OLD: You're Never Too OLD to Brawl for Beer! [C-Verse XL]

3rdStringPG · September 13, 2013

Smacker's Log, 12/12/12, 11:30 a.m.

Professionally Edited for Spelling and Grammar by Brian Candido, Pro Wrestling Hits, but some mistakes left in for effect

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/TEW%202013/BigSmackScott.jpg

December 12, 2012. Twelfth day of the twelfth month of the twelfth year in the 21st century. Or is it thirteenth? Who gives a f---, Math was always my worst subject. Everything was coming up roses for the Smacker. We were booked to win a tag team battle royal at Christmas Clash, for the right to face the reigning champs, boring and mechanical Dean "American Machine" Ansell and the biggest linebacker bust since Brian Bosworth, another illiterative oaf named Des Davids. They called themselves The All-Americans? Talk about a boring name. I asked Peter if we could call ourselves Scott Mustafa and Khalid Abdul-Laramee or somethin' to get more heat, but he was blunt with his rejection - this isn't the '80s anymore, so no more Americans masquerading as evil foreigners. Anyway, where was I? We were supposed to win that battle royal and win the belts from Ansell and Davids in January, at When Hell Freezes Over. I stopped believin' in Santa Claus years ago, but judging by the gifts Peter Michaels and Richard Eisen had for us, maybe he did exist after all.

That day, we were in New York preparing for Christmas Clash when I got a text from the big boss, Richard Eisen. I didn't mind it one bit. Ricardo would often do that - call me into his office and tell me about how awesome I am. Of course he would - he liked his musclebound warriors as much as he liked his dates to be younger than his sons Eric and Jerry. So there I was, at the 14th floor of Supreme Towers, waiting in the lobby and smelling some freshly-cooked Cajun food from the old man's palatable office.

"Scott Sinclair, please proceed to Mr. Eisen's office." Man, that new secretary of his is sure a looker. I'd probably take her out tonight while the rest of the boys are rehearsing their spots or enjoying a sausage party somewhere.

Wait a minute...why the hell are Jimmy and Freddy exiting his office? They play a couple fairies on Supreme TV, and as far as I know, they're as far as you can get from tag team contention.

Suddenly, 12/12/12 didn't seem like such a lucky date anymore...

11:45 a.m.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/TEW%202013/RichardEisen.jpg

"Have some jambalaya," offered Ricardo, as I reluctantly took a few spoonfuls. Bland. I had better food at the greasy spoons I used to eat in back when I was fresh out of high school at 20 and teaching myself how to wrestle.

"Tastes great, Rick!", I lied. "So, what brings me here to your palatable office, good sir? Goin' over the finish for Christmas Clash? And what's your secretary's name?"

"I actually am," said good ol' Ricky Ricardo, my number one fan, or so I thought at that time. "The secretary's name is Walterina Frump, she has three kids, and deep religious convictions. Now about the finish..."

Bummer, Ricardo. I know you're bullshitting me because she's gonna be your date tonight, after Christmas Clash and for the entire time you're hanging out in New York...till you meet the next 20-something fox who likes richer, older men like yourself. Now about the finish?

"I am going to make you the Babe Ruth of bad guys with this here plan that I got!", said Ricardo. "You're still going over at the battle royal, but here's the beauty part. So is Jamie Lee Prudence! Hyuk-hyuk-hyuk!"

I knew it. This wasn't exactly sounding good anymore. "So what's next?"

"Your feet and Jimmy's, er...Jamie's, will be touching the ground simultaneously after you have him in a madman clothesline. That's gonna set up a rubber match at next week's Supreme TV. The Platinum Blondes are gonna win that one, and when they win, you're gonna beat the shit outta them to set up a bit of heel-vs-heel feud before When Hell Freezes Over. Then, when the Blondes go over The All-Americans next month, you and Kurt are gonna beat 'em up real good. I've given Prudence and Garcia permission to blade themselves. That's gonna get 'em major sympathy and set up a face turn for the Blondes...while you and Kurt will be the most hated heels in all of Supreme."

"Uh, Rick," I said, trying to hold my anger in, though the juice I took this morning made it very hard. "We already ARE the most hated heels in all of Supreme. What about those belts?"

Ricardo let out another hyuk-hyuk laugh, helped himself to some of his worse-than-Momma-Sinclair's cooking, and spoke with his mouth full. "You're gonna terrorize 'em all...Platinum Blondes. All-Americans. Awesomeness. You will look so close to getting the titles for most of 2013, but you're not gonna get 'em. That's gonna pump up the SWF Galaxy because you and Kurt, as the Babe Ruth and Joe DiMaggio of heels, are gonna get your comeuppance time and again. Your heat will be way past Equational levels!"

At this point I didn't care if Ricardo wanted our heat to be hotter than it is at the Equation or Equational Guinea or wherever. "All due respect, Rick, I think you're makin' us the Chicago Cubs of heels."

It went downhill from there.

12:12 p.m.

"I HAVE NEVER MET ANYONE SO UNGRATEFUL AND HARD-HEADED AS YOU ARE, SCOTT SINCLAIR!!!! YOU DON'T HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY TIMES I PUT UP WITH YOUR SHIT WRESTLING..."

"Yeah?", I replied, sweeping my hand across the table as two plastic bowls with half-finished cafeteria-level Cajun food flew off and shattered on the ground. "Well, I'll have you know that I'm on the juice." I then picked up one of Ricardo's gajillion Muscle and Fitness magazines, ripped off a page and pointed to some random beefcake with the veins on his arms about to pop. "I'm gonna be bigger than him and when I'm gone from Supreme, you're gonna f---in' be hard-pressed to find anyone with my look, my star quality, my ability in the ring. You can't fire me, Richard Eisen..."

I could hear security approaching the office as I prepared to say two words to complete the cleesh (ed. - He meant cliche).

"...YOU'RE FIRED!" Damn bastard had to complete it for me.

So that was it. Fired after almost seven years in Supreme. Fired on the twelfth minute of the twelfth hour of the twelfth day of the twelfth month of the twelfth year of the 21st century. God, I hate the number twelve.

3rdStringPG · September 13, 2013

Thirdy's Introductory OOC:

[DISCLAIMER - Big Smack Scott, b. Scott Sinclair, is an angry, chauvinistic, sexist, loud-mouthed, roid-raging, beer-swilling individual whose thoughts and ideas are definitely not to be emulated or to be misconstrued as the thoughts of the writer. This diary may contain repeated usage of profanity, most of which from the Smacker's mouth, and occasional misspellings to highlight that El Smackeroo is not exactly Stephen Hawking. Please be guided accordingly.]

Well, as promised, this is my new attempt at a side project diary, and while doing CV97 and HGC from 1997 onwards turned out to be more daunting than I thought, this should be a diary I can work on at a leisurely pace - unless OLD gets a TV deal immediately, it's gonna be one show per month, unlike three per week in my SWF. The SWF diary will continue on, probably at its present pace, but here's hoping this side project keeps me entertained and motivated to write during those times I'm all out of ideas in the main diary.

OLD stands for Original Legends Deathmatches, and it is one of several new promotions added to Boltinho's C-Verse XL mod. As the acronym of the promotion suggests, the wrestlers here are mostly 40 and above, and none of them are very good - we're talking the likes of Al and Pete the Hillbilly, Randall Hopkirk, Man Mountain Cahill, Murderous Mikey and others. the promotion is owned by "Fabulous" Frank Roberts, and as you'll find out over time, his new booker for 2013 is none other than that notorious SWF backstage troublemaker, Big Smack Scott, who quit the SWF after being swerved by Richard Eisen - as it turned out, The Pain Alliance wasn't going to take the tag belts from The All-Americans after all.

