Just here to look

April 5

Oh my lord ok I decided I would take a rather large break from these forums… well didn’t decide I just kinda did and now I have a large amount of this to catch up on and go through. Good fecking grief. I noticed at the top of this page you mentioned the fact that I took a bit of a hiatus from my predictions, so that’s pretty much the only reason I’m actually typing this as its own comment instead of on the next predictiony thing. I’ll be caught up on this by… idk Sunday at latest.

January 7

Terrors beat stallions- you mean that Benoit?

Fantastic beat Classic Era- I just kinda flipped a coin for this one

Gilbert beats Hayes- Uhh there was one ECW diary a couple months back I think that had Gilbert as like one of if not the main guy that got stopped and couldn’t be continued for a reason I forget, and that’s why I’m picking Gilbert.

Hogan beats Windham- I can see a story of Hulk started off bad but getting better later on. Heck, you could somehow make Hogan the underdog, two things which haven’t been put together in pro wrestling maybe ever. My counter argument for this is its Hulk Hogan ffs, that ain’t happening.

Luger beats Takada- I’d prefer Takada winning, however Luger kinda went and did a face turn or something and it’d be good to build him up.

Simmons beats Hansen- I like Simmons a bit more.

December 28, 2023

5 hours ago, dstephe4 said:

> Chapter 19: The Beard

The Beard.

December 28, 2023

PS Lucha beat The Journeymen- your name is the journeymen. That doesn’t fill me with any confidence

Johnny B Badd beats Z Man- not a whole lot to say

Butch Reed beats Kevin von Erich- see above

Cactus Jack defeats El Gigante- I think this is most likely. At worst, this is just what I want to happen.

Ric Flair TLD with BVV- Hahaha yeah I cannot decide

The Great Muta beats Bam Bam- I like Bigelow. I hope he does well. I mean I don’t think he will, but it’d be nice.

December 27, 2023

39 minutes ago, CactusHack said:

Misawa with a spinning back-hand strike that seems to KO Flamingo. Hansen jumps up on to the apron and referee Mike Atkins is distracted. Hansen is intimidating Atkins, when Haku enters the ring. Haku with the Savage Kick to knock out Misawa! JR screams that this is bullshit and knows a fine is coming for Flamingo Corp. Haku drapes Scotty Flamingo over Misawa and Atkins turns around finally and makes the count as Flamingo picks up his first win in his first match of WCW Grand Prix competition!

Hansen pulls Scotty Flamingo’s body out of the ring and carries him as he raises his arm in success. Misawa gets to his feet in the ring and is furious with the result, as Mike Atkins tries to explain to him the result. Hansen drags Flamingo to the broadcast booth, where he pulls out a check book and writes a $100K cheque from Flamingo Corp to WCW, paying on-the-spot for his interference penalty…

Scotty Flamingo (1-0-0) defeated Mitsuharu Misawa (0-1-0) in 16:36 by way of pin-fall. This was their first ever match against one another.

Giving the guy who’s paying to be here one of the hardest opponents first was always going to end this way. Saying that, while I did see this coming f**k off Scotty Flamingo you cocky cheating twat!!!

December 24, 2023

Gonna do some rather… interesting predictions here

DDP beat Terry: I mean, yeah

Horsemen beat True Grit: I mean, yeah (but this time, it’s tag teams!)

Eddie and Konnan beat Samoan Swat Team: I feel like LCT is heading towards the top, though this is 60/40 in my eyes

Flamingo wins via BS: do it. Do it you coward. Give this man the heat he should get.

Rick Rude beats Dustin: I reckon Dustin could pull off some major upsets, and starting off the season with the reigning champion losing to a newly promoted side would be great TV. Sure, I don’t think it’s likely enough that I’ll vote in that direction, but I’m saying the possibility is there

Sting beat Arn: 1PWFan has a good reason to vote Arn, however I’m going to go with the probably obvious pick, just to kinda feel it out. Also I just prefer sting and I’m going to be rather biased my predictions if I can be bothered to continue these.

September 17, 2023

1 hour ago, dstephe4 said:

As you can see, the Arrows have already fought in the tournament. They will not be one of the teams competing in that match. If anyone wants to edit their predictions accordingly, go for it.

No! The Arrows WILL win! (nah I’ll change it. Guess we just thought it was the finals for the season finale. Ah well.)

September 14, 2023

Dragonov wins, because MURICA(sucks)!!!

Daniels wins, somehow. Might be through comedy, might be through him deciding to win.

Damian Black wins because I like him

Well well well. I have no clue who is in this match. I’m just gonna go and a limb and say Sting and Darby Allin win honestly idk.

Vertigo vs Man With Dog. Surely you aren’t mental enough to make this a non finish, riiight? We’ll go Vertigo on this one.

Hmmmm. Khubolov, sure.

Marty Scurll will never win.

August 25, 2023

YES!!! MORE SILLY PTEROID WRESTLING BULLS***!!!

July 13, 2023

I’m saying Gordon over Spazic for the simple reason that we can’t have a Russian in Marty Scurll’s Ring of Unwanted Torment.

2Cool beats the Viking Raiders because I want to win the prediction prize and I have a crippling gambling addiction.

Edge “defeats” Bogdan by virtue of Bogdan attempting to kill the bloke and the ref taking a dislike to that.

June 7, 2023

6 minutes ago, Pteroid said:

"-AND TONIGHT I'M GONNA GET REVENGE ON THAT NO-GOOD VERTIGO ONCE AND FOR ALL!"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

"SHUT UP, AUCKLAND OR I'LL SLAP THE LIVER SPOTS OFF YA GRANNIES! VERTIGO THINKS HE'S GOT THE NUMBERS ADVANTAGE WITH ALL HIS LITTLE DOG TURD TECNICO FRIENDS BUT I GOT SOMETHIN' BETTER, I GOT FAMILY! GET OUT HERE, CUZ!"

