EWA: Why People Almost Care About Wrestling In Europe, But Hate Themselves For It

Comradebot · May 18, 2009

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EWA ALPHA!

December 2010 Week 2

From Bayern Stadion in front of 2000 fans and TAPED for Euro Cable Sports 1!

Dark Show:

Cyber-Beast vs. The Force

The Force defeated Cyber-Beast in 6:23 when Jed High defeated Beast Bantom by pinfall with a Sky High.

D+

Geena The Warrior Princess & Barry Vechio vs. Jeri Behr & Frank De Pain

Geena The Warrior Princess and Barry Vechio drew with Jeri Behr and Frank De Pain in 6:19 when the referee lost control and stopped the match.

D-

Main Show:

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Hugh de Aske vs. Jeffery McPeterson (MOSC)

Apparently both of these two figured that their opponents talent was great enough to carry them to a great match, and as such what should’ve been a brilliant display of young European talent devolved into a mess with blown spots and both workers getting lost more than once in the ring. The few parts where they were on the same page showed both brawler hybrids show that they were above average workers, but that didn’t happen all too often. Even when Hugh de Aske hit the Cut-Throat Driver it looked like McPeterson initially didn’t realize he’d been hit with a finish move.

Hugh de Aske defeated Jeffery McPeterson in 6:22 by pinfall with a Cut-Throat Driver.

D

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Eddie Cornell vs. Hercules Johansson

And the next match was quite the opposite with these two actually being very much on the same page (a rarity for “Rugged Due Process” Eddie Cornell). Hercules’s raw power and size was difficult for Cornell to handle alone, and things got worse for him as Johansson even managed to nearly equal Cornell’s technical prowess. Johansson finally took full control of the match and prepared for the Hercules Lift (which I just realized is a submission move, whoops! So yeah… now it’s a torture rack.)…

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When Adam Matravers appeared at ringside, pointing at the EWA European title! Johansson tossed the now limp Eddie aside and reached through the ropes at Matravers… and promptly took a belt shot right to the face, sending the big man down hard! Cornell came to, and after pondering how he got Johansson on the ground shrugged and locked in the Blame Journey! Hercules was unable to respond, and the win goes to Cornell!

Eddie Cornell defeated Hercules Johansson in 8:26 by submission with a Blame Journey. During the match we also had Adam Matravers run in and attack Hercules.

D+

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Matravers steps into the ring, stalking Hercules Johansson as he tries to stumble back to his feet… and blasts him in the face again with the EWA European title for his effort! Johansson goes down hard, and Adam kicks him rather ****ily in the head a few times before signaling a microphone.

Adam Matravers: Tsk, tsk, tsk… You should’ve known better, Herky. You should’ve known better than to make an, unprovoked mind you, attack on me. On… ME! Did you really think that I, “The Mile High Millionaire”, would just sit back and let you try and tarnish my good image? Perhaps you thought your little assault would make people think that I’m not the smartest, the richest, the most talented, and the most photogenic man here in the EWA! And look where it gets you boyo… knocked right back down into the gutter by the very man I’m sure you wish to be. But you’re not me, Herky, oh no, no, no, no. I’m better than you, and this belt here? This belt is too good to ever be worn around your waist, because you ARE nothing but waste.

Adam Matravers drops the microphone and delivers a few more cheap kicks into the rips of Hercules Johansson before pointing at the title again and walking off, leaving Johansson crumpled on the mat.

C+

Marching out to the theme of the Soviet Union’s national anthem it is…

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The Soviet Union of course! C’mon, who else would come out to that music? Byron? I think not. Boris and The Big Bad are in their ring gear, with Khoklov in street clothes and walking in front of them while waving the Soviet flag high above his head. All three of them step over the top rope to enter the ring and Khoklov puts the Soviet flag in the hands of The Big Bad (who promptly continues to wave it behind Khoklov) while he grabs a microphone.

Marat Khoklov: Recently, Khoklov has witnessed great atrocities and deceit against Soviet Union. While Soviet Union greatest of all in Europe, little Hollywood capitalist greedily hold onto titles that rightfully belong in hands of workers. Last week, Force attempted to flee might of Soviet Union, realizing that they not have strength like great Siberian bear!

The Big Bad: BEEEEAAAAAAR!!!

Marat Khoklov: The result was the one form of communism that Khoklov not fan of, with Soviet Union forced into draw by capitalist trickery!

With a loud thump, Khoklov thrusts the microphone into the chest of Boris Kiriyakin, who promptly takes it for his own purposes.

Boris Kiriyakin: It is quite clear that Soviet Union is superior to The Force in every way, much like how communism is greater than capitalism in every way, or how Lenin is superior to Woodrow Wilson.

The Big Bad: WOODROOOW WIIILLSSOOOON!!!

Boris Kiriyakin: However, the events of last week not only mean Force escape fate against Soviet Union that week, but now Soviet Union must instead face different ignorant pigs this week. This clearly another conspiracy to slander greatness of the Motherland, and Soviet Union will not tolerate it! Tonight we crush westerners from Devastation United, but Soviet Union demands fair opportunity to finish job against The Force! Greedy Wall Street serpents cannot be allowed to slither away with even more gold for the hoard of it they sleep in at night!

C

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Devastation United vs. Soviet Union

Apparently Devastation United didn’t take kindly to the idea of the Soviet Union already looking past them at towards yet another title shot, and came out throwing a furious amount of fists at whichever Soviet was the legal man. However, Poppa Punisher soon slipped up in his effort to use power moves against, well… The Big Bad, who happens to be A LOT more powerful than he is. Unable to lift The Big Bad, the Austrian heavyweight found himself tossed across the ring with ease by the bigger of the two Russians in the match. The Soviet Union took full control, with Boris sending Puffy out of the ring with a clothesline, and then the duo hitting Poppa Punisher with a Red Square for the win, much to the delight of Marat Khoklov at ringside.

Soviet Union defeated Devastation United in 8:30 when Boris Kiriyakin defeated Poppa Punisher by pinfall with a Red Square.

D+

The Soviet Union are all together celebrating their victory… when out come The Force! And truth be told, they don’t look too happy.

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Toby Juan Kanobi: Very clever, Darth Khoklov, but I see through YOUR trickery. You know as well as I do that the only reason last week’s match ended with a draw is because of your interference. Had you stepped aside, then I assure you the match would’ve ended with a decisive victory and we’d know be looking for new contenders to challenge us for the EWA Tag Team titles.

Marat Khoklov: BAH! Khoklov is disgusted at such insinuations! Why would Khoklov assist Comrades in matter they handle on their own, yes?

Jed High: Oh, but you DID attack us during the match, Darth Khoklov! Perhaps you’re forgetting… this?

The Euro-tron flickers to life, showing a clip from last week with Marat Khoklov sending Jed High crashing face first into the steps after getting tossed out of the ring.

Marat Khoklov: THAT?! That is nothing more than Hollywood movie magic trickery! Khoklov not stand for this! Soviet Union not stand for this!

Toby Juan Kanobi: You won’t? Well sorry, Darth Khoklov and the rest of your Soviet Union, but we stand by not only the video evidence but our own memories. We recall and can prove every single act of treachery each of you have attempted since we beat you, fairly, for these titles. My apprentice and I have discussed the situation, and we both agree… we’re sick of playing the Dark Side’s twisted game. We will not face any of you again in the near future for these titles, simply because we feel it’s in the best interest of the universe if you are not granted another opportunity to cheat towards a title victory.

Immediately the Soviet Union scream in anger at The Force as they leave, and soon turn towards one another, each one blaming the other for The Force’s refusal to another title match!

C+

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Haiti Voodude vs. Bam Bam Johansson

Flexing? Check. Rampant use of voodoo magic rather than wrestling? Check. Alphaness? Check and check. The match was an outright slugfest with both workers taking the time to play to the crowd to break up the segments of them either smacking each other as hard as they could with various strikes or trying to simply overpower one another in tests of strength. In one such instance, Johansson used his vast strength to send Haiti Voodude into the corner hard, bouncing back with enough force for Johansson to catch him and lay him out with the Spinebuster for an easy win.

Bam Bam Johansson defeated Haiti Voodude in 10:29 by pinfall with a Spinebuster.

C

In an unidentified room backstage all of the lights are off. The only sound heard is a faint snoring until…

BAM BAM BAM BAM!!!

Snorer: Go away, I’m… uhh…. busy?

BAM BAM KNOCKITY KNOCK!

Snorer: Damnit, I said I’m-

The door (which appears to be duct-taped on) flies open and the lights shoot on, causing Lawrence Young to wince in pain and cover his eyes. Louis Figo Manico enters through said thrown open door.

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Lawrence Young: OH GOD, THE LIGHT!!! IT BURNS!!!

Louis Figo Manico: There’s no time for silliness now, Commissioner, for this is an issue of upmost importance we must discuss!

Lawrence Young: The burning… the burning…

Louis Figo Manico: Please, just listen! Now, Bam Bam Johansson has the right as EWA Universal champion to deny a challenge, si? But he’s reasoning for doing so is of a selfish nature! Everyone except him wishes for me… Louis… Figo… Manico to be the official number one contender! I wish to be number one contender so that he and I can finally know who is truly the better man, the fans want to see it, and you, Commissioner, you wish to see it!

Lawrence Young: I… I do?

Manico shoots across the office, pulling Lawrence Young up onto his next and side to side with “The Pain From Spain”. Louis holds him there while raising his other arm into an imaginary place in the air, as if to start finger painting a very image in the void.

Louis Figo Manico: Yes, you do! Think about it, Commissioner! “The Alpha Norwegian” Bam Bam Johansson… “The Pain From Spain” Louis… Figo… MANICO!!! Live on Pay Per View at EWA The Great War, the final show of 2010! It will be hailed as the culmination of everything EWA has worked to this year, perhaps the greatest match I will have the pleasure of putting on in front of all of Europe!

Lawrence Young: All of Europe?

Louis Figo Manico: All of Europe, si! It could be an event like the one I witnessed as a child, where William Riley defeated Commandant Markus Maier for the WBW title after a thirty minute match that now lives forever in history as the greatest of early European wrestling! The children who watch it may very well show it to their children, and so will grow the love for this great sport on this great continent! And you, my main man, you be the one who said “I was responsible for changing European wrestling’s history.”

Lawrence Young: I can?

Louis Figo Manico: Yes, you!

Lawrence Young: Me? But how?