Thanks in advance to everyone who may drop by to read and/or predict, thanks in advance to the artists should I use alternate renders (I probably will for many), and as far as influences go, thanks to J Silver (first USPW diary), Actarus (Jim Force's UFW) and crayon (John Awesome's BSC) for making me laugh my ass off and inspiring me to try something more light-hearted and less serious than the SWF diary. And thanks to Boltinho for C-Verse XL! To be honest, I only found out about it quite recently,though now that I come to think about it, Croquemitaine did give C-Verse XL a stab not too long ago...

That all being said, hope you enjoy this latest set of Big Smack Scott adventures and misadventures! <img alt="" data-src="//content.invisioncic.com/g322608/emoticons/biggrin.png.929299b4c121f473b0026f3d6e74d189.png" src="<___base_url___>/applications/core/interface/js/spacer.png" />

3rdStringPG · September 13, 2013

<div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/OLD_zpsc9aeb9da.jpg

OLD - ORIGINAL LEGENDS DEATHMATCHES

Owner - Fabulous Frank

Head Booker - Big Smack Scott

Headquarters - Orlando, FL</div>

<div style="text-align:center;">MAIN EVENTERS:</div>

<div style="text-align:center;">(RED is for heels and BLUE is for faces. From what I understand, faces get booed in this promotion. Excellent...)

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/ManMountainCahill_zpsa57a7a1b.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/Grunt_jhd3_zps82ff7539.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/Stink_jhd4_zps2ee1af5b.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/BigSmackScott_zps5979f172.jpg</div>

Man Mountain Metal (41) - Years ago I had a dream where this 360-pound guy played a guitar shaped like the SWF logo. His name was Darryl Max Metal or something. That's why Ronnie Cahill is now going by this name. Man Mountain Metal. Doesn't it have a nice ring to it?

Jeffrey Grussmont (38) - Formerly Grunt, the real-life Jeff Grussmont is now going by his real name...and probably working a metrosexual gimmick. Instant heat, man.

Terrence Stein (39) - Formerly Stink, and you better believe it, Terrence Stein is his real name. Hi, Terry! See Mr. Grussmont for more info on gimmick.

Big Smack Scott (37) - God's gift to wrestling and women alike.

<div style="text-align:center;">UPPER MIDCARDERS:</div>

<div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/TheDarknessWarrior_zps046e1ade.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/PeteTheHillbilly_zps59032629.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/RandallHopkirkalt_zpsf47117cb.jpg</div>

Raul Darkness (40) - Our resident Vengeance impersonator.

Pete the Hillbilly (45) - I hear this guy's pretty well-read in real life. Not someone I'd want to hang with after the show.

Randall Hopkirk (48) - Really, dude? Painful Procedure tattoo on your neck? Almost as bad as getting Starland Vocal Band tattooed on your arm with a heart that symbolizes the Afternoon Delight you and Bobbi Jo, Sally Jo or whatever had in the Summer of '76.

<div style="text-align:center;">MIDCARDERS:</div>

<div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/LazyJoe_zpsfd58efe9.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/CoyoteDynamite_zps65e625f9.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/DeadBolt_zps027c4b76.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/AlTheHillbilly_zps3fcaf0cc.jpg</div>

Lazy Joe(38) - Insomniac my ass! I have a good mind to rename him Joey Wadd Loeb and give him a John Holmes meets Joe Sexy gimmick. That's what his look tells me.

Coyote Dynamite (47) - I can't believe he's a good 12 (THAT NUMBER AGAIN) years older than...

Dead Bolt (35) - 35 years old? Seriously? Guy looks older than Grandpa Sinclair...and he's supposed to be the youngest guy in this bumf--- promotion?

Al the Hillbilly (43) - Loves opera and artsy-fartsy European hipster films. I shit you not.

<div style="text-align:center;">LOWER MIDCARDERS:</div>

<div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/MurderousMikey_alt1_zpsd5bda449.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/WhiskyJack_zps081680b1.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/HardcoreKillah_zps164fd76d.jpg</div>

Murderous Mikey (43) - I think this guy hates me, though...have no idea why, but I hear he was supposed to run this joint alongside El Fabuloso Francisco Roberto.

Whisky Jack (37) - Hard to believe this guy's actually my age.

Hardcore Killah (45) - Dude's got piggybanks in his forehead and despite bein' in the business since Lincoln's assassination, he still lives out of his car. You'd think a guy called Hardcore Killah would be richer than Bill Gates by now, but noooooo...

<div style="text-align:center;">OTHER PERSONNEL:</div>

Charles Hapstander (33) - Referee

Fabulous Frank (54) - Owner/Road Agent

Dean McWade (41) - Color Commentator

Big Roguey · September 13, 2013

This has the potential to be the best car crash I've ever been witness to. BSS running a company that revolves around old people and deathmatches?

This is going to be awesome!

3rdStringPG · September 13, 2013

OOC - Thank you, MichiganHero...and thank you, one-star bandit! <img alt="" data-src="//content.invisioncic.com/g322608/emoticons/tongue.png.ceb643b2956793497cef30b0e944be28.png" src="<___base_url___>/applications/core/interface/js/spacer.png" /> We're going to be heavy on the backstage segments for now, as Big Smack Scott finds out just what OLD is about, and goes about adding a few new wrestlers to the roster in preparation for the first show of 2013...

Smacker's Log, 12/24/12, 11:55 p.m.

The Sinclair Shack, the not-so-rich side of Cleveland, OH

"Merry Christmas!"

"Merry Christmas, George!"

"Merry Christmas, movie house! Merry Christmas, emporium! Merry Christmas, you wonderful old Building and Loan!"

Merry Christmas and f--- you very much, Richard Eisen. How the hell am I going to feed all those little Smackers I fathered out of wedlock? I ain't sayin' I'm the next Travis Henry, but last time I counted, it was eight kids, seven mothers. One more and I'm tyin' that old running back. So here I am, back in my old stompin' grounds, my bank account dryin' up and not a phone call from Cornell or Strong.

I sent 'em all my best stuff, even if those c---s can watch my videos on the SWF website and see what a great worker I am. No, I don't stretch my opponents in submissions like that Sam Keith guy, and I'm not the type of guy who can be called subtle in the ring. God, I'm sick of these guys like Idaho Punisher goin' "When Ernie Turner hit me with his finisher I didn't feel a thing. I thanked Ernie for a good match and when I got back to the locker room, yada yada yada, everyone was like, 'GO PUNISH IDAHO FOR US!'" When I was in that ring, I made sure my opponents felt the pain of the Ego Trip and the Big Smack Shuffle! To me, that's wrestling. That's what Cornell and Strong are missing.

And here I am, unemployed and bawlin' like a little baby while watchin' "It's a Wonderful Life." What the hell's so wonderful about not knowin' when you're gonna get your next paycheck and where.

Then suddenly, my cell phone started ringing. Now who the hell would want to call me and wish me a merry f---in' Christmas? Not even that piece of shit Kurt Laramee bothers to reply to my texts nowadays.

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"MERRY CHRISTMAS, SMACKER!!!!"

"Who...or what are you?"

"Fabulous Frank Roberts here. Man, I have waited for this moment for years!"

"I don't think you heard me the first time. Who are you?"

"Fabulous Frank! Formerly from Pittsburgh Steel Wrestling? Did a few jobs in the SWF back in the '80s?"

"Oh. One of the anonymous job guys f---in' Richard Eisen would feed to Sam Strong and Micky Starr."

