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(C-Verse UK) Parental Advisory Wrestling: Viewer Discretion is Disregarded

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Nevermore Newbie

Nevermore

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Meeting the greatest man alive...

 

http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/CharliePag2.jpg

 

I sat alone with a bottle of scotch in front of the latest episode of 21CW's "Best of British Wrestling"

 

Pag: Sellout! Another sellout! Oh, and another one... YOU BASTARDS!

 

A knock came on the thin semi-detached wall.

 

Pag: Sod off Mrs Anderson! I'm making less noise than your husband did with his secretary on Saturday!

 

The knocking stopped.

 

Pag: Oooh, hit a nerve did I? Then stop hitting my bloody wall!

 

I suddenly recoiled in my seat.

 

Pag: AAAAH! ANTICHRIST! DIE! DIE! HOLY WATER! HOLY WATER!

 

In retrospect, I admit that throwing scotch at the TV screen was not the most rational response to Jeff Nova's entrance.

 

Pag: There are demons in the TV! Strange little sports entertainment demons! You hear that Mrs. Anderson... Jeff Nova! He's coming for your children!

 

The phone rang... I almost fell off the sofa in surprise. I cautiously picked up the receiver.

 

Pag: I'M SORRY WARRIOR! I'M SORRY I DIDN'T REALISE THEY WERE TAKING US DOWN FROM THE INSIDE! TAKE ME BACK! PLEASE! I'LL DO ANYTHING!

 

Voice: What are you talking about?

 

Pag: You're not Warrior!

 

Voice: Yeah... thanks for that. I haven't had man boobs since sixth form and I plan to keep it that way.

 

Pag: Then, Warrior hasn't forgiven me?

 

Hearing a noise, I turned around.

 

http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/DuntonHall.jpg

 

The strange old man threw a glass of water over me.

 

Man: Pull yourself together!

 

He closed his cellphone and put it in his pocket.

 

Pag: It was you on the phone.

 

Man: You don't say.

 

Pag: Wait... how did you get in my house?! This is trespassing.

 

Man: Only cretins trespass. Real men break and enter.

 

Pag: And that's supposed to appease me?

 

Man: I don't really care but do me a favour... don't get quite so irate. Your cheeks go all puffy and you look like Vanessa Feltz.

 

Pag: Hey! Insensitive references to Vanessa Feltz is my gig.

 

Man: Firstly, don't say "gig"; you sound like a commoner. Secondly, I beg to differ.

 

He pulled a book from his pocket bearing the words "1001 Insensitive Vanessa Feltz References by Dunton Hall"

 

Pag: You're Dunton Hall!

 

Hall: Whatever gave you that idea?

 

Pag: Well...

 

Hall: Don't answer that. Fancy a drink?

 

Pag: Well, I only have this bottle and it's pretty much empty.

 

Hall: Never mind. It was filth anyway.

 

The UK's most brilliant man pulled a a bottle of Dalwhinnie and two crystal glasses from another pocket.

 

Pag: Nice! Anyway, why are you writing about that fat old bird?

 

Hall: Insensitive reference number 347, page 168, paragraph three.

 

I stared blankly.

 

Hall: Just a compulsion. My girlfriend thinks it's endearing.

 

Pag: Really? Which girlfriend?

 

Hall: Haha, very witty. But, seriously, I will kick your teeth in.

 

Pag: Fair enough.

 

Hall: But that book was just some comedic relief. I'm back to critical work now.

 

Pag: Anything interesting?

 

Hall: I call it "Brideshread Revisited: Revisited".

 

Pag: Wow... er... catchy.

 

Hall: I've warned you.

 

Pag: You have... I apologise.

 

Hall: Now... fancy running another wrestling promotion.

 

Surprised, I spat my scotch right in his face.

 

Hall: Wipe it off.

 

Pag: Excuse me?

 

Hall: Here's a tissue. Now, wipe it off.

 

Pag: Yes sir.

 

I mopped the scotch from his brow.

 

Hall: Now ring it back into the glass.

 

Pag: What?

 

Hall: It's 120 year old scotch... RING IT IN THE SODDING GLASS!

 

Pag: Fine... fine.

 

Hall: There's a gap in the UK market for a comedic promotion and you had some fairly funny stuff going on up North.

 

Pag: Thank you.

 

Hall: Don't get me wrong... my two year old niece could do better but she's not in the wrestling business.

 

I quipped back sracastically.

 

Pag: Really? What's her job.

 

Hall: Astro-physycist.

 

My mouth fell open.

 

Hall: So, don't be such a smart arse. Now, the thing was, you tried to appeal too much to "smart marks"... marks aren't smart. And that whole 21st Century Alliance angle...

 

Pag: Brilliant wasn't it?

