No Pros Wrestling: Is this Wrestling? (*clap clap clap-clap-clap*)

[MidKnightDreary]

NO PROS WRESTLING PRESENTS:
IT'S HOT AS BALLS OUTSIDE!!!!!!!!

MAIN EVENT FOR THE HAMMER OF THOR, MJOLNIR
THE HAMMER!!!!!! VS SWASHBUCKLER

CLOWNS VS DA FUNK APE & CRAB RAVE

THE JELLICLE CATS (TWINKLEJINX & CRUMBLEWHISKERS) VS DEFINITELY A. AMERICAN & HALLUCINOGEN

IT'S ZIPPY! (whovever that is) VS HUMAN HOTDOG

THE RANDOM HILLBILLIES VS SARAH ALLSTAR & BATTERING LAMB

THE ARCHANGEL GABRIEL VS THE GLITTER PRINCESS

[Pteroid]

NOPE Presents: IT'S HOT AS BALLS OUTSIDE!!!!!!!!!!
Live From: Orlando, Florida
Attendance: 123

The sweltering heat of a Florida Summer is beating down on everyone like Giant Redwood with someone who owes him money, naturally this is the time of year it's a good idea to pack into a...wait where DO we put on these shows? I know it's Orlando but are we in a gym? A warehouse? Certainly not a school, if they aren't letting teachers acknowledge anything outside yankee doodle they damn sure aren't letting this happen, could it be-


"REPEAT TO YOURSELF 'IT'S JUST A DIARY AND I SHOULD REALLY JUST RELAX'!"

Eh, fair enough.


"Whoa, didn't take you for the Mystery Science Theater type, Doc."

Diaboliculis:
"I HAVE JETTISONED MANY OF MY JANITORS INTO SPACE IN HOPES THEY WOULD COMMENTATE OVER MOVIES FOR ME! MOSTLY THEY PERISHED BEGGING FOR THEIR LIVES! IT WAS NOT TRUTH IN TELEVISION! BUT ENOUGH OF THIS, THE SHOW MUST-"

"YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!"

Bob:
"The hell was that?"

Diaboliculis:
"The Squire? That Nun? Soulja Boy? There are many suspects, Bobbert."


"You no good saturday morning cartoon villain, you've screwed me for the last time!"

Diaboliculis:
"Oh goody it's the capitalist, what can be done for you?"

Bucks Quintillion storms over to the commentary desk, goons following him.

Bucks:
"You think I'm stupid, Doc!? I've reviewed the security cams around the time the Skunkape got let out of its cage and I have footage of YOU at the scene of the crime! You let loose a dangerous wild animal on the people in this building and more importantly DEPRIVED MY PERSONAL ZOO OF ITS STAR ATTRACTION!"

Diaboliculis:
"Oh. Yes, I did do that."

Bucks:
"DON'T TRY AND DENY-wait what?"

Diaboliculis:
"That thing, I did that thing."

Bucks:
"WHY!?"

Diaboliculis:
"Because I thought it would make a cool wrestler. And also I hate you. Seriously you've wrestled like once since I hired you, you Fortune 500 Freeloader, so it seemed like a win-win to me."

Bucks:
"You will RUE THE DAY you messed with Bucks Quintillion, Doc, RUE IT! I'll find a way to make you pay for this if it's the last thing I do!"

Bucks storms off, teeth gritted, fists clenched.

Bob:
"Just making friends, everywhere ya go, just maaaaking friends."


"HARK, SINNERS!"

Bob:
"Speaking of the-well, Father, Son and the Holy Spirit."

Sister Beth Mercy steps out with a mic in hand.

Mercy:
"Before the Archangel graces you all with his presence tonight I must have words with his opponent, the so-called Princess of Glitter..."

As if in answer someone slips out from behind Mercy


"Oh ho ho ho-oops sorry, bet I'm bringing up bad memories. What'cha wanna chat about?"

Mercy jumps and backs away from the ferocious fae before clearing her throat.

Mercy:
"Hark creature and hear me well, the words of the Lord ye must abide!"

Princess:
"Must I though? Must. I?"

The Princess advances on Mercy who slides into the ring, following her in.

Princess:
"Goodness you are a slippery little one aren't ya? I know the Lord is your shepherd but it's hard to keep you penned in."

Mercy begins circling the Princess, at the same time a member of the ring crew, careful to keep behind the latter circles the ring and sprinkles...something on the apron.

Bob:
"The hell is he doing over there?"

Diaboliculis:
"Oho, bold strategy, Sister, guess you HAVE read your Habakkuk after all."

Bob:
"Her what?"

Diaboliculis:
"Go back and watch the first event, Bobbert, I can't explain call backs all night."

Ring Crew Member:
"NOW SISTER!"

As the crew member completes a circuit of the ring, Mercy flings herself out of the ring and shouts something in Latin. The Princess smirks and leaps after her-

Then rebounds off a seemingly invisible wall!

Princess:
"What did you do...?"


"WHAT. DID. YOU. DO!?"

Mercy:
"Thou'rt bound, fairy! There is no escape from this holy circle of sacred salt! Thine tricks shall not avail thee in its confines! NOW COME FORTH, ARCHANGEL GABRIEL! DEFEAT THIS BLASPHEMOUS CREATURE!"

The lights go bright again and when they lower-


"Greetings, Fae."

Gabriel stands behind the Glitter Princess. Not keen to allow him a chance to find his footing, the Glitter Princess pounces!

THE ARCHANGEL GABRIEL VS THE GLITTER PRINCESS

The Princess pounds at the blue frame of her opponent with shot after shot as he smiles placidly down at her. With a growl she attempts to bounce off the ropes but smashes into them like they're a solid wall and comes stumbling back into a falcon arrow from Gabriel! A nearfall for the angel but he isn't done yet, picking up his opponent and smashing her a running knee to the chin followed up with a devastating brainbuster that puts her down for a pinfall. Post-match Gabriel casually directs the ring crew member to break the seal of salt around the ring, allowing Princess to flee to lick her wounds, a high profile victory for the Angel in only his second match...

WINNER VIA PINFALL: THE ARCHANGEL GABRIEL

Bob:
"The Glitter Princess has fallen and Gabriel is standing tall. The Smurfly Seraph is proving himself to be a very big thorn in your side, Doc."

Doc:
"Thorn in my side? Hah! Someday Bobbert you shall learn that all things here are to my benefit, and you'll learn it just after the Abrahamic Interlopers do as well. But first, Hillbillies! High School! Who is number one!? Who is number two!? Who will beat the -sophmoric censorship- out of who!? COMMENCE TO WRESTLING!

SARAH ALLSTAR & BATTERING LAMB VS THOSE HILLBILLIES

Team Spirit clashes with downhome brawling in a battle for the ages as Battering Lamb's new direction in life sees him following the directions of Sarah Allstar to dominate the hillbillies in the early goings. However, if there's one pair that know how to handle a sheep it's those two-wait that came out wrong, I mean they really know how to grab some mutton-I mean...
...
...
Sarah hit a crossbody on the not as large one and won, ok? Let's just...let's just move on.

WINNERS VIA PINFALL: SARAH ALLSAR & BATTERING LAMB

Diaboliculis:
"AGAIN THE HILLBILLIES FALL! IN RETROSPECT PERHAPS HIRING TWO RANDOM GUYS WHO HAD A GRUDGE AGAINST AN EMPLOYEE DOES NOT AN INTERESTING SHOW MAKE!"

Bob:
"Eh, how were you to know? Anyway what's next on the docket-?"


"HAY KIDS!"

Bob:
"...the hell?"

A man in white and red striped overalls and a clown nose capers out from the back, waving with white gloved hands.

Man:
"I HOPE YA'LL ARE HAVIN' A GREAT TIME OUT THERE BECAUSE IT'S ONLY GONNA GET BETTER CUZ IT'S ME! IT'S ZIPPY!"

It's Zippy! prances around the ring, waving his arms and slapping hands with the (thankfully) very adult attendees to the event before rolling into the ring.

It's Zippy!:
"I hope you kids're ready for a one heckuvan edutainment spectacular because when It's Zippy! it's fun as fun can be!"

Diaboliculis:
"Bobbert, I think I dislike this man. His earnestness displeases me."

Bob:
"Well considering he can't seem to see there are zero kids in the audience he's due to walk off a cliff before long."

It's Zippy!:
"Now who wants to learn about proper diet and exercise!"

Voice:
"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

It's Zippy! looks around in confusion, not sure who could possibly be against good wholesome family entercation.

\
Oh, that makes sense.

Human Hotdog who was (somehow) inconspicuously sat in the audience boos and hucks popcorn at It's Zippy! like a petulant heckler at an open mic night.

It's Zippy!:
"Jeepers pal, it seems like you've got a problem!"

Human Hotdog:
"You're doggone right I do, how dare you bring that diet nonsense into MY house! I am made of unmentionable horse bits and mafia victims and I will not stand for this discrimination!"

It's Zippy!:
"Easy now, Frank-Friendo, I'm not saying you should never eat hot dogs-"

Bob:
"I am, did you hear what he said he was made of!?"

It's Zippy!:
"It's just that processed meats and sweets are a sometimes food, not an all the time foo-"

Hotdog:
"Thaaaat's it, I'm gonna show you an all the time food, MY FIST!"

Hotdog stands and storms the ring...and awkardly has to try and roll in, his big inflatable bun body making it hard to get in the ring...

It's Zippy!:
"You uh...you need help?"

Hotdog:
"No no, I got this! I...rrrrgh! Got this!"

Hotdog repeatedly tries to roll in under the bottom rope but can't fit. eventually the referee and It's Zippy! pull up on the bottom rope and grab a limb to extrude him into the ring. The fans cheer as It's Zippy! and the ref lift Hotdog up and lift his arms!

Bob:
"THEY DID IT! BY GOD THEY DID IT!"

Diaboliculis:
"THE SAUSAGEHOOD DREAM HAS COME TRUE!"

Then hotdog punches It's Zippy! in the face.

