The Final Days of Robbie Retro

[mrnoun]

Urbana, Ohio, circa 2004. Or, more metaphorically if less literally correct, SubUrbana, Ohio. And more geographically specific, though still grammatically incorrect in that it remains a sentence fragment, a ramshackle brown house on the outskirts of the town. The house where Robbie "Retro" Jarzembowski lives, and from whence he would no doubt disapprove the hellaciously poor grammer heretofore used, were he, perhaps, an English teacher. But, in fact, Robbie is perhaps the furthest thing possible from an English teacher. Robbie is a professional wrestler. Robbie is brushing his teeth, performing his morning libations in preparation for the usually unpleasant drive south to Dayton, where he shares a gym with several other SWF development talents. The drive, he figures, is worth it, if it helps him someday make it and enable him to move out of his mother's house. Of course, his mother's house won't exist for much longer. Nor will the gym in Dayton. Nor, in fact, will Robbie Retro. But Robbie doesn't know any of this. No one does. Well, almost no one. *** Zûrich, Switzerland. While Robbie was making the drive to Dayton, far more sinister events were underway in far-off Europe. I refer, of course, to the nefarious underworld activities of the Belgian national football team. But that is fodder for another story. No, this story takes us somewhat south and east of grand old Antwerp, jewel of the Flemish swamp, to the cold Alpine mountains. Far beneath Mount Innererwitz is a hidden chamber, known only to a select handful of powerful individuals and any schmoe who reads this. On this occasion, the chamber was dark, and heavy with cigar smoke and malignancy, though it was difficult to tell which was which. Seated around a table were several figures, cloaked in the room's shadows. A loud crash broke the oppressive silence. "Someone hit the lights," a voice called, "Danny's tripped again." With the lights on, the faces, of course, became visible. But to reveal identities would of course spoil the narrative. Though in saying that, I in turn reveal that their identities are important to the narrative, which in turn could spoil the narrative itself. So just ignore this paragraph. The six men and one woman took their places around the table and waited, expectantly. Several minutes passed. "So, uh, should we get started or something?" asked the one with the scars. "Started with what?" asked the short one. "I thought YOU called this meeting!" accused the one with the bad haircut. "Me?" asked the one with the beard, looking perplexed. "No, I was talking to him," answered the bad haircut. "No, I didn't call this meeting," answered the other one with a beard, testily. "Well, if none of you called the meeting... and I certainly didn't call the meeting..." started the one who, while he didn't have a beard, probably could have used a shave. "*I* called it," said the woman, and the men immediately fell silent. Several more minutes passed. "So, uh... if you called the meeting... uh, what's it about?" broached the short one, at long last. "Silence. He will be here soon. I have seen it," replied the woman, enigmatically. No, it's not Enygma in drag. Stop guessing. Go back up and reread the paragraph that says "ignore this paragraph", and this time, actually ignore it. The men fell silent once again. The one with the bad haircut tinkered with his cell phone, but couldn't get reception several miles beneath a mountain. Finally, the woman's words came to fruition. He arrived. *** Dayton, Ohio. "Guys, hold up a minute," Robbie says. "I think I tweaked my hammy." He is, sadly, unaware that at that very moment, thousands of miles away, events are being set into motion that would lead inexorably to Robbie's death. And, incidentally, the annihilation of the entire universe as we know it, but that is only incidental to this narrative. Wait, I think I have that last part backwards. *** Littleton, Minnesota. While Robbie and his fellow wrestlers met in Ohio, and the shadowy figures were meeting far beneath Mount Innererwitz, a third meeting was taking place, not entirely dissimilar to the other two. And by "not entirely dissimilar" I mean that all three meetings involve more than one person. Because that, at this point in the narrative, is about all they have in common. Though the three narrative threads will find a common theme by the end of the tale, I promise. Trust me. Okay, maybe the Robbie Retro one is just there because he has a funny name. But the other two, I swear it! The important point is, five young men were lounging around their tiny apartment, bored. The first was named Charley Steckline by unkind parents. He was the math whiz of the group, able to count to three, and sometimes even as high as ten! He also, it was generally agreed, looked snazzy in a striped shirt. Second was Irwin Krawchuk, who often got beaten up as a child, for obvious reasons. Irwin's claim to fame was that he had inexplicably dedicated his high school years to developing a pitch-perfect imitation of the Road Runner's call, using nothing but an ordinary box of tissues and three AA batteries. This magical, six-year oddysey earned him ample time in the psychoanalyst's office, but in a good light, could probably pass as something not entirely dissimilar to perseverance and attention to detail. Third came the unfortunately named Kirby Stoppekotte. Kirby was held in awe by his fellow roommates as the only one of the group to have passed Public Speaking. Admittedly, it was with a D, but that was better than the rest had managed. It was he who had negotiated for an extension on their rent payment, which was badly overdue. Though they didn't actually get the extension, it was generally agreed that it wasn't Kirby's fault; the landlord's failure to accept the "Our dog ate it" excuse was clearly just a sign of how cold-hearted that individual was. The fourth was called Mitch Wanous, and I bet you can imagine what he was called in grade school. Mitch was the financial wizard of the group, having run a lemonade stand for a brief period some years prior, and almost turning a profit on it. He was currently rummaging through the couch cushions, just another sign of his relative fiduciary brilliance. Fifth and last was Sydney Wardrup, widely acknowledged as the creative one. Sydney's 36-chapter epic crossover fanfic "Mr. Bean Meets the Go-Bots" had received an unbelievable three reviews on fanfiction.net, a feat no other in the group could match. These men were all broke, all unemployed, all on the verge of eviction, and most importantly, all poorly educated and gullible enough to think that the Professional Wrestling industry might solve those problems. See? Pro Wrestling! Robbie Retro! And you didn't think I could tie them together! *** Zûrich, Switzerland. The Man in Black strode to the table and took a seat. The other men stared at him in amazement and confusion. The woman looked at nothing at all. "So what's the job?" the Man in Black asked. The other men just looked at one another in confusion. "Didn't you call me here to hire me?" "They did not summon you. I did," said the woman. "I see there is a problem only you can solve. The fate of the universe depends upon--" "Aw, hell. Not another Armageddon? I'm getting so sick of those," the Man in Black interrupted. The woman grew angry. "Yes, well, if you'd stop botching them, maybe--" "Botch them? Since when have I ever botched a job?" "What about the time travel job? We sent you back in time to kill Hitler!" "I just got a little confused. The guy said, '[I]Ich bin ein Berliner[/I]', after all." "Look, the point is, this is the Big One. We need you at your best." "All right, all right. So what're you gonna pay me?" The woman calmed down and returned to her usual monotone. "I, as you know, have no money. But these gentlemen will more than adequately compensate you." "Now wait just a damn minute there, missy," said the second guy with the beard. "I'm not paying this fella, or anyone else, for that matter, a single penny without knowing what I'm payin' him for!" There was general assent around the table among the other men. "I have seen. The end of the world approaches. This man can fix it," answered the woman. "So why should I pay for it? Seems to me, EVERYONE should be payin', not just us. Why don't you go ask some buggers who can afford it, stop pickin' on the small businessman?" prodded the second guy with the beard, who was beginning to get on everyone's nerves with his inconsistent accent. "Pardon. I can't help wondering. What do you mean, 'I have seen'?" asked the man who could use a shave, during the ensuing pause in the conversation. "She's the Seeress. She sees the future. It's what she does," replied the Man in Black. "I suggest you take her advice. She's never wrong." The Man in Black paused. "Well, once. But that was a special circumstance." "The Yankees were up 3-0. How could they lose?" mumbled the Seeress to herself. "I don't believe in that nonsense! This is absurd!" burst the man with the bad haircut. "I know! I have a perfect test!" interjected the short one, tossing a coin in the air. "Heads," said the Seeress. "Heads it is!" "Wow!" "Amazing!" "How did you do that?" "Unbelievable!" "Okay," the second one with a beard grudgingly admitted, "It looks like you're the real deal. But still, why us?" "Allow me to explain the task, and I believe you will come to understand," answered the Seeress. "First, know that the Antichrist is alive and well, and walking in the world as we speak. I cannot see his identity, for his power cloaks him from me, but I am aware of his presence. And I can tell what form he will take when he reaches his full power: that of a wrestling promoter." The men around the table nodded as if this made perfect sense. Then the Man in Black frowned and looked at the Seeress. "Wait a minute. A wrestling promoter? Is this some kind of joke?" "Hardly. The Ultimate Evil will be a wrestling promoter. I have seen it. And further, I see the path by which he rises to power. And there is only one thing that can stop him." She turned to face the Man in Black. "I tell you, you must see to it that when the Antichrist comes into his full powers, the Eisen family must not control the most powerful wrestling promotion, or we will have failed." "So... what? You want me to kill the Eisens? That should be easy enough." "No! The Eisens must not be killed; that would be disaster for us. No, they merely need to be humbled." The other men at the table, dubious at first, seemed to warm to this idea. "So how am I supposed to do it, then?" "I suggest finding a job in the industry, and helping that company compete with Eisen, and hopefully topple his empire." "Wait, you want me to take some crappy job for a wrestling company? THAT'S the big world-saving task you needed me for? The Slayer of Morak the Indestructible? The Thief of the Gem of Amazar? The One Who Convinced the Democrats Dukakis Was a Viable Presidential Candidate? And THIS is the task you have for me?" "It pays really well." "I'm in." "Good. Here's what we'll do: I suggest you stay away from the more established companys, as agents of The Enemy will be on the lookout for possible activity on our part. Try to find someplace small and nondescript. These gentlemen," the Seeress indicated those seated around the table, "will quietly funnel money to your company, laundered through a third party to throw off the scent, to help you build into a legitimate threat. With adequate financial backing and your own natural abilities, you should be well capable of toppling Eisen before the rise of the Antichrist." "When, exactly, will the Antichrist rise?" The Seeress paused for a long moment, then pulled out a notebook and started flipping through it. "Wait a minute," interjected the one with a bad haircut. "You're not blind? I thought all you seer-types were supposed to be blind! What a ripoff!" "Shut up, runt," sneered the one with the scars. "What did you call me?!" shrieked the one with the bad haircut. "Gentlemen, gentlemen," the Man in Black said, trying to calm them, "please remember, we're all on the same side now." "Er, about that," said the Seeress, still searching the notebook. "They'll be funnelling you money to start up with, of course, but they really can't publically aid you in any way. In fact, they will have to appear to be competing with you, or The Enemy will know something is amiss. So you'll be entirely on your own, after the initial startup money. Ah, here it is!" "You've found the date of the Antichrist's emergence?" "Yes. It says... 'Answer cloudy. Please try again.' Damn, I hate when it says that." "I still wanna know why she isn't blind," said the one with a bad haircut. "Well... we do know one thing: the Antichrist cannot arise until after the Seven Signs. And we also know there haven't been any signs yet. So you have some time, at least. Hopefully, it will be enough." "I mean, couldn't she at least be missing one eye? It really would make me feel better." "But if we waste any more of it, it may not be enough. So go, now, and may the Powers bless you! And the rest of you gentlemen, you have your tasks as well: get the money, and find a way to get it to our agent cleanly." There were nods around the table, ranging from uncomfortable resignation to steely determination. *** Dayton, Ohio. Robbie and his buddies break for lunch at that very same moment. Little did he know that... aw, hell. The Robbie Retro bits aren't really doing much to help the story along, are they? *** Littleton, Minnesota "So, uh, you guys want to start up a wrestling company or something?" "Nope." "Nah." "Meh." "Wrestling sucks." "Well, we're dead broke, the rent is way overdue, and we're getting evicted Wednesday. It's wrestling or real jobs." "Wrestling Rules!" "I'm in." "Yeah!" "Me too!"

