LUCKEYE LOSERS: Death to Ohio State!

[Bryan Swartz]

** Disclaimer: For anyone foolish enough to think this is a real history, you need a lobotomy. Any and all reprensentations and/or comments and/or facts herein and herein contained are a complete fabrication of the pyschotic author of this thread and bear no relationship whatsoever to actual people, places, teams, and/or events** [b]LUCKEYE LOSERS – A BBCF Anti-Dynasty[/b] For those who don’t know me, I’m Terry Harlow, soon to be the bane of stupid Ohio State fans everywhere. For sane football fans everywhere who hate the corrupt, badly coached, and always insanely fortunate Luckeyes who deserve less than half of what they get, join with me in cheering as I orchestrate their demise. In order to not make it too easy on myself/too hard on the Buckeye ‘faithful’, I have imposed a few rules: 1. I must redshirt any freshman or sophomores with sufficient potential who are not expected to receive significant playing time. 2. I must use offensive & defensive philosophies appropriate to what masquerades as ‘talent’ here in Hell’s Outhouse, otherwhise known as the Horseshoe in Columbus, OH. 3. I must use my entire budget. 4. Limited freedom to maximize OSU’s weaknesses via gameplanning; I must cater to some extent to my staff’s advice. 5. I must intelligently recruit interested players. The recruiting rules I’m still working on, I’ll flesh them out more when I get to the first year’s recruiting. Our expectations for the year are to finish first or second in the Big Ten, and rank in the top 15 at the end of the year. Over my dead body!! We’re ranked 13th overall preseason with the 15th-ranked incoming recruiting class, and the media has picked us 4th in the Big Ten. That’s better, but not good enough. Upon my arrival I immediately set to work on our budget for the 2005 season. My first course of action was to blow as much as possible on scouting other teams, tutors, medical staff and the like in order to leave as little as possible for recruiting. Then, after dumping the max into all recruiting regions, including those I have no intention whatsoever of visiting, I still had to put considerable funds into recruiting funds. Then, turning my attention to our starting roster, I was drawn to the fact that we have only 10 seniors … this looks to be a rebuilding year. A brief rundown of our roster will accompany the next update.

[GIGGAS2]

LOL, this sounds very interesting.

[Bryan Swartz]

