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<blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-username="brashleyholland" data-cite="brashleyholland" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="29954" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div>[We see a close up shot of the grinning Cameron Leve, suited, booted and fake-tanned into oblivion. As the world famous fight announcer and notorious coke fiend introduces his show, stylised highlight clips play to the sound of a generic metal accompaniment]<p> </p><p> <strong>Leve:</strong> "This week in Mixed Martial Arts, James Foster completes another defence his GAMMA heavyweight title...</p><p> </p><p> [a clip of Foster bulldozing a helpless Tim Boyer into the mat, quickly followed by another of the champ unleashing some brutal elbow strikes]</p><p> </p><p> ...Will Kane comes up short against David Webb in the UK... </p><p> </p><p> [a slightly grainier clip of the aforementioned Kane getting hoisted onto Webb's shoulder, before being deposited unceremoniously onto his back]</p><p> </p><p> ...and a special report on Alpha-1 Welterweight Champion Carlos da Guia, who has been training with 80's movie star and fouder of 'Tae Bo' Billy Blanks ahead of his next fight! </p><p> </p><p> [a clip of Tae Bo 'legend' Blanks, with a 55 year old man's gut where his abs used to be, awkwardly showing de Guia an overly-elaborate spinning wheel kick. The champ looks on, confused]</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Leve:</strong> All that to come, but first, we bring you a very special interview with... </p><p> </p><p> [A wide shot of a room, pitch black save for a circular pool of bright white spilling from a single spotlight, illuminating the the faint mist of dry ice...a tall, aloof-looking figure steps into view with his back to the camera...slowly he turns, and the shot zooms in to reveal...]</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Leve:</strong>...Kagetoki Kobe!</p><p> </p><p> [The studio audience roars with approval as our host turns to the lead camera] </p><p> </p><p> <strong>Leve:</strong> Lets go...Outside MMA!</p><p> </p><p> [A montage of clips featuring all of MMA's biggest names, Foster, Fezik, Hughes, Morrisson, Humphries, Napier, Sukarno, Banner, Regurio and more dishing out punnishment is shown, overlaid by even more generic metal. The intro ends and we are back in the studio, with Leve sat opposite an empty chair. He's wearing dark glasses, fidgeting and looks like he hasn't slept for a month]</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Leve:</strong> Thanks for joining us folks. We've got a lot of great stuff coming up for you this week, but first off we have a rare treat, an interview with a man unlike any other, the enygma that is...Kagatoki Kobi!!</p><p> </p><p> ["The Best Around" by Joe Esposito begins to play as dry ice fills the stage. A figure emerges, riding what appears to be a fat Unicorn, but on closer inspection is revealed to be a shoddily spray-painted donkey with a papier mache horn taped to it's head. Riding the donkey is none other than Kobi, and he's not only coming out to "The Best Around", he has a microphone in hand and is singing the lyrics himself]</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Kobi:</strong> I'm the best, AROOOUND! Noone's ever gonna bring me down!</p><p> </p><p> [The donkey casually craps on the stage floor as Kobi dismounts. Unfortunately for the MMA legend, he gets his foot stuck in the stirrup, and is dragged across the floor and through the donkey mess as stage hands rush to free him. He does not stop singing]</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Kobi:</strong> Noone's ever gonna bring me DOOOOOOOOOOOWN!!!</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Leve:</strong> We'll be back after these messages...</p><p> </p><p> [When we return from the commercial break, Kobi has taken his seat, his soiled suit replaced by an Outside MMA t-shirt and a pair of pants that are clearly too small for him. He's already deep in conversation with Leve]</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Kobi:</strong> ...so while your guys were cleaning up the stage, I took that dishonourable Unicorn outside and punched it right in the face. I'm now 1-0 against mythical beasts. I intend to fight a Yeti next, those cowards have been ducking me for years!</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Leve:</strong> Right...ok fans we're back here on Outside MMA after those technical difficulties...</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Kobi:</strong> ...no difficulties! That beast attempted a pre-meditated attack, but I am always ready! Ous! </p><p> </p><p> <strong>Leve:</strong> Ok...so we're here with Japanese MMA...erm...star? Yeah, Japanese MMA star Kagatoki Kobi. Kobi, thanks for joining us on Outside MMA. </p><p> </p><p> <strong>Kobi:</strong> I'm absolutely not pleased to be here. </p><p> </p><p> <strong>Leve:</strong> Well thanks...it's...ah...great to have you. So look, lets talk about your big news, you recently won the BCF light heavyweight title! How does it feel to finally be a world champion? </p><p> </p><p> <strong>Kobi:</strong> I'll be honest with you Carl...</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Leve:</strong> Cameron</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Kobi:</strong> That's what I said Clyde. I'll be honest with you John, I never really intended to take home that belt. As you know, I'm on a philanthropic mission to make other fighters feel good about themselves - I'm incredibly well revered and respected in the MMA game and a win over me can send a young fighter's career into orbit. As a kind and giving man, I usually allow my opponents to defeat me in order to help their careers. </p><p> </p><p> <strong>Leve:</strong> So you're saying that you lose...intentionally?