EWA: Why People Almost Care About Wrestling In Europe, But Hate Themselves For It

Hyde Hill · June 19, 2009

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couldn't resist.

Comradebot · June 19, 2009

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couldn't resist.

So much better than the English version.

I've noticed that in the 1980s there were a number of hit songs over here that were sung in German, but in no other decade really...

I guess Germany (and Austria, I'm looking at you Falco!) was just "in" then.

Holy crap, I just realized the 100th reply to this diary was a video of 99 Luft-balloons. Thank you Hyde.

Hyde Hill · June 19, 2009

Actually it was number 101 wich is also apropriate (Big Brother anyone?) don't know if this band made it to america but in the 90's some german bands did break through again if ya don't know these songs enjoy.

Nedew · June 19, 2009

Since when did an EWA diary become MTV Germany?

Comradebot · June 19, 2009

Since when did an EWA diary become MTV Germany?

What are you talking about?

Falco is Austrian!

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Hyde Hill · June 19, 2009

Oh and of course don't forget about Rammstein

And come on Jeany and Rock Me Amedeus are so much better by Falco.

Comradebot · June 25, 2009

Just a quick update, I've been working on the upcoming storylines and taking a new approach to that process. Rather than write each storyline seperately from one another and then try and squeeze them all onto the show, I'm gonna try and write them at once and insure that everything has the room required.

That, and a couple of other experiments in storyline structure that I'm working with...

So never fear two dozen people who follow the glory of EWA, for I have not abandoned it (again). I'll die before I don't make it to March's PPV. Not to spoil anything, but it will be truly glorious if all goes according to plan, as will the buildup to it. Indeed, it shall be the defining moment of EWA history, unlike those lame EWA Olympics that yall thankfully did not have to endure.

Comradebot · June 29, 2009

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/EWA10.png

Quick Picks:
Spiros the Mighty vs. Sergei Kalashnov
Cyber-Beast vs. The Force©: EWA Tag Team titles
Danny Patterson vs. Hercules Johansson©: EWA European title
Bam Bam Johansson vs. Byron
Boris Kiriyakin vs. Louis Figo Manico©: EWA Universal title

Told yall I hadn't abandoned EWA!

FINisher · June 29, 2009

Quick Picks:

Spiros the Mighty vs. Sergei Kalashnov

Cyber-Beast vs. The Force©: EWA Tag Team titles

Danny Patterson vs. Hercules Johansson©: EWA European title

Bam Bam Johansson vs. Byron

Boris Kiriyakin vs. Louis Figo Manico©: EWA Universal title

Regis · June 29, 2009

Quick Picks:

Spiros the Mighty vs. Sergei Kalashnov

Watch out, Fresh Prince! He's got an owl!

Cyber-Beast vs. The Force©: EWA Tag Team titles

Cyber-Beast don't even have proper gimmicks!

Danny Patterson vs. Hercules Johansson©: EWA European title

Hercules has Genetic Alpha!

Bam Bam Johansson vs. Byron

He is genetically different, after all.

Boris Kiriyakin vs. Louis Figo Manico©: EWA Universal title

None shall stand against Louis.

FIGO...

MANICOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Phantom Stranger · June 29, 2009

Spiros the Mighty vs. Sergei Kalashnov

Cyber-Beast vs. The Force©: EWA Tag Team titles

Danny Patterson vs. Hercules Johansson©: EWA European title

Bam Bam Johansson vs. Byron

Boris Kiriyakin vs. Louis Figo Manico©: EWA Universal title

I suspect Khoklov to be involved, however.

Hyde Hill · June 29, 2009

Spiros the Mighty vs. Sergei Kalashnov

Cyber-Beast vs. The Force©: EWA Tag Team titles

Danny Patterson vs. Hercules Johansson©: EWA European title

Bam Bam Johansson vs. Byron

Boris Kiriyakin vs. Louis Figo Manico©:

Jman2k3 · June 30, 2009

Spiros the Mighty vs. Sergei Kalashnov

Cyber-Beast vs. The Force©: EWA Tag Team titles

Danny Patterson vs. Hercules Johansson©: EWA European title

Bam Bam Johansson vs. Byron

Boris Kiriyakin vs. Louis Figo Manico©:

Comradebot · June 30, 2009

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWAAlpha.jpg

EWA ALPHA!

