EWA: Why People Almost Care About Wrestling In Europe, But Hate Themselves For It

Nedew · April 28, 2009

If the WWE did it we'd all piss and moan, but when it's on paper... that owl shtick all looks so beautiful. Loved it, great stuff!

Phantom Stranger · April 28, 2009

Hercules Johansson vs. Adam Matravers©: EWA European title

Haiti Voodude & Eddie Cornell vs. The Force©: EWA Tag Team titles

Spiros The Mighty vs. The Big Bad

Marat Khoklov vs. Louis Figo Manico

Hyde Hill · April 29, 2009

Hercules Johansson vs. Adam Matravers©: EWA European title

Haiti Voodude & Eddie Cornell vs. The Force©: EWA Tag Team titles

Spiros The Mighty vs. The Big Bad

Marat Khoklov vs. Louis Figo Manico

Briskout · April 29, 2009

If the WWE did it we'd all piss and moan, but when it's on paper... that owl shtick all looks so beautiful. Loved it, great stuff!

I wouldn't. It'd be the best stuff the E would put on my tv in decades.

But I'm a mark for talking robot owls from cheesy movies.

Hercules Johansson vs. Adam Matravers©: EWA European title - I smell shenanigans

Haiti Voodude & Eddie Cornell vs. The Force©: EWA Tag Team titles - Where's Hugh? Doesn't matter, Force wins with the Soviets coming in

Spiros The Mighty vs. The Big Bad - He's Spiros...The Mighty. He talks to an owl. The Big Bad is in a slump busy fighting nerds. And Spiros has a title shot.

Marat Khoklov vs. Louis Figo Manico - This one's tough. I mean on one hand you've got Marat who's just... evil and communistic but then you got Mr. Manico who dedicates himself to excellence for the fans. Tough decision but LFM's title shot and Marat's non-title shot says it all.

I must say good show. But I am horribly disappointed with no Bam Bam. I spent good time to watch that show only to see no Bam Bam. That's not Alpha. That show was just Delta man.

Comradebot · April 29, 2009

I must say good show. But I am horribly disappointed with no Bam Bam. I spent good time to watch that show only to see no Bam Bam. That's not Alpha. That show was just Delta man.

PPssshhhh, what are you talking about? He was on the dark show....

In truth, Europe is on financially hard times and I've only be profitable at Cult for about two months. So... EWA ALPHA! is usually only an hour long to prevent myself from having to book any more Main Eventers than I already do. And with only one hour, there's only so much I can fit in. About two and a half storylines or so worth of material per episode (which is why Matravers has such a simple one!)

I plan on experimenting with 1:30 shows soon, to see if I can comfortably fit more into ALPHA! and make enough cash to insure that if the economy continues to plummet I'll survive. That, and to see if I'm not too lazy to write another 30 minutes worth of segments per show...

1PWfan · April 29, 2009

Hercules Johansson vs. Adam Matravers©: EWA European title

Adam is small and talented- he is not fit to hold an EWA title!

Haiti Voodude & Eddie Cornell vs. The Force©: EWA Tag Team titles

Haiti and Eddie are both favourite wrestlers of mine, but how can you not like the Force?

Spiros The Mighty vs. The Big Bad

This is largely to balance out Marat's loss in the main event

Marat Khoklov vs. Louis Figo Manico

I make a point of never betting against the Fig in Europe

Comradebot · April 29, 2009

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EWA ALPHA!

November 2010 Week 3

From Bayern Stadion in front of 2000 fans and TAPED for Euro Cable Sports 4!

Dark Show:

Cyber-Beast vs. Devastation United

Devastation United defeated Cyber-Beast in 6:01 when Poppa Punisher defeated Beast Bantom by pinfall with a Punishing Bomb.

D

Double Dutch vs. Sergei Kalashnov & Byron

Sergei Kalashnov and Byron defeated Double Dutch in 6:11 when Sergei Kalashnov defeated Ruud Van Anger by pinfall with an Eastern Block.

C+

Main Show:

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http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/HerculesJohansson.jpgVShttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/AdamMatravers.jpg

Hercules Johansson vs. Adam Matravers©: EWA European title

The Alpha Norwegian in training shocked Matravers with his impressive level of speed, something few men his size possess. Combined with the infamous size of the Johansson men, Hercules found himself able to get close enough to Adam to repeatedly utilize his fast power to pitch the smaller Englishman around the ring with some old fashioned throws. His own offense proving ineffective (thanks to that other Johansson attribute, no-selling), Matravers devised a new plan. After being gutwrenched across the ring by Hercules, Matravers waited for him to charge forward… and athletically threw a kick up over his head and into Johansson’s groin, rolling him up into a pin as he slouched forward in agony to outright steal yet another win.

Adam Matravers defeated Hercules Johansson in 5:48 by pinfall by using underhanded tactics. Adam Matravers makes defence number 13 of his EWA European title.

