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CHIKARA: 9000 Leagues Under The Bed (A 9000-verse Diary)

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Using crayons Over 9000-verse data


Welcome to a place so violent, so outlandish! From this point on we're going to be taking a magical journey through a universe so twisted, it was named 9000 times. First up let me introduce you to the core characters that will be the main focus of our journey. Characters so off the wall you'll be asking yourself, "what the hell did I just witness?" Oh sure there will be "guest" appearances from time to time, hell we may even end up welcoming some to the "family" but make no mistake, the CHIKARA-verse (if such a thing exists) revolves around these "people".




So who are the current top dogs in this messed up little experiment-gone-wrong we call a promotion? Well my dear readers, here are the current champions of CHIKARA Republika.




You may leave this journey alive, but I can't promise you're going to leave sane!!!

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<p></p><div style="text-align:center;"><a href="http://smg.photobucket.com/user/Frontiergfx/media/COCOP_zps539d649b.jpg.html" rel="external nofollow"><span>http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v260/Frontiergfx/COCOP_zps539d649b.jpg</span></a><p> </p><p>

<a href="http://smg.photobucket.com/user/Frontiergfx/media/GavinLoudspeaker_zps84316d1f.jpg.html" rel="external nofollow"><span>http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v260/Frontiergfx/GavinLoudspeaker_zps84316d1f.jpg</span></a></p><p>

Hello my name is Gavin Loudspeaker and I'm here with todays edition of Coin Op Co-Op! We have some great news for you. No it's not that Sinbad just won the Puncher of Mountains title in A2M... nor is it that MFC have signed Jack Burton. It's that CHIKARA: Republika are about to hold CHIKARA: Under The Hood in week 3 of December! That's right folks, you heard it here first, and no doubt Jason LeMar and his cronies will report it in 2 weeks on their Zonedwrestle.com site as "Breaking News". So who will be appearing I hear you all ask. Well Mike Quackenbush I guess will be there, seeing as he's the owner and tends not to let me forget about him. Everyone's favourite Colony will be there, as will eveeryone's most hated masked nut job STIGMA. We'll also have the return of Hallowicked & Frightmare! Yes, The Spectral Envoy are back in CHIKARA. We caught up with the duo to see where they had been;</p><p> </p><p>

<a href="http://smg.photobucket.com/user/Frontiergfx/media/Hallowicked_zps0e5d6ba9.jpg.html" rel="external nofollow"><span>http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v260/Frontiergfx/Hallowicked_zps0e5d6ba9.jpg</span></a></p><p>

"Arflar Garrr Hrghhhhh Yaaaaaa!"</p><p> </p><p>

<a href="http://smg.photobucket.com/user/Frontiergfx/media/Frightmare_zpsb43e5454.jpg.html" rel="external nofollow"><span>http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v260/Frontiergfx/Frightmare_zpsb43e5454.jpg</span></a></p><p>

"Agowantaniapolamo!!!!!!"</p><p> </p><p>

Er... well that cleared that up. Now lets run through the card for Under the Hood! If any of our fans would like to make predictions, feel free and we have an amazing prize for the winner... bragging rites and temporary superiority over your CHIKARA peers!</p><p> </p><p>

<span style="text-decoration:underline;">CHIKARA 9000 Championship Match</span></p><p>

Mike Quackenbush vs. UltraMantis Black <strong>©</strong></p><p> </p><p>

<span style="text-decoration:underline;">Campeonatos de Parejas Match</span></p><p>

The Colony A vs. 2.0 <strong>©</strong></p><p> </p><p>

Ophidian vs. Fire Ant</p><p> </p><p>

Spectral Envoy vs. Los Ice Creams</p><p> </p><p>

Dasher Hatfield vs. The Man Monster Hydra</p><p> </p><p>

STIGMA vs. Larry Sweeney vs. Matt Classic</p><p> </p><p>

I was fortunate (or unfortunate depending on how you look at it) to get a word with current CHIKARA 9000 Champion, UltraMantis Black.</p><p> </p><p>

<a href="http://smg.photobucket.com/user/Frontiergfx/media/UltramantisBlackD_zpsc34cd1c5.jpg.html" rel="external nofollow"><span>http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v260/Frontiergfx/UltramantisBlackD_zpsc34cd1c5.jpg</span></a></p><p>

"This Saturday night, Mike Quackenbush has promised a war like no other. He promises to take what has rightfully been mine all along. What this ultra bufoon doesn't realise is that I am the ultra devious, ultra intelligent, UltraMantis Black and there is nothing Mike Quackenbush can do to take my title belt! I've seen many outcomes for you Mike Quackenbush, you leave on a stretcher, you leave of your own free will, you leave in a body bag but you ultimately leave empty handed!"</p><p> </p><p>


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<p><strong>CHIKARA 9000 Championship Match</strong></p><p>

<strong>Mike Quackenbush</strong> vs. UltraMantis Black ©</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Campeonatos de Parejas Match</strong></p><p>

<strong>The Colony A</strong> vs. 2.0 ©</p><p> </p><p>

Ophidian vs. <strong>Fire Ant</strong></p><p>

Spectral Envoy vs. <strong>Los Ice Creams</strong> - *licks lips* Ice cream........</p><p>

