No Pros Wrestling: Is this Wrestling? (*clap clap clap-clap-clap*)

[smw88]

CLAUSE REED & LUMBER JACKSON

[Pteroid]

NOPE MOOMIN INFIDELITY
LIVE FROM: ORLANDO, FLORIDA

ATTENDANCE: 107

Moomin Infidelity and the accompanying tag team tournament for a comically oversized meat tenderizer opens with the bizarre sight of our dear Doctor inside what can best be described as a glass case at ringside.


"I MUST BE PROTECTED FROM ANGRY SQUIRES! I AM TOLD THESE BOXES ARE USED FOR POPES! TO JAIL THEM! THE POWER OF CHRIST CANNOT PIERCE VERY THICK GLASS!"


"Somehow this is like...about as weird as commentating next to a dead body."

Diaboliculis:
"BY GOD YOU'RE RIGHT! I WON'T BE ABLE TO KILL THE GRUMBLING FROM IN HERE! TAKE UP MY SWORD, BOBBERT!"

Bob:
"Hell no, I am not interacting with that thing even a little bit."

Diaboliculis:
"BOLD OF YOU TO ASSUME THE GRUMBLING WILL NOT INTERACT WITH YOU! THEY ARE VERY INTERACTIVE!"

Bob:
"Wait, they? Shit I've been using he/him is-?"

Diaboliculis:
"NO! HE IS NOW PLURAL! ...NOT THE IDENTITY I MEAN THERE'S TWO OF HIM NOW!"

Bob:
"WHAT!?"

Diaboliculis:
"THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH THE EVENT PREVIEWS, BEHOLD!"

Coming to the ring to the dulcet tones of nonsense grunts and a couple Rammstein samples is The Grumbling and his...brother? Clone? Pokemon Regional Variant? It's El Grumblo and he's just as disturbing to look at and hard to understand, just with more El's in front of what he's saying! Bob starts beating on the glass box like Eric Andre.

Bob:
"LEMME IN! LEMME IIIIIIIINNNNN!"

Diaboliculis:
"NEVER! STAY OUT THERE AND HOLD YOUR BREATH, THE SPORES ARE INFECTIOUS!"

Bob:
"THE F***ING WHAT!?"

Bob continues to try and get to safety as the two freaks cavort about the ring like circus monkeys, the maddening nonsense of their theme abruptly cutting off in favor of-
 

A D-Tier Johnny Cash song! This ode to manliness is so on the nose it can only be for:


THESE GUYS!


"Don't forget me, now!"

Led by Bucks Quintillion, the team of Clause Reed and Lumber Jackson make their way to the ring for the beginning of the...oh crap DOC YOU DIDN'T NAME THE TOURNAMENT!

Diaboliculis:
"THE EVENT IS NAMED!"

We can't call it the Moomin Infidelity Tournament!

Diaboliculis:
"Or what, we lose sponsors!? THE VIDEO GAME DOES NOT WORK THIS WAY!"

Bob:
"Oh christ the spores got in the box too, we're all doomed!"

The first round of the...Moomin Infidelity Tournament.

MOOMIN INFIDELITY TOURNAMENT
ROUND 1
GRUMBLING, PLURAL VS THE CLEAR CUTTERS w/ BUCKS QUINTILLION

On paper this looks like an easy win for the Clear Cutters but you shouldn't count the Grumblings so easily. Sure they're smaller, less muscular, less experienced, more prone to dying, and not bankrolled by a morally dubious personification of unchecked capitalism but-

DOUBLE POLISH HAMMER

-...oh.

WINNERS VIA PINFALL: THE CLEAR CUTTERS

Diaboliculis:
"EXCELLENT WORK, WAGE SLAVES, NOW PLEASE BURN THEM!"

Bob:
"Will that help?"

Diaboliculis:
"NO BUT IT'LL BE FUNNY!"

Quintillion:
"Sorry Doc but I got this whole carbon offset thing going on, can't go creating more emissions that I can't say I planted some sapling in Switzerland to make up for!"

Quintillion and his employees wander off.

Diaboliculis:
"Square! Very well, let our second battle commence!"


"RAAAAARGH!"

Storming out from the back and looking hungrier than ever is the Cannibal, his partner nowhere in sight.

Bob:
"Oh hell he didn't eat her did he?"


"Eat me? No no that's what you do to get smaller where I'm from!"

Bob:
"AHHHHHH!"

Glitter Princess:
"Hehe, I think you should partake of your herbs more, hairy man, you're very stressed."

Cannibal:
"GRRRRGH!"

Princess:
"Hm?"

Cannibal looms over Bob and the Glitter Princess, sniffing briefly at our announcer before crinkling his nose and moving onto the Princess, baring his teeth.

Princess:
"Ooh, thinking of having a bite? I wouldn't recommend it!"


"I'm the snack that bites back~"

The Cannibal recoils and rolls into the ring, backing off from her.

Princess:
"Smart boy, now I'll just be hanging out here with the tag rope until you need me."


Oh also the clowns are here too. FIGHT!

MOOMIN INFIDELITY TOURNAMENT
FIRST ROUND MATCH
GLITTER PRINCESS & THE CANNIBAL VS CLOWNS

The clowns are luckily too creepy for Cannibal to classify them as potential eating targets so they dominate the majority of the early goings by isolating him from his corner and forcefeeding him punches to the gob. The Princess waits patiently in her corner, checking her wrist like there's a watch on it until her lumbering partner manages to shake off his bullies and hot tag her in. The Glitter Princess skips into the ring and faces down both clowns who look at one another before retrieving some things to even the odds.


Glitter Princess smiles.

[REDACTED]

WINNERS VIA [REDACTED]:
THE CANNIBAL & THE GLITTER PRINCESS

Diaboliculis:
"I WAS NOT AWARE A SPINE COULD BEND THAT WAY!"

Bob:
"Please...boss please let me in there!"

Diaboliculis:
"Hmm...no! But I must wonder and the clowns must too, wherefore did the third one go?"

The Doc's question is answered by-


The third clown falling onto the ground just past the entrance curtain and-


The Jellicle Cats showing up behind him, taunting the clowns with their far too gyrate-y movements as they taunt their rivals.

Diaboliculis:
"Aha! Those Jellicle sorts must have taken umbrage to my snubbing them from my tournament!"

Bob:
"Hey yeah why didn't you give them a spot?"

Diaboliculis:
"I don't like them! But the forever war of clowns and cats bother me not, what does bother me are these confounded dalliances my dearest crime against nature daughter is having with that scurvy scallywag sweetheart of hers! I would intervene in their next match but alas I am perfect safe inside my Pope Box 9000!"

Bob:
"More's the pity, let's get to the action!"

MOOMIN INFIDELITY TOURNAMENT
FIRST ROUND MATCH
SAURIA & SWASHBUCKLER VS CRAB RAVE

There are two things apparent from the start of the match: Sauria and Swashbuckler are madly in love and Crab Rave are more than happy to help fan the flames of love, much to the Doctor's chagrin. Usually in wrestling when a table is set up, someone's going through it, instead here Sauria and Swashbuckler are given a hefty plate of Crab Rangoon from Crab Man (apparently stealing Cannibal's gimmick) while Masque De Disco DJ'd some classic 70's mood music. As the fans looked on, Swashbuckler and Sauria flirted and made small talk before throwing themselves across the table at each other to smooch in the throes of passion, proceeding to roll across the ring and onto both Crab Man and Disco, pinning them in the process.

Love Conquers All. I think? It's very clearly lust to me but whatevs.

WINNERS VIA PINFALL:
SAURIA & SWASHBUCKLER

Diaboliculis:
"No! NO! SAURIA GET HIM OUT OF YOUR MOUTH! YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE HE'S BEEN!"

Bob:
"Wow we reeeeally got a bunch of cute couples running around here, huh? The pirate and the genetic experiment, the two metal heads, those two you tricked into getting married via Santa..."

Diaboliculis:
"I DID NO SUCH THING! SQUIRE DANGERSTACHE ESQUIRE IS BEING WHOLLY UNREASONABLE!"


"OH I AM, AM I!?"

Diaboliculis:
"GAH! PROTECT ME BOBBERT!"

Bob:
"You're already in a protective case you bastard!"

Diaboliculis:
"SHIELD ME WITH YOUR BODY!"

Squire Dangerstache Esq. storms over and slams Bob's face against the protective box.

Bob:
"UNGH!"

Dangerstache:
"I'm going to smash your minion against your pathetic safeguard until it breaks apart!"

Bob:
"Whoa whoa whoa whoa, let's not get hasty...y...y'know what's a much better smashing implement? A meat tenderizer!"

Diaboliculis:
"BOBBERT YOU MARY JANE JUDAS, AFTER ALL MY YEARS OF LOYALTY!"

Bob:
"We've known each other for four months and you were a total prick for all of them!"

Dangerstache:
"Yes...yeeeessss...when I win this tournament with my horrible wife, I shall use the grand prize to tenderize your box and then tenderize YOU! MOLLY! GET OUT HERE!"


"Why do we have to fight over a meat tenderizer, I'm a veeeegaaaaan..."

Dangerstache:
"SILENCE, WE MUST USE THE POWER OF OUR TRUE LOVE TO WIN THIS TOURNAMENT AND EXACT REVENGE!"

Molly:
"Revenge is a dish best served reheated in a microwave...like all my christmas dinnersssss..."

Dangerstache:
"THIS IS WHY WE SLEEP IN DIFFERENT BEDS!"

Molly:
"You make me sleep on a pentagram of salt on the floor..."

Dangerstache:
"It's in case I need to sacrifice something to Beelzebub, you should be grateful now GET IN THAT RING!"

Molly trundles into the ring and just kinda lies on the mat until Dangerstache drags her to their corner. Contrasting this loveless hell marriage comes a pair that only recently parted lips:


THE IRON LOVERS

Faith Force & THE ANVIL!!!!!! rush their way out to the ring and immediately hit a double clothesline on the Squire to begin their match!

MOOMIN INFIDELITY TOURNAMENT
ROUND ONE MATCH
SQUIRE DANGERSTACHE ESQ. & MELANCHOLY MOLLY VS THE IRON LOVERS

Faith and THE ANVIL!!!! beat seven shades of sh-er, stuff out of the Squire to start the match and frankly it's hard to empathize with him for being such a jerk. Molly, meanwhile, just sort of lays on the apron, trying to bum some cheetos off a fan until the Squire desperately slaps her hand and flees the ring. Forced to actually wrestle, Molly stands up and faces off with the ANVIL!!!!! who roars in her face and awaits a response.

