The Wrath of Rahn (Cornellverse)

Karl_Kitsch · September 22, 2009

January 3rd, 2008

http://www.TCW.com:

Today, Total Championship Wrestling has granted Doug "Genghis" Rahn a release from his contract. TCW wishes him the best in all future endeavors.

http://www.pulsewrestling.com

With hardcore legend Genghis Rahn on the free market, how long will it be before he shows up under some stupid mask working for Eisen?

Karl_Kitsch · September 22, 2009

January 4, 2008

http://www.rahntothehills.com

Despite rumors to the contrary, I am not seeking employment with the SWF. I am still friends with, and loyal to, Tommy Cornell. TCW was no longer fun for me and wrestling a giant shrimp does not promise to be any more interesting. I will let Genghis Rahn's Horde know what my next move is. You will not be disappointed.

Karl_Kitsch · September 22, 2009

January 5, 2008

http://www.wrestlingdonkey.com

Rumor has it that the newly unemployed Genghis Rahn is considering a babyface run. No, seriously. Who would take on a broken down old hardcore wrestler and let them work face just because they have some name value left? I have a STRONG suspicion you can figure it out...

Karl_Kitsch · September 23, 2009

January 7, 2008

http://www.rahntothehills.com

Watch American Wrestling Wednesday night! There will definitely be some fireworks in Memphis! I like exclamation points!!

Zeel1 · September 23, 2009

Genghis in USPW, eh? Seems a tad obvious, but at the same time, he is a good fit. Hell, I might go there too, if I were him, he'd probably be one of the top 5 greatest wrestlers on that roster. When you look at guys like Giant Redwood, it really makes you appreciate guys like Rahn, and all of their C- brawling goodness..

Although I must say, I don't see why Rahn would get bored with TCW now. He just turned face a few months before the startdate for the first time ever, so now would seem like an odd time to start getting a case of the "blahs"..

Karl_Kitsch · September 23, 2009

January 8, 2008

http://www.rahntothehills.com

Every single day, when I log onto http://www.rahntothehills.com, I am bombarded with questions. So, here is a little Rahn FAQ for all my Rahniacs.

What do you do to keep your hair so bouncy and full of life?- Lukas666

Conditioner! Seriously, you condition twice but don't rinse out the second application completely. Leave that stuff in all day and your hair will almost be as sweet as mine.

Genghis, I'm a 13 year old boy and I want girls to like me. What should I do?- Rahniac95

Well, Rahniac95, what you should do is get to know the girl you want to like you and listen to her wants and needs. That way, you can appeal to her on all levels. Or learn how to play guitar and make a bunch of money. One or the other.

Mr. Rahn, is there a God?- RoughJusticeRoughLaw

That's an excellent, but difficult question. Simply put, I do not believe human beings have the faculty to perceive the intent or even existence of a divine being. But, then again, someone made me, and I am totally awesome. You know what, never mind. There is totally a God! How else would the world be graced with Genghis Rahn? How, I ask you? Last question.

I must say, I don't see why you would get bored with TCW now. You just turned face a few months before the startdate for the first time ever, so now would seem like an odd time to start getting a case of the "blahs".- Zeel1

Have you ever worked for Tommy Cornell? Dude is a great guy. He is smart, rich, almost as good looking as yours truly, married to a super fox... Oh, and he is only the best professional wrestler of his, and my, generation. I can see no reason why it would be boring to finally get to work face, but against the preeminent wrestler of our age, who also runs the company? Well, you know, except the death grip he has on the belt. Look, he's a great guy, love him to death and all that jazz, but do you really think he was going to put the title on me? Or Ricky? Or Tyson? Or me? Hell, no. The next man to hold that belt is Tommy Jr., Wolf Hawkins. I have nothing bad to say about those two, and the handsome severance package I was given in exchange for not going to the Eisens, but let's be clear, I was playing on Tommy's yard and that was not going to change. Sometimes, it is better to be the biggest dog on a smaller yard than the second biggest on the big yard. Woof!

Karl_Kitsch · September 24, 2009

January 9, 2008

http://www.wrestlingdonkey.com

Wrestling Donkey correspondent therapist_clown reports that Genghis Rahn arrived in Memphis tonight for the USPW American Wrestling show. Fire up those DVRs, lads, this is going to be some night for America's number 3 promotion.

mistaken · September 24, 2009

hey Ron, loved your last PPV match man, but when are the links to your websites going to work? -HTMLame

[thread=29565]www.rahntothehills.com[/thread]

thought I would give you a look, sorry to take a pot shot. Like what I've seen. Hope the first show goes off well, that is always the hard part

Karl_Kitsch · September 24, 2009

January 9, 2008

http://www.rahntothehills.com

Time for another mailbag from my Rahniacs!