Dasher Hatfield vs. <strong>The Man Monster Hydra</strong></p><p>

STIGMA vs. <strong>Larry Sweeney</strong> vs. Matt Classic - My allergist will defeat you all!!!</p>

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<p>CHIKARA has been my favorite promotion for many years I look forward to seeing who the first out of this world guest star will be.</p><p> </p><p>

<span style="text-decoration:underline;">CHIKARA 9000 Championship Match</span></p><p>

Mike Quackenbush vs. <strong>UltraMantis Black ©</strong></p><p>

There is no way The Evil Insectoid Overlord will be defeated by the mere mortal that is Mike Quackenbush!!!</p><p> </p><p>

<span style="text-decoration:underline;">Campeonatos de Parejas Match</span></p><p>

<strong>The Colony A</strong> vs. 2.0 <strong>©</strong></p><p>

The Ants will go marching all over. Although are in my top 5 fav CHIKARA teams they are over ranked by The Colony.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Ophidian</strong> vs. Fire Ant</p><p>

The snake style will prevail</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Spectral Envoy</strong> vs. Los Ice Creams</p><p>

As tasty as they are Los Ice Creams will melt under the pressure.</p><p> </p><p>

Dasher Hatfield vs. <strong>The Man Monster Hydra</strong></p><p>

No amount of PEDs would allow Dasher to defeat The MAn Monster!!!</p><p> </p><p>

STIGMA vs. <strong>Larry Sweeney</strong> vs. Matt Classic</p><p>

He's Sweet and He's Sour!!!!</p>

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CHIKARA 9000 Championship Match

Mike Quackenbush vs. UltraMantis Black ©

Quack ain't got a hope in hell against the greatest insectoid that ever lived.


Campeonatos de Parejas Match

The Colony A vs. 2.0 ©



Ophidian vs. Fire Ant

Oh yessssssssssssssssss massssster, the antsssssssssss will go down.


Spectral Envoy vs. Los Ice Creams

You heard them, they sound ready for a delicious battle.


Dasher Hatfield vs. The Man Monster Hydra



STIGMA vs. Larry Sweeney vs. Matt Classic

He might be sweet and he might be sour but in no way can Sweeney stop STIGMA. He's too Unstable to be stopped.

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<p></p><div style="text-align:center;"><a href="http://smg.photobucket.com/user/Frontiergfx/media/UTH_zps598ce8fc.jpg.html" rel="external nofollow"><span>http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v260/Frontiergfx/UTH_zps598ce8fc.jpg</span></a><p> </p><p>

Gavin Loudspeaker: Welcome ladies and gentleman to CHIKARA: Under The Hood! Before we get underway let me introduce myself. For those who don't know me I am Gavin Loudspeaker and I am not only the voice of CHIKARA, but I am also the neeeeeeeew Director of Fun! Alongside me is my broadcast partner, the "Funkin' DJ" Ivan Barrera!</p><p> </p><p>

Ivan Barrera: Shout out to all you watching at home. I'm excited GL! We gonna get fu....</p><p> </p><p>

[Just then the music of UltraMantis Black hits through the arena as he makes his way out]</p><p> </p><p>

UMB: I am out here to let you all know that tonights main event will be cancelled. I have it on good authority that Mike Quackenbush will not be able to make it to the arena and as such, I think it is only fitting I be declared the winner by "Quackenbush's cowardice". Referee, raise my immortal arm!</p><p> </p><p>

Gavin Loudspeaker: Whoa there! Mike Quackenbush has not given me any notice that he won't be here tonight and as such the match will still go ahead as planned! This is CHIKARA Republika and we don't pussy out of matches! Now leave the ring or I will strip you of the title.</p><p> </p><p>

UMB: This is an outrage! Quackenbush isn't here! He won't be here! You will rue the day you crossed paths with UltraMantis Black mortal!</p><p> </p><p>

[With that UMB leaves the ring area, glancing back at Loudspeaker]</p><p> </p><p>

<a href="http://smg.photobucket.com/user/Frontiergfx/media/CHIKARA9000/LSvMCvS_zps236a3b3d.jpg.html" rel="external nofollow"><span>http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v260/Frontiergfx/CHIKARA9000/LSvMCvS_zps236a3b3d.jpg</span></a></p><p>

- Matt Classic and STIGMA tie up as Larry Sweeney sits in the corner watching</p><p>

- Classic and STIGMA are giving some good back and forth</p><p>

- STIGMA notices Sweeney sat in the corner and runs at him with a knee!</p><p>

- STIGMA begins beating down on Sweeney</p><p>

- Classic from behind drops STIGMA with a reverse DDT for a 2 count</p><p>

- Classic ties STIGMA up in a figure four but Sweeney breaks it</p><p>

- Sweeney and Matt Classic now going back and forth</p><p>

- Sweeney hits the 12 Large Elbow on Classic!</p><p>

- STIGMA breaks up the pin attempt before covering Classic himself!</p><p>

- Sweeney breaks up that pin attempt.</p><p>

- Sweeney gets hit with That Japanese Move!</p><p>

- STIGMA covers but Matt Classic jumps on top of both Sweeney and STIGMA</p><p>

-1...2...3! But who is the winner???</p><p>

The winner of the bout... Matt Classic!</p><p> </p><p>

Gavin Loudspeaker: What the hell? Matt Classic just stole one! STIGMA doesn't look happy - if I were Matt I'd get out of there!</p><p> </p><p>