"Hoo hoo hoo hoooooooo, did somebody say send in the cloooooowns?"

Yep. That's me. You're probably wondering how I got here, well friends the answer to that is simple.

"I'm sorry we're paying how much to a guy with a clown gimmick?"

Then!

"I will literally pay that much for a second guy with a clown gimmick."

And now I live in New Zealand! =D

"Also you're the booker."

Also I'm the booker! =D

Wait you wanna know how we got to that particular angle? Oh well I better go into better detail then, quick someone post some basic company info!

IDK if it’s because it’s almost midnight or if this is really as insane as I’m thinking it is, but I just blankly stared at this for 30 seconds after reading it.

June 7, 2023

1 hour ago, dstephe4 said:

Are you all ready for what, in terms of Overall Rating, is the joint-best RFW show ever? No? Me neither.

We're calling this one 'The Art Of War' - for reasons that might possibly, maybe become clear when the results are posted. Here's the show my tired, drunken mind plopped out this time, in no particular order:

Marty Scurll vs ???:
Villain Enterprises became the first winners of our Tag Tournament last week. Now it's their leader Marty Scurll's turn to get his hands dirty. He's issuing an open challenge, but who will answer the call?

Ilja Dragunov & ??? vs Edge & ???
The vague, haphazard, haggard circumstances behind this one will be explained during the show. But the plan is for Edge and our World Champion to pick a partner each. Then they'll beat the crap out of each other for everyone's amusement.

Andrei Arlovski vs ???
He is back! With a signed doctor's note any everything! And he just can't wait to kick some ass! But whose ass will he be kicking? Is he completely recovered from getting a whole can of Mace sprayed in his eyes a few weeks ago? And how will the (now fired) Tamerlan Rasuev figure into this? Will the (still broken) Alen Khubulov and the Arrows Of Russia be involved?

Steven Seagal's Un-named Yet Unquestionably Very Important Tag Team Tournament:
Lykos Gym vs The Arrows Of Russia

One point for each correct match winner.
One point for each correctly guessed mystery person.
Also, we're doing the whole "big mystery new signing" thing again, so there's a point for that one also.

The winner this time gets to choose a match for Marty Scurll. Any opponent. Any stipulation. Depending on what the winner chooses, the bout would take place either in the show after this one, or the one directly after that.

Dig in and enjoy. Thank you all once again for playing and reading. If the internet would let me hug you, I would.

Marty Scurll gets murdered to death by one of the guys I sent in. Im not saying who yet, but I’ll just say it’s the slightly older one, for a reason you reading this will never know.

Edge picks Goldberg, Dragunov picks Vertigo, Russians win. Why? IDK I’m too tired to think about booking decisions and current storylines I’m choosing based on my limited brain power

Oh for the tag match #DoverWinsLol

May 28, 2023

5 hours ago, Old School Fan said:

Before the results for the Montreal Forum supercard are posted, here's a TV interview that was recorded in the United States for airing in Montreal on Superstars of the Mat prior to that card, as WWWF play-by-play announcer Ray Morgan (at the time the host of the WWWF's original syndicated TV show, Heavyweight Wrestling from Washington) interviews Fabulous Moolah (who goes out of her way to antagonize Quebec wrestling fans once again with verbal jabs at Renée Martel and some slurs thrown at the fans in general)...

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

RAY MORGAN: Hello, Ray Morgan here in Washington, D.C. to interview someone who needs no introduction, other than that she'll be returning to the Montreal area later this month to wrestle in a few matches - I'm talking, of course, about the World Women's Wrestling Champion, the Fabulous Moolah.

FABULOUS MOOLAH: Hey, it's strictly your pleasure, Morgan, and the only reason I'm even doin' this interview is to give a little boost to the ratings for their show up in that snowbound wasteland they call Quebec.

MORGAN: Well, I don't think the fans there would be happy to hear that, just like they weren't happy about what you did in your matches up there against one of Canada's top girl wrestling stars, Renée Martel.

MOOLAH: (Incredulously) "One of Canada's top g——" What does that all mean, anyway? Everyone's been talkin' about that Martel girl like she's the second coming of me ever since she first came on the scene and they've been claimin' that she's gonna be the future champion, but I put those rumors to rest when I went up against her up in Quebec last year and I exposed her for the overrated poser that she is! She also calls herself the Canadian Women's Champion up there, but that piece of tin and leather she holds that she calls a championship is worth about as much as her wrestling skills are - nothing!

MORGAN: From what I've heard about Renée Martel, though, she's a rising and talented star in girls' wrestling and she came close to winning the title from you up in Montreal when you faced off there and you only held on to the title by stalling, fighting dirty and getting yourself disqualified when she had you on the run.

MOOLAH: Likely story, Morgan - you don't even know what you're talkin' about! I made an example of her in the ring like I do to anyone else who challenges for my title - the only title that really matters in women's wrestling, by the way - and that's all there is to it.

MORGAN: The fans up there aren't likely to agree with your claims, Moolah - in fact, they've been calling for a rematch between you two with your belt on the line again and they've been calling you out for dodging her and refusing to face her again after those first matches.

MOOLAH: Shows what them poutine-eatin', hockey-playin' snowfrogs know, Morgan! And frankly, I couldn't care less about the wrestling fans up in Montreal or anywhere else in Quebec or what they think of me - all I care about from them is gettin' their money and takin' it back home to my beautiful home state of South Carolina to spend! Martel had her chance and she blew it, so she ain't gettin' another chance at my belt and that's all there is to it.