Mr. Genghis Rahn, do you need help enlarging a certain part of the male anatomy?- SmilinBob

No, Mr. Bob, I do not need any help with that. My anatomy is perfectly fine. Unless someone told you I need help. Did someone tell you I needed help? Who was it? Was it Emma? Was it? Tell me! Tell me, you smilin' SOB!!!

hey Ron, loved your last PPV match man, but when are the links to your websites going to work? -HTMLame

The links to my website are going to work when you access them from a computer in the Cornellverse. I keep telling you people that we live in Tommy Cornell's world, why won't you believe me? The signs are everywhere, man, the signs abound. You just have to look. If you are trying to access my website from another reality, then consider my mind blown, dude. Blown.

Rahn, I need to get in shape so my girlfriend does not leave me for my cousin. What workout routine would you recommend?- mistaken

Dude, you need the three P's! Party, Pabst, and Party! I wake up every single day, at the crack of noon. I pop open a Pabst Blue Ribbon and suck it down nice and slow. Then I smoke a cigarette and chug two more. Breakfast is done! For lunch, I drink three Pabsts and smoke another cigarette. Finally, I party until dawn. Easy.

As far as working out goes, party til you puke. Seriously. By chasing ladies all day, drinking as much Pabst as you can, throwing up, and waking up in dumpsters, you can burn 5-10 calories a day or something. Screaming along to Maiden helps, too. Just remember, white denim jeans are slimming.

If your lady does run off with your cousin, you can always pick up her cousin. Or her sister. Or her mom. Or her grandma. Whatever works, dude.

Karl_Kitsch · September 24, 2009

January 9, 2008

http://www.wrestlingdonkey.com

USPW put on a pretty important show tonight at the Memphis Armoury. Here are the results.

In the dark matches:

Hellbent (Grease Hogg and Lead Belly, late of the SWF, with indie manager Playboy Jake Sawyer) beat the Hillbillys in a mercifully short match. E+

Rage (Demon Anger and Warlord Power) put the boots to the Natural Storm(Eddie Howard and D.C. Rayne, currently seen in Puerto Rico's FREEDOM promotion). The match was shockingly good for a dark match, with Anger Demon Slamming Howard for the pin. D-

D-Fence (USPW's Des Davids and MAW standout 'Bulldozer' Brandon Smith in football gear) slaughtered the makeshift team of Lex Appeal and Tribal Warrior. A neat double sack move finished Lex off. E

Sam Strong then came to the ring to introduce the Internet-less marks to Genghis Rahn. This got a nice reaction from the crowd. Why Genghis is wearing a white t-shirt and white jeans now is anyone's guess. C+

The main show kicked off with Jumbo 'I'm Not A Shrimp' Jackson giving an Avalanche to Happy Elwood. Standard USPW squash match. E+

Alicia Strong used her dad's old finisher to end an 8 minute match with Nadia Snow. Neither lady seemed to dig the other and the results were lackluster. Second Sam Strong sighting of the night, as he watched Alicia from the announcer's table. D

Bruce the Giant beat Eric the Bull in Suck the Match. All the Bruce spots you know and love, this time with half the selling. A Giant Choke Slam finished the deliberations. D

Java got a surprising win over up and comer Darryl Devine. Was this punishment to Devine for showing up at the last CZCW show or are they really going to push Java? D-

A backstage camera reveals the Seduction has been taken out by a mystery attacker. Wonder if the new guy did it... F+

Cherry Bomb defended her Women's Title against Stephanie Wade in a match best described as blah. The Women's division is intolerably bad right now. None of these girls have chemistry and someone needs to either come in and shake things up, or they need to phase this out. The owner has a daughter, so my guess is that new girls are on the way. D-

Nicky Champion came to the ring with Sam Strong holding his USPW Television Title on his shoulder. Bad news for the challenger, Giant Redwood. Nicky looks good out there and finishes the world's least exciting worker with a Hawkeye Hammer. D

Sam and Nicky celebrate as we go to commercial. The crowd is eating it up. C

Chris Caulfield asks Mick Muscles if he knew who assaulted his manager. Hopefully to thank them for removing that dead weight from his arm. Anyway, words are exchanged and Danny Rushmore, unsurprisingly, attacks from behind. Caulfield is tough but the tag team champs beat him down. Rushmore picks him up for a powerbomb, but Genghis Rahn makes the save. The white clad metalhead cleans house and helps Caulfield up. They shake hands. D+

Caulfield and Rahn went on to beat the tag team champs, the Towers of Power, but do not get the title. Sheik Mustafa, their new manager, pulls the unconscious Muscles out of the ring and the champs lose via countout. D+

James Justice defended his USPW World Heavyweight Title against Peter Valentine in the best match of the night. The only mar on an otherwise great match was the finish. Literally one segment after the tag champs save their belt by countout, Justice wins after Valentine's bodyguard, Jumbo Jackson, accidentally smashed his boss with a chair. C+

Justice, brutalized by Valentine, gets to his feet to leave the ring, but T-Rex's music hits. Justice looks around, but cannot see the Jurassic Beast. T-Rex leaps over the barriers, slides under the ropes, and spears the champion to the mat. T-Rex is the only man standing as the show ends. B+

I would give the show a C. Early ratings reports have it getting a .40. Good show, but the new tag division and some hot storylines should make next week's show from Kansas City even better.