"I had a dog who could make that noise...he got run over by a subaruuuuuu..."

THE ANVIL!!!!! blinks, looking around and back at Faith Force who shrugs. He beats his chest and goes to bounce off the ropes for a shoulderblock-

"My stepmom was driving it...she made me pay for the damages out of my allowaaaaance..."

ANVIL!!!! stops dead in his tracks like he just took the mother of all haymakers.

"I tried to have a funeral...but a vulture took the whole boooodyyyyyy..."

ANVIL!!!!'s eye twitches, the color drains from his face as he sways back and forth, seemingly punchdrunk from how absurdly sad this woman's life is...

"They made me bury my favorite doll because they'd already dug the hooooole..."

ANVIL!!!!! takes a big back bump, laid out by the sheer Melancholy he just experienced. Molly looks like she's about to pin him before getting a slap on the shoulder by a returning Dangerstache who attempts to pounce on the downed facepainted warrior!
 

1! 2! KICKOUT!

It seems the Melancholy was not complete in its effects as Dangerstache is tossed off THE ANVIL!!!! who desperately tags in Faith! Running wild on the Dangerstache, she ensures he can't get back to his ace in the hole and destroys him with a massive SPEAR for the pin!

WINNERS VIA PINFALL:
THE IRON LOVERS

As we gear up for the second round, The Cannibal wanders out with a sticky note taped to his head. He trundles over to Diaboliculis' box and thumps his head against the glass to get the Doc to read it.

Diaboliculis:
"What is this? A message? 'Dear Docky Wocky Poo-' I hate this already '-I just received word that there is the most delightful baby just begging to be switched with a changeling nearby so I must dash. I'm sure this hungry fellow can do just fine on his own. Tata~ Yours, The Glitter Princess'. Hmm...where oh where did she hear of this baby?"


"Yeah, crazy right?"

Diaboliculis:
"GAH! YOU ARE LIKE A BAD PHRGILLION PENNIES!"

Bucks:
"Hey tough break there, hungry hungry simpo, maybe you'll pull this off on your lonesome."

The Cannibal squints at Bucks, eventually deciding that by virtue of being a capitalist he's not human and dutifully heading to the ring for his second round matchup.

MOOMIN INFIDELITY TOURNAMENT
SECOND ROUND
THE CANNIBAL VS THE CLEAR CUTTERS w/BUCKS QUINTILLION

Truly a monkey's paw for poor Cannibal in this match, finally he's facing his preferred food yet he's at a distinct two on one disadvantage. One that his opponents take full advantage of to beat the living hell out of him and put him down with a sandwiching Polish Hammer for a quick victory.  If only the Princess had been here...

WINNERS VIA PINFALL:
THE CLEAR CUTTERS

MOOMIN INFIDELITY TOURNAMENT
SECOND ROUND
SWASHBUCKLER & SAURIA VS THE IRON LOVERS

Truly a contest of equals here, as Bucks and his boys stuck around ringside the double S's and Iron Lovers clashed in a high-speed high stakes battle. The respect between each couple was clear from the outset but only one could win and in a supreme show of love for his scaly waifu, Swashbuckler dove in front of Faith Force's spear to save her, getting pinned by a visibly respectful Faith...who was immediately attacked from behind by those damned lumberjacks! The finals were on immediately!

WINNERS VIA PINFALL: THE IRON LOVERS

MOOMIN INFIDELITY TOURNAMENT
FINAL ROUND
THE IRON LOVERS VS THE CLEAR CUTTERS

Using the freshness advantage (mmm, pine scent~), the Clear Cutters tried to brawl their way through the Lovers with a punishing array of power moves while keeping Faith Force away from THE ANVIL!!!!!. However, Faith is no fool and managed to leapfrog a back body drop attempt by Clause Reed to tag in THE ANVIL!!!! who ran roughshod over the nefarious Quintillion cronies until the man himself smashed one of the Clear Cutters' axehandles into his back! Weakened, THE ANVIL!!! was pounded on again and again Lumber Jackson and Clause Reed, imperiled by their sheer strength until he countered a double suplex into a suplex on the duo and managed to get his lady love in the ring! Chaos reigned as both sides brawled until Jackson was able to toss ANVIL!!!!! from the ring and (accidentally) onto Bucks on the outside! With Faith outnumbered the dastardly duo tried to hit their signature double Polish Hammer on her, only for Faith to duck and both men to clobber each other and lean together like boxers in a clinch. This gave Faith the opening to hit her spear on the both of them and pin to give the Lovers the tournament victory!

WINNERS VIA PINFALL AND MOOMIN INFIDELITY TOURNAMENT CHAMPIONS:
THE IRON LOVERS

Diaboliculis:
"A WELL DESERVED VICTORY FOR THE TWO FACE PAINTED FACESUCKING FREAKS! BOBBERT, GIVE UNTO THEM MY TENDERIZER!"

Bob tries to lift said Tenderizer but can't seem to really pull it off...

Bob:
"The hell is this thing made of, Doc?"

Diaboliculis:
"AVERAGE MATERIALS, YOU ARE CLEARLY JUST POSSESSED OF ATROPHIED MUSCLES FROM YOUR WEED-BASED DECADENCE! I-oh hello!"

Faith and the Anvil have walked over and the #1 Jim Force fan is surveying her and her beau's prize...

Bob:
"Hey you can lift that sucker if you want, but-"

Faith raises it easily and holds it overhead.

Faith:
"THE GRAND PRIZE AT THE END OF THE CARNAGIOUS CORPSEROAD TO VICTORY WILL FOREVER BE IN OUR POSSESSION, BELOVED ANVIL!!!!!"

ANVIL!!!!:
"THE ANVIL IS PLEASED TO STAND ATOP THE BODIES OF THE VANQUISHED WITH THE MOST FORCETASTIC APEX FEMALE IN ALL OF THE WORLD!!!!!"

Faith:
"TOGETHER WE WILL SET THE WORLD ABLAZE, BUT FIRST...LET'S TEST OUT ITS MAYEMIFICATIVE QUALIFITIES!"

Diaboliculis:
"Oh yes, I WANNA SEE I WANNA SEE YOU SMASH SOMETHING!"

Both of the Lovers look at the most smashable thing around...

Diaboliculis:
"...INSTANT REGRET!"

Faith raises the tenderizer and swings-

CRASH!

-the lights go out on another edition of NoPE!

Bob:
"Y'know what, you were right not to let me in there."

Diaboliculis:
"SHUT IT, BOBBERT!"

[Just here to look]

This is one of the dumbest, worst ideas anyone has a ever had in TEW. I cherish it deeply and if anyone says anything bad about it I will riot.

[KyTeran]

This is probably the craziest dynasty that I have ever read on these forums, and I am loving every second of it.

[Pteroid]

"I'M BACK, FREAKS! PLEASE IGNORE ANY SORENESS OF MY MOVEMENTS I AM LEGALLY DEAD IN FIVE COUNTRIES FOR INSURANCE PURPOSES! Gotta get something out of that hammer fiasco...BUT AHA I AM HERE TO GIVE NEWS!"

"...a certain pirate HOMEWRECKER has against all biological and moral sense has rendered me a Pre-Grandpa. Sauria has been lovingly abducted and taken to an incubation station to watch over her clutch for the foreseeable future. I swear if this ends in new superheroes that buckling swasher is going to GET! IT! Where was I?"

"SHUT YOUR FACES AND AFFIX YOUR EYES TO OUR NEXT CARD FOR UNPROFESSIONAL WRESTLINGS!"


NO PROS WRESTLING PRESENTS:
THE ORLANDO OF OPPORTUNITY
MAIN EVENT: FAITH FORCE'S ULTRA OPEN CHALLENGE
FAITH FORCE VS [SOMEBODY IDK]

ENIGMATICO VS SWASHBUCKLER

BATTERING LAMB VS THE CANNIBAL

MOUSTACHIO MILANO, MELANCHOLY MOLLY, & SQUIRE DANGERSTACHE ESQ. VS SILENT MIME & CRAB RAVE (ugh)

GRUDGE MATCH
CLOWNS VS THE JELLICLE CATS

PLUS MORE, IMPROMPTU MATCHES ARE FUN!

[Just here to look]

Somebody IDK, Swashbuckler, The Cannibal, The Sad Moustaches, Clowns, and I wonder if The Grumbling or… I forgot it’s name, The Mexican Grumbling will take up that challenge

[KyTeran]

NO PROS WRESTLING PRESENTS:
THE ORLANDO OF OPPORTUNITY
MAIN EVENT: FAITH FORCE'S ULTRA OPEN CHALLENGE
FAITH FORCE VS [SOMEBODY IDK]

ENIGMATICO VS SWASHBUCKLER

BATTERING LAMB VS THE CANNIBAL

MOUSTACHIO MILANO, MELANCHOLY MOLLY, & SQUIRE DANGERSTACHE ESQ. VS SILENT MIME & CRAB RAVE (ugh)

GRUDGE MATCH
CLOWNS VS THE JELLICLE CATS
 

[smw88]

FAITH FORCE 

 SWASHBUCKLER

BATTERING LAMB 

MOUSTACHIO MILANO, MELANCHOLY MOLLY, & SQUIRE DANGERSTACHE ESQ. 

GRUDGE MATCH
CLOWNS

Edited October 2, 2022 by smw88

[Pteroid]

NOPE PRESENTS: THE ORLANDO OF OPPORTUNITY
LIVE FROM: ORLANDO, FLORIDA
ATTENDANCE: 110


"Oh christ we're in Orlando again."

You've never left Orlando.

Diaboliculis:
"We haven't? I could have sworn I've been to Sheboygan..."

Sheboygan is a myth, there is only Orlando.

Diaboliculis:
"Eh, could be worse, could be Jacksonville."

We must never go to Jacksonville, down that way lies madness.


"What are you talking about?"

Diaboliculis:
"NEVER YOU MIND, BOBBERT! SILENCE YOUR FACE AND AFFIX YOUR EYES TO THE RING, I HAVE DEMANDED A GANGFIGHT BETWEEN TERRIFYING CLOWNS AND THE CATS THAT HATE THEM!"

Bob:
"Riiight, and who do you think has the advantage here?"

Diaboliculis:
"The Cats, clearly, being musical theater creatures they shall naturally be superior at a Westside Story brawl!"

Bob:
"Didn't one of those clowns whip out a chainsaw last show?"

Diaboliculis:
"I change my answer, I am still correct."

Bob:
"Of course of course."


Hey look, cats.


Hey look, clowns

NoPE's two most powerful gangs face off in the ring, ready for a chaotic showdown that nobody has every asked for not even once when-
 

Hey look, Gru-wait, Grumblings? What are they doing here!?

