Some help could be useful about now

[AfRoMaN36]

For the last 4 months in my life, I have been in a pretty rocky relationship and I need serious help right now for fear that my own mental health is gunna go if I continue going on with this relationship.

 

We are co-workers in our Starbucks and I met her on one of her first few days as she was training. I found her to be very cute so I decided to give it the old college try. We seemed to hit it off very well as she seemed like a gennuinely nice girl which was something that my life had seriously lacked. I pursued her harder, knowing that if I got her, I would hold onto her, show her off to mom.... etc.

 

I thought I was set back when I found out she was ten years older than me but I tried to act so mature around her that age wasn't an issue. After about a month or so, I finally got her. I thought my life was finally complete I had finally got myself a girl that I wanted rather than a girl that I had to settle for.

 

On one of our first days dating I had slept over knowing in the afternoon I had to go hang out with a friend of mine. A female friend. That didn't happen as a fight started the second I left the house, she threatened to leave me if I went and I decided that the girl I dreamed of was more important than a friend this one time.

 

But it didn't end there.

 

Soon I realized myself losing a lot of power and my own will and say on things. She has had problems with me talking to damn near every female friend I have ever had, and no matter how much I fight back, I inevitably end up disconnecting myself with that friend. I mostly did this to shut her up.

Then on Myspace, she wanted to know my password or else I was "hiding" something. And with that, I got constant text messages of her complaining about having so many female friends, or having friends that are half naked, or having sluts for friends or virtually any comment or message that I recieved from a female, I had to quickly delete, even if it was just "Hi." I did this because no matter how innocent the message was she would find offence. This went on and on until against her wishes I deleted my account in fury. I also deleted my facebook, my AIM and my MSN messanger. And former TCW gfed members would notice how my shows would always end up being days late towards the end because my hands were always tied. Not to mention I was the moderator of a teen chat site that had virtually nothing to do with dating and I found myself leaving the site becaue of this intense jealousy. I've even changed my avatar so she wouldn't know this was me. (She looks at damn near every site I go on) My social circle has dwindled down to my two best friends who I find myself hanging out with less and less because she swears they dont like her and think they are gunna fix me up with someone else. All because I told them about a small joke they made about her once.

 

Now, I normally don't have so little power in a relationship. In fact, I'm really more of a "casual" dater. I'm normally in control of most things, but I eventually found out she is BiPolar and to say she is in love with me is an understatement.... she is obsesed with me is more accurate. I am her only friend and I need to be around her 24/7. If not she needs to call me 348 times a day including 2 or 3 daily arguments.

 

This would be nearly tolorable if we didn't work together. Because she is either walking in on my shifts to check up on me and doesn't leave for hours. Or she "hears a rumor" that I have had a fling with some female worker or that I'm flirting with a female worker and this leads to me no longer being able to talk to that person without problems. I swear she has given me credit for sleeping with far more women than I actually have. She thinks I'm Rico Suave. She also thinks I can somehow manage to do this in the 30 minutes I have to myself a week. Honestly, I have begun to suffer in all other aspects of my life as a result. I've struggled in school, I've been slacking at work because I'm always angrily texting her, I failed my drivers test because I had an option of either going to one more driving class or taking her out to a museum she wanted to see. Then started a fight with me on the actual test so my mind wandered. I'm bleeding money because god forbid a day should pass without me buying something for her (be it food or help her with shopping. Though she complains I never pay for laundry though I damn near pay for everything else.) and for most other conflicts in my life, if it's not a code red, I don't even let it bother me anymore because I am usually dealing with something else.

 

And don't think a simple "just leave her" would do much. I have tried.... many, many, many, many, many, many, many times. For a period we seem to break up each week. But I always end up being guilt tripped back. She went as far as slitting her wrist one time then telling me she did so through voicemail... mind you I was at work. Just last night I broke it off and after a load of curse words, she ran into the bathroom with a knife and tried to do it again. I stopped her and felt I had to stay with her because of this. (I do love her and don't want her to get hurt.)

 

We've also tried medication. But the first try gave her suicidal thoughts so I told her to stop and the second one was alower dosage of a different drug which was highly ineffective. She is now off of it and refuses counselling.

