Elite Pro Wrestling: The ***** Also Rises

[Eidenhoek]

Unfortunately, the identity of this faux-Larry Wood has not yet been ascertained. This obviously brings a degree of concern into my mind, yet I feel that the situation need not warrant my abandonment of duties; namely, I have matches to promote.

 

Seeing as the company has yet to find a champion, one to hold the ELITE Pro Hookers and Blow title, another match has been penned for the championship.

 

Bloody Canadian faces off against Dread in what promises to be a hard-hitting match. Concern over interference from the other members of "Bloody World" have been noted by Mr. Sinclair, but as of this writing, no precautionary measures have been taken.

 

Speaking of Mr. Sinclair, it appears that he desires a showcase of our more feminine talent. Gehenna's Felyne, that which we know to be Kate Avatar, Belle Bryden, Joanne Rodriguez, Raven Nightfall, Grace Harper, and Sara Marie York face each other in a match. Mr. Sinclair claims to have developed a match type sufficient to, quote, "titillate their fantasies." I am not sure what that means.

 

Mr. Sinclair does not want any women left wanting, he says, thus he will personally step into the ring against Dharma Gregg and Joanna Silver. I have cautioned Mr. Sinclair on the chance that his pants will be stolen; he assured me that if his pants are to come off, they will come off of his accord.

 

Extreme Climatology, Everest and Giant Redwood, are tasked with defending their titles against Wooton Fitzpaine and Thimbleby Langton. With the implications of The Good Ol' Boys winning, one would not be surprised to find some member of the Crimson Mask Club near ringside.

 

Finally, a six man contest will be held between the other members of Bloody World not already in action. Namely, Bloody Canadian will not have to wrestle twice tonight.

 

More succinctly:

 

Bloody Canadian vs. Dread

 

Gehenna's Felyne vs. Joanne Rodriguez vs. Belle Bryden vs. Grace Harper vs. Sara Marie York vs. Raven Nightfall

 

Big Smack Scott vs. Dharma Gregg vs. Joanna Silver

 

Giant Redwood and Everest vs. Thimbleby Langton and Wooton Fitzpaine

 

Bloody American vs. Bloody Australian vs. Bloody Europe vs. Bloody Mexican vs. Bloody United Kingdom

 

I wish everyone the best in their predictions, and I would also like to note that the show will also feature many interviews. Hopefully some of the mysteries we have found shall be solved.

 

-Webmaster Larry Wood

[Midnightnick]

Bloody Canadian vs. Dread

 

Gehenna's Felyne vs. Joanne Rodriguez vs. Belle Bryden vs. Grace Harper vs. Sara Marie York vs. Raven Nightfall

 

Big Smack Scott vs. Dharma Gregg vs. Joanna Silver

 

Giant Redwood and Everest vs. Thimbleby Langton and Wooton Fitzpaine

 

Bloody American vs. Bloody Australian vs. Bloody Europe vs. Bloody Mexican vs. Bloody United Kingdom

[Blake Trask]

BSS terrifies me.

[Eidenhoek]

A quick update on recent events in the world:

 

1. "Punishment: My 25 Years in Pro Wrestling" is an excellent book. I had purchased a copy from the first print run, but I suppose now is the most appropriate time to comment on its merits. The Idaho Punisher, while not the most beloved of individuals, has had quite a long career and experienced much in his time on the road. His ability with the pen makes his autobiography quite compelling, which is why the first print has sold out. I am fortunate to have previously purchased the novel when it was accessible.

 

2. Today, a week before our show, the wrestling world said goodbye to Rip Chord. Only 60, yet he has contributed an incredbile amount to the establishment of the next generation of wrestlers. I have already noted his past previously, thus I will not restate anything. I wish him well with the rest of his life, and I hope his son will make him proud.

 

-Webmaster Larry Wood

[Eidenhoek]

Again the show has a bit of foreplay, what is certain to be commonplace at ELITE Pro Wrestling events.

 

For the 312 people in attendance, this opening display of bravado will soon become commonplace. Certainly, over half of the fans are repeat customers, so they recognize Big Smack Scott entering the stage, hefting the Ed Henson Memorial Tag Team Tournament Title high.

 

Furthermore, his lack of shirt is not too disconcerting; for the ladies in the audience, he is quite the man. And for the men in the audience, he will kill you.

 

But a tag title cannot be held by one man. Flanked, as usual, by Honey Golightly and Sara Silver, the three people entering the ring make up the champions of the pointless trophy Big Smack Scott holds.

 

Scott grabs a mike.

 

BSS: Now everybody knows that we champs. And everybody wants to know how long it's going to take before Ms. Honey Gotightly and Sara Silver get it on in this ring. So I say, I say why wait, when you got all the goods you need!

 

The next...probably 10 minutes or so consist of Sara Silver and Honey Golightly making out under some mood lighting to rather suggestive music. By "suggestive" I mean "from the latest video that Big Smack Scott has purchased from an adult video store." And by "adult video store" I mean "a place where men shop, because I'm a man, dammit, and why the **** would I be shopping anywhere else?" -quote Big Smack Scott.

 

It's a solid way to open the show. It's also likely a solid way to get something solid in one's pants. And by solid I mean hard. And by something I mean-

 

Big Smack Scott takes the mike, ending the HLA just before it gets boring. As if that ever could happen.

 

BSS: And let me say this: Philly Vibert, Dangerous and ****, I hear something about another of your promotions going down. First it was this Davis thing, that's where you got the Dangerous from. And then now, I don't know, don't know the details, but I heard that you started crying because you lost your papers sorted. So the Big Smack would like to offer you his condolences:

 

A banner unfurls in front of the big screen above the stage:

 

PHILIP JAMES VIBERT LIKES IT IN THE ASS

And then the show begins. That banner remains the whole show.