MORGAN: Well, moving on, let's talk about the match you'll be wrestling at the Montreal Forum on January 26, when you and Toni Rose take on two local stars in tag team competition, Canadian Girls' Tag Team Champions Barbara LaMarche and Claire Lepage - what's your opinion on those two?

MOOLAH: If you're askin' what I think of those two, Morgan, I'll tell you - I don't! They're just another couple of overrated wannabes that Toni and I could take apart easily. In fact, I got no use for that title they hold that Toni and I are challengin' for and it's just as worthless as Martel's belt is, but just to show that we can, we're gonna beat Claire Lepage and Barbara What's-'er-name for those belts, then Toni and I are gonna give those belts exactly the respect they deserve - by throwin' 'em into that cesspool they call the St. Lawrence River!

MORGAN: Well, you heard it here first, wrestling fans - Fabulous Moolah plans on taking Montreal by storm again as she and Toni Rose challenge the Canadian Girls' Tag Champions Barbara LaMarche and Claire Lepage for that title on January 26 at the Montreal Forum.

Before I read this diary, I didn’t know anything about Moolah other than they were really good at holding championships for stupidly long time. Now, I hate her with every fibre of my being. Well done with that characterisation that’s probably accurate. Who am I kidding, definitely accurate. This is so well researched that if it wasn’t accurate it’d at least be based on some rumour or event or something like that!

May 19, 2023

8 hours ago, dstephe4 said:

HOLY CRAP! HOLY CRAP ON A CRAP CRACKER! THIS DIARY JUST WON DIARY OF THE MONTH! HOLY S***!

I want to say a HUGE, HUGE thank you to everyone involved in nominating and voting for this bizarre, funky little dynasty. Like I said previously, I never thought this silly little diary would get anything like this, especially given the quality of some of the stuff out there on these boards. But it really does mean the world to me, so thank you everyone.

You are all awesome.

Episode 8 will be posted soon. Thank you to everyone who has posted their predictions. The write-up has been delayed a bit due to the 'Scurll Situation'. Speaking of which, it seems there's a definite consensus for Option 2, in which I keep him in this diary and torture the b*****d in amusing and imaginative ways. It is up to you fine readers to decide how long that lasts for. I'll keep him around and keep piling on the misfortune until someone says they've seen enough. As soon as someone tells me it's time for him to go, I'll think of some grand way to kick him out of the show.

Thank you very much for the kind words. The real question is: why the hell aren't there wrestling shows held on battleships in real life? How the hell am I the first? Surely I can't be the first, at anything? Either way, thanks for your comments, especially considering you'd always planned on staying incognito. It's great to have you along for this very silly ride.

Wild? Maybe? Ridiculous? Absolutely. I'm going for "fun". This game allows you total freedom to book any wrestler on any show anywhere in the world, in any way you want. So I'm making the most of that. I'm enjoying writing this thing, and seeing what weird, mad s*** I can come up with.

A big thing for me is for the famous names to be booked in ways they wouldn't normally be booked anywhere else. My objective, along with all the craziness, is to put people like Daniel Bryan through situations they've never been in, and use them in ways others wouldn't. I'm loving writing this stuff, so thank you very much for reading it.

Finally, I've noticed that people on this forum are starting to dabble in AI. Having read a lot about this spicy new toy, I thought I'd do the same. I heard a lot about people using AI to generate images through some sort of black magic. I thought I'd have a play. There's lots of situations I'm conjuring up which have never / could never occur in real life. I thought AI would be a good tool to generate some images for use in this diary. I used a free online tool called Craiyon (because I sure as hell am not paying for this s***) and entered in some of the ideas I've had for this story going forward.

The results were... erm... mixed? The output ranged from somewhat useable... to genuinely nightmare-inducing. Let's just say that based on my experiences, AI has quite a way to go before it takes over the world. Here's some of the stuff it spewed out:

First, I needed a photo of 'Fabulous' John Hennigan with his fluffy little soul guide Gerald. Because, as far as I'm aware, the man formerly known as Johnny Nitro isn't taken to posing with tiny little dogs in real life. This is what came out. Yes, the dog is way too big. Yes, he looks like he's mid-fart. And yes, Hennigan's lips look like he's been eating cocaine all day, but it's somewhat useable, I guess.

I asked the AI to make me a picture of Steven Seagal arriving in a monster truck. It gave me the wrong kind of truck. And what the f*** is going on with Seagal's eyes? Is he possessed by evil spirits? Is this Demonic Seagal? We learned one thing from this, however - Seagal looks really good in hats.

I needed a simple photo of Steven Seagal and Edge in a wrestling ring together. It's never happened in real life, so it's not like I could just grab the picture from Google Images or something. The best ones it came up with looked like 1980s style LP album covers. Like the two of them were starting a soft rock group together or something...

These are not so bad, other than the fact that Edge looks like he's having a massive stroke...



This one doesn't even look like Edge. And for some reason Seagal has turned into a bearded walrus...

Next up, I wanted some images of the RFW's audience patriotically waving big Russian flags. The images produced made the fans look like horrifying mutants. Which, given the way I've been writing about them, might be about right. Should I use these? Is this how the Russian fans look when you imagine them?



Next I started getting Craiyon to generate some of the fun scenarios I've been dreaming up for this diary. In this heart-warming image, Steven Seagal's life-long dream of starring in Sesame Street finally comes true. I'm actually really happy with this one...

Not one to be out-done, Bryan Daniels then immediately finds his way into a guest spot on The Muppet Show. The first image I thought was fun. The second is a little chilling (that face! Is he melting?!) The third is just plain creepy. Seriously, that's the stuff of nightmares right there.



My request for an image of Daniel Bryan and Marty Scrull facing off in a wrestling ring produced an image so bad, so weird, so scary I've decided they'll never ever share a ring in this diary, ever. Word is the boffins have been feeding AI huge amounts of data to get it to the level it's at today. I think the boffins have been feeding it cocaine instead.