"Yup, you got my number! I even jobbed ALONGSIDE Christian Faith back when he was a fresh-faced young kid from North Carolina who didn't know a wristlock from a wristwatch! August 31, 1987 SWF Uprising. Christian Charisma and Fabulous Frank versus The Blazing Flames."

"I didn't ask for your life story, bub. If you want to hire me for PSW, I ain't interested. I'm still holdin' out hope for a job in TCW or USPW."

"You weren't listening, Scott. I no longer work for PSW. Back in June 2010 I wanted to leave the wrestling business. I wanted to retire on the money I earned and look back on a colorful, exciting career. But then I realized...what the hell am I gonna do if I'm retired? Go to the same girly bar on nights when I'm not relaxin' at home with a cold beer, watchin' sports or sports entertainment and doin' f--- all aside from that? That's not fun! And since I had money to burn, I started up my own little big indie in Florida. Original Legends Deathmatches."

"Even I know that's terrible grammar, Fabulous Fred."

"Frank," said this complete stranger on the other end of the line. "Fabulous Frank. In the past two years and a half, I cobbled together all the talented, unemployed brawlers from the big promotions and created a product that is exciting, entertaining and dynamic! This is the stuff Eisen's too afraid to show on TV, the stuff Cornell calls rubbish because he's too damn jealous, the stuff Strong does NOT consider wholesome family entertainment! Original Legends Deathmatches is where you belong, Big Smack Scott Sinclair, and given your brilliant mind for the business, I'm thinking of hiring you and giving you a chance to be my head booker."

He sure cut to the chase with that one, but there were still some things I wanted to know. First, how'd he get my number? Second, just who were those talented, unemployed brawlers from the big promotions? He wouldn't say, but what he did say was that I was gonna be earning main event money. We'd stay in the best hotels in town and get catered meals and most, if not all the anemities of a big promotion. There'd be women in the audience, including a few classy "squared circle fan girls" who always go to the shows, and the stuff we'd do wouldn't be child-friendly crap like what the big names promoted. I could be all the Smacker I wanted to be without worryin' about having to get fined and shit. And on that Christmas Eve, I was sold.

"Count me in, Fabulous Frank," I said after he gave me the address to Original Legends Deathmatches headquarters. "So when can I expect my plane ticket in the mail?"

Guy hung up on me. Well, he did set a date and a time, he did give me the address, and if worse came to worst, I could probably fly out to Orlando on my own dime. Probably an oversight on Frank's part.

Occasional_Z · September 13, 2013

Good start...that roster though <img alt="

" data-src="//content.invisioncic.com/g322608/emoticons/redface.png.900245280682ef18c5d82399a93c5827.png" src="<___base_url___>/applications/core/interface/js/spacer.png" /> Scott might actually be the best wrestler in the company!

Boltinho · September 13, 2013

Great start 3spg. I'll be glued to this as the smacker tears Florida apart

20LEgend · September 14, 2013

Yeah, looking forward to this. Love a terrible roster Filth vs. Hillbillys = money.

3rdStringPG · September 14, 2013

OOC - The photo you see below is the best image I was able to find on Google Images for an abandoned warehouse. It's actually in Toronto, circa 2006, but that should give you an idea of how Fabulous Frank's office looks like.

And thanks for the comments, Occasional_Z, Boltinho and 20LEgend! <img alt="" data-src="//content.invisioncic.com/g322608/emoticons/biggrin.png.929299b4c121f473b0026f3d6e74d189.png" src="<___base_url___>/applications/core/interface/js/spacer.png" /> Yeah, Big Smack Scott actually looks like Sean McFly or Champagne Lover compared to some of the guys on the initial roster...

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Smacker's Log, 1/2/13, 2:30 p.m.

The offices of OLD Folks LLC, Orlando, FL

Orlando, Florida. Home to Disney World, but there's no time for me to scare the kids on the roller coasters and punch the lights outta Mickey and Donald while goosin' that Minnie Mouse chick. Home to the Orlando Magic, but who gives a f--- about a team who just traded away their biggest star to the Los Hollyweird Fakers? Fabulous Frank never sent me that plane ticket, so I decided to fly to Orlando myself and visit this company, Original Legends Deathmatches, at its corporate office.

I was dressed to the nines by Smacker standards - gray sport coat, gray Dockers, white shirt with a couple buttons open, Oakley shades, a good amount of bling including my personalized "Smacker" medallion. Naturally, I was expecting something at least comparable to Eisen's office at Supreme Towers. So I was a little bit worried when I found out that the Original Legends Deathmatches office was in the Winger, er...skid row part of town. Girly-man hair metal reference for you there, but anyway...

I was still hoping that the headquarters would be the rose among the thorns, the Smacker among the Death Rows, Dean Ansells and Elmer Kellys, when I realized I had to accept reality. Original Legends Deathmatches headquarters took up two floors in what looked like an abandoned warehouse with a sign "OLD Folks, LLC - Home of the Original Legends Deathmatches" in penmarkship worthy of a first-grader. And nobody seemed to be answering the door. What kinda shit operation is this anyway?

Finally, a man with long, silver hair and Steve Urkel-esque glasses stepped out, wearing nothing but a tight, off-white t-shirt with the Original Legends Deathmatches logo...and a pair of '80s-era basketball shorts. Washington Bullets, if I'm not mistaken. The guy was smoking a cigarette and was holding a shot glass that was likely filled with something below the exacting standards of Jack Daniel or Jim Beam or Captain Morgan...

<div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/FabulousFrank_zpsdf03e2ed.jpg</div>

"You'll have to pardon the clutter, sir, I...SCOTT SINCLAIR!!!"

Fabulous Frank reached out to give me a big hug as if he had seen his long-lost son or brother. Man, the guy smelled like he came straight out of Hate-Assbury. (ed. - that's how he actually spelled it!)

I was still reeling from the potent odor of The Ghost of Jerry Garcia mixed with his cigarettes-and-alcohol breath when he decided to brief me about his promotion. Yeah, I FINALLY got it. Original Legends Deathmatches = OLD. So who am I gonna be working with - Tony Moretti versus Aries Aggielayous in a wheelchair grudge match? 105-year-old hippie Mitch Haggans versus Robotic Mike Milligan? Lay it on, Frankie! Tell me just how FABULOUS this promotion is! Probably just as organized and sanitary as this office that probably doubles as a crackhouse or a bolderro (ed. he meant "bordello") when you're done for the work day!

"Don't let the look of the office deceive you," said Frank, offering me a glass of <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qyf8oRF6Trg" rel="external nofollow">Night Train</a>. Nice and cheap, I figured, probably like the owner. "OLD is a professionally-run operation that provides high-quality wrestling to people who understand what the sport should be about. Gore. Blood. Violence. Ever hear the chants of 'BO-RING!' when you watch, oh, I dunno, Sean McFly vs Johnny Bloodstone for the umpteen millionth time?"

"Actually, Frank, people love that shit."

"Because those people are CANADIAN!", laughed Frank. I might find myself liking this guy. He's irreverent and disrespectful of our neighbors up north, just as if he was a heel cutting a promo. "Anyway, we give American wrestling fans what they want to see! Over-the-top characters, blood, weapons and violence but without TV network censorship. Here, let me introduce you to some of our workers." With that, Frank booted up his state-of-the-art PC to show me some images and videos of OLD's talents from the big promotions...or so he claimed.

Smacker's Log, 1/2/13, 2:56 p.m.