 

~~~

 

Sgt. Bubba Lee West vs. R.K. Hayes

 

An unannounced match opens the show proper. This leads to some speculation at the announce desk; Honey asssumes that Dread and Bloody Canadian, the main event, cannot go for very long. Sara then replies that she can make you-that is, Honey-go as long as she wants. As Sara starts copping a feel on Honey, Rebecca wonders what "Suh-guh-t" stands for.

 

Richard Klein Hayes-or whatever his name is-makes short work of the Sergeant. It's a nice little match, a decent enough opener, and the Homicide Bomb that puts West away is the exclamation point on an even match.

 

Hayes d. West

 

For the first time backstage, we see Larry Wood. Not the crazed axe-murderer from last month, but the man that is the webmaster of the website on which this stream resides.

 

A door opens on his left as he walks down a hall. He turns, then looks horrified.

 

Larry: No...you! No get away from-

 

He does not get to finish the sentence. A bag is put over his head, choking him out. The camera pans over to reveal Joanna Silver as Wood's captor. He struggles, yet somehow she is able to wrestle him into the door from which she appeared.

 

There are sounds through the door, some banging, some yelps, but after a time, silence. The door opens.

 

Out walks Larry Wood. This man is familiar, this is the crazed beast of old, this is the man with unkempt hair.

 

And no pants.

 

He runs off wildly.

 

After he leaves, Joanna walks out from the room. She carries his pants, smiling. She has also removed her own clothes, standing in the hall with a pirate hat, a bra, and panties. All adorned with a skull and crossbones.

 

Big Smack Scott vs. Dharma Gregg vs. Joanna Silver

 

This is a match. I will say that now, so that I don't have to say it later. This is an official match.

 

Big Smack Scott walks out in a business suit. Standard fare for an actual, official, real wrestling match.

 

Dharma Gregg makes her entrance wearing some short shorts and a tight vest. By short, I mean it's difficult to tell where the ass begins and the shorts end. And by tight, I mean it's difficult to tell how the hell her breasts haven't exploded out of the top.

 

Joanna...enters in her bra and panties.

 

To a real match, mind you.

 

Where the rules are you're eliminated if you're reduced to wearing your underwear.

 

So...when the bell rings, Joanna is immediately eliminated. Big Smack Scott takes the opportunity to smack her ass, to her pleasure. She then leaves the ring.

 

In the first minute, we have the first elimination. It is down to Dharma Gregg and Big Smack Scott.

 

Since this is an entirely serious and competitive match, Scott takes off his shirt. Sure, one step closer to elimination, but it also restricted his movement.

 

Stepping forward to lock up with Gregg, Scott makes a fatal error.

 

Well...error's the wrong word. What's the word for, "misses the opponents hands in a lock-up and totally by accident grabs their ample rack?"

 

The action in the ring, I suppose, is so excellent that words cannot describe it. There we go. So as Big Smack Scott applies the Boobular Claw, he wrenches Dharma's vest off.

 

And her bra. Funny thing, bras; sometimes they don't stay on. And it's rather weird that keeps happening in this company...

 

Dizzied from the submission, Dharma is in no shape to combat Scott's other secret technique-doubling Gregg downward, Scott gets behind her and does a hip check.

 

Well...he uses his hips, yes, though they aren't the part of his body that strikes Dharma. And the fact that she's bent over, hands on the ground, makes her more stable than if she was standing. But, eh, I'm not the wrestler.

 

Scott bashes Gregg's ass a few times, doing obscene leves of damage to the woman. He strips off her shorts just after 6 minutes.

 

Oh, and Dharma was wearing those cap things that cover the nipples, so everything's totally PG. Or something.

 

Big Smack Scott d. Joanna Silver, Dharma Gregg.

 

After the match, Scott exits the ring. This allows Joanna and Dharma the time to bump and grind with each other for about five minutes. It is hot.

 

Extreme Climatology vs. The Good Ol' Boys

 

Finally some real men enter the ring. Sure, Hayes and West are men, but are they THE LARGEST TAG TEAM IN THE WORLD (I think)?

 

That's what I thought.

 

This is a hardcore match, so there's plenty of weapon usage about the ring. Redwood headbutts Langton through a chair, Everest does a powerbomb on Fitzpaine onto the ring steps...stuff like that.

 

The match is fairly open, all things considered. The Boys are against two huge guys, so there's not much they can do to topple them. Chair shots help, pipes help, using the ropes and barricades help. But it's hard to topple the men.

 

Heading into the ninth minute, the Crimson Mask Club make their presense known. Targeting the members of Right to Bleed, Dallas and Dean McWade each take a Boy. Larry Wood, meanwhile, runs down with a two-by-four and lays waste to the other four men. Yeah, having an insane man as an ally isn't always such a great idea.

 

With their opponents down, Redwood makes his Standing Splash count, getting the fall.

 

Extreme Climatology defend against The Good Ol' Boys.

 

Backstage, there's a scuffle. Hayes comes face-to-face with Yasunobu Masuno, and there's a disagreement. It might have to do with the language barrier inhibiting communication.

 

Before anything gets crazy, Sgt. Bubba Lee West, Sayeed Ali, Hannah Potter, Bully Benrubi, Brett Fraser, and Yasuhiko Taira break things up.

 

Eddie Peak enters the ring.

 

Eddie: Big Cat Brandon. You're the head of that "Right to Bleed" stable. At least, you're the big man who actually steps into the ring. I think it's obvious that you and I are going to face off at some point.

 

Peak laughs quietly to himself, perhaps seeing the match forgone.

 

Eddie: What's entirely stupid about our little game is that...Right to Bleed. Your name, your stable, your identity, it all is contradictory. You claim that bleeding is good. Yet you do not wish to bleed. You claim all have a right to bleed, yet you infringe upon those rights! The error of your ways, Brandon, is clear. If you cannot see it...I'm not sure the Crimson Mask I will make you don will help your vision.

 

He drops the mike and leaves. Succinct, yes, but by far the most noticed of anything seen or heard thus far on the show.

 

Bloody American vs. Bloody Australian vs. Bloody Europe vs. Bloody Japan vs. Bloody Mexican vs. Bloody United Kingdom.

 

It's difficult to describe this match. Chaos, chaos would work. But with the weapons, thumbtacks, ladders, light tubes...there's blood. EVERYWHERE. It's brutal. But let us start with the entrances. All follow the same tune:

 

I am Bloody American,

Fight for the rights of that old man,

I am Bloody American,

Fight for his rights, fight for his rights!

 

I am Bloody Australia,

Come from the land of down under,

I am Bloody Australia,

Not New Zealand, Not New Zealand!

 

I am from the Bloody Europe,

Which is imprecise because of,

All of the countries in Europe,

Where am I from, where am I from?

 

I am from the Bloody Japan,

Fight for the rights of robot-man,

I am from the Bloody Japan,

Oh no he's here, it's Godzilla!

 

I am called Bloody Mexican,

Which means I am not from this land,

I am called Bloody Mexican,

Donde esta, Donde esta!

 

I am from United Kingdom,

Which has a history of blood,

I am from United Kingdom,

We have the crown, we have the crown!

 

They might be mocking Sam Strong, but I can't quite tell...

 

Anyway, Bloody Japan gets piledriven off a ladder through a table which has layers of lighttubes on it. That's bad. But the finish?

 

With five men fighting in the ring, Bloody Australian climbs a ladder he has set up on a table in the corner of the ring. He's brought up a barbed wire-covered board, into which he has placed multiple light tubes. He jumps off with a shooting star press, slamming into everyone.

 

As the dust clears, no one stirs. Not for a ten count. Hell, not for a 500 count. Everyone gets stretchered away.

 

The Bloody match is a bloody draw.

 

Big Cat Brandon takes his interview backstage as the ring is cleared.

 

BCB: You want to talk tough, Eddie? Meet me in the ring. I know you're the big tag champ and I just have this little singles title. I get it. And as long as my group doesn't get more titles, you'll be able to lord it over me that your philosophy is better than mine.

 

The Big Cat is not happy.

 

BCB: I have legends on my side, Eddie. Nemesis. Jeff Nova. You realize what they've been through? They're twice the men you'll ever be, Eddie. They've bled more than you, made more people bleed, taken more punishment. And they're on my side. So before you go running your mouth about blood is power or whatever the **** you're saying, how about you think a minute? Realize that killing yourself every night is idiotic.

 

Brandon slams the mike to the ground and storms off.

 

Gehenna's Felyne vs. Belle Bryden vs. Joanne Rodriguez vs. Sara Marie York vs. Raven Nightfall vs. Grace Harper

 

Big Smack Scott is ringside for this match. He distracts everyone involved by lying back and taking pictures of the ladies as they wrestle.

 

That detraction aside, this is a solid match. For half an hour the women wrestle, slowly taking note of patterns, weaknesses, strategies, each attempting to not be eliminated.

 

Sara Marie York gets hit with a superkick from Harper, leading to Gehenna's Felyne nailing a beautiful Death Valley Driver. Joanne comes off the turnbuckles with a moonsault, and that's the first elimination.

 

Five women left, and Big Smack Scott tries to get Sara to strip for him. She's far too tired to hold an animated conversation with him, just trying to wave him off of her.

 

In the ring, Nightfall hits a fisherwoman's suplex on Harper, but only gets two. Bryden is more successful as she hits the Dish of the Day, downing Grace easily and netting the fall.

 

With four women left, Joanne dodges a clothesline from Hellcat and dropkicks Bryden in the jaw. Pleased with herself, she doesn't notice Raven behind her, and the bridged German gets a quick pin.

 

Raven herself does not get to celebrate as a 450 Dive from Hellcat slams her to the ground, and the fourth fall occurs just moments after the third.

 

It's down to two women. Gehenna's Felyne and Belle Bryden. Scott calls for some makeouts. They look at each other, nod, then hit stereo suicide dives on Scott; notably, Belle goes over the middle rope, while Gehenna soars above her, clearing the top easily.

 

A huge pop from the crowd, Belle hi-fives the Felyne before returning to the ring and going back to the wrestling.

 

At thirty minutes, Belle reverses a triangle choke into a Magistral Cradle, and the Felyne cannot kick out.

 

Belle Bryden d. York, Harper, Rodriguez, Nightfall, Felyne.

 

Backstage, Peter Valentine strolls the halls, looking like he owns the joint. In front of him?

 

The finest piece of ass in the world, Emma Chase. She's in a white tank top, midriff bared, and wearing some tight black capris. Drinking from a water fountain, she doesn't notice Valentine walking up behind her. He sniffs her hair.

 

Peter: Gorgeous.

 

Emma turns around quickly, sees Peter way too close, then slaps him across the face. He falls.

 

Emma: The **** man, I'm with Sammy Bach! You want him to break your ****ing back? God, you're like twenty years older than him; if we even did have sex, you'd be out after two seconds. Sammy...****, Sammy goes all night. Get the **** out of here before I ****ing stomp the **** out of your balls.

 

Valentine crawls away. Emma calls someone, probably Bach, on the phone as the camera leaves.

 

Bloody Canadian vs. Dread

 

I am Bloody Canadian,

Fight for the rights of beavers and,

I am Bloody Canadian,

The Maple Leaf, is on my flag!

 

It's nothing like last month's main event. To start, it's much shorter, and both the individuals in the ring have a tough time holding to what ends at twenty minutes.

 

Furthermore, while Canadian is a hardcore beast, he's not the kind of wrestler Remo is. Dread, while good, can't work the ring like Kudo can. So the match suffers.

 

At about 17 minutes, the interference starts:

Every other member of Bloody World attacks Bloody Canadian. While this is legal, it certainly takes him out of the match.

 

Dread, however, is blindsided by Doug and Eddie Peak, the former as yet being unseen on the show. Dread gets duo-powerbombed through a table as Bloody Canadian...there's blood over there, that's all that can be told.

 

Elegance, knowing that this is a title match, lets things continue, hoping that a pin happens soon. When it's clear that neither participant is going to get anywhere close to the other, she calls for the bell, stopping the match.

 

Bloody Canadian drew with Dread; no champion.

 

Backstage after the match, Haruki Kudo is shown-the crowd pops hard. Behind him walks Remo Richardson, who taps him on the shoulder.

 

Remo: Kudo.

 

Haruki: Ah, Remo. To what do I owe this meeting?

 

Remo: I'm going to be honest; I didn't think you could hang with me, definitely not as long as you did.

 

Haruki: I assure you, I respected your abilities and trained so that I could absorb your punishment.

 

Remo: I don't think anyone can take what I got, but giving me a chair shot with your own head? Hell, that takes guts.

 

Haruki: Desperation calls for sacrifice.

 

Remo: I want you to know, while we ain't even, we're cool. I'm going to need to face you again, sometime, because we gotta settle this. But right now? I got no problem with you.

 

Haruki: Nor I with you, Mr. Richardson. I await your challenge and hope that this time there is a decisive ending. I also hope that it will not take as long as last month.

 

The tiniest hint of a smile flitters across Remo's face before he pats the back of Kudo-enough to make the older man take a step forward-and leaves.

 

