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"ATTENTION FANS OF THE THING YOU CALL PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING, I AM DOCTOR DIABOLICULUS! FIVE TIME WINNER OF THE DOOMSDAY OF THE YEAR AWARD! KNOW MY NAME AND TREMBLE!  YES I HAVE ENTERED THE REALM OF PEOPLE IN TIGHT SPANDEX PUNCHING EACH OTHER IN ORDER TO DESTROOOOOOOOY IT! WHY? ...look, corporations kind of took over my job of destroying the world so I need to settle for destroying niche interests instead. SO PREPARE YOURSELVES FOR I HAVE CREATED:

"NO PROS WRESTLING!"

"OR NOPE!"

"(THE W LOOKS LIKE AN E IF I FLIP IT A BIT, THAT'S WHY I CALLED IT THAT)"

"IT IS THE FIRST OF ITS KIND, THE FIRST EVER UNPROFESSIONAL WRESTLING PROMOTION! WITH IT I SHALL SIPHON AWAY THE FANS OF YOUR PATHETIC LUCHAS LIBRED, PUYOPUYORESU, AND ENTERTAINMENT SPORTS AND TAKE ALL YOU HOLD DEAR! IF I AM MORE POPULAR THAN OTHER COMPANIES THEY CEASE TO EXIST, THIS IS HOW CAPITALISM WORKS I AM TOLD!"

"BUT ENOUGH PREAMBLE, BEHOLD, THE AMBLE!"

ROSTER
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BATTERING LAMB | SQUIRE DANGERSTACHE ESQ. | CRAB MAN
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SWASHBUCKLER | ENCERRADA DORADA | SILENT MIME
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FAITH FORCE | HUMAN HOTDOG | THE ANVIL!!!!!!
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CRUMBLEWHISKERS | TWINKLEJINX | KING JUGGAMUFFIN
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DEVIL MCSATANMAN | DEFINITELY A. AMERICAN | KRUG GAR
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CLOWNS

Note from the Doctor: "I AM TIRED OF LISTING MY EMPLOYEES, YOU'LL MEET THE OTHERS WHEN I FEEL LIKE, GOODBYE!"

 

 

Edited by Pteroid
Gottem
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"HELLO I AM BACK AGAIN! I AM INFORMED THAT IT IS POLITE TO SHOW THE UNWASHED MASSES THE PLANS FOR YOUR CARD AHEAD OF TIME FOR THEM TO PREDICT LIKE FILTHY CARNVIAL FORTUNE TELLERS!"

"WELL I REFUSE!"

"INSTEAD I DEMAND YOU PICK A SIDE!"

"RED OR BLUE!"

"THIS WILL BECOME IMPORTANT IN THE DAYS TO COME! AND THE DAYS TO GO! DON'T SIT ON THE FENCE, I DEMAND YOU ACT LKE GOOD AMERICANS AND ARBITRARILY PICK A SIDE TO VENOMOUSLY SCREAM AT YOUR FELLOW MAN ABOUT! DO IT NOW!"

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NoPE: UNPROFESSIONAL
LIVE FROM: ORLANDO, FLORIDA

ATTENDANCE: 75

 

The first ever Unprofessional Wrestling show begins with the ever explosive Doctor Diaboliculis standing in the ring with a microphone (like he needs it).

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“THE SHOW COMMENCES! WELCOME TO YOUR DOOOOOOOOM, FOOLS!”

 

The crowd cheers, it’s 2022 baby we all want that sweet release.

 

Diaboliculis:
“YES, CHEER THE DESTRUCTION OF ALL YOU HOLD DEAR AT THE METICULOUSLY MANICURED FINGERNAILS OF ME, DOCTOR DIABOLICULIS! BUT FIRST, YOU WILL NOTICE YOU HAVE ALL BEEN SORTED INTO TWO CAMPS....”

 

Diaboliculis gestures at one side of the school gym which has only red chairs and the other which has blue, the audience has indeed been divided evenly…

 

Diaboliculis:

“RED AND BLUE…YES…YEEEEEES! I-wait what are you doing over there?”

Diaboliculis points at a guy standing over by the soda machine who shrugs.

 

Guy:
“Undecided.”

 

Diaboliculis:
“There’s always someone who HAS to be difficult. VERY WELL AN EVEN SPLIT! HOW ORIGINAL! But now it is time for me to reveal whyyyyy I have done this! BEHOLD, COME FORTH!”

 

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From the back step two women, one an oddly voluptuous nun while the other can best be described as a satanic soccer mom.

 

Diaboliculis:
“PRESENTING SISTER BETH MERCY AND KAREN KILLER! THESE WOMEN REPRESENT THE OLDEST DISPUTE KNOWN TO MAN: GOD AND THE DEVIL!”

 

Sister Beth Mercy:
“It’s a pleasure to be here, Doctor, the Mother Posterior at Our Lady of Eternal Gyrations was overjoyed when she heard you were interested in helping us usher in the Lord’s kingdom on earth-”

 

Karen Killer:

“AW CRAM IT, TRAMP OF THE TRINITY! Hey Diabolidickhead, the green room didn’t arrange my macarons in a pentagram like I requested! I am leaving you the WORST Welp review!”

 

Diaboliculis:

“WONDERFUL! Yes, tonight the greatest struggle of the Abrahamic faith shall be decided…WITH VIOLENCE!”

 

Mercy:

“Goodness, sir, violence!? We people of the cloth abhor violence! Except that one time. And the other time. And the other time. And the other time. And the-”

Killer:

“If you wanted violence why in the name of Satan did your security keep me from bringing in my chainsaw!?”

 

Diaboliculis:
“Oh you won’t be fighting, dear ladies, this shall be COMBAT BY CHAMPION! …hm, champion, I should probably get one of those, put a pin in that. BEHOLD!”

 

Nothing happens.

 

Killer:
“Well?”

Diaboliculis:
“...OH RIGHT! Choose a color, red or blue.”

Killer:
“Red!”

