You Am VKM! -- Victorious Kaiju Melee!

[infinitywpi]

The first few posts here will probably seem familiar to people. At some point, I had what I thought was a great idea for a dynasty, I just needed a way to hook people into it… so, in an overly-medicated state, I came up with the idea to play off of the hottest angle in TNA… rather, what TNA hoped would be a hot angle, but in retrospect, is best not spoken of… I would take the initials of the Voodoo Kin Mafia, VKM, and make them the initials of my dynasty’s company, so that when I declared ‘VKM invades the Cornellverse’, I would get the people who only read Cornellverse dynasties and the people who only read real-world dynasties, and together they would push my view-count higher than it had ever gone before!

 

… like I said. I was heavily medicated at the time. Much like whoever came up with the original ‘VKM’ angle.

 

Anyway, I recently found the first three shows, spellchecked them, and realized… I still find some of this stuff funny. So, I’m writing up at least one or two more shows, and we’ll see if people here still like it.

 

So, picture the scene… it’s the start of the TEW ’08 database, and advertising has been appearing nationwide for VKM. Nobody knows what VKM is, but people have been spotted wearing “I Am KVM” t-shirts, posters have been appearing at bus-stops, even television commercials have been seen, with people declaring “I Am VKM”. After several weeks, the ads begin to carry a time and channel. What, exactly, is VKM?

 

(Author's Note: Try to figure out which CornellVerse workers are playing these new alter-egos. It’s like getting to play Where’s Waldo! Also note that all match descriptions are mainly the highlights -- Otherwise, they'd get too boring to write.)

[infinitywpi]

The lights go down in the arena, the crowd getting... well, somewhat lively, as the cameras begin rolling. The entry ramp, flanked by twin flat screen HDTVs, is filling with dry ice smoke. The screens display a simple 'I Am VKM' logo.

 

"Radies and Gentermen... Wercome to VKM!"

 

The logo changes to say 'You Am VKM', and the lights go up to reveal a short, balding, middle-aged Japanese man in a referee's shirt holding the microphone. "Tonight, we have special treat for you! Victorious Kaiju Melee is proud to present not one, but two title matches! Tonight, grudge as old as time will be settled, as Dinner tries to take Tag Team Titles away from Breakfast! Also, our heroic champion, Zoo Warrior Fox, will defend Victorious Kaiju Melee World Victory Title against Chief Running Gag! Our first match--"

 

"Not so fast, Big Man!" The screens light up with the image of a man wearing a giant fake lizard mask. "I, Glortu, Lizard King Of Space, have thrown a wrench into your plans!" The man reaches out and pulls the camera downwards. Lying on the floor is a man dressed as a stereotypical Indian (sorry, Native American) Chief. "You have no contender for your main event. Glortu suggests that if Big Man knows what is good for him, he will put Glortu in main event instead! Muah-ha-ha! My plan is perfect!"

 

We fade out to commercial, Big Man pacing in the ring.

 

--------------

 

We return with Big Man still pacing, and cut over to the announce team.

 

JD: "Hiya, folks, and welcome to VKM. My name is Jeff Dunham and with me here in the booth is the greatest Woozle to call a wrestling match, Peanut."

 

P: "Are we really that hard up for money that we need to do this?"

 

JD: "Aw, c'mon, this is gonna be fun."

 

P: "Yeah, you would say that. I'm still not sure what the hell we just saw."

 

JD: "It's fairly simple. Glortu, Lizard King of Space, has ambushed the Number One Contender and demanded to take his place in tonight's main event."

 

P: "Glortu?"

 

JD: "Uh-huh."

 

P: "Lizard King of Space?"

 

JD: "That's right."

 

P: "... This is where you get your ideas for new characters, isn't it."

 

JD: "Enough. It looks like Big Man has finished pondering what just happened, and is ready to give a response..."

 

---------------

 

In the ring, Big Man stops pacing. "Ladies and Gentlemen, there has been a change to tonight's main event. Challenging for the Victorious Kaiju Melee World Victory Title will be--"

 

St. Judy's Comet (the Henry Loggins version, not the Paul Simon version) begins to play, and out comes a man in grey and blue tights with flaming red hair pulled back in a ponytail behind him.

 

JD: "Oh, no, it's Comet Man, the super-villain who always come back. What's he doing here?"

 

P: "Hopefully? Leaving. And taking me with him."

 

Cometman enters the ring and snatches the mic away from Big Man. "Now listen here, Big Man. You're not giving that match to Glortu, and I'll tell you why. That match should go to someone who deserves it. Someone who as done something nobody else in VKM has ever done, except you... appeared in the ring on every single episode. And that's me."

 

P: "Wait, isn't this our first episode?"

 

JD: "Well, he has a point. It's him and Big Man, and that's it."

 

Big Man timidly takes the mic back. "Comet Man, you make good point. So I make you deal. You win your match? You get to be in main event. But first, you need beat... The Kosher Kreature!"

 

Hava Nagila begins to play, and out comes a Hassidic Rabbi. He stops a few steps from the entry, turns, and motions to someone backstage. Out walks a massive man... or maybe a small man in a massive suit. He looks like he's made out of big, brown blocks of stone.

 

JD: "And here comes one of the few true good beings in VKM, the Kosher Kreature."

 

P: "... how many cultures are we going to offend tonight?"

 

JD: "Probably at least a couple more."

 

P: "Oh, good, something to look forward to."

 

The Rabbi helps the Kreature into the ring, and then stays at ringside as Big Man calls for the bell. The two lock up, and Kreature shoves Comet down to the mat. Comet regains his feet quickly and tries again, but gets shoved down again.

 

JD: "Comet Man, getting first-hand experience of the strength of the Kreature."

 

P: "Wow, that thing is built like a brick sh--"

 

JD: "Peanut! You can't say that, this is family programming!"

 

P: "-- um... shoestore?"

 

Comet Man decides he's not getting anywhere and uses his speed to get behind the Kreature, pummeling him with lightning-fast lefts and rights to the back... all of which simply bounce off the foam suit. The Kreature turns and levels Comet Man with a massive clothesline, sending him bouncing across the mat. The Rabbi can be heard verbally berrating Comet Man as he gets up, but before he can get to his feet, the Kreature has a hand on either side of Comet Man's head and begins to squeeze.

 

JD: "Oh, and there's the Golem Grip! It's got to be all over now!"

 

Sure enough, after a few moments, Comet Man stops to struggle, and then passes out. The Kreature drops him to the mat, and Big Man calls for the bell. "Your winner by knockout, The Kosher Kreature!"

 

We get a replay of the clothesline as Comet Man gets carted off, and then go backstage, where a guy in a big, blobby brown costume is doing squats to warm up. Another guy in a big, round, white costume walks in and says, "Ready?" The first guy grunts, and the two walk off. We then see... a totally different guy in a brown blobby costume doing squats, and another totally different guy in a round, white costume walk in and ask if he's ready. Again, the guy in the brown suit grunts, and the pair leaves. Was that two takes of the same scene with different workers?

 

P: "Deja vu..."

 

---------------------------

 

We return, and in the center of the ring is a small, square table with four place settings around it. Big Man is standing nearby. "Ladies and Gentlemen, following match is for one fall, and is for Victorious Kaiju Melee Tag Team Justice! Introducing first, the challengers, representing Dinner, team of... Liver and Onion!"

 

Dinner At Eight plays. The first pair that we saw before the break come out of the entry. They don't even get halfway to the ring before Onion is yelling at some kid by the walkway. The kid doesn't take it very well.

 

P: "Oh, you've got the be kidding me. Onion made the kid cry?"

 

JD: "Well, no child I know of likes liver and onion."

 

P: "That makes them the bad guys, right?"

 

JD: "I... honestly have no idea. The writeups I was given didn't say anything about that."

 

Once the challengers get in the ring and move to the far side, Big Man raises the mic again. "And introducing, your holders of Victorious Kaiju Melee Tag Team Justice, representing Breakfast... STEAK AND EGG!"

 

Breakfast At Tiffany's plays, and out comes the second pair that we saw before the break, and their costumes look almost exactly the same as the first pair... but these two act in a much more friendly fashion to the fans.

 

JD: "... My job just got a bit more difficult."

 

P: "Mine didn't. Big blobby brown guy and round white guy are gonna win. Wake me when the match is over."

 

Onion and Steak start the match off, locking up near the table, as Jeff and Peanut argue about how they can't tell the two teams apart. Onion uses a few power moves to slam Steak into the mat, but Steak keeps getting up.

 

JD: "That is one tough steak."

 

P: *groans in pain*

 

Steak makes a mini-comeback, pushing Onion into the ropes. He almost makes it into his corner for a tag, but Onion pulls him back across the ring and tags in Liver. Liver stomps on Steak and then goes to the turnbuckles, landing a big flying kneedrop... legdrop... splash... something, on Steak. Egg tries to cheer on his partner and begs for a tag. Liver pulls Steak to his feet and whips him into the corner, then distracts Big Man while Onion takes a cheap shot. Egg charges in, but Big Man stops him and argues, letting the heels get in a two-on-one beatdown on Steak until Egg gets back to his corner. And something resembling a surprise rollup from Steak on Liver! One, two, no! Steak heads for his corner for a tag, but once more gets pulled back.

 

JD: "Okay, according to the bios I was given, Steak used to be a member of Dinner, before he formed a friendship with Egg and left to join him in winning Tag Team Justice."

 

P: "Do you believe you're being paid to say these things?"

 

Steak gets stomped in the corner, but rolls away and Liver gets stuck in the ropes! Steak delivers a few chops to Liver's back and heads towards Egg. Liver gets free and goes after him. Steak gets to Egg... and stops, not making the tag, turns, and levels the charging Liver! Fast cover, one, two, three!

 

JD: "The champs retain!"

 

Onion runs across the ring and shoves Egg off the apron to the floor. Liver walks over to the set table and takes one of the knives from the place setting and begins stabbing it into Steak's costume.

 

P: "Whoa who whoa! I thought this was a kid's show! Hel-lo!"

 

Onion grabs a knife and joins his partner. After a few moments of the crowd voicing their disproval, they begin to cheer as Egg sneaks into the ring from the other side and grabs a pair of forks... then charges the other team jabbing them with the forks repeatedly.

 

P: "Fork You! Fork You! Fork You!"

 

JD: "It looks like Egg has finally cracked!"

 

Liver and Onion are driven out of the ring and retreat as Egg stands over Steak, motioning for a paramedic, never dropping his forks.

 

------------------------------

 

We return to a replay of the post-match happenings, and then go backstage to where a guy in a paramedic's outfit is putting giant band-aids on Steak, with Egg nearby.

 

E: "Why, man? Why'd you do it? I could've helped!"

 

S: "I had to prove to you... prove that when I left Dinner, when you took me in... that I could take care of myself. You could have teamed with anyone... Ham, Sausage, Bacon, hell, you even had a great team with Toast... but you chose to team with me. And I had to prove... you didn't have to carry me..."

 

Steak passes out. Egg, looking full of rage, leaves the room in a huff.

 

Back in the ring, everything has been cleaned up and Big Man has the mic again. "Next match scheduled for one fall. Introducing first... GDL!"

 

I Like to Move It Move It (Madagascar Version) plays, and out comes a man wearing a giant lemur costume and holding a brown paper bag with a bottle sticking out of it.

 

P: "... Is that a Giant Drunken Lemur?"

 

JD: "It is indeed!"

 

GDL acts belligerent all the way to the ring, where he tries to climb between the ropes and slips off the apron to the floor before finally getting in. Big Man raises the mic. "And his opponent... Half Man, Half Machine. Half Private Investigator, Half Egg Timer, he is... Hard Boiled!"

 

Theme to Magnum, P.I. blares from the speakers, and out comes a man in a trench coat with a metal half-mask.

 

P: "And I thought some of the guys I work with in comedy are strange."

 

Hard Boiled gets in the ring and takes off his coat to reveal wrestling tights and an egg timer on his chest. He winds the timer and nods to Big Man, who calls for the bell. The two circle each other. GDL goes to lock up, but Hard Boiled snatches his paper bag away from him and takes a swig of his booze. GDL becomes furious and pounces on Hard Boiled, knocking him to the mat while scratching and wailing strange, high-pitched animal noises.

 

JD: "Giant Drunken Lemur is obviously upset... given the cost of alcohol these days, I don't blame him."

 

P: "I thought nothing could top that last match, but we've gone right past Highly Surreal and landed in Downright Freakin' Dadaesque here."

 

JD: "Dada?"

 

P: "Not according to the paternity tests, I'm not."

 

Hard Boiled fights Lemur off with strong right hands and a finger poke to the eyes, then actually delivers a suplex that lands the Lemur on his tail. Instead of covering, Hard Boiled takes a moment to re-wind his egg timer, letting GDL get to his feet. GDL tries to jump on Hard Boiled from behind, but Hard Boiled steps to the side, and Lemur hits the turnbuckle. More rights, followed by stomps as Lemur slides to the mat. Some choking with the boot, and Hard Boiled pulls Lemur to his feet and walks him to the center of the ring. The cyborg detective raises his hand and calls out "Case Closed!" Irish whip, Lemur bounces off the ropes, Hard Boiled gets into position for his finisher... and there's a 'ding' and Hard Boiled freezes in place. The Lemur bounces off him, knocking them both to the mat. GDL is up first, looking confused, and he trips over Hard Boiled, looking confused, landing on top of him. One, two, three. The bell rings, and GDL wanders off in search of booze. Big Man looks at the still-frozen Hard Boiled, shakes his head, and winds the man's egg timer so he can explain to him that he lost.

 

--------------------

 

When we come back, the lights are dim, and various big foam blocks painted to look like buildings are scattered about ringside. "And now, our main event. Following match scheduled for one fall and is for Victorious Kaiju Melee World Victory Title. Introducing first, the challenger, Lizard King of Space, Glortu!"

 

Celebration of the Lizard plays, and out strides Glortu, a royal purple cape on his back, giant lizard head and scale-print bodysuit. He climbs in the ring and removes a golden crown from his head and puts it on the turnbuckle, then poses on all four ringposts making "I'm gonna wear the belt here" motions.