Bob:
"Oh right there's a match too."

HUMAN HOTDOG VS IT'S ZIPPY!

Hotdog starts off in a flame grilled fury, brawling with It's Zippy! around the ring and bringing the processed pain as the misplaced children's show host is sent reeling by blow after blow! The fans are split between the two battlers, some cool with how the sausage gets made some very much not-

Bob:
"That reminds me, when are we doing another versus show?"

Diaboliculis:
"A what?"

Bob:
"Y'know that thing that makes us unique from other promotions, the one where we split the audience on some arbitary topic?"

Diaboliculis:
"OH SHIT I FORGOT ABOUT THAT! UHM...we're doing it right now, yes this entire show has been another versus show."

Bob:
"What, no it isn't."

Diaboliculis:
"Of course it is! QUESTION ME NOT!"

Bob:
"What's the topic then?"

Diaboliculis:
"Fuck vs You."

Meanwhile in the ring, It's Zippy! manages a surprise come from behind victory...in that he sneaks up behind hotdog and hits him with a german suplex, which the dog's natural bounciness makes him rebound from and go stumbling into the ropes and back into a lariat to the back of the bun! Victory for leafy greens everywhere!

WINNER VIA PINFALL: IT'S ZIPPY!

We head backstage for a special interview with-


"GREETINGS AMERICAN COMRADES, IT IS I, DEFINITELY A. AMERICAN! I AM HERE FOR TO PARTAKE IN WONDROUS CAPITALISMS AND CORRUPT DEMOCRACY! LET US WINE AND DINE WITH A CHIKEN MCNOODLE AT THE BURGER TSAR! I-"

Definitely's pseudo-patriotic ramblings are interrupted by another arrival.


"Whooooa dude, that flag is like...talking."

A woman with pink hair half steps half stumbles into the shot and kind of just...hangs on Definitely like a reverse flagpole...

Definitely:
"What is this now?"

Woman:
"Hey there, Mr. Flag, I'm Hallucinogen, I am like...soooooo happy to be here."

Definitely:
"Da, this is good, morale is important, lest the beings commence..."

Hallucinogen:
"Hehehe, you're funny, flag man. Anyway I gotta like...beat up some cats? Which sucks, cats rule, but that's the job, know what I mean? Keep...wavin'~"

Hallucinogen wanders off, swaying back and forth and sort of shimmying her arms about.

Definitely:
"...weirdo."

Definitely shrugs and follows after her.

HALLUCINOGEN & DEFINITELY A. AMERICAN VS CRUMBLEWHISKERS & TWINKLEJINX

The two lesser members of the Jellicle Cats would be expected to have the experience advantage against the thrown together team of Hallucinogen and Definitely, but that discards a very crucial detail: They're cats. The two chaotic kitties are all over the place from start to finish which comes rather quickly as even when Twinklejinx counters a scoopslam city  by flipping through onto his feet, Hallucinogen nails him with a disaster kick that lays him out for the pin while Crumblewhiskers is...wait where IS he?

WINNERS VIA PINFALL: HALLUCINOGEN & DEFINITELY A. AMERICAN

Bob:
"The cats take their eye off the ball (uncharacteristic, I know) and pay the pri-wait what's that over there?"

The answer to that is Crumblewhiskers getting tossed into one of the vending machines by-


Ah, that makes sense.

Diaboliculis:
"WILL THIS WAR EVER END!?"

Twinklejinx is still out of it in the ring as his tag partner is getting beaten on by Chuckles and Smiles, the cavalry finally arrives-


As King Juggamuffin-

WHAM!


Takes a test your strength mallet to the back by Mr. Giggles!

The largest of the cats laid out, all three clowns take the King to the merch table and SMASH him through it with a triple powerbomb!

Diaboliculis:
"NO! THINK OF THE MONEY YOU FOOLS!"

Bob:
"The clowns have a match later tonight, they must be trying to enture no feline interference!"

Diaboliculis:
"A PLAGUE ON BOTH THEIR HOUSES! WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT CONTINUITY!?"

Bob:
"Wouldn't me remembering that be expressing continuity?"

Diaboliculis:
"I DESPISE PARADOXES, BOBBERT! SPEAK NO MORE! QUICKLY TO THE BACKSTAGE FOR MORE TALKING!"

We do indeed cut to the back where the Iron Lovers are standing by!


"TONIGHT!!!!! TONIGHT MY LOVE!!!!! TONIGHT YOU TAKE THE PIRATE PANSY PISSANT TO PUNISHTOWN!!!!!!"

THE ANVIL!!!!! thrashes around excitedly, skronking and snorping in his all-natural perma-rage until THE HAMMER!!!!! 'calms' him with a right hook to the jaw.


"CALM YOURSELF MY LOVE!!!!! THIS IS MY BATTLE AND I WILL FIGHT IT UNTIL THE END OF THE CENTURLLENIUM!"

THE HAMMER!!!!! turns her attention to the camera.

THE HAMMER!!!!!:
"SWAAAAAAASHBUCKLER! YOU THINK THE WAVES OF THE CARRIBBEAN WILL SAVE YOU!? THAT A FORTY CANNON BROADSIDE CAN MATCH THE MIGHT OF MJOLNIR!?!?!?!? YOU DON'T HAVE THE SCURVY-STAVING CITRUS ORBS TO STAND UP TO ME!!!! THAT IS WHY YOU SNEAK THROUGH THE NIGHT WITH A FALSE FLAG AND A RATTY BILGE TRYING TO PILFER MY POWER!!!!! TONIGHT I SEND YOU BACK TO THE SEA SERPENT YOU BEDDED WITH YOUR TAIL BETWEEN YOUR LEGS AND YOUR HEAD BETWEEN YOUR CHEEKS!!!! BEWARE THE POWER OF THE HAMMER!!!!!!! RRRRRAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

THE ANVIL!!!!!!:
"HRRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!"

Both:
"GRRRRRRRAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

Both of the face painted warriors storm off screen screaming their heads off but the camera stays on as someone else steps into frame.


"Hey hey hey, don't you cut back fool! HEY! Madison Murk! You think you can get away with what you did to me!? Last month was a fluke! A fluke! You ain't gonna have that big bad babe to back you up this time, I want you one on one and I'll send ya runnin' back to the hot topic they found ya in! NOW cut, got it!?"

DA FUNK APE & CRAB RAVE VS CLOWNS

Apparently 'tonight' meant more along the lines of 'after these promos' because the Clowns don't even leave ringside before they're accosted by the funkiest threesome in the South East. Still enthralled by the power of the Funk, Da Funk Ape grooves along with his two comrades to take on the circus dwellers. Perhaps they were already winded from their beatdown on the Cats, perhaps the Cats never needed to interfere in the first place because the funky bunch absolutely run roughshod over them, eventually claiming victory after a brain chop by Da Funk Ape is followed up by a ropewalk axehandle by Crab Man for the win.

WINNERS VIA PINFALL: DA FUNK APE & CRAB RAVE

We cut to backstage for a moment to find a commotion going on.


"-and if you don't deliver this time, I swear on my inherited wealth I'm going to make you regret EVER accepting contract work from me!"


"Yarrr it be not my fault you wasted yore men chasin' after that gorilla's hairy backside, the plan were they distracted yon Iron Maiden while I purloined the hammer!"

Bucks:
"You should have improvised! I've seen the pirate movies, just sword fight them on a water wheel or something!"

Swashbuckler:
"Don't ye lump me in with yon Johnny Depp vehicles, land lubber!"

Bucks:
"Just do your job you miserable excuse for a privateer or so help me I'll make you wish you never left Penzance!"

Bucks suddenly finds a cutlass to his neck.

Swashbuckler:
"Choose your words wisely, matey, ye be no Modern Major General and I'll pilfer as I please!"

Swashbuckler storms through the entrance curtain, leaving Bucks fuming as it's time for our main event.

THE HAMMER!!!!!! VERSUS SWASHBUCKLER
WINNER GETS MJOLNIR

A clash of speed versus strength for our main event all for a marbles-er Mjolnirs. Swashbuckler confounds the holder of Thor's Hammer for the early goings but a catch on a springboard crossbody sees Swashbuckler thrown across the ring and scurrying for his cutlass. THE HAMMER!!!! grabs her own signature weapon and a duel commences, THE HAMMER!!!!'s various ground pounds only helping Swashbuckler to acrobatically bounce around the ring and try to get around her solid guard, eventually the two of them take a tumble outside the ring and-

WHAM! SMACK!

They're blindsided by-


THE CLEAR CUTTERS! AND SPARKLESHINE MUFFIN (and her jockey)!

DOUBLE DQ!

As the crowd boos Bucks Quintillion steps out from the back and smirks. As his lackeys beatdown the two fighters he grabs a mic and laughs.

Bucks:
"Sorry there, Bucky boy, but I think I'll just cut out the middleman-get it, cuz sword? Hah, I crack me up."

Bucks steps up and goes to grab Mjolnir off the ground...it doesn't budge. He grunts and wriggles, trying to heft his prize, he motions for his lackeys to help and the four of them cannot lift the hammer off the ground!

Bob:
"It seems Bucks isn't up to the Vikings' low standards."

Diaboliculis:
"OF COURSE, CAPITALISTS ROB PEOPLE UNTIL THEY DIE, AT LEAST THE VIKINGS KILLED THEM FIRST!"

"RRRAAAAAAAARRRRGH!"

From the back comes THE ANVIL!!!! who bowls the four of Quintillion Corp over, checking on his lover who rolls into the ring along with Swashbuckler and the three of them face off with Bucks' crew. Bucks glares and grabs the mic again.

Bucks:
"WELL!? WHAT ARE YOU THREE WAITING FOR!? GET THEM!"

The Clear Cutters brandish their axes and Sparkleshine Muffin's jockey raises his riding crop like a cavalry saber before charging into the ring. We have a new main event!

