OLD: You're Never Too OLD to Brawl for Beer! [C-Verse XL]

3rdStringPG · September 24, 2013

OOC - Will keep that in mind, petecrimson00. <img alt="" data-src="//content.invisioncic.com/g322608/emoticons/biggrin.png.929299b4c121f473b0026f3d6e74d189.png" src="<___base_url___>/applications/core/interface/js/spacer.png" /> Lazy Joe just could become Crazy Joe, but for now, he'll be sleeping his ass off in the locker room in his angle.

Almost done writing the first show...as I said on my last OOC post, I was hoping to post it on Sunday, but the rainy weather made me lazier than Joe and I was only able to complete the SWF show. With work having resumed yesterday and a couple more segments due on the SWF diary, I think I can have the first show up by Wednesday or Thursday. <img alt="" data-src="//content.invisioncic.com/g322608/emoticons/smile.png.142cfa0a1cd2925c0463c1d00f499df2.png" src="<___base_url___>/applications/core/interface/js/spacer.png" /> In the meantime, predictions are still welcome!

3rdStringPG · September 25, 2013

OOC - Are you ready to get OLD? Layout will be similar to that on the SWF diary, with more focus on announcer rapport than a third person's view of the action (except BSS' for the matches), but given how OLD compares to SWF in terms of popularity, budget, talent and just about everything else, things will be a bit shorter and more concise...or at least I'll try to. (As it is, the show's a bit longer than I expected.) Also, Big Smack Scott is working as a babyface - had him originally listed as a heel, but I needed to even things out a bit. Take note, the OLD crowd cheers heels and boos the faces! OLD Live and Let Die Savannah Center Promenade (Georgia, Southeast) Thursday, January 24, 2013 <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/JeromeTurner_zpsf7631000.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/DeanMcWade_zps50bc8f61.jpg</div> Jerome Turner - Well good evening, OLDsters, and welcome to another OLD Folks LLC production, Live and Let Die! I'm Jerome Turner, and with me is that big, burly lumberjack, Dean McWade. (sings in a very Bruno Mars-esque tone that belies his muscular frame and tough appearance) When we were young and your heart was an open book...you used to say live and let live... (pauses) C'mon, Dean! Sing along with me now... (sings in falsetto) You know you did, you know you did, you know you did... Dean McWade - Ah, shut the f--- up, would you, Jerome? I'm in no mood for any singin' and good-time peace and love bullshit from the likes of you. Yeah, this is Dean McWade here, tonight's show is called Live and Let Die, and if you ask me, I couldn't give a flyin' f--- about this event. If big Dean's not workin', then the show ain't worth watchin'. Turner - Oh Dean, why don't you lighten up for a moment? Anyway, we've got a lot of high-quality, pulsating action for you all tonight - we've got The Hillbillys defending their OLD Tag Team Titles against The Fashion Police. We've got Al and Pete's cousin Casey debuting against Coyote Dynamite. Raul Lightbringer, Dead Bolt and our mystery newcomer will be fighting for the vacated OLD King of the Deathmatch Title. But first, let us all rise to our feet and pray, for here's OLD's resident holy man, Fr. Michael Everloving Herlihy, his convert, Raul Lightbringer, and his...altar boys? <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div><div style="text-align:center;">ANGLE - Fr. Michael Sermon (20/E)</div> <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/MurderousMikeypriest_zps0963bcbc.jpg</div> Fr. Michael Everloving Herlihy - Let us aaaaaaaalllll remember, that we are in the holy presence...of the Lord. In the name of the father, and of the son, and of the holy spirit, Amen. (makes the Sign of the Cross) Dear Lawd, we are gathered here in Savannah, Georgia, gathered in your most holy presence, as we prepare for another night of blood, beer and brawling, three things that displeaseth you, three things that the heathens of Savannah and of the OLD locker room craveth for. Tonight, we shall witness the dayyyyy-bewwww of a man who has elicited hatred in a major wrestlin' promotion, and it is my ardent wish that You strike down this sinner and make him pay for violatin' your every commandment, right down from his self-worship, all the way to the wanton bacchanalia he enjoys after the show. But most of all, Dear Lawd, we pray for the success of our brother in faith, the former Darkness Warrior, Raul Lightbringer. Once he had walked hand-in-hand with the DEVUHL...but he has since seen the light. Just like the song "Amazing Grace", Raul once was lost, but now he is found, he was blind, BUT NOW HE SEES! You here in the audience...the heathens, heretics and SINNERS of Savannah, Georgia, can be like our brother Raul. You too can turn your lives around and REPENT for the sins you have committed! Now all you gotta do is TESTIFY...and show your everlovin' love for Raul Lightbringer...and CHEER HIM as he seeks to become King of the Deathmatch against the Supreme Heathen and the pernicious product of our prison systems, Dead Bolt! I pray for you, Savannah, not just you people in the audience but Savannah, the adult film entertainer, and I pray for your SALVATION. So bow down your heads and repeat after me. Lord, we pray for the victory of your son and our brother Raul Lightbringer, for the sins of the locker room, for the sins of the paying customers, the security officers and the beer and hotdog vendors makin' a living through this perversion. We pray that you turn that beer into water and those hotdogs into sticks of broccoli, as we strive for a more salubrious existence in your kingdom and live our lives like you want us to live it. This we ask, in your most holiest everlovin' name, Amen. In the name of the father, and of the son, and of the Holy Spirt, Amen. PRAISE THE EVERLOVIN' LORD!!!! (pauses) My altar boys, Gregory and Matthew, will be goin' around to pass the collection plates around. So please, Savannah, SHOW US YOUR TITHES!!! Audience - SHOW THOSE TITHES! SHOW THOSE TITHES! SHOW THOSE TITHES! As the audience continues cheering for those "tithes" to be shown, a few overweight women in the front rows pull up or unbutton their shirts, much to the disgust of the two announcers. McWade - I did not just see that. I did NOT just see that! See, that's the problem with the illiterate hicks who watch these shows. Fr. Michael clearly said "tithes", and what do these women do? Turner - Just go with the flow, Dean, and stop being such a grouch. Haven't you seen any of the Woodstocks? Or been to a biker's expo?</div></blockquote> <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div><div style="text-align:center;">ANGLE - Painful Procedure Beats Down on The Altar Boys of Love (33/E)</div> <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/ManMountainCahill_zpsa57a7a1b.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/RandallHopkirkalt_zpsf47117cb.jpg</div> Turner - WHOA! Who are those two thugs attacking Greg and Matt? McWade - Those two men, you nincomboob, are Randall Hopkirk and Man Mountain Cah-, er...Rock, er...Metal. They used to play for a band called Painful Procedure, but right now their tag team is called Painful Procedure, and Fr. Michael has nothing but contempt for their Satanic rock 'n' roll caterwauling! But you wouldn't, and couldn't relate with that, isn't that right? Turner - I'll have you know I listen to Nickelback! McWade - That comment has just amped up my contempt for you, Jerome. I don't know why the boss even forces me to work with you. (pauses) Crappy co-announcer comments aside, we've got a slobberkiller up next in the form of Whisky Jack goin' up against Avatar by James Cameron... Turner - KP Avatar, Dean, and this man is part of OLD's Young Talent Initiative. And what's this...he's rapping on his way to the ring?</div></blockquote> <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div><div style="text-align:center;"> <div class="ipsEmbeddedVideo"><div><iframe width="200" height="150" src="https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/LpClopxgGFY?feature=oembed" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen="" title="Fishbone - Swim"></iframe></div></div> vs <div class="ipsEmbeddedVideo"><div><iframe width="200" height="150" src="https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/epnqisvSCwo?feature=oembed" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen="" title="Merle Haggard I'm A White Boy"></iframe></div></div> (11/F)</div> <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/TEW%202013/KPAvatar.jpg vs http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/WhiskyJack_zps081680b1.jpg</div> Pro Wrestling Hits Sez: In an extremely poor match, KP Avatar defeated Whisky Jack in 5:53 when Whisky Jack was disqualified when Hardcore Killah ran in and attacked KP Avatar. Scott Sez: KP seems to be workin' very sports ennertainmen' style, meanin' artificial and painless, whereas Whisky Jack takes no prisoners, kicks butt and takes names. Due to this, the fans kinda hate KP and his rappin', but there was this one fat black girl wearin' a Christian Faith "I Have Faith" t-shirt screamin' "I LOVE YOU KP!" as he entered the ring. So far, I'm not likin' these "squared circle fan girls", whom, as I've noticed, weigh an average of 250 pounds and have an average of three teeth and an average IQ of 50. I had the match end by havin' Hardcore Killah run in and smash KP with a 2x4, which sent him sprawlin' to the mat and Chuck Hapstander callin' for the bell. That's a decision none of the 400 fans were happy with...nobody wants ta' see a DQ! Let 'em play, ref! Let 'em play!</div></blockquote> <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div><div style="text-align:center;">ANGLE - Hardcore Killah Beats Down on Avatar (12/F)</div> <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/HardcoreKillah_zps164fd76d.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/TEW%202013/KPAvatar.jpg</div> Turner - I don't understand it, Dean. Why does Hardcore Killah seem so angry with KP Avatar? The young man just got here! McWade - Yeah? Well, so did you. So just sit back and watch and let me do the talkin'. Hardcore Killah attacked KP Avatar for deliverin' a SWF-level beatdown to Whisky Jack and not fightin' like a man! You hit like a girl, KP Avatar! You, and the rest of that dadgum SWF roster, YOU ALL HIT LIKE GIRLS!</div></blockquote> <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div><div style="text-align:center;">ANGLE - Lazy Joe Sleeps (39/D-)</div> <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/LazyJoe_zpsfd58efe9.jpg</div> Turner - I do not understand this either! The guy's just lying there, sleeping his head off! McWade - That's Lazy Joe, and he's done nothin' but sleep since Wiley Steinway defeated him for the King of the Deathmatch title in August 2012! Turner - Wiley...who? McWade - Wiley Judas Iscariot Benedict Arnold Art Modell LeBron James Steinway the 69th, you nosey little hoser! Turner - You mean he left OLD? And don't "hoser" me, Dean! I know for a fact that you and Dallas are a couple lovable lumberjacks from up north! McWade (screaming) - FOR THE VERY LAST TIME, I COME FROM BELLINGHAM, WERSHINGTON, I WAS BORN THERE, RAISED THERE, CUT TREES THERE, AND THAT WILL BE THE LAST ANYONE WOULD HEAR ABOOT THAT, DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR, JEROME? I MEAN, WHAT ARE YOU TRYIN' TO PULL, EH? Turner - Not a Canadian, he said. Born and raised a lumberjack in Bellingham, Washington, he said. Oh, Deano! You are the living end!</div></blockquote> <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div><div style="text-align:center;">Casey the Hillbilly vs Coyote Dynamite (15/F)</div> <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/TEW%202013/KCGlenn_zpsae56120f.jpg vs http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/CoyoteDynamite_zps65e625f9.jpg</div> Pro Wrestling Hits Sez: In an extremely poor match, Casey the Hillbilly defeated Coyote Dynamite in 9:25 by pinfall with a Tune Up The Moonshine Band. Scott Sez: That's what's so great about KC Glenn, a.k.a. Casey the Hillbilly. As the kayfabe urbanized cousinephewhatever of Al and Pete and some sorta relative of their manager Buttercup, he's s'posed to be a "Dude", and damn, did he get a good rating for that on the PWH app thingamabob. But mainly, he's the most talented worker we have here (so sez KP), and he had no quams (ed. note - "qualms") gettin' blood and havin' Coyote cut him up.</div></blockquote> <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div><div style="text-align:center;">ANGLE - The Fashion Police and The Hillbillys Argue (39/D-)</div> <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/Grunt_jhd3_zps82ff7539.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/Stink_jhd4_zps2ee1af5b.jpg</div> Jeffrey Grussmont - I don't even know why we should be doing this. Fighting for the tag belts against The Hillbillys? Terrence Stein - C'mon, Jeffrey, stop being a worrywart and think of where those belts can get us. We could be the ENVY of every fashion blogger when we wear those titles 'round our waists! Grussmont - Pish-posh, Terrence, wearing those belts would be the deaths of us! But not if we change things up a bit and make it a lit-tle more fashionable. (pauses as he and Stein encounter both Hillbillys, Al and Pete) Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! It's Hillbilly Al and Hillbilly Pete! Talk about a couple of MAJOR fashion victims. <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/AlTheHillbilly_zps3fcaf0cc.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/PeteTheHillbilly_zps59032629.jpg</div> Hillbilly Al - You durn git away from we's Hillbillys, ya fruity city boys! If y'all grew up in our backwoods part o' the country, y'all'd be Hillbillys too! Stein - Over our dead and stylish bodies, Hillbillys! Speaking of style, you can't even spell the word "STYLE" if someone spotted you the S, the T, the Y, the L and the E. Grussmont (pointing to a page in an issue of GQ he has rolled up with him) - Hillbilly Pete, this look is soooooo you. Give that beard a shave, take at least three baths, and you'll be looking MAH-VELOUS. In this outfit, of course, not those dirty cover-alls you insist on wearing. Hillbilly Pete - We don't need no advice on style, y'all Fashion Pow-leez! We's just simple folks from the backwoods, we love ta' dance, we love ta' drinkum' moonshine, and most of all, we love to FIGHT. Hillbilly Al - Isn't that right, Cous'n Casey? <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/TEW%202013/KCGlenn_zpsae56120f.jpg</div> Hillbilly Casey (uncomfortably) - Whaddaya mean Cous'n, duuuuude? Y'alls mah UNCLE! Or brother. Or father. All the same diffuh-runz ta' me! At least that's what City Dad and City Mom done told me... The Hillbillys - YEE-HAWWWWWWW!!!! The Hillbillys stable - Al, Pete, Casey and Buttercup - then break into a bizarre square dance that produces the implied effect of nauseating the metro-ish and fashion conscious Jeffrey Grussmont and Terrence Stein, who leave the 'Billys' area looking for safer ground. Grussmont - These strange Kentucky people sure are strange, Terrence. Got any of that cologne on you? Stein - Don't, don't, don't bogart it, Jeffrey! (sprays some of his cologne in the air) Ah, who am I kidding. We need lots of this...BOTTLES of this good stuff to get that hillbilly stench out.</div></blockquote> <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div><div style="text-align:center;">ANGLE - The Fashion Police Argues with Stadium Police Officers (38/D-)</div> While in the act of spraying cologne, The Fashion Police accidentally end up spraying a couple of stadium police officers, sending them reeling back and putting them both in a particularly foul mood! <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/CameronVesseycop_zps02f9e08b.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/CaseyValentinecop_zps63a848de.jpg</div> Lt. Cameron - HEY! What's the big idea, sprayin' us with that ladies' perfume of yours? Stein - Correction, Officer, this is MEN'S cologne. Grussmont - I'm Jeffrey Grussmont, and that's my...friend, Terrence Stein. We're wrestling fashion bloggers, and YOU, Officer... (inspects Lt. Cameron's nametag) ...Cameron, that moustache of yours is too Magnum P.I. Know what I mean...it's soooooo 1980s! Stein - Jeffrey is right, Officer. I mean, what's next...a couple big-haired bimbos helping you out in your detective work? Cameron - Look here, Fashion Police. I don't know what you New York fashion dictators want with small-town cops like us, but one more sassy remark from y'all and we'll be lockin' you up for disrespecting a police officer. Cpl. "PoPo" Valentine - You two ever spent the night in jail as somebody's bitch? No? Then you're gonna LOVE it in our little holding cell at the precinct. Grussmont - The cop uniforms and moustaches are straight out of the '80s, but you two look much, much more stylish when you're mad. Stein - Care to see our ideas for police uniforms, Officers? Cameron - I'll tell you what we'd like to see. Me and my fellow law enforcement officer, Cpl. Valentine, would like those OLD tag team titles 'round our waists! Valentine - Are you sure this is a good idea, Lt. Cameron? I mean...we're cops! We're not rasslers like these...these freaks! Cameron - Let your superior officer handle this, Valentine. And one more thing...those two aren't rasslers either. Stein - Ooooohhhh, them's fightin' words! To paraphrase those three uneducated Mountain Williams, of course. So the real police want a tag team match with The Fashion Police? Grussmont - ...and The Sons of the Soil, er...Hillbillys? Stein - You got it. (sticks out his tongue) See you in the ring, coppers.</div></blockquote> <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div><div style="text-align:center;"> <div class="ipsEmbeddedVideo"><div><iframe width="200" height="150" src="https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/fHmzFVDjVnM?feature=oembed" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen="" title="VENOM - 01-Black Metal"></iframe></div></div> vs <div class="ipsEmbeddedVideo"><div><iframe width="200" height="150" src="https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/AZQxH_8raCI?feature=oembed" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen="" title="Spirit In The Sky Norman Greenbaum"></iframe></div></div> (w/Fr. Michael Everloving Herlihy and Raul Lightbringer) (25/E)</div> <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/ManMountainCahill_zpsa57a7a1b.