Relationships and taking breaks...

[RingofHonorGuard]

Okay, so I'm gonna be one of those guys who comes to the Dog Pound for advice. I've been serious with a girl for over a year now, and have been living with her since April.

 

Since April we as a couple and as individuals have been hit with a lot of obstacles. We've started arguing a lot, taking our situations out on one another. Her job has gotten overbearingly stressful, and I've taken a step back from my problems to be more supportive of her, especially lately.

 

Fast forward...

 

We just had one of the best weeks of our life. We argued very little, and even though her job stress got worse, everything between us was swell.

 

Today she just out of the blue tells me that we need to take a break. She gave me the "it's not you, it's me" line. And generally said she just "wasn't where she thought she should be in life right now" and "needed some time alone".

 

A few more details:

 

I don't think there's another guy in the picture, as her life is so stressful that if she was able to fit another guy into the mix I'd be surprised. I have no worries in that department.

 

....

 

What can I do in this situation? I love this girl more than anything, and the thought of losing her for good really makes me ill. I've been in enough relationships to know that "taking a break" is generally "it's over". But I'm keeping hope, and I'm going to try and play it as positively as I can, giving her all the trust that it really is something she needs to overcome on her own.

 

I'm not so self-absorbed to believe that this is all on her either... I know regardless of her "it's not you, it's me", that I've done something to help this break along.

 

So... anyone willing to help? Anyone have any comparable stories, hopefully with some sort of hope at the bottom?

 

Edit: We've both admitted to one another here recently that we did move in together too fast. But what can I do if we both go back to our respective residences and assure that I have the best chance of winning her back?

[supershot]

Well.. what I would do in this situation would be to ask to sit down with her and hear her out. Sounds gay but that's what I would do.. and this way you'll figure out whats really going on.

 

What ever you end up doing.. good luck.

[RingofHonorGuard]

She pretty much told me today before she went to work that there's really nothing I can say or do to change her mind about a break. She was adamant in saying it wasn't me, and that she just needed to be alone for a while. But she also wouldn't straight out say we'd get back together...

 

So I guess I'm just really confused as to whether or not this is a break up or if I should be getting my hopes up that it's just a break.

[Prophet]

It sounds to me that the problem is that she can't answer that question, because she doesn't know.

 

The biggest question right now is what sort of break does she mean? If she means the sort of break where there's a semblance of distance, but can still interact, then what you do, in my opinion, is (and this gets into fine line walking) be her friend. Which can be extremely difficult, but if you're supportive, without the "strings" of a relationship, it may put her at ease with the evils of the world, knowing someone is on her side, if that makes sense.

 

If it's the type of break where there's no interaction, though, I don't have any sort of answer. I think once you establish the parameters of what she's looking for, it'll be easier to gauge the next step.

[Stennick]

Its been my experiance when these things happen and people take "breaks" very rarely do they get right back with each other. Usually what happens is they take a break and either thats it, or they see a few people and then come back to each other.

 

I would sit down with her one last time and tell her you know that there is nothing you can say or do to keep the relationship in tact but is there no way she can tell you what the problem is? Without knowing what the problem is its nearly impossible to tell if you'll get back together.

 

Honestly without knowing your exact situation I'd say chances are slim you'll get right back together. You'll take a break, she'll spend three months without you, you guys will talk a lot at first and then less because the more you talk the more you want to be with her and maybe vice versa so you seperate yourselves and within three months you're not talking that much.

 

Once she's over her problems you guys aren't as close as you are now and either she meets someone, or you meet someone or it just happens. I would seriously doubt man that you guys would get back together as most of the time it doesn't happen.

 

Couples fall into two categories with "breaks". Some couples take several breaks every month it seems like. Other couples take one break and its final. If you guys have been together over a year and she needs a break I'd venture to say its final but thats just my guess.

[BurningHamster]

I've found the following phrase to be rather helpful

 

"Hit the bricks you hussy"

[StudioStu]

I was in a relationship a few years back that had a few breaks in it. I can honestly tell you that if she wants a break, the worst thing you can do is not give her the space she wants. When my girlfriend at the time asked for a break, I called her every single day trying everything I could to win her back, and all it really did was annoy her and push her further away. So finally I left her alone and started enjoying my own life. A few weeks later she calls me and sees that I'm happy and having a great time. I guess she was thinking "wow, he's able to be happy even without me?" Then she wanted to get back together.

 

I've been there man, not being able to eat, sleep, or think about anything else. So my advice is this, as hard as it may be, just give her the break she wants, and force yourself not to think about it and try to enjoy life. Also, let her be the one to initiate communication between you two. Ultimately, this is your decision so you have to do what you feel is best, but I hope this helps anyway.

[sabataged]

its done...make plans to move on...taking a break is the nice way of saying break up

[Trashbear]

I've been quite a few long-term relationships, and I've lived with three girls at various points throughout my life. So I feel like I may have some decent advice to offer.

 

If she says she's adamant about taking a break, I feel that the best thing you can do is tell her exactly how you feel, but also let her know that you want her to do what makes her happy and that you want to respect her wishes. If you really love her as much as you say you do, this is the best way to leave the door open for a reunion down the line. What you don't want to do is start crying and getting clingy, because you'll only push her further away, and when she meets a new guy (and she will) the new guy will seem that much better than you, because he'll likely be confident and charming, at least at the outset.

 

During the break, do the very best you can to improve your situation (employment, social life, maybe even your physical fitness level). Remain in touch, but DO NOT, at any point, make it seem like you're pining for her to come back to you. I wouldn't go so far as to tell her you don't care if she comes back to you, but I wouldn't tell her that you want her back. You need to make yourself as appealing as possible, so that she may begin to question why she left you in the first place.

 

In my experience, "breaks" are really "break-ups," but it's certainly not impossible for you to end up back together, so best of luck to you, and remember that time really does heal all wounds, especially if you know you always did right by this girl and didn't do anything deceitful to push her away.

[Comradebot]

Often, yeah, "breaks" are actually break ups... had that happen twice right out of high school. "I'm not saying this is it between us, I just need some time to re-evaluate my life" apparently actually means "it's been fun, but I'm getting back together with my ex and I'll never speak to you again". Super.

 

For a legitimate break, you need to set a timetable. Something along the lines of "let's take X days off, and then we'll discuss how we feel". Because it's true, sometimes you just need space and time to see how you feel about not having a relationship with that person. Honestly, if she didn't want to make that kind of commitment to the "break", it's probably because she's already leaning towards using it as an easy way to just say it's already over.

 

Best I can say, is take a deep breath, man up, and give her a few days alone. Nothing, NOTHING will annoy her more than you pestering her nonstop to talk to you. It makes you look weak because you would, in fact, be weak. Not exactly a turn-on. Not knowing one way or the other for sure can be rough, but if you care about her and want to try to keep her, it's your only real shot me thinks. Take a few days off, then meet up with her and tell her how you feel. If you're lucky she'll want to keep what she has with you. If not... do the Sarah Marshall thing, spend a few times crying like a woman, and then go find someone vastly cuter and more awesome than she is.

 

Good luck.