[H Effect]

lol...i literally giggled at least three times and fully laughed once in that thing....i got funnyu looks from my family and i love it...keep up the good work.

[mrnoun]

[CENTER][B]The Final Days of Robbie Retro[/B] -or-[/CENTER] [CENTER][B]The [I]Last[/I] Cornellverse Diary[/B] [/CENTER] SUMMARY: This diary deals with the End Times. The mysterious Man in Black enlists the aid of five unlikely young men to complete his mission and bring the Eisen empire to its knees. PROMOTION: "Five Guys Wrestling", FGW. The guys aren't very good with names. --Location: Great Lakes, USA. --Prestige: 0 --Overness: 5% Great Lakes, 0% elsewhere. --Staff: The five guys. The Man in Black will be the User Character. --Style: Cutting Edge. Sydney came up with the idea when Irwin kept insisting on cutting the crusts off his sandwiches. --Starting Money: $60,000. $10,000 from each of the mysterious men at the meeting. Though it was like pulling teeth getting Beard Guy #2's money. CHARACTERS: --All skills are randomly determined by the simple process of rolling two dice. The character's area of expertise gets a 30-point bonus. Each also takes a $200 a month salary from the company to pay their share of the rent. This will increase as the company increases in size. The characters' skill in their area of expertise will also increase by a random amount when the company levels up. --Charley Steckline, the referee. Possibly the single blandest person ever born, but he looks good in a striped shirt (+30 Ref, +30 Looks). --Irwin Krawchuk, the road agent. Meticulous or obsessive-compulsive, depending on whether you ask his mother or his psychiatrist. (+30 Psych, Driven) --Kirby Stoppekotte, the announcer. Managed a D in Public Speaking, handily beating out all his roommates' grades. (+30 Mic, +30 Respect, Manipulative) --Mitch Wanous, the owner. The only one with business experience, having owned a lemonade stand. Speaks fluent Swahili, which alas, is not in the game data. (+30 Business, Professional) --Sydney Wardrup, the writer. Long-winded and self-important, just like the narrator! (+30 Booking, Egomaniac, Free Spirit) SPECIAL RULES: Each month, there is a small random chance that one of the Seven Signs will emerge. These will be represented by edits to the appropriate game regions: if, for example, massive earthquakes destroy Los Angeles and San Fransisco, the Southwest region will be altered to reflect the much smaller surviving fanbase. If at any time after the seventh sign an Eisen owns the "biggest" promotion (having the most prestige, or winning Best Promotion), the game ends. If the Eisens get put out of business, the game ends. Which one constitutes a victory will be left as an exercise for the reader. Please forgive me if updates are infrequent; this writing style is somewhat time consuming.