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/RandallHopkirkalt_zpsf47117cb.jpg vs http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/GregGaugealtarboy_zps63779f11.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/MatthewKeithaltarboy_zpsb29c2229.jpg</div> Pro Wrestling Hits Sez: In a bout that had a good crowd and some decent in-ring action, Painful Procedure defeated The Altar Boys of Love in 8:43 when Randall Hopkirk defeated Altar Boy Matthew by pinfall with a Randallism. During the match we also saw Fr. Michael Everloving Herlihy run in and attack Hopkirk,and also attack Cahill. Scott Sez: Hiring Sam Keith's kids, said Fabulous Frank, was the equivalent of hiring Steven Tyler to judge American Idol. I didn't get that reference, having never watched beyond the audition rounds for the lulz, but Frank said it's like hiring someone too good for a shit show, or in this case, hiring pansy-wansy technicians to work in a wrestling environment. I still didn't get it. Hey, at least Fr. Michael, the former Murderous One, was decent on guest commentary. The Announcers Said: McWade (at 3:44 in the match) - Look at that Altar Boy Matthew...trying to stretch Randall Hopkirk with a scorpion deathlock variation? Who does that shit in these parts? I respect you, Fr. Michael, and I would attend your Sunday services if you're in the area, but you've made a mistake draggin' your Altar Boys into the ring. Fr. Michael - Oh, but you should know that what they're doing is part of the plan...part of God's plan to rid OLD of these Satan-worshipping heathens and teach them the way to Everloving salvation! Fr. Michael (at 6:10, following a Man Mountain Metal piledriver on Altar Boy Gregory) - KNEEL DOWN AND PRAY, DEAN AND JEROME! This is the work of the Devuhl...it is time for some divine intervention! (runs in to the ring with a chair and bashes Man Mountain Metal while Raul Lightbringer distracts referee Charles Hapstander)</div></blockquote> <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div><div style="text-align:center;">ANGLE - Dead Bolt Rants About Lightbringer (35/E)</div> <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/DeadBolt_zps027c4b76.jpg</div> Buttercup - G'evenin', Savannah, mah name is Buttercup the Hillbilly, and Ah is here in the ring with a man which will be fightin' fo' the King of the Deathmatch title lates on ta'night! So how'd 'ya do, Dead Bolt? Dead Bolt - Listen up, you brain-dead hick, Dead Bolt ain't in the mood to answer any of your small-talk questions. Whaddayawant? Buttercup (looking intimidated) - Ta'night, y'alls gonna be fightin' two skillful an' talented men... Dead Bolt - Same difference, bitch! They both suck! (pauses as the crowd cheers Dead Bolt's misogynistic response) Buttercup - Oh, Ah am so sorry, Mr. Bolt... Dead Bolt - That's MISTER DEAD BOLT TO YOU, missy! Now spill it out before I piledrive yer skanky ass to the mat! Buttercup - Do you have...any...any...does y'alls has somethin' ta' say to Raul Lahtbringer and the mystery man? Dead Bolt - All I gotta say is this. Raul Lightbringer, you may talk about your Bible and your bein' saved by that crazy old priest Fr. Michael, but you ain't been behind bars at the age of 14 like I was. You haven't gotten bad prison tattoos and sold cigarettes and drew stick figures just to prevent your fellow inmates from rammin' it down where the sun don't shine. You may be free from the clutches of evil, but you ain't free from the hard times I'm gonna give you later on tonight! And mystery man...I don't know you, I don't care to know who you are, but whoever you are...you're gonna be facin' a real f---in' product of the system. (to Buttercup, pushing the Hillbillys valet as he storms out of the ring) Now GET OUT OF MY WAY and STOP THIS INTERVIEW RIGHT NOW!!!! <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/JeromeTurner_zpsf7631000.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/DeanMcWade_zps50bc8f61.jpg</div> Turner - My, that was an impassioned interview from Dead Bolt... Dead Bolt (glowering at Turner and shaking his fist) - YOU WANT A PIECE OF THIS?!?!? AND THE NAME IS MISTER DEAD BOLT! McWade - Go ahead, Mr. Dead Bolt. You're free to wail away on this pansy... Turner - No, Mr. Dead Bolt...you'll have to take it easy...I have a wife, and kids, and mouths to feed... Dead Bolt - LIAR! I do whatever the f--- I want to do in this promotion, and if you don't like it, then you can just go ahead and quit on your first day at work. Having said that, Dead Bolt bops Jerome Turner in the face as Dean McWade laughs hysterically, calling it the "Knockout of the Night."</div></blockquote> <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div><div style="text-align:center;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-m13jH01YZM" rel="external nofollow">The Hillbillys</a> © (w/Buttercup and Casey the Hillbilly) vs <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A9fN-9fU2N4" rel="external nofollow">Cop Vrewtality II</a> vs <div class="ipsEmbeddedVideo"><div><iframe width="200" height="150" src="https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/Nqs6FzpsVTA?feature=oembed" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen="" title="RuPaul - Supermodel - Official Music Video - HQ"></iframe></div></div> - OLD Tag Team Title Match (26/E)</div> <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/AlTheHillbilly_zps3fcaf0cc.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/PeteTheHillbilly_zps59032629.jpg vs http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/CameronVesseycop_zps02f9e08b.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/CaseyValentinecop_zps63a848de.jpg] vs http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/Grunt_jhd3_zps82ff7539.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/Stink_jhd4_zps2ee1af5b.jpg</div> Pro Wrestling Hits Sez: In a bout that had a good crowd and some decent in-ring action, The Fashion Police defeated The Hillbillys and Cop Vrewtality II in 10:02. The order of elimination was The Hillbillys first, and then Cop Vrewtality II. During the match we also saw Buttercup distract Cpl. "PoPo" Valentine. The Fashion Police win the OLD Tag Team Titles. Scott Sez: The Hillbillys and both C-V-2 guys - I came up with the name "Cop Vrewtality II" on the spot - weren't comfortable with the hardcore nature of this match, and I couldn't help but notice a lot of squamish (ed. - squeamish) fans who couldn't stand the hardcore beating Jeff and Terry were giving out. Must be SWF fans brought in as ringers to pad the attendance. Man, those Fashion Police guys may be a coupla sissies in terms of gimmick, but they sure know their hardcore; the pop from the crowd was deafening when they sent The Hillbillys packin' back to Kentucky. I did kinda like the part where Buttercup and KC were square-dancin' at ringside to distract Casey Valentine, but that was all for naught, wasn't it? The Announcers Said: Turner (at 5:55, as the Hillbillys get eliminated by a Fashionista Flop from Jeffrey Grussmont) - OH, THE HUMANITY!!! THE REFEREE MUST HAVE BEEN BLIND NOT TO SEE GRUSSMONT PULLING ON THOSE TIGHTS!!! McWade - I think he was tryin' to cop a feel of that hillbilly buttcrack. Turner - Dean, I don't know why I enjoy working with you despite those numerous off-color and DISGUSTING comments. McWade - Don't mention it, Jerome, or I just might sic Dead Bolt on 'ya again!</div></blockquote> <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div><div style="text-align:center;">ANGLE - Forletta Announces New Client (37/D-)</div> For this segment, Julie Forletta stands a few feet away from Wiley Steinway Position (OLD's equivalent of Aegalaeus/Gorilla Position), wearing a tight black dress and smoking a cigarette which is, unfortunately for those non-smokers out there, not part of the act. And for some inexplicable reason, <div class="ipsEmbeddedVideo"><div><iframe width="200" height="113" src="https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/Ii1tc493bZM?feature=oembed" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen="" title="James Bond 007 Movie Theme Music"></iframe></div></div> plays in the background as we await the arrival of Forletta's new client. Turner - She looks a bit...wrinkled to play a Bond girl, what do you think, Dean? McWade - I don't think anything, Jerome, because you know as much about which Bond girls are hottest as Dead Bolt knows about staying out of jail! <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/JulieForletta_zps73bb55d0.jpg</div> Julie Forletta - They say Original Legends Deathmatches is a promotion filled with bloodthirsty savages with little regard for their fellow man's well-being. They say it is an organization that promotes violence and mayhem, where a deep cut in the forehead, a concussion or a (coughs violently) a...a bloodbath in the middle of the ring is considered a badge of honor. They say that my client has no business stepping into the ring at OLD, given his reputation as a performer from the Supreme...Wrestling...Federation. Audience - BOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Select Fans - EISEN SUCKS! EISEN SUCKS! EISEN SUCKS! EISEN SUCKS! Forletta - Though my client may have had a reputation for violence in New York... (pauses as the crowd continues booing, then coughs a little more) Excuse me. As I was saying, my client may be known for violence, but he has since realized that genteel behavior is always a preferable alternative to bashing somebody in with a chair, a kendo stick or a 2x4. He is also a well-read individual who collects mystery novels and enjoys fine dining at the nicest places. He has been to every continent but Antarctica, but if he could charter a jet and bundle up on winter clothes, he would explore the frozen continent because...why not? He enjoys membership at a New York polo club and is close friends with Forbes 500 executives and CIA agents alike. His violent nature is but a facade. He is your NEXT OLD King of the Deathmatch...Gentleman Scott Sinclair!</div></blockquote> <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div><div style="text-align:center;">ANGLE - Sinclair Promo (49/D-)</div> The former Big Smack Scott's ring entrance is met by a cavalcade of boos and "EISEN SUCKS!" chants, and heel announcer Dean McWade is filled with contempt for him, but he pays little heed to all that as he prepares to cut his first-ever OLD promo. <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/BigSmackScott_zps5979f172.jpg</div> Gentleman Scott Sinclair - Merci, Madame Forletta, allow me to address le OLDsters and my opponents for the evening. (clears his throat) It is my pleasure to be part of this promotion...and as a well-traveled, well-read individual who... McWade - Big Smack Scott has lost it. No, he hasn't anything to lose anyway, because this is SWF's garbage tossed to the Southeast, and no matter how much this leopard tries to change his spots, he will always be the SWF's red-headed stepchild! Turner - You'll want to keep that down, Dean. Gentleman Scott Sinclair is a changed man, though he may be a bit nervous at this point. After all, he's made a 360-degree turn from being a purveyor of violence to being a true Renaissance man! Sinclair - ...true Renaissance man? Why, thank you, Mr. Turner for that beautiful compliment. It is always nice to hear that people like yourself appreciate class and elegance... (continues to stammer as the crowd boos) Now if I may quote F. Scott Fitzgerald, "show me a hero and I'll show you a tragedy." As I understand, your hero's name is Raul Lightbringer. You also idolize this man you call Dead Bolt. Now let me tell you something... Turner - The gentleman's getting into the zone, Dean...you are gonna like this! Nobody but Jerome Turner saw it coming, as Gentleman Scott Sinclair morphs into the angry mushmouth of old, ranting and raving at anyone he can think of, may it be his former SWF co-workers or his opponents in the KOTD title match! Sinclair - WEMME TELL YOU SUMPIN', OLDSTERS! I MAY BE A GENTOWMAN OUTSIDE, WIDD DIS SUIT AND DIS WUVVWEH LADY JOOWIE FOWWETTAH STANDIN' IN MAH CORNAH...BUT THE MORE I THINK ABOUT DEAD BOWT AND RAOOW WIGHTBRINGAH, IT TAKES ME BACK TO THE PISSHOLE CALLED THE SUPREME WRESTLING FIDDERAYSHUN! THE UPPER BRASS IN SUPREME...PEOPLE LIKE TRICKY DICK EISEN...PEETAH MICHAELS...THEY PULLED DA UWTIMATE SCREWJOB! I SHOULDA BEEN TAG TEAM CHAMPIN'...BUT AS IT TURNS OUT, EISEN WANTS ME TO DOOTA JOB FOR SOME SISSY-MAN FRUIT TAG TEAM THAT'S EVEN SISSIER THAN...I DUNNO, DA FASHIN' POW-WICE! WELL, GUESS WHO'S CHAMPIN' NOW...THE PWATINUH BLONDEZ. BIG F---IN' DEAL, OLDSTERS! BIG F--IN' DEAL! AND NOW THAT I REEYOWIZE HOW MUCH YA' HATE ME, WHETHER I'M A DISTINGWISH GENTOWMAN OR BEIN' MA' OWD SMACKIN' SELF...YOU CAN AWW KISS MAH ASS AN' CALL IT CANDY, BECAUSE THE SMACKAH...THE FREAKAH' NAYCHA...IS GONNA WIN HIMSEWF A SINGOWS BELT TA'NIGHT...YOU WANT A VIOLENT SMACKER?!?!? I'MMA GIVE YOU A VIOLENT SMACKER...AN' RAOOW WIGHTBRINGAH AND DEAD BOWT ARE GONNA WISH THEY NEVER SIGNED FO' THIS OWGANAZATION... Turner - Dean, I think Scott Sinclair just broke the fourth wall. McWade - Heh, good thing you understood something. I forgot my gibberish-to-English dictionary at home! Sinclair (back to "gentleman" mode, apparently) - In le words of the lovely Julie Forletta...va te faire foutre. That's "thank you" in French. Turner - I'm from Canada and I've been around a lot of French-Canadian buddies myself, and I can definitely say that Big Smack Scott did not say "thank you." McWade - It's all Greek to me, Jerome. And Scott Sinclair will realize he's the one who's makin' a mistake traipisin' into our territory. This isn't your daddy or brother's SWF. This ain't Cornell Country, nor is this the family-friendly home of kid-friendly wrestlin' like USPW. This is Original Legends Deathmatches...where wrestlers wrestle, where the blood flows like water, and where Dean McWade beats the livin' shit outta Jerome Turner! Turner - Better you than Dead Bolt... McWade (laughing) - You don't know whom you're messin' with, Jerome...ESPECIALLY if my twin brother Dallas decides to head on down from Washington to Florida. Then you'll know what lovable lumberjacks are aboot.</div></blockquote> <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div><div style="text-align:center;">Gentleman Scott Sinclair (w/Julie Forletta) vs <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JmfOzFzYumo" rel="external nofollow">Dead Bolt</a> vs <div class="ipsEmbeddedVideo"><div><iframe width="200" height="150" src="https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/AZQxH_8raCI?feature=oembed" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen="" title="Spirit In The Sky Norman Greenbaum"></iframe></div></div> - OLD King of the Deathmatch Title Match - Hardcore Rules (29/E)</div> <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/BigSmackScott_zps5979f172.jpg vs http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/DeadBolt_zps027c4b76.jpg vs http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/TheDarknessWarrior_zps046e1ade.jpg</div> Pro Wrestling Hits and Scott Say: In a bout that had a good crowd and some decent in-ring action, The World's Greatest Wrestler defeated Dead Bolt and Raul Lightbringer in 14:57 when Gentleman Scott Sinclair defeated Raul Lightbringer with an Ego Trip. Gentleman Scott Sinclair wins the OLD King of the Deathmatch Title and gets the last laugh on Richard Eisen. Scott Sez: Man, are these workers stiff. I tried to call the match but Michael Bolton was like, "F--- that, Supreme Newbie!", potatoing me with a punch to the nose that nearly damn broke it but helped add to the blood and the gore. The most memorable point of the match was when I gave Raul Lightbringer a Shooting Smack Press, but he went "F--- you, Scott, that was an ordinary top-rope splash! And what about my white robe! What kinda booker are you anyway." Anyways, I tried to make sure the match was open and that all three of us were soaked in blood, and Raul and Bolt were both well ahead of me. I think I overdid it, though, when I tried to gaffe myself on the forehead - not only was I leakin' like a fawcett (ed. - That's how he really spelled it, no disrespect to the late Farrah!), but those stupid fans upfront were goin' "THIS IS FAKE! THIS IS FAKE!" over and over again until I safkjhkjbvkjdfbvkjvdfjbdsjfdskjdf... (ed. - I believe this is where Scott gets woozy and his head plops down on the keyboard because of all the blood he lost from that shoddy attempt to blade.) The Announcers Said: Turner (following Sinclair's win) - This is just what OLD has been looking for. A colorful character who's Jekyll-and-Hyde, shifting from gentleman to mushmouthed psycho in a matter of seconds. Here we have a veteran of the industry who's worked in the SWF and done quite well, might my add. ALL HAIL THE KING, SCOTT SINCLAIR! This man indeed has the potential of being OLD's answer to Sam Strong. McWade - Meaning somebody who calls everybody, includin' his hot 'n' sexy daughter Alicia whom I'd make out with in a second, "brother"? Meaning someone who stiffs his opponents in the ring while stiffin' them when it comes to pay just so he has enough money to buy a brand new sports car? Meaning someone who overlooks the transgressions of his son PJ just because he can pay for his dictionary-thick book of traffic tickets? I think Scott Sinclair is the WORST thing to happen to OLD. He is SWF's garbage, and what you saw out there was the phoniest-ass wrestling I had ever seen since Painful Procedure got here from Cornellville. Turner - You and I may disagree on everything, Dean, but I thank you for that bang-up job on commentary! And thank you, Scott Sinclair, for saving OLD! Till next month, this is Jerome Turner, and that was my good friend Dean McWade... McWade - ...f--- you! Turner - Saying good night and remember...you're never too OLD to brawl for beer! (raises his Pabst Blue Ribbon and pours it all over Dean McWade, who is trying his darndest not to retaliate)</div></blockquote> <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div>OVERALL GRADE - 31/E Increased Popularity in 1 Region The general feeling is that OLD doesn't have enough interesting storylines going on. (To which the Smacker responds with a middle-finger salute.)</div></blockquote>