 

I don't know what to do. I have never been such a nervous wreck before. I've never been more concerned about covering my steps before even if I'm not hiding anything. I have virtually no friends now and my life has been lagging. I don't see any improvement in sight and she wants to get engaged within the next year and have kids.... I'm 19 years old.

 

The thing is I really feel bad for her. Her life honestly sucks. Shes in terrible dept. She comes from a very broken home and suffered a miserable.... MISERABLE upbringing to this point. Her last relationship was abysmal and he still sends her ridiculous emails about how he still loves her. He writes her poetry and plays with her head. I told her one more email out of him and he's dead. I want to be her super man. Her support, her shoulder to cry on, but I can't hold onto the burden any longer, I am starting to crack and I'm becoming more bad than good. The last time we broke up we nearly had a fist fight. And I can never get my stuff out of her house. (It's alot of stuff which makes breaking up all the more difficult.) I don't know what to do, I love this woman and I care about her wellbeing but my life is crashing down because of her. I can't do this but I feel like I have to or else shes gunna do something crazy. Shes already had past suicide attempts. Help!

[CQI13]

I'm at work right now, so I can't really give you an in depth response. As soon as I'm out though I will. I'll just edit it in here.

 

Well, I figured this seemed pretty urgent, so I took part of my lunch break for this. Hope there is something in there that helps:

 

From the beginning, you seem to realize what it is you NEED to do. And I know you don’t want to hear the whole “Just leave her”, but there are several reasons you should.

 

**The age difference in itself is not a deal breaker. However, combine your age with her baggage and your looking at an uphill battle. Ten years is not that big a deal. Ten years at your age makes a bigger difference though. People in that situation have different expectations of what a relationship should be. That much is evident by what you said later in your message.

 

Let me give you an example. When I got my first real job after college (back in 2004) I was deeply infatuated with a co-worker. You spend enough time around people and you can fall for them. We were within 2 years of each other. Not a big deal right? With 2 kids?!? OK, big deal. So you have to realize that her situation (being a single mom) overrides the fact that she’s still very young. The relationship never really started (we were still friends), but it was probably for the best. Two young kids, who would obviously still be involved with their father…that’s not the place for me.

 

**The sleeping over (and I assume you did more than sleep) so early on didn’t really bode well. I know because I’ve done it before and it didn’t end well with me either. Not to the extreme yours has gone, but still. Too much too soon. Where do you go from there?

 

**This girl of your dreams doesn’t seem compatible with the girl of your reality. I go through that a lot, and that’s part of the reason I don’t date. I feel the scouting is much better than the actual interviews, and yes, you could say I’m a bit of a coward. But that’s not telling me anything I don’t know.

 

**The fact that she’s SO possessive can’t be good. Granted, given what little info you’ve provided about her upbringing it’s understandable. But you know what? You were a person before you met her. You had friends and hobbies. You should keep them. If the roles were reversed and you were forcing her to do away with any relationships she had, I’d bite my tongue when telling you what I thought about it/you. It would obviously not be right for you to do that. It’s certainly not right for her to be doing the same thing.

 

**Her medical issues really exacerbate the situation. You want a girlfriend. She wants...well I don’t know what to call it.

 

**Finally, and not to pass judgment, so please don’t take it that way: Do you love her or do you love being the provider? Both are admirable, and when you meet the right person you’ll love being the provider BECAUSE you love that person. In this case you seem “OK” with providing for her (which I don’t personally think you should be doing at your age), but you seem exasperated at the same time.

 

In short, you can’t stay in the relationship simply because of what this might do to her. You have to take care of you before you take care of someone else. I’m sure you have expenses to take care of. For example, you can’t (or shouldn’t) be giving money to charity if you won’t be able to cover your expenses that month. I’m sure it’s a worthy cause, but is it worth it not eating lunch that week for example? Again, I’m not saying that’s what you’re doing or comparing her to a charity, but I think the example fits).

 

To emphasize: You’re 19. You have your whole life ahead of you. You will meet the person of your dreams, and she will be more or less compatible with your reality. She won’t be perfect, but neither are you. But you will be perfect for each other. From everything you say, she is not the girl for you. And no, I don’t think people change in relationships.