January 2011 Week 1

From Bayern Stadion in front of 2000 fans and TAPED for Euro Cable Sports 1!

Dark Show:

Donna Marino vs. Jeri Behr

Jeri Behr defeated Donna Marino in 5:41 by pinfall.

D

Devastation United vs. Haiti Voodude & Hugh de Aske

Devastation United defeated Haiti Voodude and Hugh de Aske in 5:32 when Poppa Punisher defeated Hugh de Aske by pinfall with a Punishing Bomb.

D

Main Show:

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/SpirostheMighty.jpgVShttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/SergeiKalashnov.jpg

Spiros the Mighty vs. Sergei Kalashnov

Fresh off being one half the greatest match in EWA history, Spiros decided that tonight neither him or his opponent really had to sell. Or pay attention to the scripting of the match. Indeed, the match was a no-selling, sloppy mess saved only by the sight of the Greek powerhouse tossing Kalashnov around the ring with relative ease. With the might of the Gods flowing through him, Spiros become a nigh-immovable object, and Sergei found all of his offense completely and utterly useless. A Spartanplex later, and Spiros is the first person to win a (televised) match in 2011.

Spiros the Mighty defeated Sergei Kalashnov in 9:57 by pinfall with a Spartanplex.

C

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/HerculesJohansson.jpghttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/Geena.jpg

Hands in his pockets (though noticeably shirtless), Hercules Johansson leans against a wall backstage with a concerned look on his face. From a nearby flight of stairs, Geena the Warrior Princess emerges and moves to console the clearly distraught Norwegian.

Geena: Hercules, where have you and Bam Bam been? Both of you missed the autograph signing/extreme laser tag event last night!

Hercules Johansson: I try to stop him…

Geena: Hey… where is Bam Bam?

Hercules Johansson: But my brother, he start screaming. Thought it was bull shark testosterone. It do that to him. But brother was not drinking bull shark testosterone…

Geena: Herc, tell me, WHERE is Bam Bam?

Hercules Johansson finally looks up at Geena in a manner that a normal man would reveal tears… but not the second most Alpha man in the EWA! Before he can respond, the other Johansson lackey strolls into view.

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/SergeiKalashnov.jpg

Sergei Kalashnov: Why the long faces, aces!?

Geena: You’re pretty cheery for a guy who just got beat by a lunatic.

Sergei Kalashnov: Pssssh, girl that was like a LIFETIME AGO!

Geena: It was three minutes ago.

Sergei Kalashnov: Whatever! Anyways, you guy’s seen Bam Bam? That punk was supposed to have my back during extreme laser tag last night! And you know what done happened? I kept getting shot by these little 10 year old French kid, and ended up getting stuck in the Hell Penguin Pit.

Geena: Actually, Sergei, that’s what I’m wondering. Hercules, please tell me you know where your brother is.

Hercules Johansson: Brother left in rush, though I beg him not to. He grab bottle and go… right… right over there.

Hercules points out in front of him, heralding the appearance of Bam Bam Johansson as he… stumbles… into view.

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/BamBamJohansson2.jpg

Bam Bam Johansson: What are yall *hic* lookin’ at… Woooooo I’m alpha….

Bam Bam’s “flex” is instead just a sloppy effort to get the bottle clutched in his hands to reach his lips.

Hercules Johansson: Brother, where have you been!

Bam Bam Johansson: Oh, you know… *hic*… Picking up fine ladiesh… Bull shhharksh… Tony Danza…. YEAH!!!

Bam Bam tries to fire up the guns for a double BU-BAM of flexing, however…

Bam Bam Johansson: Going… down…

In his drunken stupor, Bam Bam starts collapsing forward. Hercules manages to pull Geena out of the way of the collapsing Norwegian. Unfortunately, Sergei isn’t so lucky. Bam Bam collides with the significantly smaller Belarusian, sending Sergei backwards and tumbling down the staircase! Geena and Hercules can only watch in horror as he makes his way down, painful step by painful step, finally coming to a rest with a loud cracking noise.

Random Guy Downstairs: OH MY GOD!!! THERE’S SO MUCH BLOOD!!!

After a brief moment of shock, Geena and Hercules sprint down the stairs, leaving Bam Bam face down and snoring on the floor.