3rdStringPG · September 25, 2013

Thirdy's Thoughts: Post-Show OOC

- Well, that was a longer show than I expected, but I must say I had a lot of fun writing it. Remember, OLD is booked by the inimitable Smacker, so do expect some controversial content from time to time. Still haven't decided on a prediction game prize, but here's how everyone stands after the first month:

1. Midnightnick - 100% (+5/5)

2. petecrimson00 - 80% (+4/5)

3. ajcrible - 60% (+3/5)

3. flaviooooo - 60% (+3/5)

3. shawn_waters - 60% (+3/5)

6. Boltinho - 20% (+1/5)

6. Psycho Sam - 20% (+1/5)

- Yes, the promotion name is OLD, but I'm doing what I could to push the younger guys. Was supposed to make The Altar Boys of Love go over, but Randall Hopkirk kept bitching about having to lose, despite Keep Strong and Protect. Adding Dominate might have changed his mind, but then again, that would really tank the grade.

- Looks like I need to focus more on the angles, since that's what seems to be grading the best. I keep getting these notes about the matches being too intense and the dangerous spots being too much for the crowd, but when I try to change the product, Fabulous Frank always puts me down and says my job is to run the company, not to change it. Bastard...

NEXT:

The Japanese are coming! No, OLD is not hiring Haruki Kudo...but BHOTWG and PGHW both want a piece of OLD's young talent! And speaking of Mr. Kudo...Fabulous Frank tells the Smacker that if he really wants a good, young worker, he might want to take a look at Kudo's number one fanboy. <img alt="" data-src="//content.invisioncic.com/g322608/emoticons/wink.png.686f06e511ee1fbf6bdc7d82f6831e53.png" src="<___base_url___>/applications/core/interface/js/spacer.png" />

3rdStringPG · September 26, 2013

Smacker's Log, 1/28/13, 8:00 a.m. The Offices of OLD Folks LLC, Orlando FL <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/FabulousFrank_zpsdf03e2ed.jpg</div> "SINCLAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIR!!!!!!!!" Oh, Julie...that thing you were wearing at Live and Let Die...it was, in the words of The Fashion Police, MAH-VELOUS. So tell me about the rumors you weren't wearin' anythin' underneath that night? "SINCLAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIR!!!!!!!!" Julie, I will gladly choke on your cigarette smoke just to spend one night with you and maybe more. You are the best thing to happen to me since Ana Garcia... "SINCLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIR!!!!!!!!" You are the only woman to call me a good in-ring worker. And for that, baby, we are gonna dance the Horizontal Big Smack Shuffle... "SCOTT SINCLAIR, I AM BEGINNING TO REGRET HIRING YOU AS OUR HEAD BOOKER!!!! Don't you do anything in that office of yours except sleep?" With that, Hurricane Frank blew into my office, givin' me the closest thing to air conditioning in the form of his stale coffee-and-cigarettes-and-Jack breath. As usual, he had an ax to grind with me. "READ THIS ARTICLE, SCOTT, AND FIND OUT WHY I'M BEGINNIN' TO LOSE MY FAITH IN YOU!!!" While I may be a wrestlin' god, I am not THE God, and if you've got any issues with losin' your faith, Frank, you might wanna take 'em up with Fr. Michael Everloving Herlihy. Oh, sorry. I forgot. He's not a real priest. But my dream from a few seconds ago was so real, but I had to remember Julie had a boyfriend back home in Montreal. And three kids. Whoopdedoo, a double-digit family of little Smackers! That is, if I could convince those ex-girlfriends and ex-wives of mine to give me custody. Now where was I? <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div>The Cageside Report - Indie Wrestling OLD Live and Let Die - Savannah Center Promenade, January 24, 2013 By Glenn Cross Thursday's first Original Legends Deathmatches show of the year was, in my esteemed opinion, a total fustercluck. From the tasteless gay storyline starring the former Grunt and Stink, the painfully trite hillbilly stereotypes starring the usual suspects (Al and Pete) and a couple new kayfabe yokels (KC Glenn and Buttercup) to the corny "odd couple" commentary of Jerome Turner and Dean McWade, Live and Let Die was an abortion from the first minute to the last, and I have to admit I was as uncomfortable with the excessive violence and bloodshed as most of the fans in the audience - except the chronic drunks and overweight ring rats who seemed to be enjoying themselves. [a couple pages of mindless pratter (ed. - BSS meant "prattle") about each of the matches] The absolute worst was saved for last, as Einstein, a.k.a. Scott Sinclair, has apparently booked himself as some Jekyll-and-Hyde type, a debonair man of mystery called Gentleman Scott Sinclair who turns into the rambling, screaming wreck of a Smacker we all wished would take his business elsewhere back when he was working in the SWF. Sinclair's work was best described by a few fans in front of me, who were shouting "THIS IS FAKE!" and "YOU F---ED UP!" as he showed everyone how NOT to blade in a wrestling match. Granted, blading will always be a practice I will not condone in a wrestling ring, but Sinclair's incompetent attempt was bad enough to make blading punishable by death! Sorry if I have to speak that way, but that's how bad Sinclair's in-ring performance was - even worse than what I got to see from hypocritical prayer warrior Raul Lightbringer and real- and reel-life ex-con Dead Bolt. Pro Wrestling Hits graded the event a 31, which I feel was way too nice. Indeed, OLD looks like a company bound to fail in the regional battles once PWH releases its results in the coming week.</div></blockquote> "What gives, Frank? I thought you liked it!", I complained. "Why should you give a damn about what the worst writer in Cageside Report has to say about our promotion? Then again, he has a point. Maybe the matches are too intense and physical." "And maybe you shouldn't be working here, Scotty. This is MY promotion, and as long as you are working here, you will focus on running the shows, not changing the f---ing product! Now let me tell you something. I've got this kid from Canada whom you may wanna take a look at." <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/TEW%202013/AlanParent_zpse1108a19.jpg</div> "Alan...Parent?" "It's pah-ront, ding-dong," said Frank's Red Hot, blowing smoke in my direction as if to remind me that I should know how to speak French because I've got the hots for Julie Forletta. "This is the guy you want to hire if you and KP are so hung-up on making OLD young." "What makes him so damn special anyway, Frank? All due disrespect, kid looks like he still lives with his mama Pah-Ront in whatever part of the country he lives in!" "He's not from here," said Frank. "He's from Drummondville." "What state is that in?" "It's a city in QUEBEC, you ding-dong! Haven't you been speakin' enough to that Forletta chick? My God, Scotty, you are such a flop with the ladies. Now as I was about to say, Alan could introduce a puroresu element to the promotion." "Puro-WHAT?" "Puroresu. It's Japanese for 'pro wrestling', and it's just the kind of stiff wrestling that could go over in these parts if we 'educate' our fanbase about it. But here's the problem with Alan. Actually two. One, he's a submission freak like those Gauge boys. Two, he can't talk if his life depended on it. With that in mind, I've researched on a few potential managers, and I think he'll work best with this Chinese-American girl Kammy Ling." "I don't get it, Frank. Alan's supposed to be reppin' resopuro or whatever you just called it, and we're givin' him a Chinese-American manager?" "NOBODY WILL NOTICE A DAMN THING!", screamed Racist Much Frank. "Now here's why I want you to make an exception to the rule and get Alan Parent to work for us. The Jap promotions are callin'. Pride Glory Honor. Burning Hammer. They want your man-crushes Matt and Greg and KC, and chances are very good that they'll win out." "Isn't there a way to sweeten the deals for those guys so they don't walk out and take their business to Japan?" "There is, but I'm afraid it's not part of this month's budget." That from a man who wears the same dirty-white OLD shirt twice a week to work, sometimes goes to work wearin' '80s-length basketball shorts or ripped jeans that last saw better days in the '70s. That from a man whose lack of fashion sense and expense and stingier-than-Sam-Strong accounting has allowed him to buy a flashy new Audi. I simply do not get this man. But I still say it beats workin' in Supreme with those pricks Eisen and Michaels.

3rdStringPG · September 27, 2013

OOC - The next card is up for prediction, but first, here's another office segment featuring one-time SWF diary BFF's KP Avatar and Big Smack Scott! As you'll see here, I have also decided to take on a Heidenreich Challenge of sorts in the form of generated worker Gijs Van Schalkwyk, a.k.a. Average Joe American, a deliberately-bland babyface. Smacker's Log, 2/4/13, 10:30 a.m. The Offices of OLD Folks LLC, Orlando FL I honestly don't know what I'd do if KP Avatar wasn't part of the booking team. In fact, I don't know what I woulda done had I decided not to hire KP Avatar. Now here's a man who makes a pitiance of a paycheck and he isn't just in charge of sounding off ideas. He's not just one of our younger and more promisin' workers. He's also OLD's ACCOUNTANT, and Fabulous Frank ain't payin' him extra to do that shit. Plus, he has the PWH Premium Account that I use, and that's saved me a good $49.95 a month. It was the start of a new month. Live and Let Die was but a memory now, but here we were, plannin' another card and comin' to terms that Greg, Matt and KC would likely be tourin' like rock stars with those Japanese companies. I finally decided to hire Alan Parent, but didn't see the need to pair 'im up with Crummy Lee or whatever that girl's name is. And KP...was stressin' himself out with all the extra work he had to do. Now he was here in my office with several pieces of paper - he sure knew how to take advantage of the "open door policy." MY door's always open because heck, my office doesn't even have a door anyway! <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/TEW%202013/KPAvatar.jpg</div> "Scott, the first month's financials are in." "Yeah? You're the brainiac in here. What do I care about numbers?" "The good news - we earned $9,308 in profit in January. The bad news - Frank's not happy with that. He's expecting MORE. You did talk to Alan Parent, right?" "Yeah, sure did, and he seems interested. Dunno about the manager idea, though. If she signs and we lose more money or if we don't make the profits Frank wants, then it's gonna be my ass on the plate and you know that." "Hmmmm," said KP, thinking for a bit. "I have serious reservations about Alan Parent. His psychology is the shits, if you know what I mean. But hell, Frank wants him to work for us while the Gauges and KC are touring, so we gotta do what he says. One more thing though, Scott." "Lay it on, Steve Jobs," I told KP, who apparently had one more thing to tell me. DUH! I kinda hate these "one more thing" announcements. In my case, it's usually bad news. "Frank wants you to hire this other kid, and I do mean kid! His name isn't even on the Pro Wrestling Hits database, but I'm almost sure he has no psychology whatsoever. Not to mention, no skills. But you might have heard of him. Does the name 'Gijs Van Schalkwyk' ring any bell?" "It sure as hell doesn't, KP! So can you please enlighten me on this bizarre alien we're hirin' to beef up the roster?" "In the summer of 2012, Gijs was the hottest prospect in European basketball. Duke, North Carolina, Kentucky, all the big schools, they were drooling over him. And he was all, 'Gijs Van Schalkwyk doesn't need the NCAA. The NCAA needs Gijs Van Schalkwyk.' But when he arrived here, he totally stunk up the SATs. Got a total score of 625. Still, he could've been the European Charles Barkley. Back then, he went 6'6"-265, but now he's closer to 300 pounds of muscle. Got a really great look that Richard Eisen would kill for." "Dammit, I did even better than the guy! Barely..." "Anyway, he's been doing some male modeling..." "Great! Put him in a stable with Jeff and Terry!" "And his English is very fluent, though with a bit of an accent. Quite a good actor too. He auditioned late last year for an evil Russian villain part in The S.E.A.L..." "That shitty Eric Eisen movie that's goin' straight to video?" "Exactly! But Richard Eisen turned him down because he was too young to play a Russian strongman. Now we're going to have to act quick, because Eisen still wants Gijs to wrestle for the SWF and spend some time in RIPW which, I believe, could mean two to three years AT LEAST. Frank wants him because, I dunno, maybe because he thinks the young workers you've hired are too talented to work in a Blood, Beer and Brawling promotion? Like you, Scott, I sometimes don't know what the hell's in that man's mind most of the time." "AVATAR!!!!!!!!!!" "Speaking of the devil, I think he wants to speak to me. Here, go check out the monthly report I made. You might find a few interesting things in there." Everything went past me as I skimmed through the report, but just for the heck of it, here's how things went in OLD for the month of January 2013. <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div><div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/OLD_zpsc9aeb9da.jpg</div> <div style="text-align:center;">OLD - ORIGINAL LEGENDS DEATHMATCHES MONTHLY REPORT - JANUARY 2013</div> TOTAL CASH - $259,308 PROFIT - $9,308 NEW WORKERS - Buttercup, Cameron L. Vessey, Gregory S. Gauge, Julie A. Forletta, Justin C. (Casey) Valentine, Kevin C. Glenn, Kirk P. Avatar, Matthew K. Gauge, Scott Esquire Sinclair WORKERS RELEASED - None. LAST EVENT - Live and Let Die, Savannah Center Promenade (Attendance - 400. Pro Wrestling Hits Grade - 31/E) REGIONAL BATTLE RANKINGS - 3rd of 3, Tri-State, 6th of 7, Southwest, 3rd of 4, Northwest, 3rd of 4, New England, 3rd of 3, Mid-South, 3rd of 3, Mid-Atlantic OLD KING OF THE DEATHMATCH CHAMPION - Gentleman Scott Sinclair OLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS - The Fashion Police (Jeffrey Grussmont and Terrence Stein) CHAMPIONS IN OTHER TERRITORIES - Lt. Cameron (MAW Mid-Atlantic Champion and Rip Chord Invitational Tournament Winner, as Cameron Vessey), Whisky Jack (LSW National Champion) <div style="text-align:center;">THE REST OF THE WORLD:</div> NEW RELATIONSHIPS - Hitomaro Suzuki and Lady Lotus (ZEN-J), Wraith and Emilia Reyes (Skull), Lance Martin and Melanie Florence (G6) ENGAGEMENTS - James Prudence (SWF) and Rita Charles WORKER DEATHS - None HALL OF IMMORTALS INDUCTIONS - None RANDOM INCIDENTS - Matt Sparrow (CZCW) hard drug use revealed, Razor Valentine returns from hiatus, Ultra Fly (BGW) overdoses, out 7 months COMPANY SIZE CHANGES - 5SSW down to Small, RA up to Small, Chivas up to Small, GSW up to Small, Hi-NRG up to Small, P-Girls up to Small, SWF CHAMPIONS - Steve Frehley (World), Angry Gilmore (North American), The Platinum Blondes (Tag Team) TCW CHAMPIONS - Wolf Hawkins (World), Aaron Andrews (International), Texas Buffalo (Tag Team), Flying Jimmy Foxx (All Action) USPW CHAMPIONS - Nicky Champion (World), Java (National), Tribal Warrior (TV), Melody (Women's), The Cold Warriors (Tag Team)</div></blockquote> <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div><div style="text-align:center;">PREDICTION KEY:</div> <div style="text-align:center;">OLD Painkiller Bob Martinez Sports Center (Florida, Southeast) Thursday, February 21, 2013 ????? vs Alan Parent The Hillbillys (Al, Pete and Casey) vs Dead Bolt, ????? and ????? Randall Hopkirk vs Altar Boy Matthew Man Mountain Metal vs Altar Boy Gregory Cop Vrewtality II vs The Fashion Police © - non-title match Gentleman Scott Sinclair © vs Raul Lightbringer - OLD King of the Deathmatch Title Match</div> BONUS QUESTION - Who will Big Smack Scott fire ahead of the next event, much to the chagrin of Fabulous Frank? A) Coyote Dynamite B) Hardcore Killah C) Lazy Joe D) Whisky Jack</div></blockquote>