Time to meet the 2005 Luckeyes .... [b]QUARTERBACKS[/b] Junior Dean Crouse looks to be the starter. He's good but not great, but in truth I'm glad he's here -- it gives me an excuse not to start fellow classmember Blue Stegall, who is just as good but could be an All-American down the line. Hopefully riding the pine will stunt his development. Another potential stud awaits in freshman Riall Ferrario, and there's no getting around redshirting him this year as he's 4th on the depth chart. I've got my work cut out for me here. [b]RUNNING BACKS[/b] Senior Erick Kirschke is another good player but not a true star. Junior Detron Torczon is the backup and will likely give us about the same production next year ar Kirschke will right now. There's young talent here too -- sophomore Cornell Blade, who'll never win the heisman but has a lot of potential. At fullback there is, thankfully, only one remotely competent guy on the roster. Junior Nashville LoVetere is solid, though he's got significant room to improve and I don't know that there's much I can do about it. The backup is freshman Bucko Caroline(what the hell kind of name is that anyway), but he's raw and at least as the top sub I have a ready-made excuse not to redshirt him. [b]RECEIVERS[/b] At wideout we've got a depressingly productive pair of juniors: Weegie Baumhower is excellent and still getting better, while Stephon Ours is a good complement. A timely injury or two would be a blessing here, as the reserves aren't good enough to start for a decent MAC team. A few will be solid players in time if left to their own devices, and sophomore Tex DeLeone could be a good one, but none of them are ready right now. The tight ends are a joy to behold, the highlight of the offensive. None of them are so much as competent. Senior Eugene Dragon is the starter, where he keeps backup junior Preston Liske from realizing his abundant potential. Freshman DeWayne Caleb has the skills to become a solid player, but he'll never be a star. Damn, I love these guys. [b]OFFENSIVE LINE[/b] We shouldn't be all that good here, with no real studs and only a couple good players, junior G Doak Gilmer and senior T T.J. Bledsoe, to anchor the line. However, there is truckloads of untapped talent -- in a couple years this will be one of the best lines in America if decisive action is not taken. There's three future all-Big Ten guys here and three more All-Americans, unless I miss my guess. I've got my work cut out for me. [b]DEFENSIVE LINE[/b] I love our defense -- for the most part, we've fallen a long way from the heady days of Spielman, Katzenmoyer, and Winfield. Above-average is the best that can be said for our stoutest linemen, and would be an overstatement deserving a trophy for most of them. Junior DE Cedric Harbaugh and senior DT Tremayne Simonton will be the anchors, such as they are. The future is not so rosy. At the ends we've got solid to good performers as far as the eye can see, and inside it's worse -- sophomore Montique Quinn and freshman R-Kal Moss, their stupid names notwithstanding, could become legitimate stars. [b]LINEBACKERS[/b] Only two guys on our entire defense concern me, and here's one of them: junior OLB Marquise Zolak. He threatens to save the entire front seven, as he's the only star in the bunch. An attacking, disruptive force particularly adept at tackling and blitzing, all I can do with Marquise is hope to heaven he has the judgement to go pro after this year. The thought of him in our linebacking corps for TWO seasons is enough to bring on a Maalox Moment. The inside backers are merely competent though, and Zolak's partner on the outside, junior Lydell Burkett, is subpar. The long-term outlook shows some good players, but no real stars, certainly no-one in Marquise's league. There's enough of them though that the unit will unfortunately have some real depth. [b]DEFENSIVE BACK[/b] Our second corner, Vinny Lyons(sophomore), is the worst starter on the team. Senior SS Laverne Parish, a possible all-Big Ten selection, will likely make up for him though. As at linebacker there's some talent here, but no real stars, and other than Parish the current group will stink it up against top competition. [b]SPECIAL TEAMS[/b] Junior Quinton Ojo is a fantastically average placekicker, but the future holds more for freshman Blanche Suggs. Punter is an absolutely disgusting display of near-perfection with LeShon Olds, probably the best in the country at downing the ball inside the 20. Freshman Adesola Bligen shows pathetic signs of being equally effective in time, so I'll be stuck at that spot for quite a while.

[Bryan Swartz]

Eeek! I forgot to include my coaching staff, otherwhise known as those gullible idiots who will unwittingly assist me in orchestrating the decline of OSU to the bottom of the conference and from there, the nation. So without any further ado ... [b]OFFENSIVE CO-ORDINATOR[/b] Jerris Womack, 41, 14 years experience, $500,000/year. Jerris is a little above-average, with strengths in motivation as well as scouting running backs and developing quarterbacks and receivers. He excels at running a balanced offense. Scouting the offensive line and developing running backs are his weaknesses. Womack is the guy that really makes this team go -- which makes him enemy #1 in my book. I'm rooting for him to get a head coaching offer, say, yesterday if not sooner. [b]DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR[/b] Manfred Crouse, 41, 15 years experience, $300,000/year. I'm hanging on to Crouse as long as I can -- he sucks and I don't mean maybe. Manfred cannot truly be said to have any real strengths, but his areas of greatest inadequacy are scouting linebackers and developing all positions. [b]SPECIAL TEAMS COACH[/b] Tyree Seurer, 36, 8 years experience, $200,000/year. Mostly an average coach with no real strengths, Seurer is a bit below average in scouting special teams talent.

