Simply Awesome Wrestling! Oh boy...

TEWFan · April 6, 2010

Hi.

My name is Jack Adkins, better known as Jack Avatar. I know you are wondering why the hell a guy like me, a pro wrestler who has never made it to the "big time" is writing his own book. That is a pretty valid question. I asked that same thing myself when the people at "Reaper's Book of Awesomeness" asked me to write a book about my role as the booker of a company called "Simply Awesome Wrestling". I mean, it is not like I am super-popular or the company is the biggest thing in wrestling right now. So....why?

Well, for starters, the company is.....hell, I don't even know how to describe it. Unique? Insane? A figment of someone's imagination? To be honest, unless you have seen it, you won't believe it. I have seen it and still, I find it very hard to believe! I don't know, maybe if we take one part wrestling, one part circus clown, one part saturday morning cartoon show, one part japaneese anime, one part comic book, one part sexy diva action and....how many parts is that? I have seen things over there that I can't find a part for. But whatever.

Before I talk more about the promotion, I am sure you are all wondering how the hell a good old-fashioned 'rassler like myself ended up booking that mess. Well, I guess it was one part opportunity, one part desperation and one part "not doing your research before you sign a damn contract". Really, I signed a contract before I knew what the hell it was all about.

It was my dream to book a wrestling company. I know out there we have thousands of fans who share that dream. I had submited applications to every single wrestling company under the sun and the moon and NOT A SINGLE ONE had replied. I lost all hope.

One day I get a call from somebody who referred to himself as "That fat comic book guy from The Simpsons". Really, that is what he said. I believed it was all a joke, but he proceeded to tell me that he actually looked a lot like the cartoon character and that like him, he was a geek, a nerd, a comic book lover and therefore, a wrestling fan. He was starting his own company with the help of a midget clown radio DJ called Hustler D and he needed someone to book it. He had heard I was desperate for a job and well, he asked for a meeting.

Two days later I flew over to the South Eastern part of the USA to meet this dude, whose real name was Frank, although he never told me his last name. With him was a chain smoking, trash talking, clown-faced midget named Hustler D, who for some reason was very popular radio DJ. Of course, the meeting took place at an actual honest to God comic book store that was owned by Frank and who looked like the fat comic book guy from the Simpsons. Well, I had already learned as much, but it is one thing to hear it and one thing to see it in person. I mean, the dude's belly was sitting ON TOP of the table...it was....well, it was HUGE.

As far as meetings go it was not too bad. We ate a couple of burgers, talked about how wrestling was getting stale and how they wanted to do something different. It was at that time that I knew I wanted the job. Doing something different! That is what I wanted! Maybe bring in some Puro influence, a couple of luchadores and make the ultimate hybrid promotion! I knew that could fly! I did not even ask what different meant, I just signed a contract and everything was set in stone.

Boy, was I in for a shocker.

I was summoned a week later to the "Official Headquarters of Simply Awesome Wrestling"....which turned out to be a basement under the Comic Book Store I had already been in....complete with a giant plasma screen, 3 video game consoles, stacks of video game magazines and a ton of pirated hentai porn DVD's. Oh yeah, and a collection of superhero halloween costumes. This guy was a real freak! Hustler D was also there, watching a blonde chick change into different superhero suits. Chick was not shy, she was getting naked in front of everyone and I am sure that is why Hustler D and "Frank" never liked any of the suits and just kept urging her to try new ones. Soon after I learned her wrestling name was "Power Girl" and she was a former stripper that worked for Babes of Sin City for a while. Oh boy....this could be bad.....only it got worse.

By the time the meeting ended I was introduced to a dozen different wrestlers, both male and female. Apparently they wanted this to be the first Integrated wrestling promotion in which guys and girls competed against each other. Not only that, they wanted to go completely over the top with comic book gimmicks, insane comedy skits and stuff that made little sense to me. Basically it was taking a japaneese anime show and making it a wrestling program...of sorts.

I just lost all hopes for this little project. I heard people talking and crazy ideas being passed around, but I had drifted away from the conversation as I was swallowed by a hole inside my soul...what the hell was this? As I watched the hentai porn DVD that was on display, with a big-breasted, wide-eyed chick getting nailed by what looked like a giant black octopus of...well....penises I felt a lot of empathy with that poor chick.

Like her, I was getting screwed!

TEWFan · April 6, 2010

Simply Awesome Wrestling Presents: SIMPLY AWESOME!

Simply Awesome Wrestling is like nothing you have seen before! You have to be here to see....well, come and see for yourself!

At Simply Awesome we believe in equal rights, so come and see the Elimination Clash of Super Powers of Eternal Might to crown the first ever Simply Awesome Wrestling Intergender Intergalactic Crown Of Supreme Power Champion!

Akuma vs Ant-Man vs Power Girl vs Nina the Psycho Ballerina vs Golden Delicious vs The Big Problem!

Plus, since not every one can be competing for the SAWIICOSPC, we will also begin a small tournament for the SIMPLY AWESOME CONSOLATION PRIZE OF NOT SUCKITUDE!

The Ben Force vs "The Menace" Cal Sanders

Island Boy Apollo vs "The Amish Assassin" Jebediah

"Cowgirl" Ashley Grover VS "True Love" Valentine

"Farm Girl" Ellie May Walton VS Happy Elwood

Come and prepared to be amazed, perplexed, confused and

enlightened....all at once!

TEWFan · April 6, 2010

SAW Presents: Simply Awesome!

http://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW/DavisDitterich.jpg and http://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW/HustlerD.jpg

Announcers: Davis Ditterich & Hustler D

http://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW

Ditterich: "Welcome ladies and gentlemen....or should I say, welcome gentlemen to the first ever Simply Awesome Wrestling show appropiatly titled Simply Awesome! Tonight we will see the first ever Intergender Intergalactic Crown of Supreme Power Champion! That's right six men and women will go into the "Mystic Battlefield of the Gods", that is the ring for all those of you who are not versed in the Simply Awesome Vernacular of the Ancestors".