Mercy:
“Re-hey!”

Diaboliculis:
“CONGRATULATIONS RED CORNER, YOU’RE ALL SATANISTS NOW! ENJOY URINATING UPON THE FEET OF GOD AT THE PEARLY GATES!”

Mercy gasps and turns to everyone on the red side.

Mercy:
“Oh no no, please repent everyone, the wages of sin are surely death!”

 

Killer:
“Well that was the easiest bunch of souls I ever corrupted.”

Diaboliculis:
“AND BLUE CORNER YOU ARE NOW HONORBOUND SERVANTS OF THE LORD ALMIGHTY, PLEASE HOLD ALL DEUSES AND VULTS UNTIL THE SHOW HAS CONCLUDED!”

Killer:
“Ooh, we doing crusades again? Yeah don’t look into who has the holy land right now, champs, go get ‘em.”

Mercy:
“I-you-wh-IS THERE A POINT TO ALL THIS!?”

Diabolicus:
“I’m glad you asked, Madame Nun, tonight this building shall play host to a series of battles, whichever side has accumulated the most victories by the end shall be declared superior to the other in every way! THE ULTIMATE CONFLICT RESOLUTION!”

 

Killer:
“Well it beats the original idea where goody two-shoes’ side spoils the ending and we all get edged for millennia, I’m in!”


Mercy:

“This is nonsense! The bible clearly states-”

Diaboliculis:
“Is that a forfeit I hear~? Are you really going to let the devil have dominion so easily~?”

Mercy:
“Ugh, fine, I shall choose my champion…”

Diaboliculis:
“No need, they’ve already been chosen!”

Killer:
“How?”

Diaboliculis:
“ARBITRARILY! BY ME! LET THE CHALLENGE COMMENCE!”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pct1uEhAqBQ

As circus music fills the building out from the back comes a rather terrifying assortment-

 

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-of exceedingly scary clowns. The trio of perverse pagliaccis stomp around the ring giggling and snickering and looking out for any kids to drag down stormdrains. They enter the ring and…bow before Sister Mercy.

Mercy:
“...are you serious?”

Diaboliculis:

“Indeed I am! For the purposes of tonight these fine facepainted fellows are putting on the armor of God~”

Mercy:
“Then what on earth does SHE get!?”

As if in answer, new music plays with a bit of a…slower start. The lights go out.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mS1qw2lNEDk

Someone screams as there’s movement just out of sight, someone jumps in their seat as something rubs against them…Suddenly a spotlight illuminates someone standing on one of the empty chairs.

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“Are you blind when you’re born? Can you see in the dark?”

Another spotlight comes on to see someone else reclining on the announce desk.

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“Dare you look at a king? Would you sit on his throne?”

A third spotlight illuminates a far larger person looming over the guy by the soda machine, he seizes him by the shoulders and…nuzzles his neck.

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“Can you say of your bite, that it’s worse than your bark?”

Shoving the man aside the largest one links up with his two associates who proceed to twist around him and furtively bump noses.

MtdOdEf752rMAwv0OJg2t-XyZ9MGFV1jrqW37XDL
“Are you cock of the walk…”

W3mxf_mHgzt6udHcvC5xgN0b-m3KI8BereRUn-eN
“When you’re walking alone?”

All three burst into song now as the lights come up.

 

“Because jellicles are and jellicles do
Jellicles do and jellicles would
Jellicles would and jellicles can
Jellicles can and jellicles do~”

The ‘cats’ slide into the ring and approach Karen, who excuses herself behind Sister Mercy.

“When you fall on your head, do you land on your-”

Diaboliculis:
“THAT’S QUITE ENOUGH MUSICAL THEATER!”


BANG!

Diaboliculis has drawn a revolver and shot it into the ceiling, leading the cats to hiss and retreat to the red corner, leering across the ring as the clowns usher Karen Killer to her servants, who rub against her graciously.

Killer:
“Is it too late for me to forfeit?!”

Diaboliculis:
“Yes, LET THE BATTLE BEGIN!”

The bell rings and all the noncombatants dive out of the ring as the fur and funnybones fly.

 

BATTLE OF HEAVEN AND HELL
MATCH 1:
CLOWNS VS CATS

Not since Alien vs Predator has there been a bigger lose/lose scenario for humanity than this match. It’s chaos from the word go as both teams are clearly less inclined to wrestle and more to lean on their own knowhow of trickery and cheating. Of particular note is the biggest cat, identified as King Juggamuffin by the good Doctor, attempting to remove the blue-haired clown’s nose under the belief that it’s a detachable ball before getting distracted by one of the latter’s compatriots shining a laser pointer out of the ring and onto the forehead of an unfortunate fan who gets taken out with an apron-borne pounce! The two more athletically-inclined kitties fought back valiantly from the two on one advantage and managed to undo the suspenders on green-haired clown’s outfit to make him drop his comically oversized pantaloons. This revealed an assortment of weaponry was stashed inside (along with the clowns requisited heart-pattern boxers) and the cats went to work with a bowling pins on blue and green -or Chuckles and Mr. Giggles as the Doctor identified them- before receiving a double superblooperkick from the two into a double backdrop from their red-haired compatriot, Smiles.

With things well in hand it seemed as though the clowns would achieve victory for the holiest of holies until Karen Killer yoinked the laser pointer from the apron and directed King Juggamuffin back into the ring which led to a rampage that saw the suspenders of the other two clowns get cut to reveal another set of comical boxers and…a speedo. Well then. Thoroughly off their game and embarrassed, the clowns were no match when all three members of the Andrew Lloyd Webber fever dream performed steroe pounces for the pins and the wins for the lord of darkness.

 

WINNERS VIA PINFALL: THE CATS

 

Mercy:
“NOOOOOO!”

Diaboliculis:

“THE CATS ARE VICTORIOUS! NOW SECURITY GO SPRITZ THEM WITH A SPRAY BOTTLE SO THEY DON’T RUB ON ANYONE ELSE, IT IS DISQUIETING!”