C-

And now we go backstage, where Commissioner Young is busy talking on the phone to… someone? Maybe?

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Lawrence Young: You’ve reached Lawrence Young, but he isn’t in right now… no… *beep* If you’re trying to reach Lawrence Young, he is currently…. garbage… *beep* This is the Commish, leave a message… Well, that’s not ba-

With a thunderous crack, a door marked with “Commissioner Young” seemingly flings itself across the office as Lawrence Young throws himself in the back corner of the room, cowering as Bam Bam Johansson saunters in, his muscles trembling like an angry sea… or something.

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Lawrence Young: OH GOD! NOT THE FACE! NOT THE FACE!!!

Bam Bam Johansson: Dude, BRO!! I thought I made it clear last week that an Alpha male such as myself shouldn’t waste his time face a pair of Gammas or whatever. But now, bro, I hear that you’re planning to face TWO Gammas? That’s not Alpha, baby, YEAH!! Maybe you thought that two Gammas added together equal one Alpha, but that’s not how it works! It’s totally based on like… multiplication and integers, and they lack the genetics to have the integers, baby, YEAH!!!

Lawrence Young: So, wait… you’re not here to beat me up?

Bam Bam Johansson: DUDE, I TOTALLY wouldn’t hit you. I mean, c’mon, check out this biceps. *Bam Bam flexes!!!* Two percent body fat, baby, that’s right! I… am genetically DIFFERENT, and if I hit a… well, you know, a guy like you, it’d probably create some form of black hole or, like, space time anomaly baby, YEAH!!! It’d just be too hard of a collision for the fabric of the universe the handle!! I don’t want to bring about the apocalypse, I just want you to acknowledge that a genetically different specimen such as me shouldn’t waste his time brutalizing a pair of Gammas or Deltas or whatever they are!

Lawrence Young: Well… *Young finally pulls himself out of the corner*… If you’re so confident that they’re inferior to you, then why not just… prove it? The match at Collision Course stands as is. And please put my door back up on your wait out.

Bam Bam grabs the door as he turns to leave… but didn’t seem to hear that part about putting it back up.

B

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http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/HaitiVoodude.jpghttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/EddieCornell.jpgVShttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/TobyJuanKanobi.jpghttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/JedHigh.jpg

Haiti Voodude & Eddie Cornell vs. The Force©: EWA Tag Team titles

Still experimenting with other partners, Haiti Voodude teamed with Eddie Cornell (who also had nothing better to do) this time to take on the champs. Again, the team did solid… but were outclassed by the coordination and speed of The Force. Haiti Voodude was caught by the Sky High, while a timely drop toe hold from Toby Juan Kanobi prevented Eddie Cornell from having a shot at breaking up the pin.

The Force defeated Haiti Voodude and Eddie Cornell in 5:50 when Jed High defeated Haiti Voodude by pinfall with a Sky High. The Force make defence number 2 of their EWA Tag Team titles.

D

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The Force leap to the turnbuckles to celebrate yet another successful title defense, but soon the entire arena begins to shake, sending both High and Kanobi scrambling for better balance in the ring itself! A crimson shadow falls upon the inside of Bayern Stadion, soon blocking out the very sun itself (well, if you could see the sun through the roof… which you can’t). A conglomerate of muscles, ranging in size from that of a Volkswagen Bug to a M1 Abrams tank, emerge one by one through the entry way. Before long, Marat Khoklov stands under the Euro-Tron.

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Marat Khoklov: Ahhhh, little capitalist… Khoklov hear you recently have trouble with his comrades, yes?

Toby Juan Kanobi: DARTH KHOKLOV!!! I should’ve known you were the one behind the disturbance!!!

Marat Khoklov: Darth? Khoklov’s first name Marat, and Khoklov not behind any so called “disturbance”, which is likely beginning of Western propaganda against Motherland. No, Khoklov come to work out agreement with capitalist, perhaps work to bridge gap with Mother Russia and West, yes?

Jed High: Careful, master… I sense the Dark Side in him…

Toby Juan Kanobi: As do I, apprentice. But perhaps it would be wise to hear out his words, if for nothing else than to see if he attempts treachery.

Marat Khoklov: Treachery? HAH! Khoklov come to offer fair and equal agreement, in the manner of which Marx dreamed! Here is deal: Little capitalist men with laser swords already defeat Khoklov’s comrades once for belts, and afterwards much unpleasantness perpetrated by both sides, yes? Well… Khoklov think that perhaps Khoklov could make up for Soviet Union’s responsibility and earn then rematch, yes?

Jed High: Master, we cannot agree to whatever he has in mind…

Toby Juan Kanobi: To deny his allies a rematch would make us no better than him, Jed, and his path is not one of the Light. What are you proposing, Khoklov?