[Bryan Swartz]

This year we’ll be running the Vertical Passing offense – I think we’d do better with a Balanced offense, so I’m thrilled about it. Not surprisingly with horrid DTs behind Simonton the staff insisted on a 3-4 defense, hoping to unleash Zolak’s fury in blitzing schemes. When scheduling time came around, I announced to Athletic Director that I would be scheduling as tough a non-conference slate as possible. When he asked why, I argued that too often Big Ten teams get hammered against top competition from the west coast because they aren’t used to the more wide-open style of play. We need to play the best in order to prepare to beat the best. In a truly Herculean accomplishment, I even managed to keep a straight face – and the poor fool swallowed it!! What a moron … The first round of requests was for games at: Miami, Florida, and Virginia Tech. Only Miami refused, leaving us with a much-improved slate of games and one team left to find. USC accepted the game, which was just as good as the Hurricanes as far as I’m concerned. Here’s to some blowouts on the road!! Now in the final week of preseason camp, all that remained was redshirting guys I couldn’t come up with an excuse not to, and then updating our depth chart. Personally I think I did a great job, cutting down the redshirted players list to only 13 players. With that done, it was time to look ahead to the regular season. We’ll begin with the following starters, the choice of whom I left up to my coordinators: [b]OFFENSE[/b] QB Dean Crouse, Jr., 6-1, 235 HB Erich Kirschke, Sr., 5-11, 223 FB Nashville LoVetere, Jr., 6-1, 240 WR Weegie Baumhower, Jr., 6-1, 197 WR Stephen Ours, Jr., 6-2, 184 TE Eugene Dragon, Sr., 6-6, 237 OT T.J. Bledsoe, Sr., 6-2, 317 OT Chuck Nussmeier, So., 6-8, 319 OG Doak Gilmer, Jr., 6-4, 308 OG Nolan Gesser, Jr., 6-3, 298 C Laurie Muhammad, Jr., 6-0, 308 [b]DEFENSE[/b] DE Cedric Harbaugh, Jr., 6-6, 257 DE Kevin Garner, Jr., 6-2, 281 NT Tremayne Simonton, Sr., 6-7, 292 ILB Thad Kooistra, Jr., 6-0, 233 ILB Antwaan Bassett, Sr., 6-2, 231 OLB Marquise Zolak, Jr., 5-11, 237 OLB Lydell Burkett, Jr., 6-2, 233 CB Speedy Backus, Jr., 5-10, 181 CB Vinny Lyons, So., 5-9, 187 FS Dick Mabry, So., 5-10, 190 SS Laverne Parish, Sr., 5-11, 195 [b]SPECIAL TEAMS[/b] K Quiton Ojo, Jr., 5-10, 207 P LeShon Olds, Jr., 5-8, 218 One simply cannot give this lineup even a cursory glance without being filled with trepidation for the future. Of our 22 starters(not counting special teams), there are only six seniors graduating, three on each side of the ball. Of those half-dozen, only SS Laverne Parish will be missed. 13 juniors and 3 sophomores will gain valuable experience and return battle-hardened, and among them only Zolak has any real prospects of leaving early. I don’t see us winning the Big Ten or a BCS berth this year, but next year? All bets are off, I don’t really want to think about it.

[Bryan Swartz]

[b]WEEK ONE, 2005[/b] It appears I did a reasonable job with the schedule: only 9 teams in the nation will play a tougher slate. A.D. did insist on a stupid date with North Texas at the Horseshoe though, it’ll be tough to blow that one. I was notified of guys with academic problems, and that we have 102 tutoring hours this year. I managed to blow 75 of them on end-of-the-benchers, including two guys who are redshirting. I’ll have to wait a few weeks to blow the rest though. If things keep the way they are, we could lose five starters to academic probation before the month is out. Fantastic! We dropped one spot in the polls being idle, as did next week’s opponent. Coming up: Looking for our first loss of the season, my 13-th ranked squad visits the #6 Florida Gators. The one big game of the first week saw #15 Notre Dame spank #19 Michigan State in East Lansing, 31-13. The Irish are up to #12 this week, while the Spartans are unranked following this bad loss.