QUINTILLION CORP VS THE IRON LOVERS & SWASHBUCKLER

The Clear Cutters immediately get into a weaponry-based duel with THE HAMMER!!!! and Swashbuckler as Sparkleshine Muffin's jockey whips at THE ANVIL!!!!! with his own weapon. Realizing he is the odd man out, THE ANVIL!!!! flees the ring as Sparkleshine Muffin's jockey gloats at his 'victory' until THE ANVIL!!!!-


PULLS AN ANVIL OUT FROM BENEATH THE RING!

Holding it over his head, he chases the jockey around the ring as horse and rider flee and eventually seek refuge behind Bucks Quintillion who tries to reverse the situation. The two of them jockey (haha) for position until THE ANVIL!!!! tosses his weapon at the both of them and flattens them to a cheer from the crowd. Back in the ring Lumber Jackson gets his axe cut in half by the power of Mjolnir and Clause Reed's attempt at an attack from behind is cut off by a pommel blow from Swashbuckler's cutlass! THE HAMMER!!!!! roars and slams the mat with Mjolnir and sends both Jackson and Reed to their backs, allowing Swashbuckler to nail the latter with a cannonball senton for the pin and the win! THE ANVIL!!!! returns to the ring and the Iron Lovers have a staredown with the pirate before giving him a nod and allowing him to leave, a newfound respect between both parties...

WINNERS VIA PINFALL: THE IRON LOVERS & SWASHBUCKLER

DIABOLICULIS:
"AND ONCE AGAIN MJOLNIR STAYS WHERE IT BEGAN THE NIGHT! THE IRON LOVERS AND THE PIRATE HAVE TRIUMPHED OVER THE RICH BOY! MAYBE NEXT TIME HE'LL FIGHT HIMSELF! GOOD NIGHT EVERYONE!"

The lights go out.

Bob:
"So who won, Fuck or You?"

Diaboliculis:
"BITE ME!"

Bob:
"Ooh, darkhorse victory there."

SMACK!

Bob:
"OW!"

Edited October 23, 2022 by Pteroid

[Pteroid]

"AHA THERE YOU ARE YOU HORDE OF EMPTY-HEADS! THE DRUDGEROUS HELL OF SUMMER IS BEHIND US! NOW BECOMES THE SLIGHTLY LESS HOT DRUDGERY OF FALL HAS COMMENCED! NOW! I WILL LEVEL WITH YOU! NO ONE GIVES A FLYING FIG ABOUT SEPTEMBER WRESTLING SHOWS, NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON EVER, INCLUDING ME! SO WE'RE JUST GONNA TAKE IT EASY THIS MONTH, KEEP IT COOL AND CASUAL!"

RING RING

"PARDON ME THAT IS MY CELLULAR TELEPHONE! Ahoy hoy! What? WHAT!? HE HIRED WHO!? TO DO WHAT!? NO! YES!? MAYBE!? I CANNOT SLAM THIS PHONE BUT IMAGINE I DID!"

"DID YOU HEAR THAT ONE-SIDED CONVERSATION!? OF COURSE YOU DID! I AM THE LOUDEST MAN IN FLORIDA FIVE YEARS RUNNING! THE PLANS HAVE CHANGED! EXCITEMENT! DISMAY! BE READY OR BE DESTROYED!"


NO PROS WRESTLING PRESENTS
the one that happens in september

MAIN EVENT FOR THE HAMMER OF THOR, MJOLNIR
THE HAMMER!!!!! VS AN OPPONENT HANDPICKED BY BUCKS QUINTILLION!

MELANCHOLY MOLLY VS THE ARCHANGEL GABRIEL

THE MATCH SO NICE WE ALLITERATED TWICE
MOUSTACHIO MILANO VS MADISON MURK

IT'S ZIPPY VS ENIGMATICO

A DEBUTING THIRD GENERATION WRESTLER VS THOSE RANDOM HILLBILLIES (YES AGAIN)

CRAB RAVE VS THE CLEAR CUTTERS

[KyTeran]

MAIN EVENT FOR THE HAMMER OF THOR, MJOLNIR
THE HAMMER!!!!! VS AN OPPONENT HANDPICKED BY BUCKS QUINTILLION!

MELANCHOLY MOLLY VS THE ARCHANGEL GABRIEL

THE MATCH SO NICE WE ALLITERATED TWICE
MOUSTACHIO MILANO VS MADISON MURK

IT'S ZIPPY VS ENIGMATICO

A DEBUTING THIRD GENERATION WRESTLER VS THOSE RANDOM HILLBILLIES (YES AGAIN)

CRAB RAVE VS THE CLEAR CUTTERS

[Pteroid]

NoPE Presents: the one that happens 
Live From: Orlando, Florida
Attendance: 148

The balmy days of September are upon us and the tourists are finally starting to screw off back to their homes, it's a time of relaxation and reflection in-


"WE'RE NOT DOING THAT, STUPID, DID YOU NOT READ THE PREVIEW!?"

-...maybe.

Diaboliculis:
"IT IS CHAOS HERE, MADNESS! AND IT'S ALL ONE MAN'S FAULT! THE ONE ABOUT TO COME THROUGH THE CURTAIN!"

On cue out from the curtain comes a random production assistant.

Diaboliculis:
"GET HIM!"

Members of the audience swarm and begin beating on the hapless employee.

Diaboliculis:
"WAIT NO, WRONG GUY WRONG GUY!"

The fans awkwardly shuffle away as the PA is dragged to the back and the TRUE author of tonight's events makes himself known:


"Well howdy-doo, scumbags!"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-


"We got a problem out here?"

-OOOOOoooooo...uh oh.

Flanked not by lumberjacks but two very imposing men, Bucks Quintillion struts his way to the ring and flashes a smirk.

Bucks:
"Well well well, here we are again. Tonight THE HAMMER!!!! has accepted the challenge I laid out, Mjolnir on the line in a match against a champion of my choosing! However I had to outsource to make sure this job got done and luckily the DiMeo family out of New York was happy to pay me back for some...financial assistance I gave them during a worker strike a few years ago. Say hi to Mr.'s Scaramoni & Marino, folks, they're about to ruin your favorite facepainted freak's day."


"SAL DIMEO!?"

Diaboliculis:
"WHO HAS SALTED THE MAYO!? SUBHUMAN FIENDS!"

Bob:
"No Doc, Sal Dimeo is a crime boss, the most ruthless man to ever step in an NYCW ring!"

Diaboliculis:
"MY GOD...WHY HAS HE NOT BEEN ARRESTED!?"

Bob:
"BECAUSE WRESTLING!"

Bucks:
"Tonight HAMMER!!!! you're going to face the biggest challenge yet, because I got everything to gain and nothing to lose, HAHAHAHA!"

"HRRRRAAAAAAAARRRRGH!"


THE IRON LOVERS ARE HERE!

Holding Mjolnir high, THE HAMMER!!!! leads the way, viciously she points it at the assembled men in the ring.

THE HAMMER!!!!!:
"LEGION ARE THE QUINTILLIONS IN THE WORLD WHO PONTIFICATE ON THE POWERS OF THE DOLLAR ALMIGHTY! BUT IN MY RING IT IS STRENGTH OF ARMS AND STRENGTH OF HARMS THAT WINS THE DAY! BRING YOUR MERCANARIES, BUCK MAN, THEY WILL FALL LIKE YOUR LUMBERJACKS AND YOUR PRECIOUS CAVALRY! I! AM! THE! HAMMERRRRRRR!!!!!!"

She slams Mjolnir on the ground to punctuate her point and storms to the back with THE ANVIL!!!!! behind her throwing up metal hands signs and headbanging. Bucks growls and snaps his fingers, he and his enforcers for the night making their own way to the back.

Diaboliculis:
"HIGH STAKES TONIGHT, BOBBERT, IF THOSE TWO LEGBREAKERS FAIL THEY MUST ANSWER TO MERCILESS HELLBASTARD EMPLOYER BACK IN NEW YORK!"

Bob:
"DiMeo?"

Diaboliculis:
"WORSE! LAWRENCE VESSEY!"

CRAB RAVE VERSUS THE CLEAR CUTTERS
Neither side is accompanied by their usual backup for this match, Crab Rave minus Da Funk Ape and The Clear Cutters not joined by Sparkleshine Muffin (and her jockey). Even without their plus-sized compadre, Crab Rave give a good accounting of themselves by countering the hardnosed brawling of the Cutters with their brand of funkadelic antics, managing to catching Reed and Jackson in multiple rolls up before a mistimed call for the Disco Ball simply sees Masque getting shoved into it while Crab Man falls victim to the double polish hammer for the pin.

WINNERS VIA PINFALL: THE CLEAR CUTTERS

Post-match the Clear Cutters seize the disco ball and start bashing it with their axes, trying to destroy the treasured keepsake of Crab Rave!

Bob:
"Aw man this isn't cool!"

Diaboliculis:
"LIKE HOMOPHOBES IN 1970'S CHICAGO, THESE TWO LUMBERJACKS ARE AFTER DISCO DEMOLITION!"

Just when it seems like the ball is going to be shattered, the cavalry arrives!


(As opposed to the other side's cavalry which is actual cavalry)

Da Funk Ape grooves on down to the ring and starts clearing house! Forearm! Forearm! Scoopsla-think better of it and brain chop instead! The Clear Cutters flee the scene and Da Funk Ape cradles the almost destroyed Disco Ball in his arms. He's joined by Crab Man and Masque and the trio leave with what little consolation they still have.

Bob:
"Man you were right about this show being high octane, Doc, shame nobody's gonna see it since it's happening in september."

Diaboliculis:
"I AGREE BOBBERT, THIS YEARLY DOWN PERIOD DISTRESSES ME, I HAVE HAD TO RESORT TO CHEAP PROMOTIONAL TACTICS!"


"HAY DOC!"

Diaboliculis:
"GAH! RURALITY!"


The Hillbillies that got beat up a bunch this year are in the ring and waiting for their opponent. The she-hillbilly has a mic and is looking impatient.

She-Billy:
"Ya'll gonna bring out these here boys' opponent? We ain't got all night."