Marat Khoklov: Simple. The Force face Khoklov in handicap match at Collision Course. If Khoklov pin any member of Force in match, Soviet Union get tag title rematch. If Force pin Khoklov then Soviet Union shall, how you say… focus on spreading influence to other theaters, yes?

Toby Juan Kanobi: If this is what you wish for, Darth Khoklov, then we shall abide. I just hope you understand that the dark path on which you tread can only lead to your own destruction in this fight!

C

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/SpirostheMighty.jpgVShttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/TheBigBad.jpg

Spiros The Mighty vs. The Big Bad

Both men delighted the EWA crowd by powering each other around and launching slow, powerful strikes on another. Not a lot of technical precision or flashiness, and that is exactly what these people paid to see! The Big Bad had the size and strength advantage, but Spiros did a decent job avoiding most of The Big Bad’s knock out shots and kicking out of the few power moves The Big Bad managed to utilize. However, The Big Bad found himself shocked when Spiros showed he was strong enough to lift the giant Russian up on his shoulders for a devastating Samoan Drop! Naturally, The Big Bad no sold the maneuver, but was still in a bit of a state of shock. Spiros recognized the opportunity and planted a boot into his gut to set up and hit the Wrath of the Gods for the victory.

Spiros the Mighty defeated The Big Bad in 6:14 by pinfall with a Wrath of the Gods.

C+

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Spiros seems confused when Patrick Garrett leaps away from him rather than lifting his hand in victory. At first he thought it was because Garrett was simply in awe of his Greek God body… then he realized it was because a door marked “Commissioner Young” was twirling spectacularly through the air and ultimately sending him to the mat after striking him in the face.

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Immediately, Bam Bam Johansson grabbed the door again and drove it into the ribs of Spiros The Mighty repeatedly. Not quite satisfied, Bam Bam Johansson pitched the door aside and lifted up Spiros to apply the Backbreaker Hold! The satisfaction came when a swarm of roadies hit the ring and tried to pull Bam Bam off of Spiros. They didn’t actually succeed, as a dozen roadies are not nearly enough to overpower Bam Bam Johansson. Rather, Bam Bam simply got bored. Retrieving the door formerly attached to the Commissioner’s office, Johansson slid out of the ring and headed backstage.

B+

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/MaratKhoklov.jpgVShttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/LouisFigoManico.jpg

Marat Khoklov vs. Louis Figo Manico

Looking to get some momentum back on the side of the Soviet Union going into Collision Course, Khoklov surprised Manico by blasting him with the Moscow Lariat to start the match! Not only did LFM manage to keep his head attached, but to the shock of Marat Khoklov he kicked out! Khoklov decided to attempt a Russian Legend Powerbomb, but Manico slipped out and countered it with a knee to the face, starting a long series of Manico countering most of the big moves attempted by Khoklov. Slowly, Manico worked Khoklov’s knees with kicks, chop blocks, and even a European uppercut to the back of one! The giant soon buckled and fell over, allowing Manico to work on him with some more technical precision. With Khoklov completely worn out from Manico’s scientific assault, Louis managed to heave Khoklov up and back down with a likely hernia inducing Madrid Maul, causing the run of bad luck for the Soviet Union to continue.

Louis Figo Manico defeated Marat Khoklov in 10:01 by pinfall with a Madrid Maul.

C+

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Having watched the previous match backstage, Manico instinctively knows to duck when he sees Patrick Garret once again diving in the opposite direction.

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The door marked “Commissioner Young” soars harmlessly overhead, but by the time Manico can stand back up and turn around he’s blasted with a vicious shoulder block from Bam Bam Johansson, sending him careening to the mat! Manico springs back to his feet and starts exchanging rights with Johansson, but the match with Khoklov has taken its toll and soon “The Alpha Norwegian” gains the upper hand, beating Manico senseless with a series of stiff right hands! Johansson whips Manico into the ropes and catches him on the rebound to hit a BODY SLAM, which Manico oversells to an amazing level. With “The Pain From Spain” stunned, Johansson grabs the door and props it up in one of the corner turnbuckles. Grabbing Manico by the back of his neck, Johansson torpedoes him head first into the door, snapping it in half! Bam Bam flexes with the crowd, who are now torn by the sight of their hero, Louis Figo Manico, laying broken in the shattered remains of the door and the awesome flexing of “The Alpha Norwegian” Bam Bam Johansson! It is truly the most memorable sight in EWA history.

A*

Overall Rating: B-

OOC: That last little segment? First A* in EWA history it is.