Louis Figo Manico: Just book the match Commissioner! Let the fans have the main event they truly desire! Let the end of 2010 be the dawn of something great, my main man!

Manico finally releases his hold on Young, who slumps back into his chair and straightens his suit.

Lawrence Young: You make a compelling argument, Manico… but you were correct in saying Johansson has the right to deny you a title shot, since he technically received a win against you in the triple threat match. But listen here… I’ll talk to Johansson for you, but I’m not making you any promises or deals, ya understand? Any questions?

Louis Figo Manico: Just one: Where is that lovely poinsettia I got for your office?

Lawrence Young: It was… stolen… by… renegade… gypsies, who… uhh, don’t you have a match?! Go get’em Manico!

Already hyped up on adrenaline, Manico heads out of the office with great haste, leaving Lawrence Young to his beauty sleep.

B

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Ruud Van Anger vs. Louis Figo Manico

Fine, I’ll admit it. When there’s really not a great main event to be had that night, it seems to always work to put a Dutchman against Manico. The match was pretty similar to all of them held between these two, with Manico doing whatever he could to keep the fast moving RVA on the ground and tossing him around with suplexes while Van Anger tried to even the odds with some high risk offense. And, as usual, Manico’s technical prowess lead to him manipulating Ruud Van Anger’s body until it was in prime position to hit him with the Madrid Maul for the win.

Louis Figo Manico defeated Ruud Van Anger in 12:11 by pinfall with a Madrid Maul.

C+

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Manico is celebrating in the ring, with the fans throwing roses around him like a matador as he bows to them. But with the roar of a motorcycle engine and the screech of 80s metal guitar, Bam Bam Johansson roars out through the EWA tarp and into the entrance area!

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Bam Bam Johansson: Okay, bro, I TOTALLY had to talk with that Commissioner guy and let me tell you, there was nothing Alpha about the conversation. “Fair chance” this and “for the betterment of the company” that, YEAH! And I told him “Look, bro, I’m genetically DIFFERENT, and I’d totally kill an old man in a one on one fight!” I mean, C’MON, do you think Mr. Rogers would’ve survived a shot from these guns!?

With a double “ba-boom” sound, Bam Bam flexes his arms!

Bam Bam Johansson: But then he told me that, perhaps, you too are genetically different! I mean, I guess genetics can not only make you an unstoppable physical specimen like me, but what if genetics, like, made you age well or something, YEAH!!! So we totally agreed on an experiment baby, SCIENCE!!

Louis Figo Manico: Please don’t tell me you discovered something more potent than bull shark testosterone…

Bam Bam Johansson: Bro, NOTHING is better than BST, NOTHING!!! No, HE said we should see if YOU are genetically different in a you don’t get old sorta way, yeah! So over the course of the next two weeks leading to The Great War, we’re gonna do like, some chemistry and biology and stuff baby, YEAH!!! And if his hypothesis is right and mine is wrong, then you’ll be declared scientifically capable of not dying against me!

Louis Figo Manico: Hold on a second, my main man… you mean if I undergo some sort of radical medical experimentation, only THEN will you face me? What kind of “science” are we talking about, exactly?

Bam Bam Johansson: The science of Alpha bro, THE SCIENCE OF ALPHA!!! You test proof positive for Alphaness, and I’ll grant you your title match at The Great War, baby, YEAH!!!

OH MY!!! And the fans go wild, as yet another episode of EWA Alpha comes to a close!

B+

Overall Rating: C+

Hyde Hill · May 18, 2009

BS(T) Buster/Driver sounds catchy hehe and who would have ever thought a c+ would be a dissapointing result for an EWA show? (Dutch people can only produce a miracle out of garbage so many times lol ,I kid, I kid.)

Regis · May 18, 2009

Bam Bam Johansson will face Louis Figo Manico... FOR SCIENCE!

Comradebot · May 19, 2009

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Quick Picks:
Geena The Warrior Princess vs. Anna Ki©: EWA Female title
Bam Bam Johansson vs. White Knight
Double Dutch vs. Devastation United
Jed High vs. El Brisa
Louis Figo Manico vs. Haiti Voodude

Phantom Stranger · May 19, 2009

Geena The Warrior Princess vs. Anna Ki©: EWA Female title

Bam Bam Johansson vs. White Knight

Double Dutch vs. Devastation United

Jed High vs. El Brisa

Louis Figo Manico vs. Haiti Voodude

Hyde Hill · May 19, 2009

Quick Picks:

Geena The Warrior Princess vs. Anna Ki©: -EWA Female title A little longer altough Geena is better

Bam Bam Johansson vs. White Knight - Alpha Baby, Alpha!

Double Dutch vs. Devastation United - I know I shouldn't but can't help myself hehe plus reward for being good with the fig.

Jed High vs. El Brisa - The breese will win and expect some red involvement

Louis Figo Manico vs. Haiti Voodude - Test one voodo magick, check!

Comradebot · May 27, 2009

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EWA ALPHA!

December 2010 Week 3

From Bayern Stadion in front of 2000 fans and LIVE on Euro Cable Sports 1!

Dark Show:

Hugh de Aske vs. Hercules Johansson

Hercules Johansson defeated Hugh de Aske in 5:37 by submission with a Hercules Lift.

D+

Byron & Toby Juan Kanobi vs. Cyber-Beast

Byron and Toby Juan Kanobi defeated Cyber-Beast in 5:44 when Byron defeated Clinton Washington by pinfall with an Upper Class.

D+

Main Show:

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Geena The Warrior Princess vs. Anna Ki©: EWA Female title

Nothing epic to report here, as Geena and Anna Ki do what EWA female wrestlers always do and manage to show a lot of skin and positions that no normal person actually ends up in while fighting. The stand up style of Geena wasn’t enough, as Anna Ki managed to take control of the match with her more mat based approach, eventually leading to Russian once again defeating America as Anna Ki planted her opponent with the Ki-D-T for the win.

Anna Ki defeated Geena The Warrior Princess in 6:12 by pinfall with a Ki-D-T. Anna Ki makes defence number 2 of her EWA Female title.

C-

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Geena is still recovering her wits in the ring, trying to fight back to her feet…

Alas, a rumbling of the arena sends her tumbling back down to her hands and knees. Is it perhaps the power trying to come back on? After all, lights are flickering, though that could itself be a result of the seismic event. In a flash of crimson, they emerge:

The warriors of the working class.

The Red Terrors.

The Soviet Union.

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Marat Khoklov leads the march, the Soviet Flag waving high above his head, with The Big Bad and Boris flanking him on each side. Stepping over the top rope and into the ring, they soon encircle Geena.

Marat Khoklov: Little girl… you are American, yes?

Looking at the massive Communist who once drove her painfully through a table, Geena nods while quaking with fear.

Marat Khoklov: And as American wench, you are too capitalist, yes?

Geena starts to nod, but…. WHACK! Marat Khoklov jabs the Soviet flag’s pole directly into the side of her head, nearly knocking her out!

Marat Khoklov: Then Khoklov say little American wench first capitalist to feel wrath of Motherland! Hollywood pigs refuse equal chance for Soviet Union to face them for belts, so now Soviet Union give Communism of pain to capitalists!

With that sentence, the Soviet Union start stomping the downed Geena viciously! Grabbing her by the throat, Khoklov lifts Geena forcibly to her feet and shoves her into the waiting arms of Boris and The Big Bad, who restrain her long enough for Marat to jab her in the ribs with the flag pole! There is no respite for Geena, who is soon lifted up by Boris and The Big Bad, who slam her down with the Red Square!

Marat Khoklov: Stand up, capitalist wench!

Seemingly incapable of complying to the demand, Geena writhes on the ground in pain.

Marat Khoklov: Give her assistance, Comrades.

Lifting her by her hair, Boris then shoves Geena into the waiting arms of Marat Khoklov. A hard knee to the ribs causes Geena to double over, allowing Khoklov to lift her up and…. RUSSIAN LEGEND POWERBOMB! Geena hits the mat with a sickening amount of force, and immediately goes limp! Khoklov picks the Soviet flag back up and waves it high above the broken body of Geena the Warrior Princess, the rest of the Soviet Union standing triumphantly next to him.

B-

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White Knight vs. Bam Bam Johansson

Sure, White Knight has some impressive musculature, and is more than capable of using his over-muscled body to overpower most opponents… but on the other hand, he lacks that certain spark… that certain Alphaness that allows another freakishly well built man to simply overwhelm him and completely no sell his well executed brawling style of offense. The two big powerhouses simply slugged it out in the classic EWA style, eventually trying to beat the other man using their raw strength. To idiotic fans of wrestling, it’d appear to be a boring match with two bodybuilders just pushing each other around and occasionally throwing the heavy forearm or punch. To the EWA crowd, it appeared in its true form: a battle of two representations of human physical perfection. In the end, Bam Bam’s “Alphaness” was simply too much, and once he started connecting with his patented shoulderblocks it was only a matter of time until the Spinebuster followed, ending the glorious spectacle.

Bam Bam Johansson defeated White Knight in 8:02 by pinfall with a Spinebuster.

C

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Wasting no time after the match, Bam Bam Johansson leaps over the top rope and onto his motorcycle (flexing in mid-air flip as he does so), and with a roar of the engine he shoots back out the entrance while popping a wheelie.

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In the most Alpha locker room ever, Sergei Kalashnov is busy sprinkling something marked “Peruvian Madness Peppers” over a rather large slab of steak. Satisfied with the level of PMP on the steak, Kalashnov tosses the massive hunk of meat into an aquarium in front of him. Immediately, a bull shark emerges from the depths of the tank and violently begins to devour the steak. Suddenly, a loud crashing is emitted as the door to the locker room collapses! Fog rolls in, and a rumbling is heard in the distance… Like an apparition forming in an abandoned prison, the form of Bam Bam Johansson on his motorcycle morphs into view amongst the fog! He rides into the locker room, using his foot to send the door careening back into its original position.

Sergei Kalashnov: Word up Double B! What is goin’ down TONIGHT!?

Bam Bam Johansson: SERGEI, Bro, you tell me! I was TOTALLY being too Alpha out there to figure out how to use, like, physics to determine if that old dude is Alpha or not! I mean, clearly he isn’t Alpha, but neither is that Commissioner guy as he clearly lack the Alpha-dar required to detect fellow Alphas, meaning he isn’t Alpha because if he was he’d detect the lack of Alphaness in the old guy!