</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Kobi:</strong> Nonsense, I never lose! Kobi is undefeated. </p><p> </p><p> <strong>Leve:</strong> But you just said...</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Kobi:</strong> I am undefeated. </p><p> </p><p> <strong>Leve:</strong> I mean your record is 10-17...</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Kobi:</strong> Undefeated. </p><p> </p><p> [Leve just stares]</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Kobi:</strong> I don't expect you to have the mental capacity to understand Carl. As I said, those fights in which my hand was not raised were acts of charity on my part. If I was not trying to win, then how could I lose? </p><p> </p><p> <strong>Leve:</strong> So your ten wins...do...er...do they count? </p><p> </p><p> <strong>Kobi:</strong> Of course! Victories of the greatest magnitude! But what is all this 'ten' nonsense? Kobi has fought more than ten epic battles this very afternoon...including that dishonourable Unicorn, I'm already 14-0 for the day!</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Leve:</strong> 14-0 for the day? That's, ah...how did...um...fourteen fights? Today? Really? </p><p> </p><p> <strong>Kobi:</strong> Yes, really, you stupid, stupid man. </p><p> </p><p> [Kobi reaches to the table and lifts his coffee cup. He appears to struggle guiding the cup on it's journey from table to mouth, but eventually downs the whole thing in one giant slurp]</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Kobi:</strong> 15-0.</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Leve:</strong> What?!?</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Kobi:</strong> 15-0. </p><p> </p><p> <strong>Leve:</strong> That...that was a cup of coffee! Surely you don't...</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Kobi:</strong> Was it a cup of coffee? Or was it an insolent vial of heated death, mocking me...nay, mocking us all...with it's bitter flavour and intending to deprive me of sleep with it's disrespectful caffeine content?</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Leve:</strong> It's just a drink man, a cup of coffee...</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Kobi:</strong> Correction Bob, it <em>was</em> a drink. It was a drink, then it faced Kobi, and now it is gone. 15-0. </p><p> </p><p> <strong>Leve:</strong> Fine, fine, 15-0. Right...let's move on...ah, so you're the new BCF champ...why go after that belt? </p><p> </p><p> <strong>Kobi:</strong> My jeans kept falling down. </p><p> </p><p> <strong>Leve:</strong> ...</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Kobi:</strong> My jeans, Colin, my jeans. Someone showed me a DVD of two huge Japanese individuals grappling, pushing and slapping each other wearing nothing but small underpants. There was an application to take part on the inside cover of the DVD. This was a sport I was unfamiliar with, but immediately I bulked up to 365lbs in order to compete and show the world that Kobi is the true master of all forms of combat. </p><p> </p><p> <strong>Leve:</strong> Sumo? How did that go? </p><p> </p><p> <strong>Kobi:</strong> Unfortunately there was a rare and gross miscalculation on my part...it appears that the footage I watched was actually fat chick porn and upon arriving for my audition I was informed that there was no competitive element. Sadly this was only a week before my BCF title fight, leaving me with just five days to cut 160lbs. Needless to say, I made weight. I never intended to take home the belt, pitiful piece of tin that it is, I simply needed something to hold my now vastly oversized trousers up on the flight home. I'd also like to thank my new sponsor, Dr Bob's Liposuction Clinic. </p><p> </p><p> [Kobi proceeds to read off a small cue-card]</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Kobi:</strong> Visit Dr Bob and ask for the Kagetogi Kobi special, because nothing sucks more! </p><p> </p><p> [Leve stares, dumbfounded. Kobi simply meets his gaze as second after uncomfortable second passes by. Eventually the production truck cuts to commercial. When we return, Leve has had his 'medicine' and is back on form]</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Leve:</strong> GodDammitWe'reBack! Yeah! Woo! Let's do this! I'm still joined by BFC champion Kagetoki Kobi...Kobi, lets look at the footage of your, some might say, <em>controversial</em> title victory and maybe you could talk us through the end of the fight? </p><p> </p><p> <strong>Kobi:</strong> Controvertial? Nonsense! My technique is unparrallelled, my strength is unmatched, my speed is...</p><p> </p><p> [Kobi is cut off as the video plays. We see a grainy shot of two men in a BCF cage. Sanya Golob, then BFC champion, is literally chasing a screaming, sprinting Kobi in circles around the cage. The Japanese fighter's corner can be heard yelling "Run away, he's going to kill you, for god's sake run away!"]</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Kobi:</strong> Ahh, my legendary 'Track and Field' defence, many a great warrior has succumbed to it's might!</p><p> </p><p> [The Tom and Jerry-esque chase in the cage continues. Kobi is dripping sweat all over the mat; eventually Golob, in an attempt to switch directions, manages to slip on a particularly large patch and stumbles into the surprised Kobi's path. The Japanese fighter panics and attempts to hurdle his falling foe, who careens straight into his outstretched foot, knocking himself unconscious]</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Kobi:</strong> There! Head kick KO! I am the champion! Asanovic eat your heart out! Ahahahha!