Comradebot · April 30, 2009

EWA ALPHA! News

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EWA ALPHA! is only two weeks away now from its one year anniversary since debuting on Euro Cable Sports 4. Since then, EWA ALPHA! has become the most watched Professional Wrestling Television Show since the now defunct UCR's in 2007. With this major milestone approaching, EWA ALPHA! is apparently recieving quite the birthday gift. Pleased with its performance during the Graveyard hours on Saturdays, Euro Cable Sports is proud to announce that EWA ALPHA! will be making the transition from Euro Cable Sports 4 to Euro Cable Sports 1, the premier cable network for European sports! Initial reports indicate that other than the channel number, little else will change for EWA ALPHA!, and that the show will continue to be shown at the ass end of Saturday nights, though rumours persist that with the move that EWA ALPHA! may expand from one hour to one and a half.

Due to this change for Euro Cable Sports 4 to Euro Cable Sports 1, there will not be an episode of EWA ALPHA! in the final week of November. Instead, the European Wrestling All-Stars will be holding a non-televised event in Oslo, Norway title simply "One Night In Norway" as a means to keep the superstars of EWA warmed up for Collision Course, and to give their loyal fans in Scandinavia the opportunity to see the superstars of EWA live! Tickets go on sale.... right about.... NOW!"

Note: I'd like to thank Kamchatka for the EWA ALPHA! logo. Tis simple, but also much, much better than anything I could've done.

Comradebot · April 30, 2009

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/EWA3.png

Quick Picks:
Miss Information vs. Geena The Warrior Princess©: EWA Female title
Bam Bam Johansson vs. Poppa Punisher
Boris Kiriyakin vs. Joss Thompson
Spiros The Mighty vs. El Brisa
The Big Bad vs. Louis Figo Manico

1PWfan · April 30, 2009

Miss Information vs. Geena The Warrior Princess©: EWA Female title

I like her more.

Bam Bam Johansson vs. Poppa Punisher

Alpha baby, YEAH!

Boris Kiriyakin vs. Joss Thompson

What use is talent when faced with size and a glorious hat?

Spiros The Mighty vs. El Brisa

Now, if it was Joey Breeze in this match I might change my view (), but Spiros needs a boost going into Collision Course

The Big Bad vs. Louis Figo Manico

See above

Comradebot · April 30, 2009

On a side note, I have to throw together a report on Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky (who was randomly assigned to me, I swear.) today, and finish before 6:30. So while I'd very much like to keep cranking this things out at the pace I've been at, I think I'll focus on not failing my class and putting my crappy powerpoint together.

Have no fear, for tomorrow my mom requires a minor operation and requires me to drive her to the hospital and home again... meaning I'll have plenty of time to do god knows what to stave off the boredom.

Also might do a couple "EWA Flashbacks" soon, as there's some stuff in the unwritten past that is somewhat relevant to the current happenings in EWA. After all, Manico lost the Universal title and Bam Bam Johansson won it somehow.

Phantom Stranger · April 30, 2009

Miss Information vs. Geena The Warrior Princess©: EWA Female title

Bam Bam Johansson vs. Poppa Punisher

Boris Kiriyakin vs. Joss Thompson

Spiros The Mighty vs. El Brisa

The Big Bad vs. Louis Figo Manico

foolinc · April 30, 2009

Miss Information vs. Geena The Warrior Princess©: EWA Female title

Bam Bam Johansson vs. Poppa Punisher

Boris Kiriyakin vs. Joss Thompson

Spiros The Mighty vs. El Brisa

The Big Bad vs. Louis Figo Manico

Briskout · April 30, 2009

Also might do a couple "EWA Flashbacks" soon, as there's some stuff in the unwritten past that is somewhat relevant to the current happenings in EWA. After all, Manico lost the Universal title and Bam Bam Johansson won it somehow.

I sorta assumed Manico gave it to Bam Bam <_<. Oh and that would be pretty awesome. I like the website btw, for the small bios in the corner. Adds alot to the diary to characters. I can't wait to see more obscure bios coming up about guys we know nothing about.

Miss Information vs. Geena The Warrior Princess©: EWA Female title

Mathematics > Ugly Chick.

Bam Bam Johansson vs. Poppa Punisher

Poppa Punisher is an Omega.

Boris Kiriyakin vs. Joss Thompson

Hat.

Spiros The Mighty vs. El Brisa

El Brisa is just some jobber with a mask.

The Big Bad vs. Louis Figo Manico

Hmm.. If you rearrange LFM it's FML which I just found out what it meant. *shrug*

Regis · May 1, 2009

Quick Picks:

Miss Information vs. Geena The Warrior Princess©: EWA Female title

Because she won the title, and someone will need a push and a bit of a storyline before it's worth switching over.

Bam Bam Johansson vs. Poppa Punisher

Poppa Punisher is nowhere near Alpha enough.

Boris Kiriyakin vs. Joss Thompson

Dude, sweet hat.

Spiros The Mighty vs. El Brisa

Momentum is a simple business. Spiros pulls on his best arse-kicking boots.

The Big Bad vs. Louis Figo Manico

Louis wins, because he is awesome.