My idea of Bryan Daniels cheering up the Russian kids dressed as the Easter Bunny brought mixed results. I'm genuinely delighted with the first image. The second is very good also. 3 and 4 are just plain terrifying.



Goldberg and Putin eat breakfast cereal together after a fun-filled sleepover, wearing their very snazziest pyjamas. The first image is marvellous. The second is... beyond the limits of the English language.

Speaking of Goldberg, I can't remember what I typed in to produce this one, but what a facial expression. Is he smelling a fart?

And finally, I asked it to give me images of Marty Scurll being arrested by Russian police. The stuff it puked out was perhaps the most weird and most disturbing of the lot. AI is not the future. AI is terrifying. From now on, I'm leaving AI the f*** alone.

This AI stuff is brilliantly terrible. Either that or I’m somehow drunk after just waking up and never having alcohol in my life that it looks all weird.

May 11, 2023

7 hours ago, dstephe4 said:

I'm a bit gutted about the Marty Scurll thing. I genuinely didn't know. I used to watch Progress wrestling before it lost it's way, and he was magnificent in it. I had big plans for Villain Enterprises, with him as their leader, and have already run the show. Obviously, in light of this, something has to change.

As I see it, there's 3 ways of handling this. I'll let you fine readers choose which path we take. Either:

1. I just write Scurll out of the show as if it never happened, as if he never existed.

2. Scurll shows up for a show or two and Russia happens to him. I have my fun, then bye bye Marty. Let's see what my sleep-deprived, alcohol-enlightened brain can come up with.

3. We carry on regardless. In real life it seems Scurll can only get booked in remote, far-away places. It could be feasible for this tarnished sex-pest to end up on a show in somewhere like Russia. It would be similar to how many historical diaries handle Chris Benoit.

Let me know which way you'd like this to go, by replying to this, and I'll write accordingly. I've always been keen on the readers of this diary being involved in shaping its direction. Can't think of a better time for interaction than this.

Yeah number 2 seems good. 3 is (unfortunately) the most realistic, however I stopped expecting realism when I read the first few sentences of this diary. Give him hell.

It pains me, but given that I assume this prediction thing was made after you did the show, and that you had big plans for Villain Enterprise, that his team will beat the Russians. Now beat the s**t out of him and hire a hit on him when you’re done. It’s Russia.

Dragunov beats Goldberg. Goldberg physically must lose. I refuse (even if you wouldn’t die if you did make him win) that you would give it to this aged brick.

Gorgeous Hennigan vs Vertigo Klaptsov. I‘m leaning to Vertigo via bulls**t that Hennigan will dispute in the next episode to overturn the result.

And that is my prediction for this episode. I don’t expect “the mysterious benefactor” to do any… benefacting? What the hell is the word for doing something a benefactor does? As I was saying, I don’t expect to win, but if I do, you sure as hell bet I’m gonna find some random team from somewhere thousands of miles away from Russia.

April 28, 2023

5 hours ago, dstephe4 said:

5 hours ago, dstephe4 said:

, speculating as to which mysterious, shadowy benefactor is behind their sudden rise to prominence.

From now on you may refer to me only as my proper title, “mysterious benefactor”. Jokes aside, ON WITH PREDICTING. BADLY.

First up, Rasuev’s match. I predict that Seagal seems Rasuev as just a bit annoying, and so won’t set Kulakov on him just yet. I predict that Rasuev will win against… uhhhh, I don’t have a clue. Catherine the Great?

The Arrows of Not Hungary will beat the Americans via DQ after Daniels gets flashbacks to ‘Nam and proceeds to attempt to kill one of them. Oh, sorry, I meant “The Nightmare” Vladimir Kulakov, not Vietnam.

Cool visor man wins his match, though I don’t know who against.

oh why was that typing in the quote section? Ah well. Nobody‘ll notice

Goldberg gets his title shot, and Dragunov faces… GUNTHALTER? Look, one of these times it’s gonna be him. It just plain will be. Hennigan will be doing some promo work because that’s what he does for now, Goldberg is signing a contract, The Nightmare should be dead, Goldberg should ALSO be dead now that I think about it, and everyone else that anyone cares about is on the card.

what the hell actually happened to this reply? There’s 2 quote sections in one, and I posted half of it… in one of the quote bits?

April 27, 2023

I did sorta lag behind on this diary for a time. I’ve not had as much time, and I’ve been looking at more diaries. Oh my god, this has been a great read. I have never really had much knowledge of wrestling in this era, and I had no idea of what Moolah was like. I was aware of the whole “spider lady” debacle, but little more. Simply put, I didn’t think she could commit ARSON and people just go “yeah, accurate”.

The shows are interesting as well, I loved the Ascott story from beginning to end. You really do know how to write unlikeable characters! I definitely want to keep a closer eye on this diary from now on, because this read has been a great experience. Keep it up!

April 26, 2023

30 minutes ago, dstephe4 said:

"Hey Shane! I'm on a battleship! An actual, real life, badass motherf*****g battle cruiser! This thing's got more helicopters on it than I have cars - and I have a lot of cars!" I was beyond excited. Screaming with glee. Like a sugar-fuelled, ADD-riddled kid after 15 Easter eggs. I was verbally high-fiving our Road Agent through the phone whether he liked it or not.