</p><p> </p><p> [before the clip finishes, the crowd can be seen rioting and throwing garbage into the cage]</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Kobi:</strong> Look how they adore their new champion. Showing me with gifts! I was truly an inspiration to them all that night. Ous!</p><p> </p><p> [Leve looks out of shot to his producer]</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Leve:</strong> Jesus Christ, really? Ok, so you're the BCF champion. Fans are saying that you're only fighting in BCF because of your...um...there's frankly no other way of putting it... disastrous runs in Alpha-1 and GAMMA. How do you respond to those comments? </p><p> </p><p> <strong>Kobi:</strong> Lies! Garbage! Futile attempts to slander the great and honourable name of Kagetoki Kobi! Do you have any idea what this name means? What it represents? </p><p> </p><p> [Kobi, despite wearing his usual aloof expression, appears to be losing it slightly]</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Kobi:</strong> Are you even aware of the ancient Japanese translation of my name? </p><p> </p><p> [Leve consults his notes]</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Leve:</strong> It says here...'He who is without control of his bladder'? </p><p> </p><p> <strong>Kobi:</strong> An outrage! How dare you! I'd like to take this opportunity to thank my other sponsor, Dr Bob's Incontinence Pants Depot. Ask for the special 'Kobi BCF Title Fight Limited Edition', because if you're going to p*** yourself, p*** yourself like a champ!</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Leve:</strong> Right, so...ah, what does your name actually mean then in, what was it, 'ancient Japanese'? </p><p> </p><p> <strong>Kobi:</strong> It means "Go f*** yourself". Next question. </p><p> </p><p> <strong>Leve:</strong> There was recently some controversy when your application for a fighters licence in California was denied on the grounds that you are certifiably insane. Care to comment on that?</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Kobi:</strong> Lies. I'm intellectually unparalleled. </p><p> </p><p> <strong>Leve:</strong> You were seen being led from the commission hearing in a straight jacket. </p><p> </p><p> <strong>Kobi:</strong> Ah, Camilla, you are so regretfully missinformed! That was no straight jacket, that was a new type of Jiu-Jitsu Gi that the commission are forcing me to wear. It straps my arms to my body in order to give my opponents a fair chance. Come now, ask me a real question you pathetic little man!</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Leve:</strong> Well, we're actually out of time for this segment...</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Kobi:</strong> What? You dare dishonour me in such a way? Nobody cares about that idiot Foster or that insignificant da Guia! The people want Kobi! I tell you what, bring them both out, I'll fight them right now!</p><p> </p><p> [Kobi begins to furiously untie his shoes] </p><p> </p><p> <strong>Leve:</strong> We'll they're not actually here...we just have reports...</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Kobi:</strong> Cowards! They dare not face me! I will eat my Unicorn, bulk up to heavyweight and fight James Foster. Then I'll have Dr Bob suck 60lbs out of my and destroy da Guia on the same night! </p><p> </p><p> <strong>Leve:</strong> Won't that...uh...kill you? </p><p> </p><p> <strong>Kobi:</strong> Preposterous! I am immortal! I'd like to thank my other sponsor, Dr Bob's Coffin Shack. Ask for the Kobi Premium Service, because noone spends more time knocked stiff on his back than Kagetoki Kobi!</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Leve:</strong> Well that really is all we've got time for folks, thank the lord. When we come back...</p><p> </p><p> [Kobi, infuriated at the premature end to the interview, leaps to his feet and kicks his chair across the room]</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Kobi:</strong> 16-0! </p><p> </p><p> <strong>Leve:</strong>...When we come back, more on James Foster's title defence and...</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Kobi:</strong> He is a fraud, he never fought Kobi!!!</p><p> </p><p> [The now hysterical Japanese fighter kicks one of the many production staff who are now trying to usher him off the set in the shin]</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Kobi:</strong> 17-0!!! 17-0!!!!</p><p> </p><p> [More studio staff, backed up by security, flood the stage. Kobi, sensing a challenge, attempts to pull off his shirt, only to get his head stuck and his arm and neck tangled]</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Leve:</strong> (Shouting over the din):...our featured report on Carlos da Guia. Outside MMA returns after these messages. </p><p> </p><p> [As the studio lights dim and the camera pulls out, we see Kobi flailing around the set, his shirt getting ever tighter around his head from all the struggling. Eventually he stops, slumps to the floors, writhes for a few seconds and taps his own chest with his free arm, before passing out as the garment cuts off the blood supply to his head] </p><p> </p><p> Producer: 17-1?</p></div></blockquote><p> </p><p> ohh, mate. that was hilarious. ridiculously funny. havent laughed that much in a while. i literally have tears in my eyes. good one. very nicely done</p>

Carlos da Guia wins the GAMMA WW belt. KO'ing Regueiro in the 2nd round. I somehow forget to renew his contract. Fortunately he loses it to Van Der Capellan and leaves. For months I try to renegotiate but yea, he doesn't want to. BCF eventually sign him up (12k per fight as opposed to the 60k he was on, wtf). Ohh but wait, what's that I hear? Financial problems in BCF? Takeover! Done! 1 fight later, Carlos da Guia is back in GAMMA. 12k per fight! #winning