<a href="http://smg.photobucket.com/user/Frontiergfx/media/CHIKARA9000/DHvH_zpsff3455b7.jpg.html" rel="external nofollow"><span>http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v260/Frontiergfx/CHIKARA9000/DHvH_zpsff3455b7.jpg</span></a></p><p>

- Dasher Hatfield and Hydra hook up</p><p>

- Hatfield gets the upper hand and takes control of the match</p><p>

- Hydra grabs Hatfields mask and tries to pull it off</p><p>

- A warning from the referee to Hydra.</p><p>

- Hydra now with the momentum and match in his favour.</p><p>

- Hatfield with a roll up from nowhere gets a 2 count</p><p>

[A near 8 foot being comes out to the stage flanked by a woman with what appears to be blood around her mouth distracts Hatfield]</p><p>

- Hydra with a roll up of his own</p><p>

- 1...2...3...</p><p>

The winner of the bout... Hydra!</p><p> </p><p>

The woman and giant being come down to the ring. Both Hydra & Dasher Hatfield get destroyed by the near 8 foot monster before the woman begins to talk.</p><p> </p><p>

Rayvin: Mon nom est Rayvin et c'est Tenma. Il est mon propre garde personnelle. Nous sommes ici pour détruire CHIKARA! (my French is rusty so apologies to those who can speak it if I've made a mistake!) [They leave almost as quickly as they arrived - with both Dasher Hatfield and Hydra laying down in the ring unconcious]</p><p> </p><p>

Gavin Loudspeaker: Ivan, can you translate that?</p><p> </p><p>

Ivan Barrera: I speak Spanish you idiot not French.</p><p> </p><p>

Gavin Loudspeaker: I thought foreign was all one language?</p><p> </p><p>

Ivan Barrera: Seriously dude? There is no hope! Lets just get on with the show.</p><p> </p><p>

<a href="http://smg.photobucket.com/user/Frontiergfx/media/CHIKARA9000/FAvO_zpsb42fff75.jpg.html" rel="external nofollow"><span>http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v260/Frontiergfx/CHIKARA9000/FAvO_zpsb42fff75.jpg</span></a></p><p>

- Fire Ant begins the match strong with the crowd firmly behind him.</p><p>

- He hits a DDT and gets a 2 count</p><p>

- Ophidian with a low blow! The referee is about to call for the bell but Ophidian hypnotizes him!</p><p>

- Ophidian now in control of the match</p><p>

- He hits a flying bodty press which Fire Ant rolls through with a pin attempt but the referee doesn't count!</p><p>

- Fire Ant gets up and tries talking to the referee but he looks in a trance</p><p>

- Ophidian from behind with a bulldog</p><p>

- Ophidian is really beating down on Fire Ant</p><p>

- Fire Ant attempts to fight back but Ophidian rolls to the outside</p><p>

- He grabs a chair from ringside!</p><p>

- Fire Ant ducks a chair shot attempt and hits a dropkick</p><p>

- Fire Ant with Beach Break!</p><p>

- The referee still standing in a trance!</p><p>

- Fire Ant shows his frustration as he shoves the prone referee but he doesn't move!</p><p>

- Ophidian with a chair shot from behind! He clicks his fingers and makes the cover</p><p>

- 1...2...3...</p><p>

The winner of the bout... Ophidian!</p><p> </p><p>

Ivan Barrera: Oh hell no! That was a complete farce!</p><p> </p><p>

Gavin Loudspeaker: I am not happy with that! I've a good mind to go up there and overturn that decision.</p><p> </p><p>

Ivan Barrera: Then why don't you? You're in charge around here aren't you?</p><p> </p><p>

Gavin Loudspeaker: Yes I am, but I'm not Jack Tunney or Gorilla Monsoon so I'm not going to start reversing decisions.</p><p> </p><p>

<a href="http://smg.photobucket.com/user/Frontiergfx/media/CHIKARA9000/Colv20_zps28172f1e.jpg.html" rel="external nofollow"><span>http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v260/Frontiergfx/CHIKARA9000/Colv20_zps28172f1e.jpg</span></a></p><p>

- Soldier Ant & Shane Matthews start the match</p><p>

- Matthews and Jagged cutting off the ring nicely and taking apart Soldier Ant</p><p>

- Frequent tags from 2.0 are really working to their advantage</p><p>

- Soldier Ant mounts a fight back against Jagged but Matthews comes in and hits him from behind</p><p>

- The referee is telling Green Ant to remain on the apron</p><p>

- Matthews now in control of Soldier Ant</p><p>

- Clothesline from nowhere by Soldier Ant!</p><p>

- Both men crawling to their partners</p><p>

- Double Tag! Green Ant comes in fired up!</p><p>

- He knocks Matthews and Jagged on their asses!</p><p>

- The Colony have taken control of the match</p><p>

- Green Ant in charge. Tags back in Soldier Ant</p><p>

- Now it's Matthews who can't make a tag</p><p>

- Pin attempt is broken up by Jagged - which prompts Green Ant to knock him out of the ring</p><p>