 

Hall: Awful. Pull that sort of crap and I'll drop you quicker than the BBC dropped Russel Brand... and, before you ask... yes, I have shagged Andrew Sachs' granddaughter. Now, get yourfself cleaned up. You smell like a drunken pig with a faulty colon. We'll discuss this further in my office.

 

Pag: 'Kay... just one question.

 

Hall: Make it quick, I've already kept the queen waiting half an hour.

 

Pag: Why didn't you just ask me over the phone?

 

Hall: Because this is all just a dream.

 

Pag: Damn... really?

 

Hall: No you pillock! Because only crap diaries start with a mystery phone call.

 

Pag: Fair enough.

 

Hall: Oh, and...

 

He floored me with a surprisingly hefty punch.

 

Hall: That's for the girlfriends jibe.

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Nevermore Newbie

Nevermore

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(A) Meeting (with) the greatest man alive...

 

http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/CharliePag2.jpghttp://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/DuntonHall.jpg

 

Pag: So, how's this gonna work.

 

...I said, still clutching my swollen face.

 

Hall: Comedy.

 

Pag: Yeah, got that.

 

Hall: Hardcore... seeing as that seems to be your forte.

 

Pag: Excellent.

 

Hall: ...and some good old pushpin to sweeten the deal.

 

Pag: Come again.

 

Hall: Breasts and buttocks, lad. Keep up.

 

Pag: That I can handle. But why are you choosing to finance a fringe wrestling outfit?

 

Hall: As I said... gap in the market. Men of Steel Prostates are gonna be out of business within a few months thanks to your running them into the ground.

 

Pag: Hang on...

 

Hall: I'm kidding. I'm sure it was that balding ginger bastard.

 

Pag: Speaking of Men of Steel...

 

Hall: ...Prostates? Yes, please, go on.

 

Pag: What's with the prostate fixation? Have you had some bad news?

 

Hall: You wait 'til your my age.

 

Pag: No thank you. I hope I die before I get old.

 

Hall: ...or mentally mature.

 

Pag: I'm sorry?

 

Hall: Nothing... you should know. I think I've secured a slot on Euro Cable Sports Four.

 

Pag: For the promotion?! But... how... wha...

 

Hall: Connections, kid.

 

Pag: But that's the holy grail! I could never get Men of Steel there!

 

Hall: Kid, there are two types of people in this world... schmucks and Dunton Hall! What does that make you?

 

Pag: Distrustful of your arrogant attitude?

 

Hall: Clever... but no. You're a schmuck and schmucks don't get anywhere.

 

Pag: Then why hire me?

 

Hall: There are two types of schmuck, kid. Those who die trying and those who try dying. You managed to surround yourself with guys who were the latter in Men of Steel Prostates. That sells, kid. That really sells.

 

Pag: So, you're saying I'm marketable.

 

Hall: Dear god no. I'm saying you have a chance at booking a televised promotion and if you don't pipe down I'll get in touch with my niece instead.

 

Pag: But she's two!

 

Hall: Yes but we've already established she's more intelligent than you... probably had more women too.

 

Pag: Don't want to know, frankly. I am making some demands, though.

 

Hall: You've got balls kid. I like it. I'll soon cut them off and feed them to you but, for now, I like it.

 

Pag: I want some of the boys from Men of Steel. I know them; they know me.

 

Hall: How unfortunate for them.

 

Pag: Well, I was going to suggest getting my old broadcast partner, Manny Morhan, in but, by the sounds, I could have better banter with you.

 

Hall: Banter is a reciprocal process, kid. I think the kids would call this a serving but keep trying. We all have to start somewhere. But, yeah, fine, bring in who you want... I'll concentrate on opening some foreign doors so that your talent pool is wider. I don't want a bunch of established names, though. I want a brand identity. So, if you bring in some Men of Steel, I want the roster balanced with new faces.

 

Pag: Fair enough.

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Nevermore Newbie

Nevermore

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http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAW.jpg

 

Roster

 

 

 

Faces

 

 

 

Larry "Got" Wood

http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWWood.jpghttp://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWWoodmaster.jpg

 

From: Now residing in Woodstock, Oxfordshire

Finisher: Running Big Foot (Big Boot)

Manager: The Woodmaster

Preferred Weaponry: 2x4

 

 

 

Hungry Hungry Hobos

http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWThimbleby.jpghttp://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWWooton.jpghttp://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWHatt.jpg

 

Members: Thimbleby Langton and Wooton Fitzpaine

From: Hobohemia

Thimbleby's Finisher: Hobocanrana (Hurricanrana)

Wooton's Finisher: Bum Drop (Butt Drop)

Tag Team Finisher: Soupline Suplex (Double Vertical Suplex)

Manager: "The Jewish Cowboy" Stetson Hatt

Preferred Weaponry: Soup tins

 