[Number_Six]

Brilliant. Hilarious. Two thumbs up. I take it you've experienced that unpleasant drive into Dayton a few times?

[mrnoun]

>>I take it you've experienced that unpleasant drive into Dayton a few times? Actually, not that particular drive. I did pass through Dayton a couple years ago while driving cross-country (and again on the return trip), and the traffic is unpleasant. But I'm from Massachussetts, so I was really drawing on my experiences heading into Boston for inspiration. I set this diary (wait, what do you call it here? A dynasty? Every site uses different jargon) dynasty in the mid-west because (A) there's no indy in the mid-west in the Cornellverse, and (B) if I set it in New England, it would turn into a bunch of in-jokes and unprovoked potshots at those worthless scumbags from New Hampshire. Whoops! Ignore that.

[mrnoun]

Late 2005: Littleton, Minnesota. "So, uh, guys... you know how we started a wrestling promotion?" "Uh... yeah? That's why the investors gave us all this money. Hey, pass the caviar, Chuck." "No prob, here ya go... what a bunch of suckers!" "Well, uh, do you guys think we should possibly, maybe, you know, run a show or something?" "Nope." "Nah." "Meh." "Wrestling sucks." "That was the SEC on the phone." "Cool! Did my Kentucky Wildcats season tickets come in?" "Uh, not that SEC. Seems our investors' money has just about run out, and we haven't actually, you know, delivered a product. They said something about 'fraud'." "Let's run a wrestling show!" "I'm in!" "Yeah!" "Wrestling rocks!" *** One week later. "So, uh, what qualifications do you have to run a wrestling show, Mr... uh... In Black?" Mitch asked the mysterious stranger. "Well, I once gutted a man just for asking too many questions. I think that makes me highly qualified to run any kind of business," replied the Man In Black. "How does... er, I mean, welcome aboard, sir!" And so the Man In Black took his place at the head of FGW. *** "So let me see if I can get this straight," said the Man In Black. "If we have less than ten... uh, wrestling guys... what did you say the word for them was, again?" "Workers." "Yeah, worker guys. If we have less than ten of them, people will think we aren't a serious company. Right?" "Right. They'll think we're small time." "But we ARE small time." "The trick is not to let them know that." "Oh, okay. So we need to hire ten of the guys on this list, whom we have contacted for meetings. Preferably the cheapest. Who's first?" There came at that moment a knock on the office door. Mitch and the Man In Black looked up. "That would be, uh... Kurt Hutchcraft, more popularly known as "American Elemental". He's a bit early for his meeting, but that's okay. Come in!" A depressingly skinny man of about 5-foot-2 came in, adjusting his glasses. "Uh, is this the Medallion Insurance Company building?" "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm afraid this is no longer the Medallion Insurance Company building. They found that they no longer had a use for the building, so now we're using it," replied the Man In Black, who had seen to it that the company in fact did not have a use any longer for the building. "Is there any chance they left a forwarding address or something? I was supposed to have a job interview, but they never got back to me," said the small man. "Well, I don't happen to have their forwarding address at hand, but I'll see what I can do to you. Come along, we'll head down to the Records room and I'll see if I can send you on your way to join them," said the Man In Black, checking his suit pocket to make sure he had his knife. *** Some time later, having changed his suit to hide the bloodstains, the Man In Black returned to the office to rejoin Mitch. "Perfect timing, Kurt just called on his cell. He was having trouble finding the building because he's never been in the area, but he should be here any minute." "So what's with the whole 'American Elemental' thing?" "I dunno. Some Japanese crap." "Oh, his name didn't sound Japanese." "He's not. Well, I don't think he is. I think he just likes the slant-eyed bastards for some reason." "In that case, I'd suggest not calling them 'slant-eyed bastards' during the meeting." "That must be him at the door now," said Mitch as someone knocked at the door. "Come in!" This time, the man who entered was a little more promising. While not exactly a professional body builder, the man at least looked like an athlete, and was only a shade under 6 feet. While his suit was cheaply made, he had at least made the effort. But what was most striking about him was the bright red, white and blue mask. "Welcome, welcome! I trust you had no difficulties finding the room?" asked Mitch. "Oh, no, no problem at all. Your secretary downstairs pointed me in just the right direction," answered Hutchcraft. "Oh, good. Well, if you'll have a seat, we can get started, Mr. Hutchcraft--" "No, call me Elemental." "Uh, we'd prefer to keep this on a serious business level--" "So would I. If I wanted things to be friendly, I'd have asked you to call me American. I had my name legally changed for copyright purposes, you see." "Er... okay... Mr. Elemental it is, then," said Mitch, dubiously. "What's with the mask?" blurted the Man In Black. "What mask?" asked Elemental. "Um, the mask you're wearing." "I'm wearing a mask?" asked Elemental, reaching up to feel his face. "Oh, why so I am! I hadn't even realized I still had this old thing on. You know how it is: after a while, you just get used to it, it becomes like a second skin, you don't even notice it." "So, what do you have to offer our company?" "I work cheap." "Thank you, I believe that is all we need to know for now. And let me tell you, at this point, you are the leading candidate for the position." The men shook hands and Elemental thanked them for the opportunity, then he left the office. "One thing still confuses me, though," said the Man In Black. "What's that?" "When did we hire a secretary?" And so, the hiring process continued...

[Midnightnick]

Why am I imagining American Elemental as Warrior now? This is an awesome diary. I'll be reading.

[mrnoun]

Selected highlights from other interviews: "So your name is Hell Monkey." "Correct." "And you want how much money, again?" "1100 a show should be about right." "And your name is... Hell Monkey?" "That's right." "And you want 1100 a show." "Correct." "1100 a show, for a guy named Hell Monkey." "Again, that's right." "Get out of my office." *** "So... Thomas Morgan, is it?" "That's correct, sir." "Good, good. Tommy, we're thinking--" "Thomas." "Hmm?" 'Thomas, not Tommy." "Oh, okay. Tommy, we're thinking--" "Wait, are you TRYING to antagonize me, little man?" "Big words, from someone who's been on the unemployment line for months." "Sorry, sir. Tommy is fine." *** "Ah, Mr... Brendan Idol, is it? Is that your real name?" "No, sir. I changed it from Brendan Gravenbeel." "Well, that's perfectly understandable. And you'll work how cheap?" *** "Ah, Mr. Nelson, welcome. Shane, is it?" "Hello!" "Yes, hello Mr. Nelson. Is it okay if I call you Shane?" "Hello!" "Um, hello..." "My name is Shane! What's yours?" "Um... you'll work how cheap?" *** "Marcelino Calcatarra... am I pronouncing that right?" "Me llaman Champán Lover. I no speakuh di good Anglish." "Um... you work how cheap?" *** "Vinnie 'Black Eagle' Ventrone?" "Yeah, what's it to ya, ya moof?" "So how many times did you fail the fireman's exam?" "What you sayin' 'bout me?" "Nothing, nothing, just talking to myself. What kind of wage were you looking for?" *** "John Greed. Is that your real name?" "Oddly enough, yes." "I suppose with a name like that, you don't work cheap." "You'd be surprised." *** "So you're 19, and you still call yourself Mikey?" "Yeah, what's your point?" "No wonder you had to get a black belt. How cheap do you work?" *** "Welcome, Mr. Speed. Hopefully, we'll be able to get this meeting over with quickly." "Please don't make puns about my name." "The let's just cut to the quick. What kind of a wage are you hoping to run here?" *** "Mario Heroic... that can't be your real name." "Actually, I changed it for legal reasons." "Oh, we've got another guy who had to change his for copyright reasons, too." "No, not copyright reasons. I killed a hooker in Tijuana." *** And so, the initial roster was set.