 

"And his opponent... he is the reigning VKM World Victory Champion... representing the Zenoform Observation Operation, he is Zoo Warrior Fox!"

 

The Final Countdown plays, and out comes a man dressed in a Power Rangers outfit, topped with a fox-themed helmet and a golden belt around his waist. He stops to hi-5 the fans along the walkway and hands Big Man the belt as he gets in the ring.

 

Big Man calls for the bell, and the two circle each other. The first few minutes give us more actual wrestling than we've seen all night, as it's obvious these two know what they're doing in there.

 

P: "Hey, waitaminute... I recognize this. This is wrestling. Why didn't you tell me that this was wrestling?"

 

JD: "It wasn't obvious?"

 

P: "Duh, no!"

 

Obviously outclassed, Glortu hits a sneaky low blow and heads for the turnbuckle, apparently trying to take the cover off. Zoo Warrior Fox recovers, but he's distracted by the appearance of a large man dressed in a spider costume, complete with extra legs that move when his arms move. The spider lunches at Fox, who uses the top rope for leverage in a swooping dropkick to knock the spider back into the crowd. Fox turns and sees Glortu, he charges and hits a lungblower, then quickly scales the turnbuckle for a shooting star press... but Glortu rolls away, revealing his plan. he didn't unbuckle the turnbuckle cover -- he was taking his crown, and he's left it right on the mat... and Zoo Warrior Fox lands right on the pointy parts. He writhes in pain as Glortu kicks the crown away so Big Man won't see it and makes the cover. Reluctantly, Big Man drops to the mat and counts... one... two... three. Celebration of the Lizard plays as Glortu snatches his belt from Big Man and then rolls out of the ring to get his crown, holding both of them as he heads to the back, the spider-thing by his side.

 

JD: "Of all the sneaky, despicable... unfortunately, folks, we're ending on that down note tonight, as we're about out of time."

 

P: "Unfortunately? Dude, it's ending, that's a good thing!"

 

JD: "I'm Jeff Dunham, with me is Peanut, and until next week... remember, You am VKM!"

 

Fade out.

[infinitywpi]

The crowd is hushed. A little more quiet, a little more subdued than last week... okay, also a little smaller... but there's a portion of them wearing VKM merchandise, so that's good. We'll weed out the fans who aren't interested and make a profit off those who are willing to give us their money. I calmly note that we need to order more Zoo Warrior Fox and Glortu, Lizard King of Space masks, and that perhaps we should discontinue the Comet Man 'flaming fists' as we haven't sold a one. Not even online. Not even to 'adult specialty' customers. With a name like that, we were expecting crossover appeal.

 

A roar echoes through the speakers (a roar that, I should point out, sounds nothing at all like any incarnation of Godzilla... okay, maybe we lifted it from that movie with Ferris Beuller and that song from Puff Daddy that Lead Zepplin sampled) and the lights come up, Big Man standing in the ring, mic raised to his pudgy little face. "Radies and Genterman, wercome to Victorious Kaiju Melee!" Cheers from the crowd. Not as much as last week, but the hype has worn off... we sink or swim based on how entertaining we are now. "Tonight, we have special treat for you! In main event, Zoo Warrior Fox and Chief Running Gag seek revenge on Glortu, Lizard King of Space and Arachnos The Spider! Egg has challenged any member of dinner to face him in ring tonight! And also, Gee Dee Ell will face The Rock Monster in... A TOKYO STREET FIGHT! But fi--"

 

St. Judy's Comet (the Henny Loggins version, not the Paul Simon version) hits the speakers, and out flies (well, runs) Comet Man. The blue-suited man with the red hair and fists grabs the mic from Big Man, cutting him off. "Whoa, whoa, whoa! You forgot the most important news of all, Big Man! It's been a week, and that means, The Comet Is Back! Now, I've been saying for months that I could take the Victorious Kaiju Melee World Victory Title away from Fox Mask, and I think I've been cheated out of the main event twice now!"

 

Before Big Man can respond, the screens by the entryway light up with footage from last week, footage of Comet Man saying "You're not going to give that match to Glortu, (small edit) That match should go to someone who deserves it." The clip repeats twice more, and then fades away to show Glortu, Lizard King of Space sitting in a low-budget futuristic chair, watching a softly-glowing orb. "Heh heh heh... Comet Man, there was a day when you were one of the most feared being in space. That day has long since passed. Tonight, you shall pay for your insolence, at the hands of my newest lackey... Stinger the Scorpinoid! Muah-ha-ha! My plan is perfect!"

 

A musical sting plays through the speakers as out comes a lumbering man... lumbering because he's forced to wear a giant foam scorpion costume, complete with claws and tail. Comet Man tosses the mic away as Big Man calls for the match to start and the two lock up.

 

Jeff Dunham: "Welcome to Victorious Kaiju Melee, folks. If you're just joining us, Glortu, Lizard King of Space, has taken offense to Comet Man trying to take his title shot last week and has sent Stinger the Scorpinoid to teach the old super-villain a lesson."

 

Peanut: "My name is Peanut and with me, as always, is Jeff-effah Dun-Ham, and I can't believe what I'm seeing here tonight."

 

JD: "What is that, Peanut? The pageantry, the suspense, the action?"

 

P: "No, they charge five bucks for a beer here! With how much they're paying us, that means I have to watch this show sober! Unless, of course, you start drinking."

 

Comet Man slips behind Scorpinoid and begins raining fiery blows upon his back, but the scorpion turns quickly and knocks the super-villain away with his tail. Comet Man seems dazed by that, and the scorpion quickly locks a claw around his neck.

 

JD: "Oh, and it may be over! It looks like Comet Man is fading fast..."

 

P: (bored) "Y'don't say."

 

JD: "...That giant claw of the Scorpinoid, cutting off his circulation..."

 

P: (still bored) "A-yeap."

 

JD: "And Comet Man is out! Big Man is calling for the bell!"

 

P: (snores)

 

JD: "Oh, come on... it wasn't that bad."

 

We cut to the back, where Glortu, Lizard King of Space, and Arachnos the Spider stand in the cheaply-constructed sci-fi set. "All according to my plan," Glortu intones, "Tonight shall see my second victory over that accursed Zoo Warrior Fox, and soon we shall solidify our rule over the one part of the galaxy we do not already control... Victorious Kaiju Melee! Muah-Ha-Ha! My plan is perfect!"

 

-----------------------------------

 

We come back to the image of Chief Running Gag, standing backstage. "Last week... I was attacked." Footage of last week runs. "Last week, I was denied my chance, not only at the Victorious Kaiju Melee World Victory Title, but denied my chance to provide an honorable match between two beings who respect each other. Glortu, Lizard King of Space, you chose the wrong target last week. A cowardly attack from behind is the sort of thing that gets my blood boiling. Tonight, guided by the power of my ancestors, I will get my revenge. Prepare yourself for the warpath."

 

We go back to ringside with Jeff and Peanut, the first time the two have appeared on camera tonight.

 

JD: "A very angry, yet very stoic, Chief Running Gag, folks."

 

P: "I can tell he's popular around here with the bosses."

 

JD: "How can you tell?"

 

P: "They've obviously been smoking the peace pipe together." *makes inhaling noises* "Duuuuuude... what the *bleep* does kemosabe mean, anyway?"

 

Back in the ring with Big Man, who appears to be sweating a big more than usual this week; this bald head is shining. "Radies and gentermen, following match scheduled for one round, and is open challenge match! Introducing first, representing Breakfast... Egg!"

 

Breakfast at Tiffany's plays, and out comes everyone's favorite man in a round, white oblong of a costume, stomping down to the ring.

 

JD: "It sure looks like Egg is steamed."

 

P: "... we're going to do one of these jokes every time he shows up, aren't we."

 

JD: "Quiet, he's going to talk."

 

Egg does, indeed, have the mic. "Last week, after winning a match that was just like a balanced breakfast -- fair and square -- my partner, Steak, was viciously attacked by those who think that simply being the biggest meal of the day makes them the best. Well, I'm here to prove otherwise. So anyone out there who's associated with Dinner, come on out and let me scramble you!"

 

There's a pause, and then some generic Creole music begins playing and out walks a... giant chicken with a redneck grin and buck-tooth sticking out of its beak.

 

JD: "I... have no idea who this is... perhaps it's Southern Fried Chicken?"

 

P: "No, if he were fried, he'd have a joint... he just smells like whiskey."

 

(pause)

 

P: "It's Bourbon Chicken, isn't it."

 

Bourbon Chicken (for that is, indeed, his name) waddles down to the ring and climbs over the ropes, clucking at Egg. Egg actually seems taken aback by this, and is making motions like he doesn't want this fight. The bell rings, and Egg looks over at Big Man... and gets rocked with a right hook, followed by a clothesline. Egg tries to roll under the ropes, but Bourbon Chicken puts the boots to him, then pulls him back to the center of the ring. It's about as brutal as a guy in a giant chicken outfit beating on a guy with a giant egg costume can be... and then all the fun gets sucked out of it when Egg starts crying, "Please, Mommy, stop hitting me! You're always hitting me when you drink!" Big Man tries to separate the two, but takes an errant wing from Bourbon Chicken and calls for the DQ. The Chicken, mad, stomps Egg one more time and walks off in a huff of feathers.

 

P: "... okay, that was surreal. But not funny. Why can't we get surreal and funny at the same time?"

 

JD: "Maybe after the commercial. GDL vs The Rock Monster in a Tokyo Street Fight, next!"

 

---------------------------------

 

We return with the camera focused squarely on Big Man's face. "Next match is... TOKYO STREET FIGHT!" The camera pulls back. All around ringside are large (say, five-feet-tall-ish) foam buildings. The ring is chris-crossed by black stripes for roads and tiny foam houses for the suburbs.

 

I Like to Move It Move It (Madagascar Version) plays, and out comes a man wearing a giant lemur costume and holding a brown paper bag with a bottle sticking out of it.

 

JD: "Giant Drunken Lemur, coming off a strong win over Hard Boiled, the half-detective, half-egg-timer last week here in Victorious Kaiju Melee, looks to be in good spirits tonight."

 

P: "Was that a 'spirits' as in 'alcohol' joke?"

 

JD: "... not an intentional one, no."

 

P: "Good. I like this guy, it would be a shame to ruin him with bad puns."

 

GDL climbs the ring ropes and perches on the turnbuckle, enjoying a long swallow from his paper-bagged bottle, and then stares intently at the walkway. Big Man, now at ringside, announces, "And his opponent... The Rock Monster!"

 

A badly overdubbed version of Rock Lobster plays, and out comes a familiar-looking pile of foam rocks.

 

P: "Hey, wait a minute... we saw this guy last week."

 

JD: "No, actually, we didn't. This is The Rock Monster. He looks quite similar to The Kosher Kreature, but he's not accompanied by The Rabbi, so you can tell he's someone else."

 

P: "The budget must be tighter than I thought. Hey, GDL, knock his block off for me!"

 

GDL actually shoots Peanut a thumbs-up and hops off the turnbuckle, stomping on a small house as The Rock Monster climbs into the ring.

 

P: "Oh, the foam-manity!"

 

The two lock up, and the bell rings. Rock Monster appears to attempt some sort of suplex, but loses his footing on a foam house and the two crash to the mat, GDL's bottle skittering across the ring. he seems more concerned with getting it back than with the match, allowing The Rock Monster to whip him into the ropes and backdrop him, scattering several blocks worth of foam houses and tiny cardboard cars.

 

JD: "There's several Sim City fans out there who're simply aghast at this carnage."

 

(pause)

 

JD: "You're not going to make an 'aghast at how bad this is' joke?"

 

P: "Nah. I like these two. They remind me of fami... hey, why is there a guy in the audience wearing palm leaves on his head?"

 

JD: "... I don't know, he's not in my writeups."

 

There is, indeed, a guy wearing palm fronds on his head in the audience, three rows back from ringside. In the ring, GDL is getting angry and picks up a section of road, which appears to be made of plastic, and begins whipping The Rock Monster with it. After a few hits, Rock Monster picks up a road of his own and whips the Lemur with it. An impromptu fencing match breaks out, with ripostes and parries galore.

 

JD: "Well, we did call it a Street Fight."

 

P: (groans)

 

GDL knocks Rock Monster's street aside and slams his own street over the Monster's head. The Monster responds by grabbing Lemur and tossing him over the ropes, knocking down several foam skyscrapers in the process. The Monster then goes to the turnbuckle, getting the crowd buzzing. He jumps, it looks like an axe-handle attempt, but Lemur is up and tosses a skyscraper at him as he gets out of the way! Monster stumbles a bit on landing, leaning against the security railing. GDL charges with a clothesline, knocking over two more skyscrapers and twisting Monster over the railing into the crowd! Monster tries to grab the Lemur, but Lemur pokes him in the... well, eye... erm, ocular region... face? Blinded, Monster tries to grab Lemur again, but grabs a foam building instead... release overhead suplex on the highrise! It goes flying back two rows... and the fan with the palm fronds gets it in the face and falls over, one hand clutching the side of his face!

 

P: "Yeap. He was a plant. Boy, shouda seen that coming, really."

 

GDL grabs Monster from behind and hauls him back over the railing, stomps him a few times, then rolls him into the ring. He doesn't get in right away; he picks up a fallen building and climbs the outside turnbuckle, holding the foam structure in front of him, he leaps... Giant Drunken Splash! The Lemur hooks the Monster's leg, Big Man makes the three count, and GDL wins!

 

As the clean-up crew comes out to pick up all the buildings, the screens cut to the back, where Zoo Warrior Fox is standing outside a locker room door... and knocks on it. "Chief, you ready?" "Gimmie a minute. I must finish communing with the spirits of my ancestors." "Right. I'm heading to the ring. Finish the pipe fast and get out there. We've got a lizard to skin."

 

-----------------------------------

 

We return with the cleanup crew finishing up cleaning the ring, so we get a quick recap of what happened in the last match.

 

JD: "And the fan who was injured in that ma--"

 

P: "Fan, my purple patootie! He was a plant!"

