Bored Wrestlers Association

[Guest Darin Walker]

My story begins with my head in a trashcan, puking violently. This is not a first for me, but it is the first time alcohol wasn't involved. Well, not entirely. My roommate, Dick was being as helpful as always.

 

"So, you mind telling me what that was?" he asked.

 

My response was to throw up and sob gently.

 

"Because do you know what I saw?" he continued. "I saw the worst hour of wrestling programming ever put on display, in front of half a dozen people."

 

"Seven." I croaked, as my stomach took pity on me and just ached like a thousand knives instead of ejecting the past week's worth of meals.

 

"Of course. Seven people." He paused for a moment, as my opponent from moments ago walked past. He just shook his head and kept walking. Dick resumed. "So what the hell was that all about?"

 

"Two...thousand....dollars." I said, then passed out.

 

It's a First Show

Attendance - 7

Report by Robert Jamison

 

The show opens with Darin Walker stumbling out to the ring. He addresses the crowd for ten minutes, babbling about nothing in particular. He makes some vague mention of fighting Erin O'Grady tonight. (Grade F-)

 

Mr. O'Grady show up, and begins slapping the drunken man in the ring around for a while, before a referee shows up and and actual match starts. (Grade F)

 

Erin O'grady vs. Darin Walker for the BWA Cardboard Championship

 

Then it gets worse. Nearly forty minutes of wrestling by two guys who obviously can't go this long. Darin has obviously never wrestled in his life period, and it just makes the match drag and drag and drag...eventually Erin ends the pain and wins the BWA Cardboard

 

Championship. (Grade F)

 

Thank God that's over. Maybe I can cover some real wrestling next time.

Verdict: F--- That was unspeakably bad.

 

A few hours later...

 

"What do you mean, two thousand dollars?"

 

I lit up a cigarette and smiled weakly. "I work for free, so after Erin and the ref get paid, minus other expenses, I earned two thousand and change from the suckers that sponsered that mess. That's twice as much as I made last month with a real job."

 

"You did all this for some quick cash? Wow, you're dumber than I thought." Dick remarked.

 

"How much cash you walking around with, Dickey?" I asked. He glared. "Look, I've got rent and bils for the next two months out of this. The wrestling gig is like the greatest scam ever. I'm going to get rich working an hour a month. Wait and see, Dick. It only gets better

from here on out."

[Guest Darin Walker]

Mid October, 1989 - BWA Offices in the scenic Setting Sun trailer park.

 

I was sitting on my favorite chair, being stared at by the referee for my debut match, Ron West. He was leaning back on the couch, a notebook on his lap, blank look on his face, twirling a pencil with practiced fluidity in his left hand. He had been that way for nearly five minutes since kicking out of bed with out a word.

 

"Alright, man. What?" I asked. He snorted, then resumed staring. "Seriously, pal. You kicked me out bed for something. Out with it."

 

"Well, I can't help but wonder why my boss has been arranging our next show." he said. "Once a month is about average, and it's been about a month since that last travesty of a show, so I figured I'd come find out. As it turns out, my boss is sleeping off yet another hangover at three in the afternoon. So now I have to wonder, are you even planning on doing another show?"

 

"Sure...I mean...I was..." I started.

 

"Right." he said. "Well, you're going to now, and I'm going to help. I talked to Erin, and despite everything, he's going to come back. I made some calls and rounded up some boys. We could probably throw something together before the month is out..."

 

"Hang on!" I yelled, then winced at the loud noise. "I'm the boss here, and I'm the one who decides who to hire and..."

 

"No you're not." he said. "You're just some stupid drunk kid who thought he had a good scam going. You're definitely not my boss, because I haven't got paid since the last show, and we're working on a handshake deal. So if you want to be the boss, get off your ass and get to work.

 

"Look. I've been in this buisness for 25 years or so. I've seen every cheapskate and hustler try to make a dime off some good guys over the years. You're not that original, kiddo. But hey, you made money. That's better than half the promoters I've worked with. But you're going to help the boys make money too. Because that'll pay off for all of us down the road."