[That Crazy Guy]

Freaking hilarious. Best lines by far: "No, not copyright reasons. I killed a hooker in Tijuana." "Big words, from someone who's been on the unemployment line for months." But the winner is... "So your name is Hell Monkey." "Correct." "And you want how much money, again?" "1100 a show should be about right." "And your name is... Hell Monkey?" "That's right." "And you want 1100 a show." "Correct." "1100 a show, for a guy named Hell Monkey." Sign Hell Monkey, and push Mikey James.

[mrnoun]

Friday, 1 December 05 Sixteen sat, surrounding the table. It was the new company's first full meeting. The Man In Black scanned the faces, trying to familiarize himself with his new employers and underlings. First, of course, were the five guys. Charley wasn't really paying attention to the meeting, but he was sporting a particularly nice striped shirt that day, so no one minded. Irwin was quietly making Road Runner noises to himself. Mitch was looking through his notes, trying to at least make a show of professionality. And Sydney was trying to convince Kirby that a Mr. Bean based character would get over. Across the table was Vinnie Ventrone, who would be adopting his Plague persona for the company. As one of the company's more experienced and well-respected workers, he would be taking charge of the locker room. He had a small but fanatical fanbase, even in the midwest, who would go out of their way to buy his indy tapes. This made him ideal main event fodder. But Vinnie wasn't particularly good at working the crowd. He needed an opposite number who could cover for those flaws. The perfect pick for the role was Mario Heroic. The Man In Black found he rather liked Mario, a happy-go-lucky sort who couldn't even be phased by the haunting memory of the death screams of a hooker. With solid in-ring abilities and one of wrestling's most memorable catchphrases, Mario was as close to a sure thing as anyone in the business. Young Marcelino Calcatarra would be reprising his role as Champagne Lover which had met with such success in Mexico. Without a strong command of the local language, however, he would have to rely on his solid in-ring skills instead of his charisma. Opposite Lover sat American Elemental, the weirdo who never took his mask off. Like Marcelino, he had solid in-ring skills, but balanced them with a good grasp of his native tongue. The two would fill the upper-midcard role. Next came Brendan Idol, a young kid with plenty of potential as an all-around performer, but who hadn't yet come close to filling it. He would be playing a midcard role as the little guy who keeps getting picked on, but never gives up. Opposite Idol was Mikey James, another youngster in need of serious development. Mikey lacked Brendan's spark of charisma, but had a much stronger athletic background. He would be playing a comedy midcard role in hopes of developing some onscreen personality: a dorky kid who pretended to be a ninja, but was always getting beaten up by the bigger guys. Filling the first opening tag team role would be the unlikely pairing of Marc Speed and John Greed: Greed for Speed. Speed, a serious, no-nonsense performer with a solid grounding in submission wrestling, would take the role of a sly, urban schemer from the big city of St. Paul. Greed, a natural joker with a knack for getting along with people, would play his comedy relief sidekick. Opposing them was the face duo Trademark Style: slick, polished veteran "Trademark" Tommy Morgan would keep the team grounded, while flashy youngster "Stylin'" Shane Nelson, a mild idiot savant, would provide the flashy high-flying and athleticism. They would play a couple of fun-loving guys who just like to go out and party. The Man In Black didn't know much about wrestling, but he was pretty sure this wasn't the greatest group of talent ever assembled. But still, it would have to do. And from what he could tell, a couple of these guys had pretty good reputations; maybe they could get the job done after all. With a sigh, he called the meeting to order. "Afternoon, all, I'm glad you could all make it today. We have a few things to go over; hopefully it won't take too long. First off, I hope you all have Saturday night free, because we're going to be trying to run a show." "Hello!" "...yes. Hello Shane." "I work for CGC!" "No, no Shane. You work for CGC [I]next[/I] Saturday. This Saturday you're free." "Okay, mister!" "Anyone else?" Mario looked up from translating for Champagne Lover and shook his head no, SOTBPW didn't have a show. "How about you, Vinnie?" "Nah, CZCW runs Mondays." "All right, we're pushing ahead with the Saturday plan. Kirby, how are those flyers coming along?" "Saturday night, Five Guys Wrestling. Just like you said, boss." "Uh, boss?" "Yes, John?" The Man In Black prepared for the worst. "Don't you kinda think... Five Guys Wrestling kinda sounds like the title of a gay porn video?" As stupid as the line was, there were snickers around the table; it's all in the delivery, and John had the knack. "Yeah, and Burning Hammer doesn't," replied the Man In Black, who didn't. Somewhere, a cricket chirped. "Ahem. Getting back to business. Mitch and I have been going over the books, and it seems likely, given our current situation, that we're going to end the year in the red. Our goal is to break even, but we can manage a small loss. Anything up to about $60,000 is acceptable. Because we have that leeway, our primary focus will be on building a brand name and giving the fans a reason to want to spend money on us." What Mitch had actually said was, "Dude, we've got like 60 grand to burn, don't sweat the money too much. Just pay us our share and make sure we don't go into debt, because that would totally screw with our credit ratings, and they already, like, suck. Oh, and if you can get our names out there, that would be totally awesome, cause it would rock to go up to some chick and be all like, 'Yeah, I own a wrestling company,' and they'd be all like, 'Yeah? Which one?' and then I tell them and like they totally recognize it and I get to nail them!" The Man In Black continued the meeting. "All right, I think that's it for old business... anyone else have any issues to bring up? No? Then let's get this show planned." *** Card for Saturday, 1 December 2005: FGW Pays the Bills Mario Heroic vs. Plague for the Five Guys Championship (D Heat) American Elemental vs. Mikey the Ninja (E) Brendan Idol vs. Champagne Lover (F) Need for Greed vs. Trademark Style (F)

[Midnightnick]

My predictions. Plague Am Em. Idol Need for Greed

[mrnoun]