 

JD: "Do you have to interrupt me?"

 

P: "Only when you're still talking."

 

JD: "Anyway, folks, the fan who was injured by the Chrysler Building is being treated at an area hospital. We'll update you on his condition later."

 

P: "... The Chrysler Building's not in Tokyo, is it?"

 

JD: "Do you really want to apply logic to this show?"

 

Now that the ring is cleaned up, Big Man is on the mic. "Next match is Main Event! Introducing first, representing Zoo Warriors... Zoo Warrior Fox!" The Final Countdown plays, and out comes the not-at-all-power-ranger-esque Zoo Warrior Fox to the ring, doing a quick pose for the fans. "And his-ah partner, Chief Running Gag!" Indian Outlaw comes out over the speakers... plays for three minutes... and fades out. "Uh... his partner, Chief Running Gag?" The music plays again for a minute, then the screens light up... and Stinger the Scorpinoid lumbers out of the locker room door we saw earlier. The camera goes inside, and Chief Running Gag is laid out, his headdress and pipe lying next to him.

 

In the ring, Zoo Warrior Fox is shaking his head. "Um... moving light arong... his opponents, Victorious Kaiju Melee World Victory Champion Glortu, Lizard King of Space, and Arachnos The Spider!" Celebration of the Lizard plays, and out come the nefarious duo, the man with the giant lizard head wearing the VKM title belt around his waist. The spider-costumed man beside him gestures threateningly to the crowd with multiple arms on their way to the ring, where Zoo Warrior Fox, despite the odds, refuses to back down from the fight.

 

P: "Well, this should be short."

 

The bell rings, and Glortu commands his henchman to "Get him!" Arachnos pauses, and that's enough for Fox to take the initiative, trying for a quick rollup. Arachnos kicks out, and the match is on. Much like last week's main event, these guys all seem to know what they're doing, despite the unwieldy costume Arachnos has to wear. Fox does an excellent job of keeping The Spider isolated, working the 'arms' of the costume with various holds and drops before going for a Fox Flipoff DDT, which gets one, two, thr-- someone pulls Fox out of the ring!

 

JD: "It's Stinger! The Scorpinoid has come to ringside to assist his fiendish master's diabolical plan!"

 

P: "You're giving Glortu a bit too much credit there, don't'cha think?"

 

Fox valiantly fights off Stinger, but he's gone long enough for Arachnos to make the tag, and Fox gets pulled into the ring by Glortu, Lizard King Of Space. Stinger rolls in as well, and Fox is badly outnumbered... but he still doesn't back down, pouncing on Glortu with a modified Lou Thez Press (or whatever they call it in the Cornellverse, honestly, I forget if we ever covered that). The other two drag him off, and Glortu, Lizard King of Space, begins delivering powerful punches to Fox's midsection as he's held helpless. Somewhere in there, Big Man calls for the bell, but the villains don't notice, only continuing their beatdown until Fox can no longer stand. The three then walk to the opposite side of the ring and pose...

 

JD: "Look at this... look at this man's heart, his spirit..."

 

Zoo Warrior Fox is back up, unsteady, using the ropes to support himself, but up! As Big Man announces, "Winner of match, but disqualification, Zoo Warrior Fox," Fox strikes a pose, and presses a button on his belt. The Final Countdown plays as the terrible trio advance on our hapless hero... and out from the crowd runs a pair of men! Wearing costumes like Fox's, only instead of red one man wears brown and the other blue! From the animal motifs of their helmets, they can only be Zoo Warrior Monkey and Zoo Warrior Shark! Confronted with two new Zoo Warriors, Glortu, Lizard King of Space motions for his henchmen to follow him and climbs out of the ring, displaying his VKMWVT belt above his head as they leave through the entryway.

 

P: "Go Go Zoo Warriors!"

 

JD: "And we're out of time for this week, folks! Come back next week, I'm sure this can't be finished yet!"

 

P: "I wonder if they need a Zoo Warrior Woozle..."

[infinitywpi]

For the record-setting third week in a row, the lights go up in the Victorious Kaiju Melee Arena... but this time, it's not Big Man in the ring, it's the three jumpsuit-clad men known as the Zoo Warriors: Fox, Shark, and Monkey. Fox, with his red-highlighted costume, has the mic.

 

"Ladies and Gentlemen... we three are members of the Zenophile Observation Operation Warriors. We are here to protect each and every human being on this planet from the menace of Kaiju... and last week, we failed our duty."

 

On the two 'big'-screen TVs by the entryway, footage of last week's GDL/Rock Monster Tokyo Street Fight plays, including the 'plant' in the audience being hit with a foam building. "I was so caught up in my pursuit of Glortu, Lizard King of Space, that I forgot what was truly important... the fans in attendance. So Glortu can rest easy tonight, because I have a lesson I need to teach. GDL, when you mess with the humans, you mess with the Zoo! You may be able to beat cyborgs and rock monsters, but you're going to find that humans... are a whole. Different. Animal."

 

Cue the Victorious Kaiju Melee opening, which is really just some clips of the last two shows string together with cheesy music, and then we head to the announce booth.

 

Jeff Dunham: "Welcome once again to Victorious Kaiju Melee. I'm your host, Jeff Dunham, and with me as always is Peanut. Peanut, what do you think of what we just saw?"

 

Peanut: "Beyond enjoying the obvious sociopolitical commentary of humans being a whole different animal while feeling indignant over the innate hypocrisy to ignore a greater evil to deal with a smaller one you believe won't be as difficult to defeat?"

 

JD: "... I guess."

 

P: "Not much."

 

JD: "Of course. Anyway, we're going to get right back into the action as the Victorious Kaiju Melee Tag Team Justice is on the line. Steak has recovered from his brutal stabbing two weeks ago by Liver and Onion, and we're going to see a Breakfast vs Dinner rematch, right after these commercials."

 

--------------------------------------

 

We return to Big Man, our favorite portly bald Japanese referee, in the ring. "Radies and Gentermen, following match scheduled for one fall, and is for Victorious Kaiju Melee Tag Team Justice! Representing first, introducing Dinner..." Big Man pauses, then shrugs and keeps going. "Accompanied by Bourbon Chicken... Team of Liver and Onion!"

 

Dinner At Eight plays, and the familiar brown-blob-costumed man and white-round-costumed man stride down the ramp, with the man in the chicken costume following them, drinking occasionally from a flask of whiskey he keeps hanging from a tether around his neck.

 

JD: "And right there, you have to give Dinner the psychological edge after the drunken beating Bourbon Chicken gave Egg last week."

 

P: "Which reminds me of a joke. How do you beat an egg in Victorious Kaiju Melee? By... no, wait, that's not funny. Forget it."

 

Back to the ring, and Big Man. "And introducing, representing Breakfast, they are Victorious Kaiju Melee Tag Team Justice... team of Steak and Egg!"

 

Breakfast at Tiffany's plays, and out comes a similar pair of brown-blobby-costumed man and white-round-costumed man, with the exception of a black crack inked onto the white costume and the brown costume having some bandages wrapped around it. The bandages, of course, have been colored to look like bacon.

 

P: "Bacon-wrapped steak. Deeee-licious. And keeping in theme, since Bacon is probably part of Breakfa-- oh, god, I'm over-analyzing things, aren't I."

 

JD: "Egg is proceeding slowly, it looks like he just caught sight of Bourbon Chicken and is hesitant to come to ringside."

 

After some convincing by Steak, Egg gets to the ring and Big Man calls for the match to start. Steak begins things with Onion, and the two go at it viciously... and by viciously, I mean a lot of running shoulder blocks and punching.

 

JD: "Onion, of course, Steak's original tag team partner as 'Skillet Sensations' until Steak got tired of being told Onion was carrying the team. There's no love lost between these two."

 

The tide turns against Steak with some double-team moves, Liver and Onion tagging in and out to tenderize Steak until he makes a comeback with a double-clothesline and heads towards his own corner... but Egg isn't there! Bourbon Chicken is advancing on him, and Egg is backing up the ramp, begging 'Mama' not to hurt him. Steak gets attacked from behind, and barely manages to kick out at two. It doesn’t look like he can last much longer...

 

JD: "What the hell?"

 

P: "GDL! GDL! GDL!

 

Giant Drunken Lemur runs down the ramp and yanks Bourbon Chicken's flask from off his neck! He's drinking the chicken's whiskey! Egg is confused, the chicken is confused, GDL is putting the flask's tether around his own neck and running back up the ramp! Bourbon Chicken runs after him, squawking mad! Egg watches him go, then looks in the ring, and charges! One, two, Egg breaks up the cover! Liver tossed to the outside! Onion whipped to the ropes... drop toe hold, and Egg mounts Onion and begin peeling a layer of his costume off of him!

 

JD: "Egg appears to be all fired up now that the Chicken has flown the coop."

 

P: "Y'know, this match was ten times better when GDL was out here, and somehow managed to not suck since he left."

 

Big Man forces Egg to go back to his corner, but the attack has bought Steak enough time to make the tag. Egg comes in, climbs to the top turnbuckle, and splashes Onion for the three-count to retain Tag Team Justice yet again! The pair celebrate as we fade out.

 

-------------------------

 

Backstage, GDL is scampering through the hallways, Bourbon Chicken charging and squawking after him. GDL turns a corner and hides in a supply closet until the Chicken runs past. Laughing, GDL leaves the closet... only to come face to fact with Glortu, Lizard King of Space; Arachnos The Spider; and Stinger the Scorpinoid. GDL takes a drink from his bottle-in-a-bag and backs up against a wall, ready to fight, but Glortu simply laughs. "You like alcohol, my friend? I know of a planet where the oceans are made of it. Come, let us... talk..."

 

JD: "Well, that doesn't bode well."

 

P: "Who cares? It's more GDL! He single-handedly pulls this show out of the toilet!"

 

Back to the ring. Already in the ring, the last strains of his music fading away, is Comet Man.

 

P: "Annnd we go right back down the crapper again. What's he doing back?"

 

JD: "Well, his orbit is scheduled to intersect with Earth once every week."

 

P: "Good."

 

JD: "Good?"

 

P: "If we ever have a big show on a different day of the week? He won't be there!"

 

"Now I know," Comet Man announces, "That I've had better days. I no longer inspire fear in the do-gooders of the world. The best part of my career is behind me. But I am Comet Man, dammit, and that deserves some respect! I lost to the Kreature, I lost to the Stinger, but tonight... tonight, I put one in the win column! Tonight, I put into motion my evil plan to take over Victorious Kaiju Melee! And it begins with my match here, tonight, right now. I am challenging, not some no-name monster, not a lackey... but a man who used to be the number one contender, Chief Running Gag! Now get out here, Tonto, so I can show these people just why I'm to be feared!"

 

Indian Outlaw plays... and plays... and repeats... and finally, Big Man runs up the ramp to the backstage area as Comet Man lounges in the ring. He even pantomimes a war dance for a little bit until Big Man returns. "Radies and Gentermen... Chief Running Gag has been attacked, and is being brought to a medical facirity. The winner of this match, by forfeit... Comet Man."

 

Comet Man laughs evilly as Big Man raises his hand, and keeps laughing his way up the ramp. "Wait until you all see who I beat next week!"

 

P: "Oh, come on! He's the suckiest part of this show, and now he does this? Does this mean we have to watch him do this again next week?"

 

Backstage, The ZOO are watching an ambulance take off into the parking lot, waving and saying "Goodbye, Chief." As they turn around, they're confronted with... Liver and Onion? Fists are raised, and Liver and Onion back off. "Hey, hey, we're not here for a fight, guys. We just thought you'd like to know... you might want to know where to direct your anger." The Zoo Warriors pause to listen. "See, we've had Breakfast's locker room under... observation... for a while now. And earlier tonight, we saw Comet Man go inside. And when he came out, he was laughing." Onion takes a videotape from inside one of his layers and hands it over. "Just thought you might want to know who was helping him in his little plan."

 

The Zoo Warriors take the tape, deliver a quick bow to Dinner, and jump off to review the evidence. Liver and Onion cackle quietly. "You think they'll figure out who did it, Onion?" "Of course not, Liver... after all, even Breakfast doesn't realize..." Liver removes yet another object from inside his layers... a peace pipe. "... they have a traitor in their midst."

 

P: "Hey, what is this, a plotline? Do I have to pay attention to what happens from week to week now?"

 

-----------------------------

 

We get a series of clips to recap what just happened.

 

JD: "Folks, it appears as if Comet Man, along with Dinner and an unnamed traitor within the ranks of Breakfast have all conspired to put one of the mightiest men in VKM, Chief Running Gag, out of commission."

 

P: "But who cares about Comet Man -- GDL is coming up next!"

 

JD: "He's orchestrating an evil plot, and you're asking who cares?"

 

P: "Whatever. The man's pathetic. If he were one of your characters, he'd be carved out of a boomerang -- he keeps coming back no matter how many times we throw him away."

 

JD: "Peanut, really, you should show at least a little respect. Big Man in the ring now, and it looks like we're ready for the main event, let's take you back to ringside."

 

The Final Countdown plays, and Big Man makes announcements. "Following match is Main Event! Introducing first, accompanied by Zoo Warrior Monkey and Zoo Warrior Shark, is... Zoo Warrior Fox!" The three march down the ramp and strike a group martial-arts pose in the middle of the ring. "And his opponent... GDL!"

 

I Like To Move It Move It (Madagascar Version) plays as GDL comes out, drinking from both his bottle and Bourbon Chicken's flask... and he's followed by Glortu, Lizard King Of Space, Arachnos, and Stinger.

 

JD: "The odds suddenly don't look good for Zoo Warrior Fox here, do they Peanut?"

 

P: "Normally, I'm apathetic about this kind of stuff. But if it helps GDL win, well, I'll allow it."

 

The bell rings, and Fox and GDL lock up for a bit of mat wrestling. Which works remarkably well, given that one of them is wearing a giant lemur outfit. At ringside, the Lizard Empire is cajoling the Zoo Warriors, keeping their attention off the match.

 

JD: "Certainly an explosive situation at ringside here, and an overhead suplex by GDL sends Zoo Warrior Fox across the ring!"