Hustler D: "And who is not F*** versed in that language Davis? That F**** is the way to go, I mean, the hottest F***** chicks with the biggest T*** dig guys who can speak in the SAWVA dialect! F*** grow up Davis!"

Ditterich: "Of course Hustler, only the real geeks fail to speak in such a legendary and complex vernacular. Also ladies and gentlemen, we will see the beginning of a small tournament for the SAW Consolation Prize of Non-Suckitude! Not everyone can be #1, so let's see who is #2....or #10....or #12....or the last number you can think off that actually doesnt suck!"

Hustler: "Shut your F*** trap Davis and let's get straight to the action as I see the "Legendary Pirate" Sid Meier D'Aske walking down the F**** plank and towards the F*** Mystic Battlefield of the Gods were he is set to do battle with that Fa***ot pretty a** boy Brendan Idol."

Ditterich: "That's right, the legendary voice of the Gods, the singer of Aphrodite, the only man that makes women scream without having to take them to the bed, the "Uber Teen Idol of the Sexy Voice" Brendal Idol!"

http://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW/BrendanIdol.jpg vs http://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW/HughdeAske_alt2.jpg

"The Uber Teen Idol of the Sexy Voice" Brendan Idol vs "The Legendary PIRATE!" Sid Meier D'Aske

D'aske comes out with a fake hook and a fake wooden leg that he removes and uses to beat the hell out of Idol. Chaos spills out of the Mystic Battlefield of the Gods and into the "Forbidden Hell of Ringside" as Idol recovers and whips D'Aske into the announcer's table, or as Ditterich calls it, the "Holy Platform of Voices". D'Aske stands up as Idol starts shaking the table and D'Aske starts to feel seasick....and let's out a huge gob of vomit fly straight into Idol's face! Sid Meier grabs a huge bottle of rum (we know it is rum since it has three giant black X's in the bottle) and takes a shot, then clocks Idol with the bottle and covers him for the win.

Winner: Sid Meier D'Aske (Rating: E+)

Ditterich: "What a great win for Sid Meier D'Aske! It was a titanic struggle between the forces of good and evil, but evil has won out thanks to that illegal XXX rum!"

Hustler: "Now I am pissed off Ditterich. Not because of the f*** bottle or whatever stinkin' moral dilema you have, but because he wasted F*** good rum on that scumbag! Makes me wanna go and lick the F*** out of the ring!

http://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW/AshleyGrover.jpg vs http://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW/Valentine.jpg

SAW Consolation Prize of Non-Suckitude Epic Tournament Round I:

"Cowgirl" Ashley Grover vs "True Love" Valentine

Ditterich almost has a heart attack as he introduces Valentine, saying he is the legendary God of Love and that the ancestors have truly blessed us to see such an Epic person due combat inside the Mystic Battlefield of the Gods. Cowgirl comes out riding an actual cow. Hustler mentions the cow is called "T*ts". Oh boy.

Grover dominates the early going after pulling Valentine by the wings....yes, he is wearing actual angel wings! Valentine just screams like a girl and demands respect. Did I mentioned Valentine is wearing a freakin' giant diaper? He pulls white powder out of the diaper and throws it on Grover's face, blinding her. He picks up his set of bow and arrows and sticks an arrow on Grover's buttocks. He is looking for someone else to stick with the arrow (as Ditterich mentions that Valentine is trying to find Grover's true love) but he wastes too much time and Grover recovers. She finds Valentine and whips him back into the ring...err...Mystic Battlefield of the Gods. She pulls out a toy six-shooter pistol and shoots Valentine (while making a BANG! sound with her mouth) and Valentine sells it as an actual bullet shot! He falls limp to the floor and Grover covers to get the win!

Winner: "Cowgirl" Ashley Grover (Rating: E-)

Ditterich: "OH MY GODS! She just killed the God of Love! Now my wife won't love me anymore! I am DOOMED!"

Hustler: "Ah, shut your F*** trap Ditterich. Your wife doesnt love you anyway, I mean she said you sucked in the sack! Plus, don't the Gods go back to Olympus and recover or some F*** Sh** like that? F*** man, grow some balls!"

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We are taken to the backstage area were Nina The Psycho Ballerina is dancing....what else? Ballet. Power Girl walks by and Nina "accidentally" kicks her in the face, leading to a brawl. Power Girl summons the "Power Fist" and knocks Nina out. Power Girl had her back turned the entire time, but we can tell her suit is PAINTED ON! Turn around please!

Rating: E

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SAW Consolation Prize of Non-Suckitude Epic Tournament Round I:

"Farmer" Ellie May Walton vs Happy Elwood

Elwood comes out to "Don't worry, be happy" giving high fives and smiling. Crowd instantly hates him. Ellie May comes out wearing overalls and a straw hat. She is also wearing a white bra for those sickos trying to see her side-boob as she has no shirt under the overall. She is also barefoot and has what looks like fake freckles. She mugs the camera and waves, saying "Hi Ma and Pa, am on the TV!". Oh boy....

Match is...well...what match? Happy is too happy to fight and Ellie May has no idea what she is doing. She is too starstruck because she is on TV. The ref tries to get Elwood to fight, but he simply says "Fighting is not happy" and continues to smile and wave. The ref goes over to Ellie May and asks her if she knows what she is doing. Ellie May's answer: "Abraham Lincoln?".

The ref shakes his head and looks like he is about to leave, but Ellie May stops him and asks him if she won Jeopardy! Both "wrestlers" continue to act stupid until the ref seems to get an idea and walks over to Ellie May. He whispers something in her ear and Ellie May yells "Ewwww!" and rushes over to Elwood, beating him all over the ring with slaps and kicks and even bites. She eventually covers him for the win. A furious Ellie May walks away to the back as Happy Elwood gets up smiling and tells the ref "Dude, I just got laid!". Oh boy....

