Man makes announcements. "Following match is Main Event! Introducing first, accompanied by Zoo Warrior Monkey and Zoo Warrior Shark, is... Zoo Warrior Fox!" The three march down the ramp and strike a group martial-arts pose in the middle of the ring. "And his opponent... GDL!" [i]I Like To Move It Move It (Madagascar Version)[/i] plays as GDL comes out, drinking from both his bottle and Bourbon Chicken's flask... and he's followed by Glortu, Lizard King Of Space, Arachnos, and Stinger. JD: "The odds suddenly don't look good for Zoo Warrior Fox here, do they Peanut?" P: "Normally, I'm apathetic about this kind of stuff. But if it helps GDL win, well, I'll allow it." The bell rings, and Fox and GDL lock up for a bit of mat wrestling. Which works remarkably well, given that one of them is wearing a giant lemur outfit. At ringside, the Lizard Empire is cajoling the Zoo Warriors, keeping their attention off the match. JD: "Certainly an explosive situation at ringside here, and an overhead suplex by GDL sends Zoo Warrior Fox across the ring!" P: "Foxes can't fly! ... y'know, that'll be more funny if they ever get a Zoo Warrior Penguin." Arachnos and Scorinoid begin a physical confrontation with Zoo Warriors Shark and Monkey while Glortu laughs. In the ring, Fox is rebounding off the ropes with a flying lariat, knocking GDL to the mat, and he's up for a splash... when down the ramp comes Bourbon Chicken! Fox lands the splash, but gets pulled off by the Chicken, who begins pecking and scratching at GDL! Big Man calls for the bell as Glortu rolls into the ring, furious, and begins attacking Fox! Arachnos, Scopinoid, and the other Warriors slide into the ring, and an eight-man brawl breaks out as Big Man leaves the ring for safety. JD: "Total chaos has broken out in the ring here in the main event!" P: "And why not? It's been everywhere else in this show." Zoo Warriors Shark and Monkey are tossed out of the ring, and Fox and GDL find themselves back to back, surrounded. The two glance at each other, nod, and prepare for the worse. But it doesn't come, as Glortu picks up GDL's bottle-in-a-bag and smashes it over the head of Borboun Chicken. "YOU RUINED MY PERFECT PLAN!!!!" Enraged at the loss of his booze, GDL leaps at Glortu, and Fox follows him, holding off Arachnos and Scorpinoid. As the Giant Drunken Lemur scratches and wails at him, Glortu rolls out of the ring, only to be confronted with an angry Shark and Monkey. As Scorpinoid and Arachnos get dumped over the ropes, all three of them retreat up the ramp, making vaguely threatening motions... but mostly, retreating. GDL and the Zoo Warriors stand triumphant over the unconcious Bourbon Chicken, and there's a moment of tension as Fox picks up Chicken's whiskey flask... and then hands it to GDL, the crowd going wild at the symbol of friendship. P: "GDL! GDL! Now this is my kind of show!" JD: "And that's about all the time we have tonight, folks, be sure to joi-- hey, we're on the air, you can't come in he--" Comet Man: "Pathetic, am I? I'll show you!" P: "Hey, get your hands o--" *crash* *boom* JD: "Peanut!" *clatter* *crash* *thud* JD: "No!" CM: "Ha-ha-ha! You already didn't want to see what I do next week, Peanut... and no, you [b]really[/b] don't want to see it! But you don't have a choice, because next week, I have a match... WITH YOU! Ha-ha-ha!" *door slams* JD: "Peanut? Speak to me! Peanut? Someone get a paramedic in here! Peanut? Peanut!" Fade out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mistaken Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 to survive i recomend peanut bring a big bottle of jim beam to the ring next week, for it's match. when comment attacks hand him the bottle and watch GCL beat him to a pulp to get to the alcohol! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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