Psycho Sam · September 27, 2013

PREDICTION KEY:

Now coming with free Michael Bolton DVD. Want a wrestler who can sing? No problem.

OLD Painkiller

Bob Martinez Sports Center (Florida, Southeast)

Thursday, February 21, 2013

????? vs Alan Parent

The Hillbillys (Al, Pete and Casey) vs Dead Bolt, ????? and ?????

Randall Hopkirk vs Altar Boy Matthew

Man Mountain Metal vs Altar Boy Gregory

Cop Vrewtality II vs The Fashion Police © - non-title match

Gentleman Scott Sinclair (c) vs Raul Lightbringer - OLD King of the Deathmatch Title Match

BONUS QUESTION - Who will Big Smack Scott fire ahead of the next event, much to the chagrin of Fabulous Frank?

A) Coyote Dynamite

B) Hardcore Killah

C) Lazy Joe

D) Whisky Jack

flaviooooo · September 27, 2013

OLD Painkiller

Bob Martinez Sports Center (Florida, Southeast)

Thursday, February 21, 2013

????? vs Alan Parent

The Hillbillys (Al, Pete and Casey) vs Dead Bolt, ????? and ?????

Randall Hopkirk vs Altar Boy Matthew

Man Mountain Metal vs Altar Boy Gregory

Cop Vrewtality II vs The Fashion Police © - non-title match

Gentleman Scott Sinclair © vs Raul Lightbringer - OLD King of the Deathmatch Title Match

BONUS QUESTION - Who will Big Smack Scott fire ahead of the next event, much to the chagrin of Fabulous Frank?

A) Coyote Dynamite

B) Hardcore Killah

C) Lazy Joe

D) Whisky Jack

MrSelfDestruct · September 27, 2013

PREDICTION KEY:

OLD Painkiller

Bob Martinez Sports Center (Florida, Southeast)

Thursday, February 21, 2013

????? vs Alan Parent

The Hillbillys (Al, Pete and Casey) vs Dead Bolt, ????? and ?????

Randall Hopkirk vs Altar Boy Matthew

Man Mountain Metal vs Altar Boy Gregory

Cop Vrewtality II vs The Fashion Police © - non-title match

Gentleman Scott Sinclair © vs Raul Lightbringer - OLD King of the Deathmatch Title Match

BONUS QUESTION - Who will Big Smack Scott fire ahead of the next event, much to the chagrin of Fabulous Frank?

A) Coyote Dynamite

B) Hardcore Killah

C) Lazy Joe

D) Whisky Jack

BlueStar · September 27, 2013

If Lazy Joe is fired, would he be aware of it? Or continue sleeping?

3rdStringPG · September 27, 2013

<blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-username="BlueStar" data-cite="BlueStar" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div>If Lazy Joe is fired, would he be aware of it? Or continue sleeping?</div></blockquote> I'd say he'd still be sleeping as Big Smack Scott enlists the help of Painful Procedure to cart Lazy Joe's behind to the OLD tour van and lock it up good so he doesn't escape and freak out when he realizes he's fired. It's not even sure if the Smacker will give Lazy Joe his walking papers, though he's among the four candidates at this point... Also, thanks to everyone for the predictions so far! Just a small cosmetic detail, but I should probably book the show at a smaller Florida/Southeast arena than Bob Martinez. Was mainly working off memory recall, and I just realized the Bob Martinez Sports Center is best for events where 2,000-3,000 fans are expected. <img alt=":p" data-src="//content.invisioncic.com/g322608/emoticons/tongue.png.ceb643b2956793497cef30b0e944be28.png" src="<___base_url___>/applications/core/interface/js/spacer.png" />

Midnightnick · September 27, 2013

????? vs Alan Parent

The Hillbillys (Al, Pete and Casey) vs Dead Bolt, ????? and ?????

Randall Hopkirk vs Altar Boy Matthew

Man Mountain Metal vs Altar Boy Gregory

Cop Vrewtality II vs The Fashion Police © - non-title match

Gentleman Scott Sinclair © vs Raul Lightbringer - OLD King of the Deathmatch Title Match

BONUS QUESTION - Who will Big Smack Scott fire ahead of the next event, much to the chagrin of Fabulous Frank?

A) Coyote Dynamite

B) Hardcore Killah

C) Lazy Joe

D) Whisky Jack

ajcrible · September 27, 2013

Really enjoying the direction of the show. I have to say that I, at least, am glad that the Gauges and KC Glenn were hired away as I look forward to how you develop less-talented characters to fill that void.

????? vs Alan Parent

Toss-up. Do you debut Parent strongly? Or is the ????? a surprise hire?

The Hillbillys (Al, Pete and Casey) vs Dead Bolt, ????? and ?????

Even with Casey potentially leaving, I see the Hillbilly push continuing.

Randall Hopkirk vs Altar Boy Matthew

Bye-bye Matty

Man Mountain Metal vs Altar Boy Gregory

You too Greggy

Cop Vrewtality II vs The Fashion Police © - non-title match

Setting up a title match at a future show.

Gentleman Scott Sinclair © vs Raul Lightbringer - OLD King of the Deathmatch Title Match

BSS *is* O.L.D.!

BONUS QUESTION - Who will Big Smack Scott fire ahead of the next event, much to the chagrin of Fabulous Frank?

A) Coyote Dynamite Wait, he's still on the roster?

B) Hardcore Killah

C) Lazy Joe

D) Whisky Jack

3rdStringPG · October 1, 2013

OOC - Lest you think this bad boy's another one-show wonder from the maker of the KP Avatar diaries, think again! <img alt="

" data-src="//content.invisioncic.com/g322608/emoticons/biggrin.png.929299b4c121f473b0026f3d6e74d189.png" src="<___base_url___>/applications/core/interface/js/spacer.png" /> I hope to post the next show sometime in the week, but making one final bump for predictions just in case I have Painkiller up in a day or two.

3rdStringPG · October 10, 2013

OOC - Open mouth, insert foot! Let's make this post the final bump for predictions. The main diary and work took up a lot of my time, but this diary's far from dead. Would have liked to post a backstage segment here, but that would give away the mystery firing a bit too early... <img alt="

" data-src="//content.invisioncic.com/g322608/emoticons/wink.png.686f06e511ee1fbf6bdc7d82f6831e53.png" src="<___base_url___>/applications/core/interface/js/spacer.png" />

Slayen · October 10, 2013

OLD Painkiller

Bob Martinez Sports Center (Florida, Southeast)

Thursday, February 21, 2013

????? vs Alan Parent

The Hillbillys (Al, Pete and Casey) vs Dead Bolt, ????? and ?????

Randall Hopkirk vs Altar Boy Matthew

Man Mountain Metal vs Altar Boy Gregory

Cop Vrewtality II vs The Fashion Police © - non-title match

Gentleman Scott Sinclair © vs Raul Lightbringer - OLD King of the Deathmatch Title Match

BONUS QUESTION - Who will Big Smack Scott fire ahead of the next event, much to the chagrin of Fabulous Frank?

A) Coyote Dynamite

B) Hardcore Killah

C) Lazy Joe

D) Whisky Jack

shawn_waters · October 10, 2013

OLD Painkiller

Bob Martinez Sports Center (Florida, Southeast)

Thursday, February 21, 2013

????? vs Alan Parent

The Hillbillys (Al, Pete and Casey) vs Dead Bolt, ????? and ?????

Randall Hopkirk vs Altar Boy Matthew

Man Mountain Metal vs Altar Boy Gregory

Cop Vrewtality II vs The Fashion Police © - non-title match

Gentleman Scott Sinclair © vs Raul Lightbringer - OLD King of the Deathmatch Title Match

BONUS QUESTION - Who will Big Smack Scott fire ahead of the next event, much to the chagrin of Fabulous Frank?

A) Coyote Dynamite

B) Hardcore Killah

C) Lazy Joe

D) Whisky Jack

3rdStringPG · October 11, 2013

OOC - Once again, the rains have taken away my weekend (seriously, what is it with weekend typhoons here in the Philippines?), and that means instead of having a couple beers after work, I'm bringing you beer, blood and brawling courtesy of OLD. Since the show looks to be up in a few hours, here's the next backstage segment, and the revelation of whom the Smacker is wishing the best in his future endeavors...of course, in the Smacker's own inimitable way.

(NOTE - The arena is supposed to be the "Dory Funk Arena", but since I don't include RW workers' names in a C-Verse diary, I have tweaked its name to the Mitch Haggans arena, named after the CV97 old-timer.)

Smacker's Log, 2/21/13, 5:30 p.m.

Mitch Haggans Arena, Ocala, FL

"So tonight would mark the last night you'll be seeing Greg, Matt and KC around for a while."

"Well, thank God!", said Murderous Fr. Mikey, whom I assumed was tryin' to get into character ahead of the show. That guy hated my guts from day one, and it's all because he was the man I replaced as head booker. "Damn offspring of Sam Keith bringin' their technical bullshit into a promotion like OLD? You really are stupid, Scott."

"I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that. Be thankful I've been off the juice for two months."

"YEAH RIGHT!" That was Michael Bolton, another non-believer in the Smacker. As you may know by now, Michael Bolton decided to call himself Dead Bolt because he was sick of people singin' "When a Man Loves a Woman" whenever he'd pass by. "There's three things certain in this world - death, taxes and Big Smack Scott gettin' 'roided up!"

Two months on the job and I was worse off than Randy Dangerfield. (ed. - obviously Scott meant "Rodney Dangerfield.") I wasn't gettin' no respect from these guys, may it be Dead Bolt, Fr. Michael, Randall Hopkirk, Ronnie Cahill, Whisky Jack, Aaron Mustafa the Hardcore Jobbah, Lazy Joe, Coyote Dynamite...

<div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/CoyoteDynamite_zps65e625f9.jpg</div>

Wait a minute...COYOTE DYNAMITE?!?!?

"What are you doing here, Don?"

"I work here, steroid boy. And it's COYOTE. Only people outside the industry call me Don."

"Didn't you get the letter I sent you?"

"What, the one with all the misspellings and grammatical mistakes?"

I had to pause for a while because that didn't sound like somethin' I sent. "Yes, Don. That one."

"It's COYOTE DYNAMITE, Big Smack Steroid Abuser! Now tell me why you haven't booked me in any matches in two months?"

"It's simple, DONALD. It's because I FIRED YOU VIA USPS. Hell, if I was Shane Sneer, I'd have fired you via FedEx, but you know like everyone else over here that I gotta scrimp and save, because this head booker job pays less than I'd earn cleanin' toilets at the OLD Folks LLC building."

"I didn't read your notice of termination. I threw it away the moment I saw that first-grade level spelling and grammar of yours. So book me, goddammit. Book me if you don't want me to go postal on your ass, Mr. USPS!"

Don Richards, the former Coyote Dynamite until I decided he was sir plus (ed. - Scott, it's "surplus"!) to our requirements, was really getting on my nerves. So I decided to do what any good booker would do to incoridgible workers like Don.

"If I can't fire you in written form, then I'll fire you orally." Somewhere, I could see Vessey, Valentine and the Gauges snickering with Mr. All Around, KP Avatar. Wonder why...

"Oh yeah? Why?" Man, this guy really, really didn't get it.

"Because you suck."

After I told Don the truth, he replied with a stiff punch to the face that only did me more favors and added more to my gritty onscreen character. Thankfully, security was able to drag the former Coyote Dynamite away, though I had a few more problems to worry about now that Don Richards was out of OLD, though still definitely old.

<div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/FabulousFrank_zpsdf03e2ed.jpg</div>

"SINCLAAAAAAAIRRRRRRRRRR!!!!"

Problems like that.