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“I’ll say, maaaaan, those cats are a bad trip.”

Diaboliculis:
“GYAAAAAAH! WHO ARE YOU!?”

Man:
“I’m Bob Baker, maaaan, your play-by-play partner? You hired me to call the action.”

Diaboliculis:
“Why weren’t you then!?”

Bob:
“[inhales something]”

Diaboliculis:
“My god, you are partaking of GATEWAY DRUGS!?”

Bob:
“Nah man-[cough cough]-I work for Hoosier State, not Gateway, that’s in Saint Louis.”

Diaboliculis:
“Perhaps it is fitting that the Devil won this first match, FOR EVERY DAY WE STRAY FARTHER FROM GOD’S LIGHT!”

Bob:
“You’re like…a villain? So I think this just means I should toke more.”

Diaboliculis:
“FOOLISH MAN I-wait, did our interplay keep me from announcing our next combatants? DAMN YOU, WEED MAN, YOU BROKE MY FOCUS!”

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Representing God: THE ANVIL!!!!!!!

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Representing the Devil: Battering Lamb

BATTLE OF HEAVEN AND HELL
MATCH 2:
ANVIL VS LAMB

The Batering Lamb stamps his hooves on the mat and lets out a challenging bleat at his foe who returns the gesture. It’s a headbutt-off! THEY CHARGE!

CLONK!

Lamb collapses like a wet noodle.

…welp.

WINNER VIA KO: THE ANVIL!!!!!!

Killer:
“Aw come on, seriously!? Why did SHE get the heavy metal guy!?”

Mercy:
“Now now, Ms. Killer, such displays are unbecoming of a woman of your…advanced years.”

Killer:
“Say that to my face you Habakkuk harlot.”

Mercy:
“Habakkuk-don’t make up words!”

Killer:
“It’s a book in the bi-ugh, nevermind where are the next guys?”

Diaboliculis:
“Hm? OHO APOLOGIES, OUR NEXT CONTEST SHALL BE AS LIKE NOAH’S ARK, TWO VERSUS TWO!”

Mercy:
“That’s two *by* two, Doctor-”

Diaboliculis:
“IRRELEVANT! BEHOLD THE TEAM REPRESENTING THE RED CORNER!”

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Diaboliculis:
“DEFINITELY A. AMERICAN AND MASQUE DE DISCO!”

Bob:
“Hey man, what gives, that dude isn’t on the roster.”

Diaboliculis:
“I DID NOT ADD HIM, I DESPISE HIS GENRE AND WISH HE WOULD DIE!”

Mercy:
“You gave HER the American guy?”

Killer:
“Separation of church and state mean much to you?”

Mercy:
“No they do not! But I shall soldier on, who shall be representing me-OH HELL NO!”

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Diaboliculis:
“AH YES, A TEAM FROM THE DISTANT PAST, SAURIA AND KRUG-GAR!”

Bob:
“Ok, why isn’t she on the roster?”

Diaboliculis:
“I DID NOT WANT TO ATTRACT THE ANTI-SEMITES WHO SAY LIZARD PEOPLE RULE THE WORLD!”

Bob:
“Fair.”

Mercy:
“This is unacceptable! I will not have our lord and savior be represented by Dinosaurs and Monkeymen! Paleontology is the devil’s science!”

Killer:
“Close, it’s actually Mixology.”


Diaboliculis:
“My dear shapely zealot, do not fret, for Sauria is no true dinosaur, I made her IN MY DOOM LABORATORY, I HAVE PLAYED GOD AND WILL INEVITABLY PAY FOR MY HUBRIS!”

Mercy:
“And the monkeyman?”

Diaboliculis:
“I kidnapped a baby and had it raised by gibbons.”

Bob:
“Huh, why?”

Diaboliculis:
“A future version of myself went back in time and told me of how everyone in this age wanted to ‘return to monke’. I TRAUMITIZED A SMALL CHILD IN THE NAME OF A SEMI-DATED MEME!”

Killer:
“Wow you ARE evil.”

BATTLE OF HEAVEN AND HELL
MATCH 3:
DEFINITELY A. AMERICAN & MASQUE DE DISCO
Vs
SAURIA & KRUG-GAR

Truly a battle of natural enemies, Man vs Beast, Disco vs Monkey, America vs Literally Anything, both of these teams came into this match with something to prove and they proceeded to prove that Sauria and Krug-Gar are not really all that good as a team. Certainly the wild monkeyman and the more laidback lizard were fine on their own but any attempt at teamwork was stymied by the inherent disconnect between mammalian and lizard brains. Also Sauria clearly wanted some of that good kush Bob was smoking and he was more than happy to oblige (the doctor admonishing him for ‘CORRUPTING MY FREAKISH LIZARD DAUGHTEXPERMIMENT!’), leaving Krug to fend for himself -taking after her father it seemed. Masque De Disco eventually provided the nail in Krug’s coffin by having a discoball lowered and dazzling the pugnacious primitive with the lights, leaving him open for a full nelson slam by Definitely A. American for the pin.

WINNERS VIA PINFALL:
MASQUE DE DISCO & DEFINITELY A. AMERICAN

Killer:
“Yes! America does Satan’s bidding again!”

Mercy:
“Curse you, American, I’d expect this from Disco but not from you!”

Diaboliculus:
“And now we find ourselves at a score of 2-1 in favor of the forces of darkness. AMAZING WHAT CATS, PATRIOTISM, AND DISCO CAN DO FOR THE DEVIL!

Mercy:
“You horrible man, have you no heart? Send me a proper champion!”

Killer:
“Oh yeah because someone fitting to serve *you* is going to be a real world-beater.”

Bob:
“Doc, man, these two are harshing my mellow. Can you just give them what they want?”

Diaboliculis:

“VERY WELL, I SHALL ENSURE YOUR NEXT TWO CHAMPIONS ARE ‘FITTING’, BEHOLD, FOR THE QUITE LITERAL KAREN FROM HELL!”