Sergei Kalashnov: I feel ya, man, I feel ya…

Bam Bam Johansson: Now if we could prove to the genetically inferior that Alpha-dar exists, then he’d TOTALLY not force us to prove what we already know! Now, how would we do that?

Flexing his right arm, Johansson looks to it for guidance… or possibly he’s just enjoying flexing his arm, as the thought process soon turns into awkward silence.

Sergei Kalashnov: Maybe… we should just run that Manico foo’ through the test like we promised?

Bam Bam Johansson: BRO! That was totally was I was thinking! That’s crazy man, CRAZY!!! We’ve got like, some sorta Alpha psychic link or something, RIGHT?! But, like, maybe we could have him jump my motorcycle through a flaming wheel of fire! I mean, I did that TWICE last night and it was pretty Alpha, baby, YEAH!!!

Sergei Kalashnov: But what if he messes up your ride? Ain’t nothin’ Alpha about drivin’ around on a busted up bike!

Bam Bam Johansson: Okay then, Plan… B, BABY!!! We have that old guy, get this, fight ninjas…. NINJAS!!! Ninjas are like, the largest group of Alphas ever assembled! They all that kung-fu and throwing stars man, totally!!! And only an Alpha can defeat a whole swarm of ninjas, right?!

Sergei Kalashnov: Are you for real Double B? Now where are we gonna find a whole swarm of ninjas in the middle of Nowhere, Germany at this hour in the middle of the winter?

Once again, Johansson seeks guidance from his ever flexing bicep.

Bam Bam Johansson: Right, and everyone knows that ninjas’ only weakness is cold weather. Weather bro, YEAH!!! Okay Plan… C… isn’t in the books, bro! It’s not! Because C isn’t Alpha, and this plan is TOTALLY GONNA BLOW YOUR FREAKIN’ MIND!

Sergei Kalashnov: Alright brotha, sounds like you’ve got something good up your-

Bam Bam Johansson: NARWHALS!!!

Sergei Kalashnov: N… Narwhals?

Bam Bam Johansson: Don’t you know!? Narwhals are the most Alpha of all mammals, other than myself! They’re totally JACKED!!!

Sergei Kalashnov: Oh c’mon B, how in the hell are we gonna do anything involving ANY kind of large cetacean here tonight? But don’t let a frown on that plan get you down… because you just gave me an idea.

Kalashnov taps on the glass of the aquarium, sending the bull shark (which is now hopped up on Peruvian Madness Peppers) into a frenzy.

Bam Bam Johansson: BRO!!! TOTALLY!!!

B+

Holy crap, AFTERSHOCKS!!!! For the second time tonight, the entire arena starts to shake and rumble! Could it be? It is!

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The Soviet flag still proudly flowing above his head, Marat Khoklov enters the arena, muscle by muscle. The audience still remembers his brutal assault on Geena just minutes ago, and let the Soviet Giant hear their disproval of his return!

Marat Khoklov: Earlier tonight, Soviet Union send message to capitalists all across EWA and perhaps all of world itself! This message not simple “Red Aggression” as some put it, but the Motherland’s response to vile capitalist tactics! And while fellow capitalists not directly responsible for recent actions against Soviet Union, they gain responsibility through inaction, yes? They sit back and allow fellow fat cat pigs to wrong the proletariat! And know Khoklov say this: If capitalists do not wish to incur further Communism of Pain, then little Hollywood men must agree to end their evil capitalist plot and grant Soviet Union rightful Tag Team title shot, yes?

After lowering the microphone, Khoklov calmly waves the Soviet flag as he awaits a response from The Force.

But after several moments, none comes.

Marat Khoklov: Very well then. Khoklov now not only show you true might of Soviet Union, but that Soviet Union not bluffing like Ronald Reagan with Star Wars death ray! Comrades!

Khoklov points up to the Euro-tron, which flickers to life! In an unidentified room backstage, Boris Kiriyakin and The Big Bad burst inside to find Byron giving himself a pedicure!

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Byron is taken completely off guard as the two Soviets brutally beat him in his beautiful face and send him crashing into the wall. Byron is viscously stomped into oblivion before the two big Russians exit, leaving Byron crumpled on the ground in the fetal position.

Marat Khoklov: This suffering is on your hands, Hollywood men! If you and fellow bourgeoisie continue to wrong working class, then working class shall rise to overthrow oppressors! Soviet Union’s revolution of the people shall continue until Soviet Union no longer oppressed, yes!?

C+

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Double Dutch vs. Devastation United

Because this show is getting far longer word wise then I ever planned, I’ll keep it simple right here. Double Dutch’s awesome teamwork and speed more than made up for their lack of size, and Ruud Van Anger nailed Puffy with the Dutch Courage off the top rope for an easy three to end a solid match.

Double Dutch defeated Devastation United in 8:15 when Ruud Van Anger defeated Puffy The Sand Iron Player by pinfall with a Dutch Courage.

C-

Meanwhile, in the sanctuary of the Jedi!

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Jed High: Master, we cannot allow Darth Khoklov to use innocent people in his plot! We must do something!

Toby Juan Kanobi: Jed, we cannot give into his evil demands. If Darth Khoklov learns now that he and his Sith brethren can get what they want through wanton violence then he will do so again.

Jed High: But those same innocent people will blame us, master, for their suffering! We have the power to end it now!

Toby Juan Kanobi: And if we end the suffering now, more shall come in the future. Some must sacrifice their health for the greater good, young padawan. It is unpleasant, but it is also ultimately for the greater good.

Jed High: The greater good?! How can innocents suffering lead to ANY good!? If we give into their demands then we CAN stop them master, and we must!

Toby Juan Kanobi: Jed, your emotions-

Jed High: My emotions tell me that your course of action is wrong, master! And if you want stop them, then I’ll do it myself!

Toby Juan Kanobi: Jed High, wait! Please, do not-

Alas, he’s too late to finish the sentence as with a flick of his cloak Jed High heads out the door… to his match. Well, he can fight communism AFTER that, right?

C

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Jed High vs. El Brisa

Fast paced over the top action on a Michael Bay movie level, with these two never showing any signs of quit in either! Crazy flips, chain wrestling, and high risk moves galore, Jed High and El Brisa showed EWA a form of cruiserweight wrestling even the EWA crowd could appreciate. It was basically like an 80s action flick unfolding in a ring, with a mysterious masked Mexican facing off against a Jedi. El Brisa’s skills, granted by the winged serpent god Quetzalcoatl, weren’t enough to deal with Jed High’s masterful use of the Force, as he soon used it to toss El Brisa painfully off of the turnbuckle… but the force blast was too much, also leveling the referee! Jed High bounded up top and hit the Sky High (a five star frog splash… not that “other” Sky High move), but there was no ref… but there was a third rumbling…

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As Marat Khoklov hit the ring! Jed High stood up…and was leveled with a potentially neck-breaking Moscow Lariat! Khoklov then woke up both the referee and El Brisa by grabbing each by the back of the neck and lifting them to their feet. Seeing an opportunity, El Brisa now went up top and the Siesta Bomb (a senton bomb) for the three count!

El Brisa defeated Jed High in 9:54 by pinfall with a Siesta Bomb following interference from Marat Khoklov.

B

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Khoklov waives towards the entrance… and a Soviet tank begins backing into the arena!!! It pulls up to the ring as Khoklov drags the limp body of Jed High out of it.

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The top hatch opens, and out comes Boris Kiriyakin. Khoklov heaves Jed High up to Boris, who it turn passes him into the waiting arms of The Big Bad and down into the depths of the tank! Boris Kiriyakin climbs back inside, closing the hatch behind him. Meanwhile, Marat Khoklov climbs on top of the tank, raising the Soviet flag high in one hand as he rises to his feet! With a lurch, the tank rolls back out the entrance, Khoklov keeping his pose the entire time! The cameras follow the tank backstage, as it rumbles through the building, out into the parking garage (flattening several small, European vehicles unlucky enough to be in its way in the process) and finally out into the bitter cold of the German winter! With a crash through a gate, the tank rolls out of sight, Khoklov still maintaining his pose!

B-

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Louis Figo Manico vs. Haiti Voodude

Looking to loosen up before whatever his first Alpha test is, Manico faced off against Jamaica’s Haiti Voodude! Much like steroids and time in the gym, Voodoo magic is simply another short-cut to take in the wrestling world. But as we all know, Manico is a real wrestler, nay, a real man. His great physical conditioning even allowed him to shrug off Voodude’s attempts to hypnotize Manico, and limited the harmful effects of the black Voodoo Dust Voodude blew into his eyes! In time, Haiti Voodude ran out of tricks and Manico’s amazing level of wrestling ability was given a chance to shine, as he locked Voodude in a variety of clever submissions and dropped him with an equally large variety of takedowns and suplexes. With Voodude reeling, Manico manipulated his body into position for the Madrid Maul, which ended the match.

Louis Figo Manico defeated Haiti Voodude in 11:30 by pinfall with a Madrid Maul.

B-

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Manico doesn’t have to wait long to hear the sounds of electric guitar and a motorcycle engine! Flexing for the crowd while flying around the ring on his motorcycle at excessive speeds, a lesser man would snap his neck doing the same. But Bam Bam Johansson is an Alpha, and Alpha is lesser to none! Finally, “The Alpha Norwegian” climbs into the ring, flexing the whole time.

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Louis Figo Manico: Alright, my main man, what do you want me to do to prove I am as much of a man as you, if not more?

Bam Bam doesn’t respond, instead he just… flexes. And then flexes some more. He raises his arms for a different flex… and a finger on each hand points up!

Louis Figo Manico: Mi Dios…

High above the ring, an aquarium is slowly being lowered down. Inside it, the once visible bull shark is now just a blur of speed and awesome. Both Manico and Johansson step back to opposite sides of the ring as the aquarium drops directly into the center.

Bam Bam Johansson: Okay, old man, you want to prove your Alpha, right, RIGHT?! Then do what EVERY Alpha has to do, and capture the very essence OF Alphaness!

Louis Figo Manico: So all I have to do is catch your little fish, and that proves I am Alpha? My grandfather, while once a great man, still catches fish (feeeeesh, hehehehe) is now tragically senile and confused. Yet last weekend he catch twelve fish and he didn’t even remember doing it. Unless senility is “Alpha”, then I fail to see the merits behind me simply catching your fish.