"I'm friends with the Captain now. We're in the f*****g missile bay! The F*****G MISSILE BAY! You should see the size of these warheads! You could blow a God-damn hole on the Earth with one of these things! They're letting me go up in one of their top secret new Jet Fighters this evening too! This! Is! Awesome!" I screeched into my cell-phone, my hands shaking with joyous delight. I was literally jumping up and down on the spot. Yes, the Captain and half a dozen of his crew were glaring at me like they wanted to kill me. But so what? "This is Russia, baybeeeee! And I'm on a motherf*****g' Battleship! Wooo hooo!" I hung up, happy that all the important points had been covered. I offered the Captain a fist bump, but he just looked at me and quietly fondled the handle of his pistol in it's holster, silently regretting his life choices.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. This chapter of the story doesn't start on a kickass, state-of-the-art war cruiser. It begins in the bowels of a dingy Russian theatre. Let's take it from the beginning...

Above: Do those other diaries you read have big, kickass battleships in them? No? Screw those other diaries lol

It was shortly after Episode 6 had aired that I found myself on clean-up duty with Shane Douglas and a few other unlucky volunteers. We'd smashed the living crap out of this venue, causing thousands of dollars worth of damage. The plan was to put everything back nice and tidy, sweep up a bit, and hope nobody would notice.

I realised we might have a problem when I wandered into the room where Kulakov and Goldberg had fallen through skylight window in the roof. I saw Douglas up to his knees in broken glass, shards of twisted metal, lumps of ceiling tile and masonry. There was still a weird white dust hazing through the air. Was it polystyrene? Dirt? Asbestos? Anthrax? Bat s***? Who knew? I tried my best to smile and not choke to death as I surveyed the scene.

I was still feeling like a bloodless, brainless microwaved corpse at this point - still the victim of the Dead Man's Toes, or whatever that Devil's piss of a drink was called. The Lightning Bolt Energy Drink that'd sustained me was wearing off, and the gates of the afterlife were creaking open for me once again. My mouth tasted like I'd been drinking diesel. My nose was full of a smell like pissy wet hamster cages. I knew there was a high chance I'd be s***ing fireworks in a couple of hours, so I was determined to be useful while it was still medically possible.

Shane seemed in a better mood than he had been earlier, back when I genuinely thought he was going to kick my ass until it came flying out of my mouth. I decided to open the conversation with a compliment, just in case he remembered the unscripted, cyclonic clusterf*** tonight's show could've become.

"It was clever of you to use fake glass for the bit where they came in through the skylight on the roof. It looked amazing" I said, trying to make my face do a smile. The effort involved was Herculean. The result looked more like I was having a toothy blowjob.

"That wasn't fake glass. We didn't script s***. I'm genuinely amazed nobody's arteries exploded falling through all that. How nobody got cut in half like a cheap parlour trick is beyond me" growled The Franchise in that gravely voice of his.

"Hang on, you're joking, right?" I stuttered, trying not to burp. The last time I belched Lightning Bolt, a window beside me exploded.

"Nope. I can only assume that Russian glass must really, really, really suck. Otherwise both guys'd come out of this thing looking like human Voodoo dolls." No matter what crazy s*** RFW threw at this guy, he took it in his stride.

"Wow. It must've hurt like hell though, falling through a glass skylight, all the way to the floor like that?" I mused, stroking my chin for emphasis. As if I knew what the hell I was talking about. I couldn't even climb into the ring without falling on my arse or breaking an ankle.

"Yeah, I thought so too. All I know is they both pounded a can of Lightning Bolt energy drink before the cameras started rolling. It must be good s***" said Douglas, wiping fiberglass powder of the ass of his pants as he talked.

"I saw that. Kulakov tried drinking it through his mask, spilled some on the floor. It burned a hole right through the God-damned carpet."

"Mustn't have spilled much, otherwise it'd have melted the damn floorboards too."

"All-natural ingredients my ass" I replied, laughing for the first time in forever. The grumpy former ECW champion nearly busted out a smile.

"The drink is certified as 'organic.' It really is. I'm not kidding you. But then, I guess raw plutonium is 'organic' by definition. So's arsenic" he fired back, laughing. It was good to see the grizzly old toad happy again. Something had been up lately, and it wasn't just my ridiculously inept daily destruction of Russian pro wrestling. I seized the moment.

"It's good to see you laughing. You've had a face like a doomed horse recently." He laughed out loud at that. It wasn't my line, but it worked. "You haven't looked this sad since you made us all organise a proper burial for that McDonald's Happy Meal toy you broke. What's going on?"

"My wife Carla" he muttered, looking at the floor sheepishly and blushing.

"You mean your ex-wife Carla? You and her were divorced in 2017."

Douglas got spicy all of a sudden. "How the hell did you know that? It's private information! How did you know..."

"This is Russia" I said, with a knowing glance. He looked alarmed for a few moments, but soon shrugged it off.

"We got sort-of, kind-of back together for a while back in America. It was good, you know? Like old times. Then some weird Brit offered me a treasure chest full of money, so I came to Russia. Alone. I felt like I missed her. This is a strange country to have nobody by your side. So I called her. Next thing I know she's packing her bags and catching the red-eye over!"

"That's great news!" I enthused, genuinely happy for the leathery old goat.

"Nah man! It's terrible! I've made a huge mistake! But it's too late to stop it now! The ticket's been bought! Her skanky ass already boarded her flight half an hour ago! She wants to move in with me! This is a nightmare!" One of the toughest SOBs in wrestling history was trembling, almost in tears with fright. "I love her. Deep down, somewhere within myself, I really do. Even after all our rocky history, I still think of her and get all mushy. But let me be clear on this - I would rather get skull-f****d by King Kong than share my home with that woman" he eloquently concluded.

"So... what are you going to do? Surely the best, most decent thing would be to call her, explain it's going too fast, tell her that you don't want a new life in Russia with her and..."

"Are you kidding?!" snapped Douglas, his bottom lip beginning to shake with emotion. "She'd cut my balls off and wear them as a hat!" He meant it too.