~~~

 

Post-show, Bloody World continues their brawl backstage. It takes a hell of a long time for officials to break it up, and by that time the rooms they've fought through are painted, fairly literally, in the blood of the seven men.

 

Who else but Big Smack Scott could close the event? It takes him about five minutes to make his way to the ring, what with his posing, slapping the hands of the crowd, pointing at his sign...yeah.

 

BSS: And now, with all the cameras gone, I just got two words for you: up there!

 

PHILIP JAMES VIBERT LIKES IT IN THE ASS

 

~fin~

[Eidenhoek]

First and foremost, I must make my complete and total apology to Phil Vibert known. I do not wish him any ill will, and had I known what sort of mockery was in store for him, I assure you, the readers of this column, the fans of our product, and most importantly, Mr. Vibert himself, that I would have done everything in my poweer to cancel the heinous actions at our most recent show. I hope that he understands that Mr. Sinclair is a bit unsettled at times, and it is quite possible he had another skit planned. Perhaps miscommunication or some last-minute change caused an error, in which case I still apologize, but I find the situation to not be one of fault.

 

Speaking to our fans, it seems as though interest in card prediction has waned. Granted, yes, two units of data are not enough to make a claim about overall interest That noted, however, the one predictor was mildy accurate. It seems they falter when faced with matches containing our women or members of the "Bloody World" stable. Noted; their success slightly outweighed their failure on the card.

 

At long last, the culprit of this faux-Larry Wood has been revealed. I am, indeed, the miscreant, though it is not I who am to blame. Unlike Dr Jekyll, I do not imbibe my ichor willingly nor consciously. The mad doctor behind the madness is Joanna Silver. One might recall she was the only person on the roster, aside from the Larry Wood that I did not believe was myself, that I refused to give due respect. One could claim that her manipulation of me was payback for my inhospitable review. This would be false; she made herself known far before I started the roster analysis to be lascivious in nature and a crude female of no merit. I wrote accordingly. Her actions continue an ever-growing list that, hopefully, will lead to her expulsion from the company.

 

Everest and Giant Redwood made their first title defense, making them the only champions or challengers to have wrestled for all our shows currently. Again, with only two shows partaken, this is hardly an accomplishment; the defense, nonetheless, is to be commended.

 

For our top singles title we have yet to find a worthy wrestler. Rather, emphasis should be on a worthy wrestler-that is, a single individual who can lay sole claim to the title. Another month passes and another match ends in a draw. Though not the magnificent contest of our inaugural event, Dread and Bloody Canadian put on a performance that ought to draw some reverence, if not fear. Belle Bryden outperformed out main event, however, with her victory over five other females. While not a hard-hitting contest as Bloody Canadian and Dread created, her lithe form and solid grasp of all wrestling styles gave her the edge to emerge queen of that contest.

 

I leave with this remark:

While our company yet is still lacking in prestige, our momentum is indicative of a meteoric rise soon in our future. To those who partake of our entertainment, this means growth of a favored company. To our enemies, this means that a powerful foe is just off the horizon.