Diaboliculis:
"HM? OH RIGHT! PARDON ME!"

Diaboliculis pulls out a walkie talkie and speaks into it.

Diaboliculis:
"IRWIN THIS IS BIG D, REPEAT, BIG D TO IRWIN, FERAL HOGS ARE IN POSITION RELEASE D3, REPEAT RELEASE D3!"

Bob:
"What the hell is D3?"

Diaboliculis:
"Well remember that third generation wrestler I talked about?"

Bob:
"Yes?"

"ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAR!"

Bob:
"JESUS CHRIST!"

There are screams all over the small arena as-HOLY FUCKING SHIT


IT'S A BEAR!

Diaboliculis:
"MEET DEWEY THE BEAR THE THIRD! GO GET'EM SPORT!"

Bob:
"DOC YOU MANIAC!"

The Bear rampages around ringside before rolling into the ring and the match is on-!

DEWEY THE BEAR III VS TWO VERY SCARED HILLBILLIES

The lights go out.

[VARIOUS SCREAMS AND CHOMPING NOISES]

The lights come up to no hillbillies, some suspicious stains, and the bear nuzzling the hand of the she-billy.

WELP.

WINNER VIA DEVOURANCE: DEWEY THE BEAR III

Diaboliculis:
"AN OVERHWELMING VICTORY FOR DEWEY IN HIS DEBUT! HIS DEWBUT IF YOU WILL!"

Bob:
"HELP THAT POOR WOMAN, YOU LUNATIC!"

She-Billy:
"Well uhm...didn't expect this. Maybe it's mah honeysuckle perfume."

Diaboliculis:
"THE BEAR HAS IMPRINTED UPON THE SHE-BILLY-"

She-Billy:
"MAH NAME IS BILLIE-ANNE!"

Diaboliculis:
"CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR NEW MANAGERIAL CHARGE! I WILL GRANT YOU THE OWNERSHIP PAPERS AND HIS LITTERBOX AFTER THE SHOW! BEGONE!"

Billie-Anne:
"Bet that rich sumbitch ain't gonna talk his smack to me now, at least."

Billie-Anne shrugs and wanders to the back, bear in tow.

Bob:
"...Doc, you're one depraved little man"

Diaboliculis:
"NONSENSE, I'M A HUMANITARIAN!"

Bob:
"TWO HUMANS JUST GOT EATEN BY A BEAR YOU LET LOOSE!"

Diaboliculis:
"...I AM A BEARITARIAN! NOW PLEASE CLEAN UP THE RING, MAN I HAD BEAT UP EARLIER, TO FILL TIME: EDUTAINMENT!"


"EDUTAINMENT!?"

Diaboliculis:
"DID I STUTTER!?"

It's Zippy! steps out from the back and rolls into the ring before slipping on a patch of what we can only assume is ex-hillbilly. He's shoved out of the ring by the heavily bruised PA's mop before regaining his footing outside and brushing himself off.

It's Zippy!:
"HEY KIDS!"

Again, no children (thankfully) at this show.

It's Zippy!:
"Gosh good goodness, that ring is red! I wonder how that came to be! Must be a mystery!"

It's really not.

It's Zippy!:
"Y'know what else is like a mystery? Puzzles! Puzzles are great for exercising young minds! These can range anywhere from crosswords, to junior jumble, to the voynich manuscript home game, to even this-"

It's Zippy! holds up a rubix cube.

It's Zippy!:
"Would anybody like to take a crack at this bad boy?"


"FINALLY! MY TIME TO SHINE!"

Diaboliculis:
"Who the hell is that?"

Bob:
"Enigmatico, he's been on like-what-five shows so far?"

Diaboliculis:
"Oh. I thought I let him go like the goldilocks girl or the mime..."

Bob:
"I was wondering where they went!"

Diaboliculis:
"It was a...quiet affair. Eh? EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH?????"

Enigmatico:
"Shut up over there, I finally have proper screen time and by jove I'mma use it! Gimme that clown boy!"

It's Zippy!:
"Not a clown, just a children's entertain-"

Enigmatico swipes the rubix cube.

It's Zippy!:
"-er. Well this guy's fill of pep, kids! Let's see how he does!"

Enigmatico begins working on the rubix cube.

And he keeps working...

Aaaaaaand keeps working...

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand keeps working...

It's Zippy!:
"You uh...you need any help there?"

Engimatico:
"Shut up, I got this."

He keeps at it, It's Zippy! looks around awkwardly.

This goes on for a rather...uncomfortable amount of time.

Diaboliculis:
"HEY HE'S TRYING TO PEEL THE STICKERS OFF AND PUT THEM BACK ON!"

Enigmatico:
"SHUT UP! I'M SMART, THAT'S MY CHARACTER TRAIT! I CAN DO THIS!"

Diaboliculis:
"YOU'RE ONLY GETTING SCREENTIME TO PAD WHILE WE CLEAN THE MAT YOU OVERGROWN JIGSAW PUZZLE, DON'T GET SNIPPY WITH ME!"

Enigmatico:
"OOOOOH THAT'S IT, YOU! HOLD THIS!"

Enigmatico hands the rubix cube off to It's Zippy! and makes to storm over to the announce desk.

It's Zippy!:
"Hey I got it!"

Enigmatico stops in his tracks as It's Zippy! holds up the suddenly completed rubix cube.

Enigmatico:
"YOU SON OF A-!"

Enigmatico rounds on the children's show host and tosses him into the ring, conveniently cleaned in the absurdly long angle.

IT'S ZIPPY! VS ENGIMATICO

Enigmatico is full of a fiery rage, pounding on It's Zippy! in the early goings, yelling at him for ruining his only chance at characterization. However, It's Zippy! is a canny competitor (probably making up for him being too stupid to notice the lack of kids) and manages to reverse an attempted backdrop into a german suplex. With Engimatico reeling, It's Zippy puts him away quick with his lariat to the back of the head.

WINNER VIA PINFALL: IT'S ZIPPY!

Diaboliculis:
"VICTORY GOES TO THE NOT A CLOWN!"

Bob:
"Enigmatico is somehow more easily solved than that rubix cube."

Diaboliculis:
"Do not taunt the cube of rubix, Bobbert. BUT AHOY A NEW MATCH OFF THE PORTED BOW, BEHOLD!"

MOUSTACHIO MILANO VS MADISON MURK

The challenge was laid out last month and it's being answered now as this battle of absurd alliteration writes the next chapter in the feud between Murk and Dangerstache's crew. Milano is ready for a scrap and brings all the dirty tricks he has to bear on the creeping gloom, we're talking eye rakes, hair pulls, complaining to the ref about his painted on moustache getting pulled, the works. However, Madison's dealings with the Dangerstache cabal has left her hip to their games and a missile dropkick brings the bout to a brutal end for the baddy.

WINNER VIA PINFALL: MADISON MURK

As Madison dusts herself off post-victory, the lights go very bright and angelic music plays to herald the arrival of-


"I must thank you, downcast one."

The Archangel Gabriel stands before Madison Murk, Sister Beth Mercy hurrying to his side. Murk glares at the two of them.

Gabriel:
"I have no doubts that without your intervention, that one would have proved an impediment to my match, your decisive victory has increased my chances. For this I give thanks."

Murk rolls her eyes and flicks the both of them off, storming to the back...where we hear voices.


"WOMAN IF YOU DON'T GET OUT THERE SO HELP ME!"


"I don't wanna, I'm gonna have a crisis of faith..."

Dangerstache:
"NO SHE IS IN THE MAIN EVENT AND DON'T DEADNAME HER!"

Molly:
"That's not what I meaaaaaant..."

Dangerstache:
"I'll be supporting you...from the other side of the curtain!"

Molly:
"What? But whyyyyyyyy?"

Dangerstache:
"Certainly nothing to do with bodily ejecta being thrown at the giant Jesus statue in Brazil. NOW GET TO IT!"

Molly is literally kicked in the rump through the curtain and she stumbles out, pouting and marching to the ring.

Gabriel:
"My child, I am a servant of the lord and therefore incapable of lying. So believe me when I say, you can do so much better."

Mercy:
"Yes I'm a nun and I think a divorce would do you good."

Molly:
"But then I'd get half of his things...and that includes his awful moustache."

Mercy:
"That's...not how that works but okay."

THE ARCHANGEL GABRIEL VS MELANCHOLY MOLLY

The indomitable path of the archangel continues in the face of NoPE's resident sad sack. Molly tries to give a good accounting of herself by using her uncanny powers of being so comically depressing by relating her experiences involving a weeping statue of the virgin mary somehow ripping out its stone eyes rather than looking at her but Gabriel listens like a patient priest in confession, nodding along even when the story turns into a reverse-weeping angel situation where every time Molly blinked the statue would have run further and further away. By the time Molly gets to the point of telling Gabriel about the statue hurling itself off the top of a cathedral to get away from her, she's somehow tired herself out and flops on the mat, Gabriel gently pinning her in the world's first example of a rhetorical rope-a-dope winning a physical fight.

WINNER VIA PINFALL: THE ARCHANGEL GABRIEL

Bob:
"Praise the Lord that match is over!"

Diaboliculis:
"WHAT!? YOU WILL HAVE TO SPEAK UP I SHOVED WHATEVER CAME TO HAND IN MY EARS TO AVOID HEARING THE HORRID STORY!"

Bob:
"YOU CAN TAKE 'EM OUT DOC, MATCH IS OVER!"

Diaboliculis:
"UNFORTUNATELY MY AD HOC EARPLUGS SEEM TO BE MADE OF GRUMBLING-MATTER! I'LL HAVE TO KEEP TALKING AT THIS ADVANCED VOLUME FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT!"

Bob:
"You...talk like this all the time..."

Diaboliculis:
"WHAAAAAT!? NEVERMIND! IT IS TIME FOR THE MAIN EVENT!"