- Soldier Ant locks in the CHIKARA Special.... Matthews taps!!</p><p>

The winers of the bout and NEEEEEW Campeonatos de Parejas, The Colony!</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

[A strange video is shown on the monitor which ends with...]</p><p>

<a href="http://smg.photobucket.com/user/Frontiergfx/media/CHIKARA9000/Soon_zps0c8d317b.jpg.html" rel="external nofollow"><span>http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v260/Frontiergfx/CHIKARA9000/Soon_zps0c8d317b.jpg</span></a></p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

<a href="http://smg.photobucket.com/user/Frontiergfx/media/CHIKARA9000/SEvLI_zpsa57d4f09.jpg.html" rel="external nofollow"><span>http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v260/Frontiergfx/CHIKARA9000/SEvLI_zpsa57d4f09.jpg</span></a></p><p>

- Hallowicked and El Hijo start the match off</p><p>

- Hallowicked looks like he tried to lick Hijo del Ice Cream!</p><p>

- Hijo del Ice Cream tags in Ice Cream Jr.</p><p>

- Hallowicked tags in Frightmare</p><p>

- Now the match starts as Frightmare takes the upper hand</p><p>

- Ice Cream Jr. manages a blind tag to Hijo who attacks Frightmare from behind</p><p>

- Hijo now in control</p><p>

- Quick tags by Los Ice Creams</p><p>

- Frightmare manages to get a tag to Hallowicked</p><p>

- Hallowicked and Ice Cream Jr. lock up</p><p>

- Hallowicked in firm control</p><p>

- Hijo attempts to interupt a pinfall but drops an elbow on his own partner by accident!</p><p>

- Frightmare comes in and hits Hijo with the Graveyard Smash</p><p>

- Hallowicked follows it up with the Moonsault knee drop!</p><p>

- 1...2...3...</p><p>

The winners of the match... Hallowicked & Frightmare, The Spectral Envoy!</p><p> </p><p>

Gavin Loudspeaker: We're getting word that Mike Quackenbush has finally arrived to the arena! It looks like the main event is on folks!</p><p> </p><p>

Ivan Barrera: Talk about cutting it fine! His match is next!</p><p> </p><p>

[Quackenbush's music plays as he comes out to cheers from the crowd. He gets half way down to the ring when 2 hooded figures jump the barriers and assault him! They continue the beatdown as UltraMantis Black makes his way to the ring.]</p><p> </p><p>

<a href="http://smg.photobucket.com/user/Frontiergfx/media/CHIKARA9000/UMBvQUAKENBUSH_zpsf47c49ff.jpg.html" rel="external nofollow"><span>http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v260/Frontiergfx/CHIKARA9000/UMBvQUAKENBUSH_zpsf47c49ff.jpg</span></a></p><p>

- UMB tells the referee to ring the bell.</p><p>

- UMB covers Mike Quackenbush... 1...2...</p><p>

- Quackenbush kicks out! The 2 hooded men at ringside jump up and down in frustration.</p><p>

- UMB begins the assault on Quackenbush</p><p>

- He throws him to the outside and then distracts the referee as his goons assault Quackenbush on the outside</p><p>

- Quackenbush gets a second wind and begins fighting back against both men! </p><p>

- He rips the hoods off to reveal The Shard & Quackenbush's former friend, Jigsaw!</p><p>

- As he realises who it is, UMB nails him from behind with a forearm</p><p>

- He rolls Quackenbush back into the ring and gets a 2 count</p><p>

- UMB begins to show his frustration and goes to the top rope...</p><p>

- ...Quackenbush knocks the ropes sending UMB crotch first into the corner</p><p>

- Quackenbush takes control of the match and gets a 2 count following a DDT</p><p>

- Quackenbush using the crowds cheers to drive him on, begins to beatdown on UMB</p><p>

- Jigsaw jumps onto the apron and is promptly knocked off to the crowds delight</p><p>

- Quackenbush locks in the CHIKARA Special! No Rudo has ever escaped this!</p><p>

- The Shard is on the apron now distracting the referee as Jigsaw enters from the other side.</p><p>

- Quackenbush breaks the hold and nails Jigsaw with a clothesline!</p><p>

- He turns his focus back but UMB hits him with Cosmic Doom!</p><p>

- 1...2...3! UMB retains!</p><p>

The winner of the bout and still CHIKARA 9000 Champion, UltraMantis Black!</p><p> </p><p>

Following the match UMB asks for a microphone.</p><p> </p><p>

UMB: You are looking at the new Order of the Neo–Solar Temple! Mike Quackenbush I told you of the 3 possible outcomes to this match, but you didn't heed my warning. The Ultra Devious, Ultra Dastardly, UltraMantis Black reigns supreme!</p></div><p></p><p></p>

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Welcome to another edition of the Coin-Op Co-Op. I'm your host as always, "The Director of Fun" Gavin Loudspeaker. Before I get into my run down and analysis of Under the Hood, I'd like to take this moment to say that we have partnered up with Loco Libre de Mexico this past week and will be looking at talent sharing somewhere down the line. This is great news for CHIKARA Republika as we can bring you the fans a more diverse product.