Bam Bam Johansson: Oh, but this isn’t just an ordinary fish, BRO!!! It’s a bull shark, baby, a BULL… SHARK!!! They’re the most Alpha of animals, the most cold-blooded of the cold-blooded! Also, GET THIS: he’s recently eaten a 12 oz steak covered in Peruvian Madness Peppers! The most Alpha meat covered in the most Alpha of spices! As we speak, this bull shark is quite possibly the greatest source of Alphion particles in the universe! Like, even out in space on the planet Alpha they don’t have as many! If you can catch that shark, bro, then you very well might be Alpha!

Louis Figo Manico: Fine, you want me to catch your guppy, then I will. Watch this, my main man.

Manico peers into the trashing water, the shark still nothing more than a blur of sharkness. Johansson shakes his head in laughter as Manico watches the shark.

Bam Bam Johansson: C’mon bro, there’s only a little shame in being a be-

With a lightning quick strike, Manico shoots his hand into the water, and when it returns from the deep it has a very angry bull shark gripped by its tail! Manico holds the shark up high for Johansson and all of Europe to see before lowering it gently into the water.

Bam Bam Johansson: Woah, Manico man… how did you… with the… WOAH!! So… WOW, dude… you’re atleast 50% Alpha. But Alphaness is actually rated by segments of Awesome%, a number which can’t even be written with numbers! And if you can’t reach Awesome%, bro, then you can’t hang with a true Alpha! See you next week, where I KNOW I’ll prove you aren’t genetically different!

Johansson again looks at confusion at Manico’s hand and the shark tank, and walking away… leaving Manico to celebrate with the crowd the passing of his first Alpha test!

A

Overall Rating: B

OOC: Okay, I'll confess: The first attack by the Soviet Union was meant to be LAST show, buuuuut.... I sorta completely forgot about it. Whoops. Oh well, just meant I had to find a way to cram it in for this show! Now only one more Alpha before The Great War!

Comradebot · May 27, 2009

WARNING! Backstage Incident Ahead!

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Starring: Spiros "The Mighty" Landrakis, Jr

In...

The Case of Toilet Force Field

"These are my only pair of pants to wrestle in, what were you thinking!?”

“Honestly… I was thinking it would be legen… wait for it… dary!”

“Legendary, eh? About as bleedin’ legendary as the pain you’re about to receive!”

Spiros Landrakis burst in the room in time to see Puffy The Sand Iron Player aiming his three iron at the head of Clinton Washington.

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“Woah, woah, woah, WOAH! What’s going on in here!”

“I’m about to redecorate this locker room’s walls with the brains of this wanker, that’s what’s ‘going on’.”

“He’s gone loony! Do something, brotha!”

With a simple glance, Spiros solved the case of WHY Puffy was about to bludgeon Clinton over the head. All across the front of Puffy’s golf pants that he regularly wrestles in was a very noticeable amount of moisture… and the stench of ammonia coming off of them.

“Clinton… what did you do.”

Puffy interrupted before Clinton could spek, “The bloke put-“

“Puffy, calm down. I’ll talk to Clinton about what he did, while you please change into something that doesn’t smell like a cat marked its territory on it.”

Puffy faked a lunge at Clinton, causing Washington to visibly cower backwards. Begrudgingly and grumbling, Puffy put away the golf club and grabbed his bags, heading for the door. The moment he was out of ear shot, Clinton burst into laughter.

“Oh MAN I got him good! I really think he wanted to kill me, how cool is that! High five!”

Sadly, Washington finds his hand left hanging as Spiros stares at him and shakes his head.

“High… high five?”

Sigh.

“Clinton, what EXACTLY did you do?”

“Oh man, it was a classic, brotha. I learned this thing from my mate, Jeff, back over in England. Basically, you pull cellophane as tight as you can, so when another bloke goes to wee… WAM, they get it all over their trousers! Brilliant, right?!”

“Yeah, yeah brilliant… just, you can’t do that in THIS locker room.”

“But… it’s funny?”

“Funny or not, it’s simply something you can be doing to other people. I know we’re like a family here, Clinton, but we’re also a business. And even IF we were just a family, I’d tell you not to do this. No one should have to deal having their own urine sprayed back onto them at any point in their lives.”

“Lord, how can any of you not get the fact that is was madly FUNNY!?! Were the both of ya born without funny bones? Alright, alright… as much as it pains me… tell him I’m sorry. I don’t regret any of it, I’ll be honest, but I promise not to do it again. Just can’t believe none of you understand the subtle complexities of me makin’ ol’ Puffy wee all over himself.”

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Quick Picks:
White Knight & Barry Vechio (MOSC) vs. Soviet Union
Danny Patterson vs. Adam Matravers©: EWA European title
Spiros The Mighty vs. Beast Bantom
Marat Khoklov vs. “His Special Guest”
Sergei Kalashnov vs. Louis Figo Manico

Regis · May 27, 2009

Quick Picks:

White Knight & Barry Vechio (MOSC) vs. Soviet Union

Clearly, the White Knight and Barry are not huge and talentless enough to win here!

Danny Patterson vs. Adam Matravers©: EWA European title

But I'm not sure - Danny Patterson is HUGE and has a pair of A* stats on his sheet that may work in his favour...

Spiros The Mighty vs. Beast Bantom

Spiros, while not in the title picture any more, is still not going to lose to the Best.

Marat Khoklov vs. “His Special Guest”

Seriously.

Sergei Kalashnov vs. Louis Figo Manico

Because he might... just might... be ALPHA.

Phantom Stranger · May 27, 2009

White Knight & Barry Vechio (MOSC) vs. Soviet Union

Danny Patterson vs. Adam Matravers©: EWA European title

Spiros The Mighty vs. Beast Bantom

Marat Khoklov vs. “His Special Guest”

Sergei Kalashnov vs. Louis Figo Manico

Comradebot · May 28, 2009

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EWA ALPHA!

December 2010 Week 4

From Bayern Stadion in front of 2000 fans and TAPED for Euro Cable Sports 1!

Dark Show:

Geena The Warrior Princess & Donna Marino vs. Jeri Behr & Miss Information

Geena The Warrior Princess and Donna Marino drew with Jeri Behr and Miss Information in 6:25 following a double disqualification.

D

Jeffery McPeterson (MOSC) vs. Haiti Voodude

Haiti Voodude defeated Jeffery McPeterson in 6:02 by pinfall with a Black Magik.

D-

Main Show:

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White Knight & Barry Vechio (MOSC) vs. Soviet Union

With both size and experience on their side, the Soviet Union made quite the statement in this match. While White Knight managed to hang with them to some extent and even absorb some their 80s-style power moves, the same was not the case for young Vechio, who was simply beat into a pulp. A Red Square put him down for good, allowing The Big Bad to pin him.

Soviet Union defeated White Knight and Barry Vechio in 6:13 when The Big Bad defeated Barry Vechio by pinfall with a Red Square.

D+

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Phoebe Plumridge: Wow, what a great match Mark! Hahahahahaha!

Mark Stanford: Meh, I’ve seen better.

Phoebe Plumridge: And oh… my…. GOD isn’t White Knight just the hottest?!

Mark Stanford: He sure isn’t, sweet cheeks. Anyways, I think now is the time to unveil a special event for tonight, only here live on EWA ALPHA!

Phoebe Plumridge: Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohgod TELL me it’s a new car for everyone in the arena! That’d be soooooooo cool!

Mark Stanford: Can I smoke what you’re having?

Phoebe Plumridge: L O L, oh my god, you are SOOOOOO funny Mark!

Mark Stanford: A simple “no” would’ve sufficed… Well folks, last night I had the opportunity to sit down and talk to “The Pain From Spain” Louis Figo Manico himself to discuss his recent battle with Bam Bam Johansson for the EWA Universal title, and this recent test of Alphaness. Let’s tune in, and enjoy what an amazing interviewer I truly am….

The Euro-tron flickers to life once again, and sitting across from each other in overstuffed leather chairs are Mark Stanford and Louis Figo Manico.

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Mark Stanford: Thank for coming tonight, Louis Figo Manico.

Louis Figo Manico: Please, call me Louis…

Mark Stanford: No problem Lou-

Louis Figo Manico: Figo…. MANICO!!!

Mark Stanford: Right. Well, on to question number one. Your current contendership can be traced all the way back to the first ever EWA Olympics which started back in August. Do you feel that, as the last gold medalist, this gives you the true right to face Johansson at The Great War?

Louis Figo Manico: My main man, you are correct. The glory of the EWA Olympics was a contest in which every member of the EWA had the opportunity to compete against the rest of the company to prove that they were the best man or woman competitor in all the competing nations. I earned my gold medal in arguably the most physically challenging event, and survived the ensuing tournament that followed. It was truly a contest not of simple skill, but of skill and endurance. A contest of which only I emerged.

Mark Stanford: Well, so did Spiros The Mighty. Which brings me to question two. So Spiros HAPPENED to be the guy who got pinned at Kollision Kourse. Does that really mean you’re now the only guy with a claim at a title shot?

Louis Figo Manico: When Spiros tossed a sheep skin covered in gold spray paint, much like the lovely lady in Goldfinger, which is the best of the James Bond films, he made me the contender. Had Bam Bam Johansson emerged victorious based on his own merits then I would’ve bowed out and let the next man challenge him. But the victory that night was tainted, even if not by Johansson’s own hands. And most unfortunately, this has lead to Johansson attempting to avoid a matchup between him and myself, at the expense of everyone in the world who wishes to see us face off once again.

Mark Stanford: Wow, and that brings us to question THREE! Gotta love how you keep drifting in that direction. Louis… *sigh* Figo… Manico… the last time you and Bam Bam Johansson faced off it was because you considered him unfit for the EWA, and ultimately he beat you. Are you perhaps still holding some kind of grudge against Johansson?

Louis Figo Manico: Oh, a personal question, si? Well my main man, I’d be lying if I said I no longer had reservations against a man whose success is based purely on how many hours he spends in a gym every day and how much bull shark testosterone he can fit into every orifice of his body. But do I pursue Johansson out of a grudge? No, I have grown past such petty feelings as I once had. I allowed my own personal judgment, even possibly jealousy, to cloud my vision from seeing that despite how I felt about Johansson’s… “style”… that the fans wanted to see him. It is not my duty to dictate what the fans want to see, but rather to give them what they say they want to see.

Mark Stanford: Boring answer, but okay… Final question: Tonight is your final Alpha test to prove to “The Alpha Norwegian” that you too are “Alpha” enough to face him tomorrow night for the EWA Universal title. Any idea what to expect?