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“Sup?”

Killer:
“Oh hell yeah, a demon? I got a demon! Now we’re talking!”

Diaboliculis:
“AND FOR THE NUN HALFWAY TO EMULATING EVE!”

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“La la la la la laaaaaa~ Well hello everyone, has anyone seen a handsome prince around? Or princess, I’m not picky.”

Mercy:
“Oh…oh dear.”

Diaboliculis:
“NO TAKESIES BACKSIES! COMMENCE TO BATTLING!”

BATTLE OF HEAVEN AND HELL
MATCH 4:
DEVIL MCSATANMAN VS THE GLITTER PRINCESS

An utter mismatch in every sense of the world, criminally so in fact. We cannot describe to you what occurred in this match for fear we will be kicked off this christian sub-forum. Suffice it to say we’re already getting the bills for the therapy sessions so it’ll be a wonder if we’re financially solvent by the time we do another of these shows. Here’s hoping, right…by the way the link to our Ko-Fi is-

WINNER VIA COMPLETE AND UTTER DOMINATION:

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“Hehe. What fun.”

Killer:

“Uhhhh…”

Mercy:
“Erm…”

McSatanman:
“MY BLOOOOD! SHE BROKE MY BONES WITH MY OWN BLOOOOOOD!”

Bob:
“...what the $#@!, Doc!?”

Diaboliculis:
“What? I never said what place she was princess of. MANY PLACES IN THE FAEWILD HAVE A PRINCESS!”

Mercy:
“I’m just going to…keep away from the ring until she leaves.”

Killer:
“Same. And also keep you in tripping distance in case she starts a chase.”

Diaboliculis:
“AHA, THE SPONSORS HAVE DECIDED TO HIDE, UNFORTUNATE BUT THAT MEANS WE MAY CONTINUE THE BOUTS WITH MINIMAL COMEDIC INTERLUDES! VERY WELL, ALLOW FINAL MATCHES TO PLAY OUT BEFORE WE ARE REMOVED FOR A MUNICIPAL YOGA CLASS!”

BATTLE OF HEAVEN AND HELL
MATCH 5:
FAITH FORCE & SILENT MIME (God)
VS
SQUIRE DANGERSTACHE ESQ. & HUMAN HOTDOG (Devil)

The enthusiastic devotee to THE FORCE teamed with the exact opposite to her in every way against an old associate of the Doctor in Dangerstache and…a guy in a hot dog suit. Why is there a guy in a hot dog suit? Why is his natural bounciness the apparent counter to Faith’s many power moves? Why is he only thwarted by Silent Mime conjuring an invisible angry Chicagoan to chase him off for not being a ‘real’ hot dog? Why is the Squire immediately defeated afterwards by Faith’s superior brawn? Oh it’s a wrestling show, that makes sense. Also hey God takes the lead, ain’t that something?

WINNERS VIA PINFALL: FAITH FORCE & SILENT MIME

Diaboliculis:
“NO TIME FOR MORE COMEDY, WE MUST DECIDE THIS! I CAN ALREADY HEAR THE BARKING OF THE DOWNWARD DOGS!”

BATTLE OF HEAVEN AND HELL
MATCH 6:
SARAH ALLSTAR (God) VS SWASHBUCKLER (DEVIL)

As everyone knows, Cheerleaders are right up there with Saints in terms of God’s favor and Pirates are His natural enemies so this entire match tracks. Swashbuckler came to the ring ready to tie things back up for the Devil, swinging around a cutlass and attempting to straight up murder his opponent by bringing it down on her head in the early goings. Unfortunately for him, she did a picture perfect Sis-Boom-Bladeblock between her pom-poms and kicked him directly in the Davy Jones Locker, allowing her to get the early advantage. Swashbuckler’s nefarious cheating ways would get him a few moments of control in the bout but Sarah’s peppy attitude and the Blue Corner’s willingness to chant along with her routines gave her a clear powerup. Buckler would go to the well one too many times, attempting a second rope something or other that Sarah sidestepped and countered with an pom-pom assisted discus punch. With her foe down, Sarah ran to the ropes and executed a picture perfect handspring before jumping in the air and nailing her Dismount Legdrop for the pinfall win, securing victory for God Almighty!

WINNER VIA PINFALL: SARAH ALLSTAR

Diaboliculis:

“HURRAH, WE HAVE A VICTOR! THE SKY PAPA HAS DEFEATED HIS NEMESIS AN INDETERMINATE AMOUNT OF TIME BEFORE REVELATION!”

Mercy:
“Phew…did NOT want to deal with what would’ve happened if the devil-”

Killer:
“THIS! IS! BULL%$#$$#%#$#$#$!”

Diaboliculis:
“CALM YOURSELF, KAREN, THERE IS NO NEED TO SHOUT!”

Killer:
“YOU HOODWINKED ME, ALL THAT JUST TO HAVE THE SIDE OF GOOD WIN!? I-I-I-...”

Diaboliculis:
“Don’t do something you will regret!”

Killer:
“I WANNA SEE YOUR MANAGER!”

Diaboliculis:
“Wow you ARE a Karen.”

Suddenly the lights go out again and Karen is illuminated with a spotlight. Angelic harp music plays as she is slowly lifted up and up and up towards the ceiling before the lights come back on and she’s gone.

Bob:
“...what?”

Mercy:
“Oh, I guess my manager wanted to have a chat. Well everyone I hope this has been an important lesson for you all, God always triumphs over evil, please get your affairs in order before the rapture and I’ll see you-”

Diaboliculis:
“Hehehehe…”

Mercy:
“Is something funny, Doctor?”

Diaboliculis:
“Silly girl, THERE WILL BE NO RAPTURE!”

Mercy:
“Wh-what!?”

Diaboliculis:
“YOU AGREED THAT THIS WOULD SETTLE THINGS ONCE AND FOR ALL! BY THE RULES, THE ENTIRE BOOK OF REVELATION IS VOID!”