Some 15 minutes later, he finally got the

<div class="ipsEmbeddedVideo"><div><iframe width="200" height="150" src="https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/gsNaR6FRuO0?feature=oembed" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen="" title="The Sound of dial-up Internet"></iframe></div></div> and showed me the OLD website on Angelfire. For a moment I thought it was gonna be a Geocities or Tripod site, but, heh, I was close.

<div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/ManMountainCahill_zpsa57a7a1b.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/RandallHopkirkalt_zpsf47117cb.jpg</div>

"Ronnie Cahill and Randall Hopkirk of Painful Procedure, the band, the stable,the tag team. Their musical and wrestling career went south when Jack Bruce split, and now they make most of their money recordin' shitty knockoff songs for the SWF in their house band. But when they feel the need to get in the ring, they bash their opponents' heads in with their guitars."

<div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/Grunt_jhd3_zps82ff7539.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/Stink_jhd4_zps2ee1af5b.jpg</div>

"Recognize those two?"

"Hell no."

"They used to go by Grunt and Stink as The Nation of Filth. Now they're Jeffrey and Terrence, The Fashion Police!"

"Do they enter to the tune of 'Supermodel' by RuPaul?"

"They don't, but NOW YOU'RE TALKIN', Scott! That's the kind of innovative thinking I want in my head booker!"

<div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/AlTheHillbilly_zps3fcaf0cc.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/PeteTheHillbilly_zps59032629.jpg</div>

"To the left you have Al, and to the right you have Pete. They're The Hillbillys."

"THEY SUCK!"

"Yes, but they were pretty over in USPW."

"Only when Strong would take his family-friendly caravan to the hick towns. THEY SUCK, FRANK!"

"Yes, Scott, they certainly do, and that's why our fanbase hates 'em. They're fun-lovin', square-dancin' babyfaces, and in this promotion, the heels get cheered and the faces get booed. Kinda bizarro, if you ask me, but I've always hoped for an anti-SWF, anti-TCW, anti-USPW kind of product."

"Yeah? Well, why is this damn lineup lookin' like the front row of a Paul Anka concert at Branson, Missourah?"

Frank didn't bother to answer my question and instead proceeded to introduce me to more old OLD wrestlers, including...

<div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/DeadBolt_zps027c4b76.jpg</div>

"Holy shit, Frank, that must be the oldest of the old wrestlers you've showed me today!!! How many grandkids does he have? Can he tell me how life was after the stock market crash of '39?"

"Nah, Dead Bolt is only 35. But that's what spendin' a good part of your life in juvenile facilities and piss-smellin', blood-stained jail cells will do to you. He musta been scarred by the name his parents gave to him."

"And what's that, pray tell?"

"Michael Bolton."

Immediately, images of a long, curly mullet and a singing voice that sounded like somebody having the worst stomachache of his life while getting castrated at the recording studio sprung to my mind. If I were his classmate, I'd pick on him too if I knew his real name was Michael Bolton.

Smacker's Log, 1/2/13, 4:10 p.m.

After giving me a quick tour of OLD that wasn't that quick at all on account of '90s-era PC and Internet technology, Frank would give me my goals as the promotion's new head booker.

"See, that's the thing about OLD. I'll be the first to admit to ya, we're old."

"You don't say, Frank."

"But brother, we're INTENSE! We're VIOLENT! We're the perfect backdrop for a night of drunken mayhem with the boys! And the squared circle fan girls. Still, our little age problem means a few of us may be hangin' up the boots in a year or two, maybe in a few months. Since you've been in Supreme since 2006, I suppose you have a lot of contacts in MAW, CZCW or wherever?" Frank said the names "MAW" and "CZCW" rather disgustfully. (ed. - I'm guessing Scott meant "disdainfully.")

"To be honest, Frank, I don't..."

"Honest Frank! I want you to get that guy on our roster IMMEDIATELY! I'll even step into the spotlight and manage him!"

"I don't even know who Honest Frank is."

"You mean you don't remember Frankie Future, the guy you were drinkin' with back when you were at XFW and Dream Girl got busted for cocaine? You better not tell me you don't remember Dream Girl. She was your co-star, for cryin' out loud. I LOVED Big Smacks and Big Racks!"

"I don't act anymore," I said rather kurtly (ed. - his spelling) as I tried to change the topic. "I remember Frankie Future, but we don't talk anymore. So what are my goals?"

"Frankie Future is just the guy you want to hire. He's in his early 40s, meaning old, but not THAT old. He's a big, burly brawler like Ronnie or Randall or Terrence or Jeffrey. He fits the product perfectly, and he could step in as a main eventer should someone retire. But aside from that, you've gotta make sure they know what they're doin' in the ring."

"And that would mean?"

"Check ProWrestlingHits.com on your flashy iPhone or iMac or MacBook or whatever because my work PC's way too slow to view it in proper. Sign up for a membership - it's only $49.95 a month so you can view their wrestler stats. Very cheap!"

"WHAT?!?!?" I nearly hit the roof when Frank told me to SIGN UP to a smark site, on my own dime, just to be sure I was hiring the right kind of worker!

"Aw, come on, Scotty, I'll be payin' you MORE than just that a month. You'll still be able to eat at flashy restaurants or probably buy yourself a new Camaro or the seventh-generation Corvette I keep hearin' about." For some reason, I decided not to call Frank out for referring to me as Scotty. I HATED that name.

Anyway, Frank continued on with his goals for me as head booker. "Your new hires' Basics and Psychology stats should be no lower than 35. Yeah, we're not lookin' for a Rich Money or a Sam Keith or a Tommy Cornell. Just somebody who knows their shit and won't get anyone killed. Hurt, yes. Killed, never."

Basics and Psychology no lower than 35? Wrestlers no younger than 35? Got it. Frank then got on to the part about money, but it wasn't my money - it was HIS money. Hell, he didn't even have a contract ready for me to sign yet! But apparently, I was hired, and I was listening to Frank talk about my objectives on the financial side of things.

"We currently have $250,000 in the OLD kitty. By December 2014, I want that balance to be tripled."

"To, like, six million dollars?" I told you I was bad in Math.

"No, silly, $750,000! And I also want you to make sure we aren't anything less than a small promotion by that time. You'll also want to check Pro Wrestling Hits, because they know all that shit about what company's small, regional, cult or whatnot. Being you're from the SWF, I don't see you'll have any problem with that. And one last thing."

"What's that, Frank?"

"One Michael Bolton is enough."

"You're tellin' me, Frank! Don't you know how much I hated his music back when he had the long, curly mullet?"

"I'm referring to Dead Bolt, Scotty! He's had some very well-documented problems with the law, so I don't want anyone else with a known arrest record signing with this promotion. So if you're thinkin' of hiring Carlos Gonzales, you know, the late Shawn's brother, fuhgeddaboutit. One, he's only 30. He's got so much more to learn. Two, he was in jail from the ages of 18 to 23."

I wasn't sure if I was liking these goals, but hey, when you've got a new boss, you gotta save the ragin' against the machine for later on. "Will do, Frank. So...where do I sleep for the meantime? Any recommendations on an apartment or a condo unit I could rent in this part of town...no, a better part of town?"

Frank handed me a couple cards and a piece of paper, which had the address where I assumed I'd be spending the night. "I got you reserved at this really swanky hotel for the rest of the week. Should give you enough time to look for an apartment, and with your SWF money and the stuff I'll be payin' you, I'm sure you'll find one to your liking. The cards I gave you...are my calling cards. If you need anything, just call or text. See you at the office tomorrow."

Okay, so I'm gonna be workin' in this dump when not in the ring, doing my own research as far as more permanent lodging was concerned, and I was going to be sleeping at...