"I have some... useful friends who can help you" I said, a devious smile slowly spreading across my crafty little face.

Above: When I said "I have useful friends" I meant these guys.

"This is Russia. Things are done differently here. Anything is possible with an envelope full of cash. You'd be amazed at the variety of scumbags I have access to. Oleg Matytsin's the Russian Minister For Sport, he regularly plays golf with Alexander Bortnikov, the head of the FSB (that's what they call the KGB these days). And they have people everywhere. I make a call, then Oleg makes a call, then Alexander makes a call."

I paused dramatically. Douglas had a hopeful look upon his face, hanging on my every word. "Go on" he implored me.

"There's dozens of reasons a traveller might get detained at a busy international airport. There's loads of things that could happen that could deny a person access to a country. You choose any reason you like. Passport irregularities. Visa problems. 'Random' cavity search. Mysterious ticking object found in her hand luggage. Sniffer dog just happens to find a kilo of black tar heroin in her suitcase. Maybe her name comes up as a 'person of interest' on an international terrorism watch-list. This is Russia. We can take this game wherever you want it to go." I stopped talking for a moment to try and gauge his reaction. He seemed genuinely open to all of those suggestions.

"Failing that, maybe we could get creative. For a few grand, maybe her taxi driver gets lost and accidentally drives her to Siberia" I suggested.

"You'd... you'd really do all that for me?" said the first ever ECW champion. The guy famous for breaking necks was on the verge of becoming all teary and emotional.

I gave the big old sap a hug. He really went for it, pulling me in close with the crushing force of a boa constrictor, nearly popping both my lungs with his muscular death-grip. After an eternity of compassionate suffocation he'd gathered himself again and mercifully let me go.

"Thanks man. Sorry I got so emotional just then. It's all just a big culture shock - one moment I'm in Pittsburgh shooting pool with the guys, next thing I'm bouncing all over Russia like the ringmaster of some crazy, magic circus. It's taking a lot of getting used to."

I would've loved to have carried on this heart-to-heart chat, but my phone started ringing. It was my shadowy paymaster Oleg. I genuinely wondered if he'd heard me saying his name and had called me to ask why. I couldn't ignore it either. While I was unconscious in a booze-induced slumber, Oleg had his shadowy Cyber contacts hacked my phone and installed malware, which made it impossible to reject his calls. I'm not kidding - he really did that.

Normally I hate talking to the lanky, Skeletor-looking-b*****d, but this time was different. I had that favour for Shane to ask for, which was orchestrated in less than 60 seconds. Then Oleg got to business. He informed me that Episode 7 would be broadcast from a very special venue.

"American! We make history! Next episode will be the first wrestling show ever to take place on a Battleship!"

The Russian Federation Of Wrestling was set up to distract the masses from the stumbling s***-show that was the 'Special Operation' in Ukraine. The whole enterprise existed to boost morale. "A happy nation does not ask questions" Russiya 1 boss Konstantin Ernst once told me. And as such we were being hauled off to a battle cruiser full of disgruntled sailors. We would be spreading "Russian Patriotism" through the medium of family-friendly violence... surrounded by guns and bombs and missiles... on the open seas.

All of a sudden, I needed to be at the airport in less than an hour. A special helicopter was ready to fly me to an undisclosed location on the Crimean Sea. There was no time to lose. But getting there would be a problem. I had enough booze in my system to make my blood literally flammable, so driving was out of the question. I couldn't get a taxi because the driver would ask too many questions. And I couldn't ride my limo there, as my driver was away getting his legs waxed. (Yes, really.)

"Vladimir can drive you" declared Shane once my call was finished. He'd been snooping, but I was too excited to care. "Vlad Radinov doesn't drive any more. The cops took his licence away after the... incident" I said with confusion in my voice. "No" said Shane "Kulakov. Vladimir Kulakov." I suddenly felt very cold. Sweaty palms. Dread. Goosebumps. The lot. "The big guy's got a brand new car. He's really excited about it. Keeps offering rides to everyone. For some reason nobody's accepted yet though" he laughed. He saw the look of fear in my eyes and laughed even more. "I can't take you. I've got to finish the clean-up here before the manager gets back and realises we've destroyed a local landmark. It's Kulakov or nothing."

An awkward silence filled the air. My mouth went dry. He shook his head, pulled out his cell-phone, wiped a few layers of fiberglass and plaster dust off it, then made the call. "Look just be normal, ok? Just drive the car and be normal" I heard him say. "Maybe there's nothing to worry about" I reassured myself as the slick new Mercedes pulled up. I opened the door, gulped, then got inside. This is what greeted me:

Above: This is his casual street attire.

Just a few short hours later I was on board the biggest, most lethal boat you can imagine. Episode 7 of the Russian Federation Of Wrestling TV would be held on the Nastoychivyy, a Sovremenny-class destroyer battleship with guns the size of neighbourhoods. It was part of the Черноморский флот, Putin's Black Sea Fleet, the scourge of the Black Sea, the Sea of Azov, the Mediterranean, and more recently the Crimean Peninsula.

I know all this because the Captain insisted on giving me a guided tour before the show. I couldn't give a single burning, flaming s*** about Russian naval warfare - I just wanted a ride on one of those big, shiny jets like Maverick in Top Gun - but when the twelve massive, uniformed guys behind you all have machine guns, you listen.

Like Oleg said, we'd be there to improve morale. "To entertain the brave souls that pilot the mighty craft" was his wording of it. It meant we were limited in how crazy we could make next week's show. There wasn't exactly much room to manoeuvre. The logistical constraints of having to helicopter our people and equipment over the vast ocean (and at least two active warzones) would rule out a lot of the crazy stuff I'd had planned. But it meant a lively crowd of all 1400 crew would be clapping along to every Suplex.