3rdStringPG · October 11, 2013

OOC - This OLD wrestlecrapfest is brought to you by: Google Translate, where making Alan Parent speak French is easier than achieving a grade of 50 or better on these shows! <img alt=":p" data-src="//content.invisioncic.com/g322608/emoticons/tongue.png.ceb643b2956793497cef30b0e944be28.png" src="<___base_url___>/applications/core/interface/js/spacer.png" /> Team Puwowesu - check out the shout-out in the KP Avatar segment. <img alt=";)" data-src="//content.invisioncic.com/g322608/emoticons/wink.png.686f06e511ee1fbf6bdc7d82f6831e53.png" src="<___base_url___>/applications/core/interface/js/spacer.png" /> Scott Steiner, for inspiring Big Smack Scott in each and every way possible. You are a credit to the English language, Mr. Steiner. And I still don't know who "Anna Berow" is. Brother Love Bruce Prichard, for helping Murderous Mikey see the light and become Fr. Michael Everloving Herlihy. AAAAAAHHHHH...LUUUUUURVE...YEWWWWWWWW!!!! The Lloyd, who finally came through with those kick-ass alts for the young police officers, the non-Darkness Raul, Sanctimonious Mikey and Altar Boys Gregory and Matthew! OLD Painkiller Mitch Haggans Arena (Florida, Southeast) Thursday, February 21, 2013 Hidden Ring Announcer (Fabulous Frank) - Coming to you LIVE from the House that Mitch Built, on the same street in Ocala, Florida where Mitch Haggans got his marijuana connection back in the '60s and the same arena where Mitch Haggans wrestled his final match against Fabulous Frank Roberts, we now present to you...PAINKILLER! As Scott Travis' blast beats kick off the <div class="ipsEmbeddedVideo"><div><iframe width="200" height="150" src="https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/WS6-vI70oc0?feature=oembed" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen="" title="Pain Killer - Judas Priest"></iframe></div></div>, OLD Painkiller is ushered in by a crudely-produced video of previous OLD matches, and finally by the promotion's two announcers, the "odd couple" of Jerome Turner and Dean McWade. <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/JeromeTurner_zpsf7631000.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/DeanMcWade_zps50bc8f61.jpg</div> Jerome Turner - Mannnnnnn, I love working with this guy. (pauses) Good evening, OLDsters! I'm Jerome Turner, and that's Dean McWade, and we're coming to you live on public access TV wherever it's available, as we present to you Original Legends Deathmatches' second event of the year...PAINKILLER! Sure could have used one, though, after Dead Bolt put the fear of God into me last month. Dean McWade (in a teasing voice) - Oh Jer-ry! Somebody didn't address Dead Bolt prop-er-ly! Turner - I mean...I mean...MISTER DEAD BOLT! McWade - Too late, Jerome, I'm tellin' the Boltster that you didn't call him mister. Anyway, we've got an explosive night of slobberkillers awaitin' all of you here at the Mitch Haggans Arena in Ocala, Florida. But first, because my heathen co-worker Jerome brought up the "fear of God" earlier, we've got another awe-inspiring sermon from the Holy Man himself, Fr. Michael Everloving Herlihy of the Church of Everloving. <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div><div style="text-align:center;">ANGLE - Fr. Michael Sermon/Rant About Sinclair (40/D-)</div> <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/MurderousMikeypriest_zps0963bcbc.jpg</div> Fr. Michael Everloving Herlihy - Let us aaaaaaaalllll remember, that we are in the holy presence...of the Lord. In the name of the father, and of the son, and of the holy spirit, Amen. (makes the Sign of the Cross) Last month, Original Legends Deathmatches was besmirched by the presence of an unmistakeable force of darkness. It was overcome by a force of great EEEEEE-VUHL that emanated...from the depths of HELL. Wrestling Hell, that is, a place known to its Galaxy of followers as SAYYYYYYTIN'S WRESTLIN' FEDERATION. Since the Devuhl is smart and cunning enough to disguise himself in the most innocuous of forms, it is known publicly, and on Wall Street, as the SUPREME WRESTLIN' FEDERATION. Who else would step into our rings and rep-rah-zent the powers of doom than Loo-sah-fer Eisen's favorite wrestler, Big Smack Scott Sinclair?!?!? He calls himself a Man of Mystery...a well-traveled individual who speaks dozens of different languages and wines and dines with that She-Devuhl of a harlot he calls his manager, Ms. Julie Forletta. How...and why...can a poor boy from the slums of that heckhole called O-High-Owwwww afford to do all that? Why, it's simple, brothers and sisters! It's because Big Smack Scott, Gentleman Scott Sinclair, or whatever you may call him, has sold his soul... (pauses for effect) ...TO THE DEVUHL! Audience - TESTIFY! TESTIFY! TESTIFY! Fr. Michael - That's right, brothers and sisters, TESTIFY! Show your love and support and offer your prayers for the everlovin' beacon of light called Raul Lightbringer. And please, please, PUH-LEAZZZZZZZE bow your heads in silence as we pray to the everlovin' Lawd in Heaven to guide our brother Raul to victory. (pauses) Dear Lawd, your son and our brother Raul Lightbringer may not have been victorious last month, but this month...THIS MONTH...we pray that Your everlovin' word ring true and that the powers of goodness and chastity prevail over the materialistic, hedonistic, ritualistic and DOWNRIGHT SADISTIC Gentleman Scott Sinclair. For the paying audience, we pray for Your hand to toucheth the hotdogs that they eat and turn 'em into broccoli. Toucheth the beer that they drink and turn it into nice, sparklin', EVERLOVIN' water. Let them live long, healthy and SALOOOOOOOOOO-BRIOUS lives, lives well spent with You in their hearts. This we ask, in your most holiest everlovin' name, Amen. In the name of the father, and of the son, and of the Holy Spirt, Amen. PRAISE THE EVERLOVIN' LAWD!!!! (pauses) Gregory, Matthew, you know what time it is. It is time to pass those collection plates around. People of Ocala, I now ask you...TO SHOW US YOUR TITHES!!!! Audience - SHOW THOSE TITHES! SHOW THOSE TITHES! SHOW THOSE TITHES! As usual, some women, a lot of them 40 and up and 250 pounds and heavier, pull up or unbutton their shirts, and much to Dean McWade's chagrin, a couple even hike up their skirts and dresses; these women, unfortunately, are anything but worthy of being called MILFs. McWade - When your audience has a collective IQ of 10, you get God-awful displays of heresy... Turner - Like those spewing from the mouth of Fr. Michael? McWade - NO, YOU DINGUS! I mean those 300-pound porkers in the audience, pullin' up their shirts and hikin' their skirts and TRAUMATIZING anybody who understands female beauty!</div></blockquote> <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div><div style="text-align:center;">ANGLE - Parent Issues Open Challenge (12/F)</div> <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/TEW%202013/AlanParent_zpse1108a19.jpg</div> Making his debut tonight for OLD is a man we haven't seen before - a young man with long, unruly blonde hair and a surname that isn't quite pronounced as it's spelled... Alan Parent - Good evening, Ocala, my name is Alan Parent. (takes a long pause) AND I...HATE...AMERICA!!!! Hell, you can even say I hate my home country of Canada, and you wanna know why? You wanna know why? YOU WANNA KNOW WHY? Because NOBODY, and I mean NOBODY, can wrestle in North America! All of you stupid Americans in particular are obsessed with the wrong kind of wrestling. The fake, phony-ass wrestling practiced by the likes of Tommy Cornell. Jack Bruce. Nicky Champion. Wrestling so fake even a 5-year-old Nicky Champion fan is gonna go MOMMY! DADDY! WRESTLING IS FAKE-ASS SHIT! And the parents are gonna be like, "Junior, you've got a dirty mouth!" And Junior's gonna be like, "AH, F--- YOU!!! Mommy and Daddy suck because they wike Nicky Champion! Goo-goo gaa-gaa, ba-ba-ruma-mama!" I think Lady Gaga's fake too, but that's another story for another time! Now where was I? Ah, yes! You stupid Americans and your love affair with fake wrestling! You know what's real? Japanese wrestling. Puroresu. Translated in English, which I believe you gator-eatin', cousin-kissin' yokels don't understand, that means PURE WRESTLING. That's what makes me sick with America and Canada! (entirely in French) Si quelqu'un veut intensifier et de voir ce que la lutte pure est comme, je mets au défi tous les vieux cons vous dans le vestiaire pour me montrer ce que tu as, et je vais vous montrer ce puroresu est tout au sujet. TOUS Vous, les Américains sont stupides! ET EST DONC CETTE PROMOTION!! États-Unis d'Amérique? (makes a spitting gesture) PTOOOOOOIIIIIIII!! McWade - I like this guy, Jerome. He says everything I have long wanted to say aboot my fellow Americans! Turner - I hope this cocky young newcomer LOSES to whomever takes him up on his open challenge! You just don't step into OLD acting like you can challenge anybody in this promotion. Of course, there are exceptions to the rule, such as Gentleman Scott Sinclair, our NEW King of the Deathmatch, but if you're a nobody from nowhere like Alan Parent, you just don't do that in here! McWade - And you just don't act like you're the Peter Michaels or Jason Azaria of OLD when it's just your second show! But maybe you ARE the Michaels or Azaria of OLD. Wanna know why? Because you suck, Jerome Turner! You S-U-C-K, suck! Turner - I'm actually honored by that, Dean. McWade - Oh, did I compliment you, Jerome? Because I take it right back and hereby declare you the ANA GARCIA OF OLD! Turner - OH, DEANO!!!! (playfully slaps McWade) </div></blockquote> <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div><div style="text-align:center;">ANGLE - Avatar Accepts Parent Challenge (20/E)</div> <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/TEW%202013/KPAvatar.jpg</div> KP Avatar - Hey Pah-ront! I hear you're new to these parts! You know what, buddy, here in America, we've got a saying which goes a little somethin' like this. (pauses) This is America...LOVE IT...or LEAVE IT!!! And I'mma be the first to ask you to leave, though I believe the people in the audience, most, if not all red-blooded Americans like myself, feel the same way too. So lemme hear it from all y'all, Ocala! USA! USA! Audience - CANADA! CANADA! Avatar - USA! USA! Audience - CANADA! CANADA! Parent - You're gonna have to give it up, mon ami, even if these stupid Americans didn't get it the first time around. (to the audience) Pure wrestling does not come from Canada, you boneheads! It comes from Japan, the Land of the Rising Sun! (pauses) People, I'm gonna say it nice and slow so your puny little stupid heads will understand. Ri-sing sun. Ri-sing sun. Audience - RISING SUN! RISING SUN! RISING SUN! RISING SUN! The crowd continues to cheer for Parent's favorite country Japan, while one audience member stands up, pulls up his shirt to reveal the words "TEAM PUWOWESU" written on his chest, and waves a tiny Japanese flag as he yells in a Scottish accent "LET'S GO, PAWENT!!!"</div></blockquote> <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div><div style="text-align:center;">KP Avatar vs Alan Parent (15/F)</div> <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/TEW%202013/KPAvatar.jpg vs http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/TEW%202013/AlanParent_zpse1108a19.jpg</div> Pro Wrestling Hits Sez: In a terrible match that had some truly awful wrestling, KP Avatar defeated Alan Parent in 4:09 by pinfall with a That Funky Funky Elbow Drop. Scott Sez: I concur. The Announcers Said: Nothing in relation to the match, lest they end up burying both wrestlers, KP Avatar for being an SWF-style brawler and Alan Parent for being Alan Parent.</div></blockquote> <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div><div style="text-align:center;">ANGLE - AMA Beats Down on Avatar (10/F)</div> <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/HardcoreKillah_zps164fd76d.jpg</div> Why is Hardcore Killah so upset with KP Avatar? We find out in this segment, as Hardcore Killah, now known as Aaron Mustafa "AMA" Avatar, hits the ring to beat down on his kayfabe son! Apparently, AMA's gimmick is that of a veteran gangbanger and drug dealer who looks down on rap music and education. We also learn what "KP" stands for in storyline, and it definitely isn't Kirk Patrick! Aaron Mustafa Avatar - What in God's name are you tryin' to pull, son? Hangin' out with those slick urban n----s listenin' to their Dr. E and Eazy-Dre, their Kanye Ross and their Rick West, their Mars Bar Mitchell Mothers or whoever that damn honky is. Them poser n----s done gonna get KILLED if they cross the path of them Bloods an' Crips! Goin' to the library instead of dealin' a key of yay just so we could have a li'l food on the table. What's that education ever gon' do to you aside from make y'all into some Uncle Tom? You are a disgrace, Khaleed Porterville Avatar. You are a disgrace to the Avatar name, and if you keep on pullin' the shit you be pullin', you can call yourself whatever you wanna, because I'mma shoot a hole in that birth certificate of yours and fo'get I ever f---ed yo' momma on a drunken night after the drive-by. Y'unnastan?</div></blockquote> <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div><div style="text-align:center;">ANGLE - Hillbillys TV Sitcom Parody (31/E)</div> <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/AlTheHillbilly_zps3fcaf0cc.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/PeteTheHillbilly_zps59032629.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/TEW%202013/KCGlenn_zpsae56120f.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/Buttercup_zpsb514b415.jpg</div> The next segment is a skit featuring Al, Pete and Casey the Hillbilly and their manager Buttercup, and it comes complete with canned laughter and bad hillbilly jokes co-written by college graduates and former honor students Alan Dale and Peter McCann. Buttercup - YEEEEEEE-HAWWWWWWWW!!!! It's taahm for another epuh-sode of OLD Hillbilly Hoedown, starrin' none other than mah cousins Al and Pete, both of whom Ah had relations with in the past year, mah cous'n' or nephew Casey, and yours truly, the Hoedown's favorite Hoe herself, Buttercup! (laughs flirtatiously as the crowd jeers "HOE BAG!") What's-a-matter? Ah meant a hoe, like a gardnin' tool! Y'alls don't have no hoes in the city? Ya do? So why'd ya put 'em hoes in a bag? Ah don't git it... The sitcom starts with Al the Hillbilly returning home from a long day of work down on the farm... Hillbilly Al - Honey, Ah'm home! Hillbilly Pete - Hey, what's wrong with 'ya, cous'n' Al? It's mah turn to says that to Buttercup! <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lwxu5VHWvjw" rel="external nofollow">(CANNED LAUGHTER)</a> Hillbilly Al - Looky here, cous'n' Pete, they musta be some kinda mistake! Ah say them "Honey Ah'm home" on Monday, Wednesday an' a Friday, y'all say it on Tuesday, Thursday an'a weekend after we git home from drinkum moonshine with Ricky Eyes and Randy Bumf! Or was that Zimmy Bumf, daymn, Ah dunno alreadys... Buttercup - Ah'm afraid cous'n' Pete's raaght, Kissin' Cous'n' Al, todays'm a Thursday and it's Pete's turn ta' call me Honey. So y'alls is gonna hafta call me bah mah giv'n name ta'day...Buttercup! (laughs flirtatiously) <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lwxu5VHWvjw" rel="external nofollow">(CANNED LAUGHTER)</a> Hillbilly Al (scratching his head) - What does them calendar says anyway? Hillbilly Pete - Why ask me, Cous'n' Al, Ah cain't read an' neither can yous or Buttercup! Maybe that city slickin' nephew of ours Casey can figger it out. Hillbilly Casey (checking the calendar) - It say here it's a Thursday, so it'm Pete's turn! Hillbilly Pete - Hey! That's no way ta' talk ta' your uncle, Casey! <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lwxu5VHWvjw" rel="external nofollow">(CANNED LAUGHTER)</a> Hillbilly Casey - When in doubt whether you're mah uncle or my cous'n', I don't say nothin'. Or sometimes, Ah says DUUUUUUUUUDE. And that reminds me...ah gots ta' go back to the city on Saturday, so y'alls is gonna hafta find some other way ta' figure out who says "Honey Ah'm home" after gettin' back from them's farmwork! Rock-paper-scissors perhaps? Here, lemme show y'alls how ta' do it. For about two minutes, Casey the Hillbilly teaches Al and Pete how to play rock-paper-scissors - this would normally take a minute, but for kayfabe hillbillies, two minutes is surprisingly quick. Hillbilly Al - Ah, dadgummit, whah does it always hafta happen at the wrong taahm! (pauses) But y'alls take care goin' back to your city mom and city dad, Casey. We's hillbilly uncles, cousins or relatives of yours, we's always gon' be there for 'ya. Hillbillies Al and Casey hug each other in a touching scene that is accompanied by an " <div class="ipsEmbeddedVideo"><div><iframe width="200" height="150" src="https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/ltjT25GyXTM?feature=oembed" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen="" title="Aww Sound Effect"></iframe></div></div>" from the canned sitcom audience. After this, Casey proceeds to hug his cousin, nephew, or whatever he's supposed to be Pete in another AWWWWW-inducing scene. Hillbilly Casey - Ah'm gonna miss...</div></blockquote> <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div><div style="text-align:center;">ANGLE - Dead Bolt, Whiskey Jack and AMA Beat Down on The Hillbillys (24/E)</div> <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/DeadBolt_zps027c4b76.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/WhiskyJack_zps081680b1.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/HardcoreKillah_zps164fd76d.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/AlTheHillbilly_zps3fcaf0cc.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/PeteTheHillbilly_zps59032629.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/TEW%202013/KCGlenn_zpsae56120f.jpg</div> Apparently having had enough of the bad comedy, the jailbird (Dead Bolt), the drunkard (Whisky Jack) and the drug dealer (Aaron Mustafa Avatar) destroy the crude sitcom parody stage and beat down on Casey the Hillbilly before he can complete his last line! This sends Buttercup into a tizzy and announcer Dean McWade laughing in delight as he too has had it with the OLD "Hillbilly Hoedown." Dead Bolt (off-mic) - THIS PROMOTION IS SERIOUS SHIT, HILLBILLYS!!!! WE DON'T NEED YOUR STUPID-ASS COMEDY! AMA (off-mic) - We ain't havin' any of this stuff go down in my hood! Buttercup - Ah assure y'alls, this ain't part of no Hillbilly Hoedown. (screams) AIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! SOMEBODY CALLS SECURITY! THESE CITY FOLKS 'EM TURNIN' MAH HOEDOWN INTO A BEATDOWN! Charles Hapstander (nervously approaching Buttercup) - Uh...this organization can't actually afford security, so...I think your, uh...kinfolk and Mr. Dead Bolt and company should have it out in the ring? Buttercup (kissing Hapstander in the cheek) - Oh, Chuckie, you is such a sweetheart. GO GET 'EM, HILLBILLY KINFOLK!</div></blockquote> <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div><div style="text-align:center;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-m13jH01YZM" rel="external nofollow">The Hillbillys</a> (w/Buttercup) vs Dead Bolt, Whisky Jack and Aaron Mustafa Avatar (28/E)</div> <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/AlTheHillbilly_zps3fcaf0cc.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/PeteTheHillbilly_zps59032629.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/TEW%202013/KCGlenn_zpsae56120f.jpg vs http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/DeadBolt_zps027c4b76.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/WhiskyJack_zps081680b1.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/HardcoreKillah_zps164fd76d.jpg</div> Pro Wrestling Hits Sez: In a match that had an average crowd reaction but featured terrible wrestling, Dead Bolt, Whisky Jack and Aaron Mustafa Avatar defeated The Hillbillys in 9:28 when Dead Bolt defeated Casey the Hillbilly by pinfall by using underhanded tactics. During the match we also had Buttercup distract Dead Bolt. Scott Sez: The heat The Hillbillys got was nucular, man. Hotter than a bottle of CaJohn's hot sauces, I tell 'ya. Al and Pete got major culture shock here in OLD; they're used to the kids fawnin' all over them in USPW, but here, it's the babyfaces whom the crowd wants to boo. It's a pity, though, about KC Glenn, a.k.a. Casey the Hillbilly. Though I could care less for his technical style of wrestling, he does have one thing most of the roster had somethin' like 50 years ago - youth. We need youth, and with KC and the Gauge twins headin' off to Japan in March, I'm gonna have to work with the same old OLD for the next few months. The Announcers Said: Turner (at 4:50 into the match) - WHISKY JACK HAS BUSTED THE YOUNGEST HILLBILLY, CASEY, WITH A BOTTLE OF HIS NAMESAKE!!!! YOU DON'T USE JACK DANIEL'S BOTTLES FOR THAT!!! YOU DRINK WHAT'S IN IT!!!! Dean, I think the referee's real first name is Raymond. You know, Ray Charles Hapstander? McWade - You, sir, are cornier than The Hillbillys.</div></blockquote> <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div><div style="text-align:center;">ANGLE - Sinclair Promo (54/D)</div> <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/JulieForletta_zps73bb55d0.jpg</div> Julie Forletta - Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to present to you, the man of the moment, Original Legends Deathmatches' Mr. Renaissance, fresh from his lunch meeting with Tim Cook, Steve Ballmer, Mark Cuban and the Miami Heat's LeBron James...YOUR King of the Deathmatch, Gentleman Scott Sinclair!!!! Turner - You know what, Dean, Julie Forletta may be a bit too old for my tastes, but I wonder if there's anything underneath that tight black number she's wearing right now. McWade - Nothin' you'd be interested in, Jerome, so shut up and pay attention, because your boyfriend's about to bore the living snot outta these poor fans. <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/BigSmackScott_zps5979f172.jpg</div> Gentleman Scott Sinclair - Merci, Madame Forletta. (pauses) Last month, at Live and Let Die, I had, for the first time in my life, won a singles title. Though it may not be as prestigious as the piece of hardware currently being held by Steve Frehley, it is nonetheless a first, and for me, a milestone in my long and storied career. For while I have amassed a number of animal trophies whilst hunting in the jungles of Africa... Audience Member #1 - PETA's GONNA HAVE YOUR ASS, LOSER!!!! Sinclair - ...While I have been to Georgia and California... Audience Member #2 - THAT SONG SUCKS!!!! The camera briefly focuses on the ring, which is slowly but surely getting filled up with trash - hotdog wrappers, beer cans, apples, rotten eggs, tampons, you name it. Sinclair - ...While I have been on a search for Bobby Fischer and a hunt for Red October... Audience Member #3 - YOU'RE NOT MAKING ANY SENSE!!! Finally having had enough, another audience member throws an ice cream sandwich at Gentleman Scott Sinclair, hitting him squarely on the face. Sinclair (wiping the chocolatey treat off his face) - Hmmmm...that was an ice cream sandwich. Android four point oh. A lubugrious operating system, if you ask me. (pauses as he turns into the Smacker of old, meaning the Smacker of SWF) WEMME TEWWYAH SUMPIN', OLDSTERS!!!! I'M SICK AND TIRE OF YOU PEEPOW NOT GIVIN' ME ANY RESPECK! RESPECK, YOU HEARD ME?!?!? I DIDN'T GET IT IN THE ESS-DUBYAHHHH-EFFFF, AND I SURE AS HEWW AIN'T GETTIN' IT HERE IN OWD!!!! LAST MONTH, I BEAT THE CRAP OUTTA TWO MEN...TWO MEN WHOM RICHARD EISEN ISN'T GONNA TOUCH WITH A TEN-FOOT POWE...DEAD BOWT AND RAOOOUW WIGHTBRINGAH...AND WHAT DO I GET FROM YOU PEEPOW?!?!? YOU PEWT ME WITH DEBREES AND TREAT ME LIKE A MAN WITH THE PLAGUE!!!! AND NOW ONE OF THOSE MEN, RAOOOUW WIGHTBRINGAH, WANTS TO SUFFER MORE PAIN AT THE HANDS OF THE SMACKAH?!?!? WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KINDA SUCKA FOW PUNISHMENT?!?!? (points to the OldTube - no relation to YouTube) AND NOW YOU SEE ANNA BEROW HOW I PINNED RAOUUUW WIGHTBRINGAH WIDDA EGO TRIP? HOW'D YA WIKE THAT, GOD BOY?!?!? (pauses to catch his breath) RAOOOOUW, YOU TEWW THAT BALD-HEADED, DRESS-WEARIN', FIRE AND BRIMSTONE-PREACHIN' FR. MICHAEL OF YOUWS...THAT IF HE THINKS THE SMACKAH CAME FROM WRESTLIN' HEWW, I'M GONNA BE GLAD TO TAKE YOU TWO AND THOSE EVA'LOVIN' ALTAR BOYS DOWN WITH ME!!!! AND DON'T COME ASKIN' ME FOR A SECON' CHANCE ADDA TITLE IF YOU LOSE...BITCH! Turner - If Raul Lightbringer loses tonight and asks for a rematch, that's going to be his THIRD chance! Still, I see no reason why Gentleman Scott Sinclair is going to lose tonight! McWade - You two really must be gettin' it on real good, huh, Jerome? Why, you're the only person who understands what that guy's talkin' about when he goes all Jekyll-and-Hyde and reverts to his old SWF persona! Sinclair (back to "gentleman" mode) - Fich dich, OLDsters. That's "I love you" in German. It's not sure how many of these fans are aware that Sinclair has just cursed them in German, but as he's wrestling as a babyface and a known ex-SWF Superstar, the crowd pelts him with even more debris while catcalling him with the words "ROID RAGE! ROID RAGE!"