Winner: "Farmer's Daughter" Ellie May Walton (Rating: E)

Ditterich: "Whatever our ref Dewey Libertine said, it sure worked! The Farmer's Daughter has won her first match inside the Mystic Battlefield of the Gods!"

Hustler: "F*** man, that chick is hot! Did you see her side-boob? It was F**** epic man!"

Ditterich: "What are you doing with your hands down your pants Hustler?"

Hustler: "Just shooting blanks Ditterich! Now mind your F***** business!"

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We go backstage as the wrestler known as Ant-Man is tying his boots. A huge man shows up and stares him down:

Huge dude: "Ant-Man....you have a BIG PROBLEM!"

The huge dude proceeds to destroy Ant-Man and then tosses him into a pool of green goo that is clearly labeled as "Toxic Waste". We are then cut away to a shot of red ants walking into the green goo and Ant-Man screaming like crazy, although we don't see what is happening.

Rating: D-

http://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW/IslandBoyApollo.jpg vs http://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW/Jebediah.jpg

SAW Consolation Prize of Non-Suckitude Epic Tournament Round I:

Island Boy Apollo vs "The Amish Assassin" Jebediah

We get some small bios for both men as Ditterich runs them down. Apollo is from Puerto Rico and he somehow got super powers after spending three hours tied to a palm tree under the hot sun while coconuts were being dropped on his head by a hairless monkey. Jebediah is The Amish Assassin, sent to kill everything that is not Amish and he carries an arsenal of high powered weapons like sickles, shovels and even the deadliest of all: an old wooden wheel. Match itself is full of garbage.....err..garbage spots! Jebediah uses whatever "deadly instrument of destruction" he can get his hands on and uses it on Apollo, who just shakes the ropes and acts like crazy. He finally gets "super-heroed up!" and yells "YOU!" while pointing at Jebediah and shaking his head. Apollo unleashes a series of "EPIC punches of supreme power" on Jebediah, but Jebediah no sells and drops Apollo with a huge powerbomb, followed by a big splash (while clutching a wooden wheel) for the win.

Winner: "The Amish Assassin" Jebediah (Rating: F+)

http://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW/BenWilliams_alt5.jpg vs http://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW/CalSanders_alt3.jpg

SAW Consolation Prize of Non-Suckitude Epic Tournament Round I:

The Ben Force vs "The Menace" Cal Sanders

Quick bios again. Sanders is The Menace because h

e is a menace to everything, even to tiny cute little cats. Ben Force claims to be the real FORCE of wrestling and he is a super hero of sorts. Sanders is dressed like a biker. Anyway, poor match.....as is the case with this whole show. Ben climbs the top rope and yells "BUY MY MERCHANDISE" and launches himself....well, actually flops down on some sort of splash, but Sanders moves out of the way. He grabs a steel chain and spins it around nunchuck style, but hits himself in the head! He knocks himself out cold and Force covers for the win!

Winner: The Ben Force (Rating: F+)

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Backstage, we go into a darklit room with purple lights. A sexy heroine woman turns to the camera and yells at the camera-man:

Woman: "Who told you the secret location of the Power Cave?"

The woman turns on the lights and we see it is actually the rest-room. The woman in cuestion is wearing a PAINTED ON SUIT and you can tell she is wearing nothing besides a tiny G-string and the superhero mask. Purple boobs ahoy!

Power Girl: "But since you are here citizen, I might as well send a message to the EVIL FORCES that stand between me and the Intergender Intergalactic Crown of Supreme Power Championship. Forces of Evil, feel ashamed, feel scared and get ready to pay for your evil deeds! Because Power Girl is coming for you! WATCHA GONNA DO EVIL, WHEN POWER GIRL SQUASHES YOU!

It helped that she was cutting the promo while jumping around.

Rating: C

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http://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW/Ekuma.jpg vs http://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW/PowerGirl.jpg vs http://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW/Ant-Man.jpg vs http://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW/GoldenDelicious.jpg vs http://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW/NinaTheBallerina.jpg vs http://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW/TheBigProblem.jpg

Simply Awesome Wrestling Intergender Intergalactic Crown Of Supreme Power Championship: Elimination Clash of Super Powers of Eternal Might

AKUMA vs Power Girl vs Ant-Man vs Golden Delicious vs Nina the Psycho Ballerina vs The Big Problem

Everyone minus Ant-Man comes out. Power Girl and Nina brawl outside for most of the match, resuming the brawl from backstage. The clash of titans in the ring between the HUGE AKUMA and The Big Problem is EPIC....SLOW! They trade power shots like King Kong and Godzilla while yelling really loud. Golden Delicious is just staring at her reflection in a pink mirror and seems oblivious to what is going on. The Big Problem drops AKUMA and runs to the ropes, connecting with a big splash called "The Earthquake", but before he can eliminate AKUMA someone runs inside the ring!

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It is Ant-Man.....really? He lifts The Big Problem and delivers a big bodyslam as Ditterich puts over that Ant-Man really became an Ant-Man style superhero when the red ant DNA mixed with his inside the toxic waste and he can now lift 10x his own weight! Ant-Man eliminates the Big Problem! AKUMA recovers and starts yelling and lifting his arms: FOR THE POWER OF GREYSKULL, I AM AKUMA! He lifts Ant-Man and javelins him aganist the ring post! AKUMA covers and eliminates Ant-Man! Golden Delicious now stars clapping and flirting with AKUMA. Meanwhile, Power Girl eliminates Nina with the POWER FIST! AKUMA is so enamored of Golden's advances, that Power Girl is able to nail him with a POWER FIST from behind and covers for the elimination! We are down to Power Girl and Golden Delicious. Delicious acts all scared of the mighty super-heroine, but before Power Girl can nail the Power Fist, Golden pulls out what looks like a shiny green bra! Power Girl falls to her knees screaming!

