NYCW: Traditional Wrestling Like Grandpa Used To Make

[Sons of Kohral]

I sat on the couch and whipped out my Zippo, lighting the cigarette which was hanging out my mouth.

 

"I'm sorry Chris, you can't smoke here."

 

"Chris, be serious for once in your life."

 

I glared at my wife and dropped the cigarette into her cup of coffee.

 

"See! It's things like this!"

 

We were married four months and were already in therapy. I was hoping to last at least a year before I had to shell out money to some guy and listen to my wife bitch about me.

 

"He has no job, no goals and just plods around the house watching sports."

 

"Is this true Chris?"

 

"I don't plod." I said, putting my feet up on the coffee table.

 

"Chris, from what I've heard over the past few weeks, I'd say that you feel like your life is incomplete. Like something is missing. And because you feel that way, you're taking out all your frustrations about life on your lovely wife."

 

Oh, there was nothing lovely about her....

 

"I know a guy," the "doctor" continued. "Who can set you up with a good, steady, white collar job. And I think you should take it. If you do, we can reschedule our weekly meetings for monthly ones instead."

 

"Where do I sign?"

 

------

 

Apparently, the shrink's idea of a "white collar job" was helping run a struggling wrestling promotion with the wrestler's average age being that of a menopausal woman.

 

So when I met "The Stomper", I really wasn't surprised when he seemed like he was going senile. At first he though I was his masseuse and when I finally got him to put his clothes back on he figured I was his landscaper and handed me a rake.

 

"No, I'm not Jose. I'm CHRIS Gonzalez. I'm your new..." I checked the paper. "Booker..."

 

Finally he seemed to understand and led me over to his small library. He said something about alphabetical order and I rechecked the job description.

 

"No, no. It says that I'm here to write the shows, do hiring and firing, stuff like that."

 

"OH! You're the head booker! Well son, why didn't you say so?"

 

I rose my eyebrow and he led me over to his desk and started talking about NYCW. Somehow, the conversation segwayed into a story about a goat. I kind of lost track but since he was laughing every other word, I assume it was quite humorous.

 

When we were finally finished, I asked him to take me to my new office. He led me to the hallway where we got i an elevator we went down to the 2nd floor where we walked up a flight of stairs to the third floor. I waited for him outside the bathroom and the we went back down the elevator to the lobby. He walked out the elevator and the lunged back inside and we went back to the 5th floor where we ended up outside of his office. I rose my eyebrow.

 

"So... where's my office?"

 

"Right there."

 

He pointed to a door right next to his office. I shook my head and walked in. Then I went blind.

 

"Sorry homie. But the Phunkmaster needs to get his green. C'mon ho."

 

Grandmaster Phunk walked out of my office, flanked by two scuzzy looking girls. A few moments later, Roger Dodger walked out buckling his pants. When he passed me, he stopped, gave me a wink and walked out.

 

I dialed the number of the exterminator.

[Sons of Kohral]

It was two days before I finally dared to walk into my office and when I did, it seemed like the whole world was out to get me. Now, I don't know too much about wrestling, but I DO know that it's acted. However, being in this place, you would never guess. It becomes a problem when two old guys who look like my father walk in dressed in the tightest leather pants you've ever seen. After that, I started locking my door.

 

I still had a job to do, and got together a couple of matches for our next event called "Rush Hour". Hopefully, it does better than the movies.

 

RUSH HOUR

 

Steve Flash © vs. Grandmaster Phunk

 

Whistler vs. Black Hat Bailey

 

Honest Frank vs. Triple D

 

Rick Sanders vs. American Machine

 

Land Mass vs. The New York Doll

 

Lee Wright vs. Wiley Steinway

 

The Old School Principals © vs. The Sting

[NoNeck]

Looking forward to seeing a show.

 

Good luck.

 

 

[foolinc]

Always nice to have another NYCW diary going. ^_^

 

 

Steve Flash © vs. Grandmaster Phunk

 

Whistler vs. Black Hat Bailey

 

Honest Frank vs. Triple D

 

Rick Sanders vs. American Machine

 

Land Mass vs. The New York Doll

Lee Wright vs. Wiley Steinway

 

The Old School Principals © vs. The Sting

[Sons of Kohral]

NYCW: Where knowing who exactly is in each tag team is a good idea before double booking them...

 

NYCW Presents...

Rush Hour

 

I never really got a good chance to look at most of the talent. Oh, God, I wish I had.