 

P: "Foxes can't fly! ... y'know, that'll be more funny if they ever get a Zoo Warrior Penguin."

 

Arachnos and Scorpinoid begin a physical confrontation with Zoo Warriors Shark and Monkey while Glortu laughs. In the ring, Fox is rebounding off the ropes with a flying lariat, knocking GDL to the mat, and he's up for a splash... when down the ramp comes Bourbon Chicken! Fox lands the splash, but gets pulled off by the Chicken, who begins pecking and scratching at GDL! Big Man calls for the bell as Glortu rolls into the ring, furious, and begins attacking Fox! Arachnos, Scorpinoid, and the other Warriors slide into the ring, and an eight-man brawl breaks out as Big Man leaves the ring for safety.

 

JD: "Total chaos has broken out in the ring here in the main event!"

 

P: "And why not? It's been everywhere else in this show."

 

Zoo Warriors Shark and Monkey are tossed out of the ring, and Fox and GDL find themselves back to back, surrounded. The two glance at each other, nod, and prepare for the worse. But it doesn't come, as Glortu picks up GDL's bottle-in-a-bag and smashes it over the head of Bourbon Chicken. "YOU RUINED MY PERFECT PLAN!!!!"

 

Enraged at the loss of his booze, GDL leaps at Glortu, and Fox follows him, holding off Arachnos and Scorpinoid. As the Giant Drunken Lemur scratches and wails at him, Glortu rolls out of the ring, only to be confronted with an angry Shark and Monkey. As Scorpinoid and Arachnos get dumped over the ropes, all three of them retreat up the ramp, making vaguely threatening motions... but mostly, retreating. GDL and the Zoo Warriors stand triumphant over the unconscious Bourbon Chicken, and there's a moment of tension as Fox picks up Chicken's whiskey flask... and then hands it to GDL, the crowd going wild at the symbol of friendship.

 

P: "GDL! GDL! Now this is my kind of show!"

 

JD: "And that's about all the time we have tonight, folks, be sure to joi-- hey, we're on the air, you can't come in he--"

 

Comet Man: "Pathetic, am I? I'll show you!"

 

P: "Hey, get your hands o--"

 

*crash* *boom*

 

JD: "Peanut!"

 

*clatter* *crash* *thud*

 

JD: "No!"

 

CM: "Ha-ha-ha! You already didn't want to see what I do next week, Peanut... and no, you really don't want to see it! But you don't have a choice, because next week, I have a match... WITH YOU! Ha-ha-ha!"

 

*door slams*

 

JD: "Peanut? Peanut! Speak to me! Peanut? Someone get a paramedic in here!"

 

Fade out.

[infinitywpi]

And now, a minor intermission, as we go over:

 

Victorious Kaiju Melee: Our Roster So Far

 

Please note that these are only the people on the roster that we know about… there’s some going to be introduced in the next two shows as well.

 

Staff:

Big Man (Played By: ?????): Apparently, the ref, ring announcer, and guy in charge here. Badly stereotyped Japanese accent. He’s short, so his name is meant to be ironic. Also bald and middle-aged.

 

Jeff Dunham (Played by Jeff Dunham): Currently the real world’s foremost comedy ventriloquist, with multiple Comedy Central specials and sold-out shows. The only ‘real-world’ person to appear in this dynasty. In retrospect, I get a real ‘Michael Cole’ vibe from his announcing, only his attempts come off more as earnest likeableness than Cole’s… whatever.

 

Peanut (Played by Jeff Dunham): If you haven’t seen his act… picture a teenaged purple Muppet troll doll on a Red Bull bender. If you have seen his act… I’m right, aren’t I?

 

Stables:

Zenoform Observation Operation

The ZOO Warriors are humans who have pledged to defend the Earth from the giant monster Kaiju who threaten it. Each one has taken the motif of an animal to aid them in telling each other apart. Their costumes are in no way Power Ranger knock-offs with minor alterations.

 

Zoo Warrior Fox (Played by Fox Mask): Red Costume

Zoo Warrior Monkey (Played by Hell Monkey): Brown Costume

Zoo Warrior Shark (Played by Silver Shark): Blue Costume

 

Glortu’s Empire

An entire empire of evil Kaiju, they claim to control all of known space except for Earth. The ZOO is all that stands between them and domination of the planet.

 

Glortu, Lizard King of Space (Played by Snap Dragon): The leader of the Empire (If he’s a King, shouldn’t it be a Kingdom?), an evil schemer who can wrestle as well as plan.

 

Stinger the Scorpionoid (Played by ?????): Big guy in a scorpion costume. Lackey of Glortu’s, serves as the muscle.

 

Arachnos the Spider (Played by ?????): Medium-sized guy in a spider costume. Has four extra arms, all connected to his ‘real’ arms so he looks like a spider. Lackey of Glortu’s, serves as the stealthy one.

 

Breakfast

One of two food-related stables that have a long history of being rivals, Breakfast is generally considered the ‘face’ of the pair. Gained the upper hand in the rivalry when Steak defected.

 

Egg (Played by ?????): Guy in a white, spherical costume. Close friends with his tag-team partner Steak. Apparently has ‘mommy issues’.

 

Steak (Played by ?????): Guy in a brown, blobby costume. Switched sides when Dinner complained they had to carry him in all his matches. Harbors a grudge and a need to prove himself.

 

Ham, Sausage, Bacon, Toast: Mentioned on-screen, but not actually seen.

 

 

Dinner

The other food-related stable. Generally considered to be the heels in the relationship, as they are more willing to cheat and otherwise use underhanded tactics… not to mention, just being meaner in general.

 

Onion (Played by ?????): Guy in a white, round costume. Seems to be the brains of the operation. Former tag-team partner of Steak, until he voiced his belief that Onion provided far more flavor to the team than Steak did. Makes kids cry.

 

Liver (Played by ?????): Guy in a brown, blobby costume. A last-second replacement for Steak, Liver is attempting to hold his own, even though very few people enjoy him.

 

Bourbon Chicken (Played by ?????): Guy in a chicken costume who smells like whiskey and is usually seen drinking. Not a nice guy; knows Egg is scared of him and enjoys beating him up.

 

Non-Affiliated Characters

These are the guys who don’t really belong to any one group.

 

Faces:

Chief Running Gag (Played by ?????): An honorable and respected Indian Chief. Is treated like a main event talent, but has yet to actually have a match as he has been knocked out backstage before every match.

 

Giant Drunken Lemur (Played by ?????): GDL is a guy in a giant lemur costume who always has a bottle of booze with him. Between his playful antics and his drunken wrestling style, he’s become a fan favorite.

 

Kosher Kreature (Played by ?????): A guy in a big, rocky costume. Considered to be one of the few ‘truly good’ monsters in the company. Accompanied by The Rabbi, who appears to be his manager/director.

 

Heels:

Comet Man (Played by ?????): The super-villain who always comes back. His orbit intersects with Earth once a week.

 

Rock Monster (Played by ?????): A guy in a big, rocky costume. Considered to be one of the few ‘pure, mindlessly evil’ monsters in the company. Not accompanied by The Rabbi.

 

Tweeners/Other:

Hard Boiled (Played by ?????): Half private detective, half cyborg, half egg timer. Must wind the egg timer on his chest every three minutes, or he freezes up. Considered to be very dangerous while able to move, especially because he works for anyone willing to pay him.

 

The Plant (Played by ?????): Not really a wrestler, but in this company, a guy who sits in the audience dressed up like a palm tree and gets ‘accidentally’ injured during crowd brawls is most likely on the roster somewhere.

[FINisher]

Dunham and Peanut, haha!! I want Walter!! I'll be guessing the characters in near future. This is certainly something different.

[foolinc]

So it's the C-Verse's version of HUSTLE? Awesome!!

[markish]

I remember this... I think?

 

Anyway, you're really getting across the organized chaos of that Kaiju Big Battel (lack of?) style and I'm sure as things go on you'll be able to drag me in more asnd more to the madness. I doubt you'll have anyone as evil as Doctor Cube running around, though...

[infinitywpi]

And after a break so long it feels like a lifetime, the VKM logo returns to the screen for the next week’s show!

 

The ring is already set up for action as Big Man gets right down to business. “Radies and Genterman… Victorious Kaiju Melee is preased to bling you special challenge match! Introducing first, accompanied by VKM’s very own announcer, Jeff Dunham… Peanut!”

 

The VKM theme plays, and out from the back comes Jeff, carrying Peanut, smiling and waving at the fans as he gets in the ring. Well, both of them smiling and waving. “And his opponent, from depths of outer space… Comet Man!”

 

St. Judy's Comet plays, and Comet Man walks with a purpose down to the ring. It looks like he’s got a new set of Flaming Fist gloves on, to try and move merchandise. Comet Man and Peanut stand face to face, talking smack. The bell rings… and Comet Man immediately complains about something to Big Man. Jeff looks confused as… Big Man pushes him over to the turnbuckle, insisting he get out of the ring?

 

Comet Man stands in the center of the ring laughing as Jeff and Peanut try to explain the whole ‘ventriloquism’ thing to Big Man, but he continues to insist that Jeff stay on the apron. Even Peanut tries to explain things, but gets cut off when Comet Man punches him in the face. Jeff protests very, very loudly, but Big Man physically prevents him from getting in the ring as Comet Man begins delivering vicious blows to Peanut before ripping him out of Jeff’s grasp and giving him an airplane spin before dropping him to the floor and making the cover. Three counts later, and Comet Man has just won his first match in Victorious Kaiju Melee.

 

A graphic shows, telling us that tonight’s main event is The ZOO Warriors vs. Glortu’s Empire in a Match In Space, and promises to be back right after this… with announcers.

 

--

 

Jeff Dunham: “Welcome back, folks, to Victorious Kaiju Melee! We are back, and Peanut has been taken to a medical facility for observation after that vicious assault by Comet Man. Joining me in the announce booth is a very good friend of mine, Walter.”

 

Walter: “Whatever. Can’t believe I got out of bed this morning for this.”

 

JD: “Come on, Walter, this’ll be fun. We’ve got some great matches tonight, including a Tag Team Justice match, and the main event Match In Space, with the winning team getting to decide who will be the Number One Contender for the Victorious Kaiju Melee World Victory Title.”

 

W: “Yeah, it’ll be fun! … Like a root canal! … Performed by Michael J Fox! Let’s face it, tonight is gonna suck!”

 

JD: “How can you be so sure?”

 

W: “I watched the first three last night.”

 

JD: “… Anyway, folks, last week Chief Running Gag was ambushed in his locker room while communing with his ancestors…”

 

W: “Who knew his ancestors were Harold and Kumar?”

 

JD: “… and his good friend, Zoo Warrior Fox, has deciding to bring in some outside help to track down the culprit. We’ll show you that later tonight, but first, we have a match to go to.”

 

The camera goes back to the ring, Hava Negila playing over the speakers. In the ring, Big Man makes introductions. “Following match is for Tag Team Justice! Introducing first, challengers, they are… Kosher Kreature and The Labbi!”

 

W: “Ever notice this guy’s accent is about as stable as the writing team?”

 

Out comes the big, rocky guy and the Hassidic Rabbi to the ring, shaking hands with the fans on their way down. “And their opponents, who currently hold Tag Team Justice… representing Breakfast and accompanied by Toast, they are… Steak and Egg!” Out comes our favorite brown blob and white ball, and this time they’re accompanied by a rather large woman dressed as a white-and-brown triangle.

 

JD: “With Breakfast tonight is the lovely Toast. I don’t mind telling you, if I weren’t a married man, I’d love to butter her up sometime.”

 

W: “… you do realize what you’re saying, right? Dumbass.”

 

For a rare face vs. face tag match, this one starts fairly smoothly, and establishes the story fairly quickly. Steak and Egg obviously have more tag experience, working as a team to keep The Rabbi isolated. But when he manages to make the hot tag to the Kreature, the crowd comes alive as the Clay Commando becomes a house of fire, keeping both of the champs off their feet. At one point, Egg is down in the ring and The Rabbi directs the Kreature to grab his ankles and hold them up, allowing the Rabbi to execute a diving headbutt to Egg’s nether regions.

 

JD: “… well?”

 

W: “No.”

 

JD: “It’s your line. Look, it’s written right here.”

 

W: “I am not saying that.”

 

JD: “Oh, fine. ‘Ouch! Right in the huevos!’”

 

W: “That wasn’t me. He just made himself sound like me, folks.”

 

The Kreature goes for the pin, and then… a scream, as everyone turns to look, and Toast is being dragged up the ramp by Liver and Onion! Steak is running after her, and The Kosher Kreature, Guardian of Goodness that he is, forgets the match and charges out of the ring to assist him! Toast is struggling for all she’s worth, and it buys enough time for Steak and the Kreature to reach her and fight off Dinner! At ringside, The Rabbi is just shaking his head and smiling as Big Man counts eight… nine… ten, the bell rings and the champs retain by count-out. To show there’s no hard feelings, Rabbi slides into the ring and helps Egg get to his feet as Kreature, Steak and Toast return, and both teams exchange handshakes.

 

JD: “And what a display of showmanship and respect from both teams, uniting to face a common foe. When we come back, Zoo Warrior Fox and his attempts to find who attacked Chief Running Gag!”

 

--

 

A video clip rolls. It’s in black and white. A dimly-lit office, cluttered with papers and empty take-out boxes. In the center of it, a wooden desk, stained with coffee rings and covered with empty bottles. On one side sits Zoo Warrior Fox. On the other side, feet up on the desk, sits Hard Boiled, the cyborg private investigator. The atmosphere is so thick you could cut it with a knife.

 

“Let me get this straight,” says the private dick, using one hand to wind his timer like he handle the dial on a combination lock, “Your buddy got whacked, and you’re too squeaky-clean to go into the gutter to find the scum what done it?” I knew the answer before I even asked the question; it was obvious from my client’s clothes that he wasn’t used to dealing with the dark underbelly of society. Not like I was used to it, at least. “A hundred a day. Plus expenses. And I warn you, buddy, I generate a lot of expenses.”