 

-Webmaster Larry Wood

[Eidenhoek]

I write to you now the last day of February. Much has passed in the wrestling world, yet Mr. Sinclair has indicated I should focus less on the world and more on his ability to undo a woman's bra just by looking at it.

 

As to his claim, I was skeptical. He countered my skepticism with the astute, if inaccurate, observation that my mother was plundered by him last night. Noting the fact that my mother is well into her 60s, Mr. Sinclair informed me that he hits it up whether they-let me quote, as his speech patterns are rather different from mine-"Whether they be old or young, Fat or skinny, I be hitting it up on them *****es."

 

Those that have followed Mr. Sinclair's career will notice a discrepancy in the fact that Mr. Sinclair previously has claimed a great disdain for what he has described as fat women. Rather, he has often equated a woman being what he views as fat with being a male. And, as is quite well-known, Mr. Sinclair does not have relations with men.

 

Upon being notified of this apparent error, Mr. Sinclair showed me a video of his. I decline to describe the video in any detail, but I believe the point Mr. Sinclair was attempting to make was that he has sex with many women.

 

As to some events that have occurred since I last wrote, it appears the most notable is that Jesse Christian has returned from his hiatus to wrestling. I could also expand this conversation to pertain to the contract signings that have been made by other companies, but I feel this information, with due respect, tends toward the disinterest of our readers.

 

I will write again once March is the current month. I wish you all-aside from Joanna Silver-well.

 

-Webmaster Larry Wood

 

P.S.

This is the Big Smack. Let me illumerate you on this here thing: the Big Smack don't do no fat chicks. What he does, is he plows it up. Now a lady don't have to be no stick to get my ****; what I'm saying is, some curves is nice. That ain't no fat. Fat's your mom on a piece of rye bread that ain't nobody going to touch. Out.

 

-The Big Smack

 

P.P.S.

Larry, you a delicious subject and you make me shudder with anticipation at the prospect of meeting you. Don't disappoint, lover.

[Eidenhoek]

At last March has become the present month. With the change in time ELITE Pro Wrestling hearkens to a change of season.

 

The National School of Wrestling has its first graduating class. Mr. Sinclair has shown complete disdain for all of them; I expected him to show at least some interest in War Machine, but such a career is beyond the young man's grasp. I should note a small amount of sadness toward Dwayne Dark, the only member of his class to remain unemployed upon graduation.

 

Many more rookies enter the world this month too; Jared Johnson is the protege of Johnny Bloodstone, himself trained by the Stone Family. Johnson should prove to be a brilliant technician in time, yet those skills are not appreciated here.

 

I mean no disrespect to this company; Jared's talents do not fare well here just as Giant Redwood's do, in fact, fare well. We are a company of specific tastes; few satisfy Mr. Sinclair's cravings.

 

Mr. Sinclair is fuming at our being rated as third in the regional battle for the Southwest this month. He asked me how many titties he has to unveil to get the ****ing people to ****ing realize what the **** he's doing. I replied that some of the women are less than pleased at being forced to disrobe in front of a few hundred people. His response was to order up a contingent of roughly five hundred men--I believe them to be college-going folk--to quite the historic party. I did not attend, so I can do little to confirm nor deny the rumors that the female cast of our roster was, quote, "Bodysurfed. And by 'surfed' I mean 'passed over every guy as they put it in her ass'."

 

Our card shall be made known soon.

 

-Webmaster Larry Wood

[Eidenhoek]

Big Smack here with your hook-up from the neck-up on the low down what's going on. See, heard some rumors we got up here about only having 60k in the bank. I'm talking go up there, find out they got one of them error machines. So it ain't no 5 figures, I'm talking all 6 up in here. That's $570,650. We doing fine.

 

~The Big Smack

 

Ever closer we move to the dawn of our third show. I know that our viewers, the few that pay to see the show live, and those who read the results on this website have waited anxiously for our match card to be revealed. I do that now:

 

Haruki Kudo vs. Eddie Peak (for the ELITE Pro Hookers and Blow Title)

 

Big Cat Brandon vs. Remo Richardson (for the ELITE Pro Hookers; no Blow Title)

 

Joanne Rodriguez vs. Belle Bryden

 

Dread vs. Larry Wood

 

Big Smack Scott/Bloody American vs. Doug Peak/Bloody Canadian

 

Raven Nightfall/Gehenna's Felyne vs. Everest/Giant Redwood (for the ELITE Pro Two Hookers; no Blow Title)

 

Black Magic vs. The Good Ol' Boys vs. The Peak Brothers

 

Note first that the order of presentation bears no causation with the order of matches on the show. Secondly, I give my thoughts on these fights:

 

To the prime championship match, I can only imagine-and barely-the sheer brutality of that event. If Remo Richardson, the young powerhouse, could not decisively end Kudo's spirit, I have doubts anyone can. That stated, Peak is more than willing to introduce far more weapons into a match than Richardson, and I almost fear more for Kudo's life than I do for his prospects at being our champion.

 

To Big Cat Brandon and Remo Richardson, I feel this will be...it would be hard to beat Eddie Peak in terms of bloodshed, particularly due to Brandon's allegiance. However, I have great doubts that either man will exit the ring unscathed after the bell. This will certainly be a match to watch, and it will likely remain one of our greatest contests for months to come.

 

To Ms. Rodriguez and Ms. Bryden I give my apologies. While they are certainly able to fight each other in the ring with the grace and skill befitting a main event slot in any show, I have heard talk from Mr. Sinclair as to how they will be used. Still uncertain, I cannot confirm that our women will be wearing bikinis, nor that some manner of clothing will be stranded from a pole. Further still, I cannot comment as to the rumor that the ring will be surrounded by foam.

 

I face Dread. This is a sentence no man wants to ever speak. With Joanna Silver remaining the crass harlot she is, I have even less a chance at retaining my duties as webmaster than I would in an equal fight.

 

Mr. Sinclair and Bloody American make the odd duo, but so too do Doug Peak and Bloody Canadian. Aside from Mr. Sinclair, I am not sure how any of the men involved will not be hospitalized post-match. Rather, I am uncertain as to how they will not be hospitalized during the match.

 

Another challenge to the secondary tag titles comes in the form of a new team I am told is called "Dames of Hell." They prefer the title, "Dame," given that it is the analogue to a male knight. As usual, I am uncertain as to how they expect to match-or break-the sheer size advantage Extreme Climatology has over the rest of our roster. Furthermore, though their title would imply some sort of dark, perhaps sinister allegiance, I hear rumors that their entrance music implies something more of a lesbian stripper allegiance. This would be tragic.

 

To the triple threat tag match, this is truly the best situation for which one can hope. These represent our three allied factions; the outcome of this bout, perhaps more than any other, will prove which regime is dominant.

 

I await the event with trepidation, for I fear the night is the eve of my death. Let us walk with angels, then.

 

-Webmaster Larry Sexpistol

 

Come on Larry WOOD, can't have you hiding yourself in those pants, can you? Let's take them off and see if you can live up to what your name promises. xoxo

[Eidenhoek]

306 people attend the third iteration of Hookers and Blow. Though the pre-show antics do include Big Smack Scott, he perhaps is a touch displeased with his inauguration.

 

Big Smack Scott, as usual, starts in the ring with a microphone. Before he can speak, though, the music of the one named Dread plays. Making his way to the ring, Dread wastes no time in punching the hell out of EPW's owner, battering him into near unconsciousness before Dread Bombing him into the mat.