Zeel1 · September 24, 2009

The write-up to the show was okay, but the presentation leaves some to be desired. May I suggest using some pictures, seperating segments with quotes, or maybe atleast giving the results under the matches? The write-up is good, but the post isn't much to look at..segments need to be seperated a little more.

mistaken · September 24, 2009

The write-up to the show was okay, but the presentation leaves some to be desired. May I suggest using some pictures, seperating segments with quotes, or maybe atleast giving the results under the matches? The write-up is good, but the post isn't much to look at..segments need to be seperated a little more.

Not sure I agree with pictures but the rest of this is spot on. you got the writing, and an interesting writing style. Alone enough to make this a diary worth watching. but the presentation hurts my eyes and makes reading it a chore.

My suggestion, go back up and edit what's there and find something that works better.

Karl_Kitsch · September 24, 2009

Not sure I agree with pictures but the rest of this is spot on. you got the writing, and an interesting writing style. Alone enough to make this a diary worth watching. but the presentation hurts my eyes and makes reading it a chore.

My suggestion, go back up and edit what's there and find something that works better.

Yeah, I am NOT doing pictures again. I will rejigger the format. I was going for a website style write up, which I accomplished, but you guys reminded me why I stopped reading website write ups of shows.

Karl_Kitsch · September 24, 2009

As soon as I typed that, I remembered that I had most of the USPW already uploaded to my Photobucket. I'll be re-editing and adding pictures sometime today.

Karl_Kitsch · September 24, 2009

Hellbent with Playboy Jake Sawyer VS. the Hillbillys

Hellbent dominated the longstanding USPW face team of Al and Pete, the Hillbillys, with a brutal combination of brawling prowess and nasty slams. Grease Hogg took the pin over Al with a Grease Spot to end the match.

Winners: Hellbent

Rating: E+

Karl_Kitsch · September 24, 2009

That is a preview of the new format. I will repost show number one in that style tonight. Gotta hit the grocery and mow the lawn, first.

Karl_Kitsch · September 25, 2009

January 9, 2008

Memphis Armoury, Memphis, TN

Presents

DARK MATCHES

Hellbent with Playboy Jake Sawyer VS. the Hillbillys

Hellbent (former SWF tag team the Dirty White Boys, Grease Hogg and Lead Belly) dominated the longstanding USPW face team of Al and Pete, the Hillbillys, with a brutal combination of brawling prowess and nasty slams. Grease Hogg took the pin over Al with a Grease Spot to end the match.

Winners: Hellbent

Rating: E+

RAGE vs. the Natural Storm

Rage (Demon Anger and Warlord Power, FREEDOM's owner Puerto Rican Power) put the boots to the debuting Natural Storm(Eddie Howard and D.C. Rayne, currently seen in Puerto Rico's FREEDOM promotion and formerly of MAW). The match was shockingly good for a dark match, with Anger Demon Slamming Howard for the pin.

Winners: RAGE

Rating: D-

D-Fence vs. Lex Appeal and Tribal Warrior

D-Fence (USPW's Des Davids and MAW standout 'Bulldozer' Brandon Smith in football gear) slaughtered the makeshift team of Lex Appeal and Tribal Warrior. A neat double sack move finished Lex off.

Winners: D-Fence

Rating: E

Sam Strong Is In The Ring And He Has A Microphone!

"Hello, Memphis! Welcome to a very special edition of USPW American Wrestling! Over the last couple of months, I have worked day and night to bring you, the best fans in the World, USPW's fantastic fans, the absolute best talent in the World. Wrestlers like Bruce the Giant and James Justice can only shine brighter with the addition of talents like Chris Caulfield and Jumbo Jackson. What some of you may not know is that the USPW has pulled off quite a coup this week. We have added the hottest free agen in all of wrestling to our already stellar roster. Tonight is the debut of Phoenix, Arizona's own...

There is a moment of silence and then the bang of pyro and Iron Maiden's "Run to the Hills" plays over the PA.

Genghis Rahn walks done the aisle, clad in a white t-shirt and white denim jeans, barefoot. He headbangs and plays air guitar as he comes to the ring, jamming with the crowd.

"Thanks for the introduction, Sam! Hello, USPW! It's great to be in the most exciting promotion in the World! For those of you who don't know me, my name is Genghis Rahn, and I came to the USPW for one thing. I came here to PARTY! I brought the Maiden and the Pabst, and you dudes bring the party! Let's do this thing!

