Babes Of Sin City Gets Awesome. John Awesome.

[crayon]

Okay, so here's the beginning of my BSC diary. Now, I'll preface this by saying it'll be slow, and I have no idea how far I'll get on this before I burn out and forget about it like most of the projects I start.. but hopefully what I do put out there will be entertaining enough to justify it :) Oh, and if the term "knob" is offensive, just let me know and I'll edit it out. [quote][CENTER][FONT="Impact"][SIZE="6"]THE SHADOWY FOG OF THE GOLDEN EAGLE[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT="Impact"][SIZE="5"][I]a John Awesome adventure[/I][/SIZE][/FONT][/CENTER] [SIZE="4"][FONT="Times New Roman"]I'M SITTING in the Pelican Lounge with a hot assed stripper giving me a blowjay worth two hundred Washingtons and it's a Friday night. The name's John Awesome. I'm fifty-four years old; rogue accounting used to be my trade; and I have zero money in my wallet. Oh yeah. [B]“Hey, what's this sh*t about having no money?”[/B] Damn. Seems the broad was as quick as my inner monologue was loud. [B]“Aw heck baby. You know how these things are. I quit my job ten days ago and spent all my bank on peanut flavored cashew butter.”[/B] [B] “Cashew butter?”[/B] she echoed, incredulously. [B] “... and text based wrestling simulators.”[/B] [B]“You sick bastard.”[/B] I put my raging four inches of knob back in my jeans, and tried to get out of the worn suede chair but she had me pinned with the force only women scammed out of sexual favors possess. [B]“Okay, I can see you're annoyed—and that's understandable.”[/B] I tried to reason with her: [B]“Maybe we could figure out some kind of arrangement where I don't pay you any money, but you still take your fingernails out of my extremely muscular thighs and let me go. How does that sound?”[/B] Her nails digging deeper into the flesh of my extremely muscular thighs wasn't exactly a [I]'No'[/I], but the spit that followed in my face probably wasn't a [I]'Yes'[/I] either. [B] “Alright, alright!”[/B] I shrieked. But really tough like a pirate. [B]“I'll work it off, I'll work it off! Tell me what to do, just please don't hurt me anymore!”[/B] Her grip loosened and she paused to think a moment, giving me time to wipe the tears from my eyes. [B]“Do you know how to book?”[/B] This caused me to smile. [B] “Toots. I book like you couldn't even imagine.”[/B] Hah, bitch had no idea that I'd read [I]War and Peace[/I] by the age of twelve. [B]“This is your lucky day.”[/B] She reached out and shook my hand. [B]“I'm Marilyn Stardust, and as of now, I'm the ex-head booker of [I]Babes Of Sin City wrestling[/i]. Thanks a lot, sucker!”[/B] [CENTER][URL=http://imageshack.us][IMG]http://img263.imageshack.us/img263/8986/diary060608newbscbookerts5.jpg[/IMG][/URL] [I][SIZE="2"]The wrestling community reacted to the news with feverish collective silence[/SIZE][/I][/CENTER] So it's Monday and I'm at the main BSC offices talking to another hard headed dame that calls herself Honey Golightly. Turns out she runs this two-bit wrestling promotion and wants me to give it a little bit of awesome. [B] “Look, I dunno what any of that has to do with War and Peace, but you came to the right place, toots.”[/B] [B] “This is serious business though. You know much about wrestling?”[/B] [B]“Do I know much about making the wrestling? Hah!” I scoffed. “Hulk Hogan, Andre The Giant, Jake The Snake, Hulk Hogan... .. ... and that's just four of the ones I know!”[/B] She frowned a little, but eventually shrugged into a depressed slump, playing with a rubber ball hanging off a piece of string. [B]“I guess that's good enough for us. Hell, Marilyn thought a cheap crowd pop was something to do with bukkake.”[/B] [CENTER][URL=http://imageshack.us][IMG]http://img263.imageshack.us/img263/9939/diary060608bscofficessr2.jpg[/IMG][/URL] [I][SIZE="2"]The Babes Of Sin City's head office had a certain charm to it[/SIZE][/I][/CENTER] First thing I do on the job is have a look at the business side of things. Knowing how much money I can embezzle isn't something that can be overlooked. [B]$250,000[/B]. I can work with that, but of course the embezzling will be much easier if we've got a steady cashflow coming in. Oddly, enough there is none. I soon realize that that's because they don't even have any events running, goddamn broads! A moment later I've gotten off the phone with some movers and shakers, and we have our first event scheduled for Tuesday. I'm so excited about this that I drink two bottles of un-named whiskey and pass out under a bus. I wake up with a mouth that feels like tumbleweeds to the sound of some annoying made-in-Japan device called an [I]EXTREME Eye[/I] beeping like crazy, telling me that I've gotta create some storylines and put on some pants for the fans. Well, screw you [I]EXTREME Eye[/I]; John Awesome don't put on pants for no one but John Awesome. And I'll figure out that storyline crap later, too. Before all of that, I have to see who's who of BSC, and how I can properly use them on tonight's show. Eight hours later I get up off the couch and set TiVO to record the rest of The CW's marathon of [I]Gilmore Girls[/I] (Loralei is bangin'). I call a cab and arrive at Piper's Casino at ten P.M. I have the strange feeling I was supposed to do something else earlier, but ultimately shake it off because there's a show to put on![/FONT][/SIZE][/quote] What's going to happen next? How will John Awesome utilize the talented roster of BSC? Has he even turned up at the correct location? OMG YOU'LL HAVE TO STAY TUNED!