...The Budget Inn and Suites. Hello, roaches and household pests, I'm Scott. Guess we'll be spending a lot of time together, no thanks to this miserly jabroni who thinks he can run his own promotion.

I think I'm gonna need me an assistant booker or somethin'.

Psycho Sam · September 14, 2013

*volunteers to be assistant booker*

Cool. I'm in. <img alt="" data-src="//content.invisioncic.com/g322608/emoticons/biggrin.png.929299b4c121f473b0026f3d6e74d189.png" src="<___base_url___>/applications/core/interface/js/spacer.png" />

You also made me remind me of this.

3rdStringPG · September 14, 2013

OOC - Unfortunately, Psycho Sam, the job of assistant booker has been taken by someone who used to date one of the SWF's hottest valets on another diary. <img alt=":p" data-src="//content.invisioncic.com/g322608/emoticons/tongue.png.ceb643b2956793497cef30b0e944be28.png" src="<___base_url___>/applications/core/interface/js/spacer.png" /> And here's Scott's account of how that guy got hired! Smacker's Log, 1/7/13, 4:00 p.m. The offices of OLD Folks LLC, Orlando, FL Fortunately, the roach motel where Frank booked me at had Wi-Fi - barely. I had my laptop with me, so I was able to post an ad on Craigslist for the assistant booker position. <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div>WANTED - Assistant Booker for Large Independent Wrestling Promotion Age 21-30 Preferrably FEMALE Knowledgable about wrestling storylines, the jergon of the sport and what's best for business Photogenic and telegenic Please send resumay and photos to Scott at BigSmackScottSWF@yahoo.com with the subject line I WANT TO BE A BOOKER FOR A LARGE INDEPENDENT WRESTLING PROMOTION! for more information. UNQUALIFIED APLICANTS NEED NOT APPLY :-) </div></blockquote> I probably should have created a dummy Yahoo account to correspond to my new place of employment because 90 percent of the email I got with the specified subject line turned out to be hate mail. Spam. Advertisements for wang enlargement products. Death threats. And 75 percent of those who sent me emails either a) didn't follow instructions, b) looked like Jabba the Hut or Gollum or Dead Bolt or Corinne White, or c) decided to troll me anyway. But miraculously, I was able to interview five lucky applicants today. Smacker's Flashback, 1/7/13, 10:30 a.m. <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/JulieForletta_zps73bb55d0.jpg</div> "So you're from Canada, eh?" "Oui, Monsieur Sinclair." This broad had a voice only two to three packs of cigarettes a day since the age 14 could produce. But somehow, I found it sexy. "Your resume says you're 35, but since you fit into the 'photogenic' and 'telegenic' categories and because the photos you sent me make me want to revisit my brief acting career, I'll give you a pass. What makes you qualified, in your opinion, to be Original Legends Deathmatches' assistant booker?" "Well, I've been a fan since I was a little girl, and seeing that your promotion is a total sausage party, I figured you'd probably need a lady valet if I ever don't get the assistant booker job." "You didn't really answer the question, but that's a good answer, Ms. Forletta," I said in between hacks and coughs. "Call me Julie," said the husky, raspy-voiced bombshell sitting in my ramsuckle office, which only lacked a body outline and a yellow tape reading "POLICE LINE - DO NOT CROSS." I liked her. I wasn't a hundred percent sold on her being my assistant booker since she might have graduated high school at 20 like I did, but so far, she was in the lead. Smacker's Flashback, 1/7/13, 3:30 p.m. <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/Buttercup_zpsb514b415.jpg</div> "Well, it says here on your resume that you're 34, but isn't age nothin' but a number? It looks like you manage a large telecommunications firm as well and you live just a couple of towns away." I probably should add that Fabulous Frank scanned the shortlist of applicants to interview beforehand, so this was the fourth out of five women over the age limit I indicated on the Craigslist ad. But I liked her. "Yes I do, Mr. Sinclair, but wrestling has run in my blood since I was little!" This woman, who spoke in a very excitable, girly voice, simply went by the name Buttercup and requested I refer to her as such, mainly because she wanted to separate her public life as a big-shot telecoms exec and her guilty pleasure as a road agent, manager and color commentator for Florida-based independent promotions. "What makes you feel qualified to help me in booking duties for Original Legends Deathmatches?" "Well, I've done a bit of road agent work for a Mr. Kevin P. Jefferson..." "Yes, says here on your resume but the name doesn't ring a bell." "That was back when he was trying to run his own promotion in Florida. He gave it up after a few months, though." "And can you describe your work experience with Mr. Jefferson, Buuuutttt-errrrr-cuppppp?", I asked, trying to stifle a sneeze as I said this applicant's ring name. "YAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" With that, Buttercup bolted from my office, never to be seen again...at least for today. Frank would tell me later that Kevin P. Jefferson is Jim Force's real name (I always thought it was James Forcecinski or something), and that I shouldn't have imitated how crazy old Force would say her name. Hey, how was I to know? And I already told you, I was trying not to sneeze while conducting that interview! Damn Julie Forletta and her chain-smoking. Still, she was in the lead, and she was still in the OLD office, crossing and uncrossing her legs and moving her sunglasses up and down. I was all ready to discuss things with Frank and have him type a contract on the old Olivetti in his office (he has a PC, but not a printer - damn cheapskate) when... Smacker's Log, 1/7/13, 5:05 p.m. <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/TEW%202013/KPAvatar.jpg</div> "Good afternoon, sir, I'm here for the assistant booker job." "Go away, kid, it's five past five and we're closing for the day. And I don't recall inviting you over." In walked this short, stocky guy, probably no older than his early 20s. And no, he was not part of the shortlist, mainly because he was a dude - I presented Frank twelve names (DAMN THAT NUMBER!!!), all women, and he trimmed that list down to five, Julie and Buttercup included. "Yes, sir, but I flew all the way from Detroit and literally just got off the plane so I can make this interview. I sent you my resume..." "Yeah? I deleted it. Who in the name of Bob Marley are you, anyway?" "Kirk Patrick Avatar, but all my friends call me KP." "Well, I call you unfit for this job. Look at that hair of yours! Hasn't anybody told you to get a haircut?!?!? And how YOUNG are you anyway...17? 18? The arconym of this promotion is OLD, and you, junior, are anything but that." "Aw, come on, Scott," said the Fabulous One. "You did say 21 to 30, and you said 'preferably female', but not 'must be female.' Give him a shot. You don't want OLD getting discrimination suits just because you don't want to interview this young male for the assistant booker spot!" And so I did - I interviewed the second coming of Emmanuel "Webster" Lewis and he talked me through the resume I had honestly deleted. Turns out he was a graduate of a highly educated university, Michigan State. GPA of 3.88. Took up Journalism, trained by his brother, one Charles Avatar, a once-promising jabroni who was recently injured and paralyzed by Nicky F---in' Champion. Fan of pro wrestling since childhood, wrote for the school paper in high school and college, published fiction writer for his high school's literary magazine. Straight poindexter, certainly not the kind of person we want in this promotion. And as Avatar 3D waited in the lobby, I was certain that he had wasted my time and Frank's. Smacker's Log, 1/7/13, 5:30 p.m. "Look, Frank, who's goin' to be booking this thing...you or me?" "You are, but I'm your boss. I say KP Avatar is a good, smart kid who knows his wrestling. We can use him as a wrestler and your assistant booker! What's Forletta gonna do for our promotion anyway...stand there and look pretty?" "We need broads, Frank. BROADS. And what I think you're tryin' to do is turn OLD into a sausage factory!" "This WAS a sausage factory before we moved in, Scott, and it is through my blood, sweat and tears that this company has become a force in independent wrestling, run by a savvy businessman and based on the values of quality wrestling!" Funny that Frank would say this, because his work attire for today was a wifebeater tank and corduroy jeans that must have been in Frank's wardrobe since the '70s. And he still smelled like a hippie commune. "What do you have against Julie Forletta?" "I don't have anything against her. And I didn't say that you can't hire women! Geez, Scott, what is it with your short attention span?!? You can hire Julie as a valet. She can be your valet if you see fit! But KP Avatar has the chops to be a successful booker in five, ten, twenty years, and havin' him work as your assistant would be a nice start. So if I were you, I'd give the kid the job and start hiring some wrestlers in time for our first event. Remember the guidelines, Scotty..." Frank was officially getting on my nerves. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss, I guess? I won't get fooled again.