Louis Figo Manico: All I expect is lunacy to a degree of which some might say doesn’t belong in pro-wrestling. But as that hippie once said, the time’s they are a changing. If I must once again wrestle with a fish, or perhaps jump a car over burning helicopters, then I will. There is nothing Johansson can throw at me that will prevent me from earning my title shot at The Great War, and then facing him one on one like real men. It is what the fans want to see, and it will finally allow us to once again see who the better man is. It would be a disgrace to myself and this company if I were to fail and let not only myself but the EWA’s loyal fans down.

Mark Stanford: *Snore*… Huh? What? You’re done? Well, thanks for coming Louis Figo Manico.

With a shake of the hands, the Euro-tron flickers off.

A

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http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/DannyPatterson.jpgVShttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/AdamMatravers.jpg

Danny Patterson vs. Adam Matravers©: EWA European title

Being almost literally twice the size of the champion, Patterson started off using his power to easily manhandle Matravers. Adam eventually blast him with some high risk attacks, but Patterson shrugged off such sissy efforts! Adam was unable to move the Tower Of London, and the end looked night… until he ducked a big boot that ended up connecting with the referee instead! Matravers capitalized with a swift kick to Patterson’s crotch, and then pulled out a pair of brass knuckles! He aimed carefully….

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But Hercules Johansson slid into the ring from behind with a chair! He swung at Matravers head… but Matravers saw him out of the corner of his eye, ducking just in time and the chair shot ends up cracking Patterson across the skull!!! Hercules turns to swing again, but a well placed dropkick from Matravers sent him tumbling out of the ring. Seeing a new opportunity, Adam Matravers went up top and hit the Mile High Moonsault as a dazed Patrick Garrett counted the pin.

Adam Matravers defeated Danny Patterson in 8:05 by pinfall with a Mile High Moonsault following botched interference by Hercules Johansson. Adam Matravers makes defence number 15 of his EWA European title.

C-

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Hercules Johansson slides back into the ring, leading to him and Matravers squaring off, each one waiting for the other to make a move, when they both turn to the entrance following a blast of Crooner style music through the PA system! Out walks the EWA Commissioner Lawrence Young who doesn’t look pleased in the least.

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Lawrence Young: Now see here you two, I’ve had it to here *raises his hand to chest level* with the constant bickering and I’ve had it to here *raises hand to head level* with the constant and flagrant disregard for the rules around here!

Hercules Johansson: But my bro, he is not being the Alpha!

Lawrence Young: Quiet, you!

Adam Matravers: Yeah, listen to him you over muscled git…

Lawrence Young: And you too, so called Mile High Millionaire who only gets paid roughly 50.000 (he look, I did the numbers European style!) Euros a year! I’m on to your little bootlegging scheme, see, but that isn’t why I’m here. My problem is you two constantly going back and forth… One of you cheats, so then the other one attacks the other during a sanctioned EWA fight! Then the other one does the same to him! It’s vile I say, the stickiest of grime on the most under of bellies in this place! So I’m charging the both of you with multiple counts of disregard for the sanctity of the laws around here. Either you can both serve a one month suspension without pay, also meaning the EWA European title would be stripped from you Mr. Matravers…

Adam Matravers: WHAT?! You’d dare say that I, “The Mile High Millionaire”, would be robbed if this ridiculously large piece of gold? That I’d be treated EQUALLY with this… this… THING! Humph, such nonsense!

Lawrence Young: Then I advise you to take option two. With option two, you can keep your EWA European title…

Adam Matravers: Smart move, Young, as now I don’t have to buy your job and outsource it to India.

Lawrence Young: Or…

Adam Matravers: Or?

Lawrence Young: OR Hercules Johansson could even defeat you for the title! That’s right, option two is a match for the EWA European title tomorrow night at The Great War. The deal is on the table gentlemen, and I advise you both to take it.

An angered Matravers screams about how “this isn’t fair” and “but rich people shouldn’t be treated this way”, while Hercules Johansson takes after his brother… and flexes for all of Europe.

C-

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Beast Bantom vs. Spiros The Mighty

To those who don’t believe in the EWA ways, look no further than this match. To all nay-sayers and non-believers, all those who said “two big muscles dudes with only average talent at best can’t put on good matches”… you are wrong. An amazing displaying of muscles and power, as Bantom and Spiros took turns slowly brawling and tossing each other with their incredible power. Sadly, all good things must come to an end, and Spiros managed to lift Bantom for the Spartanplex, crushing the big man to the mat with an amazing level of force.

Spiros the Mighty defeated Beast Bantom in 8:03 by pinfall with a Spartanplex.

C+ (WTF?! Seriously?!)

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The ground rumbles… trembles, even. First comes a pec, then a bicep, and finally a trapezius. From behind the tarp emerges Marat Khoklov, the sound of the Soviet Union filling the arena as the fans look in awe as all three soon emerge, a red light flooding across the insides of Bayern Stadion. Between The Big Bad and Boris Kiriyakin, Jed High is drug by his arms with this Red Procession, his feet dangling helpless along the ground. They enter the ring, carrying their captured enemy with them.

Marat Khoklov: Little Hollywood capitalist, Khoklov now give you one more chance to end Western treachery. Khoklov demand equality for Soviet Union!

Boris Kiriyakin: Comrade Khoklov, little capitalist will not understand lengths Soviet Union will go to earn what is rightfully ours. Please, commence with Operation: Siberian Slaughter now and perhaps this little Hollywood pig’s suffering will become sink into his friend’s tiny, Western brain.

The Big Bad: PINKY AND THE BRAAAAAAAIN!!!

Marat Khoklov: Comrade Boris, you speak words of wisdom, yes? What say you little capitalist, shall you beg Khoklov for mercy so he not crush you?

Jed High: Do not give in to their demands Master! I understand now! I understand that not no matter what we cannot let the Dark Side have their-

WHAM!!! Marat Khoklov delivers a sickening punch into Jed High’s gut, sending him to his knees. On Khoklov’s signal, Boris Kiriyakin and The Big Bad exit the ring as Khoklov now signals backstage.

Marat Khoklov: So be it, Jed High. Toby Juan Kanobi, watch now as Khoklov CRUSHES YOUR APPRENTICE, YES?!

A referee scrambles from backstage, sliding into the ring to get a “match” started.

B-

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/MaratKhoklov.jpgVShttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/JedHigh.jpg

Marat Khoklov vs. Jed High

Jed High fights to his feet… and is immediately snapped in two with a Moscow Lariat! Khoklov pins him with his foot, but removes it as the referee hits two. Marat Khoklov stomps the helpless body of Jed High without remorse, eventually picking him up… and hitting the Russian Legend Powerbomb! Rather than pinning him, Marat picks up Jed with one hand and pitches him into the corner by his neck, then starts using his boot to choke out Jed High! Soon Khoklov tosses Jed High gorilla press style to the outside, who is then re-deposited into the ring by The Big Bad. The entire “match” is simply Khoklov hitting Jed High with a variety of super stiff strikes and power moves, with the weakened Jed High completely incapable of offering up any kind of defense. Growing bored, Khoklov finally snaps Jed High to the ground with a second Moscow Lariat, once again pinning him with his boot only this time for the three count.

Marat Khoklov defeated Jed High in 7:49 by pinfall with a Moscow Lariat.

C-

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/MaratKhoklov.jpghttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/BorisKiriyakin.jpghttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/TheBigBad.jpghttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/JedHigh.jpg

But assault doesn’t stop there, as Khoklov uses that same boot to start stomping Jed High in the head as the rest of the Soviet Union climb into the ring! The Big Bad joins in on the stomping as Boris directs his allies into better positioning so that he can start throwing powerful fists down into Jed High’s sternum! After what feels like an eternity of this brutal beatdown, knock-off Star Wars music plays at Toby Juan Kanobi appears in the entrance way, causing the Soviet Union to relinquish their attack.

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/TobyJuanKanobi.jpg

Toby Juan Kanobi: Okay Darth Khoklov, you win this battle.

Jed High: Master… no… don’t… don’t…

Toby Juan Kanobi: I am sorry, my padawan learner, but I cannot bear to see you suffer like this at the hands of Darth Khoklov and his flunkies. If it means granting them a final shot at our Tag Team titles, then they shall have their shot.

Khoklov signals to Boris and The Big Bad, and they all step away from Jed High and start making their way out the entrance. However, Khoklov stops as he reaches Toby Juan Kanobi:

Marat Khoklov: You are a fool, little capitalist… Soviet Union will break you and your partner at Great War. Full might of the working class shall not allow fat cats to keep further gold, yes?

Toby Juan Kanobi: You are the fool, Darth Khoklov, for thinking the power of the Dark Side is so great. It will consume all of you, destroying you utterly before you even realize what has happened.

After a brief stare down, the Soviet Union walk past Toby Juan Kanobi who then rushes to the aid of his ailing partner in the ring.

C+

We return from a commercial advertising Johansson’s Brand new Cherry Flavored Bull Shark Soda, to find Sergei Kalashnov now standing in the ring!

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/SergeiKalashnov.jpg

Sergei Kalashnov: Yo yo yo yo, what is up in this house, yo! Louis Figo Manicoooooo, get yo’ wrinkly Spanish booty on out here! It is time for you to see what is behind door number deuce!

With a blast of Spanish style guitar, Louis Figo Manico hastily appears and starts making his way to the ring… pausing briefly to sign the shirt of a young kid in the front row. With little Hans now having a memory he’ll take to the grave, Manico finally climbs into the ring.

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/LouisFigoManico.jpg

Sergei Kalashnov: Okay hombre, are you ready to learn what final test now awaits to prove whether or not you are one of the greatest of the greats, a straight up cold-blooded Alpha?

Louis Figo Manico: My main man, there is not a moment in my life that I am not ready for. For I am Louis… Figo… MANICO!!!

Sergei Kalashnov: Whoooo boy, ya got some confidence dontcha gramps? Well first, let’s introduce our third member of tonight’s event. Weighing in at 369 lbs, the main who is genetically different from the array of Thetas in the worlds, whose body every man, and woman, wants to have as their own…. “The Alpha Norwegian” Bam Bam Johaaaaanssoooooon!!!

On cue the electric guitar rips through the air and Johansson shoots out from the back on his motorcycle. After his regular flexing while driving routine, he dives into the ring. The flexing continues as Sergei keeps talking.