Mercy:
“No…no but the second coming!”

Diaboliculis:
“RENDERED MOOT BY YOUR FOOLISH NEED TO PROVE SUPERIORITY BEFORE ITS TIME! MWAHAHAHA~!”

Mercy:
“You…you monster, I…you…I’ll get you for this! I’ll find a way to end the world like any good person would!”

Diaboliculis:
“TRY ALL YOU LIKE, SISTER, TRY ALL YOU LIKE!”

Mercy flees the ring as Diaboliculis cackles and the lights go out on the first ever NOPE show.

Bob:
“...so anybody got some of that good $#@%? I think I need it after tonight.”

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uI7in6IEgUNsB90c3WTK-RAsKYj-iz11vz0hd1Nz
"SURPRISE I COME AGAIN! WELL WELL WELL, IT WOULD APPEAR THAT OUR FIRST SHOW HAS MADE A BOLD STATEMENT! AND NOT JUST BECAUSE I COULD NOT MAKE THE TEXT UNBOLD ITSELF!"

"THE MONTH IS FEBRUARY AND IT IS TIME TO MAKE LOVE NOT WAR, THAT IS WHAT THE GREETING CARD COMPANIES WANT! SO BEHOLD!"

NOPE PRESENTS:
THAT LOVING FEELING

MAIN EVENT MATRIMONIAL MAYHEM

TWENTY ENTITY BATTLE ROYALE
WINNER GETS TO MARRY WHOEVER THEY WANT
Battering Lamb, Crumblewhiskers, Twinklejinx, King Juggamuffin, Chuckles the Clown, Smiles the Clown, Mr. Giggles, Mr. Froggle, Definitely A. American, Enigmatico, Krug Gar, Masque De Disco, Sarah Allstar, Sauria, Silent Mime, Swashbuckler, The Jockey, Squire Dangerstache Esq., Crab Man, & The Glitter Princess


WHEN TOPS FLIRT
FAITH FORCE VS THE ANVIL!!!!!!!!
NO DISQUALIFICATIONS


WE NEEDED A THIRD ONE
COCKROACH CARTER VS ENCERRADA DORADA

 

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MAIN EVENT MATRIMONIAL MAYHEM
TWENTY ENTITY BATTLE ROYALE
WINNER GETS TO MARRY WHOEVER THEY WANT
Battering Lamb, Crumblewhiskers, Twinklejinx, King Juggamuffin, Chuckles the Clown, Smiles the Clown, Mr. Giggles, Mr. Froggle, Definitely A. American, Enigmatico, Krug Gar, Masque De Disco, Sarah Allstar, Sauria, Silent Mime, Swashbuckler, The Jockey, Squire Dangerstache Esq., Crab Man, & The Glitter Princess

WHEN TOPS FLIRT
FAITH FORCE VS THE ANVIL!!!!!!!!
NO DISQUALIFICATIONS

WE NEEDED A THIRD ONE
COCKROACH CARTER VS ENCERRADA DORADA
 

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THAT LOVING FEELING PREDICTIONS

MAIN EVENT MATRIMONIAL MAYHEM
TWENTY ENTITY BATTLE ROYALE
WINNER GETS TO MARRY WHOEVER THEY WANT
Masque De Disco wins over Battering Lamb, Crumblewhiskers, Twinklejinx, King Juggamuffin, Chuckles the Clown, Smiles the Clown, Mr. Giggles, Mr. Froggle, Definitely A. American, Enigmatico, Krug Gar, Sarah Allstar, Sauria, Silent Mime, Swashbuckler, The Jockey, Squire Dangerstache Esq., Crab Man, & The Glitter Princess

WHEN TOPS FLIRT
FAITH FORCE def. THE ANVIL!!!!!!!!
NO DISQUALIFICATIONS

WE NEEDED A THIRD ONE
ENCERRADA DORADA def. COCKROACH CARTER

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NoPE: That Loving Feeling
Live from: Orlando, Florida

Attendance: 95


The *Second* ever NoPE show opened with-

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"ME, I AM STARTING THE SHOW, BE SILENT!"

The crowd is confused by this outburst.

Diaboliculis:
"NOT YOU, YOU CHEER!"

So they do.

Diaboliculis:
"HURRAH! WELCOME LOVER BOYS, GIRLS, PEOPLE WHO ARE BOTH OR NEITHER OR STANDING NEXT TO A SODA MACHINE LIKE A PERVERT!"

Soda Machine Guy:
"Hey!"

Diaboliculis:
"YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID! TONIGHT WE BRING YOU THE CHANCE OF A LIFETIME, THE ONE AND ONLY OPPORTUNITY TO GET HITCHED TO A LOVELY WRESTLER! OR A HORRIFYING AND GROSS ONE! I CAN'T TELL WHO WILL WIN THE MASSIVE CLUSTERED FUNK I HAVE MADE THE MAIN EVENT! BUT THE WINNER SHALL CHOOSE A BEAU TO BEWED, IT COULD BE YOU, IT COULD BE ME, IT COULD BE THE GHOST OF SAM STRONG! SO GUSSY YOURSELVES UP, OR MAKE  YOURSELVES AS HOMELY AS POSSIBLE, THE PREFERENCES OF THE FREAKS I'M THROWING IN THAT RING ARE A TECHNICOLOR RAINBOW THAT WOULD MAKE ALL THE APPS THAT END IN A 'DR' SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST! IT IS ROMANTIC RUSSIAN ROULETTE TONIGHT AND ALREADY BEING MARRIED IS *NOT* A DEALBREAKER! BUT FIRST I-"

"Bachapacha~"

Diaboliculis:
"I-"

"Sprrrrrroooooooodle~"

Diaboliculis:
"I said I-"

"Spingadingadingading~!"

Diaboliculis:
"I swear if that's what I think it is I'm going to-"

Suddenly from beneath the ring springs-

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"SHPOOBLES!"

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"AH! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU!?"