 

1) Match: The Old School Principals © vs. The Sting

 

The team of Rick Sanders and The Masked Mauler came out to generous heat, but I soon realized that it was all canned and that the crowd was just sitting there. The Sting didn't fare much better as it was just Sammy The Shark throwing packs of playing cards into the crowd, hitting people in the head and Roger Dodger trying to purchase the wives of the fans. It didn't go too well, but I must say that our security is pretty fast, so that was nice. Anyway, the match itself kind of stunk. It was essentially The Masked Mauler doing the same three moves (punch, kick, clothesline, in THAT order) on Roger Dodger who would try unsuccessfully to sell the moves. Finally, Sander's ended it with a figure four and the Old School... people retain. (E+)

 

2) Match: Lee Wright © vs. Wiley Steinway

 

Lee Wright is a strange fellow indeed. The two times I've spoken to him, he's only spoken about a specific clause in his contract that ensures that he gets a free peach before each of his matches. I thought "peach" was a slang term for a womans cheeks, but no, he just wanted a peach. Anyway, he walks out with the title on his shoulder and holds the peach in the air. The crowd cheers. Some sort of Southern rock plays and Wiley Steinway walks out with the tightest leather outfit I've ever seen in my life. I couldn't watch the match because of it, but I hear it wasn't bad. Lee Wright retains. (D)

 

3) Segment: Honest Frank & Land Mass

 

Honest Frank walks out and stops at the top of the ramp. During his speech, he gesticulates a lot, prompting me to keep my cell phone out just in case he strokes out.

 

Frank: I have been around the world searching for the next big thing in wrestling! And I'm proud to say that I've found him! It is my pleasure to give you, Land Mass!

 

Land Mass walks out and the crowd cheers at his... bigness?

 

Frank: Never before seen, and I can guarantee you that Land Mass and I are going to take NYCW by storm. TRUST ME.

 

The crowd pops at the lame catchphrase. I'm confused and a techie my age walks over to me and explains that Land Mass has been on the roster for about two years, but that the attention span of our average fan is about four days. The crowd liked it though... whatever. ©

 

4) Match: Land Mass vs. The New York Doll

 

You ever shake Jell-o on a plate? Yeah, now imagine putting that Jell-o in a wrestling ring. OK, now put a twelve year old kid in the ring. All right, now wait five minutes. Yep, you just saw this match. Michael Bull (our ref) fortunately called a stoppage on this match, sparing everyone from a potential twelve minute match. Yeah... (F+)

 

5) Segment: Marv Earnest & Rick Sanders

 

Marv: Hello, I'm Marv Earnest and I'm here with Rick Sanders who is about to fight in his second match of the night. Rick, I'm sure every one is wondering, why two matches?

 

The camera pans back and Rick Sanders is wearing a tux. OK, he's adding a touch of class to a strange show so far.

 

Sanders: I am the Colonel and the Colonel wants to know, are the fans ready!!!!!!!

 

Marv looks around and the fans erupt into cheers.

 

Sanders: For my eighteen secret herbs and spices to be smeared all across your faces!!!!!!!

 

I ask a techie what he's talking about. No one has an answer. Sanders runs away. (E+)

 

6) Match: Colonel Sanders vs. American Machine

 

And then it all makes sense. Sanders walks down to the ring, still in a tux and holding two buckets of chicken. He reaches the ring places one bucket near a turnbuckle and throws the other bucket into the crowd. Finally, American Machine's music hits and he proceeds to Robot Dance down to the ring. Apparently, people in NYCW take their gimmicks very seriously. The match starts and throughout the whole thing, American Machine is acting as if he's a real robot. It ends when Colonel Sanders shoves a chicken wing into AM's mouth, I guess causing him to shut down. (D-)

 

7) Segment: Honest Frank & Dazzling Dave Diamond

 

Triple D is backstage hitting his hand against guitar strings and crooning the words "Teadrops on my guitar" over and over again. Honest Frank walks in and grabs the guitar and slams it against Land Mass. After failing to break it the first time, Land Mass takes it and takes a bite out of it.

 

3D: Hey! That was mine!

 

Frank: So?

 

3D: You're going to pay for that!

 

Frank: No I'm not.

 

Land Mass takes a string off the guitar and starts flossing with it.

 

3D: Well that wasn't nice!

 

Frank: I know. That's why I did it.

 

3D: You and me, in the ring! Right now!

 

Frank: OK. TRUST ME.