TheEffect · September 15, 2013

Tis good diary yar?

3rdStringPG · September 15, 2013

OOC - If anyone remembers the old '80s cop comedy Sledge Hammer (showing my age there), that might be an inspiration for future interaction between Fabulous Frank and Big Smack Scott. Watched almost every episode on YouTube over the past week and Sledge Hammer kinda reminds me of the Smacker...uber-violent, a smart-ass (but not too smart), sexist, chauvinistic, narrow-minded and very, very incompetent. <img alt="" data-src="//content.invisioncic.com/g322608/emoticons/tongue.png.ceb643b2956793497cef30b0e944be28.png" src="<___base_url___>/applications/core/interface/js/spacer.png" />

Smacker's Log, 1/15/13, 10:00 a.m.

The offices of OLD Folks LLC, Orlando, FL

"SINCLAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIR!!!!!"

I was reading the February 2013 Playdude and looking for pin-ups of Dawn the Cheerleader or Emma Chase, my feet lazily resting on my desk, when Frank's Red Hot suddenly started screaming for me. He was all smiles and buddy-buddy towards me in my first week on the job, but lately, he'd been getting very, very hot under the collar...that is, if I saw him wear a shirt with a collar, which, as of now, was never.

"SINCLAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIR!!!!! IN MY OFFICE, RIGHT NOW!!!! CHOP-CHOP!!!"

<div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/FabulousFrank_zpsdf03e2ed.jpg</div>

"Scott Sinclair, I want you to tell me the meaning of this! Why are these boys' contracts signed and on my desk, and why are they all booked for our first event for the year?!?!?"

"You told me to sign new talent, and I typed out their contracts. Signed, sealed and delivered, Frank."

"Of course you typed those contracts out yourself! I mean, look at all those spelling errors! Remedial English, I presume?"

"Remedial everything except Phys Ed, Frank, but anyway...aren't you pleased? We've got a full compliment of workers now. These young men won't be retiring until the 2030s, so we've got enough to last us two decades!"

"Cameron Lawrence Vessey. Justin Casey Valentine. Gregory Samuel Gauge. Matthew Keith Gauge. Kevin Christopher Glenn. Those BOYS, Scott, they aren't wrestlers. They are PUSSIES, you hear me!!!! They are young, untrained wusses from cockamamie promotions who have no business stepping into the ring with our highly-trained collection of veteran WRESTLERS!"

"Maybe you mean brawlers, Frank. I'm a brawler, and I admit to being one. It's a type of wrestler."

"Spare me the semantics lesson, Scotty, and rip those contracts apart RIGHT NOW, this instant! It's already enough that your assistant booker is 22 and also going to wrestle." The veins in Frank's neck seemed damn close to popping. "How come I never heard of this?"

"The contract signing and interviews were held in my condo unit...I mean, the condo unit KP is letting me crash at because he's responsible like that..."

"So that's why you've been calling in sick for most of the week! But let those first few absences be on the house, Scott. Here in OLD, if you don't show up to work, you don't get paid. And I don't care if your pet dog died or if your pet dog ate your homework. Absences may be excused or unexcused, but in the future, all absences will be deducted from your pay. Do I make myself clear? I'm already paying you a generous amount of money..."

"To be honest, Frank, I..."

"AND WHERE THE HELL IS HONEST FRANK?!?!?? I told you to HIRE HONEST FRANK and what do you do? You turn around and hire these, these...greenhorns. These overly scientific and analytical BOYS who haven't proved shit and couldn't last one minute in the ring with a Murderous Mikey or a Man Mountain Cahill..."

"Man Mountain Metal. I'm changing his name a bit, Frank. Now as I was saying...I don't think I've signed my contract yet."

"You, Scott Sinclair, have a lot to learn about timing. Now get outta my office."

To be honest, Frank, I did that to piss you off. I know how much you don't want youngsters in your ring because, isn't the name of your promotion OLD, just like you are? But otherwise, I followed all your instructions. And I didn't even have to sign up for a premium account on PWH - KP already had one of his own. I still woulda preferred it if Julie Forletta or Buttercup was my assistant, but KP, I say he's alright.

COMING SOON:

Big Smack Scott hires his first announcer!

The Smacker's first pre-show pow-wow with the OLDsters!

The first OLD card for 2013 - predictions are very much welcome!