 

 

Faces of Death

http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWFace1.jpghttp://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWFace2.jpg

 

(played by the Elimination Agents)

 

Members: Face of Death #1 and Face of Death #2

From: Deathsville, Facelvannia

Face of Death #1's Finisher: Face of Death (Headbutt)

Face of Death #2's Finisher: Face of Death (Headbutt)

Tag Team Finisher: Faces of Death (Headbutt combo)

Preferred Weaponry: Their own faces

 

 

 

Geena The Warrior Princess

http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWGeena.jpg

 

From: Amazonia

Finisher: Amazon Plunge (Sommersault Senton)

Preferred Weaponry: The carcasses of male victims

 

 

 

"The Dread Pirate" Nathaniel Hawk

http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWHawk.jpg

 

From: Born in Bridgetown, Barbados ; now residing on torrent websites the world over

Finisher: Skull and Cross Bones (Crucifix Powerbomb) ; Hurrican-YARR-na (a hurricnarana even less attractive than the gag)

Preferred Weaponry: Cutlass ; anti-big-businnes lawyers

 

 

 

Extreme Dragon

http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWDragon.jpg

 

From: The shield of St. George

Finisher: Dragon Drop (Reverse DDT)

Preferred Weaponry: Blind and unjustifiable patriotism

 

 

 

Beauty and The Geeks

http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWCole.jpghttp://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWLister.jpghttp://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWSimona.jpg

 

Members: Jason Cole and Christopher Lister

From: The darkest corner of that slightly seedy Sci-Fi memorabilia shop... yeah, that one

Influenced by: Attrocious American reality television

Cole's Finisher: Sky High

Lister's Finisher: A-Lister (Fame Asser)

Manager: Simona Cox

Preferred Weaponry: Plastic Light Sabers

 

 

 

Heels

 

 

 

Four Norsemen of the Apocalypse

http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWHarald.jpghttp://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWRagnar.jpghttp://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWHagbard.jpghttp://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWStarkad.jpg

 

Members: Harald, Ragnar, Hagbar and Starkad

From: Valhalla

Universal Finisher: AXE SMASH FACE (Double Axe Handle)

Preferred Weaponry: Pestilence, war, famine and death... all in their Nordic incarnations

 

 

 

 

"TJO" That Japanese One

http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWExile.jpg

 

From: Japan

Finisher: Me Hurt You Long Time! (Death Valley Driver)

Preferred Weaponry: Fighter planes (only when targetted at unsuspecting naval bases)

 

 

 

 

The Chaos Demons

http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWChaos1.jpghttp://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWChaos2.jpg

 

Members: Chaos Demon #1 and Chaos Demon #2

From: Tokyo, Japan

Chaos Demon #1's Finisher: Chaos Slam (Choke Slam)

Chaos Demon #2's Finisher: Chaos Bomb (Thrown Powerbomb)

Tag Team Finisher: Causing chaos through use of individual finishers

Preferred Weaponry: Debris from destroyed buildings in Tokyo... or anything that comes to hand

 

 

 

 

Mos-Cow The Communist Bovine

http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWMoscow.jpg

 

From: A farm... in Communist Moscow

Finisher: From each according to their ability to udders according to their need (Gore)

Preferred Weaponry: His/her udders

 

 

 

 

The C0ckney Rebels

http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWNeill.jpghttp://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWPatterson.jpghttp://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWLynn.jpg

 

Members: Harley Neill The Gnarly Heel and "The Tower of London" Danny Patterson

From: The Eastend

Harley's Finisher: East End Piledriver

Danny's Finisher: Choke Slam

Manager: Lynn Cox

Preferred Weaponry: Anything and everything

 

 

 

Ripper Le Stat

http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWRipper.jpg

 

From: New Orleans, Lousianna

Finisher: Choke Slam

Preferred Weaponry: Blood loss

 

 

 

Restholds 'R' US

http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWMorgan.jpghttp://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWGriffin.jpg

 

Members: JD "Boring" Morgan and Barry "Bland" Griffin

From: A bygone era

Morgan's Finisher: A resthold

Griffin's Finisher: A resthold

Preferred Weaponry: Boredom and general irritation

 

 

 

Australian Idols

http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWVaughan.jpghttp://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWRourke.jpghttp://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWSimpson.jpg

 

Members: Vaughan, Chopper Rourke and Blitz Simpson

From: The Australian penal system

Vaughan's Finisher: Choke Sleeper

Chopper's Finisher: Spinebuster

Blitz's Finisher: Lifting DDT

Preferred Weaponry: Boomerangs, Australian footballs and those bloody grating accents

 

 

 

Others

 

 

 

Dunton Hall

http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWHall.jpg

 

Role: Spiritual father, certified genius and commissioner

 

 

 

Manny Morhan

http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWManny.jpg

 

Role: Announcer

 

 

 

Charlie Pag

http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWPag.jpg

 

Role: Prick

 

 

 

Melanie Florence

http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWFlorence.jpg

 

Role: Interviewer and cynic

 

 

 

Roy Worral

http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWWorral.jpg

 

Role: Referee

 

 

 

Aurora

http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWAurora.jpg

 

Role: T&A

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Nevermore

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http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAW.jpg

 

Titles

 

Crazy F'n Bastard (CFB) Championship

http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWMask.jpg

 

Main event Hardcore Title

Champion is obliged to wear the Bastard Mask

Must be defended under hardcore stipulations.