[darthsiddus2]

sometimes you have to do what you have to do regardless of the other one's feelings. I remember one of the relationships I had I was in the same situation as you are in right now. I was dating a co-worker but it wasn't as extreme as her trying to undermine me. its what's best for you and YOUR health. not her and HER health. I've learned that its best to wait a few months as you don't really know a person unless you actually "get to know" someone. cliche yes but its true.

[AfRoMaN36]

Yeah, at work it's become bad. We work the exact same shifts as of last week going forward too. And I was normally the better one of the two in keeping our inner-office relationship a secrete... She's goddamn terrible at it. Starting fights and following me around the store. Trying to take breaks with me than getting mad and assuming I'm flirting if I want to clock back in a little later in order to keep it a secret. Honestly I feel like if I don't quit, well both get fired. Ironically, she has stated that if she leaves and I don't quit, were through because she "can't trust me."

[wilts]

I am going to go with a plain and simple, leave her.

But, I will give some other advise.

Just to ask, how old are you? How old is she?

I would suggest that if she is bi-polar then this must have been diagnosed by either a doctor or psychiatrist (sorry, don't know much about the illness).

So, I would suggest trying to contact her doc or psych, if you can't, then just contact your own. If she is attempting to commit suicide and is holding this against you then I am sure that is probably grounds for commital.

Tell the doc or psych what you are planning, what you have done before and how she has reacted.

Alternatively, play her at her own game. Show no trust in her, accuse her of being disloyal, check up on her all the time, check her messages, etc and make it clear that you are doing it (remember, you are not aiming to find something, just make her think that you are). Although a qualified psych would never 'prescribe' this, it can help. Although it seems pretty clear her behaviour is due to her illness, she probably doesn't realise this and thinks it is fine to act the way she is, although if you are to act that way, she probably will think you are nuts and may end up leaving you.

 

Another alternative, (I hope you watch friends, or this will make no sense)... one of my fav episodes is the one with the psycho room mate, and in the end to get rid of him, they just pretend to not know him and convince him that he is mistaken... So, possibly try to get a new job so you don't need to be around her at work, and then just stop seeing her, stop texting her, get a new sim card, and ignore her. Then, when she comes seeing you, claim that you have no idea who she is, but you must be serious because she has to buy it. Or, get a close friend to take her aside and convince her that you are ill and can't remember anything about her, maybe even type up a note from a 'doc' stating some obscure illness....

 

Either way, you need to get rid of her.

 

Good luck, and be careful, don't put yourself in any danger, and if needs must, get a restraining order.

[NickC13573]

I would suggest, and I dont know how much you want to do it, especially in hard economic times. But I would quit the job, change your Email, Cell phone number, and maybe talk to a lawyer, or police officer, about a restraining order. I know its extreme, but extreme mostl always works.

[djthefunkchris]

I had a similar problem one time. I have a friend that after he retired, he concentrated on a small sports bar project (renting a building and getting a beer/wine liscense). I used to go there to support him, as did all his friends as well. The place was great for what it was.

 

One day we all went to a place where he wanted to "rub" shoulder's with the owner. This place is a strip club, lol. Well, we went in, and I was in a great mood (from the free booze at my friends bar). I didn't drive home, my roommate did (didn't drink but two beers the whole night). He brought one of the stripper's home with us. I'm thinking this girl is for him, the whole time.

 

I go to work the next morning (about four hours later), and when I come home, she is still there. I ask my roommate "She must really like you huh?" because I notice alot of new stuff in the place. HER STUFF! He says "No, She loves you."

 

My jaw dropped... I go over the night again and again in my mind, and nope... Nothing happened on my part (if it did, then I was asleep). He already gave her a key to the apartment (this was when I was in my early 20's...). She then quits her job and gets another at a bar close to my friends. She stayed (without me doing anything) for weeks, almost two months I think. She told everyone about all our sexual play (that never happened), and would get drunk quite a bit. I was getting pulled to the side everywhere I went, people were asking me to tell my "Girl" to tone it down about me and her (although I kept explaining "THIS IS NOT MY GIRL").

 

I tried to kick her out several times, and she would cry like a 10 year old... I didn't want to hurt her (I never loved her like you though). Finally, one day I said "I need my key." She cried, and cried, but gave me my key. She got her things, called a cab, and left. I thought to myself "WOW... That's all I had to do?"