Saturday, 1 December 2005: The Armory at Littleton, Minnesota "Hey, look! Someone actually showed up!" "Mitch says we sold 44 tickets. That's, uh, 44 times something dollars. How much were we selling them for again?" "Not enough. We're going to be losing money tonight. But that's okay, that's part of the plan. Are John and Marc ready? They're supposed to warm up the crowd." *** In the ring, John and Marc were telling the crowd how unbearably dull a little hick town in the middle of nowhere like Littleton was, compared to the hustle and bustle of St. Paul. The crowd, having been stuck in Littleton their whole lives, shrugged and admitted they were probably right. So much for heel heat. (F) Out came Trademark Style, apparently to defend the honor of small towns everywhere. Because nothing says "Small town" quite like a mildly retarded guy hugging the referee, then beating the stuffing out of someone. Marc Speed went over with a handful of tights, to utter indifference from the crowd. (E) Next up was Brendan Idol, who wanted to prove he could hang with the big boys by challenging the biggest man on the roster: Champagne Lover. The crowd had to admit that yep, Brendan's kind of small. But the other guy wasn't that big, so what was the point? (E) Lover came out and made short work of Brendan, finishing with the Champagne Breakfast. The crowd rather liked Lover, who actually looked like a real wrestler. (D) A video showed American Elemental stopping for coffee and a bagel earlier in the day, still wearing his mask. (D) Elemental then came out and fought Mikey the Ninja, winning fairly easily. More importantly, the crowd rather enjoyed the matchup of the two comedy acts, who played well off each other. (C-) Next was the headliner: Mario Heroic vs. Plague. A wild, back-and-forth aerial battle ended with a Hero Attack for the pin and the title. (C) After the match, an embarrassed Plague nailed Heroic from behind as he celebrated. A (too) lengthy beatdown followed, while the crowd filed out, not aware the show wasn't over. (F) Overall: C- "Boss," said Mario at the post-show staff meeting. "Just a couple things... Charley, well, he looks good in a striped shirt... but he sucks as a ref. You see how many times he missed his cues? He nearly botched the three count in the title match! And Irwin... well, he's meticulous and he works hard, but frankly, he doesn't know anything about wrestling. And did you hear Kirby's commentary? We really need better staff, across the board." "I'll look into it, but for now, I think we should use those guys, since we have to pay them anyways. Is there any [I]good[/I] news?" "Well, Elemental and Mikey, they were supposed to just wrestle an extended squash. But you saw that match: they really complemented each other well. I think we should milk that matchup for all it's worth. Brendan Idol didn't look good at first, but by the end of the match he seemed to be getting into the flow of it much better, for what it's worth. A couple of the fans mentioned on their way out that they'd like to see us again; Elemental and I came out of the show looking particularly good." Mitch interjected at this point. "The bad news is, we lost a bundle on the show. $4000 in wages, plus $700 for arena rental and incidental expenses, while we only brought in $88 in ticket sales. We're going to have to do something about that." "All right... now that we've done our introductory show, we'll cut back to quick, half-hour specials and use minimal talent on each show, to reduce our per-show losses. I know I said we could afford a loss, but $5000 is a bit too much. Any suggestions for our next show?" "I say we run Elemental/Mikey again, and work in Brendan, so he can apply what he learned tonight," said Mario. "Good suggestions," said Mitch. "Those guys are all incredibly cheap. We should run Brendan out there with John, to minimize our wages." "Hey, I like a paycheck as much as the next guy," said John, "but we should be sending Brendan out there against a veteran who can teach him more than I can. I think we can afford to use Vinnie without going bankrupt. Vinnie or Lover; Brendan and Lover worked well enough together last time." "Actually, I was planning to try running another show on Monday. You're working the CZCW show Monday night, right, Vinnie?" "Of course. They pay me a lot more'n you do." "So it's Lover, then." Sydney spoke up. "I don't like the idea of running a show without a name main eventer. We can afford running Mario out there, can't we? It'll boost ticket sales, and make the fans happier." "Okay, so we're looking at Elemental/Mikey, and Brendan/Mario, on Monday. Any other suggestions?" "One question, boss... won't running so many shows in such a short period of time burn out the local crowd?" "Hmm... you think so? Oh, well, we can pop over the border into North Dakota, can't we? They've never seen us over there." *** Card for Monday, 2 December 2005: FGW Pays the Bills American Elemental vs. Mikey the Ninja Mario Heroic (c) vs. Brendan Idol for the Five Guys Championship

[Midnightnick]

That was a good show. Congrats on having Mikey and Elemental complement each other. [B]American Elemental[/B] vs. Mikey the Ninja [B]Mario Heroic[/B] (c) vs. Brendan Idol

[Number_Six]

A MR. BEAN BASED CHARACTER!!! Your reading audience now demands this. It is the will of the people.

[mrnoun]

1 December 2005: This Week in Pro Wrestling Over in jolly old Britain, the well-known powerhouse Travis Cool won the 21CW Strong Style championship at Psycho Circus, in front of 300 mildly entertained Londoners (C- show). Up in Scotland, Geordie Jimmy took over as head booker of MOSC and brought the Tower of London, Danny Patterson, with him. 1700... Edinburoughites? Edinburgers? Edin... whatevers... watched a solid show as Joss Thompson retained the championship against the Highland Warrior. (C) In the Midlands, Walter "Stretcher" Morgan was given the head job in RoF, and announced a show scheduled for two weeks from Sunday. In mainland Europe, UCR announced they would be killing off their women's division, releasing Miss Information, Anna Ki, Alpha Female, Speedy Marie, Jeri Behr, and Cannonball Logan, who is apparently a little girly man, according to head booker Herschel the Hammer. On Thursday, 4731 turned out in Antwerp, despite the machinations of the Belgian National Football Team, to watch a solid but unspectacular show. (C) The next day in Danzig, a mere 2000 showed up, and the dead crowd hurt some of the performances. (C-) Over in Japan, Burning Hammer had a 15,000 fan sell-out witness Raul Hughes retain against Eiji Hamacho. Always nice to see the most presitgious championship in Japan around the waist of an American. U! S! A! U! S! A! (B) Meanwhile, PGHW cut loose Hito Ichihara, and promptly rose to National size. Coincidence? I think not. Hito Ichihara: single-handedly holding back wrestling promotions for 48 years. At King's Road, Buddy Garner defeated Noriyori Sanda for the Historical Japan title, putting yet another prestigious Japanese title in American hands. U! S! A! U! S! A! (B) Golden Canvas Grappling announced a BIG signing this past week, in that Eisuke Yoshinobu apparently put on a LOT of weight after his knee injury. 2000 filled a bingo hall to near fire hazard proportions to witness a mediocre tag main event, but were preasantly surprised when Toshiharu Hyobanshi and Takayuki 2000 stole the show on the undercard. (C+) WLW brought in good old Sadakuno Nishimuraya, because you can never have enough guys who use the clawhold. It's the closest thing to pure gold in the modern wrestling industry. Meanwhile, Kurofuji's insistence on pushing Boogerman, Masked Couger, and The Tic is going to hurt that company someday, and Awesome Thunder won't always be around to bail them out at the end of the show. (C) Ryu Kajahara promised us garbage, then nearly delivered the match of the week, a wild brawl with Ohishi. Somehow, they managed to spoil it, thanks to the strange booking choice of a "no contest" finish. But hey, the geezers can still go. (C) On the women's side of things, 5-Star spent the week retooling their support staff, bringing aboard Mr. Miwa, Katsuhiko Shunsen, Takayuki Kajiwara, and... Hito Ichihara. Expect 5-Star to shut down within a year. Hito Ichihara: killing thriving Independent promotions for 48 years. Way down Mexico way, MPWF made some minor adjustments backstage, bringing aboard Luis Montero and Teadoro Nieto. OLLIE had a more interesting week, pulling in just over 4000 fans for a solid show featuring three title defenses. Topping the card were El Critico and El Leon, with Jaime Shermano capturing the title from the Lion in another contender for match of the week. (C+) Things were quiet South of the Border, with the only news being two of their bigger stars, Champagne Lover and Mario Heroic, inexplicably deciding to work a show for some two-bit, no-name promotion in the US. In the Great White North, 4C also had a fairly quiet week. They did, however, bring aboard the lovely and talented Emma Chase, which means there are now two reasons to watch their shows. Over in Winnipeg, CGC drew just under 10,000 to watch Ricky and Steve DeColt go to a double DQ with DaLay and Maverick, as the never-ending DeColt-Elite feud drags on and on and on and on. And on. And on. (C+) Up North of the Border, the Stone family dipped into the Indy scene to bring in some new faces, and one old heel, this week: Matty Phatty, Jakki White Trash, Ted Ross, and Johnny Bloodstone. Wednesday night's main event, however, was given away early after Edd Stone and Dan Stone Jr. both lost earlier in the show. No one bought for a second that Jeremy Stone and Sean McFly were going to lose, too. (B-) Scanning the American Indy scene, the big story is out of CZCW, where Cliff Anderson apparently lost a bet or something and had to give Herb Stately a job as head booker. They continued their tour of high school gyms, drawing 300 for a show stolen by Plague and Insane Machine in the midcard. (C) Heading east, the big news in USPW was, of course, the loss of National Champion Johnny Bloodstone. But the even bigger news, that shook the entire wrestling world... Giant Redwood [I]jobbed[/I]. (C) Heading north a bit, Rip Chord had a quiet week. Wanting to at least get a mention in this column, though, he fired Persephone. Up in New York, things were a little more hectic. First was the reshuffling at the top of the promotion, as Deano Machino was brought in as head booker. Dean's first move was cutting loose Marv Earnest. He followed that up with a surprisingly solid debut show, entertaining 300 lucky fans in Poughkeepsie with an American Buffalo/Travis Century main event. (C+) On the womens' side, AAA cut loose Ellie May Walton and used her salary to bring aboard ref Ryan Holland. A lackluster show on Tuesday was stolen by Glorious Power and Good Lookin' Bunny, despite a cheap finish. (C-) DAVE's big story was the loss of half their roster, of course. But they still went out and put on a show. And as long as they keep Bryan Holmes, and keep pushing him, they should remain viable. (B-) TCW played a minor role this week, signing Corporal Doom, Shane Sneer, and Carl Batch. On Tuesday, Cornell and Johnson blew away the competition for match of the week. (B+) But the real winner this week was SWF. The Eisens signed away the Human Arsenal, Henry Lee, Joey Minnesota, Craig Prince, Vin Tanner, Danny B Bling, Wanda Fish, Jenny Playmate, Dawn the Cheerleader, and backstage workers Dylan Sidle and Micky Starr. And with all that, they still put on a solid show top to bottom on Tuesday, with Jack Bruce going over Joe Sexy for the North American championship. (B+) How about that! *** Robbie Retro Watch: Robbie, Bart Biggz, and Groucho Bling went over Flex, Pecs, and Andre Jones this week. (C)