C+

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http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/ClintonWashington.jpghttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/BeastBantom.jpgVShttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/TobyJuanKanobi.jpghttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/JedHigh.jpg

Cyber-Beast vs. The Force©: EWA Tag Team titles

C’mon, does anyone REALLY not know how this one was gonna turn out? If the Soviet Union’s massive size isn’t enough to stop The Force, then what chance does Beast Bantom and his diminutive (in comparison) partner have? None. The Force were never in any danger of losing the belts, with Toby Juan Kanobi finishing Clinton Washington with the Kanobi Kutter.

The Force defeated Cyber-Beast in 6:15 when Toby Juan Kanobi defeated Clinton Washington by pinfall with a Kanobi Kutter. The Force make defence number 5 of their EWA Tag Team titles.

D+

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With the easy victory in hand, The Force take some time to celebrate and play to the crowd, who still have the memory of their big win over the Soviet Union fresh in their heads. The celebration is short lived, as soon the most evil and menacing music in the EWA begins to play… and they emerge: Double Dutch.

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/RuudVanAnger.jpghttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/FrankDePain.jpg

The Force watch the Dutch duo warily as they make their way into the ring, soon facing off with the current EWA Tag Team champions.

Ruud Van Anger: What, no hello for Double Dutch? How rude!

Toby Juan Kanobi: Of all the scum and villainy in the EWA… what do two want?

Frank De Pain: Well, if it isn’t too much of a… PAIN *he pauses to laugh at his own terrible pun*… we would like to congratulate the two of you on defeating big scary Russian men.

Jed High: Careful master, I sense a disturbance in the Force.

Toby Juan Kanobi: Hard to say, young padawan. Double Dutch themselves leave a dark ripple in it wherever they go.

Ruud Van Anger: Leave? We love nothing anywhere, right Frank?

Frank De Pain: Well, there was that ONE thing…

Ruud Van Anger: Wait, wait, wait… doesn’t seem like we “left” something as much as we just forgot to say something…

While Double Dutch discuss what they left or forgot, a large figure jumps the railing! He slides into the ring, and DROPS THE FORCE WITH A DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE AS THEY TURN AROUND!!!

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/ScottVanDenBerg.jpg

Frank De Pain: C’mon Ruud, think!

Ruud Van Anger: Maybe it was… somebody?

The conversation casually continues as the massive man brutally stomps both members of The Force! Finally, RVA looks up at the man destroying The Force.

Ruud Van Anger: Oh, NOW I remember! The Force, I would like to introduce you to our new best friend. The Force, Scott Van Den Berg. Scott Van Den Berg, The Force! And to think I almost forgot to introduce you to each other, how RUUD of me!

With Jed and Toby sufficiently stomped into the ground, Van Den Berg relinquishes his assault, going across the ring to join and shake hands with his fellow Dutchmen. They survey the damage, laughing maniacally at the sight of the fallen Force!!!

C

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/EWA_European.jpg

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/DannyPatterson.jpgVShttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/HerculesJohansson.jpg

Danny Patterson vs. Hercules Johansson©: EWA European title

Wait, what? Hercules Johansson? Check. Danny Patterson? Check. Awesome match due to a pair of over sized, muscle-bound badasses slugging it out? No check. Neither man appeared to be on his game tonight, with a noticeable lack of passion behind their power moves and generic strikes. Using his tremendous strength, Hercules Johansson did manage to get Patterson onto his shoulders to lock in the Hercules Lift.

Hercules Johansson defeated Danny Patterson in 8:04 by submission with a Hercules Lift. Hercules Johansson makes defence number 1 of his EWA European title.

D- (A high D- at that, since the crowd mood did NOT go down!)

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/BamBamJohansson2.jpgVShttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/Byron.jpg

Bam Bam Johansson vs. Byron

Byron patiently waited for Bam Bam to stumble down to the ring, and the match was underway. Clearly, Johansson’s current state of mind was a huge factor as the big man missed countless opportunities to destroy Byron. Instead, the beautiful Brit managed to practically toy with the “Alpha Norwegian”, as Bam Bam’s slow reaction times resulted in many of his moves being countered and his inability to do the same. Bam Bam went for his trademark killer forearm shot, however it was practically telegraphed and Byron had ample time to duck the shot, which since Bam Bam’s forearm careening into the turnbuckle. Bam Bam shrieked in pain, and turned around right into an Upper Class from Byron, who managed to get the three count off of it.