Boltinho · September 15, 2013

he's only 30. He's got so much more to learn

I LOLed

3rdStringPG · September 15, 2013

<blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-username="Boltinho" data-cite="Boltinho" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div>I LOLed</div></blockquote> Yup, Fabulous Frank loves his old wrestlers, but somehow made an exception with KP Avatar because he's a college graduate and knows his stuff as an assistant booker. And now that he's been working with BSS for about two weeks now, he's showing his true colors...a temperamental owner with high blood pressure and little tolerance for the Smacker's incompetence. Thanks as well to TheEffect for the kind words! Here's more Smacker as he checks out what's up in his former place of employment...and welcomes the new head announcer to the promotion. Smacker's Log, 1/18/13, 5:00 p.m. The offices of OLD Folks LLC, Orlando, FL Just as Ricardo said he would, he put the tag belts on The Platinum Blondes at When Hell Freezes Over, and he didn't even bother turning them face. Why not? Because his Babe Ruth of bad guys was now working in an office with no air conditioning, no nearby cafeteria (probably a good thing), and a boss who now screamed at him about everything and anything under the sun. Oh, and Fabulous Frank still reeked of body odor, alcohol and cigarettes, the latter two of which he would liberally partake of in the office. Very professional. But who am I to say? That would be like the kettle calling the pot black. It was now quittin' time. End of another work week and six days before the first show - Live and Let Die. Frank appeared to be in a better mood than usual today, and he had this rather beefy, bald-headed, tattooed guy in tow. <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/FabulousFrank_zpsdf03e2ed.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/JeromeTurner_zpsf7631000.jpg</div> "New wrestler?" "No, Scotty, this is our new head announcer, and I took the liberty of interviewing him myself." "So that's Jerome Turner!" "Yes indeed it is!", said Frank, introducing me to the guy whom I recommended because I personally liked his look and thought that a tattooed, bald-headed bad-ass like him would be great as our answer to Peter Michaels or Jason Azaria. Though I didn't understand why Frank decided to interview him. "Jerome Turner, this is Scott Sinclair, a.k.a. Big Smack Scott. Scott, meet Jerome Turner." "Nice to meet you," I said, barely noticing that this new announcer was winking his eyes a bit seducively. "From Canada like Julie Forletta, right?" "Yes indeed, Scott! I didn't know you hired Julie, by the way. She was my BFF back in this indie circuit we worked for." "One red-hot mama, isn't she? Kinda wish she'd quit smokin', but hey, I smoke sometimes while drinking, it's all cool with me." "Oh, yes indeed, she's a real good friend and I'm glad you hired her." "Man, what I'd do to bring her over to El Casa Avatar and..." I decided to stop there, realizin' Frank was still in my office, glaring at me and pullin' his OLD t-shirt down to hide his gut. That was the fourth time I'd seen Frank wear that dirty old shirt in the half-month I'd been workin' for him. "Now I guess I'll be seeing you on Thursday at Live and Let Die. I have some nightlife to check out here in Orlando,and..." "...you're comin' with me," I replied, flashing my rental car keys. Smacker's Log, 1/18/13, 9:30 p.m. Marty's - the girly bar I've been goin' to since movin' to Orlando "Scott, this really wasn't necessary," said Jerome, who had been uneasy in the three hours we'd spent at Marty's. It was the girly bar I'd patroned since I started work at OLD, and I'd taken KP here a few times, one time with the sheltered Gauge twins, Matt and Greg, who happened to be the sons of Sam Keith. KP recommended the Gauges - I just wanted to hire 'em just so I could piss off El Fabuloso Francisco. Too bad KP couldn't make it today - he was flyin' home to Detroit for the weekend to be with his family and meet with lawyers. The Avatar family was plannin' to sue the pants off Sam Strong and Nicky Champion for his brother Charlie's injury, and I wished him the best. God, how I hated Nicky f---in' Champion. Meanwhile, Jerome had been actin' really weird, and the last two times I had someone do a lap dance for him, he was like, okay...this doesn't really do much for me. His standards in women seemed much higher than his bald-headed tattooed biker look suggested. He was wastin' my money and for a moment, I was beginnin' to regret recommending him to be hired. Fortunately, I had a plan. "Cindy, I hope you don't mind because it's all on me," I told the dancer next to me, caressing her bare back and giving her a kiss on the lips. "My friend Jerome seems to have some really high standards in women. I was wonderin' if you could do to Jerome what you did to me last Friday at the VIP room?" "I'd be much obliged, Scotty," said my favorite dancer at this sleazy li'l gentleman's club owned by a dude named Marty whom I haven't even met yet. But who cares about that shit? This is where alpha males like myself and Jerome would ideally go to relax after a long day at work, and I was sure this was gonna make the veteran announcer from Canada break outta his shell. Smacker's Log, 1/18/13, 10:00 p.m. "Scotty, you are an idiot," said Cindy, exiting the VIP room in a huff. "Remind me never to hang with your friends again in a business sense! Especially THAT guy!" "What's the matter, sweetie? Jerome too aggressive for 'ya?", I replied, with a laugh. "Jerome is BAD FOR BUSINESS, Scotty, and I'm surprised you haven't noticed!" "What do you mean bad for business? I'm payin' for his one hour, ain't I?" "Read my lips, Scott. Jerome what's-his-name is a..." And Cindy told me just exactly what Jerome is - a real-life Frederique Antonio Garcia. Suddenly, I felt like the stupidest head booker in all of America, and I felt silly for blowin' most of the pitiance (ed. - that's "pittance") I received from Frank on the 15th. The guy had me fooled! He had the look of a total alpha male Scott Sinclair-type, but with less hair and a thicker beard! "I've been tellin' you since we got here...this wasn't necessary, Scott." NOW YOU TELL ME, JEROME TURNER!!!

BlueStar · September 15, 2013

So into this! Lol!

3rdStringPG · September 18, 2013

<blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-username="BlueStar" data-cite="BlueStar" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div>So into this! Lol!</div></blockquote> Thanks much! <img alt=":D" data-src="//content.invisioncic.com/g322608/emoticons/biggrin.png.929299b4c121f473b0026f3d6e74d189.png" src="<___base_url___>/applications/core/interface/js/spacer.png" /> And I guess predictions are up next, what with Break Like the Wind freshly posted on the SWF diary. The first OLD card can be found below, after this latest example of the Big Smack Brainiac and his genius plans for indie wrestling domination. No bonus question yet for the prediction game (we may have some bonus questions starting on the next event), and prizes for the first round of 2013 (January to June) will be announced soon. <img alt=":D" data-src="//content.invisioncic.com/g322608/emoticons/biggrin.png.929299b4c121f473b0026f3d6e74d189.png" src="<___base_url___>/applications/core/interface/js/spacer.png" /> Smacker's Log, 1/24/13, 5:00 p.m. Savannah Center Promenade, Savannah, GA Four hours and twenty-seven minutes later, we finally got to the Savannah Center Promenade, in a town that always reminded me of the late adult entertainer. I kept the boys entertained with Playdude back issues and beer, KP snapped at me numerous times as he went over the script I wrote with a red pen and a witherto unseen pair of eyeglasses, and neither Fabulous Frank nor the boys were aware of the work of genius I had written the night before at KP's condo. As the lineup filed out of the bus, the cigarette smokers among us (and there were many) started lighting up. This esteemed group included the likes of Painful Procedure, Murderous Mikey, Fabulous Frank, Chuck Hapstander, the guy who covered When A Man Loves A Woman, the lovely Julie Forletta and... ...KP Avatar? <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/TEW%202013/KPAvatar.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/BigSmackScott_zps5979f172.jpg</div> "You know what, Scott, I don't always smoke cigarettes. But when I do, it's because people like you make my head spin with your senseless storylines and especially your horrid spelling and grammar!" "You'll have to bear with Scott, KP," said Frank from behind us. "Scott Sinclair speaks 'Murican!" "DAMN RIGHT, FRANK!", I replied. "'Murican. And damn proud of it. Not that queen's English you see on TCW when Tommy Cornell cuts his promos." "Scott, are you sure this is a good idea?", asked KP. "I don't think the workers will appreciate you changing all the storylines to your liking and you shoehorning your way into the picture. Do we have a backup plan?" "What backup plan?" "You know, the storyline cheat sheets and the documents outlining the fourth quarter 2012 storylines on OLD?" "We're not gonna need that shit," I told KP, as a look of fear crossed his eyes. "Oh, holy mother of God, don't tell me.." "I burned 'em all," I whispered back. I coulda sworn, man, KP was this close to beatin' the shit outta me. But I knew he knew that I know what's the best thing to do - erase the memory of the old head booker and reinvent OLD to make it suit the Sinclair product. And I knew he knew that one does not simply mess with Scott Sinclair. Smacker's Log, 1/24/13, 5:20 p.m. <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/HardcoreKillah_zps164fd76d.jpg</div> "What gives, Scott, I thought you were gonna photocopy the old scripts?", complained Hardcore Jobbah, Aaron Mustafa. He looked like he could give me a hardcore killin', but knew better not to pull such a stunt. <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/PeteTheHillbilly_zps59032629.jpg</div> "Certainly, Scott, you do not expect Alan and myself to work off something new and unfamiliar?" <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/Grunt_jhd3_zps82ff7539.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/Stink_jhd4_zps2ee1af5b.jpg</div> "ARE YOU CRAZY, SCOTT?!?!? YOU JUST TURNED US TWO INTO A PAIR OF FLAMIN' FRUITS!!!" "AND IT'S NOT IRONIC ANYMORE!!!" <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/FabulousFrank_zpsdf03e2ed.jpg</div> "SINCLAIR, YOU DING-DONG!!!!" All these workers yellin' at the top of their voices complaining, even the new ones, who didn't seem to understand what they had to do and why they had to do it. Maybe Frank was right - young workers really are THAT stupid and naive. It was drivin' me crazy, which is why, at the top of my voice, I gave 'em my best Smacker-style sermon in preparation for the first show of the year. "WILL YOU KNUCKOWHEADS KNOCK DAT SHIT OFF RYE NOW!!!!! WEMME TEWWYA SUMPIN', ORIGINAL LEGENDZ DEATHMATCHAZ..." Oh, shit. Runnin' out of gas too early. Might be best to return to normal shouting. "Listen up, boys, I know you don't understand why we hafta change everythin' and start from square one. Frank, I know you're pissed off because I burned your original documents that contained the outline for future storylines." "YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I AM!", yelled Frank, still as irritable as ever, though for a change, he took a bath, combed his hair, and made sure to wear his only suit - an all-white affair that made him look like Morgan Freeman in Bruce Almighty...or LeBron James at the 2003 NBA Draft, all bee it whiter and angrier. <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/MurderousMikey_alt1_zpsd5bda449.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/TEW%202013/GregGauge_zpsa9400741.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/TEW%202013/MatthewKeith_zps614f7df2.jpghttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/TheDarknessWarrior_zps046e1ade.jpg</div> "So here's how it's gonna be. Mikey, you ain't murderous no more. Effective today, you're Fr. MEH - Father Michael Everloving Herlihy. Greg and Matt Gauge won't be the Gauges, the Keiths or the Proton Twins or whatever they wanna be called. They're gonna be the ALTAR BOYS OF LUUUUUUURVE." "The Altar Boys of Love?", asked Greg, rather mockingly. "Dad is so gonna laugh his ass off at this." "Bye-bye, C.O.T.T.!," Matt chimed in, exchanging a high-five with his twin. "Raul Darkness, Darkness Warrior or whatever," I continued. "You have seen the light, brother. From here on in, you shall be known as Raul Lightbringer." "Ptoooooo!", spat Raul. "So where's my white robe and Bible?" "You don't need to worry, Church of Everloving!", I replied, addressing Mikey, the Gauges and Raul by their stable name. "KP and myself have your new costumes. Except you, Raul. Looks like you're gonna have to wear the red robes tonight." Raul could only glare at me as Mikey and Painful Procedure tried to prevent him from attacking. "Hey, don't look at me like that, Raul! It's not like I saved up plenty from my years in the SWF, and it's not like Frank pays me like a REAL head booker!" "SINCLAIR!!!!" I ignored Frank's Red Hot and continued tryin' to afeaze (ed. - you mean "appease", don't you, Scott?) Raul Lightbringer, the Artist Formerly Known as Raul Darkness. "We'll get you a real costume next month, Raul. I'm on it!" <div style="text-align:center;">http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm87/endshiftresign/OLD/LazyJoe_zpsfd58efe9.jpg</div> "Why ain't I wrestlin' tonight?" "Simple, Lazy Joe. The Smacker doesn't like your gimmick and hasn't figured out a new one." Smacker's Log, 1/24/13, 5:35 p.m. "ANY OTHER QUESTIONS?!?!?" As at least ten hands shot up in the air and Fabulous Frank glared at me from the back of the pee-stinkin' locker room, I knew this was going to be a long, hard day. At least the evening promised squared circle fan girls after the show. <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="36709" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div><div style="text-align:center;">PREDICTION KEY:</div> (note - The Fashion Police are The Nation of Filth working a more metro gimmick, and Casey the Hillbilly is KC Glenn. King of the Deathmatch is OLD's main event singles title.) <div style="text-align:center;">OLD Live and Let Die Savannah Center Promenade (Georgia, Southeast) Thursday, January 24, 2013 KP Avatar vs Whisky Jack Painful Procedure vs The Altar Boys of Love Casey the Hillbilly vs Coyote Dynamite The Hillbillys vs ????? vs The Fashion Police - OLD Tag Team Title Match ????? vs Dead Bolt vs Raul Lightbringer - OLD King of the Deathmatch Title Match</div></div></blockquote>