[Capellan]

John Awesome sure is.

[mad5226]

I really enjoyed this. This has the potential to be something huge good luck

[mistaken]

can't wait to see how you [I]man[/I]handle my girls. :D

[King Kirby]

Great stuff. I like the part where you shriek really tough, like a pirate.

[infinitywpi]

Comedy Noir mixed with wrestling. This should be interesting. Bonus points if you work the "I got six slugs in me... one's lead, the rest are whiskey" cliche in there somewhere.

[alanreao]

This is fantastic.

[Jaded]

This is my new favourite diary. :)

[Michael Wayne]

can't wait to see what happens next.

[crayon]

And now [QUOTE][FONT="Times New Roman"][size=4]I'M BACKSTAGE at Piper's Casino and I can't believe it, because it's swarming with pµssy everywhere. No, literally. Someone must have left open the back door and let every stray cat in Nevada in. I kicked a few of them in various directions but gave up after each that went flying was replaced by two new ones ready to spray wild on my creased [I]Dolce & Banana[/I] suit. The entire female roster is preparing for the big night, and I watch them getting naked from the shadows... I mean, I stand around until they're all done. I clap my hands together and put on a friendly grin.[/size] [CENTER][URL=http://imageshack.us][IMG]http://img519.imageshack.us/img519/9205/diary070608piperbackstana6.jpg[/IMG][/URL] [I][SIZE="2"]Backstage at the Piper Casino[/SIZE][/I][/CENTER] [size=4] [B]“Ladies, gather round! By now you know that I'm the new head booker of this wrestle promotion thing. Some of you may be wondering who I am and exactly why I rock so hard. Well if you've got the internet, hit google and type in [I]'John Awesome'[/I] and [I]'blows the ass out of fifty states'[/I]. You'll get hundreds of results that will explain it much better than I ever could.”[/B] Who was I kidding, they knew why I rocked so hard. [B]“Alrighty! I'd say that was a pretty good pep talk. Let me know when the whole thing is over and we'll review what you did wrong.”[/B] I gathered some cats into a ball and used them as a makeshift pillow. Looks like this will be pretty easy after— [B]“Whoah, that's it?”[/B] said some chick, interrupting my train of thought. [B]“Haven't you got anything else you wanna say?”[/B] I rolled over and looked to see who was messing with my sleep. She was a Cali blonde with a ten thousand dollar body and an expression that looked like I was late on making those payments. [B] “You, what's your name?”[/B] [B]“Dharma. Dharma Gregg,”[/B] she replied. [B]“Okay, you're fired. Hit the bricks and dust, babycakes. I don't need no whiners in this hockey league.”[/B] I turned my attention to another of the BSC girls. [B] “You, the less attractive twin sister. What was that lippy blonde talkin' about? Sounded important.”[/B] [B] “I think she expected you to tell us what to do, or give us a script, maybe. I'm Jen Neptune, by the way.”[/B] [B] “I gotta organize all that sh*t [I]on top[/I] of firing people?”[/B] I lobbed the catbawl in frustration, which hit Dharma's ass on her way out. [B]“Arrgh, this books gig is the hardest job in the world!”[/B][/size] [CENTER][URL=http://imageshack.us][IMG]http://img370.imageshack.us/img370/5306/diary070608dharmako0.jpg[/IMG][/URL] [I][SIZE="2"]Dharma gets what she deserves[/SIZE][/I][/CENTER] [size=4] I got to my feet and started pacing the room, because it seemed dramatic. I could do this. I've seen some wrestling shows before. The first thing I needed to figure out was who to put in the main event of the evening (or as what we call it in the industry: the “big match”) [B] “Alright, whoever will have sex with me, I'll put in the big match.”[/B] Several hands shot up. [B]“But we have to leave the lights on,”[/B] I added. Several hands shot down. Goddamnit. [B]“Okay, well was there anyone who actually considered it for a second?”[/B] The rock chick with metal crap in her face slowly put her hand up. [B]“Yeah, I did for a second. But I'm also pretty fvckin' drunk.”[/B] [B]“That makes two us,”[/B] I said. [B]“Congratulations, you're now a big matcher. Hope you other girls learnt a lesson from this.” [/B] I took a look at all the other dames and then to my Casio watch. [B]“We've got, oh... five minutes till we start. Tell you what, I'll figure out the rest of it while I'm on the john. Till then, braid each others hair and make me a turkey sandwich.”[/B][/size][/font][/QUOTE] Only five minutes till show time! What awaits Honey Golightly's promotion? Will it be greatness? Will it be failure? Or will it be AWESOME?