Hyde Hill · May 1, 2009

Miss Information vs. Geena The Warrior Princess©: EWA Female title

Bam Bam Johansson vs. Poppa Punisher

Boris Kiriyakin vs. Joss Thompson

Spiros The Mighty vs. El Brisa

The Big Bad vs. Louis Figo Manico

well hire scott van den berg then hehe more dutch people = better ratings lol.

Mattlore Devious · May 1, 2009

Miss Information vs. Geena The Warrior Princess©: EWA Female title

Bam Bam Johansson vs. Poppa Punisher

Boris Kiriyakin vs. Joss Thompson

Spiros The Mighty vs. El Brisa

The Big Bad vs. Louis Figo Manico

Comradebot · May 1, 2009

well hire scott van den berg then hehe more dutch people = better ratings lol.

Except the math that YOU did, YOUR grand accomplishment...

Showed that EWA and spot monkeys don't mix. Both members of Double Dutch? Spot Monkeys. So it turns out... less Dutch would possibly = better ratings. That's right Hyde... you sold out your own people. For shame.

Though in reality, Double Dutch is far too experienced, talented, and I mark too heavily for Ruud Van Anger for them to be going anywhere anytime soon. I think there's a good chance either of them might change to Cruiserweight eventually, though both are now pushing towards 30 and will become at risk for getting old.

And Scott Van Den Berg... he's always been that guy that I thought "maybe next I sign people, he'll come in." Sadly, SVDB just keeps getting edged out. I like him, and I'll be taking a look over my roster when I experiment with the hour and half long shows. If I've got room to expand, he'd literally be the second guy on my "Hidden Gems" list that I'd bring in. The first being a random guy, who, well... admittingly is awesome and fits in well with someone else . The other three all happen to be:

1. Random Greek guy who Byron doesn't want me to sign due to lack of charisma

2. Inky The Squid Boy, who already failed me once

3. Pit Bull Brown... who just bores me.

Hyde Hill · May 2, 2009

hehe lol yeah spot monkeys suck but being dutch makes up for that more then enough lol. Speaking of my expeeriment anyone feel like bumping it to prefent future questions of what type fits which promotion which always pop up. lolz. Enjoying it emensly man kutgw.

Comradebot · May 4, 2009

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<div style="text-align:center;">EWA One Night In Norway</div><div style="text-align:center;">November 2010 Week 4

From Oslo, Norway in front of 1000 fans!</div>

Dark Show:

Hercules Johansson vs. Beast Bantom

Hercules Johansson defeated Beast Bantom in 6:28 by submission with a Hercules Lift.

D-

The Force vs. Haiti Voodude & Hugh de Aske

The Force defeated Haiti Voodude and Hugh de Aske in 6:19 when Jed High defeated Hugh de Aske by pinfall with a Sky High.

D

Main Show:

<div style="text-align:center;">http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/EWA_Female.jpg

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/MissInformation.jpgVShttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/Geena.jpg

Miss Information vs. Geena The Warrior Princess©: EWA Female title</div>

Despite both of these ladies are fine workers in their own right, it was the kind of “fine” they made sure the Norwegian crowd was interested in. Indeed, the match made sure to exploit their other… assets. Like in the middle of the match when Miss Information locked Geena in a modified full nelson that, well… pushed things to almost the breaking point, so to speak. And the crowd also seemed to enjoy that bear hug Geena applied to Miss Information… strange. Anywho, the crowd seemed sad to see Geena come off the top rope and connect with the Amazon Plunge, ending the match.

Geena The Warrior Princess defeated Miss Information in 5:50 by pinfall with an Amazon Plunge. Geena The Warrior Princess makes defence number 10 of her EWA Female title.

C-

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The disappointment soon passed, however, as Geena started signaling out to the crowd for lord knows what. Well, Satan might… Back in the ring, Patrick Garrett is trying to help Miss Information back to her feet (because EWA was too cheap to pay Eva Berlin for tonight). His effort at kindness was rewarded with the upmost gratitude.

Miss Information: Get your grimy hands off me, you grotty little wanker!

Patrick Garrett complied, but only because he’s become a master at getting the hell out of the way of impending danger. With a snobbish look, Miss Information looked quite pleased to have made the “lowly” referee back away from her.

Geena: Miss Information…

Miss Information: Now what the devil do you wa-

Just as Miss Information turned around…

Geena: Cool off.

She was splashed by a bucket of the frigid waters of Norway, soaking her completely!!! Instantly, half the crowd mysteriously found themselves scrambling for the bathroom. Must’ve been something wrong with the bratwurst dogs… or whatever the devil EWA sells as food in Norway. Oh EWA… what won’t they do for a few cheap pops? In too much of a state of shock to attempt some form of revenge, Miss Information beat a hasty retreat as Geena The Warrior Princess played to the crowd for a bit.