 

Dread: Didn't come here to talk. Came to say, Larry, you're going to get hurt, just like everyone else. I'm Dread, and people don't put themselves up to face me. Have fun at the hospital.

 

Dread leaves, giving the Big Smack enough time to recover for...

 

~

 

BIKINIS!

 

Hell yeah.

 

Though unconscious, the Big Smack is able to make his way through the proceedings. After all...it's a bikini contest. Show it off, have a playful pillowfight/lesbian experimentation. Seriously, that's in the bi-laws.

 

In any case...

 

• Joanne Rodriguez: Joanne has problems keeping her bikini on. This is due chiefly to the fact that it is made of licorice. Red Vines. Twizzlers. Whatever the hell they are.
  
• Belle Bryden: It's rather neat to have a fishbowl bra, with little fishies covering up the nipples. Her ass looks nice in the thong as well. "Take a dive" indeed; truer print was never written onto someone's underwear.
  
• Grace Harper: She slinks her way to the ring with little angel wings on and a halo above her head. Not Heather Halo. Though that'd be interesting. Her white bathing suit is nice.
  
• Raven Nightfall: It's an all-black affair here, complete with a hood over her face. It's not quite Vixxen-level gothicy vampiress, but admittedly, Raven has a much finer rack than her.
  
• Gehenna's Felyne: Our own Kate stands alone as one of the poorer bodies in the contest, to be fair. Rather, to be fair her bikini is made of fur. So...yeah, I guess that's a new niche market for EPW merchandise. The porn industry will thank Mr. Sinclair for that.
  
• Dawn the Cheerleader: I'll give you a hint: She's that hot cheerleader from high school except with bigger breasts and a much smaller bikini. Pom poms are nice, though. Woo, party. I'd like to be the base on her pyramid. Or something.
  
• Dharma Gregg: It's rather sad, I suppose, that Dharma is in this contest. Among normal women she'd be a clear knockout; here, she's just mildly appreciated. And that's a shame, because the fact that the woman wore caution tape as her bikini top should be commended. The kevlar vest...thing on her ass? Maybe not so much. The outfit is a bit weird, true, but dammit, if there's one area you don't want to get shot, it'd probably be down there. Or, y'know, the heart.
  

 

There's no clear winner until the Big Smack accidentally eats Joanne's top. Without using his hands. Yeah...

 

~~~

 

Dames of Hell vs. Extreme Climatology

 

As Honey Golightly so expertly describes, this match should be foregone from the outset.

 

That, however, misses one important factor: the Dames of Hell brought in flaming axes.

 

No, I'm completely serious. Axes. ON FIRE.

 

Yeah, it's funny because ha ha Everest is cold and Giant Redwood is a tree.

 

But it's not so funny when AXE TO THE FACE!

 

It's a dominant win for the women, and they hold the titles high as they complete their dark rituals. Sara notes that they are probably wiccan and reading from the kama sutra. No one corrects her.

 

Dames of Hell win the Two Hookers; no Blow titles.

 

Black Magic vs. The Good Ol' Boys vs. The McWade Brothers

 

Wood's pre-show hype set the story for this match fairly well. This is a battle of factions. As appropriate, there's a hell of a lot of interference. Doug Peak targets Black Magic, with Eddie Peak taking the Right to Bleed guys out of the mix. Nemesis and Jeff Nova decide to take on the McWades, and...it...really doesn't end, precisely. No clear winner, no clear falls, and the match is declared a draw due to lack of match cohesion.

 

Black Magic drew with The Good Ol' Boys and The McWade Brothers.

 

Big Smack Scott & Bloody American vs. Doug Peak & Bloody Canadian

 

Was this ever going to end well?

 

All seven of the "Bloodies" get involved, and Doug Peak's more than willing to play along with them. The Big Smack? Eh, not so much.

 

What's interesting is that, somehow, referee Lois Hudson is able to keep pace with the match. Or she's trying to not be accosted by the Big Bad Smack Daddy, who keeps implying that her recent pregnancy has affected her lactation. Ewww, breast milk.

 

Right, the match? It ends with a fall, actually. Yeah, I know. Weird. Hudson counts the pin after American nails Peak with a crowbar as the other Bloody people are trying to shoot each other with a nail gun.

 

Yes, there was one under the ring. No, I have no idea why.

 

Big Smack Scott & Bloody American d. Doug Peak and Bloody Canadian.

 

Joanne Rodriguez vs. Belle Bryden

 

Looking at this match as a women's match, it was fantastic.

 

Hell, it'd probably be match of the night thus far.

 

A few things make that unlikely, however:

 

1. Big Smack Scott is the referee.

 

2. It's a lingerie match.

 

So you have two of the finest (ha) female wrestlers in the world putting on a brilliant display of their skills. And then you have the Big Smack counting each pinfall by spanking the pinned female.

 

And, of course, the fact that the point of the match is on the lingerie, not the moves. So this excellent match goes far too long and people get a bit bored.

 

That, too, is tragic, given that the lingerie is ****ing hot. Rodriguez's outfit is a nearly-see-through pink affair, and Belle Bryden...damn, girl be smoking. Almost literally, given her gray, wispy outfit.

 

It ends in a draw as the Big Smack distracts the ladies by taking off his clothes. Don't worry, he wasn't naked.

 

Leopard print banana hammock? Yes. But not naked. The women get counted out.

 

Joanne Rodriguez drew with Belle Bryden.

 

Dread vs. Larry Wood

 

This is a weapons match without any particular crazy spots. Dread Bomb onto a chair? Yes. Through a table? Yes. Does Larry Wood bleed? Absolutely.

 

It's a lot of damage, yes, but taken separately, nothing out of the ordinary for the match. Both of the veterans do tire near the end, but when Wood gets pinned by a Dread Bomb and his eyes shut...the match might have been less than memorable, but that finish certainly was not.

 

Dread d. Larry Wood.

 

For ten minutes we find Larry Wood unconscious, strapped to a gurney, then ambulanced away from the arena. True, the segment probably dropped the flow of the show quite a bit, but it's clear Larry's not in good shape after his match.

 

Remo Richardson vs. Big Cat Brandon

 

This is a dog collar match between two men who do not back down. To a fault, actually, as the match seems to drift a bit. But the brawling abilities these men show is fantastic, and Richardson actually finds himself receiving a few two counts late in the match. However, Remo is unaligned, and the Big Cat has a few enemies. The McWade Brothers attack Brandon after he hit a hard suplex on Remo, and Brandon was unable to capitalize on his momentum.

 

Ultimately, a Destroyer puts the Big Cat down.

 

Remo d. Big Cat Brandon.

 

Eddie Peak is in the ring before his match.

 

Eddie: Haruki Kudo is an old man. I am not so foolish as to claim he is past his prime, yet I am similarly less than impressed with his performances to date in this promotion. I have won a championship with my brother. In his attempts, Kudo has been unsuccessful with obtaining any gold. I intend to continue that streak for him.

 

Kudo's music hit, interrupting the terrifying man. He smiled, though, perhaps anticipating this conversation. The Japanese legend slowly walked to the ring, pulling forth a microphone as he slowly spake.

 

Kudo: You are a man full of impetuousness. You cannot defeat that which does not desire to be broken. I have nothing of your feuds about blood and anger. I am here to be reason, to be the force that does not break. Let us battle.

 

And so they did, as the story goes. And so they did.

 

Haruki Kudo vs. Eddie Peak

 

First, the detriments. Eddie is, rather interestingly from his previous comments, not the most enduranced of individuals. A 60-minute Ironman seems a bit beyond his usual capacity. Furthermore, it seems the fans want something different from his character. Also, the announcing could not keep up with the majesty of the match.

 

This was a No Disqualification, No Count Out Ironman event. The action stayed in the ring for the first 20 minutes, roughly, with a Peak of Perfection giving Eddie the early lead.

 

Weaponry slowly was involved, first the common chair and kendo stick. But Kudo found his second defeat via a superplex through a table set in the ring, and the legend was down two falls to none with about 10 minutes to spare.

 

Kudo, however, still had spirit. He still had fight.

 

The Kudo Klutch at minute 53? Submission.

 

A Kudo Strike into a cornered table? Pinfall.

 

With everything tied up, the match had a minute left. Who would blink?

 

Peak. Particularly due to the dreaded Asian Mist, of the black variety. A pinfall followed.

 

Kudo is champion.

 

Haruki Kudo won the Hookers and Blow title.

 