Ditterich:OH MY GOD! It is the Kryptonite Bra, the only thing capable of containing the power generating receptacles in Power Girl's chest! Power Girl is down!"

Hustler: "Power generating what? They are called F***** Nipples Ditterich! Grow some F***** balls man!"

Golden wraps the Kryptonite Bra around Power Girl as the male audience starts booing like crazy. A weak Power Girl is covered and pin by Golden Delicious!

Ditterich: "OH MY GOD! Power Girl is down and the self-proclaimed "Evil B*tch" of SAW, Golden Delicious is the new Intergender Intergalactic Crown of Supreme Power Champion!"

Hustler: "Who cares about that Ditterich! That b*tch is hot! I would tap that a** anyday!"

Ditterich: "Get your hands out of your pants Hustler!"

Winner: Golden Delicious (Rating" E+)

Golden Delicious starts to dance seductively in front of her pink mirror while asking her "Mirror, mirror, who is the most beautiful diva in all of SAW?"

The mirror lights up and reveals an evil-looking spirit that answers "You are Golden Delicious".

With this crazyness, the show comes to a close.

Overall Rating: E

Eisen-verse · April 6, 2010

OMG.... Wrestlecrap comes to the Cornellverse!!

Love this! I hope it continues to get crazy as hell. haha. Great work!

TEWFan · April 6, 2010

I was ready to quit after the first show. I felt less a booker and more like an...an enabler? Is that a word? Yes, an enabler. Frank and Hustler came up with the most absurd, insane and offensive ideas someone could create and then I was supposed to turn that crap into a wrestling show. That also meant convincing the talent to go along with whatever crap they came up with. Some guys were loving it. Power Girl was in love with her starring role. After she was kicked out of the BSC promotion she felt like it was the end and she was supposed to go back to the stripper pole. With SAW she got a second chance. She did not mind the nudity and I had to convince Hustler and Frank that she should wear at least a G-string. They wanted the whole thing painted on and I knew that would get us in trouble.

Others like Happy Elwood and The Big Problem were less enthusiastic. Clearly they felt SAW was a way to make a few bucks until they got back to the "Big Leagues". I felt so sorry for them because I knew they already had their chance and blew it. Problem made such a fuss about losing to a girl....the whole thing is intergender and pretty much a psycho comedy show! Of course people know this stuff is not real and it won't hurt him one bit! At least not any more than his weak wrestling skills will hurt him.....BURN! I guess I dislike that piece of lugagge and I was glad to see him leave. Of course, he didn't leave right away, I am just talking about something that happened in the future.

Still, I could not leave. What else would I do? My thoughts at the time were simple: If I could book SAW to some sucess, I would be able to prove my worth as a booker and maybe get the attention of some "bigger" or at least "real" wrestling company down the road.

The day after Simply Awesome we signed a couple of new workers who did not mind the crap they were about to do, including finalizing the details with the guy who played the Evil Spirit in the mirror. Yes, he is going to be back! The booking meeting for the next show went smoothly, or should I say, as smoothly as it could do in a basement full of video game consoles and hentai porn with a sick, fat geek and a chain-smoking, hard-drinking almost incoherent midget clown DJ. Hey, at least this time their ideas did not start with "I saw this thing on Star Trek...."

Still, they both agreed that I NEEDED TO WRESTLE! In their shows! Thankfully, I won't be doing anything offensive. They want me to work like a straight wrestler and just ignore all the gofinees, sort of like the straight man in the comedy show. Of course, we all know how that went......

....or not, since I haven't told you yet!

Simply Awesome Wrestling Presents: Too Awesome For TV!

Last month it was EPIC! This month it is going to be 2X EPIC! People that went to our last show have never, EVER been the same again! You have to be there live to see what all the talk is about! Prepare to be amazed, perplexed, confused and enlightened....all at once!

The Main Event: For the Intergender Intergalactic Crown of Supreme Power!

Mirror in a Corner Match:

Power Girl vs Golden Delicious ©

Semi-Finals of the SAW Consolation Prize of Non-Suckitude Epic Tournament:

"Cowgirl" Ashley Grover vs "The Amish Assassin" Jebediah

"Farmer's Daughter" Ellie May Walton vs The Ben FORCE

Plus, an EPIC DUO Match:

Ant-Man & AKUMA vs The Big Problem & Sid Meier D'Aske

Island Boy Apollo vs "The Menace" Cal Sanders

and much more EPIC AWESOMENESS!

Jingo · April 6, 2010

The Main Event: For the Intergender Intergalactic Crown of Supreme Power!

Mirror in a Corner Match:

Power Girl vs Golden Delicious ©

Semi-Finals of the SAW Consolation Prize of Non-Suckitude Epic Tournament:

"Cowgirl" Ashley Grover vs "The Amish Assassin" Jebediah

"Farmer's Daughter" Ellie May Walton vs The Ben FORCE

Plus, an EPIC DUO Match:

Ant-Man & AKUMA vs The Big Problem & Sid Meier D'Aske

Island Boy Apollo vs "The Menace" Cal Sanders

critical-23 · April 6, 2010

This company is stupid, vile, makes no sense, matches suck eggs. i don't even know why you even bother to friggin' post this crap. . .but i'll vote anyways .

The Main Event: For the Intergender Intergalactic Crown of Supreme Power!

Mirror in a Corner Match:

Power Girl vs Golden Delicious ©

No way the champ loses on the first defense.

Semi-Finals of the SAW Consolation Prize of Non-Suckitude Epic Tournament:

"Cowgirl" Ashley Grover vs "The Amish Assassin" Jebediah

"Farmer's Daughter" Ellie May Walton vs The Ben FORCE

I picked the country girls because I wanna see an all girl final.