I was never really sure who was driving the boat while everyone stopped what they were doing to watch our guys pretending to hurt each other.

I was too afraid to ask.

Above: Hell yeah! This is awesome! This is wrestling! This is Russia.

This is sheer insanity. I now want a real wrestling show held on a battleship. The fact that I can genuinely picture WCW doing this in their “all out writers are on crack” era and I’m not sure whether to laugh, cry (that I think WCW could’ve came to that) or cry (that it didn’t).

The Shane Douglas and Carla part was also funny, and yet also genuinely sweet, and also genuinely terrifying.

I absolutely love this diary. I love it so much that I’ve begun to regret calling myself “just here to look” because I’m sure as hell doing more than looking.

April 16, 2023

2 hours ago, dstephe4 said:

Normal service to resume in the next couple / few days. That's how much time there is for any match suggestions, should you have any.

Until then, here's the card for Episode 6. I invite the usual predictions. Maybe this time we'll even have a winner?!

Sergey Belyev vs Tamerlan Rasuev

The Russian National wrestling finalist is becoming notorious for hurting people. He put our National Champion Khubolov on crutches a fortnight ago. Last week he sent former UFC Heavyweight Champion Arlovski to the hospital. Next up is Belyev, last seen bravely facing Bill Goldberg. The spirited Russian landed 2 moves before being swatted like a fly, but that's 2 more than most of Goldberg's opponents ever managed. Will Sergey pull off the upset, or leave in an ambulance?

Bill Goldberg vs 'The Nightmare' Vladimir Kulakov - the final stage of Goldberg's Gauntlet.

One last hurdle. One last mountain to climb. Then the much-awaited World Title rematch is his. One small detail though - the final opponent is the psychotic, super-charged, seemingly unstoppable Russian monster that has even the legendary Bryan Daniels running in fear. Goldberg's never had to battle as hard his whole career as he has in the past few weeks. War after war after war seemed to be taking it's toll on the ageing superstar - will he have enough left to stop the unstoppable?

Ilja Dragunov vs Edge - For The RFW World Title - Match Stipulation TBC.

An already mouth-watering match-up is made even more exciting by the fact that our fans are picking the stipulation. What match type will we see? What conditions await these two athletes? Will the veteran WWE legend add another trophy to his considerable legacy? Or will Seagal's protege add another famous name to his growing reputation?

Also, we have another famous international wrestler set to debut. 1 point for each correct match result. 1 bonus point for naming the new superstar. 1 bonus point for correctly guessing the main event stipulation.

Good luck to you all, and thanks once again for your continued support.

Match 1- Rasuev, mainly because they seem like an actual presence. Belyev doesn’t.

Match 2- Vladimir Kulakov is going to murder William Goldberg the First, but it’ll be close. Ish.

Match 3- Ilya Dragunov beats Edge because Edge isn’t Russian. I predict my stipulation because I always win.

Oh, and for the international suspect, uhhh, I have a list of potential guys:

-GUNTHALTER (either name works) because Ilya, and he’s not American, and if you want you can just make him pissed about the Berlin Wall specifically, nothing else. Just the Berlin Wall.

- Moro, because everyone predicted it

-William Regal, because he’s old and British

- Drew McIntyre because he’s less old, and British

- Pete Dunne, because he’s less less old, and unfortunately Butch

- IDFK Rey Mysterio because he’s Rey Mysterio?

Yeah GUNTHALTER seems the most likely. I lock in my vote.

April 12, 2023

7 minutes ago, MidKnightDreary said:

Obviously the product placement would require Lightning bolt energy in the form of electrified ropes

YES!!!!!!! (Granted, I doubt we can get away with actual electrified ropes, but oh well, they’ll probably figure out how to fake it.)

April 12, 2023

Hmmmm. This sure will be interesting. I’m just gonna come up with it as I ramble.

Now, I’m sure that some rather extreme options will be considered. For example, Hardcore, I Quit, Steel Cage, Steel Cage with an Angry Bear, and so on and so forth. However, (with the exception of the angry bear) all of these things have been seen many a time. Also, we can’t have it be bloody and brutal, think of the glorious Russian youth!

However, do you know what the glorious Russian youth can be shown? Product Placement! And that is why i suggest the “Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt Energy Pitch Black Match!”

“Hang on” ,you may say, “isn’t product placement capitalist and scummy?” And you’re right! It is scummy, capitalist and also stolen from the Americans, but it works you see? Also, I’m sure Steven would be really, and when I say really I mean really in double italics if that was possible, pleased. Also also, we want out youth drinking Steven Seagal’s health energy drink to make their bones stronger! So that they can [my lawyers have advised me not to finish this statement] in the future!

March 27, 2023

Time to win again because I’m cocky and cocky people always win. We know this.

Match 1, The Nightmare will commit homicide on Rasuev. I mean Rasuev won’t win, that doesn’t support good communist values! (I am going to get arrested if I keep this up(

Goldberg will beat Ivan “the Ivan” Ivan. How will they win? Probably with the built up anger of being called “Bill” in RFW, because I doubt you pay bills.

And lastly, but certainly not least…ly, because it’s the main event…ly. I predict that the shock signing will win this fight, and that they will be… uhhhhh, well it has to be a big name guy… at least for this promotion. Uhhhh, I mean you are British… F**k it, wouldn’t it be a laugh if you got William Regal in there (I don’t even think he can wrestle in the game without modifications)? I mean you didn’t, obviously, but Miro seems too obvious. They win via being old.

March 22, 2023

11 minutes ago, dstephe4 said:

Above: To be fair, that is one sexy tractor. Just look at the tracks on that thing. Sweeeeeet.

I have to agree. That man has reason to be proud, that tractor looks brilliant!