THE HAMMER!!!!!! VS LUCA SCARAMONI

It would appear of the two of Bucks' legbreakers, it is Scaramoni that is actually here to do the fighting. And fight he does, battering HAMMER!!!!! with the trademark clubbing blows and restholds that are so popular in New York. It's easily the hardest challenge HAMMER!!!! has faced from a physical standpoint as he tosses her around the ring using his superior size and nearly gets her with a Bada-bing Bada-powerboom! However HAMMER!!!! is not one to sleep at all, let alone with the fishes, and with the fans behind her she rallies and knocks the big man unsteady with one-two-three lariats before hitting him with her SPEAR for the win!

WINNER VIA PINFA-


"OH HELL NO! OTHER GUY GET IN THERE!"

Machine Gun Marino storms the ring and we have a SECOND main event!

THE HAMMER!!!!! VS MACHINE GUN MARINO

Marino is a completely different beast compared to Scaramoni, that's to be certain, as he unleasehs blistering punch combos on the winded HAMMER!!! to the delight of Bucks on the outside. It's clear that Marino is the better striker but as the fight goes on he starts to get a big head about his performance and he eyes Mjolnir covetously. Managing to down HAMMER!!!! with an uppercut that sends her into a corner, he goes for signature weapon of Thor. To the shock of everyone he manages to LIFT it overhead...

And he stumbles.

And he staggers.

And he struggles to keep it aloft in the air.

And he EATS A SPEAR FOR HIS HUBRIS!

Enraged by Marino's arrogant attempt on her weapon, HAMMER!!!!! climbs the top rope and holds Mjolnir aloft and waits for Marino to stand. Bucks, sensing his man is in danger, gets on the apron to try and distract her, there's a scuffle as he tries to grab Mjolnir and-

THE HAMMER!!!! SHOVES IT IN HIS HANDS!

Unworthy of the weapon, Bucks PLUMMETS to the floor on the outside from the mystical weight of the hammer! As Marino groggily stands he eats a top rope flying axehandle from HAMMER!!!! that puts him down for the count!

WINNER VIA PINFALL: THE HAMMER!!!!

HAMMER!!!! celebrates her win in the ring but is quick to notice the author of her troubles lately still struggling under Mjolnir at ringside. She rolls out of the ring to get her hands on Bucks just as the Clear Cutters come out from the back with Sparkleshine Muffin (and her jockey) in tow to rescue their boss.

HOWEVER!

SMACK! BASH! WHAM!


THE ANVIL!!!! AND SWASHBUCKLER AMBUSH THEM FROM BEHIND!

With Bucks' backup down and out along with his hired thugs, HAMMER!!! yanks him up by the suit jacket and throws a headbutt to make him quit trying to bribe her for mercy and tosses him in the ring. With the fans cheering her on, HAMMER!!!! hoists Bucks up over her head and lifts him up and down like a barbell as both the New Yorkers and his usual goons slowly recover on the outside. With a primal roar, HAMMER!!!! tosses Bucks out onto his army and wipes them all out, stomping around the ring and howling out her dominance to the crowd when-

The lights go out.

Bob:
"Oh is it time for my post-show one-liner? I-"

"You...Faith Force...The Hammer...Bearer of Mjolnir..."

The lights come back on to see a newcomer in the ring.


"THOU! ART! WORTHY!"

A tremendous masked man in furs wielding a staff slams it on the mat and makes the ground quake. HAMMER!!!! reaches for Mjolnir but-

Man:
"SHEATHE THE BLESSED WEAPON OF THOR, WARRIOR! I AM NO ENEMY OF YOURS! YOU STAND BEFORE THE HIGH PRIEST OF ODIN! KEEPER OF THE OLD WAYS! I COME TO THIS LAND FOR I FELT THE POWER OF MJOLNIR! COME WITH ME, CHOSEN CHAMPION OF THE AESIR, BRING YOUR LOVER, AND TOGETHER WE SHALL WALK A RIGHTEOUS PATH OF THE HEROES OF OLD!"

THE ANVIL!!!! joins them in the ring and shares a look with his lover, who nods and holds Mjolnir high. Lightning strikes and the lights go out.

Bob:
"Somehow I feel like Dunton Hall is behind this..."

[Pteroid]

"SPOOPERY ABOUNDS MY BOYS, GHOULS, AND NONBINARY SPOOLS! WITH THE LIMP NOODLE KNOWN AS SEPTEMBER BEHIND US IT IS TIME FOR THE MONTH THAT IS THE PERSONALITY OF EVERYONE WHO HATES CHRISTMAS: OCTOBER! IT IS TIME...THE MOST AMBITIOUS BOUT IN THE HISTORY OF NOPE!"

"TWENTY BEINGS!"

"TWENTY COSTUMES!"

"A VERY SMALL BUDGET FOR THE AFOREMENTIONED COSTUMES!"

"THIS MONTH I PRESENT TO YOU...THE HALLOWEEN CLUSTERFUCKALYPSE!"

"ALSO...WHATEVER THE HELL WAS GOING ON WITH HAMMER AND THAT HOBO WHO SHOWED UP AT THE END! I DON'T KNOW, I HAD GRUMBLING MATTER IN MY EARS SO I CAUGHT NONE OF WHAT WAS SAID! I'M SURE IT WASN'T IMPORTANT!"


No Pros Wrestling Presents:
HALLOWEEN CLUSTERFUCKALYPSE

MAIN EVENT
THE AFOREMENTIONED CLUSTERFUCKALYPSE
20 CHARACTERS THAT WOULD GET US DMCA'D IF WE LIVESTREAMED THIS
THANK GOD WE'RE POOR
JUST GUESS SOME RANDOM POP CULTURE CHARACTER AND HOPE THEY'RE IN IT, PREDICTORS

ALSO HAMMER!!!!! FACES A TRIAL TO PROVE HERSELF AS THE WIELDER OF MJOLNIR

AND QUINTILLION CORP VS THE GRUMBLING COLLECTIVE (because we needed some more matches for the ratio)

[MidKnightDreary]

Smokey the Bear

HAMMER

Quintillion

[Pteroid]

Bad news to the five or so of you who read this mess, I left my laptop at work so it is unlikely the Clusterfuckalypse will be posted on Halloween like I was hoping for.

 

C’est La Vie

[Pteroid]

NoPE Presents: HALLOWEEN CLUSTERFUCKALYPSE
Live from: Orlando, Florida
Attendance:  160

IT'S SPOOKY MONTH, BABY! Time to dress up as a 'sexy' version of a random object and prove the Europeans right about our sugar intake!


"BOBBERT, THE NARRATOR PRESUMES HE IS GETTING CANDY! OH IT IS TO LAUGH!"

I BEG YOUR PARDON!? I WAS PROMISED A COMICALLY LARGE TOBLERONE!

Diaboliculis:
"YOU ARE INCORPOREAL, YOU FOOL, YOU CANNOT INGEST THE DIABETES-INDUCING SWEETS!"

but...the toblerone...

Diaboliculis:
"TAKE IT UP WITH THE SWISS! NOW WHERE WERE WE?"


"You were shouting at nothing like a lunatic again."

Diaboliculis:
"RIGHT I FORGOT YOU CANNOT HEAR HIM! ...he can't, right?"

I dunno you try and read back through every event, I'm writing this at like 4 AM.

Diaboliculis:
"MY ENMITY WITH CONTINUITY IS WELL KNOWN BY THIS POINT, BOBBERT I HAVE ARBITRARILY DECIDED YOU CANNOT HEAR THE NARRATOR, I MAY DECIDE YOU DO AT A LATER DATE, UNDERSTOOD?"

Bob:
"...and I'm supposed to be the high one?"


"Enough meta jokes, you heathens!"

Oh great it's this lady again. Sister Beth Mercy steps out looking as annoyed as ever.

Mercy:
"It is once again Halloween, the most satanic of holidays...next to Kwanza anyway. In an effort to save your souls I have brought a special musical guest for this evening!"

Diaboliculis:
"Oh God."

Mercy:
"EXACTLY! Everyone please welcome DJ Diamond and Drummer Boy: TENET!"


Coming out from the back and setting up next to the entrance curtain are the aforementioned 'Band', the fans are immediately against this because they know EXACTLY what is coming.

Bob:
"Does that guy have cross-shaped drum sticks?"

Diaboliculis:
"I instantly regret ever meeting this horrible woman, where are those Grumbling-Matter earplugs!?"

Bob:
"Oh no if I gotta suffer through Christian rock, you do too!"

DJ Diamond:
"We're gonna start with our hit single, Grappling with Gomorrah, which topped the charts for fifty-one weeks straight-"

Diaboliculis:
"WHERE!? BACKWOOD COMPOUND FM!?"

Diamond:
"Yes, shout outs to Father Eternal-Fire-Unto-The-Unclean!"

Bob:
"Well ask a silly question..."

Diamond:
"Alright one two, one two three-"
 

Saving us from having to listen to THAT is:


CRAB RAVE!

Diaboliculis:
"I never thought I'd be happy to see these two disco dunderheads in my life!"

Grooving out to the ring the disco duo immediately steal TENET's thunder, blaring the Beegees over whatever in the -well- Heaven the other duo would've been playing. This of course infuriates the pious pair who attempt to bushwhack the free-wheelers and end up outmaneuvered and tossed in the ring, guess we got a match!

TENET VS CRAB RAVE

The newest additions to the roster are handled rather well by the more tenured pair in the early goings as Crab Rave get their dance on much to the chagrin of the rockers. Move after move is avoided thanks to the natural poise that a disco lifestyle gives you, something the stiff-necked devout duo can't get their heads around. However, one thing Tenet DOES have is Sister Mercy in their corner and her divine intervention is enough for Drummer Boy to get a roll up with the tights for a dirty debut win for the devious disciples of the diocese! Thankfully the win is enough to satiate them so they don't try and play their awful awful music...

WINNERS VIA PINFALL: TENET

As Sister Mercy and co. are moving to leave there is a clap of thunder and suddenly in the ring is-


"BEHOOOOOOOOLD, THE CHOSEN OF THOR!"


"HRAAAAAARRRHHHHH!"