 

“… That is acceptable,” came the reply. This client wasn’t the kind of fox a detective was used to having saunter into his office. Regrettably, I hadn’t figured that out until after I was done ogling my client’s spandex-clad posterior. That was going to require several shots to forget… either whiskey to the gut, or lead to the brainpan. Still, in this economy, a client was a client, and someone hadn’t eaten anything but ramen and cheap grain alcohol for a week now. “I just hope your… personal feelings towards a member of Breakfast causes you to behave… unprofessionally.”

 

I paused and wound my timer again. The client had done his homework... you don’t really see that kind of dedication in desperate people these days. “You mean, the fact I put Egg away for three-to-five once? He might hold a grudge, but me? It was all business. If he didn’t want to be in hot water, he shouldn’t’ve stolen from the Old Yolks Home. Just like whoever got the drop on your buddy should’ve kept their nose clean if they didn’t want me on their trail. ‘cause let’s get one thing straight, Fox… I always get my man.” It wasn’t bragging, it was the truth. And as the Fox left the office, I looked at his check for the first week of service. There was a cancer somewhere in this company, and once more, it was up to me to be the scalpel that cuts it out, still bleeding, and throws it into the incinerator.

 

W: “… the hell was that? Did he seriously just narrate his own video clip? Dear god, what have you gotten me into?”

 

JD: “Could you at least pretend you’re sticking to the script? Coming up soon, our main event, but first, it’s the return of one of the fowl-est members of our roster.”

 

W: “… fowl-est? Please tell me you didn’t write these jokes.”

 

JD: “Well, the writing team places great faith in me to ‘punch-up’ their material.”

 

W: “I can think of a few things I’d like to ‘punch-up’ around here…”

 

In the ring, it’s introduction time! “Next match is scheduled for one fall, and is a Sober Fight! Introducing first, representing Dinner… Bourbon Chicken!”

 

Breakfast at Tiffany's plays, and out saunters the formerly-drunken chicken, appearing to have a massive hangover.

 

JD: “You may recall, when we last saw Bourbon Chicken, he had lost his flask of bourbon to the Giant Drunken Lemur. He must be suffering the mother of all hangovers.”

 

W: “Chicken? He? Call him what he is – he’s just a drunken ****.”

 

JD: “Walter! This is a family show! Can you try not to swear?”

 

The next fifteen seconds of commentary is completely bleeped out as the Chicken gets in the ring and sits down in one corner, holding his head. “And introducing opponent, brand new to Victorious Kaiju Melee… Grapes Of Wrath!” Sure enough, out comes a guy wearing the Fruit of the Loom grape costume.

 

W: “I guess selling underwear doesn’t pay as much as it used to.”

 

The match is a relatively short affair, as the Chicken is too hungover to move very fast, although he does knock Grapes of Wrath down and deliver an elbow drop to the unmentionables. Big Man isn’t there to call for a disqualification; for some reason, he’s out in the stands, handing things to people.

 

JD: “Ow, right in the grapes!”

 

W: “… You just made that joke with the egg guy! I’m more embarrassed than usual to be seen with you.”

 

JD: “Nobody can see you, Walter. Just hear you.”

 

W: “… so I could leave, and nobody would know? Why didn’t you tell me that earlier?”

 

Eventually, however, the Chicken succumbs to the hangover and, after a devastating body slam (Hey, you try doing anything devastating in giant costumes), he decides to just stay down, and Grapes of Wrath gets the victory in his debut match.

 

JD: “Stick around, folks, we’ve got one more commercial break, and then it’s our main event Match In Space!”

 

--

 

“Radies and Gentlemen… Victorious Kaiju Melee is proud to present tonight’s main event Match In Space, where winning team gets to declare new #1 Contender! Introducing first, from deepest depths of space, Glortu, the Lizard King… Scorpinoid the Stinger… and Arachnos the Spider… The Lizard Empire!”

 

Celebration of the Lizard plays as the terrible trio march down to the ring, Glortu wearing the VKM Title around his waist. Large Styrofoam ‘rocks’ litter ringside, with some of them being inside the ring, all painted a dull grey and craters carved into them. The Empire actually has to push some of the rocks out of the way to get into the ring.

 

“And opposing team, hailing from secret base somewhere on Earth… Fox, Shark, Monkey, they are ZOO Warriors!”

 

The Final Countdown plays, and out come our heroes. They appear to have added a bit to their costumes; Zoo Warrior Shark has a shark fin on his back, while Zoo Warriors Fox and Monkey have patches of fur on their shoulders. The three slide into the ring, ready to do battle. Big Man calls for the bell to start the match…

 

… and the lights go out in the arena.

 

W: “Oh, darn, the show’s over? Guess we’ll have to go home. Seriously, did someone forget to pay the electric bill?”

 

JD: “Well, we’ve been saying it’s a Match In Space. It’s dark in space.”

 

W: “It’s dark in… oh, good lord…”

 

Slowly, beams of light begin to shine onto the ring. It appears during the last match, Big Man was handing out flashlights instead of acting as a referee, and now those flashlights in the crowd are illuminating the match, waving back and forth, running along the stands, and generally being one of the stupidest ideas we’ve ever come up with. Nobody sees Zoo Warrior Shark hit a nice dropkick onto Arachnos the Spider, because there’s no flashlight on him; instead, some of the guys in the stands are playing “Find The Hottie.” Given our audience, they’re not really succeeding nearly as fast as they hoped they would. We finally get the crowd’s attention as Fox goes to the turnbuckles, only to be thrown off by Glortu and land badly on a giant rock.

 

W: “Heh. He landed on his as….teroid. That was almost funny.”

 

JD: “The Zoo Warriors fighting at a bit of a disadvantage here because of their helmets’ visors. The glare when the lights hit them must make it hard for them to see straight.”

 

W: “I can sympathize. I look at them and I can’t see straight, either. Nothing straight about dressing up in spandex…”

 

Scorpinoid is out now, picking up any rock he can get his hand on and slamming them down on Fox. Out of nowhere, another rock is thrown and Scorpinoid staggers against the security railing, but there was no light on whoever threw it. There… appears to be a fight breaking out in the audience, and the ring goes dark as every light turns to the fight, and… Big Man is fighting with a fan to try and get his flashlight? The workers in the ring appear to be using verbal cues to stage the fight, as you can hear various ‘oofs’ and ‘arghs’, and someone shouting “Ow! No! The pain!” Big Man finally wrestlers the flashlight away from the fan and attention returns to the ring… to show all six men just standing there, making noises like they were fighting. Zoo Warrior Monkey is choking himself, gurgling out, “Arachnos, no! Let me breathe!” As they realize the lights are on them, they all freeze… and then go back to the dignified business of fighting each other with giant foam rocks.

 

JD: “In a way, I don’t blame them. If I could get paid to just stand around and make noises all day…”

 

W: “… okay, that does it. I can’t do another show like this. Find someone else to fill in. I quit.”

 

Back in the ring, Arachnos is now strangling Monkey for real, while Fox and Shark have grabbed rocks and deliver a con-rock-to to Scorpinoid. Glortu tries to sneak away under the ropes, but Fox grabs him and pulls him back in as Shark saves Monkey. Arachnos is tossed out of the ring as Fox lifts Glortu onto his shoulders, and then Shark and Monkey arrive to help deliver the mother of all spike piledrivers for the victory!

 

JD: “They’ve done it! The zoo Warriors have won the right to declare the new #1 Contender! We’re out of time, so we’ll have to find out who that is next week! We’ll see you then, and remember… You Am VKM!”

[mistaken]

Hey I know i am annoying. but Welcome to the real world as a Wrestlemania 25 bonus?

[infinitywpi]

(Author’s note: I may be taking this whole thing way too seriously. I just asked myself, “Is Hard Boiled vs. Bourbon Chicken really worthy of being the main event? Can’t I come up with something better to put there?”)

 

And we’re back in the VKM arena (well, okay, it’s more of a ‘set’). The sound starts up, the spotlights go green and blue, and there’s… green ropes hanging tied across the cieling?

 

Jeff Dunham: “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome back to Victorious Kaiju Melee! My name is Jeff Dunham, and joining me in the announce booth tonight is my agent, Sweet Daddy D.”

 

SDD: “That’s Sweeeeeeeeeeeeet Daddy D! *tchk* And don’t you forget it. But I must say, I gots no idea why you wanted me here tonight.”

 

JD: “Well, Peanut’s still hurt and Walter won’t return my calls. But you’re in for a treat, because our main event tonight is a Deepest, Darkest Africa match between Giant Drunken Lemur and Tarzan, King of the Jungle!”

 

SDD: “Say what? Oh, now I see why you wanted me here. That’s racist! Why, I bet there isn’t a brother in this entire company!”

 

JD: “… Well, I…”

 

Thankfully for him, Jeff is cut off by Big Man entering the ring. “First match tonight, scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, representing Dinner… Liver and Onion!”

 

Dinner At Eight plays, and out come everyone’s least favorite brown blob and white sphere. On their way to the ring, the two charge at a young child at ringside and begin shouting at him until he hides behind his mother.

 

JD: “And as usual, folks, nobody likes Liver and Onion.”

 

SDD: “I can’t stomach this. Get some greens out here!”

 

As the evil foodstuffs get into the ring, the tone of the crowd changes greatly as the Final Countdown plays. “And introducing opponents… being accompanied by Fox… Shark and Monkey… THE ZOO Warriors!” Out come Zoo Warrior Fox, Zoo Warrior Shark and Zoo Warrior Monkey, and their costumes have changed a bit yet again, as Shark now has shark-skin leather sleeves, Fox has a fox-tail attached to the small of his back, and Monkey has… oh, dear lord, he’s cut the cheeks out of his costume and looks like a bad Howard Stern character.

 

SDD: “Well, now we know that guy ain’t no brotha.”

 

JD: “Dear god… I thought this was a family show!”

 

SDD: “It’s the Marion Barry rule. It’s okay as long as you don’t actually see the crack! Ha! *tchk*

 

In what is possibly the most one-sided tag match we’ve seen here in Victorious Kaiju Melee, the Zoo Warriors proceed to totally isolate and dismantle Liver and Onion… mainly due to the twin benefits of 1) being better trained and 2) not having to wear bulky costumes. Several times we get near falls on Onion, only to be broken up by Liver charging in to save the day. Realizing that, while Liver can fit through the ropes quickly, Onion can’t, the Zoo Warriors allow their opponents to make a tag…

 

… and the Celebration of the Lizard begins playing., and the Lizard Empire comes out and begins walking down the ramp.

 

JD: “After their victory last week, folks, you had assume the Zoo Warriors wouldn’t be able to get very far tonight before the Lizard Empire decided to stick their noses into things.”

 

SDD: “Oh, sure, the bad guys get black outfits…”

 

JD: “… that’s the color bugs and scorpions are in real life.”

 

SDD: “Don't bring reality into this…”

 

The Zoo Warriors forget about their opponents and gather in the ring to repel this new threat… when Egg launches himself off the turnbuckle and splashes all three of them.

 

JD: “Poached! The Zoo Warriors just got poached!”

 

SDD: “… was that an Egg joke, or a ‘rare wild animal’ joke?”

 

JD: “To be honest, I’m not sure. Let’s say ‘egg’.”

 

The Lizard Empire charges and pull Fox and Shark out of the ring, leaving Dinner to roll up Monkey… and Monkey’s cheekless pants in the air are something even the cameraman doesn’t want to look at, so we take Big Man’s word for it when he calls for the bell, and awards the match to Dinner.

 

SDD: “The things you people do for entertainment. Bingo, Golf, Curling… this…”

 

JD: “I think this is quite entertaining, personally.”

 

SDD: “I rest my case.”

 

The Lizard Empire continues their beatdown of the Zoo Warriors as Liver and Onion head back up the ramp, celebrating. The camera switches to backstage to show Dinner’s dressing room… the door opens, and Hard Boiled gets thrown out!

 

JD: “What the… more on this when we return, folks!”

 

----------

 

We return to the announce booth looking down on the ring.

 

JD: “Folks, before we left for commercial we saw the half-man, half-machine, half-private investigator, half-egg timer Hard Boiled--”

 

SDD: “That’s a lot of halves. I dated a girl like that once.”

 

JD: “—get thrown out of Dinner’s locker room. We’ve obtained a videotape of what happened to cause that, so let’s take a look.”

 

The tape plays. It’s in black and white, with fake film grain running down the sides. It was a simple little bit of breaking and entering. I wound my timer as I walked up to the locker room door. I knew Liver and Onion were having a match right now, and that it was against the Zoo Warriors, so I wouldn’t have much time. The lock was easy to pick… there wasn’t one. I crept inside, and something seemed wrong. The air was thick, humid and heavy. Hard to breathe. I tried to ignore it and did a quick once-over of Liver and Onion’s lockers. I found my first clue… a peace pipe. I knew it was authentic because it had ‘made in China’ stamped on it. I put it in one of my pockets and knew I was on the right track. Then, a noise made me freeze. I glanced down at my timer… just over a minute to go. A quick wind, quiet as I could, bought me another minute. I crept towards the showers, sticking to the nearly non-existent shadows as I went. If I were discovered here, the consequences could be anything from a beating to a bullet; I wasn’t sure if I wanted to take my chances or not… but I had to know why I heard… giggling?

 

Convinced I had caught an evildoer in the act, I threw open the door to the shower room. Twin high-pitched squeals assaulted my ears, as my eyes drank in the sight of two beautiful women, naked… except for their large, bottle-shaped costumes, one white, the other red. “Who are you dames?” I asked. Their squeals turned to angered shrieks as they charged at me. “Can’t you see we’re Dressing?” They slammed the door closed on me, narrowing avoiding breaking my nose. I chuckled, and turned around… to stare right into the face of God’s angriest, most hung-over piece of putrid poultry. He grabbed me by the shoulder, bawking angrily. I reached up to fight him… and then, the timer went ‘ding’.

 

That damed timer. Bane of my existence, savior of my life. It keeps me going… but sometimes, it keeps me from going. All I could do was watch, frozen, as Bourbon Chicken threw me out of the locker room. “I’ll see you in the ring, you pervert!” he shouted at me before slamming the door. I was battered, beaten, bruised… but I had my clue. And I had a match coming up.