Plus, an EPIC DUO Match:

Ant-Man & AKUMA vs The Big Problem & Sid Meier D'Aske

Fan of the Dread Pirate.

Island Boy Apollo vs "The Menace" Cal Sanders

Like that he is a menace so i will go with that.

and much more EPIC AWESOMENESS!

John Lions · April 7, 2010

The Main Event: For the Intergender Intergalactic Crown of Supreme Power!

Mirror in a Corner Match:

Power Girl vs Golden Delicious ©

Semi-Finals of the SAW Consolation Prize of Non-Suckitude Epic Tournament:

"Cowgirl" Ashley Grover vs "The Amish Assassin" Jebediah

"Farmer's Daughter" Ellie May Walton vs The Ben FORCE

Plus, an EPIC DUO Match:

Ant-Man & AKUMA vs The Big Problem & Sid Meier D'Aske

Island Boy Apollo vs "The Menace" Cal Sanders

This is ridiculously awesome

Yuu Onuki · April 7, 2010

The Main Event: For the Intergender Intergalactic Crown of Supreme Power!

Mirror in a Corner Match:

Power Girl vs Golden Delicious ©

Semi-Finals of the SAW Consolation Prize of Non-Suckitude Epic Tournament:

"Cowgirl" Ashley Grover vs "The Amish Assassin" Jebediah

"Farmer's Daughter" Ellie May Walton vs The Ben FORCE

Plus, an EPIC DUO Match:

Ant-Man & AKUMA vs The Big Problem & Sid Meier D'Aske

Island Boy Apollovs "The Menace" Cal Sanders

I have officially decided that my own Dynasty is a failure and will close immediately to make more room for this. Thank you SAW, you've changed my life for the worse and just in the Nick of Time... who of course should be your next signee.

TEWFan · April 7, 2010

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SAW Presents: Too Awesome for TV!

http://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW/DavisDitterich.jpg and http://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW/HustlerD.jpg

Announcers: Davis Ditterich & Hustler D

Attendance: 36 fans

Ditterich: "Welcome to the second ever Simply Awesome Wrestling show, Too Awesome for TV! I am "The Voice of the Gods" Davis Ditterich and with me is the always entertaining "Hellspawn of Bozo" Hustler D!"

Hustler D: "Ah shut your F*** mouth Ditterich! We already have two people set to do battle and you are talking F**** SH*T man. People here wanna see action, entertainment, boobies! F**** man, shut your mouth and grow some F**** balls man!"

http://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW/HappyElwood.jpg vs http://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW/Valentine.jpg

Dark Match: Happy Elwood vs “True Love” Valentine

Well, we decided to have a little match before the main show to “rile up” the crowd. Once again this was a “No Match” and more like a comedy bit. Happy refuses to fight because “those are not happy thoughts” while Valentine refuses to fight “such a happy and loveable individual”. Finally, after what felt like ages, but was barely six minutes, Valentine plucks one of his arrows up Happy’s butt and then drags a girl from the crowd and plucks and arrow up her butt as well. She falls in love with Happy and they make out as Valentine simply rolls a lovestruck Happy Elwood and covers him for the win. The chick from the crowd is actually Amber Allen, who will “debut” at the next show.

Winner: “True Love” Valentine (Rating: E-)

Hustler: "F*** man, did you see how hot that chick was? F*** it, I am having a F**** boner five minutes into the show!"

Ditterich: "Will you get your hands out of your pants? I don't want my jacket to get stained again with one of your misfirings!"

Hustler: "You're just F****** jealous 'cause your wife thinks cigarette burns are F*** sexy"

http://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW/IslandBoyApollo.jpg vs http://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW/CalSanders_alt3.jpg

Island Boy Apollo vs “The Menace” Cal Sanders

Apollo comes out with his new sidekick “Coco Nuts”, a chimpanzee. Another bright idea by Frank. Apollo dominates most of the match, but Sanders makes a comeback after a low blow and some dirty tactics. Perhaps learning from his “chain mishaps” last week, Sanders pulls out a baseball bat this time. However, as he tries to nail Apollo, Apollo moves out of the way and the bat hits the ropes, rebounding and whacking Sanders in the face. Sanders is knocked out and Apollo leads the monkey into the ring. The monkey proceeds to “splash” Sanders from the top rope and Apollo covers for the win.

Winner: Island Boy Apollo (Rating: E-)

Ditterich: "What a big win for the Super-Monkey-Hero from the Caribbean, Island Boy Apollo"

Hustler: "F*** man, that chimp is amazing. I bet your wife likes HIM more in the sack, you F**** loser!"

Ditterich: "What is your obsession with my wife? You banged her once and she was drunk...what does that make you?

Hustler: "A F**** smart man Ditterich! F***** beautiful"

http://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW/EllieMayWalton.jpg vs http://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW/BenWilliams_alt5.jpg

SAW Consolation Prize of Non-Suckitude Epic Tournament Semi-Finals:

“Farmer’s Daughter” Ellie May Walton vs The Ben Force

We get a repeat of last week as Ellie May looks starstruck. The Ben Force refuses to “lower my morals and hit a young lady” and the ref is going nuts because he doesn’t know how to get them to, you know, wrestle. Finally, after four minutes of arguments and Dewey Libertine trying to pull what few hairs he has off his head, The Ben Force gets on the mic:

Force: “Young lady, I will offer you the chance of a lifetime! If you lie down in the middle of the Mystic Battlefield of the Gods and allow me to cover you in victory, I will reward you with the biggest, most spectacular prize of all: A date with a real superhero, The Ben Force! BUY MY MERCHANDISE! UUUUUARRRRGH!”

Ellie May seems happy at the proposal and allows Force to cover her for the win.