</div></blockquote> <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div><div style="text-align:center;">ANGLE - Lazy Joe Sleeps (19/E)</div> <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/LazyJoe_zpsfd58efe9.jpg</div> McWade - Lazy Joe has just slept through yet another Original Legends Deathmatches presentation, and yet another incoherent Gentleman Scott Sinclair tirade. What does this guy eat for dinner anyway, Valiums? Turner - Never underestimate the capabilities of a sleeping giant, though Lazy Joe certainly isn't someone you'd call a giant. Compared to the average adult male, yes, Lazy Joe is quite large, but... McWade - But you contradicted yourself, Jerome. I don't know what bingo hall our owner Fabulous Frank picked you out from, but you are the worst announcer I have ever worked with! Such a pathetic HOSER! Turner - Number of "oots" uttered by Dean McWade tonight - 16. Number of "aboots" uttered - 7, and closing in on double digits. McWade - What are you exactly tryin' to prove, Jerome? That I'm from the nosy neighbor country up north and not a hardworking lumberjack from Bellingham, Wershington? I really resent that, eh? Turner - Number of "ehs" uttered by Dean in an un-ironic fashion - 25.</div></blockquote> <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div><div style="text-align:center;">ANGLE - ????? Destroys Lazy Joe (30/E)</div> <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/CVFP_WhiteMale_085_zpsed5efa60.jpg</div> Turner - HEAVENS TO MURGATROYD!!!! LAZY JOE HAS JUST BEEN ANNIHILATED!!!! McWade - Well, it's about bleeping time that somebody woke him up! Turner - The funny thing is...IS THAT HE'S STILL SLEEPING! McWade - You are a sick man, didn't you know that? Do you actually find it funny that Lazy Joe has failed to wake up even as this monster decimates him, sight unseen? That said, I think I like the look of this masked man. I don't know who he is... Turner - And neither do I... McWade - WHO ASKED YOU ANYWAY?!?!? As I was saying, this masked man could be a very special addition to the OLD roster, especially with a chokeslam like the one he just delivered to useless Lazy Joe. That being said, the chokeslam looked very crude and uncoordinated, but it's just what Fabulous Frank wants to see out of his new worker, who remains unnamed as of this show.</div></blockquote> <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div><div style="text-align:center;"> <div class="ipsEmbeddedVideo"><div><iframe width="200" height="150" src="https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/AZQxH_8raCI?feature=oembed" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen="" title="Spirit In The Sky Norman Greenbaum"></iframe></div></div> (w/Man Mountain Metal) vs Altar Boy Matthew (w/Altar Boy Gregory) (39/D-)</div> <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/RandallHopkirkalt_zpsf47117cb.jpg vs http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/MatthewKeithaltarboy_zpsb29c2229.jpg</div> Pro Wrestling Hits Sez: In a bout that had a good crowd and some decent in-ring action, Altar Boy Matthew defeated Randall Hopkirk in 9:23 by submission with a Proton Lock. Scott Sez: PWH called it a Proton Lock? I guess that works out since they know everything. Matt's wrestling style is not my cup of black coffee, but I suppose his style appeals to the five percent minority in the audience - the smarks who appreciate technical wrestling and are probably like, "I saw Matthew Keith at this indie show in Ocala, and he made 350-pound Randall Hopkirk submit to the Proton Lock!", or "The announcers kept calling him Altar Boy Matthew, but he'll always be Matthew Keith to me!" Hey, wait a minute. This ain't the SWF no more! This isn't a place where smarks still call Paul Huntingdon Lord Geoffrey Windameer coz that's the name he used in the indies! Anyway, I had to bribe Randall with a case of beer to convince him to do the job. Had him control most of the match, but hey, it's a dirty job but someone's gotta do it. The Announcers Said: Fr. Michael (at 9:05, as Altar Boy Matthew applies his finisher) - Repent for your sins, Randall Hopkirk. Judgment Day is nigh, Randall Hopkirk, pray that the Lawd will grant thee Everlovin' salvation despite the fact that you enter to the music of a band whose members' names are Cronos, Mantas and Abaddon! McWade - Hey! How did you know the names of Venom's members? Fr. Michael - When you're a man of the cloth like myself, you have to know the names of the enemies you're fighting! Turner - Hopkirk tapped out! Hopkirk tapped out! Fr. Michael (standing up) - PRAISE THE LORD! HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH! Christian Faith, that heretic from SAYYYYYYYTIN'S WRESTLIN' FEDERATION, has nothing on my Altar Boys of LOVE!</div></blockquote> <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div><div style="text-align:center;">ANGLE - Painful Procedure Beats Down on Altar Boy Matthew (44/D-)</div> <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/ManMountainCahill_zpsa57a7a1b.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/RandallHopkirkalt_zpsf47117cb.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/MatthewKeithaltarboy_zpsb29c2229.jpg</div> As Altar Boy Matthew celebrates his victory by genuflecting, Man Mountain Metal hits the ring, and starts beating down on Matthew, with a recovered Randall Hopkirk joining in the fray! This angers Fr. Michael, who tells referee Charles Hapstander to make a second match between Triple M and Altar Boy Gregory. McWade - That's what happens when you use moves like that to make your opponents submit. Turner - YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING, DEAN! That was the closest I've seen to the Proton Lock since Sam Keith used to apply it back in the day! McWade - Sam Keith MY ASS! If Sam Keith dragged his wrinkled old behind into our ring, I bet you Dead Bolt would make him wish he never entered this business! Now I may like Fr. Michael and find his words of praise and salvation very enlightenin', but these Altar Boys of his belong in a garbage dump like SWF or TCW. What do you think, Jerome? Turner - I think you're right, but I wouldn't call the SWF a garbage dump. After all, Gentleman Scott Sinclair came from there, and you know how he's the best thing to happen to Original Legends Deathmatches since the deathmatches themselves!</div></blockquote> <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div><div style="text-align:center;">ANGLE - The Fashion Police and Cop Vrewtality II Argue (36/D-)</div> <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/Grunt_jhd3_zps82ff7539.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/Stink_jhd4_zps2ee1af5b.jpg</div> Meanwhile, at the locker room... Jeffrey Grussmont - You are looking fab-you-lous, Terrence! I want you to SHAKE THAT THANG and shake it like you mean it! (pauses and observes his partner, Terrence Stein, strut around in his sleeveless shirt/hot pants cop uniform) Donatella is so gonna love what you're rocking tonight! Terrence Stein - Oh, you...hihihihihi! I just think the cops of today kinda look BORING in the uniforms they wear. Grussmont - Cops like...Lt. Cameron and Cpl. Valentine? (laughs) Stein - I KNOW, RIGHT! They sure surprised us in the ring last week, but when you've got a wardrobe emergency, who're you gonna call, the real cops or The Fashion Police? Grussmont and Stein (flirtatiously looking at the camera) - The Fashion Police. The impromptu locker room fashion show is interrupted by the arrival of the "real" police officers, Lt. Cameron and Cpl. "PoPo" Valentine, both of whom are not amused one bit with Grussmont and Stein's outlandish, and conspicuously tight version of their uniforms. <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/CameronVesseycop_zps02f9e08b.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/CaseyValentinecop_zps63a848de.jpg</div> Lt. Cameron - What in the name of Colombo is goin' on in this locker room? Cpl. Valentine - Where did you get those uniforms? Stein - ..... Cpl. Valentine (grabbing Stein by his uniform collar) - You better look at me when I'm talkin' to you, Stein, where did you get the uniforms? Grussmont (sheepishly) - Uh, I-I-I'll answer that, Officer. We stole 'em, er...borrowed 'em from your gym bags. (pauses, then suddenly becomes cheery again) But we IMPROVED them for you, Officers! Stein - With the magic of modern haute couture, we have turned boring, plain vanilla cop uniforms into stylish numbers that just scream out, "Officer, ARREST ME NOW and lock me up in your arms FOR LIFE!" Grussmont - Since we are obviously, uh...large men, the unis didn't seem to fit at first, but somehow, they look even better when they're tighter! You've got to get me your commanding officer, because... Lt. Cameron - No time for that shit, Fashion Police, because last month at Live and Let Die, you cheated. Cpl. Valentine - You sprayed me with that women's perfume you carry around. And you know how badly that stung? That forced me to wear my sunglasses at NIGHT! You nearly blinded me out there! Grussmont - Sunglasses at night, huh? You are as '80s as your partner's moustache, Officer Valentine. Lt. Cameron - In case you didn't know, Fashion Police, we got your weapons before you two could even think of assaulting two respected police officers even further. Cpl. Valentine - You stole our extra uniforms, we still got our main ones. And most of all, we got your ladies' perfume. (tosses the perfume bottle to Lt. Cameron) KEEP AWAY! The two kayfabe cops play "keep away" with The Fashion Police's foreign object from the last match for a few seconds, until the bottle shatters on the floor, angering both Grussmont and Stein. And apparently, the perfume bottle has a name - Calvin, as in Klein! Grussmont - Oh, the horrors... Stein - Internal Affairs is so gonna hear about you two and your abuse of authority. (shakes his fist) Grussmont - You mess with Calvin, you mess with both of us. (sticks out his tongue)</div></blockquote> <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div><div style="text-align:center;">Man Mountain Metal (w/Randall Hopkirk) vs Altar Boy Gregory (w/Altar Boy Matthew) (36/D-)</div> <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/ManMountainCahill_zpsa57a7a1b.jpg vs http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/GregGaugealtarboy_zps63779f11.jpg</div> Pro Wrestling Hits Sez: In a bout that had a good crowd and some decent in-ring action, Man Mountain Metal defeated Altar Boy Gregory in 7:34 by pinfall by using underhanded tactics. During the match we also had Fr. Michael Everloving Herlihy distract Metal. Scott Sez: As Greg's less well-known than Matt in the U.S., I decided to split things by havin' him do the job to Ronnie. And I decided to use this match as my chance to prove to Frank that the Gauge boys could hold up in the OLD environment. Ronnie had exquisite (ed. - Scott meant "explicit") instructions to help blade Greg in this match, and he didn't disappoint. I know Sam Keith's gonna be proud of me for bein' the booker that convinced his sons to get a few gig marks and draw some color for the benefit of bloodthirsty hicks at an indie wrestling show. The Announcers Said: Fr. Michael (at 5:00, as Triple M smears his face with some of Altar Boy Gregory's blood) - These rituals of EEEEEEE-VUHL are exactly what makes me want to pray for the souls of Painful Procedure. </div></blockquote> <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div><div style="text-align:center;">ANGLE - The Altar Boys of Love Quit Promotion (21/E)</div> <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/GregGaugealtarboy_zps63779f11.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/MatthewKeithaltarboy_zpsb29c2229.jpg</div> Altar Boy Matthew - This has got to stop, Fr. Michael. My brother Gregory was bleeding like a faucet out there while I was beaten up by those two devil-worshippers after I had one of 'em in the Confession Hold. Altar Boy Gregory - There is just too much sin in this promotion, Father! Just from the name alone - Original Legends Deathmatches - I don't know how many Our Fathers and Hail Marys we'll have to pray just to save these wayward souls. Fr. Michael - Matthew, Gregory, my everlovin' Altar Boys of Love...I respect your decision, but before he became Raul Lightbringer, your brother in the Lawd Raul...he used to call himself The Darkness Warrior. He used to fraternize with in-duh-viduals like Painful Procedure. Before he bowed down to the G.O.A.T., meaning The Greatest of All Time, he bowed down to a goat, meanin' the EEEEEE-VUHL FARM ANIMAL USED AS A SYMBOLISM... Altar Boy Gregory (angrily yanking off his collar and cussing, much to Fr. Michael's displeasure) - Ah, f--- that, Father Mike! We're splitting this joint and that is final! Altar Boy Matthew - And by the way...I kinda liked Painful Procedure's ring music. Kinda catchy, I must add. Fr. Michael - Gregory, I cannot believe I have just heard that from you...that will be one Our Father, three Hail Marys... Altar Boy Matthew (winking his eye) - We'll pray 'em at home, Father. But first, we've got to get stitched up because of all the B.S. you put us through as your Altar Boys... Fr. Michael - Matthew, for abbreviating an unholy word, that's one Our Father and one... (notices his Altar Boys have both left the locker room in a huff) The Lawd will provide as long as I have my Everlovin' beacon of light, Raul Lightbringer, at His service and mine! And Altar Boys...you'll be back. And that I know is true like I know Raul Lightbringer will beat that SWF heathen Scott Sinclair into a life of chastity, abstinence...and CELIBACY.</div></blockquote> <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div><div style="text-align:center;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A9fN-9fU2N4" rel="external nofollow">Cop Vrewtality II</a> vs <div class="ipsEmbeddedVideo"><div><iframe width="200" height="150" src="https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/Nqs6FzpsVTA?feature=oembed" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen="" title="RuPaul - Supermodel - Official Music Video - HQ"></iframe></div></div> © - non-title match (38/D-)</div> <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/CameronVesseycop_zps02f9e08b.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/CaseyValentinecop_zps63a848de.jpg vs http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/Grunt_jhd3_zps82ff7539.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/Stink_jhd4_zps2ee1af5b.jpg</div> Pro Wrestling Hits Sez: In a bout that had a good crowd and some decent in-ring action, Cop Vrewtality II defeated The Fashion Police in 12:27 when Lt. Cameron defeated Jeffrey Grussmont by pinfall with a Spinning Death Valley Driver. Scott Sez: Jeff didn't like the way I had booked this match, mainly because he was tiring by the tenth minute or so. But who cares? I let The Fashion Police wrestle entirely like the Grunt and Stink who once tore TCW apart with their ugly-ass wrestling, and without their perfume bottle Calvin, they were angrier than usual out there. As for the young'uns who used to be called C-V-2, what can I say? Casey's better than his uncle Peter and Cameron executes that Vessey Driver like his dad Larry and uncle Bryan could. Cam and I had hit it off because his uncle Bry and me have a common connection, but when I offered to set Cam up so that he could put about 20 more pounds in that 230-pound frame of his, he politely refused. I mean, I'm already off the juice, but I'm not above spreadin' the good word to young talents who want to see what the buzz is about! The Announcers Said: Turner (at 7:00, following a Fashionista Flop from Stein to Cameron) - HEAVENS TO MURGATROYD!!! FASHIONISTA FLOP ON THE STEEL STEPS!!!! I know the average OLDstar can get up from something like that, but a police officer who only started wrestling last month? McWade - He's a RINGER, Jerome, Lt. Cameron is not a real police officer! He's just some whacked-out college kid with a fake Magnum P.I. moustache and an amateur wrestling background that thought he could throw down with the likes of Jeffrey Grussmont and Terrence Stein! Have you ever seen cops play keep-away with a bottle of cologne? Turner - You'll be surprised, Dean, but a lot of policemen are into that whole abuse-of-power thing, acting like overgrown grade school bullies. But I wouldn't completely fault Officers Cameron and Valentine. They're young, and to be fair, The Fashion Police started it by stealing those uniforms and DISRESPECTING everything law enforcement is supposed to stand for! McWade - Oh, give me a bleeping break. You'd probably wear one of those Grussmont and Stein designs if they sold 'em at that hole-in-the-wall store I know you visit. Makes for a little roleplaying fun with your partner, eh? Turner - I'll have you know that my wife doesn't care much for role play, just like I'm not really a fan of that tasteless cop uniform The Fashion Police had created! McWade - Lie again about having a wife, Jerome, and I'm REALLY telling Dead Bolt you didn't call him Mister a little while back.</div></blockquote> <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div><div style="text-align:center;"><div style="text-align:center;">ANGLE - Fr. Michael Hypes Lightbringer vs Sinclair (36/D-)</div></div> <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/MurderousMikeypriest_zps0963bcbc.jpg</div> Buttercup - G'evenin' once again, Ah is Buttercup the Hillbilly, and just to let y'alls know, Al and Pete are doin' just faahn backstage, and swear ta' square-dance rings around Dead Bolt an' Whisky Jack an' Aaron Mustafa Avatar an' anyone else who traahs to mess with the hillbilly way! But for now, Ah'm interviewin' a man of God who buh-lieves his Beac'n' of Laaght, whatever that means, is goin' ta' beat Gentleman Scott Sinclair for the King of the Deathmatch title just laahk he shoulda last months at Live 'n' Let Dah. (extends her hand) Fr. Mah-kull, Ah is Buttercup. Fr. Michael - And I pray that one day, sister in the Lawd, that you will one day learn how to speak proper and articulate English. But that's okay, sister Buttercup, because Gawd loves us all, regardless of what language we speak or how we speak it. Buttercup - Whah, thaynk you, Fr. Mah-kull! (laughs flirtatiously) Fr. Michael - Still, I wish you would wear something more chaste and presentable on next month's show. (pauses) I can see your soul comin' out of that checkered shirt of yours... Buttercup - Mah...soul? (scratches her head) Ah don't git it, Fr... Fr. Michael - But let's cut to the chase here, okay? You are here to interview me about my Beacon of Light, Raul Lightbringer, and ask me about how he will claim the belt that he so rightfully deserves, because he has been SAVED! Saved from a life of darkness and EEEEEE-VUHL hangin' out with Jack Bruce's former agents of doom Painful Procedure. And with Raul having been saved, he has the Lawd's guidance as he goes toe-to-toe with Loo-sah-fer Eisen's favorite son Scott Sinclair! And even as Sinclair has strayed from Eisen's flock...he is still the embodiment of all that we pray may be vanquished from OLD... (shakes Buttercup violently) Pray with me, sister Buttercup...pray that Raul Lightbringer wins that King of the Deathmatches title against Scott Sinclair! Gentleman Scott Sinclair is no gentleman. He is PURE EEEEEEEE-VUHL!!!!!!! He speaks in tongues and turns into a madman when pelted with the refuse of our brothers and sisters who will not stand for his nefarious ways! Buttercup - Ah, Ah, Ah...to be honest with 'ya, Fr. Mah-kull, Ah hayve nothin' agaynst Scott Sinclair, and if y'all ask me, Ah kinda find him cute... Fr. Michael - Then I declare this interview OVER, sister Buttercup! May the everlovin' Lawd have mercy on your misguided soul. Fr. Michael leaves the interview area backstage, leaving Buttercup dumbfounded because... Buttercup - ...Ah didn't even get to ask 'im any questions!</div></blockquote> <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div><div style="text-align:center;"> <div class="ipsEmbeddedVideo"><div><iframe width="200" height="113" src="https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/Ii1tc493bZM?feature=oembed" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen="" title="James Bond 007 Movie Theme Music"></iframe></div></div> © (w/Julie Forletta) vs Raul Lightbringer (w/Fr. Michael Everloving Herlihy) - OLD King of the Deathmatch Title Match (50/D)</div> <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/BigSmackScott_zps5979f172.jpg vs http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/RaulDarknesslightbringer_zpsf7111da8.jpg</div> Pro Wrestling Hits Sez: In a bout that had a good crowd and some decent in-ring action, Gentleman Scott Sinclair defeated Raul Lightbringer in 13:44 by pinfall with an Ego Trip after Julie Forletta interfered. During the match we also had Fr. Michael Everloving Herlihy distract Gentleman Scott Sinclair. Gentleman Scott Sinclair makes defense number 1 of his OLD King of the Deathmatch title. Scott Sez: Mikey is just as murderous as ever. Guy put his heart and soul into the match, even if all he had to do was distract me. I coulda sworn I heard him break character and use some profanity against me! But I think I did a much better job here bladin' myself. I cut right where I should cut the thing, and while I still leaked like a fawcett (ed. - Scott's spelling is driving me crazy), at least it wasn't as bad as last time. By the eighth minute of the match, we were both bathed in our own blood, but this time, I think the fans appreciated the violence. Heard a lot of shouts of "TESTIFY! TESTIFY!" as Raul repeatedly smashed me against the ring post and asked me to repent, and fortunately no cries of "THIS IS FAKE!" Julie did well in handin' me Mikey's gimmicked pulpit, which I used to bash Raul before finishin' him off with the Shooting Smack Press. Always a sight to see! The Announcers Said: McWade (following Sinclair's win) - I hope you're happy now, Jerome. OLD's holiest holy man, Fr. Michael Everloving Herlihy, has lost his Altar Boys, and his Beacon of Light has lost two straight title matches. Why? Because your boyfriend Scott Sinclair is a man with no respect for God, and no respect for the people who spread His word! Turner - And I think he's lost his mind as well! Look at Fr. Michael, ranting and raving as Sinclair holds up his King of the Deathmatch belt! And LOOK AT JULIE FORLETTA! Once you get past the fact that she's a little on the old side, va-va-voom! McWade - And look at her light up that cancer stick. Turner - It's a victory cigarette, Dean! And I think I'm gonna have one myself. (lights up a cigarette, blows smoke in McWade's direction, and coughs violently) Till next month (cough, cough), this is Jerome Turner, and that was my good friend Dean McWade... McWade - I am definitely telling Dead Bolt about what you said, or what you failed to say! Turner - Saying good night and remember...you're never too OLD to brawl for beer! (again gives McWade his monthly beer bath, as he tries his best to avoid beating the crap out of Turner)</div></blockquote> <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div>OVERALL GRADE - 47/D- Increased Popularity in 1 Region</div></blockquote>