flaviooooo · September 18, 2013

KP Avatar vs Whisky Jack

Painful Procedure vs The Altar Boys of Love

Casey the Hillbilly vs Coyote Dynamite

The Hillbillys vs ????? vs The Fashion Police - OLD Tag Team Title Match

????? vs Dead Bolt vs Raul Lightbringer - OLD King of the Deathmatch Title Match

Midnightnick · September 18, 2013

KP Avatar vs Whisky Jack

Painful Procedure vs The Altar Boys of Love

Casey the Hillbilly vs Coyote Dynamite

The Hillbillys vs ????? vs The Fashion Police - OLD Tag Team Title Match

????? vs Dead Bolt vs Raul Lightbringer - OLD King of the Deathmatch Title Match

ajcrible · September 18, 2013

KP Avatar vs Whisky Jack

I see KP becoming at least a jobber-to-the-stars in this one. Whisky Jack is just meh

Painful Procedure vs The Altar Boys of Love

Simply because of their tremendous name.

Casey the Hillbilly vs Coyote Dynamite

Casey is the better worker and, more importantly in the Smackverse, the better character

The Hillbillys vs ????? vs The Fashion Police - OLD Tag Team Title Match

I want to see the Demons of Rage or Lords of War reunite for an old-fashioned ass whipping here.

????? vs Dead Bolt vs Raul Lightbringer - OLD King of the Deathmatch Title Match

Never bet against five question marks when the opponents are Dead Bolt and Raul Lightbringer.

Psycho Sam · September 18, 2013

KP Avatar vs Whisky Jack

Painful Procedure vs The Altar Boys of Love

Casey the Hillbilly vs Coyote Dynamite

The Hillbillys vs ????? vs The Fashion Police - OLD Tag Team Title Match

????? vs Dead Bolt vs Raul Lightbringer - OLD King of the Deathmatch Title Match

3rdStringPG · September 22, 2013

OOC - As I mentioned in the main diary, weather sucks big-time in Manila. That means a high probability of staying home tonight, and likewise posting the first OLD show. As such, I'm making one last call for predictions, as we prepare for storylines too crazy or wacky for SWF...and wrestlers too old or incompetent for the major promotions. (Though as you can see from the signings, OLD has gotten substantially younger and more talented with C-V-2, KC Glenn, the Gauge twins and KP Avatar onboard! <img alt="

" data-src="//content.invisioncic.com/g322608/emoticons/biggrin.png.929299b4c121f473b0026f3d6e74d189.png" src="<___base_url___>/applications/core/interface/js/spacer.png" /> )

shawn_waters · September 22, 2013

KP Avatar vs Whisky Jack

Painful Procedure vs The Altar Boys of Love

Casey the Hillbilly vs Coyote Dynamite

The Hillbillys vs ????? vs The Fashion Police - OLD Tag Team Title Match

????? vs Dead Bolt vs Raul Lightbringer - OLD King of the Deathmatch Title Match (Feel like this'll be a SMACKdown)

Boltinho · September 23, 2013

KP Avatar vs Whisky Jack

Painful Procedure vs The Altar Boys of Love

Casey the Hillbilly vs Coyote Dynamite

The Hillbillys vs ????? vs The Fashion Police - OLD Tag Team Title Match

????? vs Dead Bolt vs Raul Lightbringer - OLD King of the Deathmatch Title Match

MrSelfDestruct · September 23, 2013

KP Avatar vs Whisky Jack

Painful Procedure vs The Altar Boys of Love

Casey the Hillbilly vs Coyote Dynamite

The Hillbillys vs ????? vs The Fashion Police - OLD Tag Team Title Match

????? vs Dead Bolt vs Raul Lightbringer - OLD King of the Deathmatch Title Match (Feel like this'll be a SMACKdown)

P.S. I gave Lazy Joe a "Psycho" gimmick and labeled him as "Crazy" Joe Dahmer and had him team, I found it easier to take him seriously. he is a good tag team worker.

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