Diaboliculis:
"I KNEW IT! YOU LITTLE CRIME OF SCIENCE GO AWAY! SHOO! SHOO I SAY!"

The mysterious creature does not go away, instead trundling over to sit next to Bob at the commentary desk, putting on a headset.

Creature:
"Shpabibby! Hooble dooble! Scaramamamamamamamamamamamamamamamamamamamama-"

Bob:
"This is the worst trip of my life, maaaaan...Doc what IS this thing?"

Diaboliculis stomps over to commentary and yanks the headset off the monstrosity's noggin.

Diaboliculis:
"GIVE ME THAT! This, Bobbert, is the worst decision I ever made in my life. As a supervillain it is of course my remit to create monstrous monsters to fight heroes with. One night I made a bet with my dear associate Squire Dangerstache Esq. that I could create a world ending hellbeast after downing an entire bottle of brandy."

Bob:
"And..."

Diaboliculis:
"And when I woke up, BEHOLD-"

Creature:
"BEEPOLD!"

Diaboliculis:
"SHUT UP!"

Bob:
"A furby from hell?"

Diaboliculis:
"Precisely, apparently I named it The Grumbling and it hasn't left me alone ever since, no matter WHERE I lock it up."

Grumbling:
"Prrrrrremamamamamamama-"

Bob:
"Please tell me it's not gonna be here all night. Ya gotta have some way to get rid of it."

Diaboliculis:
"That I do my Kush-loving Comrade! HEY! LOOK OVER THERE!"

The Grumbling does as it is told and the Doctor promptly stabs it in the back with a comically large knife. It flops on the desk and the Doctor calmly takes his seat.

Bob:
"Uhhhhh..."

Diaboliculis:
"Weep not for the fuschia furby, Bobbert, this is merely a temporary solution like stabbing a vampire in the liver. You'll see what I mean before the night is out. For now...BACKSTORY, BEHOLD!"

We cut from this to a storybook entitled: "Goldilocks Y Las Tres Osos" which opens to an idyllic fairy tale forest with a pathway leading between the trees.

Narrator: 
"Once upon a time there was a little girl named Goldilocks-"

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"La la la, dum dee dum dum~"

Along the path trots a young  lady with flowing blonde locks.

Narrator:
"One day Goldilocks decided to go for a walk in the woods, because it was like the 1200's or something and that's all there was to do aside from getting the plague."

Goldilocks:
"They haven't invented rights yet, women's or otherwise, I'm safer among the wolves!"

Continuing along the path, Goldie finds herself in a clearing with-

Narrator:
"Hey, I'm narrating here! Continuing along the path, Goldie found herself in a clearing with three rings!"

Goldilocks:
"Rings? Hurray I'm rich!"

Narrator:
"No, wrestling rings."

Goldilocks:
"In the middle ages?"

Narrator:
"Shush. Entering the first ring, Goldey took a bump, but that ring was too hard."

Goldilocks:
"Ouchies!"

Narrator:
"Entering the second ring, Goldey took a bump, but that ring was too soft."

Goldilocks:
"How is that a prob-"

RRRRRRIP!

THUD!

Goldilocks:
"OUCHIES!"

Narrator:
"But in the third and final ring she took a bump and it was juuuust right."

Goldilocks:
"Ok but it still hurts though."

Narrator:
"That may be true, but this ring also had a teacher!"

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"Hey wassup I'm the Two-Outta-Three Falls Bear."

Goldilocks:
"I am...terrified of you."

Narrator:
"Under the bear's tutelage, she learned the magical art of Lucha Libre and became..."

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Narrator:
"Encerrada Dorada!"

Dorada:
"This gimmick got a poor rating, does it show?"

Narrator:
"Please don't question how she's somehow 800 years old."

Bear:
"Or how come I have DAVE merch in medieval times. In fact why don't we just go to her match, ok? Ok."

ENCERRADA DORADA VS COCKROACH CARTER
Somehow bad even by UNProfessional Wrestling standards, Cockroach Carter-according to the Doc-was here to lobby for a show to relitigate the 'War of Northern Aggression' and apparently Diaboliculis gave him this match to see if he'd consider it. Thankfully for everyone involved, Dorada beat him pillar to post and aside from nearly dropping her on her dome in a basic scoopslam, Carter got very little in the way of offense. Dorada finished the Confederate Cockroach with a kick that was too high, then a kick that was too low, then one that was juuuuuust right for the victory. Doctor Diaboliculis promptly played Union Dixie as loud as he could until the Cockroach scuttled away.

WINNER VIA PINFALL: ENCERRADA DORADA

Diaboliculis:
"THE GIRL TRAINED BY A MYSTICAL CHAINSMOKER HAS TRIUMPHED! THE SOUTH REMAINS THE MOST DEFEATED PART OF AMERICA! TENNESSEE ERNIE FORD FOR EVERYBODY!"

Bob:
"Boss can we get rid of the weird Furby's corpse, he's starting to smell..."

Diaboliculis:
"Oh he always smells like that, your weed-addled nostrils are merely regaining a sense of normalcy."

Bob:
"Remove. Furby."

Diaboliculis:
"No. NOW WE HAVE MULTIPLE MEMBERS OF THE ROSTER WHO WE'VE POSED THE WONDERFUL QUESTION OF WHO THEY WOULD MARRY IF THEY WIN THE MAIN EVENT! LET US SEE THEIR ANSWERS!"

We cut to a conveyor belt of promos from the roster on who they would marry!

Diaboliculis:
"I ALREADY SAID THIS!"

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"TWO FOUR SIX EIGHT WHO'D I MATRIMONIATE!? DON'T KNOW! DON'T KNOW! UP! FOR! DE! BATE!"

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"Someone I could count on...in a pinch! ........in a pinch! ......................IN A PIN-"

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"YES, FELLOW AMERICANS, I WOULD MARRY ONLY WOMAN IN HEART OF PROUD AMERICAN FROM AMERICA, GLORIOUS MOTHERLAND OF AMERICA WILL BE MY BRIDE!"