Big Roguey · October 11, 2013

<blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div>while one audience member stands up, pulls up his shirt to reveal the words "TEAM PUWOWESU" written on his chest, and waves a tiny Japanese flag as he yells in a Scottish accent "LET'S GO, PAWENT!!!"</div></blockquote> Yeah, I would totally do this (assuming you meant me by the lone Scotsman in Team Puwowesu?) <img alt=":p" data-src="//content.invisioncic.com/g322608/emoticons/tongue.png.ceb643b2956793497cef30b0e944be28.png" src="<___base_url___>/applications/core/interface/js/spacer.png">

Psycho Sam · October 11, 2013

<blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-username="MichiganHero" data-cite="MichiganHero" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div>Yeah, I would totally do this</div></blockquote> Agreed. <img alt=":D" data-src="//content.invisioncic.com/g322608/emoticons/biggrin.png.929299b4c121f473b0026f3d6e74d189.png" src="<___base_url___>/applications/core/interface/js/spacer.png" /> Show was great, can't wait to see more. <img alt=":)" data-src="//content.invisioncic.com/g322608/emoticons/smile.png.142cfa0a1cd2925c0463c1d00f499df2.png" src="<___base_url___>/applications/core/interface/js/spacer.png" />

3rdStringPG · October 12, 2013

Thirdy's Thoughts: Post-Show OOC:

- That's right, MichiganHewo, you were the fan showing his support for Pawent after KP Avatar answered his challenge! <img alt="" data-src="//content.invisioncic.com/g322608/emoticons/biggrin.png.929299b4c121f473b0026f3d6e74d189.png" src="<___base_url___>/applications/core/interface/js/spacer.png" /> Was actually a toss-up between you and Psycho Sam, but I'll think of a way to include Sam on the next Parent segment. Many thanks as well for the support and comments, Psycho Sam!

- Here's how the prediction game stands as of February. The prize? Choose one worker you'd like me to hire. Coverage will be the January to June 2013 cards, and there's no age limit for the worker! As the promotion's name is OLD, I actually don't mind having more 40-something guys on the roster. So far, Midnightnick is still in the lead, while Slayen gets off to a strong start! In order to qualify, you'll have to predict on 67 percent of the cards covered, or in this case, four out of six.