 

Then for the next few years.. anytime I was somewhere and she was there (and seen me, cannot tell you how many times I seen her first and left very quickly), she would just burst into tear's, and yell my name. Didn't matter who she was with.. fact I almost had to fight a couple of times because she would be with a supposed boyfriend. Never come to that, because they could obviously tell that I wasn't overjoyed about what would be going on (and I was always looking for a way to dodge it).

 

She was great looking (especially her body... looked great in anything she wore), seemed like a very sweet girl at first, but.... It took all of about one week to determine that she was nutso to me.

 

Anyways, that helps you "nada". I married at 18, a girl that reminds me more of your problem... My ex-wife suffered all this abusive stuff from her mother, and she claimed her brother did as well. Well... Long talks to her brother a few times when we were having problems told me a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT STORY. My Ex was also prone to trying suicide, and I ended up in the hospital probably half a dozen times inside a year because of it.

 

Long story short: Most everything she said about her past was in her head. I don't know if she believes it herself or not, but by all accounts from the rest of her family, NONE OF IT IS TRUE. She used all this for attention from me to start with, although I was already interested in here because.. well, she was the most perfect woman I had ever seen in my young life. She was homecoming queen in school, etc.. A gymnist, with legs to die for, blonde, blue eyed, just the complete package in my eyes. However, she did tell me all this stuff, and later in our relationship all this stuff would come up over and over again (comparing me to this person or that person, that never did what she said they did). She had a brother and a sister that both would tell me the "Other story"... Mind you, these are her siblings that supposedly went through the same hell as she did.

 

I should have known better when her dad told me he would give me $15 and a stepladder...

 

My current wife went through "real" hell as a child, and she is nothing like either of the above example's.

 

My thoughts, I don't know if your girl is being honest or not... Either way I think she is more selfish then jeolous. I think she wants all of your attention to be on her all the time.

 

On your part, all you can do is make a decision... You either want her or you don't. If you want her, then you have to figure out what to do. You can get counceling yourself, find out what you can do to "ease her mind" of whatever she is fussing about at the time. You'd be surprised what simple words like "I'm sorry you feel that way, however... your the only one thinking that way" can make someone realise little things. It will take 200% effort on your part it sounds, as she is not willing (at this point) to bend.

 

Quite alot of relationships I've been in is with a woman thinking that I should automatically "Know" this or that. Like I'm a mind reader or something. She probably isn't even upset at what she is bringing up to you, but at face value it's what comes out. You need to find out what it is that is really bothering her. It's probably something that is just barely even close to what she rants about.

 

Then there is always the "reverse" thing.. You could always go all possessive on her, and give her a taste of her own medicine (but don't reveal that is what your doing). Just do it, and do it till it makes her nuts, lol. Just kidding, kind of.

[shamelessposer]

There's mental illness as an affliction, and then there's mental illness as a crutch. It sounds like she's using her bipolarity (hey, Firefox says that it's a real word!) as an excuse for bad behavior, and she might not even realize it.

 

You sound like you really love this girl, so what I'd suggest is to sit her down and tell her everything that you put in this topic's original post. Explain that you're not going to cheat on her with anything that has a cervix, that trust is an important part of any relationship, and that it's unreasonable to expect you to give up friends and privacy to assuage her completely irrational fears. Give her some time, and if things get better then that's wonderful and I wish you the best. If things don't change, or even get worse, it's probably for the best that the two of you no longer see one another. Otherwise, you'll end up a wreck too and she'll see no incentive to become a functional human being for as long as you're in the picture. I've seen it happen to a close friend of mine, and a year later he's only starting to get his life back on track.

[Thomnipotent]

Man. You don't want to hear it, but you need to get out of this.

I've been in similar situations. In fact, this story here reminds me of a number of ex-girlfriends.

But... you need to get out of this. Relationships, especially when you're nineteen and still have so much to do with your life, shouldn't be about needing another person. That's bordering on symbiosis.

And I know that you're concerned about her and you don't want her to hurt herself, etc, but you're essentially selling your soul to keep her... whatever she is right now. I'd say you're doing it to keep her happy, but if she were happy she'd be able to trust you at all. Seriously though, you're giving everything you have and it's not enough... whatever expectations she has, you're not going to live up to them; not because anything's wrong with you, though. Nobody can live up to her expectations, it seems... so it's something wrong with her expectations

 

But yeah, I've made some sacrifices for women. Some ridiculous sacrifices for women and they simply weren't worth it. Sacrificing your life, basically, never is worth it. And if that's not reason enough, know that it's immensely difficult to love or be a stable part of a relationship when you yourself are coming apart at the seams. Which seems to be what's happening.