Now onto Under the Hood. Critics have scored the event (as they do in the 9000-verse) with a respectable grade of D which raised awareness, gaining us momentum, plus we sold all 300 tickets. I do however have a few issues with some individuals, such as Ophidian. Ophidian I am going to say this right now, if you ever hypnotise a CHIKARA official the way you did at under the Hood, you will be gone. I am not going to put up with that sort of mental abuse of our officials. Equitativo Mascara is still not completely right after your blatant mind rape! Next up, UltraMantis Black proved only one thing and that was, he cannot beat Mike Quackenbush one-on-one. It took 3 men to deny him the CHIKARA 9000 Championship so I have decided that at The Thirteenth Hat in January, Mike Quackenbush will get a rematch against UltraMantis Black in a Steel Cage match! If you think your new Order of the Neo–Solar Temple with a side helping of fries is going to run through CHIKARA without consequence then I am afraid you are sadly mistaken. And talking of The Thirteenth Hat, here are the matches for our event in 3 weeks time;


CHIKARA 9000 Championship Steel Cage Match

Mike Quackenbush vs. UltraMantis Black ©


Campeonatos de Parejas Match

The Colony A vs. Dead Mascara & Tirador


Larry Sweeney vs. Hydra


Ophidian vs. Matt Classic


Spectral Envoy vs. Pieces of Hate


Super Smash Bros vs. 2.0


Now back to Under the Hood. We saw an extremely unsettling event happen when a young lady who we now know to be called Rayvin unleashed a near 8 foot monster on Dasher Hatfield and Hydra. She then proceeded to threaten the destruction of CHIKARA - but that wasn't what irked me, she didn't have the decency to do it in English or Spanish! If you are going to make threats, at least have the common decency to do it in one of the aggrieved's native tongue.


The "Coming Soon" montage is causing some intrigue behind the scenes in CHIKARA. We, like you, are speculating as to what this could be. My guess? I think it's obviously going to be the debut of Boogerman! The office... sorry Den of Fun however disagrees with me. I tried to get an interview with the guy to confirm but apparently he doesn't exist in the 9000-verse... yet. Well I leave you with an interview that I did actually get, that is with the Super Smash Brothers.



Player Uno: In 3 weeks we get to step in the ring with 2.0, former tag team champions in a number one contenders match for the Campeonatos de Parejas. Now it's no secret we've had our differences in the past, but being the positive 8 bit heroes that we are, both myself and Player Dos have come up with 5 things that we LIKE about Shane Matthews & Jagged.


Player Dos: [coughs] Cinq: We like your green headbands. Quatre: We like your blue headbands. Trois: We like your purple headbands. Deux: We like your wrestling boots. Un: We like how Miley Cyrus is your favourite singer... she's ours too!


Player Uno: Now that the pleasantries are over, come The Thirteenth Hat we are going to stomp you like Mario on a Goomba and become the new number one contenders......


Player Dos: ...Pour les Étiquetez des Championats d'Équipe!


Player Uno: Er... he means Campeonatos de Parejas.



CHIKARA Prediction Table

rvdjrv2002 - 5/6

MichiganHero - 4/6

DanMTheMan - 2/6

Smasher1311 - 2/6

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CHIKARA 9000 Championship Steel Cage Match

Mike Quakenbush vs. UltraMantis Black ©


Campeonatos de Parejas Match

The Colony A vs. Dead Mascara & Tirador


Larry Sweeney vs. Hydra


Ophidian vs. Matt Classic


Spectral Envoy vs. Pieces of Hate


Super Smash Bros vs. 2.0

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Time for my limited knowledge of CHIKARA to finally be put to use


CHIKARA 9000 Championship Steel Cage Match

Mike Quackenbush vs. UltraMantis Black ©

I've never liked Quackbenbush. UMB ALL DAY


Campeonatos de Parejas Match

The Colony A vs. Dead Mascara & Tirador

I had to Google the second team, so, go Ants


Larry Sweeney vs. Hydra

I wanna give SWEEET AND SOUAH the win, but Hydra is a giant water dragon


Ophidian vs. Matt Classic

Unless it's the Charleston, Classic won't be gettin' funky tonight


Spectral Envoy vs. Pieces of Hate

Love me them Frightmare/Hallowicked


Super Smash Bros vs. 2.0

Love what I've seen from these guys in PWG and CHIKARA

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<p>My body's ready for this!</p><p> </p><p>

CHIKARA 9000 Championship Steel Cage Match</p><p>

Mike Quackenbush vs. <strong>UltraMantis Black ©</strong></p><p> </p><p>

Campeonatos de Parejas Match</p><p>

<strong>The Colony A</strong> vs. Dead Mascara & Tirador</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Larry Sweeney</strong> vs. Hydra</p><p>

Ophidian vs. <strong>Matt Classic</strong></p><p>

Spectral Envoy vs. <strong>Pieces of Hate</strong></p><p>

Super Smash Bros vs. <strong>2.0</strong></p><p> </p><p>


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<p>CHIKARA 9000 Championship Steel Cage Match</p><p>

Mike Quackenbush vs. <strong>UltraMantis Black ©</strong></p><p> </p><p>

Campeonatos de Parejas Match</p><p>

<strong>The Colony A</strong> vs. Dead Mascara & Tirador</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Larry Sweeney</strong> vs. Hydra</p><p>