Anyways, onto more important (though less massive tractor-y) topics, this is still really, and I mean REALLY funny. You can tell I think that because I used italics, bold, underline, and even caps lock. Steven’s energy drink that might as well be brewed in Chernobyl, nobody noticing the sarcasm, and the sheer absurdity of this is what makes this true gold.

In terms of what this means for the actual product, less car flipping bull**** is unfortunate, but it wasn’t unexpected. How do you decide on this stuff anyways? Do you just do what you think would be more fun, or do you have something like a spinny wheel of Russian interference which decides what ruins your life and when?

And last, but the opposite of least, I AM A GOD OF PREDICTION! (time to be egotistical for no reason other than I just think it’s a laugh.) I shall not tell you whomst I’ve decided to push, but I can tell you that they are an unexpected pick, for reasons I shall not mention because you’d probably be able to figure it out! I don’t want you to figure it out! It’ll be funnier if you don’t figure it out! So don’t figure it out! ~~what the hell am I on about anymore~~ You understand? ~~I don’t.~~

March 16, 2023

Vertigo def Bill Goldberg - OK HEAR ME OUT. Someone asked for you to push him, you said that’d start on card 4. Shenanigans will be in play. I’d say this’d be a good way to push someone, maybe you’ll give them a rematch next week in like a no DQ match or something, who really cares

The Pitbull def The Other Ones- maybe, maybe not. No clue.

Alen Khubilov def Tamerian Ruesuev- no idea

Bryan Daniels and Bill Goldberg (nobody expects the double booking!) def Ilja Dragonov and the spooky Russian mask guy, you know the one, the one whose mask is plastered all over this brilliant s**tshow?

March 1, 2023

14 minutes ago, dstephe4 said:

The most prestigious car showroom in Russia is probably Zao Maranello's Ferrari dealership in Tretyakovskiy Proezd, situated in one of the most decadent parts of the modern, nouveau riche Moscow. There are no prices listed on any of the cars. If you have to ask, you can't afford it, and you don't deserve to be there. It's the kind of place I liked to be - until I was banned for life.

When most Westerners think of Moscow, they tend to think of gulags, endless grey apartment buildings full of serfs, Ladas and poverty. The modern Moscow is a universe away from that now. Yes, there are still parts of the city where the poor will eat the eyeballs out of your skull just for a snack. But today's Moscow is littered with ultra-wealthy districts that make Beverley Hills look like a war-torn hovel by comparison.

Above: This is in Moscow. Yes, really.

It was in one of these stunning, decadent parts of the 'New Russia' the day before our third show. I had business to do. Money to spend. Deals to make. I was not to be messed with. I strutted into the dealership like a Tsar. The man on the desk looked at me suspiciously, until he saw how the early morning winter's sun glistened off my Gucci watch - then he was desperate to be my new best friend.

Normally, only the best get to work for places like this - the creme de la creme. It's harder to get into NASA than get a long-term gig in premier locations like this. Which made the startling bleached mullet adorning the man who served me all the more surprising. The suit and shoes were Dolce & Gabbana, they screamed 'new wealth' - the hair, however, screamed 'monster truck'. The silly b*****d looked like the impossible love-child of Dog The Bounty Hunter and Joe Exotic. I didn't have time to laugh at him though - I had a show to put on.

"What's the best thing you've got? Rental, not to buy. One night only. Money no object" I barked, staring down at the never-ending stream of notifications burning up my phone. "Is the car for you, sir? For a man of your sophisticated tastes and requirements, we have some incredible limited editions here today" he preened. I thought for a second, then said "you look like a wrestling fan. Have you seen that Russian Federation Of Wrestling show on Russia 1? This car is for the guy WWE used to call Daniel Bryan." The man got all excited suddenly.

"Wow! Like... OMG!" He said in a bizarre American valley girl accent, which he definitely picked up from YouTube. "Only the best then! May I recommend the Ferrari F12 Berlinetta Limited Edition. The 200-bar, direct-injection 6262 cc 65° V12 delivers absolutely unprecedented performance for a naturally aspirated 12-cylinder engine in terms of both power and revs. Also this one is in a really shiny Midnight Grey and it looks sexy as f..."

I cut him off before he could finish. "If that's the best you can manage, then it'll have to do" I said. "It'll have an American driving it. So I want insurance. All the insurance." The salesman was practically purring by this point. "A wise choice" he said, his brain suddenly calculating all the commission he'd be making on this. "We have the Platinum Comprehensive Package which combines every type of insurance known to man. It is the best insurance in the world." I thought hard for a second, before replying "the insurance I want must cover every eventuality. No matter what happens, no matter the circumstance. I don't care if a God-damned meteorite from outer space lands on this thing - we need to be covered."

Alarm bells should have been ringing loudly in the salesman's mind at that point, but the money overrode his common sense. 20 minutes later one of the most exotic cars in the country was ours to mess with in any way we wanted. It'd cost $5000 for one day, but I wasn't worried - my coat cost more than that.

Did I mention that I'm now banned from Zao Maranello's for life?

Did I mention that the last time I was there, hired thugs chased me away with baseball bats?

Did I mention that when we returned the car, the duty manager went into the back office to get a shotgun?

Did I mention that the salesman who rented me the car went missing the next day and was never seen again?

Above: This is how the car looked when I took it away.

Then the car was used in the filming of Episode 3 of the Russian Federation Of Wrestling.

Above: And this is how it looked when I gave it back.

They were not pleased.

This is brilliant. This has made me laugh, made me intrigued as to what in gods name happened to this car, and made the part of my brain that likes cars cry. I have no words that don’t just ramble on for another hour, so I’ll leave it there.

Sign In

Profiles

Forums

Blogs

Events

Articles

Downloads

Gallery

Store

Posts posted by Just here to look