 

Frank and Land Mass leave. The crowd continues to mark out. (D-)

 

8) Match: Honest Frank vs. Dazzling Dave Diamond

 

Apparently, Honest Frank's "theme song" is just him saying the words Trust Me over and over again for about three minutes. Triple D walked down to the ring, sobbing over his bitten into guitar. The match itself wasn't too bad and Frank won after Land Mass shuffled to the ring and flopped onto Triple D. After Frank got the pinfall he grabbed the mic and yelled TRUST ME into it. The crowd marked out... again. (D-)

 

9) Segment: Whistler & Black Hat Bailey

 

A video played hyping up these two wrestlers. It portrayed Whistler waving the American flag in front of a green screen which portrayed different American landmarks and Bailey at a bar, grimmicing and trying to look tough while drinking shots of Baileys. I think it was the best segment so far. (D+)

 

10) Match: Whistler vs. Black Hat Bailey

 

Whistler walked down to the ring waving the flag. He must've pulled a muscle because halfway down the ramp, he started using the flag pole as a crutch. Bailey then came down and climbed into the ring. When he did, he took off his hat, to reveal, yeah, another hat under it. The two brawled it out, throwing the match script out the window and the match became the two of them rolling around the ring. Bailey won after taking off his hat and throwing it at Whistler. Of course, he had a third hat on too. Bailey gets the pinfall. (D+)

 

11) Segment: Grandmaster Phunk

 

Grandmaster Phunk is wearing a bright purple suit and is seen sitting in a white Cadillac convertible with cheetah print interior. He goes on bout money, hos, cars and clothes and then rants about how pimpin' isn't easy. (C-)

 

12) Match: Steve Flash © vs. Grandmaster Phunk

 

Because my extensive research (by which I of course mean ten minutes clicking through Wikipedia) I had seen rave reviews about this man Steve Flash and about how he was one of the best pure wrestlers in the industry. So of course I was extremely frustrated after I saw Flash disco down the ramp to the BeeJees' "Night Fever". It didn't help that a few minutes later, it seemed like the entire NYPD's vice squad had paroled their prisoners for Phunk to use in his "ho train". I actually think there were more "hos" in the "train" than there were fans in the crowd. After the theatrics and after the cops led the hookers out of the arena into the paddy wagons, the match started. The match itself wasn't too long because Phunk started coughing up something brown midway, but it ended when one of the ho's got loose and started stripping in the middle of the ring. Obviously, Michael "No BS" Bull had no choice but to call for the ring bell (double DQ) and smack her in the head with the Empire Championship. Charges are currently pending. ©

 

Show Rating: C-

Show Thoughts: Well, first I need to bail out Mike Bull for the assault charges leveled against him and then I need to have a talk with the locker room.

[Sons of Kohral]

"How much is the bail." I asked. The cop sitting across the desk wrote a figure on a slip of paper and slid it towards me. I looked at it. "Of course..."

 

Bail was $5,000. Of course, we had turned $5,600 profit, so yeah, now we had around $600 dollars to play with. I made sure Michael Bull understood that as I drove him back to the arena where the rest of the locker room was waiting.

 

When I arrived, I gathered the entire roster into one room and stood at the front in silence. I saw a coach once do it in a movie and it seemed really dramatic.

 

After a couple of minutes of dead silence, I pulled out a thick packet of paper and held it up.

 

"Do you guys know what this is?"

 

There was dead silence.

 

"Have you guys even read any of this?" I asked, flipping through the pages. Again, silence.

 

"OK, THIS is what's called a SCRIPT. You memorize the lines on this and then say them when it's your turn. I handed each of you one of these last week. I even highlighted which lines each of you would have to say. Anybody want to explain why NO ONE stuck to the script today?"

 

There was yet again, silence. No one even moved. Well, except Rick Sanders who was busy eating a bucket of popcorn chicken. Triple D rose his hand.

 

"Ummm... I need reimbursement for my guitar..."

 

"Well, you're not getting it from NYCW. Thanks to Mr. Bull over here, we barely made enough to turn a profit, let alone reimburse you for something that wasn't even close to what was on the script. Talk to Frank about it."

 

I looked over to Frank, who smiled.

 

"TRUST ME."

 

"OK, Frank, I don't think anyone has explained this to you, but you can't just say a catchphrase twelve times in a show and expect to get heat. And you definitely can't just say a catchphrase when it makes no sense in the context of what you're saying."

 

"TRUST ME."

 

"Forget it." I kind of gave up hope halfway through that little rant when I saw that American Machine was trying to plug his shoelaces into a wall outlet and that Sammy The Shark was playing Three Card Monty with himself. I excused them. I had to get ready for Bull's trial next week anyway for assault with a deadly weapon and still hadn't had time to find a lawyer.

[Nedew]

I like your sense of humour and writing style. Keep it up