Ophidian vs. <strong>Matt Classic</strong></p><p>

Spectral Envoy vs.<strong> Pieces of Hate</strong></p><p>

<strong>Super Smash Bros</strong> vs. 2.0</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

The Bros. got this!</p>

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<p><strong><span style="text-decoration:underline;">CHIKARA 9000 Championship Steel Cage Match</span></strong></p><p>

Mike Quackenbush vs. <strong>UltraMantis Black ©</strong></p><p><strong>

</strong>The evil Insectoid Overlord has more tricks up his sleeve no cage will be able to keep his minions out!!</p><p> </p><p>

<strong><span style="text-decoration:underline;">Campeonatos de Parejas Match</span></strong></p><p>

<strong>The Colony A</strong> vs. Dead Mascara & Tirador</p><p>

The Ants will not be stopped on this day!!</p><p> </p><p>

Larry Sweeney vs. <strong>Hydra</strong></p><p>

I gotta bet on The MAn Monster no one can escape the Hydra Lock</p><p> </p><p>

<strong> Ophidian</strong> vs. Matt Classic</p><p>

I expect the Snake style will play a factor in this contest.</p><p> </p><p>

Spectral Envoy vs. <strong>Pieces of Hate</strong></p><p>

I smell shenanigans afoot in this finish</p><p> </p><p>

<strong> Super Smash Bros</strong> vs. 2.0</p><p>

I foresee a long loosing streak in the future of 2.0</p>

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CHIKARA 9000 Championship Steel Cage Match

Mike Quackenbush vs. UltraMantis Black ©

Our glorious leader will summon the strength of a thousand burning suns and rip the cage from his plane of existence, allowing his followers to sort out that heathen in Michael Quackenbush.


Campeonatos de Parejas Match

The Colony A vs. Dead Mascara & Tirador

Dead Mascaras don't flip.


Larry Sweeney vs. Hydra

Hydra is good at two things, cooking and beating people.


Ophidian vs. Matt Classic

He will not fail, Matt Classssssssic will fall to the sssssserpant sssssssnake sssssspirit.


Spectral Envoy vs. Pieces of Hate



Super Smash Bros vs. 2.0


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<p></p><div style="text-align:center;"><a href="http://smg.photobucket.com/user/Frontiergfx/media/TTH_zps98631015.jpg.html" rel="external nofollow"><span>http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v260/Frontiergfx/TTH_zps98631015.jpg</span></a><p>

Saturday, Week 3 January 2009</p><p> </p><p>

Gavin Loudpeaker: Welcome one and all to The Thirteenth Hat. I am the "Director of Fun" Gavin Loudspeaker, here to call the action, alongside the ever ready "DJ of the Republika" Ivan Barrera! The card is stacked tonight, and I should know as I booked it!</p><p> </p><p>

Ivan Barrera: "DJ of the republika" this week am I? I kinda dig it GL. I can't wait to see my boys the Super Smash Bros. tonight, and I'm hoping The Pieces of Hate and UltraMantis Black get what's coming to them after what went down at Under the Hood!</p><p> </p><p>

Gavin Loudspeaker: Here comes Ophidian!</p><p> </p><p>

<a href="http://smg.photobucket.com/user/Frontiergfx/media/CHIKARA9000/OvMC_zps86502853.jpg.html" rel="external nofollow"><span>http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v260/Frontiergfx/CHIKARA9000/OvMC_zps86502853.jpg</span></a></p><p>

- Ophidian locks up with Matt Classic but is outsmarted by the ring veteran</p><p>

- Classic locking Ophidian into a wrist lock</p><p>

- Ophidian reversal and begins headbutting the arm of Classic</p><p>

- Hip toss by Ophidian followed by a reverse chin lock.</p><p>

- Ophidian and Classic continue going back and forth</p><p>

- Classic with an Abdominal Stretch...</p><p>

- Ophidian fights his way to the rope.</p><p>

- Matt Classic kicks his legs out.</p><p>

- Matt Classic with a pin but barely gets a 1 count.</p><p>

- Ophidian takes control following amissed leg drop from Classic</p><p>

- Ophidian is really wearing down his opponent.</p><p>

- CHIKARA Special!!! Where the hell did Ophidian learn that?</p><p>

- Will Classic tap...</p><p>

- He's fighting it...</p><p>

- He's almost...</p><p>

- Classic taps out!</p><p>

The winner of the match... Ophidian!</p><p> </p><p>

[Ophidian asks for a microphone]</p><p> </p><p>

Ophidian: Mike Quackenbush. It would appear you have a turncoat in your midssssssst. I wasssss ssssold the CHIKARA Ssssspecial for a very reassssssonable price. The Technico sssssecret weapon isssss now in my handsssssssss.</p><p> </p><p>

Gavin Loudspeaker: We saw a real "Matt Classic" there folks! You see what I did there Ivan? That is why I am the </p><p> </p><p>

Director of Fun and you are my little Tonto!</p><p> </p><p>

Ivan Barrera: You're the "Director" of something alright... I still can't believe we just saw Ophidian use the CHIKARA </p><p> </p><p>

Special, a move only taught to Technicos. There will be hell to pay when Quack finds out who betrayed him!</p><p> </p><p>

Gavin Loudspeaker: Quackenbush certainly won't be happy. This ranks up there with Shane "STIGMA" Storms betrayal when </p><p> </p><p>

he told UltraMantis Black how to reverse the move!</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