The Grumbling and El Grumblo prance out and around the ring, distracting the clowns and cats as someone else climbs a turnbuckle behind them...


ANOTHER ONE!?

Diaboliculis:
"OH GOOD GOD A THIRD GRUMBLING HAS FOUND ITS WAY HERE!"

Bob:
"This one has wings, why does it have wings!?"

Diaboliculis:
"This one developed after I threw the Grumbling off Big Ben in London, it must have gained wings to avoid further defenestration, my files classify it as 'Grumbling, Innit?'!"

Bob:
"You can pronounce defenestration but not Bob?"

Before Diaboliculis can snap back the two gangs finally notice Grumbling, Innit? standing atop the turnbuckle and are taken down by the highest crossbody possible without the mysterious monstrosity bonking his dome on the ceiling! They're all down as the other grumblings enter the ring and the referee shrugs and calls for the bell, it's a three way now!

THE CLOWNS VS THE JELLICLE CATS VS THE GRUMBLING COLLECTIVE

Pure chaos from the word go, neither of the feuding trios were happy with the Grumblings interrupting things but the gaggle of genetic freaks pressed their advantage early on to make that a non-factor. Any chance of a Clown/Cat teamup quickly goes out the window when King Juggamuffin seizes El Grumblo and tosses him onto all three clowns on outside as Twinklejinx and Crumblewhiskers hit Grumbling, Innit? and The Grumbling with a pair of facecrushers. Seemingly in control of the bout, Juggamuffin directs his subjects to bring in a table to punish the interlopers for their impudence, but after setting it up both Twinklejinx and Crumblewhiskers and taken out of the ring and tossed into ringposts by the clowns! Chuckles and Smiles enter the ring start brawling with Juggamuffin as Mr. Giggles retrieves a heinous weapon of war: A Spray Bottle! Juggamuffin's valiant brawling against two of the clowns gets cut off hard by a spray of water to the back that makes him jump right into a double flapjack through the table. Confident in their victory the clowns turn around to find the Grumblings have recovered! El Grumblo and The Grumbling force a meeting of the minds between Chuckles and Smiles before Grumbling, Innit? flies off the top rope for a flying headscissors that sends Mr. Giggles out of the ring! A triple pile on to King Juggamuffin allows the little freaks to take a shocking victory in their debut as a trio.

WINNERS VIA PINFALL: THE GRUMBLING COLLECTIVE

Diaboliculis:
"INCOMPOSSISBLE! THE GRUMBLINGS WITH THE COME FROM BEHIND VICTORY!"

Bob:
"Turns out the team neither of the others could have expected or prepared for won...honestly that's not all that-"

Diaboliculis:
"SILENCE, BOBBERT, I SMELL THE SCENT OF THE NOUVEAU RRRRRRRRICHE!"

Bob:
"Wh-what does that smell like?"

Diaboliculis:
"Cheap cologne, but BEHOLD! HERE COMES THE QUINTILLIONAIRE!"


"Hey hey there, poor people, I'm back to give you a healthy does of sweet American capitalism! You're welcome."

Crowd:
"BOOOOOOO!"

Flanked by The Clear Cutters, Bucks Quintillion struts his way to the ring.

Bucks:
"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, folks! Hate me because of the coups I funded in half the countries of South America!"

The fans do indeed boo that.

Bucks:
"But enough about pleasure, this is about business! Quintillion Corp is all about a diverse portfolio and I've invested in everything form ports TO folios but lately I've decided to get into Sports as well! Tonight a new member joins my OmegaCorp, a luminary of a sport very near and dear to my heart. Please welcome to the ring my newest acquisition: SPARKLESHINE MUFFIN! ...also her Jockey I guess."



Coming out to the William Tell Overture is the Jockey and (more importantly) his horse, Sparkleshine Muffin. Yes the horse is an inanimate object, no Bucks doesn't seem to care, yes this is almost certainly SOME kind of tax scam. Haphazardly hobbling into the ring the Jockey goes to shake hands with Bucks...who instead produces a small comb and runs it through Muffin's bristly mane.

Bucks:
"Muffin it is an honor to have you on the team!"

Jockey:
"Well it's an honor to be h-"

Bucks:
"I'm talking to your horse, poor, speak when spoken to."

Jockey:
"B-"

Clause Reed and Lumber Jackson loom over their boss and the Jockey clams up.

Bucks:
"Now tonight I'm gonna have a match with Muffin...and the other one here against two freaks so you Orlando lowlifes had better be ready for a show. Bring 'em out, Doc!"

Diaboliculis:
"...Bobbert, I have realized something."

Bob:
"What?"

Diaboliculis:
"I started NOPE to ruin wrestling because rich people ruined ruining the world."

Bob:
"And..."

Diaboliculis:
"THE **********************************ERS FOLLOWED ME HERE! THE NERVE OF THESE CHEEKY NANDOS!"

TAG TEAM MATCH
BUCKS QUINTILLION & SPARKLESHINE MUFFIN (ridden by the jockey) VS KRUG-GAR & MR. FROGGLE

Bucks spends the most part of this match hanging out on the apron, checking his watch as his new acquisition does battle with the wild man and Mr. Froggle (who is Mr. Froggle). Initially confused by the concept of a man riding an animal -wooden or no-, Krug-Gar eventually manages to rally after taking an early flurry of equestrain offense to isolate Sparkleshine Muffin (and her jockey) in his corner to work him over with his partner, Mr. Froggle.

Diaboliculis:
"BE SURE TO MENTION HE'S MR. FROGGLE!"


"I'm Mr. Froggle."

Did we mention he's Mr. Froggle? Anyway, the alliance of ape and amphibian beat down on the poor equestrian until the most ironic leapfrog in history allows Sparkleshine Muffin (and her jockey) to rally to the corner and tag in Bucks! Bucks poses and taunts the crowd...then sequesters the ref away to show him his watch collection as the Clear Cutters beat the living crap out of Krug-Gar and Mr. Froggle.


"I'm Mr. Frog-AAAAAGH!"

Until Bucks is satisfied and casually pins Krug-Gar with a foot on the chest.

WINNERS VIA PINFALL:
BUCKS QUINTILLION & SPARKLESHINE MUFFIN (and her jockey)

Bucks has the Clear Cutters pop champagne in celebration of his victory before noticing someone at ringside...


A WOMAN!

Spraying himself with more of the aforementioned cheap cologne, Bucks exits the ring and attempts to chat her up.

Bucks:
"Hey there, baby, ever made it with a man with the proper number of chromosomes?"


"The hell yew say ta mah sister!?"

A very large gentleman in overalls grabs Bucks by his collar and shakes him as the woman cheers him on.

"Get 'em, Bobby Ray! Get 'em!"

Bobby Ray does indeed get him until he also gets two axe handles (and a hobby horse) to the noggin courtesy of the Clear Cutters and Sparkleshine Muffin (and her jockey)! Bucks  brushes himself off and directs traffic on a beatdown of poor Bobby Ray as his sister screams in terror.

Bucks:
"Phew, good work you three."

The Jockey stands at attention, Sparkleshine Muffin over his shoulder like a rifle.

Bucks:
"And the cretin in jodhpurs too I guess."

Instant deflation. Bucks marshals his forces to head backstage as we prep for our next match.

Bob:
"Whoa man, that ain't cool, just beating up a fan after making a pass at his sister?"

Diaboliculis:
"Is not that gentleman from the overly jingoistic wrestling programme?"

Bob:
"Uh...what's he doin' in the No-Pro Zone?"

Diaboliculis:
"Ew, never say that again OH WELL SOMEONE MOP HIM OFF THE FLOOR, TIME FOR MORE NONSE-"


"I ACCEPT!"

Diaboliculis & Bob:
"GAH!"

Bob:
"What?"

Glitter Princess:
"The open challenge tonight, I accept! I want that hammer!"

Bob:
"You mean the meat tenderizer."

Glitter Princess:
"Noooooooo, I mean the hammerrrrr, the hammerrrrr that somebody really shouldn't have given awaaaaaayyyyy~ I want iiiiiiit~"

Diaboliculis:
"Shouldn't have given-OH! Oh...oh THAT hammer..."

Glitter:
"YUP! Dunno why ya had it, or why ya got rid of it, but I want it and I'mma get it! So if anybody out there thinks about challenging for it before meeeee wellllll..."

Bob:
"Scary eyes and words?"

Glitter:
"That guy gets it! Toodle oo, everybody, see ya in the main event~ Buhbyyyyyye~"

And just as soon as she arrived she's gone.

Diaboliculis:
"Oh I really hope she does not win that hammer."

Bob:
"Why?"

Diaboliculis:
"Reasons. HEY LOOK IT'S BACKSTAGE O'CLOCK!"

Bob:
"Don't change the sub-"

Backstage, evil is afoot!


"I prefer the term 'Astache', disembodied degenerate!"

Sorry, evil is astache!

Squire Dangerstache Esq.:
"That's more like now YOU!"


"Me?"

Dangerstache:
"Yeah you! WHAT HAPPENED LAST MONTH!?"

Melancholy Molly:
"We lost because you got pinned..."

Dangerstache:
"WE LOST BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T SEAL THE DEAL! I WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN PINNED IF YOU HADN'T MESSED IT ALL UP!"

Molly:
"I guess..."

Dangerstache:
"I naturally had to bring in someone to pick up the slack!"


"Ayo!"

Dangerstache:
"Look at this man, Molly, look at him and his villainous sneer, his imperious stance, his MOUSTACHE! Take not because THIS is the villain you COULD BE if you weren't AWFUL!"

Molly:
"I wish I had a moustache..."

Dangerstache:
"Moustaches are for villains! Aspire to the moustache! Seek its power!"

Milano:
"What a normal couple these two are."

Dangerstache:
"Now come, it is time to defeat the carcinization of silent disco!"

Milano:
"The what?"

Dangerstache:
"I had to give them a team name! ONWARD!"

TRIOS MATCH!
SILENT MIME, MASQUE DE DISCO, & CRAB MAN
VS
SQUIRE DANGERSTACHE ESQ., MELANCHOLY MOLLY, & MOUSTACHIO MILANO

The match is delightful nonsense from the start with Dangerstache whipping out a giant trap to try and capture Crab Man to no avail, Mime conjuring an invisible disco ball for Masque and Milano to have a hustle-off, and Molly...just kinda sulking in the corner bemoaning her life as per usual. Eventually the madness collides as Dangerstache brings his trap down on Milano's head and the ref finally gets both teams to at least pretend to observe tag rules with Masque facing off with Molly.