~~~

 

The post show was "merely" a celebration by Haruki Kudo. Given his popularity, his charisma, and the sheer fact that three months in this promotion finally has a champion combined to make it quite the gala.

[Eidenhoek]

Let's throw it down now: The Big Smack was just in our fourth best match of all time. And that's with having to carry my lame ass partner through the match. Put me one-on-one out there and you got a guaranteed A* masterpiece. But I don't think I want to spoil our fans just yet. So for now, just be happy you got to see me at all.

 

~The Big Smack

 

I must apologize for any issues in translation here. I only give to you my greatest happiness in now representing the company as champion. Mr. Richardson, your rematch will come soon, but I imagine others would ask of me first. It is true proven that you are the most formidable opponent I could have, and I shall not walk away from challenge.

 

-Haruki Kudo-

 

I understand the sensual appeal of the woman fallen to darkness. The implication is that if she is so easily manipulated on a spiritual plane, then so too can her emotions be altered so as to find the previously-unattractive highly viable as a mate. Then, of course, her body would be the most malleable of her person, and as such desires often become portrayed, this physical readiness is most appreciated.

 

The Raven and the Felyne are not fallen. We were never pure and innocent, nor do we now wish to feast upon what was depraved of us. We do not yearn for pleasures of the flesh, nor will we go beyond the experience that most have had.

 

No, the Dames of Hell are here to end the nonsense that plagues this company. Everest is a joke. Giant Redwood is hardly a man, hardly anything more than a mass of flesh so unmoved in thought as to be nothing more than a facade of an imposing plant. Both were dispatched with he utmost of ease.

 

Where, then, shall we find ourselves? No more will I compete in Scott's glorious contests of his own loined fantasies. No longer shall the Raven be anything less than a goddess among mortals. I am the Hell Cat, and she is the Raven Queen. We walk among death, and we shall bring our covenant upon all who oppose us. Step into the ring and perish. This is not a threat, not even a promise, but a statement of fact, a truth among nature, the law made present.

 

One warning: claws and talons rend flesh such that dying is prolonged and pain enhanced. Cross us and harbor much regret.

 

Hell Cat

 

I applaud, truly, everyone that competed. I applaud everyone that will compete in the future. And, of course, I must give credit to my good, good friends Nemesis and Nova. They are old men still clinging to the fantasy of relevancy.

 

Welcome to the land Peak builds. Not built, not the past tense, but the present. I am building this company into something far greater than either of your great minds has imagined. Blood will flow, and as the rivers turn red, many interesting bits of relaity will mix with my veins. The water, yes, it will not just carry our cells, but money as well. Money, fame, all comes from just a few drops, a few scars, a few cuts and bruises. Is this too much to ask?

 

If it is, then merely leave. That is all I want and all I will ask.

 

-Eddie Peak

 

Larry Wood is out. Not going to take over his webmaster duties, but have to say that the man, insane or not, ot a lot of credit from me for standin to Dread. Dread's the only guy in the company I'd think twice about facing. I'd do it, but hell, I'd have at least paused to think. Larry didn't. Sure, maybe he got what he deserved, then, but that at least gets some respect.

 

-Hayes

 

I did not mean to harm Larry Wood. Not anymore than I try to harm anyone who steps in the ring with me. I made my warning earlier in the night, and I'm damn sure I've made it my whole career: I am named Dread because I will break you. Wrestle at your own risk.

 

Dread

 

There's a rumor going around that "Big Smack Scott" is drugging the women of this promotion. Even if that is false, it seems taht some of us, myself included, are acting quite out of character for what we have recognized as the personalities of each other. Joanne...I might want to say that she's a whore, or a slut, or plenty of other nice words, but the truth is that she's a competitor. I maintain now-as I always will-that I am better than her. But Joanne doesn't walk out naked. Or almost naked, whatever the actual legal definition is.

 

My point in all this is simple: I did not sign onto this company for the "Big Smack" to smack himself to pictures of me.

 

Belle Bryden

 

I'm sure that Wanda-oh, there's no fish anymore? Guess I must have slapped that name out of your head years ago, eh Belle? That's right. I'm nice and pretty until I get angry. Truth be told, maybe it's not all Bryden's fault. Sure, it'd be real cute to have me prance around with my tits popping out for the world to see, I guess. Except even then, Belle, everyone would be looking at me. So you'd still lose out to J-Ro.

 

That's actually why I'm sure it's not her. I'd say she was going along in this charade, why she's walking around in her panties outside the locker room, going into the "Office of the Smack" all the time. But Belle's not someone that sleeps to the top. She might sleep, but she fights. I'm willing to admit she's beaten me quite a few times. I've still got the better record, mind you, but she's a competitor. Not a stripper.

 

As for me? Only reason why I'm not reacting to getting violated every event is that I really, really don't want to give Scott the satisfaction of sending me to jail. I know a dead man can't have feelings, true, but I'd still rather not be behind bars.

 

~J-Ro~

 

Poor Larry. Sweet little Larry. I saw what you did out there, and I know it's a cry for help. I know it's you calling for me, asking me to hold you, caress your body, remove your pants and...

 

...well, let's not spoil the party, shall we? I'll be seeing you, Larry. I'll nurse you back to health. When you get cold, I can be the sheet to your bed. And Larry?

 

I know how to get you hot.

 

XOXOXO

[Eidenhoek]

There is much occurring in the East, as we now face new tours in my homeland that echo in my heart to a time when I was heralded as legend. Masayuki Shiga is a man most revered in the Pride Glory for his consistency in being a man of great talent. They currently wish him to sign again, but unknown currently is his fate.

 

Shuji Inukai, the man of untouchable quality, is their champion once again. The Elite Series is his, and were it not for a partnership injured, I have little reason to believe a tag series would also be in their fate.

 

Noriyori Sanda fell to Inukai, as did Shiga, in his quest for victory of the Series.

 

As for my promotion, the Golden Canvas, they have a few men in a tour for next season. Hell Monkey and Acid are to be joined with manny others in what I hope is great success. As for World Level Wrestling, they have signed Greg Gauge for a tour. He is currently with my promotion, yes, and Europe as well. I wish him great moments.

