I've never been so happy for an elite fighter to fail a drug test

[abovethesink]

Emmett Jones. I have a whole bunch of mods merged into my default database and I don't know which one he came from (unless maybe he is a bantamweight in the default database I guess), but he is the worst thing to happen to fighting ever.

 

He makes his debut for me in April 2001 against Bonzo Anstruther. He scores five takedowns, lands zero strikes standing, and a grand total of 3 power strikes on the ground. Bonzo does less. 0 for 3 in sweeps. 4 ground jabs. All other metrics are zero. Jones wins 30-27 across the board. Fight is rated Very Poor.

 

It is a new division, Jones has a win, I didn't know what he would become, and he is ranked #1, so next Emmett Jones gets a shot at the inaugural XCC Flyweight championship against Owen Grant in August 2001. Grant one ups Anstruther by landing two punches on the feet. Jones still hasn't landed a standing punching. In fact, he scores 9 takedowns, goes 0-3 for submissions, and never lands a power strike in the entire fight. Grant fails at two sweeps, lands the aforementioned two punches standing, and missing on one sub. Once again the fight is Very Poor as Jones wins the title 50-45 across the board.

 

January 2002, Jones wins again 50-45 across the board over Cyrus Reid. The fight is also Very Poor. The fight is notable because Jones only goes 9 for 11 on takedowns, gets hit by two whole power punches, and is forced to land jabs. He still hasn't landed a power strike on the feet, and this is his second fight in a row where he doesn't land one on the ground either. Doesn't bother to try a sub this time around.

 

In his second defense, September 2002, something weird happens. Jones takes down Aubrey Bassington-Bassington early, like always, and then pulls off a neck crank in 1:12 of the first. The fight is rated Good! Hallelujah! The world is saved! ABB does not register a stat in the fight. Emmett Jones has still not landed a power strike since his debut.

 

Jones' third defense comes in February 03 against a surging Pablo Ramos who I expect to win the title. Ramos is a star in the making a Jones is a one dimensional 35 year old. In some respects, it doesn't go the way the other fights have gone. Jones keeps the fight mostly on the ground still, but it is a struggle and he goes 4 for 12 on takedowns. Enough of the fight is on the feet that two judges even gave Ramos a round! Spectacularly, however, no power strikes were landed by either fighter on the ground or the feet. Again. Fourth fight in a row where Jones hasn't, and third in a row for Jones where no one has at all. Owen Grant landed one in Jones' title win. Jones wins 50-45 and 49-46 on the other two. The fight is rated Awful, somehow his worst one yet.

 

Jones' fourth defense is against Roddy Wickham. 5 of 6 on takedowns. No power strikes from other fighter. No strikes from Wickham at all, actually. Jones manages to steal an armbar in the third round, presumably because Wickham was sleeping. Very Poor.

 

January 2004 now. Jones' fifth defense is against Darcy Spode. 10/10 on takedowns. No power strikes landed by either fighter. Spode lands 11 kicks (jabs) though. First time Jones has been hit by something other than a jab in three years. Jones never tries a submission. 50-45 across the board. The fight is rated Poor, which makes it his second most exciting fight yet.

 

July 2004. Marcelo Valdes. Sixth defense. A miracle. Valdes lands a power punch! It is so exciting, two judges give him a round. Jones is 8 of 13 on takedowns, still doesn't land a power punch, but does bother to try and miss two subs. 50-45 and two 49-46s. The fight is Poor for the second time in a row. He is an action star now!

 

Nope. February 05. Jones is 37. Nothing changes. Against Sammi Roberts he lands 12 takedowns. No one lands a power punch. Jones gives it is all and tries one submission. 50-45 across the board. Very Poor.

 

Emmett Jones has now won nine straight fights. Eight of which were title fights. He is the most dominant fighter on the planet. He is 37 and is not slowing down. He... now has been so terrible, for so long, that he has a blue X next to his name indicating negative momentum.

 

But alas, he fights on.

 

For his eighth defense, he draws Kenjaro Tajiri. 7/13 takedowns. And he absolutely loses his mind. Still doesn't land a power punch, neither does Tajiri, BUT HE LANDS ONE KICK (JAB)! And tries six submissions! None of it matters because the fight is still Very Poor, but look at this guy poor his heart out in there. 50-45 across the board.

 

And then there is no one else.

 

Pablo Ramos draws the first rematch because he has been the star of the division the whole time. Jones laid on him a few years back for an easy 50-45, and it that happens again in the first round. And then Ramos lands a power punch, drops him, and pounds him out at the end of the second. Ding dong, the witch is dead.

 

And then integrity gets the best of me. I give Jones a trilogy fight? Why? Because I am stupid. August 2006. The day joy left the world. Jones must have been pissed that he lost because he landed 5 ground power strikes en route to his Very Poor 50-45 (plus one bizarre 48-47) win in the trilogy fight.

 

Next up on the rematch carousel, the consensus #3 guy in the division, Kentaro Tajiri! Jones opens with a quick takedown, and, ARMBAR!!! Jones loses the title again! No power strikes but it was quick anyway. December 2006.

 

I learn from my mistakes. Now 39, Jones is forced to take a non-title fight. 30-27 across the board over journeyman Jeremiah Holmes. In three rounds, Holmes does not register a stat. Jones does not attempt a submission or land a power strike.

 

But he does test positive for PEDs! It is Christmas in WMMA4! He is out for a year and has to be close to retiring. Let it be so!

[denzil85]

With him doing so many bad fights, I'd be inclined to release him, using the drugs test as an excuse.