Sergei Kalashnov: Okay for your final test, old timer, you’ve got to defeat me…

Manico nods in understanding.

Sergei Kalashnov: While being attacked the whole time by the “The Alpha Norwegian” himself! Go!

Manico doesn’t have time to react, as Johansson’s arms go from flex to punch instantly, signally the start of the match!

B+

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/SergeiKalashnov.jpgVShttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/LouisFigoManico.jpg: http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/BamBamJohansson.jpg

Sergei Kalashnov vs. Louis Figo Manico: Special Guest Enforcer Bam Bam Johansson

Manico quickly recovers his wits, using a clever takedown that sends Johansson sailing under the second rope and out of the ring. Without the aid of his partner, the high flying Kalashnov finds himself completely outclassed by Manico who manages to keep his wings clipped and firmly on the ground with his uniquely awesome technical style. Time and time again, though, Johansson manages to climb back into the ring and help Sergei out with volleys of stiff forearms and shoulderblocks, letting Kalashnov hit his high risk moves. With Manico finally taking a serious beating, Johansson goes for the Spinebuster as Kalashnov turns to the crowd to laugh… but Manico slips out, and Johansson turns around into a boot to the gut… and the Madrid Maul! A confused looking Sergei Kalashnov turns around… boot to the gut… Madrid Maul! Louis Figo Manico goes for the pin, and Johansson is in no condition to break it up this time! Manico wins!

Louis Figo Manico defeated Sergei Kalashnov in 14:22 by pinfall with a Madrid Maul. During the match we also had Bam Bam Johansson run in and attack Louis Figo Manico.

B-

Overall Rating: B-

OOC: Feedback would be awesome. I'd like to know what people like and also what they do NOT like. EWA, much like Louis Figo Manico, is for the people... and because it's fun to do.

Ping von Erich · May 28, 2009

Comradebot.. I'm on my knees here.

Please upload this masterpiece of a game save somewhere.. anywhere.. for fans of this diary to download and fart with.

I beg you sir.

Comradebot · May 28, 2009

Comradebot.. I'm on my knees here.

Please upload this masterpiece of a game save somewhere.. anywhere.. for fans of this diary to download and fart with.

I beg you sir.

Hmmm... I very well might do that.

BUT only after the PPV, which I just held in the game. Spoiler alert: It is both the highest graded EWA event ever, and has the highest rated match ever... though you'll never guess which one.

Oh, and a shocking twist ending!

Comradebot · May 28, 2009

Oh, and I've toyed with the idea of turning the game into a database... though that sounds like a long and painful thing to do.

But, you know, if people wanted to dare use UEW to try and strike back at the now massively larger EWA. It's really a shame there's no way to drive them out of business...

Phantom Stranger · May 29, 2009

I just burst out laughing at the Big Bad.

That is surely the greatest achievement in diary history.

Comradebot · June 5, 2009

<div style="text-align:center;">http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/EWA9.png</div> <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="22574" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div> Quick Picks: Nina the Psycho Ballerina vs. Anna Ki©: EWA Female title Hercules Johansson vs. Adam Matravers©: EWA European title Marat Khoklov vs. Joss Thompson Soviet Union vs. The Force©: EWA Tag Team titles Spiros The Mighty vs. El Brisa Louis Figo Manico vs. Bam Bam Johansson©: EWA Universal title, Last Man Standing Match </div></blockquote>

Phantom Stranger · June 5, 2009

Nina the Psycho Ballerina vs. Anna Ki©: EWA Female title

Hercules Johansson vs. Adam Matravers©: EWA European title

Marat Khoklov vs. Joss Thompson

Soviet Union vs. The Force©: EWA Tag Team titles

Spiros The Mighty vs. El Brisa

Louis Figo Manico vs. Bam Bam Johansson©: EWA Universal title, Last Man Standing Match

Marcel Fromage · June 5, 2009

Nina the Psycho Ballerina vs. Anna Ki©: EWA Female title

Hercules Johansson vs. Adam Matravers©: EWA European title

Marat Khoklov vs. Joss Thompson

Soviet Union vs. The Force©: EWA Tag Team titles

Spiros The Mighty vs. El Brisa

Louis Figo Manico vs. Bam Bam Johansson©: EWA Universal title, Last Man Standing Match

Regis · June 5, 2009

Nina the Psycho Ballerina vs. Anna Ki©: EWA Female title

Does anyone care?

Hercules Johansson vs. Adam Matravers©: EWA European title

Hercules has Alpha in his blood!

Marat Khoklov vs. Joss Thompson

Nobody defeats the Russian Monster!

Soviet Union vs. The Force©: EWA Tag Team titles

The Dark Side is the easy path to power, but the Light Side gives the true rewards.

Spiros The Mighty vs. El Brisa

El Brisa is far too flippity-floppity.

Louis Figo Manico vs. Bam Bam Johansson©: EWA Universal title, Last Man Standing Match

It's a Last Man Standing match - nobody ever wins those!

Hyde Hill · June 5, 2009

Nina the Psycho Ballerina vs. Anna Ki©: EWA Female title

Hercules Johansson vs. Adam Matravers©: EWA European title

Marat Khoklov vs. Joss Thompson

Soviet Union vs. The Force©: EWA Tag Team titles

Spiros The Mighty vs. El Brisa

Louis Figo Manico vs. Bam Bam Johansson©: EWA Universal title, Last Man Standing Match

GruntMark · June 6, 2009

Nina the Psycho Ballerina vs. Anna Ki©: EWA Female title

Anna Ki doesnt lose so soon without build up.

Hercules Johansson vs. Adam Matravers©: EWA European title

Plays into a later pick...

Marat Khoklov vs. Joss Thompson

Joss who? <img alt="" data-src="//content.invisioncic.com/g322608/emoticons/tongue.png.ceb643b2956793497cef30b0e944be28.png" src="<___base_url___>/applications/core/interface/js/spacer.png" />

Not time yet for another Soviet Union run I think...

Spiros The Mighty vs. El Brisa

Still a strong contender and has more character than El Brisa

Its either this or another rematch next month.

FINisher · June 6, 2009

Marat Khoklov vs. Joss Thompson

Spiros The Mighty vs. El Brisa

benjacko · June 6, 2009

Marat Khoklov vs. Joss Thompson

Spiros The Mighty vs. El Brisa

Comradebot · June 18, 2009

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA.jpg

EWA The Great War 2010

November 2010 Week 4

From Catt Stadium in front of 7342 fans and LIVE on PPV by V-Corp!

Dark Show:

Cyber-Beast vs. Devastation United

Devastation United defeated Cyber-Beast in 5:10 when Puffy The Sand Iron Player defeated Clinton Washington by pinfall with an Under Par.

D+

Double Dutch vs. Jeffery McPeterson & Leigh Burton

Double Dutch defeated Jeffery McPeterson and Leigh Burton in 4:35 when Frank De Pain defeated Jeffery McPeterson by pinfall with an Orange Wave.

D-

Manico teaches Double Dutch how to cut a promo.

B+

Main Show:

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http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/Nina.jpgVShttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/AnnaKi.jpg

Obviously, the highlight of this match was Anna Ki’s hat, and Nina in her “evil but slutty” ballerina outfit. A solid, if unspectacular, match with Anna Ki easily controlling Nina on the ground, preventing her faster opponent from utilizing her speedy brawling style of offense. A Ki-D-T later and the first match of EWA The Great War 2010 was over.

Anna Ki defeated Nina The Psycho Ballerina in 6:06 by pinfall with a Ki-D-T. Anna Ki makes defence number 3 of her EWA Female title.

D+

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http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/HerculesJohansson.jpgVShttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/AdamMatravers.jpg

So it’s a feud that EWA only had enough room to fit one or two segments of into a show. Doesn’t change the fact the fans were looking forward to this one. Matravers shot towards Johansson before Hercules could even get fully into the ring, raining down strikes… to which Johansson responded by casually pushing him to the other side of the ring with one of his beefy arms. Matravers quickly discovered that trying to stand up to or grapple with Hercules would constantly result in a similar conclusion (or one with Hercules hitting an even more painful power move), and soon began springboarding off of the ropes ever chance he got, soon getting the big man off balance! Even this seemed to not be enough, as an attempt at a hurricanrana resulted in Hercules powerbombing the fecal matter out of Adam Matravers! In desperation, Matravers waited for Hercules to go for the pin… and blasted him in the face with the brass knuckles! Matravers crawls over for the pin…

1…

2…

NO!!! Hercules tosses him off with AUTHORITY! Matravers screams at the referee about his “slow count”, and then climbs the turnbuckle, preparing for the Mile High Moonsault! He comes off… but Johansson got to his feet in time, catching Matravers on his shoulder out of mid air! He flips him around and… there it is, the Hercules Lift! The Hercules Lift is locked in, and Matravers has no choice but to tap out! Hercules Johansson wins the EWA European title, and once again proves that being really, really, really, ridiculously big is far better than having actual in-ring talent!

Hercules Johansson defeated Adam Matravers in 11:52 by submission with a Hercules Lift. Hercules Johansson wins the EWA European title.

C

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/JedHigh.jpghttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/TobyJuanKanobi.jpg

Blindfolded, Jed High swings his plastic lightsaber at an aluminum ball “hovering” (as in you can clearly see the string holding it up) around the room, typically missing by a truly astonishing distance. After a few moments of cheesy lightsaber sounds and someone playing a kazoo to simulate the sound of “hovering”, Toby Juan Kanobi enters. Jed “senses” his presence via the loud sound of the door shutting, and turns to face his master.

Jed High: Master, the power of the Dark Side has grown truly blinding. Difficult it has become to reach out and feel with the Force. I fear… something is coming in the future.

Toby Juan Kanobi: Ah, but it is difficult to see the future, is it not? Even the most powerful of our kind have struggled to see what is beyond that veil. It is always shifting, different from one action than it was with the other. However, tonight I sense… things will be in favor of the light.

Jed High: But Master Kanobi, Darth Khoklov’s power grows even stronger than before! Combined with his fellow Red Sith, their wicked power may consume us all!

Toby Juan Kanobi: Relax, apprentice. Focus yourself on facing Darth Bad and Darth Kiriyakin. Do not concern yourself with their master.

Jed High: But master-

Toby Juan Kanobi: I said do not concern yourself with Darth Khoklov, Jed. Do you understand?

Jed High: I… I think I know what you’re saying, Master Kanobi.