C

<div style="text-align:center;">http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/PoppaPunisher.jpgVShttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/BamBamJohansson.jpg

Poppa Punisher vs. Bam Bam Johansson</div>

The EWA audience managed to return to their seats just in time to see an even more beautiful sight: Poppa Punisher slugging it out with Bam Bam Johansson! Unfortunately, it seemed Punisher and Johansson had a hard time remembering who was supposed to be punching who from time to time, causing more than a few awkward moments in the match. About three quarters through the match they simply grappled with each other, sorta shoving each other around the ring. Not spectacular, but the battle of brute strength was enough to draw some attention. Awkwardly, Poppa Punisher finally tried to gorilla press Johansson, but Bam Bam was simply too Alpha, shoving him backwards to connect with the shoulderblock! And another shoulderblock! And a third! After a great deal of bouncing around the ring flexing for his fellow Norwegians, Bam Bam Johansson hit the Spinebuster for the win.

Bam Bam Johansson defeated Poppa Punisher in 5:51 by pinfall with a Spinebuster.

D+ (ugh… bad chemistry is the suck)

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Obviously the Norwegian crowd doesn’t care too much about their hero causing the rest of Europe grief with his actions against Louis Figo Manico and Spiros The Mighty. Indeed, Bam Bam is up on the turnbuckles flexin’ the GUNS baby, YEAH, while the crowd tosses Bam Bam cans of his own Johansson’s Brand Bull Shark Mojo (Ride The Shark’s Horns!), the biggest new energy drink on the market… in Norway. Chugging three at a time before using his back muscles to crush the cans, Bam Bam is having quite the feast of Bull Shark Mojo. So it comes as no surprise the crowd erupts into boos the Commissioner of EWA, Lawrence Young, arrives to spoil the celebration.

<div style="text-align:center;">http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/LawrenceYoung.jpg</div>

Lawrence Young: Now see here, Johansson! I know what you’ve been up to, and I’m here to inform you that I’m putting an end to it right now, see?

Bam Bam Johansson: Bro, what are you talking about? I’m just living my live to the player style MAX as always baby, YEAH!!! The guys and gals in the audience came to see the gun show, and I’m here to unload with my Desert Eagles baby, BOOM!! BOOM!! *cue flexing of both arms*!! Don’t be hate the player bro, don’t HATE… THE PLAYER!!!

Lawrence Young: Don’t play coy with me, Johansson! You know very well I mean your ruthless assaults last week on Spiros and Louis Figo Manico! They were uncalled for, and the EWA Commissioner’s office won’t stand by and let you get away with it, see?

Bam Bam Johansson: Wait, you’re upset about “The Alpha Norwegian” beating down a pair of inferior male specimens?!! Darwin, bro, DARWIN!!! I… am GENETICALLY DIFFERENT, SUPERIO BABY, YEAH!!! I was just asserting my dominance as the lead dog of the back pro. You don’t leash the lead dog, YOU DON’T! The lead dog is the strongest, the best looking, and the one who gets ALLLLL the bitches (what? It’s the word for female dogs), baby, YEAH!! And that’s all I’m doin’ bro, is letting everyone know that the ALPHA is the top dog, and he doesn’t roll on his back and get his butt sniffed by the Thetas, bro, the THETAS!!!

Lawrence Young: So, Bam Bam… if you’re so “superior” to the competition, perhaps you could win with a small handicap against you.

Bam Bam Johansson: BRO! They could have, like, a FREAKIN’ TANK and I’d STILL send them to the hospital, baby, YEAH!

Lawrence Young: Well, if you’re so confident… then I guess you won’t mind me declaring that, should you be disqualified or counted out in your title defense, that you’ll also lose the title.

Bam Bam Johansson: Feel free to say whatever you want, bro! Words can’t change the truth that I’m TOTALLY JACKED, BABY, YEAH!!!

Lawrence Young: Except I’m not just saying this things, Johansson. No, no, no… at Collision Course, those stipulations will be in effect! You hear me Johansson, if you get yourself DQed or even counted out, you will be instantly stripped of the EWA Universal title, effective immediately… after the match… should those happen!

With a chorus of boos, the Norwegian fans show their displeasure at Lawrence Young’s stipulations. Bam Bam himself looks slightly dumbfounded at first, and then his freakishly massive muscles tighten with anger.

Bam Bam Johansson: Bro… you better hope the fabric of space and time can handle this level of force, YEAH!!!

Lawrence Young himself gives a confused look to Johansson… which is soon erased as an arm as thick as a blue whale comes crashing down across the side of his head!!! Indeed, the air and light immediately around the impact zone seems to twist and distort, sending massive gust of wind across all of Norway as a black hole threatens to rip open! Thankfully, it wasn’t QUITE hard enough of a shot. Somewhat satisfied, Johansson flexes over the crumpled body of Lawrence Young, the fans here eating up every moment of it!