Sam and Genghis shake hands and pose for the crowd before rolling out of the ring.

Rating: C+

The Main Show Begins

The pyro hits and the announcers take their positions for this week's American Wrestling.

Happy Elwood vs. JUMBO Jackson

Happy does not even get out of the gates against the nasty giant, JUMBO. Jackson throws Happy around the ring a few times and smashes him with a JUMBO Avalanche.

Winner: JUMBO Jackson

Rating: E+

Alicia Strong with Sam Strong vs. Nadia Snow

Alicia Strong used her dad's old finisher the Strong Arm Tactic to end an 8 minute match with Nadia Snow. Neither lady seemed to dig the other and the results were lackluster. Second Sam Strong sighting of the night, as he watched Alicia from the announcer's table.

Winner: Alicia Strong

Rating: D

Bruce the Giant vs. Eric the Bull

Bruce the Giant beat Eric the Bull in Suck the Match. All the Bruce spots you know and love, this time with half the selling. A Giant Choke Slam finished the deliberations.

Winner: Bruce the Giant

Rating: D

Darryl Devine vs. Java

Java got a surprising win over up and comer Darryl Devine. Was this punishment to Devine for showing up at the last CZCW show or are they really going to push Java?

Winner: Java

Rating: D-

Seduction is Knocked Out!

A roving cameraman finds Chris Caulfield's manager, Seduction face down in a hallway. She has been attacked from behind and has no idea who did it.

Rating: F+

Stephanie Wade vs. USPW Women's Champion Cherry Bomb

USPW Women's Title Match

Cherry Bomb defended her Women's Title against Stephanie Wade in a match best described as blah. The Women's division is intolerably bad right now. None of these girls have chemistry and someone needs to either come in and shake things up, or they need to phase this out. The owner has a daughter who wrestles, so my guess is that new girls are on the way.

Winner and STILL Champion: Cherry Bomb

Rating: D-

Giant Redwood vs. USPW Television Champion Nicky Champion with Sam Strong

USPW Television Title Match

Nicky Champion came to the ring with Sam Strong holding his USPW Television Title on his shoulder. Bad news for the challenger, Giant Redwood. Nicky looks good out there and finishes the world's least exciting worker with a Hawkeye Hammer.

Winner and STILL Champion: Nicky Champion

Rating: D

Chris Caulfield Is Talking To Mick Muscles

They are talking when...

Danny Rushmore comes out of nowhere and attacks Chris. The Towers of Power are beating Caulfield down when...

Genghis Rahn runs in and beats both of the tag champs back. He and Chris are spoiling for a fight. Caulfield asks for a match and the Towers agree.

Rating: D+

Caulfield and Rahn vs. USPW Tag Team Champions The Towers of Power

USPW Tag Team Title Match

A quick and dirty brawl ensues between the burning hot Caulfield and Rahn and the devious Towers. Rahn hits a George DeColt Press on Muscles and the two of them roll out of the ring, still pounding on each other with punches. Caulfield brutalizes Rushmore and preps him for a Danger Drop when...

Sheik Mustafa runs down the aisle and pulls Rushmore out of the ring by his ankle. The Towers are counted out as Mustafa laughs. Caulfield and Rahn are furious!

Winners, via Count Out: Caulfield and Rahn

Champions, via Count Out: the Towers of Power

Rating:D+

Peter VALENTINE with JUMBO Jackson vs. USPW World Champion James Justice

UPSW World Title Match

James Justice defended his USPW World Heavyweight Title against Peter Valentine in the best match of the night. The only mar on an otherwise great match was the finish. Literally one segment after the tag champs save their belt by countout, Justice wins after Valentine's bodyguard, Jumbo Jackson, accidentally smashed his boss with a chair.

Winner and STILL Champion: James Justice

Rating: C+

Before Justice knows what hit him, T-Rex is on him from behind, clubbing him with forearm blows before hitting a nasty clothesline. James Justice is down on the mat and T-Rex is snorting into the camera as the screen fades to black.

Rating: B+

SHOW RATING: C

TV Rating: 0.40

Karl_Kitsch · September 25, 2009

Well, that is the first show in the new format. Took awhile, but should go faster next time. What do you guys think?

Zeel1 · September 25, 2009

The segments still seem just a tad too close, but otherwise it's much better. Pics are always good, especially for those who don't know the roster well, as it makes it easier for them to envision the matches and angles.

Karl_Kitsch · September 25, 2009

The segments still seem just a tad too close, but otherwise it's much better. Pics are always good, especially for those who don't know the roster well, as it makes it easier for them to envision the matches and angles.

Yeah, I'm still trying to find a way to fix that. Any ideas?