[Number_Six]

What did Bart Goor and Mbo Mpenza ever do to you? I predict a stable of Belgians hellbent on revenge invading FGW any day now.... any day.

[mrnoun]

Monday, 2 December 2005 Blumen, North Dakota. Population 4156. Not exactly the cultural center of North Dakota, but then, if you're looking for the cultural center of North Dakota, you're probably bound for disappointment anyways. The Blumen Municipal High School Gymnasium was dingy, poorly lit, and, for reasons which this narrator would not care to discover, smelled vaguely of cat urine. "You know, I've been wondering, why don't you just bring a knife to the ring? Yeah, you'd get DQ'd, but once everyone else in the company was dead, you'd be sure to be the #1 guy." "Uh, that's kinda not the point, boss," answered Mario. "You see, the guys aren't really trying to hurt each other. They're just pretending. Didn't anyone tell you?" "Oh. I guess that makes sense. And it explains why you killed the hooker in Tijuana." *** Now that he had gasped the whole "wrestling is fake" thing, the Man In Black could fix some problems. First, he told Mario that he was now in charge of helping the guys set up their matches. Irwin just didn't have the knack. Next, he pulled Kirby from announcing duty, and let no-nonsense Tommy take play-by-play, with John on color. "On the plus side, we don't have to worry about getting nervous in front of large crowds," cracked John. The gym couldn't hold many people, but even taking that into account, the crowd of 14 was a bit... sparse. "Don't worry, they'll get bigger once we get out name out there and start building a reputation," said Tommy, reasonably but unhelpfully. "Yeah. Someday we'll be playing in front of 14 NBA players," answered John, who didn't know when to quit. Finally the show started, with Mikey the Ninja in the ring, giving a martial arts exhibition. A particularly bad martial arts exhibition. At last, he was interrupted by American Elemental, who threatened to show him some REAL martial arts. (D) The subsequent match between the two was just as solid as their debut, boosted somewhat by John's wisecracks at Elemental's expense. The lack of a competent referee continued to stand out, though. Elemental picked up the win. (C-) Next, Mario came out to give his new catchphrase a try. It didn't go over very well with the conservative midwestern crowd. (F) Possibly distracted by the projectiles being thrown into the ring, or more likely, the guy in the back calling the police, Mario and Brendan put on a terrible match. Mario retained the title with the Hero Attack. (D) Overall: D. "Well, that didn't work out too well." "Now, don't say that. The guy in blue said he'd be keeping his eye on us, for sure." "Yes, but he was a police officer." "Come on. He obviously enjoyed our show. He didn't even arrest any of us!" "Okay guys, cut the crap. Mitch, what's the damage?" "Another three grand down the drain." "Well, it's an improvement. Mario, do we have any good news?" "Not really. The bad news was that Brendan and I should probably avoid ever coming anywhere near the same ring again. And I should probably never touch a microphone again. About the only things I'd put on the good side of the ledger were Tommy and John, who were solid on commentary. Oh, and Elemental and Mikey are still solid together, too." "What day do you and Lover have the Mexican show, again?" "We're working South of the Border on Friday. Are you planning another quick turnaround, boss?" "That depends. Mitch, you found us a venue, yet?" "There's this place down in Oklahoma. I'm sorry." "All right, we're going to make your drive to Mexico a little shorter, Mario. We're working Oklahoma on Wednesday." *** Card for Wednesday, 2 December 2005: -American Elemental vs. Mikey the Ninja -Mario Heroic (c) vs. Champagne Lover for the Five Guys Championship.