THE HAMMER!!!! and the apparent High Priest of Odin appear in the middle of the ring, THE HAMMER!!!! holding high mighty Mjolnir to the approval of the crowd. Mercy glares at this but the other duo don't seem to notice her presence.

High Priest:
"MIGHTY HAMMER, THE TIME HAS COME TO TRULY TEST YOUR ABILITIES AS CHOSEN OF THE AESIR!"

THE HAMMER!!!!!:
"I AM READY, HIGH PRIEST! BRING BEFORE ME THOSE WHO WOULD CHALLENGE MY MIGHT!"

Bob:
"WHY DOES EVERYONE AROUND HER HAVE TO TALK SO DAMN LOUDLY!?"

Diaboliculis:
"I AM NOT COMPLAINING IT SAVES ON THE COST OF MICROPHONES!"

High Priest:
"VERY WELL, TO TRULY SERVE THE MIGHTY AESIR YOU MUST FIRST DEFEAT THEIR ENEMIES! BEHOOOOOLD, I SUMMON THEE, WRETCHED BEAST!"

The High Priest slams his staff onto the mat and the lights go out, when they come back on-


"GROOOOARGH!"

Bob:
"Y'know what honestly after the bear this one doesn't even faze me."

A massive creature stroms around the ring, growling and slashing at the air with its claws.

High Priest:
"THE MIGHTY TROLL! ANCIENT ENEMIES OF THE GODS! DEFEAT THIS MONSTROSITY, CHOSEN ONE, AND BANISH IT BACK TO JOTUNHEIM!"

THE HAMMER!!!!! nods and glares at the beast as it finally takes notice of her and charges! She attempts to smite it with Mjolnir but the hammer is knocked from her hands as the match begins!

THE HAMMER!!!! VS A TROLL (like a physical one, not the internet kind)

Easily the most imposing physical obstacle THE HAMMER!!!! has had to face, the monstrous troll put her on the defensive early, pounding at her attempts to guard and tossing her around the ring. With the High Priest looking on, THE HAMMER!!!! rallies again and again but can't seem to put the Troll on the backfoot, it's only when THE ANVIL!!!!! comes to ringside and begins beating on the apron that things begin to click in the heroine's head. Feinting a dart for Mjolnir, she forces the troll to try and block her, only for THE HAMMER!!!! to slip behind, get a running start, and bring a massive jumping axehandle blow onto the not-at-all polystyrene back of the mythological creature. Caught off-balance, the Troll cannot keep THE HAMMER!!!! from her namesake and an uppercut blow with it sends it flying to its back! The pin afterwards is academic.

WINNER VIA PINFALL: THE HAMMER!!!!!

THE ANVIL!!!! rolls into the ring to celebrate with the other Iron Lover as the High Priest follows them. With a wave of his staff he makes the lights go out and when they come back on the Troll is missing, banished back to Jotunheim.

High Priest:
"Excellently done, champion, excellently done, now comes the next step on the path to returning the Aesir to their proper place-"

Mercy:
"EXCUSE ME!"

Sister Mercy and TENET step into the ring, looking disgruntled.

Mercy:
"The proper place of your heathen gods is right where they are this instant, in hell!"

Bob:
"Strong words from the nun there."

Diaboliculis:
"I DID NOT KNOW SHE GOT HER HANDS ON THE NEXT BOH SEASON SCRIPTS!"

Mercy:
"You can take your hammer, and your facepaint, and your 80's hairmetal aesthetics and get lost, this is the lord's house now!"

High Priest:
"FOOLISH SERVANT OF THE CORPSE GOD, YOU DARE TRIFLE!?"

Mercy:
"Oh I dare alright, and more importantly, HE dares!"

The lights grow excruciatingly bright, holy music is heard as they come down and-


"Greetings, false ones. I see you attempt a most sinful feat, it saddens my heart that there are those yet seeking the favor of that best left to the pit."

The Archangel Gabriel is here, standing serenely in the center of the ring as he takes a step between Sister Mercy and the opposing trio.

High Priest:
"Begone from our sight and return to your twice-dead master, creature!"

Gabriel:
"I cannot do that, I'm afraid. I do the bidding of the servants of the Father. That bidding states I must remove you from this place."

Gabriel steps forward, THE HAMMER!!!! goes to meet him but-


"Y'KNOW SOMETHIN', SMURF!? NOBODY BUT NOBODY MESSES WITH THE ANVIL!!!!!'S HAMMER! YOU THINK YOU'RE BIG TRYIN' TO TAKE HER DOWN WHEN SHE'S DOWN!? NOT TODAY! IF SHE CAN TAKE DOWN A MYTHOMOLOGICAL WHOSIWHATSIT, SO CAN THE ANVIL!!!! SO SQUARE UP!"

Gabriel:
"As you wish, Mr. An-"

ANVIL!!! proceeds to headbutt Gabriel in the face and we have a match!

THE ANVIL!!!! VS THE ARCHANGEL GABRIEL

THE ANVIL!!!! starts the match in an unstoppable rage, pounding on Gabriel with all his might, bashing and smashing with all the fury he can muster! Hard-nosed brawling and power moves give the Archangel a severe run for his money until he counters a running powerslam by sliding behind THE ANVIL!!!!! and chop-blocking his leg. With the momentum halted, Gabriel begins to dissect the proud warrior with precision, focusing on his legs to ensure he can't support his upper body strength-based maneuvers. With THE ANVIL!!!! on the ropes, Gabriel hits his brainbuster (that Diaboliculis identifies as the Godhead) for the victory.

WINNER VIA PIFNALL: THE ARCHANGEL GABRIEL

Immediately after the match, THE HAMMER!!! hits the ring and grabs THE ANVIL!!!!!'S body and while brandishing Mjolnir, clearly torn between defending her lover and ensuring they both escape.

High Priest:
"Enough! Now is not yet the time, young shieldmaiden, come with me, we must escape!"

Gritting her teeth, THE HAMMER retreats with the other half of the Iron Lovers as Gabriel looks on and Mercy smugly celebrates with TENET, the first crack in the duo's armor seen in NoPE's young history...

Bob:
"Well...can't say this doesn't scare me."

Diaboliculis:
"INDEED, FOR UPON THIS HALLOWEEN WE MUST CHOOSE BETWEEN THE HUMAN SACRIFICING MURDERHOBOS OR...THE KIND OF ANNOYING PEOPLE THAT WANT ME TO BE UNEMPLOYED! LET'S GO HOBOS!"

Bob:
"Y'know at this point morality's just kind of out the window isn't it?"

Diaboliculis:
"WOULD GRUMBLINGS EASE YOUR MIND!?"

Bob:
"No. Not at all."

Diaboliculis:
"AH. WELL. TOO BAD."

THE GRUMBLING COLLECTIVE VS QUINTILLION CORP.

The trio of Grumblings came into this match with some serious pep and vigor which Doc attributes to them raiding some small childrens' Halloween hauls while their opponents in Quintillion Corp are seemingly without their CEO in Bucks Quintillion tonight. Consequently the quartet of corpos seemed more keen to goof off without the boss over their shoulders...by which I mean the Clear Cutters stole Sparkleshine Muffin and made her jockey do most of the work which saw him get the absolute crap knocked out of him by the Grumblings until finally coming in to double team El Grumblo and knock his brothers off the apron. Ordering the Jockey to hold El Grumblo still, the lumberjacks attempt to throw their double polish hammer finisher only for Grumblo to duck Grumb-low and force the jockey to take the brunt of the attack. Grumblo rolls Jockey up just as-


DA FUNK APE RUNS TO RINGSIDE

-and scares the living hell out of the Clear Cutters who bail and leave the jockey to be pinned. Poor guy.

WINNERS VIA PINFALL: THE GRUMBLING COLLECTIVE

Post match Da Funk Ape enters the ring along with the Grumblings and-
 

DANCE PARTAAAAAYYYYYY~!



Bob:
"Welp, at least someone is feeling the funk tonight, damned sight better than whatever TENET was gonna make us listen to."

Diaboliculis:
"I AM AMUSED BUT ALSO ENRAGED! WHO TOLD YOU LITTLE FREAKS YOU WERE ALLOWED TO HAVE FUN! BEGONE I SAY I HAVE A MAIN EVENT TO WATCH!"

BANG!

Grumbling and Da Funk Ape scatter as Diaboliculis brandishes his gun and we are ready for our main event, the-

Diaboliculis:
"HEY WHO SAID YOU WERE GOING TO INTRODCUE THIS, SHUT UP!"

Fine...

Diaboliculis:
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT IS TIME-"

TIME FOR THE HALLOWEEN CLUSTERFUCKAPLYPSE!

Diaboliculis:
"HEY!"

That's for the toblerone, asshole.

Bob:
"Uh...doc? The hell happened?"

Diaboliculis:
"THE NARRATOR CUT ME OFF!"

Bob:
"Who?"

Diaboliculis:
"CURSE YOU REMEMBERING MY ORDERS! ENOUGH CALLBACKS, LET THE CLUSTERFUCKALYPSE COMMENCE!"

THE HALLOWEEN CLUSTERFUCKALYPSE
20 BEING BATTLE ROYALE
FIRST ENTRANT:
"TOO BAD, WALUIGI TIME!"

IT'S WALUIGI TIME, BABY!

Skulking out from the back and nearly falling directly on his face, the sibling of a copy who is the copy of a sibling stomps out to the ring, loudly declaring he's 'A-gonna win!' to the crowd, readying himself for entrant number 2...
 

"NYEEEEEHEHHEHEH!"


PAPYRUS UNDERTALE!

Leaping out from the back to an ovation, the quintessential example of bad to the bone enters the ring only to immediately get jumped by purple menace. Waluigi beats Papyrus down to his knees before going to bounce off the ropes and getting hit with a shoulder block from Papyrus' battle body! Papyrus stands and poses for the audience before attempting an early elimination but the lanky villain manages to keep himself inside long enough for entrant 3 to appear:
 

Who the hell is this-uh Syril Karn? Oh from Andor, right that guy.