Slayen -5/6, 83%

1. Midnightnick - 9/11, 82% (+4/6)

2. petecrimson00 - 8/11, 73% (+4/6)

2. ajcrible - 8/11, 73% (+4/6, +1)

4. flaviooooo - 7/11, 64% (+3/6, +1)

5. shawn_waters - 4/11, 36% (+1/6)

Boltinho - 20%

6. Psycho Sam - 3/11, 27% (+2/6)

- Looks like choosing which Gauge brother would go over threw a lot of predictors off. As Greg isn't as over in the U.S., I'd normally want to build him up, but Matt defeating Randall Hopkirk seemed more plausible because of Hopkirk's especially advanced age and Matt's popularity (34) being fairly close to Hopkirk's (50). Despite that, Hopkirk kept complaining about doing the job until I used Keep Strong and Protect.

- You'll also notice a dramatic improvement in the overall match grade from 31 to 47. Turns out all I needed to do was manually tweak the match intensity and danger settings. Instead of 75-75, it's now 40-60, which drew no complaints from the fans.

- Making a change to the 17-year-old Dutch generated worker's ring name. No sense making him bland when he's got loads of charisma, and calling him "Average Joe American" would be overkill as we already have a Lazy Joe whom he'll be feuding with. Instead, I'll be dubbing him Haydn Psyche, as he is a Heidenreich Challenge character and very similar to CV97's Roman Heidenseik user avatar.

-Still undecided on hiring Kammy Ling as Pawent's manager! Then again, I don't want this Pawent to be a total rehash of Charasmatic Enigma's version, hence the poow-on-the-mic puwowesu pwactitioner cutting his own pwomos. <img alt="" data-src="//content.invisioncic.com/g322608/emoticons/tongue.png.ceb643b2956793497cef30b0e944be28.png" src="<___base_url___>/applications/core/interface/js/spacer.png" />

3rdStringPG · October 12, 2013

OOC - One February segment before the February monthly report/March prediction key! Apparently, a couple of workers from the Big Three have had their contracts come up, so let's see what the Smacker plans to do about it. <img alt="" data-src="//content.invisioncic.com/g322608/emoticons/tongue.png.ceb643b2956793497cef30b0e944be28.png" src="<___base_url___>/applications/core/interface/js/spacer.png" />

Smacker's Log, 2/25/13, 9:30 a.m.

The Offices of OLD Folks LLC, Orlando FL

<div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/DCRayne_zpsb55d9656.jpg</div>

"Hello, I'd like to speak with Mr. DC Rayne, please?"

"Speaking."

"Ah...yes. I'm the head booker of Original Legends Deathmatches. We are a large independent promotion based in Orlando, Florida, home of Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and the Orlando Magic! Gotta love the Magic this year, DC! Jameer Nelson has the ball...Glen Davis sets the pick...Big Baby on the pick-and-roll, receives the pass from Nelson...lays it in...HE SCORES! The Orlando Magic..."

"The Magic suck, booker man, with all due respect. I'm a Hornets fan. Gotta love your home team!"

"Listen, DC, we've just finished a very successful event. Painkiller...you heard about it? Gentleman Scott Sinclair, you know, he had a five-star match against Raul Lightbringer, the former Darkness Warrior. Five stars, DC! Can you believe that? Such grades are only reserved for McFly vs Bloodstone, Bruce vs Money, Tommy Cornell vs Joey Minisoda!"

"Yeah, yeah, I get it, you're a large indie promotion and you want to acquire my services. What's in it for me?"

"Why, you get to become Gentleman Scott Sinclair's next challenger for the OLD King of the Deathmatch title! It's kinda like a World title, only much cooler. With lots of blood!"

"You mean I have to get some color?"

"It's surprisingly easy and fun, DC! I'm gonna have Scott show you how to do it if you decide to sign with us. And since you said you're from New Orleans, I'll have you know we're planning to do some shows in the Mid-South area once we get our footing here in the Southeast region!"

"That sounds all well and good, but you haven't even told me your name."

"...."

"Your name, Sir?"

"Why, I'm glad you asked, DC! The reason why I know you're goin' to love working with Scott Sinclair is because...I'm Scott Sinclair."

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Wfdq_3F9VA" rel="external nofollow">He hung up</a>. Oh well, I had another hot prospect to talk to, a MUCH HOTTER prospect than DC Rayne, and boy, my mouth was watering at the idea of having this man, this YOUNG man, do the job on OLD Puddles of Blood. Thing is, I had to wait a couple hours to call him. KP Avatar said his usual ritual would be to party hard after the Sunday house show with his friends Edd, Freddy, Laura and Vita. They were TCW's Young and the Restless backstage faction, and with that bein' said, there ain't no party like a Wolf Hawkins party. Unless you're talkin' 'bout a Smacker party, but anyway, last night's Wolf Hawkins party was held at his own hometown of St. Pete's, where TCW did a house show last night, so I was in luck.

Smacker's Log, 2/25/13, 10:30 a.m.

"Good day, Mr. Scantlin, I'm Scott Sinclair, head booker of Original Legends Deathmatches. Do you love wrestling? Do you love beer, blood, brawling and BABES? Then you're going to love Original Legends Deathmatches, where the biggest names from the biggest promotions come out and beat the living shit out of each other for a handsome paycheck! I'm a big fan of Puddle of Mudd, and since our next event is called Puddles of Blood, I was wondering if you can trot your band out to perform, you know, but not "Blurry." The "smack my ass" song, what's that one again? "Control"? Please, I'd like to hear you guys play that. And "She Hates Me" too! I swear, Wes, I mean, Mr. Scantlin, you did NOT copy that from Nirvana and Suicidal Tendencies! Puddle of Mudd at Puddles of Blood...why not, Mr. Scantlin? You'll get to meet 'em all. Randall Hopkirk. Man Mountain Metal Ronnie Cahill. Raul Lightbringer, who used to be The Darkness Warrior. And last, but definitely not the least, SWF's BIG SMACK..."

"Please leave your message after the beep."

Wes gets the idea. I'm sure he'd be honored to have Puddle of Mudd play Puddles of Blood.

Smacker's Log, 2/25/13, 3:10 p.m.

Alright, I'm gonna level with you. I think Wolf Hawkins is overrated. If I'd rate his skills on the basis of OLD-style, he'd be a 4/10. But hell, he's a young guy, and I'm sure Francisco would have a heart attack upon learnin' I signed the expensive and late-20-something Wolf Hawkins to the promotion! Besides, his intense (ed. - Scott meant "immense") popularity is sure to give OLD some added cred.

Okay, Scott, you don't need to be nervous. It's just Wolf Hawkins. You can make that arrogant little prick cry uncle if it came down to a real fight. You can make out with Vita AND Laura Huggins as Wolf, Laura's brother Freddy and Edd Stone shrink back in fear and respect for your animal magnetism and enviable skill in the ring. So just dial the number and, just like SWF's last PPV, you've got nothin' to lose.

One, two, three...

"Hello, I'm from Original Legends Deathmatches. I would like to speak to Mr. Andrew Hawkins, please?"

<div style="text-align:center;">http://i757.photobucket.com/albums/xx212/Cverse_Rerender/jtlant/TommyCornell_alt2jt.jpg</div>

"And who might be calling?" Okay, this didn't sound like Wolf. The guy kinda had a British accent.

"This is Mr. Hawkins' number, isn't it?" Methinks Wolf is tryin' to rib me by trying to impersonate his mentor and boss, Tommy Cornell.

"It sure is, mate, but may I know who's speaking? Wolf's still hung over."

"This is of great importance, Mr. Cornell," I replied, cutting to the chase and assuming that the boss had partied with The Young and The Restless faction after the house show. "We have an opening on our roster, and..."

"This bloody fool keeps ramblin' on and makin' no sense! Veeter! Maybe you'd like to talk some sense into the man on the phone."

Okay, looks like this is gonna be fun. Tommy Cornell, or Wolf Hawkins impersonating Tommy Cornell, is putting Vita on the line!

<div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/Vita_zps77f2935e.jpg</div>

"Talk to me?", went the sexy Scandinavian accent on the other end of the line. Time to turn on the old Smacker charm!

"I'm Scott Sinclair, and..."

Vita immediately called out to her boss (probably) and told him that the Smacker was the guy he had talked to a few seconds ago. "Tommy! The man on the line is Scott Sinclair, and..."

"Tell that SWF reject to FOOK OFF and stop wastin' our time!"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Sinclair, but Mr. Cornell isn't interested in hiring you."

"I actually wanted to negotiate business with Wolf Hawkins, so if you could please recussitate your hung over friend..."

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Wfdq_3F9VA" rel="external nofollow">She hung up</a>. Oh well. DC and Wolf aren't the only guys out there from the Big Three whose contracts will be due in due time. With the success of Puddles of Blood next month, there's no way in hell people won't be payin' attention to that large indie promotion from Florida and mentionin' it in the same breath as SWF, TCW and USPW.

Hey, what did I just say? Did I actually just affirm my belief in OLD's product?Has all this sales talk Frank had taught me about actually turned me into a shill for OLD?

Nah. If OLD makes better business in the months to follow, it's gonna be because I'm drawin' money just as well as most of these OLDstars keep drawin' blood in their matches.

3rdStringPG · October 14, 2013

Smacker's Log, 3/14/13, 9:30 a.m.

The Offices of OLD Folks LLC, Orlando FL

"Your names, good sirs?"

"Uh...I'm Shaun, and I'm the vocalist. Fred's our guitarist, Alex is our bassist and that's Damien, our drummer. We call ourselves..."

"IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAMES ARE!!!", I barked. "Lemme tell you something...I wanted Puddle of Mudd to play Puddles of Blood. Who sent you here and shouldn't you be in school?"

"We're playing hooky," said the tall, gawky vocalist. Like the rest of his band, none of them looked a day older than 17.

"KP Avatar sent us! Man, he sure socked it to that Pawent guy," replied the drummer, a spectacular (ed. - probably meant "bespectacled") kid with a bad faux-hawk who looked like the kind of smarky guy who spent most of his time writin' bad fanfic diaries about his favorite wrestlers, probably workrate guys all.

"That little runt has some major explainin' to do," I grumbled, as I stormed out of my office and angrily confronted Avatar. Sure enough, he was talkin' to Francisco Temperamento Roberto about somethin'.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/TEW%202013/KPAvatar.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/FabulousFrank_zpsdf03e2ed.jpg

"We cannot afford Muddle of Pudd," said Frank, rather kurtly, messing up the once-popular band's name. "Perhaps if you made us more than 13 grand last month, I would've considered those unkempt longhairs, but KP got some good feedback about those local high school boys. They call themselves 'Switchblade Powerslam' and they recently won a Battle of the Bands competition. They're a Muddle of Pudd tribute band."

"So you think you can impress me by trottin' out a band that uses MY FORMER TAG TEAMMATE'S FINISHER AS THEIR BAND NAME? And what part of Florida did they win Battle of the Bands in?"

"They didn't say, but they sent a demo tape,and I think it's pretty good," said Frank as KP shook his head in shame. I trusted KP's judgment musically - he said he used to play in a Rage Against the Machine cover band in high school - but this seemed to be a case where his hands were tied. DAMN YOU, FABULOUS FRANK!!!

Frank handed me the boys' demo tape, which I decided to listen to as I scanned the monthly report for February. After listenin' to one track, I wanted to shoot a hole through that monthly report (thanks for the idea, Aaron Mustafa Avatar) and fire more workers.

Fire more workers.

The Gauges and KC Glenn will be on tour by the time Puddles of Blood kicks off, so whom can I future endeavor?

Suddenly, I had an idea.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/OLD_zpsc9aeb9da.jpg

OLD - ORIGINAL LEGENDS DEATHMATCHES

MONTHLY REPORT - FEBRUARY 2013

TOTAL CASH - $272,606
PROFIT - $13,318
NEW WORKERS - Alan Parent, Gijs Van Schalkwyk (Haydn Psyche)
WORKERS RELEASED - Donald Richards (Coyote Dynamite)
LAST EVENT - Painkiller, Mitch Haggans Arena (Attendance - 300. Pro Wrestling Hits Grade - 47/D-)
REGIONAL BATTLE RANKINGS - 2nd of 3, Tri-State, 5th of 7, Southwest, 4th of 4, Northwest, 2nd of 4, New England, 2nd of 3, Mid-South, 2nd of 3, Mid-Atlantic, 2nd of 3, Puerto Rico
OLD KING OF THE DEATHMATCH CHAMPION - Gentleman Scott Sinclair
OLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS - The Fashion Police (Jeffrey Grussmont and Terrence Stein)
CHAMPIONS IN OTHER TERRITORIES - Lt. Cameron (MAW Mid-Atlantic Champion, as Cameron Vessey), Whisky Jack (LSW National Champion), Casey the Hillbilly (SSS Tag Team co-Champion, as KC Glenn)

THE REST OF THE WORLD:

NEW RELATIONSHIPS - Thrill Seeker and Jenny Playmate (CGC), Ramon Delgado and Carolina (EMLL)
ENGAGEMENTS - None
WORKER DEATHS - None
WORKER RETIREMENTS - Alfredo Menendez
HALL OF IMMORTALS INDUCTIONS - None
RANDOM INCIDENTS - Jesse Christian returns to wrestling
COMPANY SIZE CHANGES - Hi-NRG down to Local, P-Girls down to Local, RA down to Local, USPW down to Cult, SWF up to International, Canadian Ninja up to Small, P-Girls back up to Small, EMLL up to Regional, SWF back down to National
COMPANY RELATIONS - GCG and WEXXV declare war
SWF CHAMPIONS - Steve Frehley (World), Angry Gilmore (North American), The Platinum Blondes (Tag Team)
TCW CHAMPIONS - Wolf Hawkins (World), Aaron Andrews (International), Texas Buffalo (Tag Team), Flying Jimmy Foxx (All Action)
USPW CHAMPIONS - Nicky Champion (World), Java (National), Tribal Warrior (TV), Melody (Women's), The Cold Warriors (Tag Team)

PREDICTION KEY:

OLD Puddles of Blood
Jamil Shrine Temple (South Carolina, Southeast)
Thursday, March 21, 2013

Cpl. "PoPo" Valentine vs Alan Parent
Lazy Joe vs Whisky Jack
KP Avatar vs Aaron Mustafa Avatar - Loser Gets The Hell Out of Here Match
????? vs Raul Lightbringer
Lt. Cameron vs Dead Bolt
The Hillbillys vs The Fashion Police © - OLD Tag Team Title Match
Gentleman Scott Sinclair © vs Someone from Painful Procedure - OLD King of the Deathmatch Title Match, Deathmatch Rules

BONUS QUESTION - Who will Raul Lightbringer's mystery opponent be? (CLUE - New hire for March, younger than 30)

Slayen · October 14, 2013

OLD Puddles of Blood

Jamil Shrine Temple (South Carolina, Southeast)

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Cpl. "PoPo" Valentine vs Alan Parent

Lazy Joe vs Whisky Jack

KP Avatar vs Aaron Mustafa Avatar - Loser Gets The Hell Out of Here Match

????? vs Raul Lightbringer

Lt. Cameron vs Dead Bolt

Gentleman Scott Sinclair © vs Someone from Painful Procedure - OLD King of the Deathmatch Title Match, Deathmatch Rules

BONUS QUESTION - Who will Raul Lightbringer's mystery opponent be? (CLUE - New hire for March, younger than 30) Rudy Velasquez

Midnightnick · October 14, 2013

Cpl. "PoPo" Valentine vs Alan Parent

Lazy Joe vs Whisky Jack

KP Avatar vs Aaron Mustafa Avatar - Loser Gets The Hell Out of Here Match

????? vs Raul Lightbringer

Lt. Cameron vs Dead Bolt

Gentleman Scott Sinclair © vs Someone from Painful Procedure - OLD King of the Deathmatch Title Match, Deathmatch Rules

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OLD: You're Never Too OLD to Brawl for Beer! [C-Verse XL]

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