 

I know the practical things make it harder. Such as having a bunch of stuff at her place. What you need to do is find a way to get it out of there before upsetting her to the point that something bad happens to it. I'm not trying to be accusatory here, but from the aforementioned plot points of your story, I'd be expecting the unexpected at every turn. You need a solid strategy.

 

As far as work, it sounds bad, yeah, but maybe there's a way to ask for a transfer? Something? If it really comes down to it, you may have to lay the entire story on your manager/boss person. Just... I don't know. That's rough. But you shouldn't have to quit because this girl went nuts.

 

I've been in situations during breakups which saw the girl in question trying to beat down my door, wailing and screaming and threatening to throw my computer off the balcony and accusing me of being in love with another girl and calling me to tell me that she's either coming over to my house or "driving off this mountain," threatening to slit her throat if I don't give her my friend's number without asking his permission despite their less-than-stellar history...

 

...to make this shorter than it could be, drop me a line if you need to chat. For real. I know how whack this **** gets, and it's always nice to have another person on your side.

 

Just keep strong, friend. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

[infinitywpi]

You already know what you need to do, you just don't want to. You're hoping one of us, any of us, will tell you that your fears are justified and that you should take the path of least resistance, the path of least pain. Nobody's going to.

 

Either you take the pain and stress of this right here, right now... or you get it doled out over the rest of your life.

 

You think the last four months have been bad? Think of four -years-.

 

As much as you want to help her, you can't. As much as you don't want to be part of the problem, you need to be. It's better for one of you to be sane and one to be hurt than for both of you to be hurt.

 

But to be honest? You won't. Everyone who posts this kind of thread has made up their mind already. Either you get the hell out, or you suffer in silence and four months from now you'll be making the exact same post, and we'll be telling you the exact same thing. You already know what you're going to do. Just do it.

[AfRoMaN36]

First I'd like to think everyone for their support and advice. It's really helpful and it's why when I want some serious advice, I come here. I hope to protect this site from her radar as long as I can.

 

 

Just to ask, how old are you? How old is she?

 

I'm 19, she's 29.

 

committal

 

Hmm.... whats that?

 

Another alternative, (I hope you watch friends, or this will make no sense)... one of my fav episodes is the one with the psycho room mate, and in the end to get rid of him, they just pretend to not know him and convince him that he is mistaken... So, possibly try to get a new job so you don't need to be around her at work, and then just stop seeing her, stop texting her, get a new sim card, and ignore her. Then, when she comes seeing you, claim that you have no idea who she is, but you must be serious because she has to buy it. Or, get a close friend to take her aside and convince her that you are ill and can't remember anything about her, maybe even type up a note from a 'doc' stating some obscure illness....

 

Well Bi Polar disorder is a mental illness that messes with your mood. So she's either snapping at spilled milk or crying that someone pronounced her name wrong. She's not crazy though. In fact she's very intelligent.... which is what sucks.

 

Anyways, that helps you "nada". I married at 18, a girl that reminds me more of your problem... My ex-wife suffered all this abusive stuff from her mother, and she claimed her brother did as well. Well... Long talks to her brother a few times when we were having problems told me a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT STORY. My Ex was also prone to trying suicide, and I ended up in the hospital probably half a dozen times inside a year because of it.

 

Long story short: Most everything she said about her past was in her head. I don't know if she believes it herself or not, but by all accounts from the rest of her family, NONE OF IT IS TRUE. She used all this for attention from me to start with, although I was already interested in here because.. well, she was the most perfect woman I had ever seen in my young life. She was homecoming queen in school, etc.. A gymnist, with legs to die for, blonde, blue eyed, just the complete package in my eyes. However, she did tell me all this stuff, and later in our relationship all this stuff would come up over and over again (comparing me to this person or that person, that never did what she said they did). She had a brother and a sister that both would tell me the "Other story"... Mind you, these are her siblings that supposedly went through the same hell as she did.

 

I should have known better when her dad told me he would give me $15 and a stepladder...