Stepping out with an imperious sneer, everyone's least favorite Space Opera failson marches to the ring and attempts to pull Papyrus off of Waluigi, dressing down the monster for daring to lay his hands on a fellow human.

Waluigi promptly boots him in the junk and tosses him out of the ring.

SYRIL KARN HAS BEEN ELIMINATED BY WALUIGI

That nonsequiter dealt with, Waluigi and Papyrus continue battling one another with many an attempted elimination between the two until it's time for entrant number four!
 

SMOKEY THE BEAR! (did we not learn from the last one!?)

Acting more like...well, a bear, than he usual does and accompanied by Billie Anne, it's pretty clear that that costume isn't a costume and it's Dewey III out for another rampage. Papyrus and Waluigi look at each other as the big bear enters the ring and attempt to waylay the creature before taking a double clothesline! Smokey proceeds to lay a beatdown on his lanky foes that can only barely not be called a mauling, perhaps Billie Anne's been teaching her new ursine charge how to actually wrestle? Stranger things have happened like-
 

"A Pink Pony entering a battle royale?"

OH DEAR GOD NO, NOT YOU, ANYONE BUT YOU, PINKIE PIE

Pinkamina Diane Pie -shown here illustrated because god knows that costume must be cursed as hell- prances her way to the ring and faces off with Smokey. Any possible alliance based on their shared mammalian traits is out the window as he immediately tries to clobber her (guess we should've booked Fluttershy), but the hyperactive horse is too quick for her more lumbering foe and ends up forcing the bear to give her a piggyback ride as she cheers making a new friend. Here's hoping the next entrant is a little less...that.
 

Honestly compared to the last bunch, Dracula's downright normal.

The lord of the night skulks to the ring and immediately tries to take a bite out of Waluigi-who pulls Papyrus in the way of the onslaught. Being a skeleton, Paps is not exactly in a vampire's well-balanced diet and is flung to the side as the horrifying bat man stalks after the poor Italian (?). Meanwhile Pinkie is directing Smokey around the ring like a horse and rider (irony of ironies) and seems to be more enjoying the fun than actually trying to win. Seeing Dracula chasing Waluigi, she has Smokey chase Dracula and Papyrus joins in the impromptu Benny Hill Fever dream. Hopefully our next entrant can get some things back in order...
 

IT'S WALUIGI'S BIG BRO, WARIO!

Distinctly NOT being portrayed by Elon Musk, Wario trundles to the ring and enters it to put himself between Dracula and his brother! Dracula is immediately bumped into by Smokey, Pinkie, and Papyrus but no sells the force and stares down the portly evil twin of a plumber. It's then that Wario reaches into his overalls and pulls out-


GARLIC (no it isn't a wrestler, don't be silly)

Dracula can only gasp in surprise before Wario takes a big bite and burps a concentrated blast of annihilation right in his face! The vampire thrashes around the ring in agony before Papyrus holds down one of the ropes and allows him to tumble from the ring!

DRACULA HAS BEEN ELIMINATED BY WARIO (and garlic)

Feeling confident after that big elimination, Wario squares off with Smokey and Pinkie, beating his chest and flexing before noticing the distinct height advantage the other two have on him...naturally he decides this calls for a game of chicken and calls over Waluigi whose shoulders he naturally sits on to face off. Papyrus takes the role of referee, producing a whistle from...somewhere and commencing the bout! Waluigi's legs immediately buckle and both Wario Bros faceplant on the mat. Your winners: Smokey the Bear and Pinkie Pie. Papyrus produces a trophy and hands it to the duo who graciously exit the ring to celebrate with the fans. ...HEY WAIT A MINUTE-

SMOKEY THE BEAR AND PINKIE PIE HAVE BEEN ELIMINATED BY PAPYRUS' BIG BRAIN

Somehow garnering himself the most eliminations in the match so far, Papyrus celebrates...only to realize he's now in the ring with two very annoyed Wario Bros who jump him and commence a beatdown! Hey look it's new entrant o'clock, I wonder who'll conveniently arrive on the scene?
 

OH SHIT IT'S SANS UNDERTALE

If he's upset at the beatdown of his brother, Sans doesn't seem to show it, casually entering the ring as Wario breaks off to face off with his fellow short half of a short/tall duo. Sans waves him off and offers a handshake which Wario inspects cautiously before...shrugging and taking it-

PBBBBBTTTTTTTTTT!

Sans starts laughing and throws the whoopie cushion he had hidden in his palm aside. Wario looks furious while Waluigi gives him a wide berth and plugs his nose, apparently not noticing the lack of odor. The yellow and purple clad brute charges but Sans steps out of the way, while Papyrus gets on his hands and kneebones to allow his brother a launch pad for a poetry in motion to Waluigi in the corner. The bone bros attempt to eliminate the lanky villain before Wario manages to recover and attack them from behind, apparently going for a triple elimination before Waluigi manages to slide back in under the bottom rope and start lambasting his partner in crime in what we can only assume is Italian. Meanwhile it's time for another entrant!
 

WHAT SICK MAN SENDS BABIES TO FIGHT THE HEAVY!?

Representing the RED team, the Heavy makes his way into the ring and behind the quarreling Wario Bros.. He helpfully mediates their dispute by smacking their heads together and launching Waluigi with a powerful belly to belly suplex! As Sans and Papyrus manage to get back in the ring Heavy is bealing Wario directly into them and knocking them over like bowling pins. Heavy beats his chest and laughs, smashing into Waluigi with a shoulder block that almost sends him out of the ring before the timer counts down for our next entrant:
 

...
...
...oh shit, right. Uh Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice!


"NOW THAT'S MORE LIKE IT!"

Sliding out from backstage, the demonic bio-exorcist is full of an energy we can only be glad he didn't share the ring with Pinkie Pie for. Outmaneuvering and making a general fool of Heavy, Beetlejuice marshals the other four in the ring into an impromptu handicap match on the Russian. Not even an attempted top up from his beloved sandvich keeps Heavy from feeling the pain from the opposing group, it looks like it's all over for the big bear of a man when we get the buzzer for our next entrant!
 

THE RED ENGINEER IS HERE TO SOLVE SOME PRACTICAL PROBLEMS

Racing to the Heavy's aid, his teammate in RED faces off with the enemy as the big man finally recovers and goes to stand side by side with him. The two share a look and Heavy advances on the enemy when-

The lights go out.
 

"AAAAAAAGHHHH RADDA!"

When they come back up, Heavy is on the outside with a butterfly knife in his back.

HEAVY WEAPONS GUY HAS BEEN ELIMINATED BY-


"I was never really on your side."

-THE BLU SPY!

The SPY casually flicks a cigarette onto the prone form of the Heavy and smirks...before Beetlejuice comes up behind and stabs him in the back more metaphorically by dumping him to the outside. Right on top of the Heavy as a matter of fact, who jolts back to life and chases him to the back.

THE BLU SPY HAS BEEN ELMINATED BY BEETLEJUICE

As the Wario and Bone Bros. resume their family feud, Beetlejuice leans back in a corner and bums some popcorn off a fan, sloppily tossing handfuls in his mouth and at the other four competitors. until we get entrant twelve to enter the fray:
 

HOLY CRAP, IT'S PETER GRIFFIN EHEHEHEHEHEH

The portly family guy is here to bring back the good old fashioned values on which we used to rely! He steps into the ring against Beetlejuice and uhm...gets the crap kicked out of him. Because Beetlejuice is a demon ghost thing and Peter is...Peter Griffin, what's he gonna do? A cutaway gag?

"HOLY CRAP LOIS, THIS IS JUST LIKE THE TIME I ELIMINATED BEETLEJUICE!"

BEETLEJUICE HAS BEEN ELIMINATED BY PETER GRIFFIN

Beetlejuice is suddenly on the outside, looking shocked. What the hell just happened!?

"I took your advice, Mr. Narrator! Eheheheheheh!"

Dear god he hears me, we're all doomed!

"HOLY CRAP LOIS, THIS IS LIKE WHEN I WON THE HALLOWEEN CLUSTERFU-"

BANG!


PETER GRIFFIN IS ELIMINATED BY DOCTOR DIABOLICULIS' GUN

Diaboliculis:
"I CANNOT ABIDE A CHEATER!"

Once again the two sets of Bros. are left to their own devices and after a brief gawk at the blatant murder that just took place, the Wario Bros. cheap shot Papyrus with a 3D and proceed to gang up on Sans. They seem poised for another elimination when-
 

FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER STORMS THE RING!

The lumbering brute storms around the ring, throwing clubbing blows that knock both skeleton and italion off their feet, once again forced to contend with a big a galoot. He grabs Wario up in a corner choke and shakes him roughly for the entire interval before we get to our next entrant:
 

A ZOMBIE...IN A BUSINESS SUIT!

Shambling to the ring trailing some strange white powder...nobody's entirely sure what to make of this until-

Diaboliculis:
"WAIT A MINUTE THAT'S ALLEN PACKER! THE COKE HAS REVIVED HIM! HE IS RISEN...AND HE OWES ME BACKPAY!"

Bob:
"He what-?"

Diaboliculis:
"GET HIM YOU BASTARDS, HE RUINED MY DREAM JOB AT MAW!"

Bob:
"...Doc you're not really keeping your secret identity too well."

As the zomibified former owner of USPW slides into the ring he throws himself at Frankenstein's Monster (yes we will continue to refer to it as that, we're insufferable like that) and attempts to infect him with...well, cocaine addiction probably. The monster throws him off and proceeds to get in a clumsy brawl as the two tag teams try to get themselves back in the game. However, their rest doesn't last long as a sudden alliance is made between the Monster and Packer's Zombie-

Diaboliculis:
"DAMN IT ALL I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN! HE'S NATRUALLY DRAWN TO TALL TALENTLESS SCHMUCKS!"