[mrnoun]

Where we aren't afraid to steal gimmicks from other diaries when we've gone creatively bankrupt... Welcome to the Retro Zone! Wednesday, 2 December 2005 The sign read Evanston, Oklahoma: population 7931. It was somewhat misleading, though, as if you don't count cattle, the population was closer to 2500. The town didn't actually have a high school gymnasium, but old Jed Doolally had rigged his barn up special so the boys could work. "Uh, Boss? We got trouble. Charley's sulking in the van and refuses to come out until John apologizes for saying striped shirts are ugly. We might have to find a fill-in ref for tonight." "Not an issue, Mario. I believe you've met Mr. Libertine before?" "[I]Doctor[/I] Libertine, thank you very much. I didn't spend six years as a post-grad at NYU to be called [I]Mister[/I]." "Oh, I didn't know you had a doctorate!" "You mean, you [I]haven't[/I] read my dissertation?" replied Dr. Libertine, handing the Man in Black a thick sheaf of papers entitled [I]On the Nature of Conflict Resolution Within the Sphere of Two-Sided Disputes Between Groups Consisting of No More or No Less Than Four Individuals, Confined Within a Steel Cage, Wherein Settlement Can Be Achieved Only Via Submission.[/I] "I'll, uh, read it later." And so, with a new referee in place, the show could begin. *** Before the show, Mikey warmed up the crowd with an amazing martial arts display, splitting a board in two with nothing more than a large chainsaw! (D) The show itself opened with video footage of a masked American Elemental buying a Slushie and some beef jerky from a convenience store, still masked. (D) Mikey and Elemental then put on their usual match. (C-) Champagne Lover came out next, and explained in broken English that he could get any woman he wanted, any time he wanted, and that he would demonstrate on a volunteer from the audience. Unfortunately, none of the 10 people in attendance were actually women. (D) Finally, out came Mario Heroic to defend the honor of the... well, the middle-aged, overweight farmer Lover had kissed. The match itself was quite solid, and Heroic retained. (C) Overall: C "Okay, Mitch. What's the damage?" "I'm not doing any more work until John apologizes!" "John's apologizing to Charley right now, Mitch. It's all going to be okay." "Charley? Screw that, John needs to apologize to ME! Right now! Or else!" "What? What happened?" "You should have heard what he called me! If he doesn't apologize to me in the next 10 seconds, I want you to fire him!" "Calm down, jeez!" "I'm counting! 10... 9..." "Um... okay. Mario, what's the situation?" "Well, the show went over pretty well, all things considered. No real bad news from my end, though we probably lost money. That's Mitch's department, though." "6... 5... uh... what comes next?" "You skipped 7. Anyways, I'd say the biggest negative is that apparently, those idiots in the crowd enjoy Champagne Lover's broken English more than they enjoy my fluent English! I swear, I'm going to burn this dump to the ground." "7... 4..." "All right, guys, here's the plan. We're going to take a week off, then head back home to Minnesota for a big one-hour show a week from Sunday. We're sticking to Mikey/Elemental, of course, but any suggestions on other matchups are welcome." "8..." "Vinnie's the only guy the crowd really buys as a challenger, so I should probably face him." "Good point, Mario. Other than that, uh... we should probably try the tag match again. That leaves Brendan and Lover as the other matchup. Which is identical to our debut show. That doesn't sound promising. Any suggestions on changes?" "Break up the tag teams," said Tommy. "John can work the opener with Brendan. Then I can wrestle Marc." "That leaves the guy who can't speak English against the idiot--let me finish--savant," said John. "Doc can walk 'em through it," said Mario. "So it's settled. All right, everyone in the van. Mario, you and Lover have a good time in Mexico. Oh, and here's my matchbook." "2... 1... hey, where'd everyone go?" *** Card for Sunday 3 December 2005: Brendan Idol vs. John Greed Tommy Morgan vs. Marc Speed Shane Nelson vs. Champagne Lover American Elemental vs. Mikey the Ninja Mario Heroic vs. Plague for the Five Guys Championship

[Monkeypox]

This is the funniest read on the boards.

[mrnoun]

Monday, 3 December 2005 "Hey, Boss." "Silence!" "But Boss, it's important. North of the Border has offered me--" "I said, 'Silence!'" bellowed the Man in Black, pushing his employee out the door. "Tommy can handle it. I'm watching my TV show!" "But I [I]am[/I] Tommy," he said, as the door slammed in his face. *** Welcome back to [I]This Week In Pro Wrestling![/I] [B]UK/Europe[/B] The only news in Europe this week was UCR taking their International Wrestling Superstars show to Vienna, where 2000 Austrians were so annoyed by the double-DQ main event between Sergei Kalashnov and the Scheming Behemoth that they annexed Hungary on the spot. (C- show) [B]Japan[/B] Burning Hammer drew just over 8000 on Monday for Lords of the Ring, with Super Joshuya and Awesome Kiyaru stealing the show on the undercard. Really, there was no way Everest was going to match them during his main event. (B-) GCG spent much of the week retooling their backstage, bringing in Munenori Umari, Stunner Okazawaya, and Ryuzaburo Sugiyama. On Saturday, they demonstrated to a crowd of 2000 that their shows still aren't that great, but hey, their backstage is [I]spectacular.[/I] (C+) On Thursday, PGHW drew 5000 for their King's Road show, featuring a bunch of Canadians fighting a bunch of Americans. Puroresu as booked by the Stone family! (B) WLW brought aboard Motoichi Arakida, a move certain to tilt the balance of puroresu forever. Awesome Thunder and Dark EAGLE then rescued the company from a truly dreadful show with a brilliant main event. (B-) On the women's side, 5-Star parted ways with Akikazu Miyagi, because there's no way the company could ever use [I]two[/I] referees. And finally, the Wrestle Peace Festival: -Burning Hammer sent out Hughes/Kikkawa to have a MOTYC. (B+) -PGHW responded with Team Dynasty 2000 battling the Vesseys (B) -5SSW suffered because Hike insisted on being in the main event, while Nakadan and Ogiwara stole the show earlier. (C) -GCG featured Pete Hall and Jack Marlowe. (B-) -And WLW put on yet another cruddy show saved by Thunder. (C+) [B]Mexico[/B] MPWF decided announcer Mario Serrano looked a little too much like Sam the Eagle, and cut ties with him. They then put on a rare show consisting entirely of tag team matches. (C+) OLLIE took a week off. (Incomplete) And SOTBPW drew 4000 for a show headlined by a six-man tag, with Champagne Lover's team going over Mario Heroic's team. (C+) [B]Canada[/B] Up in CGC, the DeColts went American-crazy, bringing aboard The Natural and Captain USA, both of whom should fit in [I]perfectly[/I] with the CGC style. They also signed Jason Rogers, because you can never have enough mediocre 50-year-olds. Which I believe was the same reasoning they used for Captain USA. They then doubled up on shows over the weekend, with the DeColts winning two of three on Saturday (C+) and settling for a 1-1 split on Sunday (C+). The Stones had a busy week, officially announcing the signings of Johnny Bloodstone, Owen Love, and Brent Hill. The mayor of Halifax declared it "30-Something Unpopular Technical Wrestlers Week" in the city. Meanwhile, there was wrestling to do. McFly and Hayes headlined a not-quite-sold-out show on Wednesday (B), then McFly and Jeremy Stone battled The Natural and a debuting Bloodstone on Saturday (B). [B]USA Indies[/B] MAW had a big week, signing Cliff Wilson and rising to Small size despite a pretty mediocre show on Monday (D). NYCW confirmed the losses of Joey Minnesota and Grandmaster Phunk, but made no move to replace them. USPW's big news was that they parted ways with Sheik Mustafa, which well demonstrates what a poor news week it was on the Indy scene. On the women's side, AAA confirmed the departure of Wanda Fish for SWF, then signed Adrian Garcia to replace her, confirming certain rumors. [B]The Big Three[/B] DAVE spent the week jobbing out the departing Henry Lee, as he dropped his farewell match to Eric Tyler on Thursday's show (B-). TCW's big move for the week was signing Stetson Hatt. Cornell never could resist a cheesy pun. Tuesday night in Cheyenne, a small but sold-out crowd watched Cornell retain against Stevie Grayson. (B-) SWF spent the week officially confirming the signings of everyone and their kid brother: Henry Lee, Wanda Fish, Joey Minnesota, Jenny Playmate, Craig Prince, Danny B. Bling, and Vin Tanner joined the company, and rumors of Kurt Laramee and Darryl Devine signing contracts were confirmed. Surprisingly, they also found time to run a pair of shows. On Tuesday, Skull DeBones battled Remo in a "Proof that All Those Signings Haven't Changed the Way the Eisens Book" Match (B+), then on Thursday, Runaway Train and Jack Bruce made sure no one missed the point of the Tuesday match. Plus, Eric Eisen put himself over Flex and Freddie Datsun. (B+). How about that! *** Robbie Retro Watch: Robbie defeated Andre Jones (C) at SWF Christmas Clash.