[The video from last week plays again, ending this time with "Almost Here..."]</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

<a href="http://smg.photobucket.com/user/Frontiergfx/media/CHIKARA9000/SSBv20_zps8d2caad7.jpg.html" rel="external nofollow"><span>http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v260/Frontiergfx/CHIKARA9000/SSBv20_zps8d2caad7.jpg</span></a></p><p>

- Player Uno tries shaking Shane Matthews hand</p><p>

- Matthews tries to hit the NES pad on Unos pants but Uno shouts at him to leave his buttons alone!</p><p>

- They finally tie up with Matthews gaining the upper hand</p><p>

- Matthews hits a drop toe hold to swing the match in 2.0's favour</p><p>

- Matthews tags in Jagged who kicks Uno in the thigh...</p><p>

- ...He must have hit the pause button because Uno is now motionless!</p><p>

- Jagged repeatedly hits Uno but nothing happens.</p><p>

- Jagged with a crossbody but just bounces off Uno!</p><p>

- Player Dos comes in and hits the pause button again</p><p>

- Jaggeds confusion is plain for all to see as he tags Matthews</p><p>

- Uno tags Dos who hits a crossbody of his own!</p><p>

- Dos and Matthews really going at each other.</p><p>

- Dos tags Uno who then takes over the assault on Matthews</p><p>

- Uno hits the Bubble Bobble Buster!</p><p>

- 1...2...3! Jagged tried to make the save but Player Dos keeps him at bay!</p><p>

The winners of the match, and #1 contenders for the Campeonatos de Parejas The Super Smash Bros!</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

<a href="http://smg.photobucket.com/user/Frontiergfx/media/CHIKARA9000/LSvH_zps82ee3f12.jpg.html" rel="external nofollow"><span>http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v260/Frontiergfx/CHIKARA9000/LSvH_zps82ee3f12.jpg</span></a></p><p>

- Larry Sweeney and Hydra tie up</p><p>

- Hydra with the upperhand has Sweeney reeling</p><p>

- It's been all Hydra in the early going</p><p>

- Sweeney fights back!</p><p>

- Larry is hitting Hydra with everything he's got.</p><p>

- A 2 count on Hydra from Sweeney</p><p>

- It's been all Sweeney these last couple of minutes</p><p>

- Hydra though isn't going down without a fight!</p><p>

[Tenma and Rayvin come out to the entranceway]</p><p>

- With Larry Sweeney distracted Hydra hits a reverse DDT</p><p>

- HYDRA LOCK!! Will Larry tap???</p><p>

[The lights go out in the arena and when they come on both Hydra and Sweeney are down, however Hydras arm appears to be </p><p> </p><p>

draped over Sweeney]</p><p>

- 1...2...3! I don't know what we have just witnessed</p><p>

- The winner of the match, Hydra!</p><p> </p><p>

[Following the match Tenma and Rayvin assault Larry Sweeney before Tenma picks up Hydra and walks off with him!]</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

<a href="http://smg.photobucket.com/user/Frontiergfx/media/CHIKARA9000/SEvPOH_zpsf820bf44.jpg.html" rel="external nofollow"><span>http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v260/Frontiergfx/CHIKARA9000/SEvPOH_zpsf820bf44.jpg</span></a></p><p>

- Hallowicked & The Shard start things off</p><p>

- Spectral Envoy are in charge of the match in the early going - frequent tags</p><p>

- Jigsaw now in to break up a pin attempt!</p><p>

- Jigsaw and Hallowicked begin to brawl on the outside</p><p>

- The Shard takes control of Frightmare</p><p>

- Jigsaw disposes of Hallowicked into the crowd</p><p>

- Jigsaw tags in.</p><p>

- Pieces of Hate double teaming Frightmare</p><p>

- Frightmare from nowhere with a clothesline!</p><p>

- He looks to make the tag... but there's no Hallowicked!</p><p>

- Jigsaw drags him back to the center of the ring</p><p>

- Jigsaw and The Shard now have the momentum</p><p>

- Hallowicked ahs made his way back to the apron</p><p>

- After what seems like an eternity Frightmare fights back and makes the hot tag!</p><p>

- Hallowicked going to town on both members of Pieces of Hate!</p><p>

- Frightmare now fighting with The Shard and Hallowicked with Jigsaw</p><p>

- Tandem Graveyard Smashes! Both Pieces of Hate covered</p><p>

- 1...2...3!!</p><p>

The winners of the match, Hallowicked & Frightmare, The Spectral Envoy!</p><p> </p><p>

Gavin Loudspeaker: Damn it's good to get a break from all that action! </p><p> </p><p>

Ivan Barrera: Man I'm wondering where that big dude just took Hydra. I'm not liking the fact we got 8 foot demons running round here snatching people up! And dude that little vampire chick that seems to be with him, she's creepy as all hell.</p><p> </p><p>

Gavin Loudspeaker: Oh I don't know about that. She has a certain charm about her... in a weird undead sort of way.</p><p> </p><p>

Ivan Barrera: Man I'm not even touching that comment.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