[Bryan Swartz]

[b]#13 Ohio State(0-0) @ #6 Florida(0-0)[/b] Offense: HB Wilbur Halberg has excellent acceleration, good agility, and knows what do with the ball when he gets it. He’s the biggest danger on their offense, while QB Lomas Whelihan, a good signal-caller, has talent but can be prone to poor decisions and/or inaccurate throws. Their receivers are pretty good, but the line is merely above-average. Defense: The Gators play a base 4-3, and DE Dee Pickard is a bear on passing downs. Their linebackers are solid, the secondary as well, but neither are particularly impressive. Strategy: I was able to devise a offensive gameplan a little more diverse than the one planned by OC Jerris Womack, particularly in the passing game. Getting the ball out of the hands of our wideouts will pay dividends I think – for Florida, not for us. Defensively, I worked on limiting blitzing opportunities, particularly for the wrecking ball known as Marquise Zolak. Our secondary is skilled in man coverage primarily with SS Dick Mabry a good blitzer, so naturally I emphasized more softer zone schemes. Crouse is too dumb to know any better anyway. And then, it was time. Time for my coaching debut. The weather: 91 and partly cloudy. The Gators were favored by 11, but I was hoping to lose by at least 17-20. We got the ball first, starting on our own 21, and in the very first series I almost lost it. On third-and-3, Kirsche sprinted around right end and galloped down the sideline for a touchdown. It was called back as he stepped out of bounds at around mid-field, but still – where was the Gators defense!! The next play was pure genius though – Kirschke was stuffed for a loss of 2, AND called for unnecessary roughness. Soon we had a third-and-27, and I could hardly contain my glee. And then I was crushed, as a screen to Kirschke gained 32, and a first down in Florida territory! A pair of drops stopped the drive, but Ojo nailed a 49-yard kick and we were up 3-0 three minutes in. Grrr … On the ensuing possession, things got worse. Florida QB Thomas Whelihan injured his toe on the second play, and he was done for the day. It could be a long game the way things are going. Backup Bernie Salaam played brilliant on the series though, leading the Gators down the field and eventually HB Skip McCarthy barely beat our defense to the near-side pylon, diving in for a 3-yd score and a 7-3 Florida lead with nine minutes to go in the quarter. That’s more like it, boys!! Even better, we fumbled the kickoff return, and four plays later Hagberg crashed in from a yard out, making it 14-3. And we weren’t done yet. On the second play of the next drive, Crouse was crushed by Gators DT E.G. Lisch and fumbled, Florida recovering again, this time on our 14. However, disaster struck when they went for six on 4th and Goal from our 3 … Zolak asserted himself with a big sack, and its still just 14-3, averting our chances for an early rout. Just before the end of the quarter, with us on the move, WR Stephen Ours suffered a groin injury, ending his day and improving my mood considerably. We finished off the drive in the second quarter, with Crouse hitting Tex Deleone in the endzone for a 2-yd score on fourth down, closing the gap to 14-10. It’s a ball game again, and I’m worried … we aren’t folding like the cheap suit I want us to be. Other than the turnovers, we’re actually outplaying our favored hosts. The next Gators possession produced a nice-looking 51-yd FG, boosting their edge to 17-10. A 3-and-out followed by a big Gators punt return set them up at our 38, and with 2:38 to go in the half they cashed in on a 2-yd reception by HB Wilbur Hagberg. 24-10, and I’m breathing a bit easier. Parrish and Zolak are really playing well out there on defense, but thankfully the other nine guys are stinking it up. Salaam is 9 of 11 for 96 yards and this TD since coming on … perhaps the Whelihan injury was a blessing. Another 3-and-out and another big Gators return sets up a late 47-yd FG, and going into halftime I’m pleased overall: we trail 27-10 and, barring a disaster, seem headed for a bad loss to open my coaching career. The third was largely uneventful, with our offense continuing to sputter and the Gators’ rushing attack beginning to assert itself. A pair of field goals pushed their lead to 33-10, and it was all but over entering the final 15 minutes. An interception by DE Cedric Harbaugh gifts us a golden opportunity early in the quarter, but we gloriously blew it and finished it off with Ojo missing a 42-yd FG and best of all, Crouse was injured on the series and his day is done. The debacle is almost complete, and I’m beside myself with joy. A late FG completes the scoring. The final: Florida 36, Ohio State 10. It’s rare to see the Buckeyes get blown out like this, but I assure you: you ain’t seen nuthin’ yet! Total yards were Florida 412, Ohio State 227, and they dominated time of possession with more than 38 minutes. We drop to #24, which is disappointing – we should be out of the polls completely. But there’ll be an opportunity to take care of that next week, when we visit #5 USC.