Crew Member:
"You're marrying your mother?"

"WHAT!? NO IS NOT WHAT I SAID-!"

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"Krug-Gar marry banana tree, get all banana Krug-Gar want."

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"It would need to be someone who can keep up with my rigorous routine. Every morning I somersault out of bed and one finger salute the pewter statue of Satan in my bedroom, then I get in some plotting, a light brunch, then some scheming, practice my rope-tying for any damsels that need put onto train tracks-OH also? They need to have an exceptionally large inheritance that I can murder their relatives and then themselves to get, absolute plus there."

Diaboliculis:
"HAHAHA, OH THAT SQUIRE ESQUIRE, HE ALWAYS KNOWS THE BEST WAY TO SPEND THE DAY!"

Bob:
"That dude in the mask is absolutely a Russian, isn't he?"

Diaboliculis:
"Nonsense, Bobbert. Crabs have been illegal in Russia since 1907."

Bob:
"Not him the other guy!"

Diaboliculis:
"Gibbons are also illegal, by order of the Tsar."

Bob:
"Ugh, there ain't enough kush in the world..."

Diaboliculis:
"NOT IF MY FLAMETHROWER HAS ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT! NOW ONWARD, WE MUST WITNESS THE COURTSHIP OF THOSE WITH PAINTED FACES!"

NO-DQ MATCH
FAITH FORCE VS THE ANVIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's a clash of titans in the second bout of the evening as the woman with less degrees of separation to Kevin Bacon than Jim Force takes on the man with the most exclamation points in wrestling! Out of the gate it's pure unadulterated 80's house show stalling as both of them traded shoulder blocks, tests of strength, and bearhugs, looking to the crowd for approval. With the fans receptive it went to stage two of the musclebound bruiser mating dance as they began beating the everloving crap out of each other and boy oh boy do they like toys on the first date.

The toys are steel chairs. It is horribly violent.

The end comes when THE ANVIL!!!!!!!! fell afoul of that oldest of tropes when he set up a table in a corner only to turn around into a spear from Faith who smashed him directly into, both wrestlers laying in the wreckage for a long time...a really long time...a rather absurdly large amount of time...uhhhhh...

Diaboliculis:
"MORE DEATH!? UNACCEPTABLE, ONLY THE GRUMBLING IS ALLOWED TO DIE! REFEREE CHECK THEM BOTH!"

The referee dutifully stepped over to nudge them with his shoe only for them to roll out of the ring. Together. Smooching.

Bob:
"Wait the romance thing wasn't just a bit were they actually getting turned-?"

As if in answer the two stood, still snogging -to use the british parlance- and stumbled away from the ring wrapped up in a testosterone-fueled embrace before disappearing into the night.

DRAW VIA SOULMATES

Bob:
"Huh, well, probably not the craziest episode of 'How I Met Your Mother'."

Diaboliculis:
"THIS IS STILL UNACCEPTABLE! THIS IS UTTERLY UNACCEP-TABLE, DESK, AND ARMOIR! WE NEED A FILL IN MATCH BEFORE THE MAIN EVENT! GRUMBLING!"

Bob:
"You talking to the dead body or just saying that-?"

Grumbling:
"Plimbis!"

The Grumbling's 'corpse' suddenly comes back to life, knife still in its back.

Bob:
"ZOMBIE FURBY!"

Diaboliculis:
"PROVE YOUR WORTH AND ENTER THE RING!"

Grumbling:
"Skidaddle skidoodle!"

The Grumbling vaults over the announce desk and enters the ring, twirling around and making more obnoxious noises.

Diaboliculis:
"ATTENTION WALLFLOWERS I DID NOT INVITE TO THE MARRIAGE BATTLE ROYAL! YOU NOW HAVE A MATCH! FIRST...THREE OR SO OF YOU TO GET HERE WILL BATTLE MY HIDEOUS MUTANT! COME FORTH!"

In answer a trio of weirdos make their way to the ring:

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Diaboliculis:
"NOW FIGHT FOR MY AMUSEMENT!"

FOUR-WAY FRACAS
THE GRUMBLING VS SAMHAIN VS HUMAN HOTDOG VS THE CANNIBAL


The match was an uphill battle for the Cannibal from the word go. How could he, an eater of specifically humans, hope to devour even one of a mutant furby, a hot dog, and a...scarecrow? Evil halloween spirit? Whatever he is he isn't human so no nom nom for Canni. As he wrestled with this conundrum his opponents wrestled with each other, the Grumbling getting ganged up on by the other two because he is horrible and nobody likes him. However the alliance between Halloween and Halloweinies would not last long and soon Hotdog would hit the Stunbun on Samhain for a quick victory for processed meats everywhere.

WINNER VIA PINFALL: HUMAN HOTDOG

Hotdog does not have long to celebrate however as Cannibal slams into him and begins angrily beating him down, stomping around the ring in frustration at the lack of longpig to have a meal of and tossing everyone out of the ring...nobody explains why this is happening so nobody gets the joke and it's kind of embarrassing. Whoops.

Diaboliculis:
"WELL THAT WAS HORRIBLE, YOU'RE ALL FIRED EXCEPT THE HOT DOG AND THE GRUMBLING! AND THE GRUMBLING ONLY GETS TO STAY BECAUSE HE HAS NO CONCEPT FOR CONTRACTUAL OBLIGATIONS!"

Grumbling:
"Spipples!"

Diaboliculis pulls out his revolver and the Grumbling flees.

Diaboliculis:
"Well two matches and two terminations later it is time...FOR MATRIMONY! LET THE MATCH COMMENCE SO I CAN STOP SAYING THAT WORD ALREADY!"