"I used to like to dance..."

Oh no here we go again.

"But I had two left feet...literally..."

I...how?

"My dancing was so bad I caught congenital disco fever..."

That's not a thing.

"I was in the hospital for fifteen years..."

Aren't you 19!?

"And then? I lost my sister when she donated her right foot for corrective surgery..."

This...is horrible-wait why isn't the disco dingus effected by all this!?

Disco:
"WHAT!?"

I SAID WHY AREN'T YOU EFFECTED BY THIS HORRIBLE DOWNER'S RAMBLINGS!?

Disco:
"WHAT!?"

I SAID-

Crab Man:
"Our new mime friend put invisible ear muffs on him! She really helps in a pinch!"

...

Crab:
"In a pinch!"

No I heard you, I just hate you. Anyway an ingenious counter how will Molly respond!?

Molly:
"...go figure, nobody wants to talk to me anywaaaaay..."

Dangerstache:
"ENOUGH OF THIS, MILANO GET IN THERE!"

Milano slaps Molly on the shoulder to tag in and charges at Masque De Disco...and gets caught in a small package for the pin.

Dangerstache:
"...DAMN IT, MOLLY YOU RUINED IT ALL AGAIN!"

Molly:
"What else is new...?"

WINNERS VIA PINFALL:
MASQUE DE DISCO, CRAB MAN, & SILENT MIME

As the Squire and Milano berate Molly to the back, an unexpected face comes out from the back.


"READY!?"

Bob:
"What's she doing out here?"

Allstar:
"READY!?"

Diaboliculis:
"I do not know, I have no need of team spirit."

Allstar:
"READY!?"

Bob:
"What should we say?"

Allstar:
"READY!?"

Diaboliculis:
"Oh for-READY!"

Allstar:
"OKAY!"

"TWO FOUR SIX EIGHT
WHO DO WE APPRECIATE
BATTY BATTY BA-TEE-LAMB!"

Diaboliculis:
"I beg your par-?"


"BATTERIIIIINNNGGGGG LAAAAAAAAAAMMMMBBBB!"

Charging out from the back is the Battering Lamb, followed along by his (infinitely more athletic) cheerleader, what has apparently become he mascot rolls into the ring and poses with all the charisma of a wet newspaper. Sarah goes through a few more cheering routines before they're interrupted by


"RRRAAAAARGH!"

The cannibal, seeing someone he can actually eat for a change is immediately trying to get his hands on Sarah, but Battering Lamb intecepts him and the match is on!

THE CANNIBAL VS BATTERING LAMB

It's rare that the manager is the most athletic person in a match but that's certainly the case here as Lamb and The Cannibal eschew athletic performance in favor of some 'hard-hitting' brawling. Truly the likes of PGHW and Burning Hammer have nothing on the blistering exchanges of Battering Lamb and the Cannibal, with the man-eater finally getting the upperhand with a headbutt! Dominating the proceedings, the Cannibal is suddenly taken off his game when Sarah starts rallying the crowd for her mascot, leading to him trying to grab at her to get her in the ring (presumably for the old nom nom) but having to settle for a pom pom...which he also tries to eat. However with him not watching, Battering Lamb gets a head of 'steam' and as Cannibal turns around from his plastic feast he launches himself an astounding half an inch off the mat and headbutts the big man! The Cannibal is down and Lamb makes the pin as Sarah cheers from ringside!

WINNER VIA PINFALL: BATTERING LAMB

Diaboliculis:
"ASTOUNDMENT! THE PUDGY MUTTON HAS VANQUISHED THE HUNGRY PEOPLE DEVOURER THROUGH THE POWER OF HIGH SCHOOL TRIBALISM!"

Bob:
"Did NOT expect that guy to ever get a win but hey, broken clocks."


"Yarr, a good 'een to ye's, ladies and gents!"

Diaboliculis:
"YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU!!!!"

Swashbuckler:
"T'all ye who didn't hear, me comely lass be with child after a rousin' consummation in the back of yon Doctor's car."

Diaboliculis:
"YOU DID IT WHERE!?"

Swashbuckler:
"T'were too much of a hike to reach me galleon! But enough of the nitty gritty, I hereby dedicate this match to me beloved Sauria and our roughly 8 to 12 offspring depending on how many end up eating each other, yarr!"

Diaboliculis:
"DON'T YOU CHANGE THE SUBJECT, I HAD TO SCRUB THAT BACKSEAT FOR DAYS!"

 Swashbuckler climbs into the ring as Diaboliculis continues to rant at him. He is soon joined by Enigmatico, the wrestler so mysterious I'm not even going to put his picture up here.

SWASHBUCKLER VS ENIGMATICO

Surprisingly acrobatic for an unprofessional wrestling match, Swashbuckler and Enigmatico exchanged high-flying maneuvers peppered through with some more technically-minded attacks from the mystery man. Diaboliculis was naturally partisan for the entire bout but his cherleading of Swashbuckler's foe didn't stop the pirate from sealing the deal and delivering his promised victory for his reptillian lover via a moonsault that solved the puzzle of Engimatico..

WINNER VIA PINFALL: SWASHBUCKLER

MAIN EVENT
FAITH FORCE'S OPEN CHALLENGE
THE GLITTER PRINCESS VS FAITH FORCE

The Anvil!!!! comes out for this bout but is quickly told to stay back as two of the most dominant forces in NoPE clash. Glitter Princss' matches have been short but sweet to say the least but Faith manages to match the fey in power, leading Diaboliculis to wonder if it's true that the meat tenderizer did have more properties than looking cool. Still, the Princess is a game competitor on her worst day and she begins battering Faith about the ring with her abnormal strength, strength so abnormal she doesn't even need to try lift her up at any point because why would she shut up. Several times the Princess tries to put away faith with a swinging neckbreaker but only manages nearfalls, this causes her to grow in frustration until she finally nails a superkick on Faith to keep her down and roll out of the ring to retrieve a cloth bag from under the ring. To the shock of everyone she steps into the ring and dumps the contents in the center:

...some kind of glitter?

Diaboliculis:
"PIXIE DUST! THE DUST OF PIXIES! DEAR GOD A SLAM INTO THAT WOULD PUT YOU OUT FOR HOURS...DAYS...MONTHS EVEN! CAN I BUY SOME TO SPIKE SWASHBUCKLER'S DRINK WITH!?"

The Princess flicks off Diaboliculis before noticing THE ANVIL!!!! making noise at ringside, as she takes her eyes off the ball, Faith decides to fight fire with fire and grabs her Meat Tenderizer and ascends to the top rope...she lifts it to the sky and lightning sound effects are heard.

Bob:
"What the hell is going on now!?"

Diaboliculis:
"I AM A FOOL! THAT WAS NO MEAT TENDERIZER, I GAVE THAT FACEPAINTED LUNATIC THE MYTHICAL HAMMER OF THOR! SHE WIELDS MJOLNIR!"

Bob:
"I thought only the pure of heart could lift it!"

Diaboliculis:
"MARVELOUS PROPAGANDA! ALSO THE VIKINGS WERE SLAVING PILLAGERS, THEIR BAR FOR CARDIOVASCULAR PURITY IS MELTING IN THE EARTH'S CORE!"

As the Princess turns around her eyes go wide as Faith leaps from the top rope and crowns her with the mighty hammer, making her fall back into her own pixie dust! This miraculously allows Faith to cover her for the pin in what we'll just assume was a No DQ match, ok? Ok.

WINNER VIA PINFALL: FAITH FOR-


"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

Gah!

Faith Force:
"I CAN FEEL IT LOVER, I CAN FEEEEEELLLLL THE POWER! THE THUNDER GOD'S FAVOR VASCULATES WITHIN MY ENDOCRINES! MY BELOVED ANVIL!!!!!! I AM NO LONGER THE FAITH YOU KNEW! I NOW METAMORPHOSITIZE INTO THE ONLY ONE WHO COULD BE WITH YOU THROUGH THE MILLENNIUM BLOOD WAR TO COME!"

Bob:
"I'm sorry the what?"

THE ANVIL!!!! enters the ring in a trance, staring at his beloved as she raises Mjolnir high.

Faith Force:
"NO LONGER WILL I BE KNOWN AS FAITH FORCE! FROM TODAY ON...

I!
AM!
THE!
HAMMERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The crowd roarrs their approval for this sudden name change and the Iron Lovers embrace as we end another episode of NoPE.

Bob:
"Where's that F***ing Nun when we need her?"

[Pteroid]

"HELLO AGAIN FOOLS, FOOLETTES, AND NON-FOOLNARIES! IT IS I, DOCTOR DIABOLICULIS HERE TO PRESENT ANOTHER DELECTABLE CARD OF UNPROFESSIONAL WRESTLING! HOWEVER IT IS TIME FOR A VERY SPECIAL EPISODE AS IT IS THE MERRY MONTH OF JUNE! PRIDE MONTH! THE MONTH OF PRIDE! AS SUCH A SPECIAL EVENT HAS BEEN FORMULATED! A SHOWCASE OF VARIOUS TALENTS OF THAT WONDROUS TECHNICOLOR RAINBOW!"

"BUT I HEAR YOU ASK HOW IS THIS EVIL!?"

"WE PUT THESE SHOWS ON IN FLORIDA, I'M HOPING YOU SHOW THESE TO YOUR GRANDMA AND MAKE HER HAVE A HEART ATTACK! ULTERIOR MOTIVES! MWAHAHAHA!"


NO PROS WRESTLING PRESENTS:
PRIDE AGAINST PREJUDICE
MAIN EVENT:
FLAG MATCH
TEAM LGBT VS TEAM USA

ROMEO ROMARO VS MASQUE DE DISCO

SPECIAL ADVERTISED MATCH BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE LGBT COMMUNITY'S ALLY: BUCKS QUINTILLION
THE CLEAR CUTTERS VS THAT HILLBILLY HE BEAT UP AND HIS BROTHER

SWASHBUCKLER VS GRUMBLING, INNIT?

SQUIRE DANGERSTACHE ESQ. VS MADISON MURK

[AboardTheArk]

You know, at first I found the format a bit dizzying (and totally not because I was too lazy not to skim!), but this is actually flat out excellent and getting better every show. 

[KyTeran]

NO PROS WRESTLING PRESENTS:
PRIDE AGAINST PREJUDICE
MAIN EVENT:
FLAG MATCH
TEAM LGBT VS TEAM USA

ROMEO ROMARO VS MASQUE DE DISCO

SPECIAL ADVERTISED MATCH BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE LGBT COMMUNITY'S ALLY: BUCKS QUINTILLION
THE CLEAR CUTTERS VS THAT HILLBILLY HE BEAT UP AND HIS BROTHER

SWASHBUCKLER VS GRUMBLING, INNIT?