A match stipulation cannot be repeated in the same year - thus, every match should be under innovative rules

 

 

 

Parental Advisory Tag Team Championship

http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWTag.jpg

 

Midcard Tag Team Title

 

 

 

TV Shows

 

http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAW.jpghttp://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/EuroCableSports4.jpg

 

1 hour - Held on Friday Evenings

Broadcast on the Saturday graveyard shift on Euro Cable Sports 4

 

 

 

 

Promotion Pacts

 

http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/ROF.jpghttp://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/MOSC.jpg

 

Working agreements with Ring of Fire and Men of Steel Combat

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Nevermore Newbie

Nevermore

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http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWTVlogo.jpg

 

Beacuse your school won't teach you how to use a steel chair...

 

 

 

Parental Advisory Tag Team Championship Tournament: Round 1

http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWTag.jpghttp://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWTag.jpg

 

Parental Advisory Wrestling, Episode 1 features Round 1 of the Parental Advisory Tag Team Championship Tournament. See how the numbers match? Yeah... we learnt basic arithmetic before dropping out of school! So, take that, Mum! There's also two people in each tag team - not 'cos we're conformist - because we can only afford two belts.

 

The matches are:

 

Australian Idols vs. Beauty & The Geeks

http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWRourke.jpghttp://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWSimpson.jpghttp://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/vs.jpghttp://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWLister.jpghttp://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWCole.jpghttp://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWSimona.jpg

 

We could plug the whole big Aussie behemoths against the plucky young brits angle but, let's be honest, there's only one thing you care about. Simona has tits... two of them! And they're really quite sizeable. Since Cheryl Cole isn't likely to lose any clothing on X Factor, why not give it a miss and tune into PAW instead?

 

Plus, there's sure to be more action than The Ashes...

 

 

 

Norsemen of the Apocalypse vs. Faces of Death

http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWRagnar.jpghttp://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWHagbard.jpghttp://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/vs.jpghttp://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWFace1.jpghttp://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWFace2.jpg

 

They wear plastic viking helmets... and the other ones wear cheap halloween masks. It's like a confrontation in a costume shop... but with more potential for blunt-force trauma. Who wouldn't want to see that?

 

 

 

JD Morgan & Mos-Cow The Communist Bovine vs. Hungry Hungry Hobos

http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWMorgan.jpghttp://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWMoscow.jpghttp://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/vs.jpghttp://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWThimbleby.jpghttp://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWWooton.jpghttp://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWHatt.jpg

 

Okay, confession time... Stetson Hatt doesn't have breasts. But Mos-Cow does! Well... udders. What's going on with that team you may ask. Well, Barry "Bland" Griffin decided his "other commitments" were more important than PAW. So, we thought who better to replace him than a species-confused Russian bloke with cow-knockers? Yeah, that'll learn him...

 

 

 

The Chaos Demons vs. Another Team

http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWChaos1.jpghttp://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWChaos2.jpg

 

No, we don't know who they're wrestling. What? We booked the venue, okay. What exactly are you expecting?

 

 

 

Vaughan vs. Geena The Warrior Princess

http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWVaughan.jpghttp://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/vs.jpghttp://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWGeena.jpg

 

Yes, we know what you're thinking. She does have breasts but she might just rip you eyes out for looking at them. Anyway, being the strong advocates of gender-equality that we are, we decided to stick a small chick in a wrestling ring with a 6'6" Australian ex-con in peak physical condition.

 

Excuse us, our lawyers are on the phone...

 

 

 

That Japanese One vs. Larry "Got" Wood

http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWExile.jpghttp://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/vs.jpghttp://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWWood.jpghttp://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/PAWWoodmaster.jpg

 

Two former men of steel prostates do battle in our main event. Plus, some camp fat bloke with a striking resemblance to Dale Winton will be standing at ringside. Yes, we did try for the real deal but he was busy doing those stupid "cash my gold" ads.

 

Bloody, brutal and near-intolerable levels of anger-inspired violence. Those are just a few ways to describe the public's reaction to Cheryl Cole not dumping her twat of a husband. This should be interesting too.

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

All predictions welcomed.

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