 

I hoped someone would come by and wind my timer before then. I had to pee.

 

SDD: “… the hell? Did we hire some Sam Spade type for the writing team?”

 

JD: “I’m impressed. You know Sam Spade?”

 

SDD: “Yeah. He’s the guy who used to be on Saturday Night Live, right?”

 

The bell rings, and Big Man has the mic. “Radies and Gentlemen, next match is special challenge match scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, he is the private bleep that just won’t queet, Hard Boiled!” Theme from Magnum, P.I. plays, and out comes everyone’s favorite trenchcoated cyborg, winding his timer as he gets in the ring. “And his opponent, representing Dinner… and incredibly cranky… is the cold turkey Bourbon Chicken!” Dinner at Eight plays, and out comes Bourbon Chicken. He does, indeed, seem cranky, as he apparently hasn’t had a drink in two weeks.

 

SDD: “I’ll give ya this much credit. At least the drunken fool isn’t a brotha, drinkin’ malt liquor and pourin’ a forty for his homies.”

 

JD: “Yeah. We tried, but Billy Dee Williams said he had too much respect to work for us.”

 

SDD: “Don’t make me raise my hand to you, Jeff…”

 

We actually get a wrestling match between these two, with Hard Boiled using a ‘power moves’ / ‘roughneck’ type moveset, and Bourbon Chicken, despite his costume, is able to exhibit a more southern-style, strike-and-grapple offense. Hard Boiled looks to have the advantage, stomping a mudhole in Chicken, then pulling him in the center of the ring for a finisher. He heads for the ropes, bounces off… and slows to a crawl. In near-slow-motion, he reaches for his timer… and hi hand freezes an inch away from it as it goes ‘ding’. Chicken slowly gets up, circles his frozen opponent, then picks him up and delivers the Original Recipe Backbreaker for the pinfall.

 

After the match, Big Man goes to wind Hard Boiled’s timer, and the detective sulks in the ring as Chicken celebrates his way up the ramp, pausing to grab a can of beer from someone at ringside… and then throw it down in disgust because it’s empty.

 

SDD: “First, no brothers, and now, the drunken southern boy wins a match? There’s gotta be someone I can report this to. Maybe the NAACP.”

 

JD: “Why would college basketball want to know about us?”

 

SDD: “… oh, lordie…folks, we’ll be right back. I gotta ‘splain a few things to my client here…”

 

-----------

 

We return to the ring, and there’s a giant foam Empire State Building in the center, with Big Man standing next to it. For a change, Big Man seems… depressed and upset. “Next match is… special challenge match. Introducing first, from New York City… Empire State Building.” There’s a round of applause. “And opponent… Comet Man.”

 

St. Judy's Comet plays as Comet Man heads down to the ring. He’s updated his tights with new ‘comet-flame-trail’ designs down the sides. The crowd is booing.

 

JD: “And there’s the supervillain who always comes back...”

 

SDD: “You know, boomerangs were created by the indigenous people of Australia?”

 

JD: “… I did know that, yes… but we’re not talking about boomerangs, we’re talking about Comet Man.”

 

SDD: “That’s my point. You missed a chance to put a brotha in there and have him be Boomerang Man.”

 

JD: “… But he’s a bad guy. People would boo him.”

 

SDD: “See? All your fans are racist!”

 

In the ring, Comet Man circles the Empire State Building, and then backs into a turnbuckle… and charges, spearing the building. The large block of foam sells it beautifully, crumpling to the ground before not moving at all.

 

JD: “Oh, and the Comet Crash. One, two, three, and Comet Man wins another match.”

 

The fans are booing whole-heartedly as Comet Man takes the mic, grinning. “Yes, it is true! I, Comet Man, have defeated one of the world’s most well-known buildings! For when my orbit intersects Earth, nothing can withstand me! Not Peanut, not the Empire State Building… and next week, I shall deliver to you fans, a special treat… I shall compete in a handicap match! Against two opponents! And once more, the Comet shall Triumph!”

 

SDD: “The hell was that *bleep*? You people really find this entertaining?”

 

JD: “Oh, I forgot to mention, here’s your paycheck for the night.”

 

SDD: “… Oh, lordie, the humanity! How can that despicable Comet Man live with himself? Won’t anyone save us from his evil reign of terror???”

 

JD: “Coming up after the break, folks, our main event… Giant Drunken Lemur vs. Tarzan, King of the Jungle in a Deepest, Darkest Africa match. But first, we go backstage to Zenoform Opposition Operation Headquarters for a special announcement.

 

The camera shifts to a locker room that appears to be covered in titanium… or at least, stainless steel. A plasma TV is set up along one wall, and the three ZOO Warriors are standing, facing it. Fox intones, “Activate the computer.” The screen shimmers, and a (poorly) computer-generated face appears there.

 

“Zenoform Opposition Operation Kontrol, Energy, Equipment and Personnel Experience Recorder, online. How may I assist you today, gentlemen?”

 

“Z.O.O.K.E.E.P.E.R, we need you to record this moment for posterity. Last week, in a Match In Space, my fellow ZOO Warriors and I won the right to declare the Number One Contender to Glortu, Lizard King of Space’s Victorious Kaiju Melee World Victory Title.” Fox pauses for breath. “To counter the threat of Glortu’s minions, we have made a joint decision that Glortu will defend his title next week… against myself, Zoo Warrior Fox… in a Reach For The Sky match.”

 

“So it has been recorded, so it shall be remembered. Fight with honor, Zoo Warriors!”

 

SDD: “Yes! Next week, a Reach For The Sky match! This is so exciting, I just can’t wa—hold on, my pager’s going off.”

 

JD: “Your pager?”

 

SDD: “Yeap… aw, what the hell… that paycheck bounced! That’s it, I’m outa here. You call the rest of this show yourself. And find someone else for next week!”

 

JD: “… we’ll be back right after this.”

 

----------------------

 

And we’re back! The camera is focused on Big Man’s face as he announces, “Following match is main event, and is Deepest, Darkest Africa Match!” There’s some minor pyro, and the green ropes that were dangling from the ceiling drop down, becoming vines that are easily reachable from the top rope. Attached to each turnbuckle is a lit tiki torch, and the lights are turned down some. Yes, we know that tiki torches are more of a Pacific Islander thing than an Africa thing. I know it. Jeff knows it. Big Man knows it. The production team and the props team know it. But it was the best we could do when we came up with this concept yesterday afternoon.

 

Tarzan is out first to the sound of jungle drums, a tall, tanned man in a leopard-print loincloth… oh, good, he –is- wearing something under there. Out next is everyone’s favorite Giant Drunken Lemur, drinking from that flask of whiskey the whole way down the aisle. And, to be honest, when I came up with this match, I had this idea of the ultimate high-flying match, with rope-planchas, all kinds of high-flying stuff, and I… can’t write that. Lucky for me, based on the rating for the match, I don’t have to, ‘cause it sucked an egg with neither man really knowing his opponent well enough to have anything even resembling chemistry.

 

Fast-forward a few minutes, and cue the interference, as out comes Bourbon Chicken, who begins struggling with GDL for the flask! Punching back and forth, strangling…

 

JD: “Yes, folks, GDL is indeed choking the chicken.” *pause* “… I’m so lonely in here…”

 

… and finally the flask goes flying into the air and spills its contents all over Bourbon Chicken! GDL, enraged, shoves him… and Bourbon Chicken goes stumbling into one of the turnbuckles! The tiki torch falls on him! Bourbon Chicken goes up in flames! Big Man and Tarzan are calling for help as Bourbon Chicken flails, and we’re out of time! Until next week, remember… You Am VKM!

[UFC-KING]

The Great has Returned once more !

 

Unfortunately I was unable to follow your last one due to getting in late, but I will definitely be reading this

[infinitywpi]

... this -was- my last one... wasn't it?

[UFC-KING]

I mean as in CZCW

[falling_star]

This is the dumbest thing I have ever read.

 

 

And I mean that in a good way.

The Dinner vs. Breakfast tag match on the first show was great. "I know who is gonna' win, the big blobby brown guy and the round white guy. Wake me when the match is over." Priceless.

[infinitywpi]

This is the dumbest thing I have ever read.

And I mean that in a good way.

 

This may be the best compliment I've ever gotten.

 

And now, on with the show....

 

----------------------

 

Jeff Dunham: “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Victorious Kaiju Melee. Last week as we went off the air, a horrific accident occurred at the end of our main event. We realize that some of our fans are sensitive, but that most of you want to know what happened, so… we’re going to play the footage of what happened last night after we went off the air. Be warned, this footage is extremely graphic.”

 

Bourbon Chicken and Giant Drunken Lemur are fighting, and the flask gets spilled all over Chicken. There’s a shove, and Chicken goes stumbling into the turnbuckle, and the tiki torch there falls down onto him, and he goes up in fire. The footage is, in fact, graphic… 8-bit graphic, as amazingly poorly-done ‘flames’ have been added around Bourbon Chicken. If a man wasn’t roasting inside a giant, flaming foam suit, it would be comical. Oh, who’re we kidding, the MTV/Jackass crowd is probably laughing their butts off at this. After a few minutes of Chicken running around on fire, two crewmembers with fire extinguishers run out and douse him, and paramedics strap him to a board and cart him away. And then we go back to the announce booth.

 

JD: “We understand that Bourbon Chicken is in the building tonight, and we will hear from him later. But first, allow me to introduce my broadcast partner for tonight: Achmed, the Dead Terrorist. Welcome, Achmed.”

 

Achmed: “Glad to be here. It certainly took long enough.”

 

JD: “Long enough for what?”

 

A: “To get my virgins. The easiest place to find seventy-two virgins is the audience at a wrestling show.”

 

JD: “Please, don’t insult the fans. Wrestling fans have a habit of getting… rowdy.”

 

A: “Oh, no! They might riot and kill me!…. oh, too late!”

 

JD: “Achmed, I thought we talked about this. You were going to be on your best behavior.”

 

A: “SILENCE! … I KEEL YOU!!!!!”

 

JD: “…”

 

A: “And now that we’ve got my catchphrase out of the way, let’s go to our first match!”

 

“Ladies and gentlemen, following match is for Tag Team Justice! Introducing first, the challengers… The Siamese Cats!” We Are Siamese If You Please plays, and down come two thin guys in cat costumes… and no, the costumes do not appear to be joined in any way, shape, or form. While that would be a funny throw-away gag, we already did something similar with the Comet Man / Peanut match a few weeks ago, and we’re not desperate enough to reuse that joke yet.

 

A: “Says who? This whole thing is more desperate than an inmate at Guantanamo Bay!”

 

JD: “Shhhh! Don’t let him know we can hear him!”

 

Great. Now the commentators are dissing on me, too.

 

“And their opponents, representing Breakfast and accompanied by Milk, they are the holders of Tag Team Justice, Steak and Egg!” Breakfast at Tiffanys plays, and down come out champs, accompanied by an apparently lovely young lady who appears to be wearing a milk bottle. I say apparently, because all we can see of her is her face and legs.

 

JD: “Hey, Achmed… got Milk?”

 

A: “Of course, my friend! We used to date, her an I.”

 

JD: “Really? What attracted you to her?”

 

A: “Milk is good for your bones, and I’m … well, bones.”

 

The bell rings, and the match is on. Milk spends some time looking paranoid, waiting for someone to come attack her, while inside the ring… it’s actually surprisingly watchable. The Cats have much sleeker outfits than the champions, letting them move faster and perform their high-flying moves; but eventually, they fall to the power game as Steak sends them both to the turnbuckle and then whips Egg into them, then splashes one for the win.

 

And afterwards, Egg points at Big Man and asks for a mic. “Now, I know we at Breakfast have our own locker room… but that doesn’t mean we don’t hear things in the back. There’s a lot of rumors going around, a lot of accusations flying about. There’s a number of people in the back who seem to think that I, Egg, am a traitor. People talking about how I finally cracked… about how I’m a bad egg… heck, I’ve even heard a few ‘Eggs Benedict Arnold’ jokes. And that hurts, y’know? So, I think I have a way to prove I’m not a traitor. I think Dinner is just playing mind games with us. So… Chief Running Gag… Hard Boiled… I would like to extend an invitation for the two of you to join Steak and Myself, and we’ll have a big four-on-four match against Dinner next week. And when we win, they’ll have to tell us everything they know about this so-called ‘traitor’ in our midst.”

 

A: “This plan reminds of something we tried in Iraq once. The Army was trying to get us all into one place so they could shoot us.”

 

JD: “And what did you do?”

 

A: “We blew ourselves up! They couldn’t shoot us if we were already dead, so it ruined their plan! We won!”

 

JD: “…”

 

A: “…”

 

JD: “But didn’t you die?”

 

A: “SILENCE! …. I KEEL YOU! … Right after this!”

 

-------------------

 

I Like To Move It begins playing, and out comes a dancing GDL as Big Man makes the introductions. “Ladies and gentlemen, following match scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, from Madagascar… Giant Drunken Lemur! And his opponent, from South Of The Border… Grapes of Wrath!”

 

Out comes the man in the Fruit-Of-The-Loom grape-bunch costume, still without any entry music (Hey, we’ve got to control licensing costs somehow… you know how much that Siamese Cats song cost to license from Disney?). The match goes a good… three minutes? … before GDL goes to take a drink from his flask, and finds it empty. Growing angry with rage, GDL begins… fondly Grapes of Wrath’s… well, grapes, and tries squeezing juice out of them.

 

JD: “GDL desperate for a boost here, obviously looking to find some fermented grape juice, some kind of vino, if you will…”

 

A: “No, I will not! Fermented grape juice, my boney behind, he looks like he’s molesting that poor man! And I know something about that, I was at Abu Gharib.”

 

JD: “… oh, we’re going to get complaints on this show, that’s for sure.”

 

A: “What, like Republicans watch this crap anyway?”