I am glad I went with pictures, since not everyone knows the USPW as well as I do and it makes it more interesting. I just switched to Safari from Firefox, so I can actually SEE the pics.

Zeel1 · September 25, 2009

Yeah, I'm still trying to find a way to fix that. Any ideas?
I am glad I went with pictures, since not everyone knows the USPW as well as I do and it makes it more interesting. I just switched to Safari from Firefox, so I can actually SEE the pics.

Well, I talked about putting the segments in quotes before..the thing about that, though, is that may look better with bigger walls of text then it does with a couple lines. But I don't know, maybe the added pictures, plus the results being spaced out, would make that look okay. It's what I use to seperate segments. Well that, and announcer convos. And of course the occassional ***Commercial Break***..but that's just me. It looks better now, though, for sure. You just do what you think looks best.

I also always center the matches, and anything within angles aside from the writing itself, I always felt it looked better that way. You could try that, maybe?

Karl_Kitsch · September 25, 2009

Well, I talked about putting the segments in quotes before..the thing about that, though, is that may look better with bigger walls of text then it does with a couple lines. But I don't know, maybe the added pictures, plus the results being spaced out, would make that look okay. It's what I use to seperate segments. Well that, and announcer convos. And of course the occassional ***Commercial Break***..but that's just me. It looks better now, though, for sure. You just do what you think looks best.

I also always center the matches, and anything within angles aside from the writing itself, I always felt it looked better that way. You could try that, maybe?

It's worth a shot. These results were short because I was converting a short format (faux Internet reporting) into the new format. I have a problem with verbosity and not brevity on most occasions. It's funny you mention the commercial break, because I almost inserted one.

Karl_Kitsch · September 25, 2009

January 13, 2008

http://www.wrestlingdonkey.com

USPW News Tidbits

Sam Strong was pleased enough with the team of Des Davids and Bulldozer Brandon Smith in their dark match debut that Bulldozer was given a contract offer. Rumor has it that the team will likely be renamed and featured prominently on an upcoming show.

Speaking of pleasant surprises, management was also pleased with the reaction T-Rex got for destroying James Justice. Do not be surprised if he becomes the company's top heel real soon. Like now.

Less positive is the lack of midcard heels for Nicky Champion to defend his Television Title against. With Anger, Warlord Power, and Giant Redwood being ruled out, look for Java, Tribal Warrior, and a new face or two to take on Sam Strong's protege.

With the Women's Division stagnant, the rumor mill is circling around Sam Strong bringing in a big named female wrestler or two and a couple younsters to heat things up.

CZCW fixture Frankie Perez was seen in Memphis Wednesday. Could the USPW be eyeing the indie standout?

Karl_Kitsch · September 26, 2009

January 16, 2008

Kansas City War Memorial, Kansas City, MO

<a href="

http://s223.photobucket.com/albums/dd99/chuck_jaywalk/USPW/?action=view&current=USPW_alt.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i223.photobucket.com/albums/dd99/chuck_jaywalk/USPW/USPW_alt.jpg" border="0" alt="uspw"></a>

PRESENTS

AMERICAN Wrestling!

DARK MATCHES

<a href="http://s223.photobucket.com/albums/dd99/chuck_jaywalk/USPW/?action=view&current=PlayboyJakeSawyer-1.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i223.photobucket.com/albums/dd99/chuck_jaywalk/USPW/PlayboyJakeSawyer-1.jpg" border="0" alt="uspw"></a> <a href="http://s223.photobucket.com/albums/dd99/chuck_jaywalk/USPW/?action=view&current=LeadBelly.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i223.photobucket.com/albums/dd99/chuck_jaywalk/USPW/LeadBelly.jpg" border="0" alt="uspw"></a> <a href="http://s223.photobucket.com/albums/dd99/chuck_jaywalk/USPW/?action=view&current=GreaseHogg.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i223.photobucket.com/albums/dd99/chuck_jaywalk/USPW/GreaseHogg.jpg" border="0" alt="uspw"></a> VS. <a href="http://s223.photobucket.com/albums/dd99/chuck_jaywalk/USPW/?action=view&current=AlTheHillbilly-1.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i223.photobucket.com/albums/dd99/chuck_jaywalk/USPW/AlTheHillbilly-1.jpg" border="0" alt="Al the Hillbilly"></a> <a href="http://s223.photobucket.com/albums/dd99/chuck_jaywalk/USPW/?action=view&current=PeteTheHillbilly.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i223.photobucket.com/albums/dd99/chuck_jaywalk/USPW/PeteTheHillbilly.jpg" border="0" alt="uspw"></a>

Hellbent with Jake Sawyer vs. the Hillbillys

Another 3 minute classic dark match. Grease Hogg and Leadbelly dominate the Hillbillys, using devious methods to outwit the bumpkins. Playboy Jake Sawyer impressed the crowd with his outside the ring shenanigans. Lead Belly mercifully finished off Al the Hillbilly with an RPM Bomb.