 

My current wife went through "real" hell as a child, and she is nothing like either of the above example's.

 

My thoughts, I don't know if your girl is being honest or not... Either way I think she is more selfish then jeolous. I think she wants all of your attention to be on her all the time.

 

I can tell you without a doubt, her stories legit. Might have even added to her obtaining the mental illness. I wont go into detail, but picture 3 or so of the worst things that could ever happen to a woman and spread it out several times 29 years.

 

It will take 200% effort on your part it sounds, as she is not willing (at this point) to bend.

 

Dude.... you don't know that half of it.... like seriously I've maxed out at like 300%.

 

Then there is always the "reverse" thing.. You could always go all possessive on her, and give her a taste of her own medicine (but don't reveal that is what your doing). Just do it, and do it till it makes her nuts, lol. Just kidding, kind of.

 

I have tried and go possessive on her but it's obvious she clearly doesn't see that she's doing what shes doing and no matter how often I point it out to her during arguments, I see no change. Yet she is always complaining that I don't change my flaws. I have done this, and I have tried to be totally easy with her in a way to lead by example.... that only made her think I don't care about her.

 

There's mental illness as an affliction, and then there's mental illness as a crutch. It sounds like she's using her bipolarity (hey, Firefox says that it's a real word!) as an excuse for bad behavior, and she might not even realize it.

 

You sound like you really love this girl, so what I'd suggest is to sit her down and tell her everything that you put in this topic's original post. Explain that you're not going to cheat on her with anything that has a cervix, that trust is an important part of any relationship, and that it's unreasonable to expect you to give up friends and privacy to assuage her completely irrational fears. Give her some time, and if things get better then that's wonderful and I wish you the best. If things don't change, or even get worse, it's probably for the best that the two of you no longer see one another. Otherwise, you'll end up a wreck too and she'll see no incentive to become a functional human being for as long as you're in the picture. I've seen it happen to a close friend of mine, and a year later he's only starting to get his life back on track.

 

Some sound advice. Unfortunately I've done this... I've listed all the things you told me to list and she would normally begin crying and saying "I'm making her feel like crap! I'm listing all her faults lets break up for our own good! But if you walk out I swear I will kill myself! No one cares, you're just like my ex who always made me feel bad!!"

 

Man. You don't want to hear it, but you need to get out of this.

I've been in similar situations. In fact, this story here reminds me of a number of ex-girlfriends.

But... you need to get out of this. Relationships, especially when you're nineteen and still have so much to do with your life, shouldn't be about needing another person. That's bordering on symbiosis.

And I know that you're concerned about her and you don't want her to hurt herself, etc, but you're essentially selling your soul to keep her... whatever she is right now. I'd say you're doing it to keep her happy, but if she were happy she'd be able to trust you at all. Seriously though, you're giving everything you have and it's not enough... whatever expectations she has, you're not going to live up to them; not because anything's wrong with you, though. Nobody can live up to her expectations, it seems... so it's something wrong with her expectations

 

But yeah, I've made some sacrifices for women. Some ridiculous sacrifices for women and they simply weren't worth it. Sacrificing your life, basically, never is worth it. And if that's not reason enough, know that it's immensely difficult to love or be a stable part of a relationship when you yourself are coming apart at the seams. Which seems to be what's happening.

 

I know the practical things make it harder. Such as having a bunch of stuff at her place. What you need to do is find a way to get it out of there before upsetting her to the point that something bad happens to it. I'm not trying to be accusatory here, but from the aforementioned plot points of your story, I'd be expecting the unexpected at every turn. You need a solid strategy.

 

As far as work, it sounds bad, yeah, but maybe there's a way to ask for a transfer? Something? If it really comes down to it, you may have to lay the entire story on your manager/boss person. Just... I don't know. That's rough. But you shouldn't have to quit because this girl went nuts.

 

I've been in situations during breakups which saw the girl in question trying to beat down my door, wailing and screaming and threatening to throw my computer off the balcony and accusing me of being in love with another girl and calling me to tell me that she's either coming over to my house or "driving off this mountain," threatening to slit her throat if I don't give her my friend's number without asking his permission despite their less-than-stellar history...

 

...to make this shorter than it could be, drop me a line if you need to chat. For real. I know how whack this **** gets, and it's always nice to have another person on your side.