 

As Grapes of Wrath tries to get away, GDL presses the advantage… when out comes a charred Bourbon Chicken, attacking GDL from behind! The bell rings, Big Man calling for the disqualification, as Chicken puts the boots to a totally surprised GDL, kicking him right out of the ring! And yes, he has a mic! “Hello, y’all!”

 

A: “… I think I know that accent… sounds a little like that creepy little white guy…”

 

JD: “David Spade?”

 

A: “No, Michael Jackson.”

 

Chicken continues. “As y’all know, I was in a horrible accident last week. It appears my sinful ways finally caught up with me, and in the end I was lucky to survive. It has made me realize quite a few things about myself and my life. So, I’d like to announce that I am no longer a part of Dinner… I’ve joined a new group, I think y’all know it, it’s called Alcoholics Anonymous. The man you knew as Bourbon Chicken is gone, folks… long gone. From now on, I’m going to be true to myself. Y’all can call me… Chicken Flambe, and I am the hottest *bleep* on the walk!” Chicken strikes a flamboyant post. “I have to thank you, GDL, for opening my eyes to who I really am. Now, I want to return the favor. Next week, you and me, one on one. We’ll go at it all night if we need to, but in the end… you’re lying down for me.”

 

GDL backs up the ramp slowly, clutching his empty flask to his chest, obviously really creeped out by this. Chicken dances in the ring as Disco Inferno plays.

 

JD: “Now I’ve seen everything. I think we just had a chicken come out of the closet here on VKM.”

 

A: “Out of the closet? No. He’s just metrosexual.”

 

JD: “With those dance moves?”

 

A: “… This is where you expect me to make some sort of gay-bashing joke, isn’t it? Hate to disappoint you, but I’m just a terrorist… I’m not that evil.”

 

We cut to backstage, where Hard Boiled and Chief Running Gag are sitting, talking. “I don’t know, Chief,” Hard Boiled says, “All the evidence points to the traitor being real… but all the evidence is circumstantial at best. Do we want to take this risk?”

 

“The wise me of my tribe have a saying. It is only through risk that we achieve rewards.”

 

“That’s very wise. Which ancestor said that?”

 

“Chief Giant Jackpot, the first of my ancestors to open a casino.”

 

“Well, Steak and Egg want an answer by the end of the show… do we accept, or no--?”

 

“… Dangit, kemosabe, your timer ran out again. Here, let me get tha—“

 

From behind, a steel chair slams on Chief Running Gag’s head, knocking him to the ground. The attacker flees; the cameraman sees nothing as he immediately focuses on the downed Chief. A few moments later, the door opens and Steak and Egg come in. They see the two, down and/or frozen, and swear. “Not again! This has got to stop…”

 

---------------------------

 

JD: “Welcome back to Victorious Kaiju Melee, folks. After what happened before we went to commercial, medics have taken chief Running Gag to a medical facility, but before they did, the Chief was able to accept Breakfast’s invitation to team up against Dinner in next week’s Main Event.”

 

A: “So the main event is an Indian, a egg-timer, an egg, and a steak against an onion, an internal organ, and two people we don’t even know?”

 

JD: “… that’s correct.”

 

A: “And people wonder why some of us hate this country.”

 

JD: “Don’t blame us, this is all Japanese-influenced.”

 

A: “Yeah, but it’s a lot harder for us to blend into a crowd in Japan, so we don’t go there often. We’ll just blame you instead.”

 

The camera goes static-y, and then cuts to… the parking lot outside? There’s a moment of confusion from the crowd and from our announce team, and then Comet Man jumps into the shot. “Hello, folks! Comet Man here, back again to teach you yet another lesson in why I’m the greatest villain in VKM history! Last week, I destroyed the Empire State Building, and then I promised you a special handicap match tonight… well, it’s going to be a handicapped Parking Lot Brawl!”

 

JD: “What on earth could comet Man do to make himself seem even more despicable? Beat up on blind orphans, or crippled old ladies in wheelchairs?”

 

A: “Or beat up on crippled old ladies in wheelchairs with a blind orphan? If you hold them by the ankles, you get a really good swing with them.”

 

JD: “That’s horrible.”

 

The camera follows Comet Man as he walks over to a curtain being held up between two parked cars. “Tonight, kiddies, I present to you my most despicable act of villainy ever! Tonight, I shall destroy…” The curtain comes down, and the boos can almost be heard outside the building, “The World Trade Center!” Sure enough, foam replicas of the World Trade Towers stand between the two cars.

 

JD: “That’s enough. Cut the feed. Someone find where this is coming from and cut the feed.”

 

A: “Hey! That’s no fair! We thought of that first! Go get your own evil ideas!”

 

As Jeff rants about how horrible this is, Comet Man proceeds to demolish the buildings, including punches with his Flaming Fists right to the spots the plans hit, tearing out chunks of foam, laughing the whole time. Just as he’s knocking the towers over, out from the building comes… The Kosher Kreature! With The Rabbi shouting him onwards, the Golem of Good charges towards Comet Man, who yelps and runs off through the parking lot. With great reverence, The Rabbi and The Kosher Kreature pick up the pieces of the World Trade towers and put them back together, then carry them inside, and the feed finally cuts to a Technical Difficulties sign, and then to commercials.

 

--------------------------

 

A: “… do I have to read this?”

 

JD: “If we want to keep our jobs, yes.”

 

A: “Oh, all right. ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, Victorious Kaiju Melee would like to apologize for anyone offended by the previous segment, and restate our commitment to honoring those lost in the 9/11 tragedy.”

 

JD: “Thank you. Hopefully we won’t get sued now.”

 

A: “Hrm. So that’s how it feels to be forced to read a statement. I get why people don’t like doing that now.”

 

JD: “You made people read statements?”

 

A: “Well, once. I made someone break up with his girlfriend. She totally deserved it though.”

 

JD: “This… is somehow not as funny as it usually is.”

 

A: “Well, Peanut is back next week, I’m sure he’ll be funnier.”

 

We go back to the ring, where several foam buildings – none of them replicas of famous landmarks – surround the ring and lie against all four turnbuckles. The VKM World Victory Title is hanging above the ring. Big Man, sweating, has the mic. “Ladies and Gentlemen, following match is main event, and is Reach For The Sky match for Victorious Kaiju Melee World Victory Title! During match, if any interference, title will be awarded to man who had nothing to do with interference! Otherwise, only way to win title is to climb buildings and remove title from rope hanging above ring!”

 

JD: “I believe that’s the longest match introduction we’ve had here in VKM.”

 

A: “Zzzz… huh? Oh, sorry. I haven’t fallen asleep like that since I had tickets to see an Osama taping… oooo, he didn’t like that…”

 

“Introducing first, challenger, from undisclosed location and representing the ZOO Warriors, he is Zoo Warrior Fox!” The Final Countdown plays, and Zoo Warrior Fox comes down to the ring, confident despite the lack of his teammates. He begins looking at the buildings available, deciding which ones will be strong enough and tall enough to climb up.

 

“And champion, from depths of space, Glortu, The Lizard King!” Celebration of the Lizard plays, and down comes Glortu, menacing the children in attendance as he heads to the ring.

 

Once both men are ready, Big Man calls for the bell and scurries out of the ring. As usual for these two, we get an actual wrestling match; in this case, mixed with a puzzle game as both men try to find a combination of buildings that will let them reach for the sky… erm, title. This also leads to several new and interesting variations on standard ladder-match spots, as the buildings can be stacked to different heights and in different positions, and tumble apart when kicked, speared, or otherwise attacked.

 

JD: “Zoo Warrior Fox now, building what appears to be a spiral staircase to the title.”

 

A: “When he gets there, he knows, if the stores are all closed, with a word he can get what he came for.”

 

JD: “… did you just quote Stairway to Heaven?”

 

A: “What, just because I am not American means I cannot know the classics?”

 

JD: “No, it’s just a little high-brow for our usual audience.”

 

In the ring, Glortu takes a running drop kick at the staircase, and the foam buildings (and Fox) come tumbling down.

 

A: “Oooooo! Shorty got low!”

 

JD: “… now that’s more like our usual audience.”

 

Glortu sets up a square of foam in the middle of the ring, but it’s too tall to climb onto… what’s he got planned? He heads for the turnbuckle, stopping to kick Fox while he’s down, and climbs… then jumps to the block in the middle of the ring! He’s almost got his hands on the title… and the block can’t hold his weight anymore and tears apart, dropping Glortu to the mat!

 

JD: “Glortu clutching his knee and grimacing now, he may have hurt himself on that one folks.”

 

A: “Jeff, I have a question. Who the heck makes foam blocks this big, anyway?”

 

JD: “Well, there must be a market for them somewhere. As long as someone’s willing to buy it, someone’ll make it. That’s the American way.”

 

A: “That’s why your economy is failing. Some people are willing to spend money on giant foam blocks that look like buildings.”

 

JD: “They’re also willing to pay you to fill in.”

 

A: “Yeah, right. I heard about Sweet Daddy D’s paycheck.”

 

More wrestling follows, ending with a swank spinning powerbomb putting Glortu dead-center of the mat. Fox begins to pile buildings on top of Glortu in a mish-moshed heap, and begins climbing up. Glortu can’t even be seen, the foam must be too much for him, and fox is to the top, and Zoo Warrior Fox has regained the World Victory Title! As Fox celebrates, Glortu crawls out from under the ‘wreckage’ to see that he has lost his title, and he howls and charges Fox… who sidesteps, and Glortu goes through the ropes to the outside, and scurries away in shame!

 

JD: “And we have a new champion, folks! World Victory is in the hands of the good guys once again! Be sure to join us next week, when we get an epic clash between Breakfast and their allies against Dinner, GDL will meet Chicken Flambe in that very ring, and we’ve just been told that the match has been signed: Next week, justice will be done as Comet Man must face The Kosher Kreature! See you next week, and remember: You Am VKM!”

[infinitywpi]

A single spotlight shines on the ring as Big Man slowly raises a mic to his lips. “Radies and Gentlemen, prease give a warm Victorious Kaiju Meree welcome, due to his return to the announce booth… Peanut!”

 

Jeff Dunham: “That’s right folks, You Am VKM, and with me here in the announce booth, recovered from his attack at the hands of Comet Man is my long-time traveling companion, Peanut.”

 

Peanut: “Thank you, thankyouthankyew! It’s good to be back here in… wherever the hell we tape this thing. I’m sure we’ve got an awesome show for you tonight. Or not.”

 

JD: “We certainly do. Tonight, we have Comet Man getting his just deserts as he faces The Kosher Kreature; Giant Drunken Lemur takes on the flamboyant Chicken Flambe; and a message Breakfast vs. Dinner war in the main event! But first, let’s get things started with our first match!”

 

In the ring, the lights are back up, and Big Man seems unusually happy. “Following match scheduled for one fall, and is to determine Official Sponsor Of VKM!”

 

JD: “That’s right folks, we had not one, but two companies want to sponsor our program, so we’re doing the only thing that made sense – have them both send a mascot to compete for the right to sponsor us!”

 

P: “… That made sense? What, was ‘taking the better offer’ too risky?”

 

“Introducing first, weighing in at two hundred thirty-four pounds, representing Burger King… The Burger King!” Royal music begins playing, and out comes everyone’s favorite creepy-headed star of not one, not two, but three video games (each of which, I should point out, is well worth the four bucks they charged for them… even if you only play them for an hour each, that’s still more entertainment-per-dollar than most movie tickets), The Burger King. He attempts to slap hands with fans on the way to the ring, but the fans are too creeped out to touch him. When he reaches the ring, the Burger King reveals a small silver tray from behind his back and presents a Whopper to Big Man.

 

P: “Is he trying to bribe the ref? I’m surprised we haven’t seen that here before.”

 

“And his opponent,” The lights go dim, almost completely dark, “Weighing in at three hundred fifty pounds…” Evil, foreboding music begins to play, the fans a-twitter at who it might be… “Representing McDonalds… he is The Grimace!” Out comes the walking purple gumdrop himself, and he’s wearing a wrestling singlet… and has scar tissue on his forehead?

 

JD: “… but… but the Grimace is a happy, fun-loving guy!”

 

P: “Jeff, Jeff, Jeff… you poor, deluded bastard… don’t you know? Nothing can kill the Grimace.”

 

The Burger King is taken slightly aback, backed into a turnbuckle as The Grimace enters the ring. Big Man calls for the bell, and the two fast-food titans collide, struggling to lock in a hold.

 

P: “You know, some day, fans will look back on this moment and say, ‘’I remember before VKM sold out and got all commercial.’’ And I’ll tell them, “To be honest, not much changed.”

 

The Grimace locks the King into a hammerlock, putting pressure on the wrist, but the King retaliated with a massive backwards headbutt that catches The Grimace in the eye. The hold is released as the purple one stumbles about, and The Burger King reveals that he’s packing a secret weapon – he’s got an Angry Whopper in his tights! Grimace recovers just in time to get a face-full of the spicy burger!

 

JD: “All those jalapenos and spicy sauce… The Grimace’s eyes must be burning right now! That burger is a lethal weapon… but, I should point out, tastes great.”

 

P: “Less filling! Wait, wrong sponsorship argument…”

 

The King is punishing The Grimace now with repeated right hands to the face and body, finishing with a leg takedown. He covers for the pinfall, one, two, and The Grimace kicks out! The two get up and proceed to botch a simple Irish whip reversal, leaving The Burger King on the mat, struggling to keep his head from falling off.

 

P: “The sad thing is, this match’ll get great ratings simply because of the popularity levels of the two workers, even if their skills suck. Maybe it should have been our main event.”

 

JD: “What are you talking about?”

 

P: “Oh, just meta-gaming the show. You can ignore me.”

 

The Grimace lays the boots into the King, but the King is able to roll out of the ring to safety and adjust his head. Big Man forces The Grimace away to give King a chance to get back in the ring, and then Grimace charges, a giant purple spear driving the King into the turnbuckle. After that, it’s academic as The Grimace grabs his opponent and lifts him into position for a piledriver.

 

JD: “Here it comes… Big Mac Attack! It’s all over folks, there’s the three-count, and McDonalds is our new official sponsor! And I, for one, am loving it! We’ll be back, right after this!”