Winners: Hellbent

Rating: E+

the Blitz Brothers vs. Happy Elwood and Lex Appeal

Des and Brandon Blitz come to the ring in a combination of wrestling and football gear. They take a couple seconds to psych each other out before entering the ring. Elwood and Lex, despite never having tagged together, work well as a team, perhaps leading to a permanent pairing. The Blitz Brothers use a simplified brawling and tackling offense to take down the new team of Lex and Happy. Lex bails on the match and Happy gets smashed with an All Out Blitz.

Winners: the Blitz Brothers

Rating: E-

Geena the Warrior Princess vs. Dharma Gregg

The two debuting Women's Division workers are going all out to impress the crowd. While the crowd does not know the two ladies in the ring, the chemistry they display lets the booking team know that they will have better matches down the road. Dharma wins the match with One For The Road.

Winner: Dharma Gregg

Rating: F+

Stephanie Wade vs. Alicia Strong

Alicia and Stephanie go at each other full steam for the match's three minutes. Stephanie gets a nice bit of offense before Alicia makes a big comeback before hitting the Strong Arm Tactic for the win. A short but quality match for the house crowd.

Winner: Alicia Strong

Rating: D+

The Main Show

James Justice marches to the ring with the belt around his waist and a serious look on his face. He grabs a microphone.

"When I woke up this morning, my back was killing me. I could barely get out of bed. I was sore and did not even know if I would make it to the arena tonight. I was ready to close my eyes and go back to sleep when a glimmer of light hit my eyes. It was the USPW World Title catching the sunlight. It was like a laser cutting into my brain. I knew then that I had to come to the arena tonight and defend this belt. So, Kansas City, do you want to see me take on that sneaky creep, T-Rex?"

The Kansas City crowd cheers until T-Rex's music hits. T-Rex stomps out from behind the curtain. He is hunched over and snorting. Sheik Mustafa holds a microphone in front of his mouth.

"ROOOAAARRR!!! (snort!)"

James Justice looks confused.

"Umm, I'm going to take that as a yes... Hit my music!

Rating: C+

***COMMERCIAL BREAK***

Giant Redwood vs. Bruce the Giant

These two veteran big men know each other well. Redwood even deigns to give Bruce a head nod before the match starts. The two big men feel each other out, teasing a test of strength. After locking each others' knuckles, Redwood knees Bruce in the gut and cranks the knuckle lock, dropping Bruce to his knees. Bruce struggles up to his feet and blasts Redwood with a kick to the knee. The hold is broken. Both men circle each other until Bruce comes in with a clubbing blow. Redwood is down. A fairly even, if standard brawl ensues. After a few minutes of this back and forth brawling, Redwood comes off the ropes for a clothesline. Bruce catches him in a choke and delivers the Giant Choke Slam. 1-2-3!

Winner: Bruce the Giant

Rating: D

Eric the Bull vs. Darryl Devine

Bouncing back from a rather disappointing outing against Java last week, Darryl is all over Eric the Bull. A dropkick to the knee takes Eric to the mat, where his size advantage disappears under the shining light of Devine's submissions skill. A kneebar into a figure four leglock sequence does little to fire up the crowd. Eric uses a couple of left-handed punches to break the hold and get to his feet. The Bull uses all of his offensive skills to make Devine back off of him, but he finally falls to a Savate kick to the calf followed by the nasty Devine Death Drop.

Winner: Darryl Devine

Rating: E+

Tribal Warrior vs. Jim Force

The wily veteran Force plays with Tribal Warrior's temper by using hit and run tactics to peck at his defenses. A punch here and a kick there add up quickly and Tribal Warrior loses his cool, charging headlong into Jim Force's perfectly executed clothesline. Force immediately takes over with a rear chinlock, cranking away at the head and neck of the tag team specialist. It was surely not an attempt to give both men time to rest before the final sequence. Tribal Warrior elbowed Force in the ribs a few times as both men took to their feet. TW bounced Force off the ropes and hit him with a spin kick to the chest. Force immediately jumped back to his feet, shaking with rage. Tribal Warrior used a pair of knife edge chops to batter Force, who just seemed to get stronger with each blow. A punch from Tribal Warrior is deflected by Jim Force and turned into a Full Force. Warrior is out like a light!

Winner: Jim Force!

Rating: E+

***COMMERCIAL BREAK***

Alicia Strong is Backstage

Alicia is stretching out before a match, when a mysterious woman comes from around the corner and levels her with a chair.

Danny Jilefski: "Is that?"

Shane Sneer: "That's my girl! That, you blathering idiot, is WANDA FISH! Only the best female wrestler in North America."