SQUIRE DANGERSTACHE ESQ. VS MADISON MURK

[Pteroid]

NOPE PRESENTS: PRIDE AGAINST PREJUDICE
LIVE FROM: ORLANDO, FLORIDA
ATTENDANCE: 116


"WELCOME EVERYONE TO PRIDE AGAINST PREJUDICE, AKA MY ATTEMPT TO KILL MOST OF RON DESANTIS' CONSTITUENCY! TONIGHT WE CELEBRATE THOSE PEOPLE THIS NATION HAD TO BE DRAGGED KICKING AND SCREAMING INTO CONSIDERING PEOPLE (barely) AND SCREAM AN AFFIRMATION THAT THERE IS AN AGENDA AND IT'S FIRST ITEM IS WHIPPING WHOLESALE ASS! BUT ENOUGH SCREAMING, IT IS TIME TO YELL FOR I NOW INTRODUCE YOU TO ONE OF THE TEAM'S IN TONIGHT'S MAIN EVENT: TEAM LGBT-"

Bob runs into the ring and whispers something in the Doc's ear.

"-QIA+!"

The representatives of said team arrive to cheers from the crowd:


NOTORIOUS F.R.E.A.K!


ONSLAUGHT!


...I beg your pardon?

Diaboliculis:
"The Grumbling, you're-!?"

The Grumbling pulls out a little rainbow flag and waggles it.

Diaboliculis:
"It is brave of you to come out like this...I'm still going to attempt to kill you once pride month is over."

F.R.E.A.K:
"I thought that was the corporations' job, monsieur."

[Laugh track]

Diaboliculis:
"And the opposing team, representing the forces of Prejudice, it's Team USA!"



Bob:
"Where's Definitely?"

Diaboliculis:
"He is...elsewhere, apparently being one of a bunch of masked white guys trying to beat up minorities in the south didn't appeal to him."

Bob:
"Smart man."

Diaboliculis:
"Anywho, let's present the flags! For team LGBTQIA+ we have this!"



The flag is presented to Onslaught who waves it for the fans.

Diaboliculis:
"And of course for our pugnacious prejudicial pieces of-"

Generic American Masked Goons:
"HEY!"

Diaboliculis:
"What? I was going to say patriotism! We have...this, I guess."



The Doc moves to hand a second flag over but trips theatrically and sends it flying directly into-



Diaboliculis:
"OH NO, NOT MY CONVENIENTLY PLACED WOOD CHIPPER!"

VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRM!

Old glory is sadly reduced to a pile of cloth strips, the Doc now holding onto a bare pole.

Diaboliculis:
"Anybody got Betsy Ross' phone number? No. WELP guess we'll just have to find a different flag. Head on back to the back, boys, I'll think of something."

The Flag-clad goon squad sulks to the back, followed by team LGBTQIA+, waving their own flag proudly.

Diaboliculis:
"Eh, I'll figure something out, FOR NOW-"


"ENOUGH OF YOUR BLOVIATIONS, AND GET THAT WOOD CHIPPER OUT OF HERE!"

Flanked by Melancholy Molly and Moustachio Milano, Squire Dangerstache Esq. marches to the ring. He takes the mic from Doctor Diaboliculis (who proceeds to take his chipper to safety), and struts around the ring cockily.

Dangerstache:
"Well well well, so it's Pride Month, is it? Well let me shock you all by letting you know I am the baddest B in that particular alphabet soup and my opponent being an L is HIGHLY APPROPRIATE, MWAHAHAHAHAHA-"

"Are you done?"

Dangerstache:
"Eh?"


"You heard me, Mr. So-called 'Villain'. The Creeping Gloom comes for all, and your boasts will be subsumed into the seething teeming darkness of my soul, never to be heard from again."

The Creeping Gloom, Madison Murk, has arrived in NoPE and the fans are roaring their approval.


"That's hot..."

Dangerstache:
"WHAT!?"

Molly:
"Ah-uh-nothing..."

Dangerstache:
"Listen here you gothed out goon, Squire Dangerstache Esq. lays down for nobody no matter their pronouns, I'm equal opportunity like that! So if you want get yourself embarrassed in front of everyone in the state of Florida, be my guest!"

Murk shrugs and enters the ring, catching a look from Molly before she's yanked out of the ring by Milano.

MADISON MURK VS SQUIRE DANGERSTACHE ESQ.

A face off between an 11 and a 4 on the intensity scale sees Murk taking it to Dangerstache in the early goings, nonchalantly frustrating his attempts at skullduggery for an early advantage and even casually stomping on the hand of Milano when he attempts to trip her up.  However, while excelling in her bashing of the stache, Murk was caught up by the gaze of Melancholy Molly at ringside. Is this love at first sight? We may never know as Murk is quickly tossed from the ring right onto Molly and Stache gets in an argument with the ref that distracts the latter long enough for Milano to waylay a rising Murk with a superkick before tossing her back into the ring and the waiting hands of Dangerstache who lays her out with a Double Arm DDT for the pin!

WINNER VIA PINFALL: SQUIRE DANGERSTACHE ESQ.

SWASHBUCKLER VS GRUMBLING, INNIT?

One of two side matches to the greater pride proceedings, quintessential wifeguy Swashbuckler takes on Grumbling, Innit? who we're told reproduces by budding. A high-flying affair brought on by Swashbuckler's past in ZEN: Boston and Grumbling, Innit? literally having wings gets the crowd going until Buckler counters an attempted huricanrana into a powerbomb and a rolling prawn hold for the win.

WINNER VIA PINFALL: SWASHBUCKLER

Post match Swashbuckler is swiftly chased off by an angry Diaboliculis screaming 'Homewrecker!' at him before the Doc retrieves a microphone.

Diaboliculis:
"Alright everyone, I've found another flag for the other team tonight, behold!"



Diaboliculis:
"It's black and white with a blue stripe so I can only assume it is for people who are fans of both Charlie Chaplin and Water Type Pokémon. Anyway come on out here you three and get this thing off my hands, for some reason I feel like a massive c***womble holding it."



Diaboliculis:
"...did you three change outfits?"

Generic Cop Goon:
"We altered ourselves to fit the theme of the flag."

Diaboliculis:
"What about Gas Mask boy?""

Goon:
"Riot gear."

Diaboliculis:
"Ah! Well then! I shall award you this flag and tonight we'll have ourselves the most wonderful main-"

CHOMP!

Diaboliculis:
"-event."

Diaboliculis looks over to find that his flag pole is bare again and the last remnants of his flag is hanging out of the mouth of-


"Yumbus, innit? Urrrrrp, Innit?"

Diaboliculis:
"DAMN YOU, GRUMBLING, INNIT?, NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!?"

Diaboliculis tries to swat the offending crime against nature with the pole but it flees the scene like an oversized moth.

Diaboliculis:
"This is getting ridiculous, alright you three back to the back until I can find another one!"

The cops groan and storm off in time for our SPONSORED MATCH

QUINTILLION CORP PRESENTS
A TAG TEAM MATCH BETWEEN FOUR STRAIGHTS AT A PRIDE EVENT
BROUGHT TO YOU BY QUINTILLION CORP: VOTED THE BEST ALLY THE LGBTQIA+ COMMUNITY HAS*
*in an internal focus group

THE CLEAR CUTTERS w/Bucks Quintillion & Sparkleshine Muffin (and her jockey)
VS
TWO RANDOM HILLBILLIES MAD THAT BUCKS MADE A PASS AT THEIR SISTER w/ The Aforementioned Sister

This match is best described as not as old McWades vs not as hopeless Nation of Filth (let's all hope Sammy Bach doesn't sue) in that it is a brawl sloppier than whatever the hillbillies feed the 30-50 feral hogs that they cohabitate with. Not helping matters is Bucks, Sparkleshine Muffin (and her jockey), and the unidentified sister of the two hillbillies on the outside adding to the chaos with Bucks continuing to 'romance' the belle while the jockey tries to aid his stable(heh)mates.  It all comes to a halt when the larger of the two billies seizes Sparkleshine Muffin and rides the poor thing around the ring before clotheslining down a distraught Jockey only to take an axehandle to the face from Clause Reed while the ref checks on the equestrian. Bucks trips up the other hillbilly as his brother is mashed by the sandwich polish hammer and the Clearcutters steal one.

WINNERS VIA PINFALL: THE CLEAR CUTTERS

Diaboliculis:
"OK, I GOT IT! THIS TIME FOR CERTAIN I GOT IT!"

Diaboliculis hoists yet another flag up and shows it off.



Diaboliculis:
"There were a LOT of these lying around here, let me tell you! Ok fellas, come on down!"



Diaboliculis:
"Why didn't the middle guy change his costume?"

Goon:
"Come on. You know why."

Diaboliculis:
"Fair point, anywho, here we go. Finally. Fiiiiiinaaaaallyyyyyyy. Nothing but nothing is gonna happen to this flag. No sir. Not one single thing."

RRRRRRIP!

Diaboliculis:
"Son of a-WHO DARES!?"


"Hey thanks man, I needed me a new muffler."

The gargantuan hayseed nonchalantly shoves the flag down the backend his overalls to a pop.

Diaboliculis:
"..."

Goon:
"..."

Diaboliculis:
"Did you happen to save that hazmat gear?"

Goon:
"Find. Another. Flag."

The goons storm off a third time.

Diaboliculis:
"For crying out loud, what does a man have to do to get a symbol of hate around here!?"

Diaboliculis huffily returns to searching for a flag.

MASQUE DE DISCO VS ROMEO ROMARO

Sans his Crab Rave partner for tonight, Masque De Disco found himself a dance partner with the veteran Romeo Romaro who seemed more than eager to join Masque in discofied antics up to and including bringing the ref, Bob, and a very distracted Diaboliculis in on a locomotion and having an impromptu 1v1 volleyball match with a disco ball patterned beach ball. The match kind of loses itself in the gags and eventually Masque is declared the winner by Romeo after nary a single wrestling move was used in the entire match. That's NoPE for ya!

WINNER VIA...UNDETERMINED METHOD: MASQUE DE DISCO

Diaboliculis:
"IT...IS...DONE!"

Diaboliculis, after searching for the entirety of that very long very confusing match, has found a flag.

In the interest of not getting banned from this forum we're not going to show you what it is but come on. You know what it is.

Diaboliculis:
"Now get out here you miserable misanthropes before someone takes a picture of me holding this monstrosity!"