<a href="http://smg.photobucket.com/user/Frontiergfx/media/CHIKARA9000/TCvTDM_zpsd30a34ff.jpg.html" rel="external nofollow"><span>http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v260/Frontiergfx/CHIKARA9000/TCvTDM_zpsd30a34ff.jpg</span></a></p><p>

- Soldier Ant & Dead Mascara start the match</p><p>

- Dead Mascara seems to be lacking any real speed</p><p>

- Soldier Ant is in firm control.</p><p>

- Tirador attempts to get involved but overshoots Soldier Ant and hits the ground hard</p><p>

- Soldier Ant tags in Green Ant</p><p>

- Green Ant is making easy work of Dead Mascara!</p><p>

- Frequent tags from the Colony... </p><p>

[Rayvin comes out to ringside - when Dead mascara sees her he suddenly snaps into action]</p><p>

- Dead Mascara now in charge of Green Ant!</p><p>

- Dead Mascara and Tirador now making frequent tags as Rayvin stands on the outside</p><p>

- Tirador with a corkscrew Press but only a 2 count</p><p>

- Green Ant makes the tag to Soldier Ant!</p><p>

- Soldier Ant and Tirador going back and forth</p><p>

- Oh from nowhere Soldier Ant hits the Saluting Headbutt!</p><p>

- 1...2...3</p><p>

[Rayvin and Dead Mascara leave the ringside area]</p><p>

The winners of the bout and still Campeons de Parejas, The Colony!</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

Ivan Barrera: It's like Dia De Los Muertos tonight! I do not feel comfortable with all these undead things running </p><p> </p><p>

around. I did not sign up for this shit! It's like CHIKARA suddenly became the Gateway to Hell!</p><p> </p><p>

Gavin Loudspeaker: It is becoming a little un-nerving I have to agree.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

<a href="http://smg.photobucket.com/user/Frontiergfx/media/CHIKARA9000/UMBvQUAKENBUSH_zps212cbb97.jpg.html" rel="external nofollow"><span>http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v260/Frontiergfx/CHIKARA9000/UMBvQUAKENBUSH_zps212cbb97.jpg</span></a></p><p>

- The Steel door shuts and Quackenbush and UMB tie up</p><p>

- It's all Quackenbush at the moment, UMB can't get a move in!</p><p>

- The Shard & Jigsaw watching from the outside</p><p>

- UltraMantis Black fights back</p><p>

- Momentum now with UMB as he slams Quackenbush into the steel cage</p><p>

- UMB brutally assaulting Quackenbush, who has been split open above the eye</p><p>

- Quackenbush gets his second wind!</p><p>

- Both Quackenbush and UMB are down.</p><p>

- Mike Quackenbush crawls towards the cage door but Jigsaw slams it shut on him!</p><p>

- UMB regains his composure and takes charge but from nowhere Quackenbush locks in the CHIKARA Special!</p><p>

- Spectral Envoy have come down and take out Jigsaw & The Shard!</p><p>

- UMB is tied in the CHIKARA Special! He must tap out!</p><p>

- Hold on! Someone has just come from the crowd! he's scaling the steel cage</p><p>

- Quackenbush sees him and goes up to meet him</p><p>

- It's Crossbones! Quackenbush knocks him off the top of the cage to the outside!</p><p>

- Meanwhile UMB has made his way to the door! Quackenbush tries to drop down as UMB exits!</p><p>

- It looks like both men escape at the same time! What's the decision going to be?</p><p>

- One referee holds up UMB's hand while another holds up Quackenbush's</p><p>

- We don't appear to have a winner! </p><p> </p><p>

Gavin Loudspeaker: If I can have you attention please. There is no way the match is ending like this. Both men get back in the cage and fight until there's a winner! [The crowd appear to love that decision]</p><p> </p><p>

- The match restarts with Quackenbush in full control</p><p>

- Just as it looks like he has UMB beaten, UMB from nowhere hits the Praying Mantis Bomb!</p><p>

- he just needs to cover Quackenbush...</p><p>

- 1...2...3!</p><p>

The winner of the match and still CHIKARA 9000 Champion, UltraMantis Black!</p><p> </p><p>

UMB is helped from the ring by The Pieces of Hate & Crossbones as Spectral Envoy help Quackenbush to his feet, a bloody and beaten mess. I don't think this is over.</p></div><p></p><p></p>

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Sorry this is going to have to take a back burner for a bit. As you can tell from the last show, my heart really isn't in it as I'm trying to get my real world data sorted as a priority (classic case of biting off more than I can chew). Once I've finished that I will return to this and hopefully put a little more creativity and time into it with a few more weird and wonderful happenings and better worked out segments. I'd rather have something with a bit more quality for people to read than the pile of shite I just posted.
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<blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-username="Fleisch" data-cite="Fleisch" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36476" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div>Sorry this is going to have to take a back burner for a bit. As you can tell from the last show, my heart really isn't in it as I'm trying to get my real world data sorted as a priority (classic case of biting off more than I can chew). Once I've finished that I will return to this and hopefully put a little more creativity and time into it with a few more weird and wonderful happenings and better worked out segments. I'd rather have something with a bit more quality for people to read than the pile of shite I just posted.</div></blockquote><p> </p><p> All good, take your time with it. I gotta say that I'm looking forwards to seeing where this undead angle goes whenever this picks back up</p>
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