[Rathen4]

I'm hoping for more catballs personally. That picture is ****ing genius.

[trypio]

Lol, pure awesomeness.

[mad5226]

Well now Im torn as AWESOME as this diary is...please tell me you were just kidding about firing Dharma =(

[W3LSHY]

I think i've found one of my new favorite diaries :D It reminds me a little of J Silvers USPW Diary. In a good way of course ;).

[infinitywpi]

This isn't gonna last long due to the getting-around-the-language-filter thing... but dammed if it's not the most fun I've had reading a diary in a long time.

[crayon]

Oh, I didn't realize the language would be such an issue (under the personal assumption that it's more in place for offensive and vulgur posts) seeing as people would figure it out anyway, yet it remains censored (okay, replacing u with a v is a bit sneaky), just not as overly. I'll edit it if any mods have an issue with the work-around. I was just trying to make the reading process as smooth as possible.

[Actarus]

A very funny, entertaining read, Crayon. The only thing I can't wrap my mind around (even when attempting to suspend disbelief, which is required for most entertainment endeavors) is picturing Marylin Stardust as a "hot assed stripper". It just doesn't work in my head. I mean, look at her picture? ;) ;) Unless Awesome was Awesome drunk that night, in which case it makes a little bit more sense.

[Rathen4]

I feel the swearing should be kept in. It's stupid for a forum to have a filter especially for an adult-orientated game like this (I know it's for all ages but can you imagine a nine year old having much fun with it?)

[crayon]

[QUOTE=Actarus;433939]A very funny, entertaining read, Crayon. The only thing I can't wrap my mind around (even when attempting to suspend disbelief, which is required for most entertainment endeavors) is picturing Marylin Stardust as a "hot assed stripper". It just doesn't work in my head. I mean, look at her picture? ;) ;) Unless Awesome was Awesome drunk that night, in which case it makes a little bit more sense.[/QUOTE] Hit the nail on the head right there :) I was gonna photo shop her render onto a strippers body, but didn't want to be the cause of readers temporary blindness. Appreciate all the comments and support too, makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

[Jaded]

Man, this is awesome so far. And Jack Avatar in my NOTBPW dynasty may just follow your lead in deciding who gets to main event - bye bye Dan Stone Jr, hello Emma Bitch!

[TeflonBilly]

I'm definitely liking this diary.

[EricAdams]

He's running a promotion built around STRIPPERS AND MATCHES WHERE THEY GET NEARLY NAKED Let him curse.