Quietly, Toby Juan begins to meditate as Jed High returns to his blind swinging of the plastic lightsaber at the aluminum ball.

C-

As Jed High continues flailing at the “hovering” ball, the screen zooms out…and it’s on TV! The entire time, the Soviet Union has been carefully watching The Force in their locker room! Well Boris and The Big Bad are, though Marat Khoklov is busying himself with staring at the giant painting of Lenin, stroking his similarly styled beard.

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/BorisKiriyakin.jpghttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/MaratKhoklov.jpghttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/TheBigBad.jpg

Marat Khoklov: So it comes to this, Comrades. By Lenin’s beard, Soviet Union must now falter against little Hollywood capitalist! Motherland is strongest, and must prove to disbelieving world tonight, yes?

Boris Kiriyakin: Do not worry, Comrade Khoklov, for Communism give Mother Russia and her Red Sons power to crush capitalists! Capitalism like steroid of economy, giving falsely inflated strength that is quickly popped like the non-Red balloons they are.

The Big Bad: NINETY-NINE LUFTBALLOOOOOOONS!!!!

Boris Kiriyakin: No, Big Bad, capitalist pigs may be balloons, but not red. Meanwhile, great Communists are red, but are stronger than flimsy balloon! We are red Soviet rocket, slaughtering balloons foolish enough to enter our domain! As great Khrushchev say, we will bury them, Comrades. We shall bury them so they may no longer float above the ground they do not even deserve to stand upon.

The Big Bad: KHRUSHCHEEEEEV!!!!

Marat Khoklov: Khoklov like to hear confidence from his Comrades, but Khoklov also say that Soviet Union MUST show force tonight, yes? There shall be no Stalin for mercy against these disgusting Hollywood pig-men. Go tonight, Comrades, and leave the people of the world with nothing but the bloody Marx of the The Force upon the ground to serve as reminder to those who dare challenge Soviet Union and-

The Big Bad: REINDEEEEER!!!

Marat Khoklov: ... Comrade Kiriyakin, did Khoklov just hear Big Bad mention reindeer?

Boris Kiriyakin: Well… yes. But think about it, Khoklov! Reindeer great animals of working class! On this month they, along with great fat man dressed in red fly around world giving equal amount of toys to all the children! Indeed those majestic animals show greater intelligence than so called people in the West!

Marat Khoklov: Very well then. Lenin, grant Soviet Union and… and reindeer… strength of twelve bears to CRUSH capitalism tonight, and to crush it forever, starting with bones of little Hollywood men under out might!

For a few awkward seconds, the Soviet Union stare at the picture of Lenin.

Boris Kiriyakin: Maybe… maybe we are supposed to pray to great Lenin for him to officially grant us the strength of twelve be-

LENIN (in a similar form to last year’s arm wrestling contest): IT IS DONE!!!

Marat Khoklov: Thank you, Ghost of Lenin! And now Comrades, Khoklov shall lead through action! Khoklov shall search for, and destroy, first American Khoklov sees!

Marat Khoklov prepares to leave the room, but a casual pat on the shoulder from Boris Kiriyakin saves him some trouble… on the television, Joss Thompson is in the ring firing shirts off into the crowd.

B-

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/MaratKhoklov.jpgVShttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/JossThompson.jpg

Marat Khoklov vs. Joss Thompson

Thompson is instantly thrown off his feet, as the sheer force of Marat Khoklov sprinting to the ring causes him to lose his balance. He scrambled up, only to have his teeth be greeted by Khoklov’s gargantuan boot. The redder than red blood pumping through Khoklov’s veins aided him greatly, as Thompson’s attempts to brawl or grapple with the Russian Giant resulted in no physical harm upon Khoklov, but a great deal for his opponent when Marat unloaded with ultra stiff, heavy strikes and bone shattering slams. Joss Thompson never stood a chance, and was left limp on the ground for an easy pin following a more vicious than usual Moscow Lariat.

Marat Khoklov defeated Joss Thompson in 5:38 by pinfall with a Moscow Lariat.

B-

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/MaratKhoklov.jpg

Picking up the Soviet flag he left at ringside, Khoklov raises it high above his head (and despite standing outside the ring, still high above the broken body of America’s Joss Thompson who remains unmoving in the ring). He once again sprints (or however fast the big man can get moving!), allowing the flag to flow beautifully behind him. Khoklov exits the arena, but…

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/SergeiKalashnov.jpg

Sergei Kalashnov: Whoa, slow down there, my Eastern European brotha!

Marat Khoklov: Excuse Khoklov?

Sergei Kalashnov: You know me, that real “G” straight outta Belarus!

Marat Khoklov: Oh yes, “Fresh Prince”, after television program about rich capitalist in California, the ultimate display of American failure.

Sergei Kalashnov: Oh, don’t be hatin! I’m just playing both sides, ya dig? Let the people from the West think I’m one of them, but you know my heart and soul belong to the Iron Curtain! Belarus be part of that gang too!

Marat Khoklov: Well… “technically”…

Sergei Kalashnov: Alright then, brotha, so how about you give Comrade Kalashnov a moment of your time for some life changing advice.

Marat Khoklov: As long as you give Khoklov equal time in future.

Sergei Kalashnov: Alright, Comrade brotha, listen to this. Now, as a fellow Eastern European, I sometimes get this… itch.

Marat Khoklov: Then Khoklov say scratch itch, or rub non-itch powder on it!

Sergei Kalashnov: Nah man, it ain’t that kinda itch… it’s more like… well, my Uncle Filipovic used to call it “yankee fever”. It’s where, you know… you got a craving for a woman of the capitalist persuasion.

Marat Khoklov: Yes… yes Khoklov has heard of this “yankee fever”.

Sergei Kalashnov: And then I’m sure you’ve heard the only cure is to take one part Soviet and one part American, mix, and repeat at least three times over 24 hours.

Marat Khoklov: Khoklov is aware of such cure, yes?

Sergei Kalashnov: Well, I’m a doctor of love, and it’s my expert opinion that you’ve got a meeeeaaan case of Yankee fever. Now, this little miss Geena *cue Geena The Warrior Princess walking up next to Kalashnov*? She done told me she’s got herself a case of a similar condition, known as Red fever, or as Siberian Strep. Now, it’s my doctor’s orders that you too quarantine yalls selves immediately until ya’ve done cured each other.

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/Geena.jpg

Kalashnov motions towards a nearby closest, leaving Geena with Khoklov.

Marat Khoklov: HAH, little Capitalist woman, now Khoklov show you why they call it “Eastern Block”!

Khoklov leads the way to the closet, entering it… but Geena slams the door behind him, quickly propping a chair up against the knob!

Marat Khoklov: WHAT?! WHAT CAPITALIST TRICKERY IS THIS?! RAAAAAWWWRRR!!!

One of Marat’s heavy fist slams straight through the door, sending chunks of wood flying in its wake! Khoklov keeps pounding away…but in comes Sergei Kalashnov on a forklift! Sergei backs it against the door, leaving Khoklov helpless to move the massive piece of equipment out of his way! With a high five, Geena and Sergei leave Khoklov trapped, screaming as he continues to try and smash down the barricade.

B+

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/EWA_Tag.jpg

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/BorisKiriyakin.jpghttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/TheBigBad.jpgVShttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/JedHigh.jpghttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/TobyJuanKanobi.jpg

The Soviet Union seemed confused to the absence of their leader at ringside, allowing The Force to spring into action early on with Jed High flying off the top to hit The Big Bad with a missile dropkick. A couple of takings of evasive action followed by springboard attacks left The Big Bad completely off balance and Jed High taking control over the larger adversary. Jed ducked a right hand, tagging in Toby Juan Kanobi in the process, and The Big Bad fully unaware! A dropkick to the back of his knee from Jed combined a flying cross body from Toby off the top and the big man went down, Toby Juan going for the cover!

1…

2…

The Big Bad pitches Toby off with authority! The Big Bad gets halfway up before Toby is back on him, but that’s all he needs to launch a series of vicious fists into Toby, dazing him long enough to crush Kanobi with a stiff BODYSLAM! The Big Bad took full momentum, dominating Toby with ring shaking power moves. A tag to Boris, and he too took it to Toby, using his slow, powerful fist to pound away on Kanobi! Eventually Kiriyakin sent Toby Juan into the turnbuckle, lifting him on top of it for some unknown purpose… but Kanobi fires back with a single kick to the face, turning Kiriyakin around… and Toby Juan off the turnbuckle for a flying Kanobi Cutter out of nowhere! He doesn’t have the strength to turn Kiriyakin over, and both men start crawling to their corners…

Toby gets to Jed first, and Jed explodes on The Big Bad as he comes into the ring with a leaping leg lariat, and a variety of other kick based strikes! Enraged, the Big Bad charges… and slams himself chest first into a turnbuckle previously exposed by Boris Kiriyakin! The Big Bad crumples to the ground, stunned… and Jed High climbs the turnbuckle, coming back down the with Sky High!!! Boris is still down from that Kanobi Cutter!!!

1…

2…

3!!!

The Force defeated Soviet Union in 11:37 when Jed High defeated The Big Bad by pinfall with a Sky High. The Force make defence number 4 of their EWA Tag Team titles.

C+

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/LouisFigoManico.jpg

With a huge pop, the Euro-tron reveals Louis Figo Manico, microphone in hand, standing in front of a big EWA symbol in a hallway backstage. Manico waits a few seconds for the audience to quiet down.

Louis Figo Manico: Ladies, gentlemen, and children all across Europe… tonight is not about gimmicks. It is not about flashy lights, or who can climb a ladder the fastest, or even about who can trick the other man into keeping his shoulders down for three seconds before he can scurry away, proclaiming himself victorious. Tonight is about two men entering the ring you see before you, knowing that only they or the man staring at them from across the ring shall be capable of leaving that ring in the same manner of which they arrived. A last man standing match is very much what the name implies, but ultimately it is the only real solution to the dilemma facing Bam Bam Johansson and myself. I must advise the parents of young children watching tonight that they will see a very different Louis… Figo… MANICO!!! What I do every other night is for you, the fans. I sacrifice my body and fight with honor to not only demonstrate how a true man should fight, but to entertain! To hear the masses of people, chanting the name of “The Pain From Spain”! There is no greater joy to me, nor should there be for any man of my profession.