Winner: The Ben Force (Rating: F+)

Hustler: "F*** man, that loser Ben is tapping that a** tonight? What the hell am I doing 'ere? Get me a video camera.....F****""

http://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW/AshleyGrover.jpg vs http://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW/Jebediah.jpg

SAW Consolation Prize of Non-Suckitude Epic Tournament Semi-Finals:

“Cowgirl” Ashley Grover vs “The Amish Assassin” Jebediah

Cowgirl comes out riding her cow, “T*ts”. Jebediah seems to have no mercy for ladies or anything not Amish, so he quickly attacks Cowgirl with a leather belt, whipping her around like a dog. The crowd is irate and for the first time, I feel like this is an actual wrestling angle! Cowgirl quickly pulls out her gun, but before she can make the “BANG” sound, Amish kicks it out of her hands and out of the ring. Jebediah quickly slams Grover down and hits a big splash called “Plowing the Fields” by Ditterich and gets the pinfall win. After the bout, Jebediah takes the Cowgirl’s cow, “T*ts” and leaves with her!

Winner: “The Amish Assassin” Jebediah (Rating: E-)

Ditterich: "Oh my God! He is taking the cow! The Amish Assassin just plowed The Cowgirl!"

Hustler: "F*** man, I wish I could plow the cowgirl! And call the cow by her name, she is called T*ts man! Jebediah can F***** say he took Ashley Grover's T*ts!"

http://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW/JackAvatar.jpg vs http://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW/BrendanIdol.jpg

“The Wrestler” Jack Avatar vs “The Uber Teen Idol of the Sexy Voice” Brendan Idol

Of course, my debut match. I came out with a scowl on my face in plain black tights with plain black boots and plain black kneepads, acting like I was disgusted at the whole thing….which in reality I was. Idol came out singing (horribly I might add) and we actually had a couple of local girls swoon and act like they were in love. They even played it as if they were having orgasms simply at hearing him sing. Once Idol got inside the “Mystic Battlefield of the Gods” I proceeded to dismantle him with an array of suplexes and mat wrestling holds. The crowd instantly hates me, although most of the guys are cheering me on for the “uber” ass-kicking I am giving to the girly teen idol. I won by submission after the Career Crippler, essentially a Crippler Crossface that Idol sold beautifully by screaming in a girly, high-pitched voice. The only real “non-wrestlecrap” match and it got a good reaction! Maybe there is time for me to change Frank’s and Hustler’s direction!

Winner: “The Wrestler” Jack Avatar (Rating: C-)

After the bout I proceed to kick the ever living crap out of Idol and toss him violently over the top rope.

Rating: E+

Ditterich: "The Wrestler is one pissed off son of a gun Hustler! He clearly doesnt believe in the law of the ancestors or the power of the Mystic Battlefield of the Gods!"

Hustler: "F****** him man! What the hell is a f**** wrestler anyway? Just a F***** man fighting another F**** man in short tights with oiled up bodies and doing compromising positions! That's not called F**** wrestling, that's called being a F***** F****** gay motherf****. I am not into that sh*t....unless I am really drunk!"

http://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW/EllieMayWalton.jpghttp://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW/BenWilliams_alt5.jpg

We go to a “live camera” that shows Ben Force and Ellie May Walton in their date. They are eating cheap burgers and fries, but Walton is acting like she has never had a burger before. Force gives her some flowers and they kiss. Force stares Ellie May down and yells “Tonight Ellie May, you get to FEEEEEEEEEEEEL THEEEEEEEE FOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRCCCCCCEEEEEEEE!”

Rating: E+

http://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW/Ekuma.jpg and http://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW/Ant-ManAlt2.jpg vs http://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW/TheBigProblem.jpg and http://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW/HughdeAske_alt2.jpg

AKUMA & “The Amazing” Ant-Man vs The Big Problem & “The Legendary PIRATE!” Sid Meier D’Aske

The “hundreds” of fans are still in awe of AKUMA’s size. Too bad the guy can’t wrestle. Oh wait, NO ONE can wrestle! We had the usual “titanic struggle” between AKUMA and The Big Problem, but once again we had Ant-Man slam the The Big Problem down and they had a brawl outside. The Legendary PIRATE! is in no mood to fight, as he is going through his latest treasure which Hustler D points out is a chest containing everything Brendan Idol had on his locker room. It seems D’Aske believes he won it in the fight last week, but even he looks embarrassed to be pulling out a bunch of shiny clothes, hair gel, cheap perfume and a Karaoke Revolution microphone. D’Aske doesn’t even see AKUMA coming, who simply lifts him up, yells “FOR THE POWER OF GREYSKULL, I AM AKUMA!” and javelins him against the post, getting the academic pinfall. No sign of were Ant-Man and The Big Problem went.

Winners: AKUMA & “The Amazing” Ant-Man (Rating: E+)

http://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW/Ant-ManAlt2.jpghttp://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW/TheBigProblem.jpg

Now we go to a backstage camera as The Big Problem and Ant-Man brawl. They reach an area with a giant mount of dirt covered with lollypops, mints, chocolates and a bag of sugar.

Hustler D: “For F*** sakes Ditterich, that is Ant-Man’s lair! A F****** Ant-Colony!”

The Big Problem lifts Ant-Man up and throws him hard against the dirt mound, causing tons of little red ants to scatter. Of course, we only see the ants, so this is clearly ripped off the Discovery Channel. When the camera comes back to reality, Ant-Man is shown impaled head first into the dirt mound as The Big Problem laughs menacingly.

Rating: D

http://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW/PowerGirl.jpg

More backstage shenanigans, this time an interview with Power Girl. Once again, she is displaying her purple-painted boobs prominiently.

Hustler: “F*** man, her “power receptacles” are feeling perky tonight!”

Ditterich: “Get your hands out of your pants Hustler! No more knuckle babies!”

Power Girl: “Last week the forces of evil triumphed over the forces of good, as Golden Delicious discovered my Achilles Heel. They covered my power receptacles with the Kryptonite Bra, the legendary epic item capable of subduing my superhuman strength. However, that is not going to happen tonight.”