[crayon]

[I]Preface:[/I] I'm still toying with the format of writing up an event, so it may not stay like this... Anyway, onto the show! [QUOTE][QUOTE]INT. PIPER CASINO – BAR ROOM: [I]The lights DIM and after a few confused moments of silence they come back on. This signals the MONUMENTAL first show opening of...[/I][/QUOTE] [CENTER][URL=http://imageshack.us][IMG]http://img406.imageshack.us/img406/4086/diaryjohnawesomepresentfc2.jpg[/IMG][/URL][/CENTER] [B]Sara Silver:[/B] We're here at The Piper Casino with Babes of Sin City's first [i]ever[/i] event to be recorded and sold on DVD. I've got my announce partner and boss besides me, and Miss Golightly, you must be happier than a midget who fell into a bucket of titties. [B]Honey Golightly:[/B] You're not wrong there. Tonight is going to be HUGE. And keep in mind that not only is this our first ever recorded event, it's our first event not held in a college gymnasium full of teenage boys. [B]Sara Silver:[/B] Although I do think I see some of them trying to get a fake ID past the bar, over there. Anyway, what we're all dieing to know: will this be a night in Las Vegas history that makes Ocean's 11 look more like an Ocean's 2? [B]Honey Golightly:[/B] Well, I've been backstage, Sara. I've talked to everyone, and I know what's in store, but I can't tell you anything except that it's going to be simply amazing. And I think you're about to see it start... [QUOTE][I]An UNKNOWN FIGURE slowly makes his way through the crowd, wit a STICK in one hand and a BEER in the other. He frequently stops to chug back the can.[/I][/QUOTE] [B]Sara Silver:[/B] No way! Could it be the biggest signing in all of BSC's history?! I think it's [i]The Sa[/i][B][FONT="Palatino Linotype"][SIZE="4"][name copyrighted by World Wrestling Entertainment][/FONT][/B][/SIZE][i]man![/i] [QUOTE][I]THE FIGURE climbs atop the metal guard rail. And falls off.[/I][/QUOTE] [B]Sara Silver:[/B] Oh wait, no. It's just a drunk bum. [B]Honey Golightly:[/B] That's the thing with BSC, you'll never know what's going to happen! Security will take care of... heyyy, why's he getting in the ring? And now he has a microphone... [QUOTE]JOHN AWESOME stands in the middle of the ring holding a MICROPHONE and what we now see is a BROOM.[/QUOTE] [CENTER][URL=http://imageshack.us][IMG]http://img406.imageshack.us/img406/5/diary080608johnawesomeodf3.jpg[/IMG][/URL] [/CENTER] [B]Sara Silver:[/B] He certainly ain't no Sandman but a least he's better looking! [B]Honey Golightly:[/B] Just. [QUOTE][I]JOHN AWESOME continues to hype himself for the next ten minutes. [/I][B][COLOR="Red"](Rating: E)[/COLOR][/B] [I]He then hypes the show for thirty seconds.[/I][B][COLOR="Red"](Rating: E-)[/COLOR][/B][/QUOTE] [B]Sara Silver:[/B] I love surprises, which is great because I have no idea what's happening. [B]Honey Golightly: [/B] Goes to show just how strong tonight's show is going to be. It doesn't need more than 30 seconds of hype, because the talent will speak for itself. [B]Sara Silver:[/B] And speaking of talent, it's... [QUOTE][RIGHT][B]CUT TO[/B][/RIGHT] INT. BACKSTAGE AREA – JOHN AWESOME'S OFFICE: [/QUOTE] [B]Sara Silver:[/B] ... wait, [I]another[/I] John Awesome angle? [QUOTE][I]JOHN AWESOME enters and is not surprised to find a partially naked woman on his desk. Reveal to show SISTER BETH MERCY playing with her own... [/I]rosary beads [I](you sick sick people, I know what you were thinking).[/I] [B]Beth Mercy:[/B] I was watching you on the monitors John Awesome and I think you're so, um... hot..? Oh. Please take my chastity, and uh, make me your woman. [B]John Awesome:[/B] Listen doll. You got a great mug and I think your boobs are swell, but I can't take you up on your offer, right now. [I]Beth Mercy looks depressed upon hearing this.