[Bryan Swartz]

Heading into the Trojan game, I was informed that QB Dean Crouse will be out a month with a broken jaw, while #2 WR Stephon Ours is still recovering from a pulled groin and could use another week to recover. I'll sit Ours, since he would help us too much if he played. Crouse being out actually bothers me, since Blue Stegall will benefit from the extra playing time. But I suppose it can't be helped. Better is the announcement of the following suspended players: WR Weegie Baumhower(6 receptions, 95 yards vs. Florida). Better still, Baumhower is hopping mad about not playing. DE Jeff Eason(#1 backup) OG Doak Gilmer – didn’t play well against Florida, but among our best linemen DT Duval Van Pelt – third-string NT in our current 3-4 alignment Stegall is also in danger of being suspended if his grades don’t improve. Van Pelt will get some tutoring help but the rest of these guys are too valuable to give them any assistance in getting eligible again. On offense, my only real concern is Erich Kirschke, who ran for almost 8 yards a pop against Florida(11 carries, 86 yards). Crouse struggled and I expect Stegall to do the same, but Kirschke could have been a nightmare if we hadn’t fallen behind early. Defensively there were few surprises, with Parrish and Zolak(11 tackles) leading the way. Thankfully they weren’t enough to slow down the Gators. [i]#24 Ohio State(0-1) @ #5 USC(1-0)[/i] The Trojans won at Miami(OH), but weren’t that impressive in a 25-13 final. HB Marquand Weathers had 205 yards from scrimmage, 177 of them on the ground. Their QB, Trung Kimbrough, has a strong arm but really doesn’t know what to do with it – he’s only average, and their receivers are no better. It’s Weathers and a solid though not impressive offensive line that make USC’s offense go, so I’ll need to allow as much room for him to operate as possible by focusing our defense on the passing game. Defensively, their line is subpar except for the very good DT Teddy Dennison. The secondary is also subpar, but their linebackers are pretty good. Normally I’d think I’ll have to force-feed Kirschke a fair amount this time, because Stegall looks like he’ll have all day to throw against these guys. However in this case I’ll be looking to get the ball to our wideouts a lot more, as Easy and DeLeone are the best we’ve got left with Ours injured and Baumhower suspended, and they stink, pure and simple. Once again I’ll up the number of runs to FB LoVetere and QB Stegall to limit Kirschke’s effectiveness. Their special teams aren’t much to get excited about either – either my reports are dead wrong or this is a pretty over-rated USC squad. [b]The GDCS preview:[/b] Offense: Huge advantadge to USC. Defense: Big advantadge to USC. Special Teams: Small advantadge to USC. Key Matchup: This just about says it all. If this really is the key matchup, then I’ll achieve a second straight blowout loss as planned. OSU WR Tex DeLeone(2 receptions, 11 yards, TD against Florida) vs. USC secondary(168 passing yards/gm, #16 nationally). I’d give the Trojans another big edge here, to put it mildly.