TWENTY ENTITY BATTLE ROYALE
WINNER GETS TO MARRY WHOEVER THEY WANT

Battering Lamb, Crumblewhiskers, Twinklejinx, King Juggamuffin, Chuckles the Clown, Smiles the Clown, Mr. Giggles, Mr. Froggle, Definitely A. American, Enigmatico, Krug Gar, Masque De Disco, Sarah Allstar, Sauria, Silent Mime, Swashbuckler, The Jockey, Squire Dangerstache Esq., Crab Man, & The Glitter Princess

Just as the match began-
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"BATTERING...LAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMBBBBBBB!!!!"

Battering Lamb charged across the ring, trying to headbutt anyone in his way-

-And got back body dropped over the top rope by King Juggamuffin for the first elimination.

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"OOH! OOH! ME NEXT! ME NEXT!"

The Glitter Princess went running and got thrown out on top of the Lamb. Scrambling up and running back in the ring.

"AGAIN! AGAIN!"

The other wrestlers tried to explain that she was eliminated but uh-

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"I. SAID. AGAIN!"

The Princess stomped her foot and everyone took a bump, scrambling up on spaghetti legs, they were met with...

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"OH. I GET IT. YOU WANT A TURN! LEMME HELP!"

The terrifying fairy princess proceeded to begin effortlessly tossing opponents out of the ring, successfully removing Krug-Gar, all three Jellicle Cats, The Clowns and uh-

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Whatever this was.

Even the combined efforts of the remaining participants only saw Crab Man, Masque De Disco, and newcomer Enigmatico join her dubious elimination count, however one devious mind involved in the match hatched a malicious plan...

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"HEY YOUR HIGHNESS! DID YOU KNOW IF YOU MARRY SOMEONE THEY TAKE YOUR NAME?"

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"TAKE...MY NAME? NO...NOOOOO! NO ONE MUST KNOW MY TRUE NAME! TRICKSY DOCTOR YOU WILL NOT BIND ME SO EASILY!"

Mercifully, the Princess fled the ring and the remaining competitors of Sauria, Swashbuckler, Squire Dangerstache Esq., Sarah Allstar, The Jockey, Silent Mime, Definitely A. American breathed a sigh of relief...then started beating on each other as nature intended. An unlikely alliance of Sauria and Swashbuckler succeeded in sending Jockey and Silent Mime to the floor before being tossed out by Definitely A. American. Allstar put some pep in her step to go for a handspring elbow on the Squire, but found herself caught in a backdrop that put her over the top rope and out to the floor. Down to the dubious patriot and the scheming villain, the chants of USA for D.A.A were deafening as he unleashed a patriotic pummeling on Dangerstache, hunkering down to finish him off with the classic Three Point Stance. However, the Squire retrieved one of Allstar's pompoms and threw them into the charging masked man's face, causing him to break off his trajectory and stagger directly into a field goal kick between his legs. His foe stunned successfully, the Squire struck him down further with a vicious cutter before tossing him from the ring and winning the right to marry whoever he pleased.

WINNER VIA RINGOUT: SQUIRE DANGERSTACHE ESQ.

With the fans booing, Doctor Diaboliculis enters the ring to interview the victorious Squire.

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"MY CONGRATULATIONS, SQUIRE OLD FRIEND! ONCE AGAIN IT IS NOT THE SIZE OF THE DOG IN THE FIGHT BUT THE SIZE OF THE BOOT TO THE LARGER DOG'S CROTCH!"

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"The result was never in doubt, dear Doctor, but let's not spend time on idle palaver, I must declare who I'll be marrying!"

Diaboliculis:
"Of course, Squire, of course! Please inform for me who you wish to be your Hubsbride!"

Dangerstache:
"The only person in the world for me is...whoever makes the most money in this company!"

Diaboliculis:
"Money?"

Dangerstache:
"Of course, it is the root of all evil and I am quite an evil tree! So tell me, who is making the most money around here!"

Diaboliculis:
"Wellllll...there is a promising talent I am paying quite a bit of money..."

Dangerstache:
"Very good!"

Diaboliculis:
"Buuuuut...she isn't here. The ink has only just dried, my friend, it will be...next month before she will arrive!"

Dangerstache:
"Then I shall spend this week preparing the assassi-I mean wedding ceremony! I shall see you thirty days hence! FAREWELL!"

Dangerstache leaves the ring to more boos but there is a buzz of intrigue to the new signing.

Diaboliculis:
"Well well, a mysterious wedding next month? If I were you all I would already be pre-ordering my tickets! BUT THEN AGAIN IF I WERE YOU ALL I WOULD BE VENDING MACHINE GUY AND THAT'D MAKE ME TERRIBLE, JUUUUUUST TERRIBLE!"

Vending Machine Guy:
"Words hurt, man."

Diaboliculis:
"RETURN IN ONE MONTH'S TIME! ACTION! INTRIGUE! ROMANCE! ONLY IN NOPE CAN THESE BE FOUND, I DEMAND YOUR PRESENCE AND YOUR MONEY! MOSTLY YOUR MONEY! BEGONE!"

The lights go out.

Bob:
"Man this announce desk still smells like Grumbling..."

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uI7in6IEgUNsB90c3WTK-RAsKYj-iz11vz0hd1Nz
"AHA DID YOU EXPECT NOT ME? TOO BAD IT IS ME! LOVE HAS TRIUMPHED OVER ALL, AND BY LOVE I MEAN OPEN ATTEMPTS TO MARRY FOR MONEY! BUT ENOUGH OF MY DEAR FRIEND'S LOVELIFE, I AM NOT A GOSSIPING SPINSTER! I PRESENT TO YOU FOOLS ANOTHER CHOICE!"

"INDEED, A SECOND CHALLENGE HAS BEGUN SO I MUST ASK YOU ALL TO MAKE YOUR CHOICE:"

"REINDEER OR CAMEL!"

"In addition, I shall give you a chance to guess who it is that our beloved Squire Dangerstache Esq. is to bewed! Eagle-eared listeners will know that she is a woman but I give a further hint...

:(

"GUESS IF YOU DARE AND JOIN ME AT NOPE: BANANA BEAR BABUSHKA...who named this one? The Grumbling? No he doesn't know how to speech...BAH!"

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