The two resurrected fighters begin to run roughshod on the Brothers Bone and Wario, eventually managing a double flapjack on Waluigi and a sandwiching double splash on Sans! As Wario tries to keep a low profile, Papyrus is lifted onto the Monster's shoulders as Zombie Packer ascends to the top rope, a Doomsday Device incoming when-
 

HALLOWEEN KNIGHT HERE TO TAKE YOU TO THE BONE ZONE!

The man everyone could've sworn was unmasked in Mexico storms the ring and slams his steel chair into the rump of Packer, sending him stumbling off the ropes and headbutting his impromptu tag partner! Knight runs wild on Packer and the Monster, tossing his chair into the hands of the latter and jump kicking it directly into his face! The classic creature is staggering when Knight reclaims his chair and sets it up in the ring, bouncing off the ropes and leaping atop and off it for a flying heel kick that downs him with a thunderous boom! The Bones Bros rally and begin double teaming Zombie Packer, a seeming natural affinity forming with Knight as they double suplex the zombie to allow Knight to moonsault him! This newfound alliance is running wild in time for our sixteenth entrant to make his presence known.
 

BELOVED TV DETECTIVE FRANK COLUMBO!

Shuffling his way out to the ring, Lt. Columbo takes a puff on his signature cheap cigar and commandeer's Knight's chair to just kind of survey the ring as everyone awkwardly gives him a wide berth, lest their many crimes be found out (Sans knows what he did). Eventually the Zombie Packer emerges from the brawl and tries to lunge at the detective, seizing him by the hair and going to toss him out of the ring and turn away, convinced he's eliminated the cop.

"Just one more thing, Mr. Packer...did ya really think I wouldn't skin the cat?"

A zombie is a curious being, almost completely cut off from its former humanity, it is an emotionless creature driven only by its need to feed...and yet...in this moment. It feels fear.

And Columbo hucks it out of the ring.

ZOMBIE ALLEN PACKER HAS BEEN ELIMINATED BY COLUMBO!

Columbo then does the unthinkable and eliminates himself, stepping out of the ring to clap a pair of cuffs on Packer and take him to the back. Presumably to stand trial for zombie crimes...and also all those messed up business practices.

Anyway who's next?

DETECTIVE COLUMBO HAS BEEN ELIMINATED BY DETECTIVE COLUMBO

As things continue to escalate, it's time for lucky number seventeen:


HERBERT WEST...well that explains the zombies.

Reanimation syringe in hand, Herbert West skulks out from the entrance curtain and-gets caught on another set of handcuffs.


"Yeah you're comin' too, Doc."

West screeeeams as he's hauled back, eliminated before he can even enter the ring.

HERBERT WEST HAS BEEN ELIMINATED BY COLUMBO

Well hell, now what?

Diaboliculis:
"SCREW IT, GET OUT HERE, ALL OF  YOU!'


JASON VORHEES


OPTIMUS PRIME

AND:


POPEYE THE SAILOR MAN!

All hit the ring at the same time and things devolve into absolute chaos! Bodies are thrown left and right! Jason and Frankenstein's Monster struggle for control of the slasher's machete! Halloween Knight fruitlessly attempts to beat on Optimus' armored body with his chair and takes a chokeslam! Popeye wallops Wario and Waluigi, going for his spinach only to find it's now the primary ingredient in a new spaghetti dish of Papyrus'! Taken by compete surprise he's ambushed by Sans and tossed out of the ring!

POPEYE HAS BEEN ELIMINATED BY SANS

Optimus joins the struggle between Jason and Frankenstein's Monster, an impromptu hoss brawl seeing all three lose track of Jason's machete, which Waluigi claims in the single most terrifying mental image I can come up with. Thankfully his first thought is to cut through the top rope they're struggling near and singlehandedly eliminate the three biggest competitors in the match!

OPTIMUS, JASON, & FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER HAVE BEEN ELIMINATED BY WALUIGI

IT IS TRULY WALUIGI'S TIME, WARIO JOINS HIM IN CELEBRATING...in time to face off with the Bone Bros. The time has come, the final showdown between the two most dominating forces in the match. Waluigi brandishes the machete and screams a battle cry, charging the duo of monsters-

CLANG!

THE GIANT KNIFE BOUNCES OFF HALLOWEEN KNIGHT'S CHAIR! THE FOUNDER OF ZEN RAMS HIS WEAPON OF CHOICE INTO THE PURPLE-WEARING PUNISHER'S BELLY AND DEFTLY AVOIDS A CHARGE WARIO WHO EATS A DOUBLE BACK BODY DROP OVER THE ROPES!

WARIO HAS BEEN ELIMINATED BY SANS AND PAPYRUS!

It's a three on one, can Waluigi bring it back!?

NO!

HALLOWEEN KNIGHT TOSSES HIM TO PAPYRUS WHO FINALLY ELIMINATES HIS RIVAL WITH A HIPTOSS OVER THE VERY ROPE WALUIGI CUT!

WALUIGI HAS BEEN ELIMINATED BY PAPYRUS!

Sans and Papyrus raise their arms, waving Knight over to celebrate in a show of bony brotherhood but-

CLANG! CLANG!

HE LAYS THEM BOTH OUT WITH HIS CHAIR! THE TRAITOR TO THE CALCIUM SOAKS IN THE BOOS AS HE NONCHALANTLY TOSSES THEM FROM THE RING!

SANS AND PAPYRUS HAVE BEEN ELIMINATED BY HALLOWEEN KNIGHT

HALLOWEEN KNIGHT WINS THE CLUSTERFUCKALYPSE!

"CORRECTION!"

Knight yanks off his mask


"I WIN THE CLUSTERFUCKALYPSE!"

THE BOOS ONLY GROW MORE INTENSE AS BUCKS QUINTILLION POSES, THE WINNER OF THE CLUSTERFUCKALYPSE! THIS ABSOLUTE BASTARD HAS TAKEN AWAY THE JOY OF HALLOWEEN BY WINNING THE NONSENSE MAIN EVENT! TRASH SHOWERS THE RING AS THE LIGHTS CUT OUT!

Bob:
"...still better than Peter Griffin winning, not gonna lie."

[Pteroid]

"THE TIME OF SPOOPS IS BEHIND US! THE TIME OF YULE IS IN FRONT OF US! THE TIME OF COVERING UP WHAT WE DID TO THE NATIVES IS UPON US! COME TO A THANKSGIVING EXTRAVAGANZA! USE IT AS AN EXCUSE NOT TO TALK TO THAT UNCLE YOU HAVE! YOU ARE SAFE HERE, BE KIND TO YOURSELF! GIVE! ME! YOU! MONEYYYYYY!!!"


No Pros Wrestling Presents:
ESCAPE YOUR RACIST RELATIVES

MAIN EVENT
THE ARCHANGEL GABRIEL VS SWASHBUCKLER

SARAH ALLSTAR & BATTERING LAMB VS TENET

SQUIRE DANGERSTACHE ESQ., MOUSTACHIO MILANO, & MELANCHOLY MOLLY
VS
THE GLITTER PRINCESS, MADISON MURK, & HALLUCINOGEN

A SPECIAL PRESENTATION OF US HISTORY BY IT'S ZIPPY!!

THE HAMMER!!!!! VS BUCKS QUINTILLION

[MidKnightDreary]

THE ARCHANGEL GABRIEL VS SWASHBUCKLER

SARAH ALLSTAR & BATTERING LAMB VS TENET

SQUIRE DANGERSTACHE ESQ., MOUSTACHIO MILANO, & MELANCHOLY MOLLY
VS
THE GLITTER PRINCESS, MADISON MURK, & HALLUCINOGEN

A SPECIAL PRESENTATION OF US HISTORY BY IT'S ZIPPY!!

THE HAMMER!!!!! VS BUCKS QUINTILLION

[KyTeran]

MAIN EVENT
THE ARCHANGEL GABRIEL VS SWASHBUCKLER

SARAH ALLSTAR & BATTERING LAMB VS TENET

SQUIRE DANGERSTACHE ESQ., MOUSTACHIO MILANO, & MELANCHOLY MOLLY
VS
THE GLITTER PRINCESS, MADISON MURK, & HALLUCINOGEN

A SPECIAL PRESENTATION OF US HISTORY BY IT'S ZIPPY!!

THE HAMMER!!!!! VS BUCKS QUINTILLION

[Pteroid]

Ok so slightly distressing news, I am having some slight health issues and it's taking up some of my time. Until I get an idea of what's going on I'm not really going to have the headspace to keep writing. Apologies to all and I'll try to get back to this when I can.

[smw88]

51 minutes ago, Pteroid said:

Ok so slightly distressing news, I am having some slight health issues and it's taking up some of my time. Until I get an idea of what's going on I'm not really going to have the headspace to keep writing. Apologies to all and I'll try to get back to this when I can.

Sorry to hear that, hope you feel better soon.

[MidKnightDreary]

1 hour ago, Pteroid said:

Ok so slightly distressing news, I am having some slight health issues and it's taking up some of my time. Until I get an idea of what's going on I'm not really going to have the headspace to keep writing. Apologies to all and I'll try to get back to this when I can.

Sorry to hear mate, sending some prayers up to Gabriel's boss for ya. Hope you can get better soon.

[Pteroid]

After speaking with my doctor it appears the issues weren't AS bad as I thought they were so I will resume the diary ASAP

[MidKnightDreary]

PTEROID KICKS OUT AT ONE!

[Pteroid]

So...this is a bit embarrassing but I'm gonna be real with ya'll.

I had an idea that I like better than this. Anybody gonna be upset if I just do that diary instead?

[Dawn]

11 hours ago, Pteroid said:

So...this is a bit embarrassing but I'm gonna be real with ya'll.

I had an idea that I like better than this. Anybody gonna be upset if I just do that diary instead?

Big lurker in this diary but I'll give my two cents anyway lol

Anything from you is golden so not really, from a writing standpoint it's much better to be writing something you're fully invested in even if it kills the current project but no matter what you decide I'll be reading either way!

[MidKnightDreary]

I mean, you do great stuff. I'll follow you wherever you go!