But tonight… tonight Europe, Manico sadly does not do so simply to hear the cries of the fans. He does not fight to show men in the audience who someday wish to be in EWA how to fight like I do. Tonight is about two men: Bam Bam Johansson and Louis… Figo… Manico… and how only one of them shall emerge from what will likely be the most brutal match of my career. It is about how these two men must finally prove to each other which is the truly superior man, if only for this night. Like a wild, sloppy schoolyard fight that the school’s staff neglects to end prematurely, the winner will be whichever man can walk away. And that man shall walk away with more than the pride of victory and the knowledge that he bested his opponent on fair grounds… but he will walk away with the EWA Universal title! And, as a special gift for the fans, that man shall be Louis… Figo… MANICO!!!

A*

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/SpirostheMighty.jpgVShttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/ElBrisa.jpg

Spiros The Mighty vs. El Brisa

Well, here it is folks: The best match in EWA history, ever. No, seriously. It was so awesome by our standards (yet I cared so little about it as more than booking filler) than words cannot begin to describe how truly amazing this match was. From what my mind can comprehend, Spiros spent much of it lifting and tossing El Brisa around, the physical might of his gods fueling him along the way. El Brisa’s gods, however, granted him amazing speed and technique, using Spiros’s own momentum to take him down and launch a variety of highly athletic lucha libre style moves. Eventually Spiros attempted a Powerbomb… which was countered into a hurricanrana by El Brisa, sending him flopping to the mat! El Brisa shot up the turnbuckle in one smooth motion, coming off with the Siesta Bomb (the second of the night on Spiros!), and managing to somehow pin the deadly powerhouse!

El Brisa defeated Spiros the Mighty in 13:49 by pinfall with a Siesta Bomb.

A

A bicep, flexing.

Veins, rising from its flesh like the maw of Hell itself, reaching out to grasp the damned and drag them screaming into its infernal pit.

Sweat, lustrous and dripping away from the magnificent form.

The pecs twitch next, as a strangle liquid flows across their utter perfection.

The bullshark testosterone mixes with the sweat, and pours into the veins. Bam Bam Johansson is ready. He was born ready. Ready was invented from the prediction of his creation.

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/BamBamJohansson.jpg

Bam Bam Johansson: I’m so jacked tonight, bro, I’M FREAKIN’ JACKED, YEAHH!!!! The best man?! I am THE man! All men compared to The Alpha Norwegian might as well be ugly women, or atleast only moderately attractive girls! I can feel it in me, baby, the FIRE!!! THE FIRE OF THE DRAGON!!! YEAH, THE DRAGON BABY, I’VE GOTTA UNLEASH THE DRAGON!!!! But the dragon doesn’t burn me baby, I fire resist that crap and I totally burn him instead, except he’s inside of me! UNTIL I UNLEASH HIM BABY, YEAH!!!!

Johansson leaps onto a nearby pipe hanging from the ceiling, proceeding to do a series of rapid fire chin-ups!

Bam Bam Johansson: This pipe is full of burning hot steam, and that’s TOTALLY hotter than dragonfire, I mean TOTALLY!!! But I don’t care!!! The pain man, the pain can’t do anything to overcome the ALPHANESS!!! I’m PURE ALPHA!!! I was BORN like this!!! The day I was born I benched press out of my mom two months early and I already weighed twenty pounds!!! Every fine female nurse in that place was like “Holy crap, that kid is GENETICALLY DIFFERENT?! When does he turn 18!” But I didn’t wait until I was 18, and it wasn’t one of those nurses who was already all old and filled with cellulite!! I’m just that ALPHA baby, YEAH!!! And Manico thinks he can stop me from standing?! Bro, I can stand in my SLEEP!!! I’ll be dead, like, a million years from now and I’ll STILL be walking around all like, zombie mode and be flexing and stuff!!! I’m like the Terminator, only more badass!!! Can’t stop me, bro, you CAN’T STOP ME!!! BOOM!! YEAH!!!

As jacked and pumped as a human being could possibly be (assuming they have the right genetics, of course) Johansson bursts out the door, on his way to tonight’s match!

A

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/EWA_Universal.jpg

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/LouisFigoManico.jpgVShttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/BamBamJohansson.jpg

After Manico makes his usual pop heavy, fanfare Spanish guitar filled entrance, he awaits Johansson… who soon emerges to the sounds of electric guitar, SKIING on a pair of motorcycles as he flexes both arms up high and above his head!!! It’s truly the most impressive sight ever, and if you didn’t see it you might as well kill yourself now.

With both me in the ring, they square off, looking for an opening in the other. Manico dives in; looking to grapple, but Johansson pitches him backwards! Manico attempts again, but with similar results. Johansson comes in, looking to let his big strikes fly… but Manico ducks underneath, managing to snag Johansson’s legs and pull him to the mat! Manico goes to work, trying to wear the big man down with a long progression of painful holds, but he just can’t stop Johansson from powering his way to his feet! And immediately Johansson connects with that huge Spinebuster, leaving Manico in agonizing pain! The referee starts the count as Johansson starts to flex!

1…

2…

3…

4…

5…

6…

7…

And Manico stumbles to his feet with the aid of the ropes. Johansson goes to work, assaulting Louis with a volley of stiff strikes and a few tosses. He leaves Manico leaning against the ropes, slamming him chest with big overhand shots. Johansson charges ahead… but Manico counters with a belly to belly suplex that sends Johansson all the way out of the ring! Thanks to raw adrenaline, Bam Bam gets to his feet quickly… but takes a baseball slide from Manico as he too exits the ring! Wildly, both me get to their feet and start brawling all around the ring! A duck from Manico sends Johansson’s right hand sailing right into the ring post, causing the big man to visibly wince in pain, and give LFM the opportunity to lock him in a sleeper at ringside! Johansson starts to fade… but fires off an elbow in desperation, catching Manico under the ribs, freeing Bam Bam up to hit a huge clothesline that sends LFM tumbling over the barrier and into the audience! With Manico down, Johansson reaches under the ring… and retrieves a table, which he promptly sets up at ringside! He reaches over to grab Manico… but Louis fires back with a European Uppercut! Manico secures one of Johansson’s arms as he comes back over the barrier, twisting in a very painful fashion… and then using it to hit a single arm DDT outside the ring! The referee counts as Johansson lies motionless on the mat, while Manico rolls back into the ring.

1…

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And Johansson pulls himself up! An attempt from Bam Bam to climb into the ring under the top rope proves disastrous, as Manico uses his knee to hurt Johansson with a wicked facebuster, followed by a snap suplex into the ring (which required damn near all the strength in Manico’s body). Grabbing each of the Norwegian’s arms, Manico then plants his knee into Johansson back and wrenches the arms backwards into a seated surfboard like maneuver! Johansson suffers through, knowing he can’t lose the match by submission… and with a burst of power, sends Manico sailing over his head! Manico scrambles to his feet, but is dropped by the infamous knockout forearm shot of Johansson, crumbling the Spaniard to the mat! The referee starts to count… but Johansson interrupts it, lifting Manico up for the Spinebuster, and it connects! The referee counts again!

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Johansson is celebrating, thinking he’s won, but the referee signals that Manico got up JUST in time, somehow! Johansson turns around right into a boot to the gut from Manico, and there it is, the Madrid Maul!!! But Johansson starts flexing on the ground, refusing to stay put! Quickly, both me rise and Johansson charges the shocked Manico, trying to shoulder tackle him through the ropes but instead Manico catches himself on the ropes. He reaches down, hooking Johansson arm’s once again, and hits a second Madrid Maul!

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NO!!! Johansson back to his feet! They face off once again, both throwing tired strikes and a few smalls grappling maneuvers, but both men seem completely beaten down. Manico goes for another arm ringer, but Johansson counters with a MASSIVE irish whip that sends LFM brutally into the corner! Johansson follows up with a bonecrunching shoulderblock in the corner, and then points upward, signaling his next act of lifting Manico up onto the top turnbuckle! He does so, climbing up with him and preparing to hit a Spinebuster to the outside! He finds it a struggle, Manico grabbling back against The Alpha Norwegian, both men soon firing rights at each other on the top rope! And Manico with a European Uppercut… and Johansson can’t keep his balance, and goes off the top rope and straight through the still set up table at ringside!!!! And Manico falls as well, lacking the energy to stay up top! The referee starts the count for both men!

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10!!!

MANICO GOT UP!!! MANICO GOT UP AND THE REFEREE SIGNALS!!! Immediately Louis Figo Manico collapses to his knees at ringside, unable to hold himself up, as the referee goes out to not only raise his hand, but award him with the EWA Universal title!!!

Louis Figo Manico defeated Bam Bam Johansson in 13:38 when Bam Bam Johansson could not beat a ten count. Louis Figo Manico wins the EWA Universal title.

B

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/LouisFigoManico.jpghttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/BamBamJohansson.jpg

Gingerly, Louis Figo Manico climbs back into the ring as Bam Bam Johansson is just now returning to his feet with a look of total shock on his face. Slowly, Manico goes from turnbuckle to turnbuckle, raising the Universal title over his head with both hands for the crowd to see, Johansson staring at him at ringside the whole time. Finally, Manico limps into the center of the ring, signaling for a microphone.

Louis Figo Manico: Ladies, gentlemen, children… Your new EWA Universal champion… Louis… Figo… MANI-

AND THE LIGHTS GO OFF!!! People scream in terror and confusion, with no clue to what’s going on! A loud crash emanates from inside the ring, but the pitch black lighting prevents anyone from seeing what happened! The lights go on, and…

Not only is there no sign of Bam Bam Johansson, but Louis Figo Manico is out cold and busted open in the middle of the ring! Manico is down! What happened?! WHAT HAPPENED?!?

A*

Overall Rating: B+

OOC: Well, there it is! The second PPV in this version of the diary done! Didn't like it as much as the first I did, but hey... I'm just now out of a funk I've been in and capable of writing. Can't expect the best of myself, and it's still a damn good show. Also I'm not making TERRIBLE time considering the amount of episodes I pumped out earlier... definetely want to get into the full swing with this. Something BIG is coming in March, and I want to let the world (or the couple dozen or so people who read this diary) to enjoy its true glory. Stay tuned, more to come in the EWA soon!

Nedew · June 19, 2009

Hercules Johansson wins the EWA European title, and once again proves that being really, really, really, ridiculously big is far better than having actual in-ring talent!

That alone just sums up the awesomeness that is this diary!

Another great show, i'm gladly a member of your dozen

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EWA: Why People Almost Care About Wrestling In Europe, But Hate Themselves For It

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