Frankly if this doesn't clue you into what the flag is, nothing will.

Diaboliculis:
"Wow you really DO commit. Like if Daniel Day Lewis got the part of Goebbels."

The leader of the horrible horrible men grabs the flag and storms to the ring to plant it in their corner, the trio understandably getting booed vociferously by the fans. Those boos turn to cheers when Team LGBTQIA+ show up with their own flag and the main event is on!

MAIN EVENT FLAG MATCH
PRIDE VS PREJUDICE
TEAM LGBTQIA+ VS TEAM US-ER, BLUE LIVES-ER, DIXIE-ER....BAD GUYS. JUST...GENERAL BAD PEOPLE

The odds are tipped in the Pride team's favor from the start, not only are F.R.E.A.K & Onsalught veterans in their own rights, but their opponents have been getting the run around all night and are in incredibly cumbersome uniforms. Needless to say, it's an ass kicking and nobody is complaining as even the oft defeated Grumbling manages to run wild on the leader of the goons who Diaboliculis identifies as Herr Backpfeifengesicht before shoving him into a Freak Out from F.R.E.A.K who proceeds to roll out of the ring and return with a table as Onslaught grabs the opposing team's flag. F.R.E.A.K and Grumbling roll Herr Longname on top of the table and grab the flag to drape over him, and at the urging of the crowd Onslaught leaps from the top rope with a Slaughterer to put him through it.

WINNERS VIA FLAG RETRIEVAL: TEAM LGBTQIA+

Victory is sweet and gets sweeter as the victorious team punches the other two goons as they try a post-match ambush and drag the flag off their defeated leader. As Grumbling enthusiastically waves the LGBTQIA+ flag over his head, F.R.E.A.K & Onslaught toss the opposing one in a convenient trash can. This summons Madison Murk, Romeo Romaro, and even Squire Dangerstache Esq. out with matches and lighter fluid to give the horrid thing its proper send off.

Diaboliculis:
"Ahhhh, so here we are, Nazis beat up, a Swastika burning, and somewhere at least four former presidents and Henry Kissinger felt a disturbance in the force. Truly a Pride to Proud of, wouldn't ya say?"

Bob:
"Brings a tear to my eye, Doc, we should do this every year."

Diaboliculis:
"Oh but we will, every year we shall shove a massive boot up the ********* of the bigot until either they stop existing or I get jailed by the state of Florida!”

The lights go out.

Bob:

And Quntillion wants us to ban kink at pride.

Edited October 9, 2022 by Pteroid

[Pteroid]

"GREETINGS, AGAIN THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE DOCTOR DIABOLICULIS BLESSES YOUR SCREEN, AND AGAIN HE BRINGS THE PROMISE OF UNPROFESSIONAL WRESTLING! WITH THE HALCYON DAYS OF SPRING BEHIND US THE TIME HAS COME TO CELEBRATE THE MOST IMPORTANT HOLIDAY IN JULY! THAT'S RIGHT NATIONAL DAIQUIRI DAY! PLEASE ENJOY DELICIOUS DRINKS WITH YOUR WRESTLING, NON-ALCOHOLIC ONES WILL BE AVAILABLE FOR CHILDREN, VERY ALCOHOLIC ONES WILL BE AVAILALBE FOR ORPHANS WITH LARGE INHERITANCES! THE DRINKING IS MANDATORY I HAVE DECREED IT!"


NO PROS WRESTLING PRESENTS:
LOOK SKYWARD, MORON!

MAIN EVENT:
THE CLEAR CUTTERS VS THE HILLBILLIES VS THE IRON LOVERS

MADISON MURK & ??? VS SQUIRE DANGERSTACHE ESQ. & MOUSTACHIO MILANO

ENIGMATICO VS SPARKLESHINE MUFFIN (and her jockey)

Diaboliculis:
"THE HELL? WHAT KIND OF TINY CARD IS THIS!? WHO BOOKED THIS CARD FOR ANTS!? NOT I! SOMETHING CRAZY BETTER HAPPEN  OR THE PEOPLE WILL NOT BE GETTING THEIR VERY CHEAP AND AFFORDABLE MONEY'S WORTH!"

ALSO FEATURING: SOMETHING CRAZY, HOPEFULLY

Diaboliculis:
"MUCH BETTER!"

[AboardTheArk]

MAIN EVENT:
THE CLEAR CUTTERS VS THE HILLBILLIES VS THE IRON LOVERS

MADISON MURK & ??? VS SQUIRE DANGERSTACHE ESQ. & MOUSTACHIO MILANO

ENIGMATICO VS SPARKLESHINE MUFFIN (and her jockey)

ALSO FEATURING: SOMETHING CRAZY, HOPEFULLY

[KyTeran]

MAIN EVENT:
THE CLEAR CUTTERS VS THE HILLBILLIES VS THE IRON LOVERS

MADISON MURK & ??? VS SQUIRE DANGERSTACHE ESQ. & MOUSTACHIO MILANO

ENIGMATICO VS SPARKLESHINE MUFFIN (and her jockey)

[smw88]

THE CLEAR CUTTERS VS THE HILLBILLIES VS THE IRON LOVERS

MADISON MURK & ??? VS SQUIRE DANGERSTACHE ESQ. & MOUSTACHIO MILANO

ENIGMATICO VS SPARKLESHINE MUFFIN (and her jockey)

[MidKnightDreary]

I laughed so hard at all of this. Bravo. 

 

MAIN EVENT:
THE CLEAR CUTTERS VS THE HILLBILLIES VS THE IRON LOVERS

MADISON MURK & ??? VS SQUIRE DANGERSTACHE ESQ. & MOUSTACHIO MILANO

ENIGMATICO VS SPARKLESHINE MUFFIN (and her jockey)

[Pteroid]

NOPE Presents: LOOK SKYWARD, MORON!
Live From: Orlando, Florida
Attendance: 117

Once again it's time for another show of nonstop pulse-pounding Unprofessional Wrestling action at-


"NO TIME FOR AN INTRO, MR. NARRATOR, THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!"


"DAMN IT ALL, EVERYONE NEEDS TO STOP PAYING ATTENTION TO HIM, HE'S GONNA GET A BIG HEAD!"

Bucks Quintillion, flanked by his employees, has ran out to ringside looking quite worried. He looks this way, he looks that way, he looks behind the Vending Machine Guy we forgot to mention for like three events but is still here, trust us.

Bucks:
"Ohhhh no. Ohhhhhhhhhhh no..."

Diaboliculis:
"YOU ARE TROUBLED, CAPITALIST, HAS THE REVOLUTION COME AT LAST!? THE CUBAN SLEEPER CELLS HAVE AWAKENED, VIVA THE DISEMBODIED HEAD OF ROBO-CASTRO!"

Bucks:
"No no no, nothing like that! It's just...there may be...an...animal. Loose. In the building."

Diaboliculis:
"Ah I see you have noticed the cats. And the Grumbling. And Bobbert."


"Hey!"

Bucks:
"I WISH it was just your play-by-pot man, Doc, but it's a few orders of magnitude bigger. You see like any self-respecting X-ionaire I have a private zoo-

Diaboliculis:
"Urge for guillotines rising but continue."

Bucks:
"And I thought I'd spice it up a bit with some more...eclectic wildlife. Followed some local legends, yadda yadda yadda, and there may be a Skunkape running around the arena."

Bob:
"The hell is a Skunkape?"

Diaboliculis:
"Great Value Sasquatch, Bobbert, like an overpaid CEO with a fast food order he has apparently cheaped out on his cryptids as well."

Bucks:
"This is serious, I need everyone to help me find it and bring it back where it belongs...that place being the concrete enclosure I had constructed in the Canary Islands!"

Diaboliculis:
"Hmmmmmmmm...no~"

Bucks:
"Wh-IT'S ILLEGAL TO SAY THAT WORD TO ME!"

Diaboliculis:
"I RAN A PRIDE EVENT AND SHREDDED THE US FLAG IN FLORIDA, I CARE NOT FOR THE LAW! NOW GET YOUR HORSEY IN THE RING, SHE HAS A MATCH!"

Bucks:
"I-you-rrrgh...SPARKLESHINE (and your jockey) GET IN THE RING! YOU TWO, YOU'RE WITH ME!"

Bucks and the Clear Cutters storm away, leaving Sparkleshine Muffin (and her jockey) to start the show off against Enigmatico!

SPARKLESHINE MUFFIN (and her jockey) VS ENIGMATICO

The crown jewel of Bucks' equestrian endeavors faces off with the most mysterious man in all of NoPE in a clash of-

"HRRRRUUUUUGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!"

...in a clash of-

"HRRRRUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!"

...a clash of-

"HRUGH!"

OK WHO'S THE WISE GUY!?


Oh...that's the wiseguy.

A massive monstrosity hits the ring, lumbering out and scaring the bejesus out both competitors as it...kinda gingerly enters the ring. In a moment it causes a meeting of the minds between Sparkleshine Muffin's jockey and Enigmatico and sends them tumbling out of the ring!

THE MATCH IS A DRAW DUE TO CRYPTID

Bob:
"By god that MUST be the Skunkape!"

Diaboliculis:
"WHAT TIPPED YOU OFF!?"

Bob:
"The smell, mostly."

As Enigmatico and Sparkleshine Muffin (and her jockey) flee ringside, the Skunkape rampages around the ring, pounding on the turnbuckles, shaking the ropes, and roaring its mighty cry. It does NOT seem to be keen to leave.

Bob:
"Uhm..."

Diaboliculis:
"Hmm..."

Bob:
"Any ideas how to get out of this?"

Diaboliculis:
"Sacrifice Vending Machine Pervert to it and proclaim it our new god?"

Bob:
"But I don't wanna upset Santa."

Diaboliculis:
"Haha, callback! Fine, second idea, HEY WHOEVER MAKES IT GO AWAY GETS A RAISE!"


Clowns on cue!

The trio of pierrots rush out to the ring, apparently the circus doesn't pay all that well. We have ourselves a match!

THE SKUNK APE VS CLOWNS

Clothesline to Giggles! Headbutt to Chuckles! Smiles backs off but the ape is too 'quick' and pulls him into a second clothesline and splashes him!

WINNER VIA PINFALL: THE SKUNKAPE!

Diaboliculis:
"OH NO IT KNOWS HOW TO WRESTLE!"

Bob:
"Well that's unfortunately convenient..."

Diaboliculis:
"QUICKLY! ANOTHER HERO MUST COME TO SLAY THIS BEAST!"


"Worry not Comrade Doctor, I will destroy mighty Apebeast for the glory of the Motherland!"