 

Again, apologies if translation for my words appears to skew my meaning or make structure of sentences awkward for a reader. I feel, in spite of this error, I ought to have made my thoughts known.

 

-Haruki Kudo-

[Eidenhoek]

I have to say that this new promotion has got a lot of nerve bringing me on without letting me even get a sniff of that title. The name Valentine ain't on everyone's mind for no reason, after all.

 

But let's talk about this second place bull**** we got going on here. Second place, second place is nothing unless you're just waiting to lose. And honestly, I got the perfect solution for Big Scott there. Just give me a match against Kudo, let an American hold this American belt, and you can have all the hookers you want, Scott. My treat, even.

 

As to why I'm here, kids, this ain't no Sam Strong masterpiece. Love the guy to death, greatest wrestler there ever was, but I realized that he's getting used by people that don't deserve to wash his boots. Nicky Champion? That guy's a lame has-been that wanted to throw a tomahawk or some stupid ****. And Liberty, Justice, whatever the **** he's calling himself, guy's too old to step in the ring, much less headline events.

 

So while Sam's still the best wrestler, best talker, most popular man you'll ever meet, he's too soft to run a promotion. Me? I'd get rid of **** like Champion and Devine and hell, half his roster. Scott? Sinclair's not too bad, picked up mostly some good folk. Missed my sun, but I guess that's understandable since the guy wears shades indoors.

 

So that's Valentine's word. Get well, Larry. Or don't. No skin off my back either way.

 

-Peter Valentine

[Eidenhoek]

<p><em>A day behind now until the next grand entrance of ELITE Pro Wrestling. A day left until I might find myself in competition. It has been a vast time unconscious where I have found myself, and in finding myself I lack a bit of compulsion to compete. These things happen often after losing consciousness, so I need not overly worry myself as to my emotions. If booked, I shall compete.</em></p><p><em> </em></p><p><em>

As to the guaranteed matches, let the list commence:</em></p><p><em> </em></p><p><em>

Dames of Hell vs. The Good Ol' Boys</em></p><p><em>

The McWade Brothers vs. Extreme Climatology</em></p><p><em>

Remo Richardson vs. Bloody American</em></p><p><em>

Haruki Kudo vs. Bloody Canadian</em></p><p><em> </em></p><p><em>

Admittedly this is a small cast; either Mr. Sinclair expects great lengths in these matches, or we should expect unsaid bevies of talent to be showcased tomorrow.</em></p><p><em> </em></p><p><em>

-Webmaster </em><em><span style="font-family:'Book Antiqua';">Larry Wood</span></em></p>

[Eidenhoek]

Before the show it was noted that Giant Redwood had something of an "attitude," to quote much of the locker room. There was talk of a negative situation occurring if he was not reprimanded in some way.

 

I commend Mr. Sinclair's decision; true, some might have used this as an opportunity to fire Giant Redwood, but a choice of non-action sets a strong precedent that Mr. Sinclair is understanding of the reality, not perception, of this company. If Redwood's attitude spirals out-of-control, I am certain he will be dealt with accordingly.

 

And no, I do not support Redwood's caricature of Mr. Sinclair. I believe our owner is a fine man, hardly the emasculated pansy Redwood is making him out to be.

 

 

 

 

356 people rise from their seats as the show begins.

 

Well, the dark show, rather.

 

Yasunobu Masuno vs. Yasuhiko Taira vs. Dharma Gregg vs. Joanna Silver vs. Sara Marie York vs. Doug Peak

 

It's a nice open affair. A little ditty as a prelude to the show proper. Masuno gets the pin after everyone else is eliminated; notably, no real hijinks to the match. Weird.

 

Yasunobu Masuno wins 6-way Elimination Match.