She bends over to retrieve something from the floor as Hustler gets in the line of the night: “Achilles Heel? F**** man, more like Achilles Nipples!”.

Power Girl lifts up something that looks like a football player’s under armor, but with two circles cut on it to obviously display Power Girl’s boobs.

Power Girl: “You see this? This is the Legendary Epic Awesome Darksteel Armor of Boobalicious Power +10! This is the only item powerful enough to prevent the effects of the Kryptonite Bra! Tonight Golden Delicious, WATCHA GONNA DO WHEN BOOBIE POWER RUNS WILD ON YOU!”

Oh boy….

Rating: C

http://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW/EllieMayWalton.jpghttp://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW/BenWilliams_alt5.jpg

Even more shenanigans! Once again we go back to The Ben Force and Ellie May’s date as Ben seems to be entering a cheap motel room.

Ellie May: “What we doin’ here Mr. Superhero?”

Ben gently whispers something on Ellie May’s ear.

Ellie May: “Ewwwwwwwwww!”

Ellie May proceeds to beat the ever living crap out of Ben Force and leaves him down and out on top of the bed. She leaves, obviously disgusted.

Rating: F

Ditterich: "Well, it seems Ellie May is not that kind of girl"

Hustler: "F**** man, you saying she is a f*** lesbian? That what you saying?"

Ditterich: "By the Gods no! I am just saying she is not into Ben at all"

Hustler: "Then what the F**** she into man? Horses? Dogs?"

http://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW/SAWChampion.jpg

http://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW/PowerGirl.jpg vs http://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW/GoldenDelicious.jpg

Simply Awesome Wrestling Intergender Intergalactic Crown Of Supreme Power Championship:

Power Girl/ with Legendary Epic Awesome Darksteel Armor of Boobalicious Power +10 vs Golden Delicious/with Evil Mirror and SAWIICOSP Title.

Well, who didn’t see this coming? I mean, what was the point of having an Evil Mirror in a corner match is SOMETHING wasn’t coming out tonight? We placed the mirror in the only area were the fans could not see behind it, but I think they all knew anyway. We had Power Girl dominate Golden Delicious for a few minutes and the fans were eating it with a spoon! Well, they just liked the boobies.

http://i798.photobucket.com/albums/yy270/EWRFan/SAW/EvilSpirit.jpg

Just as Power Girl was getting ready to unleash the might of the POWER FIST, the mirror breaks and the Evil Spirit walks out! He proceeds to unstrap the armor from Power Girl as Golden Delicious retrieves the Kryptonite Bra! Power Girl is powerless and gets covered…1….2….3…..

Golden Delicious retains with the help of the Evil Spirit!

Winner: Golden Delicious (Rating: D)

Golden Delicious and the Evil Spirit proceed to carry the powerless Power Girl out of the ring and everyone wonders where they are taking her!

Rating: C-

Ditterich: "What are they doing What is going to happen to Power Girl?"

Hustler: "I tell you what Ditterich! A motherf**** bondage gang bang! Now I really need that F**** camera"

Ditterich: "Get your hand of your pants! Oh no, not again, not another stain!"

Hustler: "Sorry 'bout that F*****. It just went a little to the left"

Overall Show Rating: D-

TEWFan · April 7, 2010

What can I say about our last show? For once, Brendan Idol is a fairly talented dude and we were able to have a good old-fashioned wrestling match. The whole idea of the "Armor of Boobie Power" came from something called "The Dungeon Master's Guide 3.0" of some weird paper and pencil game that Frank plays. It just served to extend the storyline a bit further and also to debut Evil Spirit. The guy behind the mask loves hardcore stuff, so I am sure we will find a way to get some sick, twisted, violent stuff in the next few shows.

The worst part? I am starting to like this crap. I don't know, after thinking it long and hard and seeing things with an open mind, I think we can find a real niche here. The fans seem to like this stuff and I finally saw one girl in the crowd. I guess it is one of our three new fans. Hopefully she will be back for the next show.

Once again I had the "Prima Donnas" Happy Elwood and The Big Problem complain about their "matches". These guys just don't get the joke and they are wearing my patience thin. One of the reasons the program between Ant-Man and The Big Problem lasted just a few shows was that I could not stand The Big Problem.

Then came the booking meeting for the next show. Amber Allen was set to debut as "my wife", the straight wrestling female. I guess the idea is to make us the bitter pairing that hates everything they see and well....I really don't know were Frank wants to take it from there.

The guy that, for some reason, seems to have the most long term potential is Ben Williams, aka The Ben Force. We have a long story booked for him already and I think he can make it work....as long as matches take less than 4 minutes. I will never understand how the guy that is probably the least talented of the bunch (and that is saying something!) is the one Frank chose to play a pivotal role in the company. But hey, we have a former stripper with a painted on suit and exposed boobs working our main events.

The hardest thing has been preventing Hustler D and Frank from getting more strippers into the show. It seems Power Girl passed along the numbers of every former stripper/BSC "wrestler" that she knows off and has been trying to get them hired by us. I have to admit, with the whole evil spirit thing I almost bit on Carnival Queen Kendra, but thankfully, we found a workaround with a guy that can at least claim to be a real wrestler.

After booking the third show everything was happy thoughts for me.....until Frank finally revealed the big payoff to my "bitter wrestler" angle.

Frank: "So, I saw this movie in which this guy......"

Oh boy...... it is still a few months off and I already hate it!

SAW Presents: Epic Awesomeness of the Gods!

Last month we saw an epic clash and this month will be no different! Prepare to be amazed, perplexed, confused and enlightened....at the same time!

Awesome Duo of Epic Proportions Clash of Supreme Power:

Power Girl & ???? vs "The Uber Bitch" Golden Delicious & The Evil Spirit From The Mirror!