B

<div style="text-align:center;">http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/JossThompson.jpgVShttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/BorisKiriyakin.jpg

Joss Thompson vs. Boris Kiriyakin</div>

Lawrence Young was finally carted out of the arena (though little could be done for the massive blood/urine stains), and both men seemed a little disturbed to be wrestling so close to mentioned stains, and the match soon fell apart as they went out of their to avoid the middle of the ring. Spots were blown, sometimes on purpose, as neither wanted to see if the stains had dried yet or not. Even Boris Kiriyakin’s impressive size and strength couldn’t save the match from collapsing into a confused, messy brawl, though thankfully he managed to remember to end the damn thing with a Soviet Slam.

Boris Kiriyakin defeated Joss Thompson in 7:36 by pinfall with a Soviet Slam.

D-

<div style="text-align:center;">http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/ElBrisa.jpg</div>

Descending from the air like a sea gull from Hell… it’s a bird, it’s a plane… it’s… it’s… EL BRISA!!!! EL Brisa carefully makes his landing, and does his best to pretend he isn’t struggling to unhook the cable used to lower him down to the ring. Any second now… whoops, it jerked him back a little… almost… almost… there!! The masked Luchadore then summons a microphone from the very sky in which he lives. With a terrible attempt at a Latin accent, he speaks.

El Brisa: Greetingssss people of Norway! El Brisssa comesss to you from great hallsss of Montezuma, with important mayssssage! The maysssage is sssimple: Greek Godsss are a lie, and only the weenged ssserpet god Quetzalcoatl choossse champeeon of EWA! And El Brisssa is La Campeon De La QUETZALCOATL Y LUCHAAAA LIBREEEEE!!!! The winged sssserpent god ssssay the coyote callssss with joy at the sssound of the half cccircle moon. With Quetzalcoatl’sss blesssssing, El Brisa of the dessssert ssshall flow acrossss all of the landsss from Mexico to Feeeenland, and falsssee champion of Greeccce sssshall be sacrifice to flying ssserpet God of fire and freeeeedom!

El Brisa allows the microphone to fly back into the heavens, as he prepares for combat!

B-

<div style="text-align:center;">http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/SpirostheMighty.jpgVShttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/ElBrisa.jpg

Spiros The Mighty vs. El Brisa</div>

Using the flight power of the winged serpent god, Quetzalcoatl, El Brisa shocked Spiros as he entered the ring by flying off the turnbuckle with a cross body! Sadly, the might of Zeus was then used by Spiros to toss El Brisa off of him after the one count with authority. Spiros managed to use his strength to toss around the Luchador with ease, though El Brisa stayed nimble and not only stayed off out range, but spring-boarded repeatedly off the ropes in order to hit some fancy flying maneuvers on Spiros, keeping the battle even.

<div style="text-align:center;">http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/BamBamJohansson.jpg</div>

The match stayed even, though the crowd soon became a factor as Bam Bam Johansson strolled down to the ring, apparently to watch the match. As El Brisa came off the top rope, Spiros grabbed him out of the air and… locked in his father’s finishing move, the Spiros Bear Hug! But Spiros caught sight of Bam Bam close to the ring, and dropped El Brisa to go yell something about “HARKING and giving heed” at Johansson! After an exchange of words, Spiros turned around… and bawh gawd, he walked right into Montezuma’s Revenge (a superkick) from El Brisa! El Brisa gladly pins Spiros, upsetting the big powerhouse.

El Brisa defeated Spiros the Mighty in 13:36 by pinfall with a Montezuma’s Revenge after a distraction from Bam Bam Johansson.

B-

<div style="text-align:center;">http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/TheBigBad.jpgVShttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/LouisFigoManico.jpg

The Big Bad vs. Louis Figo Manico</div>

The biggest star in European history in the figurative sense against one of the biggest stars in the physical sense? Yep, you better believe these guys should the world (well, Norway) what EWA is all about! The Big Bad used his impressive power to simply overwhelm Louis Figo Manico, shoving him around the ring and slapping him down with big strikes with ease. The ever talented strategist, Manico soon started using The Big Bad’s own size against him, by taking the big man’s momentum and hitting sudden suplexes and takedowns until he could secure The Big Bad on the mat!

<div style="text-align:center;">http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/BamBamJohansson.jpg</div>

Just at Manico was getting the upper hand, Bam Bam Johansson started to make his way to ringside to once again observe the match. Manico, like Spiros felt the need to ignore his match to go yell at Johansson, and turned around right into The Big Bad, who went for the Soviet Slam! But Manico slipped out the back, spun The Big Bad around, and kicked him in the gut to set up and hit the Madrid Maul for the win!

Louis Figo Manico defeated The Big Bad in 10:11 by pinfall after using a foreign object. During the match we also had Bam Bam Johansson distract Louis Figo Manico.