[Bryan Swartz]

Both teams got off to a slow start offensively, but then Kimbrough got it going, following up a 47-yard bomb with a 30-yard TD pass to Wohlabaugh. 7-0 Trojans, midway through the first quarter. Promising drives by both teams end in punts, and its still 7-zip at the end of the period. USC punished our defense with their running game, then Kimbrough to Garnes on a beautiful corner route for a 25-yard score makes it 13-0 after a missed extra point, and we were nowhere near him!! Simply, totally, completely, marvelous! The glee would soon come to an end though. Our offense, aided by stupid USC penalties, is slowly but surely picking up steam and we ground our way down the field, ending in a 1-yd screen TD, Stegall to Eldridge Easy. A holding penalty on Nussbaum nullified the score graciously, so we ran the same play to the other side – and they missed the tackle, Easy waltzed in(I refuse to say easily) from 11 yards out. 13-6, USC still in front(we returned the missed PAT favor), but its too close for comfort. The ensuing drive sees USC HB Marquand Weathers break the 100-yard mark with 5 minutes still left in the half, much to my delight. An interception soon gives us the ball back, and Stegall marches the troops down the field for a 35-yd FG attempt, which Ojo hits … but we had 12 men on the field! Thank goodness, that would have cut the lead to a mere four points! Ojo calmly backs up and nails the 40-yarder, and its still 13-9. He better watch himself. If he’s lucky, Quinton has only earned himself many an extra windsprint in practice next week. A big kick return followed by lazy pass defense allows the Trojans a 40-yarder to restore the seven-point lead, 16-9, with six seconds left. Nevertheless we head to the half very much in danger of pulling this one out. SS Laverne Parish was absolutely everywhere in the first half, and he stuffs Weathers, then sacks Kimbrough on USC’s first series to get us the ball back. I’ve gotta do something about that kid, though at least he’s graduating after this year. A 47-yard bomb to Easy … note to USC, cover him!! He sucks, for crying out loud!! Just bloody cover that damn guy!! … puts us in great position to tie the game early in the third. FB Nashville LoVetere punches it in on a pitch play from 3 yards out, tying the score at 16 with 11:28 to go in the quarter. Immediately, I send out for more Alka-Seltzer and contemplate whether or not you’re allowed to forfeit in the middle of the second half. USC went on to squander another big kick return, starting from their 43 but dropping two passes and missing the proper route on the third. Where’s my DAMN Alka-Seltzer! We manage a 3-and-out, but then star punter LeShon Olds uncorks a 65-yard explosion, pinning USC on their own 9-yard-line. After a couple nice passes, Kimbrough throws one from past the line of scrimmage and the Trojans punt from midfield. At least they managed to down it at the five. Time for that safety, boys! After some more exchanged punts, the quarter ends with the Trojans on the move again at our 35, and an injury to CB Marquise Flick, our nickel back. One quarter to go, still tied at 16 all. On 3rd-and-1 from our 3, Kimbrough hits FB Kim Capua for the score, putting them back on top 23-16. Now comes the real test: can we hold the deficit this time? FB Nashville LoVetere was lost for the game early on the next series, which should help our chances. Then Stegall sidesteps the rush after being sacked on the previous play, finding Easy for 19 on 3rd-and-14 and a first down! Sheesh. Kirschke added to my ever-rising blood pressure on the next play, prancing down the far sideline like a ballerina for 18, and suddenly the Trojans defense was on their heels. USC LB Carson Cline saved the drive with a big third-down sack, but Ojo put through another 40-yarder and its 23-19, with almost nine interminable minutes left. The biggest play of the game would take place at the end of USC’s next drive, which took over four and a half minutes. They’d penetrated to our 3, where we threatened a goal-line stand, leading to a 4th-and-goal from the 2. A beautiful play fake by Kimbrough led to another short TD pass to Capua, making the score 30-19 with less than four minutes left. Finally I could relax, as we had brilliantly snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. Blue Stegall finally threw his first interception of the game a few plays later, ending all doubt of the outcome. A 30-yd USC kick with half a minute left ended the scoring. Final: USC 33, Ohio State 19. Far too close for my health, but still, we’re 0-2. What more could you ask for!? WR Eldridge Easy(7 receptions, 145 yards, TD) is definitely in my doghouse. Kirschke had another good game(26 rushes, 130 yards) but was equalized by Weathers. Our pass defense continues to show their ability to give up the big play, and that was the difference today. Our losing streak will be severely tested next week as North Texas invades the Horseshoe. We are favored by 25 points, having scored just 29 in two games combined thus far.