[mrnoun]

Thursday, 3 December 2005 "Hey Boss, just letting you know, I took the written deal the Stones offered me." "That's nice, Tommy. I'm glad to... wait, what?" "Remember, I told you the other day? North of the Border offered me a written deal. I took it. And it's Thomas now." "COMPANY MEETING!" *** "Okay, so here's the deal, everyone. Tommy--" "...Thomas..." "--has signed a written deal with North of the Border, and will be leaving us in a few days. To honor his long, distinguished service with our company, we'll be holding the Tommy--" "...Thomas..." "--Morgan Memorial Tour. Get ready to work your asses off for the next few days." *** Thursday night, Hocheloga, Minnesota "Evening, Jerry. Glad you could make it. Gentlemen, this is Jerry Martin. He'll be handling play-by-play for us, now that Tommy's--" "...Thomas..." "--leaving. Speaking of which, let's get this tour underway." As the wrestlers filed out, the Man In Black soliloquied: "And thus begins my revenge, Mr. Morgan. Someday, soon, you will come to rue the day you crossed me. And tonight, 36 people will witness the beginning of your downfall. Mr. Morgan, you have made a huge mis--" "What was that, boss?" "Uh, nothing." *** --The show opened with Tommy ("...Thomas...") coming out to say goodbye to the crowd, but before he could say a word, he was jumped by Marc Speed, who promptly destroyed him in less than three minutes. (E) --Afterwards, Marc and John Greed cut an interview in the ring, claiming to be able to beat anyone, any time. (D) --Brendan Idol accepted the challenge. (F) --Idol nearly scored the upset, but Greed beat him with a foreign object shot. Idol and Greed go together like... well, Idol and Mario. They'll never see the same ring again. (E) --Next, Champagne Lover came out and was warming up for his match. His opponent, Shane, came out and gave him a hug. An annoyed Lover attacked. An even more annoyed crowd yawned. (F) --Lover and Shane then wrestled. Lover went over. Hey, the crowd woke up! (C-) --Jerry Martin went down to the ring to interview American Elemental, but no one could understand what he was saying through the mask. (D) --Mikey the Ninja came down, and they wrestled their usual match. Actually, it was a little better than usual; the guys are slowly improving. (C) --Then Mario and Plague met in the main event, with Mario retaining the title in a solid match. (C) Overall: C "Well, what did we learn today, Mario?" "A couple things. End strongly enough, and the crowd will forget just how miserably bad the rest of the show was. And second, Brendan apparently can't wrestle with anyone in the company." "Well, go and get a good night's sleep, boys; we have another show tomorrow. Don't worry, Tommy--" "...Thomas..." "--you'll be wrestling more than three minutes next time." *** Card for Friday, 3 December 2005: Tommy ("...Thomas...") Morgan vs. To Be Announced Mikey the Ninja vs. American Elemental Mario Heroic vs. Plague for the Five Guys Championship

[mrnoun]

Friday, 3 December 2005: Mustacio, Illinois: population 1474. The ballet capital of rural Illinois, Mustacio is widely ackno-- "What the hell is this!?" I hate it when they interrupt me. "Hi, Tommy!" answered the Man in Black, in an unusually chipper voice. "--Thomas--" "Yes, yes. Thomas. Everyone's sick of arguing about that. What's up?" "I reiterate: What the hell is this!?" "I dunno, what is it?" "It's tonight's schedule!" "Oh, that? Don't worry about it, I'll take care of everything. Incidentally, who gave you a copy?" "I, uh, borrowed Shane's." "You did WHAT!? You know what happens when somebody messes with his routine! Remember what happened to the drive=thru guy at McDonald's when they were out of McRibs?" Both men stopped to shudder. "I'll, uh, I'll go and, uh, put it back then. Okay?" --- Friday evening: the Mustacio Center for the Performing Arts. Attendance: 41. -The show opened with John Greed in the ring. Greed announced that tonight, in honor of the departing Thomas Morgan, the Five Guys were proud to host the Tommy Gantlet, where Thomas would get an opportunity to demonstrate his technical skills against a wide variety of opponents. (D) -Then Thomas came out and ate a quick pin from Greed. Of course, Thomas and John have great chemistry. (E) -Then a quick pin from Marc Speed. (E) -Then Shane came out and hugged Thomas goodbye. (F) -And pinned him. (E) -Then Champagne Lover pinned him. (D) -And finally, Lover proclaimed himself the winner of the Gantlet, because he pinned Morgan faster than anyone else. (E) -After the ring cleared, Mikey and Elemental did their usual, with Elemental winning. (C+... I love these guys!) -And then Mario and Plague did THEIR usual, with Mario retaining the title. (C) Overall: C. --- "So what's the damage?" "We aren't really sure. Mitch still isn't speaking to anyone." "Uh, John? You want to apologize to Mitch at some point?" "Nah, I'm good." "...uh, okay. Mario, what's the story?" "Well, the crowd got pretty sick of Thomas. And Mikey and Elemental stole the show; I'm thinking at some point, I should lose the belt to Elemental. They put on a better show than we did." "I'll take it under consideration, but we won't be making any major changes until after the Memorial Tour. Anyways, get a good night's sleep, we're in Indiana tomorrow." As they filed out, John mumbled, "Why a Memorial Tour? It's not like he's dead or anything." And the Man in Black said to himself, "...yet." --- Saturday, 3 December 2005: Thomas Morgan vs. To Be Announced Mikey vs. Elemental Mario vs. Plague Same ol', same ol'.

[jonlawson]

I think my favorite part in this whole thread so far was at the very beginning.... [QUOTE]"*I* called it," said the woman, and the men immediately fell silent. Several more minutes passed.[/QUOTE] That part had me laughing so hard, sorta like the opening scene in Zoolander :P I love this!

[theunholyicon]

I too like this, but my big pet peeve in diaries is when people just have people face off against eachother all the time because they have good chemistry. Oh well, whatever works I guess.

[eskimo38]

Easily the funniest thing I have read on any forum in quite a while. I look forward to having my unavoidable identity guesses confounded!