Wanda continues her beatdown of Alicia with the chair. She rears it up over her head and goes to swing it down on Alicia's defenseless skull, only it doesn't come down. The camera pulls back to reveal that the rather large hand of Bruce the Giant is holding the chair in place.

Wanda releases the chair and runs off. Bruce takes a second to laugh before dropping to one knee to look at poor, unconscious Alicia. He calls for help.

Danny: "That was reprehensible!"

Shane: "I know! I was enjoying that chair usage until Bruce fouled things up."

Danny: "I really have nothing to say in response to that..."

Shane: "About time that happened."

Rating: C-

Jaime Quine vs. USPW Women's Champion Cherry Bomb

USPW Women's Title Match

Jaime Quine is making her USPW debut against the champ. Cherry makes no allowances for youth, elbowing the young lady in the face. Jaime struggles to her feet, but Cherry Bomb bullies her, kicking and stomping on her as she tries to rise. Quine finally has to roll out of the ring to escape. Bomb follows, throwing Quine off of the barricades before choking her with a cable. The ref finally manages to force the two ladies back in the ring, where Quine finally lands some offense in the form of some low kicks and a body slam. With the champion on the mat, Jaime hits a leg drop and goes for a quick pin. 1-2---no, kick out! Jaime lifts Bomb to her feet and goes for a vertical suplex. Cherry Bomb fights it. Quine tries again, but cannot muscle the larger lady up. Cherry pulls back and kicks Quine in the stomach. Before anyone can even draw a breath, Cherry has Quine up in the air for a Cherry Bomb.

Winner and STILL Women's Champion: Cherry Bomb

Rating D-

RAGE vs. Caulfield and Rahn

RAGE have the experience advantage, having both been in famous tag teams. Caulfield and Rahn, however, beat the tag team champs in their first match as a team. RAGE take little time in trying to isolate Caulfield. Too bad they did not do their homework on Rahn. While they attack Caulfield, Rahn sets up a pair of folding chairs at ring side. As RAGE prepare Caulfield for a stereo clothesline, Rahn low bridges Anger out of the ring. Caulfield ducks Power's side of the clothesline and keeps him, and the ref, busy while Rahn sets Anger up on the chairs. Chris positions Power against the ropes and Genghis uses a suplex to drop him on his opponent. RAGE are lying in a pile of chairs outside the ring for a minute before Rahn rolls Power back in the ring. Caulfield picks up an easy pinfall.

Winners: Caulfield and Rahn

Rating: D+

Peter Valentine and JUMBO Jackson Are Skulking in the Parking Lot

Valentine and Jackson are looking for someone, as the cameraman follows. Suddenly, the dastardly pair duck behind an SUV. That someone walks around the corner, it's...

CAPTAIN USA!

JUMBO and Peter are on him like wild dogs, kicking and punching the American hero until they are chased off by security. Sadly, the damage is already done, as Cap is bloodied.

Rating:C-

***COMMERCIAL BREAK***

the Natural Storm vs. USPW Tag Team Champions The Towers of Power

USPW Tag Team Title Match

The television debut for the Natural Storm starts off strong, with stereo dropkicks chasing the champs out of the ring. The champs shake off the cobwebs and have a strategy session before entering the ring from opposite side. Howard and Rayne try their best to press the early advantage, but the sheer might of the Towers is too much for them to handle. An Atomic Boot ends the challenge.

Winners and STILL Tag Team Champions: The Towers of Power

Rating: D-

***COMMERCIAL BREAK***

Captain USA vs. Peter Valentine with JUMBO Jackson

Captain USA limps to the ring, his clothes tattered, but he puts on a brave face for the adoring fans. The camera pans to worried children and adults nearly weeping at the sight of a wounded Cap. He gets a rousing applause when he reaches the center of the ring. Peter Valentine and his bodyguard, JUMBO, walk slowly to the ring, taking all of the hate the crowd can muster. Peter is smiling from ear to ear, acting like he is getting the Christian Faith pop. JUMBO is unmoved, staring a hole in Captain USA like he was the one who was jumped in the parking lot.

Danny: "Peter Valentine is delusional and JUMBO Jackson might be criminally insane. I can't figure out which one is more dangerous."

Shane: "JUMBO is more dangerous than a bear with chainsaw hands. He will destroy everything he touches. Valentine better watch his back."

Danny: "So even the despised Shane Sneer thinks JUMBO JAckson is a reprehensible human being. You might have morals, after all."

Shane: "I never said reprehensible, I said dangerous! I love JUMBO!"

Danny: "Oy."

Valentine laughs at Cap, swiping at him with no intention of making contact, trying to make him flinch. Cap can barely stand. Peter starts laughing and turns to point at how pathetic Captain USA is when a fierce right cross knocks him to the mat. Valentine sits up and shakes his head. He smiles. Cap puts up a valiant, but brief, defense, using punches and a lariat to attack Valentine, but the parking lot beating is too much to recover from. A Heart Breaker earns the pin.