 

---------

 

Backstage, Chief Running Gag, Hard Boiled, and Steak have Egg backed up against a wall. “Look, I swear to you guys… I’m not the traitor! Yes, my parents are chickens, they’re part of Dinner… but I’m not! I’m Breakfast, through and through! I mean… hell, look at our sponsor! What’s on nearly every single thing on their delicious breakfast menu? Egg! What’s not on anything on their dinner menu? Egg! Why would I try to join Dinner when I don’t belong there?”

 

The argument seems to sway the others, who back off. “Sorry, pal,” Steak says, “But we had to be sure. Something’s not right around here, and we all have a bad feeling about this.” Hard Boiled takes a moment to wind up his chest-mounted egg timer. “All the signs point to you, Sheldon. But you’re right… there’s no motive. That we know about.” Chief Running Gag nods quietly. “Then we shall all find out tonight… when we beat the truth out of Dinner. Working together… as a team. Right?” Egg and Hard Boiled exchange hard glances, then nod. “Right.”

 

P: “Are we still on this plotline? I figured we’d have this all wrapped up by the time I got back.”

 

JD: “A lot happened while you were gone, including some bad food-related puns and narration, but no, we’re no closer to finding out who the Breakfast Traitor is. But we should find out after our main event, because if Breakfast wins, then Dinner has to reveal who the traitor is.”

 

P: “But first, it’s time for some well-deserved justice!”

 

Big Man is smiling as he announces this next match. “Following match, scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, from Depths of Space… Comet Man!” Comet Man enters to a chorus of boos so loud, they drown out his entry music. Yeah, it’s the boos. Has nothing to do with my being too lazy to go back and copy-and-paste whatever it is. Comet is wearing his boxing-glove-sized Flaming Fists tonight, and is acting very spiteful of the crowd. “And his opponent, accompanied by The Rabbi… he is the Kosher Kreature!”

 

Hava Negila plays to loud cheers as the big, rocky monster lumbers out from backstage, guided by everyone’s favorite Hassidic Rabbi. Who, for this occasion, is wearing an ‘I (heart) NY’ patch on his back.

 

JD: “This, of course, is an emotionally-charged rematch from our very first match here at Victorious Kaiju Melee, where the golem of Good pretty much squashed Comet Man with little or no resistance. But Comet Man was not wearing his Flaming Fists (available at YouAmVKM.com) that night – they may play into the match here.”

 

The bell rings, the match begins, both sides circling each other. Comet Man takes advantage of his natural speed and delivers a few blows to the Kreature’s side, and they’re definitely having more effect than last time, staggering the Stony One. The Rabbi is yelling directions to The Kreature, but Comet Man ducks under a clothesline and continues to whittle away at his opponent.

P: “Y’know, The Kreature would do much better if he didn’t have someone trying to tell him what to do, controlling his movements all the time.”

 

JD: “I look at it as, the Kreature would be next to useless without The Rabbi there to give him some direction, someone to play off of.”

 

P: “Yeah, you would.”

 

The crowd is heavily hating on Comet Man as he trips the Kreature to the canvas. The Rabbi jumps up on the apron, furious, and Big Man has to restrain him from getting into the ring, letting Comet Man belt out a few lines of “I Hate New York” as he rains blows down The Kreature. Big Man finally realizes what’s going on and warns Comet Man to back off. As the Kreature sits up, Comet Man charges and launches into a dropkick – and Kreature grabs his feet! Kreature pulling Comet Man over to him now, yanking down Comet Man’s tights and delivering a spanking!

 

P: “… oddly enough, I think there’s a website based on this sort of thing out there somewhere.”

 

JD: “If there isn’t, there will be shortly.”

 

P: “So we just Rule 34’d homosexual Kaiju spanking websites. That’s something to put on our resume, right there. Right next to Multiple-Time Ventriloquist of the Year.”

 

Kreature is up, and one Backbreaker later, Comet Man is on the mat, trying to pull his tights up but failing due to the large fist-gloves on his hands. The Rabbi is calling for something in Yiddish, and The Kreature is standing menacingly over Comet Man.

 

JD: “The Bris! The Rabbi is calling for The Bris!”

 

Comet Man’s eyes bug out as Kosher Kreature begins to drop a rocky elbow, and the supervillain slides away out of the ring, running as fast as he can! The Kreature growls, denied justice, but The Rabbi raises his hand in victory anyway as Big Man declares him the winner via countout, and we go to commercial.

 

------------

 

P: “Y’know, I’m kinda happy Comet Man didn’t get Bris’d.”

 

JD: “Why’s that?”

 

P: “It means we can look forward to it happening again later. Maybe with something more painful.”

 

JD: “You are a sick little Woozle, you know that?”

 

P: “Yes. Yes, I am. After all, I’m still doing this job, so I must be sick…”

 

We go backstage, to the Lizard Empire’s locker room. Scorpionoid the Stinger and Arachnos the Spider are both down on one knee, kneeling to the might of Glortu, Lizard King of Space. “For so long,” Glortu intones, “We have been focused on one thing – control of Victorious Kaiju Melee. Thanks to those dratted Z.O.O. Warriors, those plans, though perfect, have been foiled. So, we shall do what we always do… take advantage of schemes already set in motion. The Lizard Empire shall rise again, and it shall not be just the World Victory Title that shall be ours, but all of VKM! Muah-ha-ha! This plan is perfect!

 

JD: “Well, that was ominous.”

 

P: “… it’ll sleep with anything?”

 

JD: “… No… no, that’s omnisexual. Speaking of omnisexual, here comes Chicken Flambe!”

 

P: “Oh, good. We’ve made fun of Jews, Arabs, Asians, New Yorkers, Blacks, Southerners, Alcoholics, Indians, and victims of child abuse… I bet the BiLaGa folks were starting to feel left out.”

 

JD: “Come on, Peanut. We’re not trying to insult people.”

 

P: “Well, it sure comes off that way sometimes.”

 

JD: “Just because a guy in a chicken costume gets set on fire and now calls himself Chicken Flambe and speaks with a lisp doesn’t… … okay, I can see your point.”

 

Sure enough, Chicken Flambe has come down to the ring while our announcers bicker over political correctness. “Hey, y’all,” he lisps, “So glad to be back! It’s me, Chicken Flambe, the hottest thing on two legs. Big Man, you’re looking good… have you been working out? I just love the way the sweat glistens on that big, bald head of yours… mmmm…. Oh, and before my opponent comes out here to roll around on the mat with me, I just want to remind y’all that this show is brought to you by McDonalds. McDonalds, where if you want to eat a chicken’s nuggets, you can have all you want! But if you want to share mine, you’ll have to ask nicely.”

 

P: “Did they know what they were getting into when they sponsored this show?”

 

I Like To Move It, Move It hits the speakers, and out comes everyone’s favorite upper-midcarder, Giant Drunken Lemur. GDL, as usual, has his flask of booze handing by a cord around his neck, and is advancing slowly towards the ring, unsure of how to handle this change in his rival’s demeanor.

 

JD: “GDL and Chicken Flambe, of course, have a long rivalry dating back to when Flambe was known as Bourbon Chicken.”

 

P: “Dude, that was, what, two weeks ago? They remember.”

 

JD: “I’m recapping for our newer viewers.”

 

P: “… we don’t –have- newer viewers. Haven’t you seen our ratings? They’re so low, being in the toilet would be an upgrade.”

 

JD: “Don’t distract me, the match is starti – oh, that’s not right.”

 

P: “Who knew that grinding your hips could get you out of a hammerlock?”

 

JD: “Certainly an unorthodox defense by Chicken Flambe, and it seems to be working to keep GDL at arm’s length.”

 

Sure enough, GDL seems to be resorting to strikes and keeping Flambe at a distance, while Flambe is constantly trying to close the gap and grapple with his opponent. This gives Flambe an advantage, and GDL is unable to capitalize on several of the openings he’s presented with, but make no mistake; fighting a match like this is hard on both men, as in-between spurts of activity, there’s a long, involved feeling-out process to as both competitors try to determine how much each other can take and how fast they can go before collapsing from exhaustion.

 

P: “Will you stop that? You’re doing that on purpose.”

 

Sorry.

 

The match ends when GDL misses a stunner-like attempt, only to be caught in Chicken Flambe’s dreaded new finisher, the Liplock. GDL taps out quickly, leaving Flambe pouting as he’s declared the winner. GDL watches his opponent cautiously, then downs his entire flask of booze, and applies the Liplock to Flambe! After a few moments, Flambe falls to the mat, passed out, and GDL does a DX-style crotch chop in his direction before leaving the ring.

 

JD: “I think you can call Chicken Flambe the winner of that match in more ways that one. Coming up is our main event! We’ve just had love, now it’s time for war! Breakfast vs. Dinner, next!”

 

------------

 

“Ladies and gentlemen, following match is Main Event! Introducing first… accompanied by Dressing… Liver… Onion… Potato… and Meatloaf! They are… Dinner!” Dinner At Eight plays, and out comes a half-dozen individuals. Onion and Liver we recognize right off the bat. Meatloaf and Potato appear to be identical to Liver and Onion; a brown blobby thing and a white, round thing. The other two are girls in plastic bottles, the Dressing twins that we saw in Dinner’s dressing room on an earlier show.

 

JD: “Dinner is certainly out in force tonight, Peanut. We’d better hope that Breakfast brings backup.”

 

P: “I hate it when my breakfast comes back up. And now that we’ve got the juvenile bodily-function humor out of the way, are you crazy? They have a traitor, they don’t know who the traitor is, the smart thing to do is to bring as few people as they can – if they bring everyone, then they know the traitor’s there. If they bring only people they can trust, then they’re safe.”

 

JD: “True, but when has common sense ever played into this show?”

 

P: “Or wrestling in general, to be honest?”

 

“And their opponents… introducing first, from Hollywood… half-man, half-machine, half-detective, half-egg-timer, Hard Boiled! … From the Mohegan Sun Casino, weighing in at two hundred and thirty pounds, Chief Running Gag! … and representing Breakfast, accompanied by Milk and Toast, they are the holders of Victorious Kaiju Melee Tag Team Justice… Steak and Egg!”

 

Our heroes gather at ringside, their numbers equal to their opponents. Staredowns commence between the eight men in the ring, as well as the four girls outside the ring. And we get… as close to an actual wrestling match as we can get with these costumes on. Hey, our main events at least try to keep the illusion of real wrestling. The eight-man format allows us to rotate between people without anyone getting too run-down, and the four girls at ringside provide plenty of distractions for the wrestlers, ref, and cameramen.

 

JD: “Something’s not quite right here.”

 

P: “Yeah… Chief Running Gag hasn’t been tagged in yet.”

 

…

 

P: “Aw, crap.”

 

The girls outside have fallen into a catfight, with Potato and Hard Boiled trying to separate them. In the ring, Meatloaf is in trouble as Egg beats him down, and we pause for a moment to try and recall if we’ve ever made an ‘egg beater’ joke. I don’t think so. Now Steak and Liver are off the apron, bringing chairs into the ugly mess at ringside, Potato and Hard Boiled trying to defend themselves, not sure which blobby brown thing is on their respective side and which isn’t. Yes, we’re using the Overbook road agent note here. The camera swings back to the ring as Egg takes a moment to knock Onion off the apron, then splashes Meatloaf. There’s a series of chair-clangs at ringside, and the crowd is vocal about what happened off-camera, Egg tags in Chief Running Gag, and the Chief steps into the ring for the first time in Victorious Kaiju Melee…

 

… and is hit from behind with a steel chair. Egg’s eyes go wide as he sees who hit him… it’s… Toast? Another chairshot, and Egg goes down! The camera pans down to show Milk, Steak, and Hard Boiled already laid out on the floor! Big Man is calling for the bell as Toast, with a strength not expected in someone with her frame, rolls Egg out of the ring.

 

JD: “I have to admit, I did not see that coming.”

 

P: “That… oh, come on, she wasn’t even introduced when this whole thing started! I’m calling Rikishi on this whole thing!”

 

JD: “… Rikishi?”

 

P: “Yeah. It means bull **** in Samoan.”

 

In the ring, Dinenr has taken the mic away from Big Man and handed it over to Toast. “I know what you’re thinking. Why? Why would a good ol’ girl like me betray my friends like this? It’s simple, really… my new friends here in Dinner opened my eyes to what was going on in the world. Restaurants offering toasted subs, toasted flatbread sandwitches, hell, when was the last time you went to have some Bar-B-Que and not get a piece of toast with your ribs? So I’ve decided… just as Steak left Dinner to become part of Breakfast, I am leaving Breakfast to take my rightful place with Dinner. From now on, y’all can call me Texas Toast! And I’m so easy, anybody can heat me up!”

 

P: “… I… wow. It’s hard to be surreally snarky about a line that’s so blatant. I think the writers are trying to render me speechless.”

 

JD: “It’s not working. Well, folks, we’re out of time! Join us again next week, where Breakfast will have to deal with this betrayal, and Zoo Warrior Fox will speak for the first time since regaining the World Victory Title. Until then, remember, You Am VKM!”

 

-------------

 

Okay, folks, here’s where I need some help. I’ve got a rough outline for the next few shows… very rough. I honestly wasn’t expecting to get this far before burning out, but figured I needed to at least wrap up the Breakfast Traitor bit. So… I need responses. I need you to tell me what you like, what you don’t’ like. ‘cause I know some bits need changing and tweaking, I’m just not sure what and in what direction. So… tell me what you’d like to see changed, and I’ll see what I can do. More of a character? Less of a character? Hate the announcers? More comedy? More realism? Give up and let it die while it doesn’t suck (too late)?

[infinitywpi]

Nearly a week, and no responses?

 

Victorious Kaiju Melee has been cancelled due to low ratings.

[Ockbald]

Let me give you some feedback.

 

This is really, REALLY fun to read. I enjoyed.

 

But I think it is lackig in the "simulation" aspect. I mean, it woul be fun if you added segments and match ratings and also told how the world of wrestling is reacting to VKM.

 

Please don't just give up! I feel that if you actually do this like a regular diary with a twist instead of straight up fan fiction this would be just awesome.