 

~~~

 

The show opens with Big Cat Brandon attempting to speak, flanked by Nemesis and Jeff Nova. However, Doug Peak is still at ringside from the dark match, and he gets in the ring to interrupt. Before long, the McWade Brothers have come into the ring to even the sides.

 

Eddie Peak, smirking, makes his way to the ring. But before a huge fight breaks out, Big Smack Scott splits the parties and tells them that if a fight's going to happen, there better be lots of ***s involved. No one wants to bother with the owner, so they leave.

 

Peter Valentine vs. Sgt. Bubba Lee West

 

It's a dog collar match. Aside from some people expecting the match to be between women and a hell of a lot more kinky, there's a decent reception to the combatants.

 

Well...

 

People don't have Valentine. No freaking idea why. He gets a dominating victory.

 

Peter Valentine d. Sgt. Bubba Lee West.

 

Larry Wood walks the corridors of the arena, a bit more paranoid than last month. Also, a bit worse for the wear, still. He comes upon the infirmary and walks in.

 

Wood: I just wanted to check that I am capable for actions determined by my employment.

 

Unseen Voice: Certainly. Just remove your pants.

 

Larry turns toward the voice, and can hardly gasp before he is lept upon by Joanna Silver. She is clad in some pirate-themed negligee.

 

Joanna: There you are, lover. Now just let me into your heart...

 

The door is closed as a shocked Larry Wood is accosted; the last thing the camera catches is Joanna slicing off the man's pants with a rapier.

 

The McWade Brothers vs. Extreme Climatology

 

It's a brisk hardcore match that showcases the depths to which the once-dominant non-familial tandem has fallen. Dallas McWade nails Redwood in the head with a chair before the Giant falls to Murder on the Mountain.

 

McWades d. Climatology.

 

Scott: I ain't seen no ***ties yet, so how about we get some dancing?

 

Yes, a bikini contest. As always.

 

Our first entrant is Dharma Gregg. Gone is the odd choice of outfit; instead, she's decided to stick to the good, old-fashioned string bikini. THe only problem with strings is keeping them tied. And...well, that's kind of hard when your breasts are huge.

 

The next couple are, naturally, Sara Silver and Honey Golightly. They are, respectively, wearing silver and golden bathing suits. However, they appear to be more interested in having hot hot makeout action than modelling their bodies.

 

By virture of non-contest, Big Smack Scott declares Gregg the winner. Then undoes her top.

 

R.K. Hayes vs. Bully Benrubi and Brett Fraser

 

From hard ***s to hard hits, this show has got it all.

 

Including a ridiculously bland domination by Hayes.

 

R.K. Hayes d. Benrubi and Fraser.

 

Bloody American, Bloody Australian, and Bloody United Kingdom vs. Bloody Europe, Bloody Japan, and Bloody Mexican

 

It's rare to see a Deathmatch nowadays, particular a 3v3 variety. The entrances are quite exciting, as well, given that the theme music keeps repeating itself with different lyrics for each member of the "stable".

 

Bloody Japan takes a sick dive off a ladder through a thumbtack-laden table that is set on fire. Australian is the one that pushed him, but he is then taken out witha Cutter from the ladder onto a trashcan full of kendo sticks. As Bloody Australian rolls over, there's quite a bit of-well, blood, obviously-splintered wood jamming into his back.

 

With all the roughhousing and rule-bending...well, rules in terms of attempting to win the match...it's little surprise that the referee has to throw the match out. When no one is fighting in the ring because the ring has broken due to the ropes being used in an attempt to launch a ladder like a ballista...yeah, just call it quits.

 

Draw.

 

Sara Marie York vs. Sayeed Ali

 

After the bloodbath previous, a regular weapons match seems fairly tame. York is a brave woman, stepping into the ring with the young man fully knowing that a lead pipe could bash in her skull.

 

Fortunately, a G.B.H. Driver isn't a lead pipe. It still hits like a truck, though, and York is laid out with a cut on her forehead as Ali gets the pin.

 

Sayeed Ali d. Sara Marie York.

 

In the ring is Dread, flanked by "Black Magic".

 

Dread: Some of you don't understand who I am. Dread is not a name. Dread is a being, the personification of the realization that pain is going to get real close, real soon. Now since I couldn't get any volunteers from the roster, the main tag team of "Prominence of Reason" have offered themselves as examples for my destruction.

 

What follows is a curious display. Brutal, yes, as Dread dismantles Masuno and Taira. But oddly captivating, as one realizes this is a unified stable being demolished from within. It does not seem that Dread is intending to break the alliance, but this is surely a test that will either strengthen bonds or break...well, probably Black Magic's bones.

 

10 minutes of mayhem, then Dread speaks again.

 

Dread: Now someone better step in the ring next show before I go picking someone. Understood?

 

He leaves the ring, allowing Black Magic to be attended by the (legitimate) medical staff.

 

Dames of Hell vs. The Good Ol' Boys

 

It appears tonight is a night of squashes. No one had anything close to a reason of being in the ring; Gehenna's Felyne dominated her opponents, and Nightfall hardly had to lift a finger.

 

Dames of Hell d. The Good Ol' Boys.

 

Big Smack Scott vs. Grace Harper

 

This match was a joke.

 

No, seriously. The commentary was making this out to be an epic spectacle. The reality? Big Smack Scott chased Grace Harper around with a rubber chicken. I have a feeling there's a pun somewhere in there, but I can't think of it.

 

Big Smack Scott d. Grace Harper.

 

Belle Bryden is in the ring, wearing a nice white outfit.

 

Belle: You know, I'm tired of everyone just looking at my breasts. I get it, they're amazing, and you want to motorboat the **** out of them-

 

She is then drenched in water by Big Smack Scott, who had yet to leave the ringside area.

 

Funny thing about white shirts. You can see one's bra when they're wet.

 

Curiously, we cannot see Belle's bra...

 

Oh. She's not wearing one.

 

Remo Richardson vs. Bloody American

 

Forget the jokes and odd statements. This is a match.

 

True, Remo's been something of a silent badass for awhile, and maybe that takes something away from the bout. But Bloody American is quite possibly THE best hardcore wrestler in the world. No one finer with a foreign object.

 

This leads to some rather innovative choices of attack. Remo's fine with ploughing through the opposition; American, for this match, seeks to capitalize on Remo's arms and legs.

 

For example, a stop sign can be hit across an opponent's back. Did you know it also serves as a makeshift shield? Wedging a singapore cane between the ropes can back an irish whip into a far more dangerous technique. And putting a ladder into a trashcan, then suplexing Remo onto it? Awesome.

 

As is typical for most Bloody bouts, the rest of the crew get involved. Hell, Remo's Destroyer was more a move of frustration than necessity; American had already been put through a table by the rest of the stable-once for each member-before Remo decided to get the pinfall.

 

Remo d. Bloody American.

 

Eddie Peak strolls into the ring after the match has been cleared. He leans against the ropes.

 

Eddie: You know...there's been a lot of bloodshed on this little episode. I like it. Reminds me of home, where you didn't get something without taking it. Not asking. Never, never asking. And hell, maybe that's why I'm "so messed up." Maybe that's where all this strange behavior comes from. Or, maybe, I've learned to look at the world differently, to realize that I don't have to take anyone's opinion unless I want it. So as for my opinion? This company...fairly good road ahead, I'd say. Plenty of free-flowing cells to my taste, and I've sitting high on the tag championship I hold with my brother. Nothing else needs to be said.

 

Joanne Rodriguez's music then plays. Her entrance video is notably disjointed from her current attitude; it's a solid 2 minutes of close-up ass shots, whereas her current attire is a smart three-piece suit. She looks a bit annoyed, let's say, and gets into the ring. Fairly close to Eddie, too. Chick's got balls.

 

J-Ro: Nothing else, Peak? Why do I sit in the back every night waiting to be put in a match? And why is it that every woman, for some reason, has to prance around wearing nothing? Eddie, are you saying that you want a company that's more a strip club than wrestling?

 

Eddie: That's how you're looking at it. Frankly, don't much care about what you do.

 

J-Ro: So I guess this is where I'm supposed to make you care, right?

 

Eddie: Oh, is it? Be careful; wouldn't want that pretty little face of yours to turn crimson...or would I...

 

Eddie brushes Joanne's cheek with his right hand. She immediately slaps it away. He laughs.

 

Eddie: Ha, you don't quite get me. Few do. But if you're asking for a match...next month. Hell, bring along that on-again-off-again vampire teammate of yours, make it a title shot! So long as you're free to bleed, I'm ready to go.

 

There's an eerie smirk on Eddie's face as he leaves Joanne in the ring. She looks...frustrated, still, but less than before the conversation. Perhaps progress has been made toward whatever she wanted to resolve.

 

Haruki Kudo vs. Bloody Canadian

 

It is rare for a dog collar match to find itself witness to a technician. True, Kudo is not foreign to a brawl, and his strikes sting the Canadian brightly. Kudo also takes his shots, gets choked, has to endure a great level of punishment.

 

But there's a plan, an odd sort of pattern to Haruki Kudo's attack. He's not looking to beat Canadian senseless. Perhaps he has learned, through study of his opponent's previous showcases, that the man's body is hard. But the mind, perhaps, the will...perhaps that can break.

 

To note, a submission victory is considered a breaking of the loser's will, but care must be made to recognize that a submission is a fair bit hardr a victory, typically, than a pin. Knocking a person unconscious cna happen from any stray strike. There is no such thing as a stray submission.

 

After riding Canadian down for a time proceeding into the teens, the Kudo Lock is placed around Bloody Canadian's joints. He struggles, but his arms are weak, his legs unstable, and as the airflow is cut from his brain, he is forced to submit to save his career.

 

Haruki Kudo d. Bloody Canadian to defend the ELITE Pro Hookers and Blow Title.

 

~~~

 

After the shwo closes, Big Smack Scott finds himself in the ring.

 

Scott: Dread, get out here.

 

The call is answered in due time, as the monster is displeased. He would rather have, it seems, prepared to return home. Expectations, however, are not reality.

 

Scott: You think you're tough? I'm the ****ing owner. Let's rumble.

 

And then Big Smack Scott was knocked out. The end.

 

Gehenna's Felyne and Raven Nightfall, the Dames of Hell, give an interview backstage.

 

Felyne: We are the tag team champions. Ignore the Peaks; they will fall in their time.

 

Raven: We are queens. We are the women to bring this company out of the mire into which it has sunk. No longer will I pretend to care about our "owner's" desires.

 

Felyne: Owner. Owner. So, Mr. Sinclair, you choose to own me? I doubt you could tame the fires of hell I call home. I doubt you could even tame the smallest insect.

 

Raven: Scott, stay out of our way. And as we proved tonight, everyone else would find it in their best interest to not cross us.

 

Felyne: Peak, we're coming for you. And we will defeat you. The Dames of Hell do not bleed; the fires have cauterized our wounds.

 

Raven: Night falls; heaven breaks.

 

Felyne: And all shall be rent by the talons of Gehenna.