King of the Ant-Hill Match:

"The Amazing" Ant-Man vs The Big Problem

SAW Consolation Prize of Non-Suckitude Epic Tournament Finals:

The Ben Force vs "The Amish Assassin" Jebediah!

Happy Elwood vs "The Menace" Cal Sanders

AKUMA vs "The Legendary PIRATE!" Sid Meier D'Aske

Plus, the EPIC DEBUT:

"The Female Wrestler" Amber Allen vs Nina the Psycho Ballerina

EPIC DUO!

"The Farmer's Daughter" Ellie May Walton & "Cowgirl" Ashley Grover vs "True Love" Valentine & "The Wrestler" Jack Avatar!

Jingo · April 7, 2010

Awesome show.

Awesome Duo of Epic Proportions Clash of Supreme Power:

Power Girl & ???? vs "The Uber Bitch" Golden Delicious & The Evil Spirit From The Mirror!

Hoping Power Girl can finally find a countermeasure to the kryptonite bra.

King of the Ant-Hill Match:

"The Amazing" Ant-Man vs The Big Problem

We know The Big Problem is going ..

SAW Consolation Prize of Non-Suckitude Epic Tournament Finals:

The Ben Force vs "The Amish Assassin" Jebediah!

Ellie May Walton costs Ben Force

Happy Elwood vs "The Menace" Cal Sanders

Menace trumps Happy

AKUMA vs "The Legendary PIRATE!" Sid Meier D'Aske

Via Javelin

Plus, the EPIC DEBUT:

"The Female Wrestler" Amber Allen vs Nina the Psycho Ballerina

EPIC DUO!

"The Farmer's Daughter" Ellie May Walton & "Cowgirl" Ashley Grover vs "True Love" Valentine & "The Wrestler" Jack Avatar!

I see the real wrestlers building up a winning streak for some reason.

TEWFan · April 9, 2010

(OOC: I have been extremely busy writing articles from work, which is why there won't be a show until possibly Monday. I hope I can get something done in the weekend, but that is unlikely. Therfore, I decided to write this little bit to keep you entertained).

Just a few days before our third show, I was told by Frank to read something called "The Smart Mark's Corner", some sort of insider newsletter written by some kid. The thing is that it gets passed around through the internet and people actually download and make copies of it. The reason I was referred to this particular piece was because there was an article about us! Yes, Simply Awesome Wrestling was the victim of the latest "Smark Rant" and it was painted in the negative light that we all expect.

The Smark Rant
By: "The Insider" Mark Smart

Hello there Wrestlemaniacs and I hope you had a great weekend and watched a ton of GOOD wrestling. Unfortunately for me, it was the total opposite! A friend of mine sent me a couple of DVD's from a little South Eastern promotion called Simply Awesome Wrestling, owned by some dude named Frank (who appears to be unregistered, since no one knows his last name and there is no information about him anywhere) and that misfit clown DJ Hustler D, a man who has been part of some of the biggest lawsuits in radio history. Honestly, with a name like Simply Awesome Wrestling, I was eager to see what they brought to the table.

Unfortunately, I was dissapointed as things were not Simple, Awesome or even Wrestling related. First of all, they don't have a ring. They have something called "The Mystic Battlefield of the Gods" and before you think this is one of those weird but cool Puro names, it is not. It is just a ring and they refer to it in that manner for reasons no one can properly understand. Not only that, but they have the most mundane characters: A steroid ridden monster that can't work, The Big Problem or as he is known in the Tri-State Area, the Big Flop, a guy that can't work and can't talk and is possibly the most boring person ever.....Ben Williams, jobber extraordinare, pretending to be a comedy version of Jim Force, A british wrestler called Hugh D'Aske working a Pirate gimmick and using the name of computer game creator Sid Meier and local indy talent Ant-Man dressed as an actual super hero Ant that has his very own ant hill. If this sounds interesting, well, it is not.

Did I mentioned the promotion was integrated? Yes, girls fight guys and vice versa, but it is all so....degrading and unfunny that I don't even know how the hell they got talented indy darlings Jack Avatar and Amber Allen on board. Allen (who debuted by being kissed by USPW cast-off Happy Elwood) is considered by many to be a talented prospect and has been on AAA's radar for years and Avatar is such a natural that TCW and the SWF would kill each other for this guy. But somehow they are both part of this abortion.

Oh and the naked ladies! Yes, we have a former BSC stripper showing her boobs every show and fighting for something called the Simply Awesome Wrestling Intergender Intergalactic Crown Of Supreme Power Championship, their "main" title. I once wrote a piece about how degrading BSC is to the wrestling business, but I have finally found something that makes BSC seem competent by comparision.

Matches are not even matches! We have second rate comedy, invisible guns, guys in giant diapers and a cow named "T*ts". It's like every cheap comedy prop from Saturday Night Live somehow found itself inside a wrestling ring. So far we have nudity, stupidity and cheap comedy....but did I mentioned they have Hustler D on commentary? Yes, the midget clown psycho that should be banned from ever speaking in public is always saying curse words, alluding to masturbation and sex and of course, drinking and smoking while commentating.

I am convinced that the only people that like this crap is prepubescent teenagers looking to see a woman's breast and Star Trek geeks that think this abortion is actually funny.

Simply Awesome Wrestling is a complete abortion, a giant turd that has somehow splattered itself in the face of wrestling, mocking the work done by the real athletes, men like Tommy Cornell and Tadayuki Kikawa, men who deserve to see fans bow to them and kissing their feet. They promote themselves as being "EPIC AWESOME" but in reality, there is one phrase that came to mind after I was done burning those DVD's, hoping to never see this crap ever again:

EPIC FAIL!

After reading that piece and feeling like a total idiot, I did the only sensible thing a man in my position could do.

I called Mark Smart and offered him a job.

Sign In

Simply Awesome Wrestling! Oh boy...

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