 

"But..."

 

"Or..." he continued right over top of me. "I can tell Erin that you're a scam artist who's screwing him over. Let him set you straight."

 

Silence. Stares. Silence.

 

"So how do we start?" I asked quietly.

 

-------------

 

Bored Wrestlers Association

Based in the Mid-South

Size: Local

Product: Comedic Wrestling

Cash: ~2000

Owner/Booker: Darin Walker

 

-------------

 

"I'm going to wrestle."

 

"But you can't!" Ronnie said. "I mean, you don't even know how to wrestle. You're going to kill somebody in there."

 

"If I had some time and money, maybe I'd hire a trainer or something. But since you've insisted that I'm a full-time promoter now, I can't do that. I'll learn as I go."

 

"Jesus. Alright, alright. Fine. But you stay out of the main event. I can't have you tank the only match that really matters."

 

"Agreed." I said. "What'd you think of those gimmick ideas I gave you?"

 

"I think you're drunk again..." he started to say, when the phone rang. I picked it up.

 

"Yeah?" I said.

 

"um..this is Bob's Auto parts calling for Darin Walker." the guy on the line said.

 

"He's out at the moment, can I take a message?"

 

"Uh...yeah. I was wondering why I'm shelling out sponsership cash for a wrestling show that isn't happening." He sounded a little pissed.

 

"Well, I'll let him know you called. I believe he said the next show is coming soon. We'll be sure to let you know. Toodles." I said, hanging up. Ron stared. "Hey, it's another four grand in the pot." I grinned. He shook his head.

 

-------------

November 1989

Live from the American Legion Post 81

BWA Steak Night!

Attendance: 12

Retro Report by Robert Jamison

 

Davey Finlay comes out wearing a fabulous pink outfit. He discussed how much he's looking forward to rolling around on the ground with Dennis Knight before pinning him to the ground. Lovely. (Grade F+)

 

Dennis Knight vs Davey Finlay

 

Feeling out process is interrupted when Dennis has to stop to check his hair and lotion his skin. Davey watches this quite happily. Dennis is completely outclassed on the ground for a while, then switches to brawling and get beat there too. He squirts some lotion in Davey's eyes when the ref's not looking, and rolls him up for the win. Davey on his back smiling with lotion on his face disturbs me on multiple levels. (Grade E-)

 

Darin Walker, Damien Demento, and Tara come out to talk about the Toothhunters, their opponants tonight. Mostly it's Walker and Tara talking, with Damien screaming randomly. Also, Damien keeps calling Tara 'Mom' for some reason. This place just ain't right. (Grade F+)

 

Darin Walker and Damien Demento (with Tara) vs The Toothhunters

 

Damien opens by manhandling Toothhunter A for a bit, then tags in Walker, who gets manhandled by both Headhunters for a while. No one cares. Walker blows an Irish whip somehow, and the match promptly falls apart. Demento gets back in with the lukewarm tag and cleans house. Walker tries to help and gets flattened, and the Toothhunters drill Demento with a double brainbuster. See what I did there? (Grade F)

 

DJ Peterson and his fine, fine mustache are here to talk about....(Grade E-)

 

...nothing much before Erin O'Grady takes a hockey stick and crosschecks him out of the ring. Beatdown ensues, and Erin rolls him into the ring as the ref calss for the bell. (Grade F)

 

D.J. Peterson vs Erin O'Grady for the BWA Cardboard Championship

 

The dozen at hand wake up for this. Erin doesn't get the quick pin as he hoped, and we have a match. DJ's troubles aren't over yet, as he manages to trip over the bottom rope once he starts to fight back. Erin slaps him around for a while, until DJ reverses a suplex. He goes to follow up, but bumps into the referee, stumbles face first into the turnbuckle, and gets rolled up with a schoolboy to end it. Really? (Grade E)

 

It was good to see some real wrestlers wrestling this time. Some of these guys aren't ready for prime time on the stick, though. DJ showed a little charisma, but the beatdown came before her could get warmed up. Better than the first show, anyway. (Grade E-)