[/I] [B]John Awesome:[/B] But you may wanna keep ear to dirt if you know what I'm sayin'. I got some announcements you'll find [I]very[/I] interesting. Now get some clothes on and jam, jesusfreak. [COLOR="Red"][B](Rating E)[/B][/COLOR][/QUOTE] [B]Sara Silver:[/B] What you said was right; I am amazed! We have [I]never[/I] seen anything like this happen before at Babes of Sin City! Has Beth Mercy gone crazy? ... Miss Golightly? Are you okay? You look speechless. [B]Honey Golightly:[/B] Wha? Oh, sorry. Well y'know, I've seen some surprising things—usually out of guy's pants during one of my acts—and I guess even I can still be surprised. There's a girl for everyone, they say, right? [QUOTE]INT. ARENA: [CENTER][URL=http://imageshack.us][IMG]http://img361.imageshack.us/img361/958/diary080608goodheadvsjefo0.jpg[/IMG][/URL] [/CENTER] [I]Even though it was pure filler with no thought put into the matchup, JEN NEPTUNE and OFFICER GOODHEAD came out and gave it their all in a bra & panties match. Unfortunately their all sucked pretty impressive. The crowd was spared when Jen managed to duck a wild punch and tear Officer Goodhead's blue blouse off at the 2:34 mark, revealing a bra with pictures of the guys from [/I]CHIPS [I]on it, for the win.[/I] [I]Jen lulzed pretty hard, before pie-facing Goodhead and ripping the bra off as well, leaving Goodhead to run back to the dressing rooms half-naked. [/I][B][COLOR="Red"](Rating E+)[/COLOR][/B][/QUOTE] [B]Honey Golightly:[/B] I think she's going to have to arrest herself for indecent exposure. [B]Sara Silver:[/B] With those tits, I wouldn't be surprised. [QUOTE][B][RIGHT]CUT TO[/RIGHT][/B] INT. BACKSTAGE: [I]SISTER BETH MERCY is looking in a mirror adjusting her habit when ALEXIS LEE LITTLEFEATHER comes up to her, twirling a tommahawk.[/I] [B]Littlefeather:[/B] Littlefeather always had big respect for Provocative Nun. But me hear about what you do with the Sexyman. Littlefeather lose respect now. [B]Beth Mercy:[/B] Sexyman? Oh, you mean John Awesome. Do you think I went too far in the eyes of God? [B]Littlefeather:[/B] No! Sexyman is Littlefeather's trophy! She will take him back to teepee and show him Cherokee tribe's most honored twig.[/QUOTE] [B]Sara Silver:[/B] Looks like this guy is more popular than we thought! [B]Honey Golightly:[/B] What th- [QUOTE][I]KATHY and JEN NEPTUNE are walking past and overhear the conversation.[/I] [B]Kathy Neptune:[/B] Whoah, sell your land for smokes, Littlefeather! You can't just treat John Awesome like a piece of meat. You have to think of what [I]he[/I] wants. And Sister Mercy, flashing a respectable man like John Awesome your naked body isn't the way to win him over. You should both know that. [I]Beth Mercy and Littlefeather both look ashamed and embarrassed of themselves.[/I] [B]Beth Mercy:[/B] You-you're right. I wasn't thinking. [B]Littlefeather:[/B] Littlefeather did wrong. [B]Jen Neptune (under her breath):[/B] *cough* And he'd rather have us coz we're hotter. [I]Beth Mercy and Littlefeather hear this and EXPLODE at the Neptune Twins. Soon, all four girls are arguing over the top of each other, and nothing can be made sense of. [/I][/QUOTE] [B]Honey Golightly:[/B] You have got to be f*cking kidding me. [QUOTE][I]Just as it looks like we're about to have WWIII in the back of The Piper Casino, JOHN AWESOME enters from off-screen.[/I] [B]John Awesome:[/B] Ladies, settle down... [I]They all stop as he commands.[/I] [B]John Awesome:[/B] Fighting over me, obviously. Even before I found out about this BSC wrestling, I could see this happening. [I]The girls collectively apologize.[/I] [B]John Awesome:[/B] Don't worry, babes; it's normal. But still, we can't have the whole locker room fighting over me. It's bad for business, and it's bad for the rest of the male population not called John Awesome. [B]Littlefeather:[/B] But me not able to easy forget about Sexyman! [B]John Awesome:[/B] And that's why we're going to have a three-way match later tonight. And the winner of that match gets a lifetime supply of waxing my johnson! [I]He points to Mercy, Littlefeather, and Kathy.[/I] [B]John Awesome:[/B] You, you, and you. You're all in it. Make sure your bush is shaved so none of you get carpet burn. I'm leaving to go do something else. [I]John Awesome leaves.[/I] [B][COLOR="Red"](Rating D-)[/COLOR][/B] [/QUOTE] [/QUOTE] Given how big this write-up is turning out, I'm gonna split it up into a couple of parts. Hope you enjoyed the first part, predictions and comments always welcome

[Ping von Erich]

This is easily the best diary I've ever read on these boards.. bar absolutly none. *gets John Awesome tattoo arched across stomach in old english* For life.

[Dansc]

I lol'd so hard at that logo. This is awesome.