 

Just keep strong, friend. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Thank you very much for this message. Very helpful to see someone who has gone literally exactly what I've gone through. I may PM you should I need to. Thanks.

 

As far as the "taking all my stuff home slowly" strategy.... she's caught on to both of my attempts and made a huge show about it.

 

And I may need to leave. She's been crying to the boss to get a very competitive overnight position that I have which is competitive because it pays much better.... long story short.... she took my spot. I am gunna be worse off financially than before in the upcoming weeks.

 

You already know what you need to do, you just don't want to. You're hoping one of us, any of us, will tell you that your fears are justified and that you should take the path of least resistance, the path of least pain. Nobody's going to.

 

Either you take the pain and stress of this right here, right now... or you get it doled out over the rest of your life.

 

You think the last four months have been bad? Think of four -years-.

 

As much as you want to help her, you can't. As much as you don't want to be part of the problem, you need to be. It's better for one of you to be sane and one to be hurt than for both of you to be hurt.

 

But to be honest? You won't. Everyone who posts this kind of thread has made up their mind already. Either you get the hell out, or you suffer in silence and four months from now you'll be making the exact same post, and we'll be telling you the exact same thing. You already know what you're going to do. Just do it.

 

 

I think what I'm looking for is for someone to wave a magic wand. To find the perfect solution that would have me leaving her while knowing she won't be in danger.

[wilts]

Sorry to say, but like has already been said, I see this thread as being a waste of time.

You know what you should do, but you are too weak to do it. No-one here is going to tell you that it is going to be ok. So do what you want, our advise, ditch her, but, we all know that you won't (at least not for another 4 months)...

[infinitywpi]

Let me put it this way. I'm a member of other boards, I'm sure we all are, but this particular board is dedicated to the geekiest of the geekies, RPG gamers. Not Final Fantasy types, but D&D types. We're talking hardcore geeks, to whom D&D is like pot to a hardcore druggie... fond memories, but nowhere near hardcore enough for them anymore. And yeah, I'm one of those geeks.

 

But at least once every-other week, someone posts almost the exact same story as yours. For some reason, it's almost always a bi-polar chick who refuses to take her meds (altho one memorable one was the girl with the gastric bypass who refused to stop trying to eat regular-sized meals). It always ends one of two ways. Either they get the stones to cut things off and who gives a damn about the consequences, or they don't and they wind up posting about it again a few months down the line.

 

If you want good news, the ones who break it off? Nine times out of ten, nothing happens. The girl just finds someone new to be their co-dependant facilitator of wuv, that they can threaten into staying with them. One out of ten? Yeah, they do something stupid or vengeful or suicidal. I won't lie and say it'll all be roses. Depending on the specific brand of crazy she is, yeah, she'll be calling you talking about her wrists and razors and whatnot. Block her calls, stop having anything to do with her, change jobs if you need to, whatever. Do what it takes to make sure you can't be guilt-tripped back. Because this kind of person thrives on guilt, and if they know they can make you feel guilty, they'll act like they own you... because they do.

 

(And before anyone gets on me for calling bi-polars crazy... what can I say, takes one to know one.)

 

So, there's no magic wands. There's no easy solution. But the old saying applies: No pain, no gain. This is gonna hurt like hell no matter what you do. You want to do the right thing for her, but at this point, the right thing is accepting that you are making things worse by being there. What's right for her, and right for you, is for you to leave.

 

Anything else is just admitting that you don't care about what happens as long as you get to be with someone. And that, my friend, leads to very bad ends.

[AfRoMaN36]

Let me put it this way. I'm a member of other boards, I'm sure we all are, but this particular board is dedicated to the geekiest of the geekies, RPG gamers. Not Final Fantasy types, but D&D types. We're talking hardcore geeks, to whom D&D is like pot to a hardcore druggie... fond memories, but nowhere near hardcore enough for them anymore. And yeah, I'm one of those geeks.

 

But at least once every-other week, someone posts almost the exact same story as yours. For some reason, it's almost always a bi-polar chick who refuses to take her meds (altho one memorable one was the girl with the gastric bypass who refused to stop trying to eat regular-sized meals). It always ends one of two ways. Either they get the stones to cut things off and who gives a damn about the consequences, or they don't and they wind up posting about it again a few months down the line.