B

<div style="text-align:center;">http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/LouisFigoManico.jpghttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/BamBamJohansson.jpg</div>

As The Big Bad slinks off in agony, Bam Bam Johansson rolls into the ring and goes face to face with Louis Figo Manico. Two of Europe’s biggest stars of all time stare each other down, the tension almost building to a crescendo… but are distracted away from each other by the sound of music that can only be described as a bad knockoff of “O Fortuna”!

<div style="text-align:center;">http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/SpirostheMighty.jpg</div>

Spiros The Mighty makes his way into the entrance… thing… and makes his way into the ring. All three men circle each other, waiting for someone else to make the first move.

Spiros The Mighty: HARK and give heed, wicked man of the West and so called “Alpha”! By the insight of the Gods, I have ascertained the vile plot brought upon me this hour! I know well that the “Alpha” distracted me so that El Brisa, a suspected agent of the wicked man, could attempt to vanquish the champion of his destruction!

Louis Figo Manico: My main man, did you not watch my previous match? This… dishonorable, half man attempted to have me… Louis… Figo… Manico, defeated by my opponent as well! I tell you again, I am not wicked man, and I had no part in Johansson’s vile actions against you tonight, or any other night!

Bam Bam Johansson: C’mon, you can fault me for just being so much more ALPHA, such a REAL MAN compared to you boys that you got distracted! I mean, if I was super old like you Manico and I still hadn’t hit puberty, I’d be curious as to what a man looked like too! And it’s cool bro, IT’S COOL, just don’t claim I was trying to actually ruin your match like a hater! I don’t hate bro, I DON’T HATE!!!

Louis Figo Manico: You, a real man? My no longer main man, a real man learns to fight by doing more than spending twelve hours in weight rooming shooting bull shark testosterone into his buttocks! You are not a real man; you are a travesty upon this sport!

Bam Bam Johansson: WOAH, bro! Now I understand you wish you had PECS LIKE ME, but there’s no reason to get all jealous of my genetic superiori-

Johansson is cut short, as Manico spikes his microphone into his face! Immediately they began brawling, with Johansson starting to get the upper hand… but Spiros jumps in and attacks Johansson as well! Despite being overwhelmingly Alpha, Johansson is soon beat into a kneeling position before being hit with a Madrid Maul from Manico! With Johansson down, Manico and Spiros slowly turn to face each other. Cautiously, Manico extends his hand.

But Spiros only offers a boot to the gut, followed by the Wrath of the Gods, sending Manico flopping around the ring!

Spiros The Mighty: Do not dare to touch me with your tainted hand, wicked man, least your corruption spread into me! And as for you, “Alpha”… the Gods have sent word that I am your Omega… Your beginning shall meet this end, and an eruption of hellfire shall consume your existence until the Champion of the Gods is the EWA Universal champion! Prepare yourselves, for the end of you both is at hand!

BAH GAWD!!! TRIPLE THREAT THIS WEEKEND AT COLLISION COURSE!!! IT’LL BE A BARN BURNER!!!

A

Overall Rating: B-

OOC: Bah, starting to write too much again! Oh well, it was a special event with us being in Norway and all. Speaking of which, I tried to show the fans in Norway still treating Bam Bam like a face... even some of my booking reflected him in a better light, I think. Wanted to do what the WWF/E atleast used to do when a Canadian who was playing a heel was in Canada, particularly for house shows, and would treat them briefly as faces for the night.

ZMAN · May 4, 2009

Damn you're really good with the voices in those promos. Marat-Johansen war must happen soon.

Phantom Stranger · May 4, 2009

Holy Crap Bam Bam Is So Alpha He Can Help The Breeze Win.

Comradebot · May 4, 2009

<div style="text-align:center;">http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/EWA4.png</div> <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="22574" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div> Quick Picks: Byron vs. Haiti Voodude Barry Vechio (MOSC) vs. Adam Matravers©: EWA European title Jeri Behr vs. Anna Ki vs. Miss Information vs. Geena The Warrior Princess©: EWA Female title Eddie Cornell vs. Sergei Kalashnov The Force vs. Marat Khoklov Louis Figo Manico vs. Spiros The Mighty vs. Bam Bam Johansson©: EWA Universal title</div></blockquote> Note: Barry Vechio is a randomly generated worker who got signed by MOSC. For what its worth, he's a solid worker who I gave a random pic to... that I guess you'll see when I write this show up! Hey, random workers can be funs.

Phantom Stranger · May 4, 2009

Byron vs. Haiti Voodude

Eddie Cornell vs. Sergei Kalashnov

The Force vs. Marat Khoklov

Kalashnov will follow this victory by renaming himself S.K. Walker and joining the Force.

Briskout · May 5, 2009

Byron vs. Haiti Voodude

Eddie Cornell vs. Sergei Kalashnov

The Force vs. Marat Khoklov

Card looks epic. Or Alpha. Whatever you prefere.

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EWA: Why People Almost Care About Wrestling In Europe, But Hate Themselves For It

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