Definitely A. American has heeded the call and storms the ring to face down this giant monstrosity!

DEFINITELY A. AMERICAN VS THE SKUNKAPE

Definitely immediately goes for Scoopslam City on the cryptid but just can't get the big beast up. Eventually the Skunkape gets over its befuddlement and simply roars in Definitely's face and chokeslams him. One splash later and the Skunkape continues to reign supreme in the ring.

WINNER VIA PINFALL: THE SKUNKAPE

Diaboliculis:
"AMERICA FAILS AGAIN!"

Bob:
"What else is new?"

Diaboliculis:
"DAMN IT YOU OVERSIZED MOLDY THROWRUG, GET OUT OF MY RING!"

Skunkape:
"HRUUUUUUGHH!"

Diaboliculis:
"HOW DARE YOU BRING MY MOTHER INTO THIS!? THAT DOES IT! GRUMBLINGS, ASSEMBLLLLLEEEE!"
 

Patently too stupid to have self-preservation instincts, the three currently known forms of Grumbling assail the ring, babbling incoherently and attacking the Skunkape before the bell can even ring!

THE GRUMBLING COLLECTIVE VS THE SKUNKAPE

Actually managing to keep the big monster off its game with their unorthodox (read: idiotic) tactics, The Grumbling Collective make a far better showing of themselves than the previous four attempted saviors of the night. However when one lives by the stupid one has a tendency to die by the stupid as El Grumblo's attempt at a flying crossbody gets sidestepped and he takes out his fellows instead, causing them to tumble into a heap in a corner.

We now present the following exchange in Grumblingvision so we can understand what they're saying~

Grumbling, Innit:
"Grr, he's strong, too strong for us three..."

El Grumblo:
"Even when we're going all out we're no match for him!"

Innit:
"There's no way we can win!"

The Grumbling:
"There is...one way..."

Grumblo:
"You don't mean..."

Innit:
"That technique is forbidden! The doctor hit us over the head with a newspaper and sprtized us with water last time we tried!"

Grumbling:
"It's the only way we can claim victory, brothers! In times of greatest darkness, we must risk the dreaded spray bottle if it means saving our friends...our...family!"

Innit:
"..."

Grumblo:
"...let's do it."

Innit:
"Grumblo!?"

Grumblo:
"It's our only chance, Innit! We have to try!"

Innit:
"Very well...Doctor...forgive us...we must go all out...just this once..."

Meanwhile in normal-people land~

The Grumblings chatter at each other incomprehensibly for roughly three minutes as the Skunkape looks confused.

Diaboliculis:
"I hate everything. DO SOMETHING YOU IDIOTIC GENETIC MISFIRES!"

The Grumblings strike a coordinated pose...then begin attempting to...press into each other? It looks...suggestive.

Diaboliculis:
"NOT EACH OTHER, YOU MORONS, OH GOD WHERE'S THE SPRAY BOTTLE!"

Before the Doc can interrupt what for all the world looks like Grumbling mating season come early, the Skunkape body splashes all three into the corner and pins El Grumblo, putting an end to whatever THAT was supposed to be...

WINNER VIA PINFALL: THE SKUNKAPE

Diaboliculis:
"HURRAY, CRISIS AVERTED!"

Bob:
"No, crisis still here, freak orgy averted."

Diaboliculis:
"DAMN IT, IT'S BEEN LIKE HALF THE SHOW ALREADY, GO AWAY YA BIGFOOT BASTARDIZATION!"

The Skunkape beats its chest  at the commentary duo.

Diaboliculis:
"...wait a minute. I have a gun. I can just shoot it."

Diaboliculis pulls out a revolver and-

"Noooooooooo!"

Is blocked from doing the deed by an unlikely source-


"Sorry to...scuttle in so late!"

Diaboliculis:
"OH HEY SOMETHING ELSE TO SHOOT!"

Bob:
"DOC!"

BANG!

Bob barely manages to push Diaboliculis' arm up and avoid a homicide-crabicide?-as Crab Man scuttles into the ring alongside


MASQUE DE DISCO

The dubious disco dancer and his carcine compadre face off with the Skunkape, sharing a look...then a nod...

Disco:
"HIT IT!"
 

Together as one Crab Rave begin dancing along to the funkadelic stylings of George Clinton, even getting the referee in on it as they try to use music to soothe the savage beast.

Diaboliculis:
"Ah I see your wisdom now Bobbert, cryptid mutilation will be a more fitting face for the dancing disco dinguses."

Bob:
"Hey you don't know...it could work...I hope they got life insurance."

Suddenly something begins to change in the Skunkape's demeanor. It begins to bob along to the music, it starts to...yes, starts to raise the roof and by god it starts a soul train right in the ring! The fans are amazed and that isn't even the half of it as the lights go out and when they come back on...


THE SKUNKAPE HAS BECOME...DA FUNK APE!

The crowd roars its approval as the newly made trio cavort around the ring to that 70's funk.

Diaboliculis:
"HUH! ASTOUNDING! THE MONSTER HAS HORRIBLE TASTE IN MUSIC! WE ARE SAVED!"

Bob:
"Man, I've heard what you listen to, you got no room to talk."

Diaboliculis:
"THE SCREAMS OF THE DAMNED MAKE GREAT ASMR, SILENCE YOURSELF!"

"EXCUSE ME!"


Bucks Quintillion is back, alongside his employees, holding a mic.

Bucks:
"Good work gentlemen, I'll be taking my freak of nature back now!"

Da Funk Ape tries to hide behind the two masked men (and fails miserably), clearly not a fan of the Quintillionaire. Disco and Crab Man look back at Bucks and fold their arms, shaking their heads emphatically.

Bucks:
"Oh that's too bad...because you just traded a payday for a beating. GET 'EM, BOYS...AND HORSE!"

Bucks' minions hit the ring and we have a trios match!

DA FUNK APE & CRAB RAVE VS QUINTILLION CORP

A chaotic bout to be certain, more a brawl than anything as the Clear Cutters try to take down the clearly winded Funk Ape but Crab Rave run interference leaving Sparkleshine Muffin (and her jockey) to play David to the Cryptid's Goliath. Initially attempting to run circles around Da Funk Ape, Sparkleshine Muffin (and her jockey) are eventually cut off when Da Funk Ape clotheslines the rider off the horse and commandeers it for himself. The Jockey looks horrified as Da Funk Ape rides his prized mount around the ring until a cross check from Clause Reed's axehandle takes the big beastman down. As the jockey steals back Sparkleshine Muffin, Reed and Lumber Jack set up Da Funk Ape for their sandwiching Polish Hammer finisher but the latter is lowbridged by Crab Man and sent tumbling out of the ring as Reed gets a surprise discus forearm from Disco! With Reed on the mat, Funk Ape goes for a final splash to get the ring for himself and his protectors! Bucks throws a tantrum on the outside but is quickly chased off by the groovy gang who celebrate for a while before dancing off into the night!

WINNERS VIA PINFALL: DA FUNK APE & CRAB RAVE

Diaboliculis:
"Well to quote a thousand bad superhero movies, that happened."

Bob:
"Hey you're the one who wanted something crazy, Doc."

Diaboliculis:
"Indeed I did! This certainly changes our main event considering one of the teams just got semi-mauled by a cryptid! But one bout that hasn't changed is my GOOD FRIEND WHO SHOULD FORGIVE ME BY NOW-"

Voice From the Back:
"EAT MY ENTIRE ASS!"

Diaboliculis:
"-Squire Dangerstache Esquire and his crony against the goth and her mysterious mystery partner."

Bob:
"Madison Murk had the Squire on the ropes multiple times last month but the numbers game caught up with her. Can an even fight lead to a different result?"

Diaboliculis:
"Something something definition of madness."


"The definition of madness is attempting something the same way and expecting a different result. Today the creeping gloom flows like a choking miasma to avenge my loss at pride last month. Dangerstache, you prancing clown, come out and face your reckoning."


"Well well well, look who thinks she's all that with her 0-1 record."


"Yeah, weirdo, the boss has four times as many losses as you!"

Dangerstache:
"Shaddup, Milano! Look, freak, I don't know who was stupid enough to team up with you, but they better get ready to help you keep your losing streak going! Squire Dangerstache is on the rise, so go gloom up a hot topic, creep!"

Milano:
"Yeah, ain't nobody but nobody that can stand up to us two, they better not even try! So who is it!? Who is it!?"

Murk smirks.

Murk:
"Look behind you."

The villains turn to find themselves face to face with-


"Sup, nerds?"

Jacqueline O'Shaughnessy!

Diaobliculis:
"THE WOMAN I FORGOT TO CHECK IF SHE COULD WORK DURING PRIDE!"

Looming over the two villains, Jacqueline promptly headbutts Milano and uppercuts Dangerstache, causing them both to stagger towards the ring where Madison has slid out to meet them with a double clothesline. The LGBT Duo toss Dangerstache and Milano into the ring and we have a match!

SQUIRE DANGERSTACHE ESQ. & MOUSTACHIO MILANO VS JACQUELINE O'SHAUGHNESSY & MADISON MURK

Immediately the two villains are on the backstep as Madison and Jacqueline use a combination of technical expertise and raw power respectively. Only the pesky rules of tag team wrestling and a well-timed eye rake to Murk saves the devious duo as they manage to trap Madison in their corner and work her over, despicably stymying not one, not two, but three attempts by the Creeping Gloom to reach her partner. However, Milano's overzealous attempt at taking Murk up onto his shoulders for some form of double team move saw him eat a punch to the dome followed by a victory roll which Murk used the momentum from to tag in Jacqueline. The juggernaut of a woman ran wild on both Milano and Dangerstache, battering them with power move after power move until she finally tossed Stache from the ring to focus on pounding Milano. At his wits end, Stache began calling to the back and brought out his trump card:


Melancholy Molly!

Shuffling out from the back, the dreariest competitor in NoPE reports for duty, which is apparently distracting Jacqueline with an account of how her family left her at a resort after a particularly pathetic vacation which led to her having to sit in the hotel parking lot in a hurricane and got beaned by an unfortunate seagull. She only gets a few sentences in before Madison Murk, apparently unaffected by her rambling, spins her around. An awkward exchange of 'Hey's follows until Stache has enough and pulls his wife aside to eat a dropkick from the Creeping Gloom. Back inside the ring, without the support of Stache, Milano falls quickly to a Jacqhammer from Jacqueline and it's an academic victory of the opposing team.