 

If you want good news, the ones who break it off? Nine times out of ten, nothing happens. The girl just finds someone new to be their co-dependant facilitator of wuv, that they can threaten into staying with them. One out of ten? Yeah, they do something stupid or vengeful or suicidal. I won't lie and say it'll all be roses. Depending on the specific brand of crazy she is, yeah, she'll be calling you talking about her wrists and razors and whatnot. Block her calls, stop having anything to do with her, change jobs if you need to, whatever. Do what it takes to make sure you can't be guilt-tripped back. Because this kind of person thrives on guilt, and if they know they can make you feel guilty, they'll act like they own you... because they do.

 

(And before anyone gets on me for calling bi-polars crazy... what can I say, takes one to know one.)

 

So, there's no magic wands. There's no easy solution. But the old saying applies: No pain, no gain. This is gonna hurt like hell no matter what you do. You want to do the right thing for her, but at this point, the right thing is accepting that you are making things worse by being there. What's right for her, and right for you, is for you to leave.

 

Anything else is just admitting that you don't care about what happens as long as you get to be with someone. And that, my friend, leads to very bad ends.

 

Excellent post my friend. 5 stars.

 

Well guys, expect an update. Though I need a new job to make things easier. I may need to take some earlier advice when someone sggested something along the lines of falling off the face of the planet.

[Astil]

Advice is someone saying out loud what you are thinking in silence.

 

Go get 'em Afro, be a man, and all that jazz.

 

Also. Infinity. Table top RPGs? Really? Never would've pegged you as that.

[infinitywpi]

Also. Infinity. Table top RPGs? Really? Never would've pegged you as that.

 

Either you forgot your sarcasm smiley-face, or you really can't read people online.

[Astil]

Either you forgot your sarcasm smiley-face, or you really can't read people online.

 

Option B.

 

But then most people think I'm a girl here so...

[infinitywpi]

Option B.

 

But then most people think I'm a girl here so...

 

I never have. But I can see how the avatar might give that impression.

 

But, yeah... I prefer to think of myself as a 'gaming theory' geek. Tabletop RPGs, console FPSs, PC flight sims, card games, TEW, obscure esoteric German boardgames, you name it. The concept of applying rules to simulate real life, and doing so in a way that is fun, is simply an astounding concept to me, almost an art form when done right.

 

It also gets me into conversations with people of varied mental states, so I know a bit about bi-polars in relationships... as well as how to talk to people with Aspergers Syndrome, co-dependants, various -phobics, etc. People have called me the best Abnormal-To-Mainstream translator they've come across. Which is why, in retrospect, I may have been a bit harsh with our man Afroman here.

[Astil]

I never have. But I can see how the avatar might give that impression.

 

But, yeah... I prefer to think of myself as a 'gaming theory' geek. Tabletop RPGs, console FPSs, PC flight sims, card games, TEW, obscure esoteric German boardgames, you name it. The concept of applying rules to simulate real life, and doing so in a way that is fun, is simply an astounding concept to me, almost an art form when done right.

 

It also gets me into conversations with people of varied mental states, so I know a bit about bi-polars in relationships... as well as how to talk to people with Aspergers Syndrome, co-dependants, various -phobics, etc. People have called me the best Abnormal-To-Mainstream translator they've come across. Which is why, in retrospect, I may have been a bit harsh with our man Afroman here.

 

I'll have to chat with you sometime about games, in a different thread.

[AfRoMaN36]

Done. I finally did it. It's over.

[Astil]

Done. I finally did it. It's over.

 

Good job.

[infinitywpi]

Believe it or not, the hardest part is over now.

[AfRoMaN36]

Yeah, she called and begged for me to come back. Promising she'll change, but I know she wont. It's really hard for me right now, and I know I'm gunna have to see her at work, but I guess were still through.

[shamelessposer]

Yeah, she called and begged for me to come back. Promising she'll change, but I know she wont. It's really hard for me right now, and I know I'm gunna have to see her at work, but I guess were still through.

 

That... really sucks. Wish you could've had a more pleasant Christmas.

[AfRoMaN36]

For a second, I almost wanted to say yes. It was really pitiful. I feel really bad hearing her squirm the way she did but I've fallen for it before.