Winner: Peter Valentine

Rating: D

Java vs. USPW Television Champion Nicky Champion

USPW Television Title Match

Java, fresh off of a win over Darryl Devine, looks confident. The competitors circle each other before diving in for a collar and elbow. Java breaks it off. They dive in again and Nicky has to bow out. Both men nod their heads at one another out of respect. They dive in again. The crowd is on edge as the two struggle. Finally, Java pushes Champion down to the mat. Nicky is up quickly, but Java has the advantage. He gets behind Champion and tries to muscle him up with an early Island Suplex. Championlowers his body weight and breaks the hold. Nicky gets a quick powerslam when Java comes off the ropes and uses the advantage to hit a fist drop. Java gets up and smirks. Java runs in and gets a knee to Champion's breadbasket, knocking the air out of him. Champion lays on the mat while Java climbs the ropes. The Island Elbow knocks the wind out of Nicky. 1-2--No! Nicky's shoulder is up. Java puts the boots to him before lifting him to his feet. Java puts the champ across his shoulders for a Death Valley Driver. Nicky falls out of it and gets a neckbreaker. Java is down. Nicky gets a quick pin. 1-2--No! Java kicks out. Nicky puts him in a sleeper hold. Java fights out of it and both men are on their feet. Java Irish Whips Nicky into the ropes. He comes off the ropes with clothesline, which Nicky ducks. Champion hits a Hawkeye Hammer on the return and goes for the pin. 1-2-3! Nicky wins, but barely.

Winner and STILL Television Champion: Nicky Champion

Rating: D

Nicky and Sam Strong Celebrate the Win!

Nicky is taking in the crowd's cheers when Sam Strong walks out from the back and lifts his arm for him. The teacher and the student soak in the cheers and adulation.

Rating: C+

T-Rex with Sheik Mustafa vs. USPW World Heavyweight Champion James Justice

USPW World Heavyweight Title Match

Justice is too angry to soak in the crowd's energy, he hits the ring with a purpose and uses a single leg takedown on T-Rex. A pummeling of epic proportions follows, with Justice raining fists down on the Jurassic Classic. T-Rex throws Justice off of him, and half way across the ring. The two men exchange punches, with T-Rex seemingly feeding off of the punishment. Justice drops to one knee and T-Rex stands over him, only to receive a nasty European Uppercut. Justice tries to hit a Liberation Slam, but T-Rex wrestles out of it. T-Rex hammers Justice with a few blows before lifting him for a body slam. James Justice might be dead. He lays motionless while T-Rex plays to the crowd. Mustafa points frantically at Justice's prone body, trying to communicate to T-Rex that the match is not over.

Danny: "It has been literally FIVE MINUTES since James Justice moved."

Shane: "Yeah, whatever that T-Rex boy has in muscles, he lacks in brains. Jilefski, you could have pinned Justice by now."

Danny: "I don't believe non-wrestlers should win titles. I'm not an Eisen."

Shane: "I always knew you had a nasty streak in you, Danny."

Somehow, Justice finds his feet. He staggers behind T-Rex and hits a Liberation Slam. The ref, bored from the whole thing, gives an exceptionally fast count.

Winner and Still USPW World Champion: James Justice (Somehow?)

Rating: C

Post-Match

Justice, damaged and embarrassed, tries to sneak out of the ring, but T-Rex sees him and destroys him AGAIN with a body slam. The camera fades to black.

Rating: B-

Show Rating: C

TV Rating: 0.43

Karl_Kitsch · September 26, 2009

January 17, 2008

http://www.uspw.com

Danny Jilefski here with...

THE JILEFSKI 5!!!

5. The Ladies! I am super excited about the expansion of the Women's Division. Adding Jaime Quine, Wanda Fish, Geena the Warrior Princess, and Dharma Gregg could make the Women's Title equal to the TV Title in respectability.

4. Tag Team Mayhem! Caulfield and Rahn! The Natural Storm! RAGE! There is some serious talent in the tag division these days and I cannot wait to see what happens in the next few weeks. Wait until you get a glimpse at the Blitz Brothers and Hellbent!

3. Nicky Champion vs. Java! Whilst ultimately unsuccessful at winning the TV Title, Java has shown himself to be a singles threat on top of being a former tag champ. Could this be the end of his fruitful relationship with Tribal Warrior?

2. T-REX! Do not think that just because he lost his first attempt to win James Justice's USPW World Title that you have heard the end of T-Rex. He will be back, you can bet on it. Sheik Mustafa will not let him make that mistake again.

1. Peter Valentine and JUMBO Peter Valentine was bad enough on his own, but with the truly reprehensible JUMBO as his second, I shudder to think what he will do at Stars, Stripes, and Slams! this week.

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