WINNERS VIA PINFALL: MADISON MURK & JACQUELINE O'SHAUGHNESSY

Diaboliculis:
"AN OVERWHELMING VICTORY BY THE STRONGWOMAN! MAKES ME WISH I HIRED HER FOR MORE THAN ONE SHOW! Oh well, maybe next year. Now let's see on to the main-"


"GUESS WHO'S BACK, HEATHENS!?"

Bob:
"Oh no, not this pain in the ass again."

Mercy:
"Swearing is a sin, you hash-smoking deviant!"

Diaboliculis:
"DO NOT BULLY BOBBERT, THAT IS MY JOB, YOU CATHOLIC CONTRARIAN! What reason do you have for darkening my doorstep with the light of the lord?"

Mercy:
"I have come to destroy you all through the power of god! The sisters back at the convent have discovered a means by which I'll wipe this sinful company off the map!"

Mercy clasps her hands and begins praying.

Bob:
"Uhh...she gonna do anything else?"

Diaboliculis:
"Ugh, see this is why I don't like the Abrahamic religions, ever since they stopped the animal sacrifice the rituals are just so less interesting. It's like the holy equivalent of a collect call."

Mercy:
"-and smite the blasphemers forever and ever, amen."

Bob:
"Ya done over there?"

Mercy:
"I have only just BEGUN!"

Diaboliculis:
"OBNOXIOUS NUN, WE HAVE A SHOW TO DO! SHOO FROM MY SIGHT OR SO HELP ME-"

Suddenly the lights go bright...very very bright, so bright nobody could possibly see and then go out. A single spotlight illuminates in the center of the ring...


"Sister Mercy, your prayers have been answered, the Lord has sent me to do his work."

Bob:
"...Doc, did she just summon a winged smurf?"

Diaboliculis:
"Unfortunately no, a smurf would be far less annoying, it is an angel! An archangel! An angel of archs!"

Angel:
"Gabriel to be precise, Hiram Diaboliculis."

Diaboliculis:
"I DID NOT GET MY DOCTORATE IN DIABOLICULERY TO GET CALLED BY MY FIRST NAME, YOU CHICKEN OF THE SKY!"

Bob:
"Ya'd think he was too busy on that BOH show..."

Gabriel:
"Very well, Doctor, I apologize for upsetting you, and further apologize for what I must do. Servants of evil, I, the Archangel Gabriel challenge you all to trial by combat! In the name of the Father's light I shall smite you and turn this den of depravity into a temple to His glory!"

Diaboliculis:
"Ugh bring back the Skunkape. Look, Blue Boy, I have a show to run here so if you want to run through the roster you'll have to do it piece by piece, got it!?"

Gabriel:
"Your terms are...acceptable."

Mercy:
"But I want this place destroyed now!"

Gabriel:
"Patience, dearest Sister, we must whittle away the stubborn pride-"

Bob:
"That was last month."

Gabriel:
"Of the nonbelievers so that it is all the sweeter when they submit to the will of the Lord. Come, bring your first champion."

Diaboliculis:
"There's that word again, I need to get one of those...but ah, hmm, oh I forgot to have that cheerleader on the card, hey Allstar go get him!"

THE ARCHANGEL GABRIEL VS SARAH ALLSTAR

Shockingly for all involved, team spirit is somehow enough to give the POWER OF GOD ALMIGHTY a run for its money as the ever acrobatic Allstar's gymnastic chops give her an edge in the early goings. However, Gabriel shows himself to have superior endurance and matches her every move until managing to plant her with a hard DDT. From there the anointed angel dismantles the cheerleader as Sister Mercy steals Sarah's pompoms for some rather crummy routines of her own. Ultimately Gabriel defeats Allstar with a fisherman suplex for the pinfall victory.

WINNER VIA PINFALL: THE ARCHANGEL GABRIEL

Post-match Mercy kicks Allstar out of the ring and poses with Gabriel, clearly showing that good ole humbleness Nuns are known for.

Mercy:
"This is just the start, Doctor, soon your entire roster of freaks will fall before the might of the Angel! There are none who can stand before his might!"

Voice:
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh really~?"


"Ya sure about that, Sis~?"

The Glitter Princess has made her way out to ringside, hands on hips, smile on her face. Mercy recoils but the Angel remains stoic.

Gabriel:
"Ah, one of the Doctor's many sins has shown herself. Begone from this realm, Fae, you have dominion on this plane no longer."

Princess:
"D'aww, it's been so long since I've heard that classic angel stuffiness. But you challenged everybody, silly, soooo..."


"You're gonna have ta make me."

Gabriel:
"Very well, at the next show I will show the blasphemers true power by defeating you. Farewell, creature of the faewilds."

Gabriel lifts his arms and the lights shine bright again and when they return, he and Sister Mercy are gone.

Princess:
"Remind me to thank ya, Doc, things are about to get a whole lot more fun around here~"

The Princess skips to the back and Diaboliculis groans.

Diaboliculis:
"Bobbert, give me a clothespin. I smell the fetid stench of...lore..."


"HRRRRAAAAAAAHHHH!"


"KRAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Bob:
"Oop, no time for clothespins, boss, we have a main event!"

THE HAMMER!!!! and THE ANVIL!!!!! rush to the ring for tag action, the former brandishing the mighty Mjolnir over her head as her personal weapon of war! IT IS TIME FOR THE MAIN EVENT!

"HRRRAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!"

"KRAAAAAHHHHH!!!!"

YAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! ...sorry, got caught up in the moment.

THE IRON LOVERS VS THOSE HILLBILLIES W/ THAT OTHER HILLBILLY

So uhm...both these teams had a bone to pick with the Clear Cutters. But the Clear Cutters got got by the Funk Ape-sorry DA Funk Ape. So there isn't really much in the way of...heat here. Whoops. Live by the chaos die by the chaos I suppose, at least the Iron Lovers are exciting to watch and make quick work of the hayseeds so the fight doesn't overstay its welcome. A top-rope hammer smash to the mat primes both hicks for a body splash from THE ANVIL!!!!! for the win.

WINNERS VIA PINFALL: THE IRON LOVERS

Post-match THE HAMMER!!!! drops Mjolnir to embrace THE ANVIL!!!! to the cheers of the crowd. However, someone jumps the guardrail at ringside and moves like a shadow towards the sacred hammer of Thor!


SWASHBUCKLER!

The pirate is trying ot make off with Mjolnir! He has little trouble lifting it but soon finds himself confronted by the two hillbillies who aren't keen on their opponents' things getting stolen. Swashbuckler fights them off with the weapon but as he lifts it high, THE HAMMER!!!!! snatches it away. Sensing he's now on the backfoot, Swashbuckler flees. THE HAMMER!!!! grabs a mic and calls after him.

THE HAMMER!!!!:
"PUNY PIRATE! YOU WANT TO TAKE MY HAMMER!?!?!?! NEXT MONTH FIGHT FOR IT AND PROVE YOU ARE A MAN! HRRRAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!"

Swashbuckler points menacingly at the holder of Mjolnir and disappears behind the curtain as the Iron Lovers celebrate their win.

And the lights go out.

Bob:
"Starting to think we shoulda had the Ape main event."

[Pteroid]

"WE ARE WELL INTO THE SWEATY ARMPIT OF FLORIDA SUMMER HERE AT NOPE AND IT IS TIME FOR MORE ACTION! THE CHALLENGE HAS BEEN LAID OUT, SWASHBUCKLER CHALLENGES THE HAMMER!!!!! FOR HER COVETED MJOLNIR! DEBUTS APLENTY! A DANCING CRYPTID! CHEERLEADING! AND A BATTLE BETWEEN GOD AND THE FAE!"

"CHAOS! MAYHEM! MINIMAL AC! BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!"


NO PROS WRESTLING PRESENTS:
IT'S HOT AS BALLS OUTSIDE!!!!!!!!

MAIN EVENT FOR THE HAMMER OF THOR, MJOLNIR
THE HAMMER!!!!!! VS SWASHBUCKLER

CLOWNS VS DA FUNK APE & CRAB RAVE

THE JELLICLE CATS (TWINKLEJINX & CRUMBLEWHISKERS) VS DEFINITELY A. AMERICAN & HALLUCINOGEN

IT'S ZIPPY! (whovever that is) VS HUMAN HOTDOG

THE RANDOM HILLBILLIES VS SARAH ALLSTAR & BATTERING LAMB

THE ARCHANGEL GABRIEL VS THE GLITTER PRINCESS

[AboardTheArk]

NO PROS WRESTLING PRESENTS:
IT'S HOT AS BALLS OUTSIDE!!!!!!!!

MAIN EVENT FOR THE HAMMER OF THOR, MJOLNIR
THE HAMMER!!!!!! VS SWASHBUCKLER

CLOWNS VS DA FUNK APE & CRAB RAVE

THE JELLICLE CATS (TWINKLEJINX & CRUMBLEWHISKERS) VS DEFINITELY A. AMERICAN & HALLUCINOGEN

IT'S ZIPPY! (whovever that is) VS HUMAN HOTDOG

THE RANDOM HILLBILLIES VS SARAH ALLSTAR & BATTERING LAMB

THE ARCHANGEL GABRIEL VS THE GLITTER PRINCESS

 

 

Is that...Kirk Jameson...in NOPE? How much more based can this get

[Pteroid]

Disclaimer: Kirk Jameson would not be caught dead in NoPE

[AboardTheArk]

Well, I guess even America couldn't copyright characters from the bible

[KyTeran]

MAIN EVENT FOR THE HAMMER OF THOR, MJOLNIR
THE HAMMER!!!!!! VS SWASHBUCKLER

CLOWNS VS DA FUNK APE & CRAB RAVE

THE JELLICLE CATS (TWINKLEJINX & CRUMBLEWHISKERS) VS DEFINITELY A. AMERICAN & HALLUCINOGEN

IT'S ZIPPY! (whovever that is) VS HUMAN HOTDOG

THE RANDOM HILLBILLIES VS SARAH ALLSTAR & BATTERING LAMB

THE ARCHANGEL GABRIEL VS THE GLITTER PRINCESS

[Chikbot]

This is the most insane dynasty I've ever read, I love it

MAIN EVENT FOR THE HAMMER OF THOR, MJOLNIR
THE HAMMER!!!!!! VS SWASHBUCKLER

CLOWNS VS DA FUNK APE & CRAB RAVE

THE JELLICLE CATS (TWINKLEJINX & CRUMBLEWHISKERS) VS DEFINITELY A. AMERICAN & HALLUCINOGEN

IT'S ZIPPY! (whovever that is) VS HUMAN HOTDOG

THE RANDOM HILLBILLIES VS SARAH ALLSTAR & BATTERING LAMB

THE ARCHANGEL GABRIEL VS THE GLITTER PRINCESS