Byron defeated Bam Bam Johansson in 9:32 by pinfall with an Upper Class.

C+

Backstage goes the show, into one of the many poorly lit hallways of Bayern Stadion!

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With a pop from the crowd, Louis Figo Manico bursts out of one of the doors in his wrestling gear, EWA Universal title in hand! Manico turns a corner heading straight to the arena… and never seeing the shadowy figure making his way into Manico’s locker room! The cameraman quietly makes his way over, just in time to see the shadowy figure taking a spray paint can to the wall of Manico’s room! He attempts to get closer, but the black masked figure manages to spot him in time, blasting the camera lens with black spray paint, preventing any further surveillance of the event happening in the locker room of Louis Figo Manico

B+

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http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/BorisKiriyakin.jpgVShttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/LouisFigoManico.jpg

Boris Kiriyakin vs. Louis Figo Manico©: EWA Universal title

What happens when the single most talented man on the roster faces the EWA Universal champion? An awesome match, that’s what! Manico had to pull out every trick in his book to fend off the slow, plodding, awe-inspiring style of Boris Kiriyakin, who used his raw power to overwhelm Manico’s grappling abilities. After countless efforts were met with either no or limited success, Manico finally managed to contain the big Commie on the mat long enough to wear him down. With Boris’s leg hobbled thanks to the tenacious efforts of Manico, his ability to lift the Spaniard was severely hampered. With a boot to the gut and the hooking of the arms, Manico hit his larger opponent with the Madrid Maul to complete his first title defense as the new Universal champion.

Louis Figo Manico defeated Boris Kiriyakin in 12:04 by pinfall with a Madrid Maul. Louis Figo Manico makes defence number 1 of his EWA Universal title.

B-

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/LouisFigoManico.jpg

Immediately, Louis Figo Manico signals for a microphone (and sadly cutting off his awesome Spanish guitar music!).

Louis Figo Manico: Ladies, gentlemen, and children… last week I… Louis… Figo… MANICO defeated Bam Bam Johansson in honorable combat to not only win the EWA Universal championship for my second time, but to also prove that on that night I was the better man. Hours before I faced Johansson at The Great War, I decided that should I be victorious that night that the next I should shake the hand of Bam Bam Johansson. While that night I may have been the better man, Johansson has proven to me that on some nights it is not always the case. Indeed, Johansson fought with honor, like a real man, and not the bull shark testosterone swilling genetic aberration and affront to the Lord that he has been in the past. As my thoughts continued, I realized that even if Johansson were to be victorious at The Great War that I would invite him out here to shake his hand.

Clearly, Bam Bam Johansson did not share view. Clearly, simply knowing who the better man was not enough for him! Like a filthy rat, he waited until the cover of shadow to ambush me! I know it was you, Johansson! Come out here and face me, prove that you can be more than the yellow coward who waited for the lights to go out to attack me after the match!

A screech of electric guitar!

The lack of the rumble of a motorcycle engine…

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/BamBamJohansson2.jpg

And Bam Bam Johansson tripping over his own feet as he stumbles half-asleep down to the ring. After failing to climb the steps in the ring twice, Johansson discovers that the third time is indeed the charm… entering the ring face first as he trips over the second rope. Manico waits for Johansson to climb back to his feet and dust himself off.

Louis Figo Manico: Why did you do it, Johansson? What use is a cowardly attack upon the man who had already proven in front of all of Europe that on the night in question he was the superior man?

Bam Bam Johansson: Woah… calm down *hic* bro………… YEAH!!! What are you talking *hic* are you talking *hic* ALPHA about?

Louis Figo Manico: You know very well what I am talking about! Explain yourself! Why did you do what you did after our match?

Bam Bam Johansson: Well, bro, I… TOTALLY… shaw thish bottle. And it wash, like,… BRO… TOTALLY drink me! So… you know… YEAH!!!

Louis Figo Manico: Keep your vices at home, Johansson. Neither bring them, or complain about them here in front of the people. Now, the attack: why did you do it?

Bam Bam Johansson: A… attack? We fought bro… there were, like… crazy NINJA FLIPSH… and… EXHTREME SHTUFF… but… I thought you shaid we *hic* did it ash brosh, bro? Then… then I… *hic* lost? I… I lost my title, bro… the *hic* most Alpha of all BLING baby, YYEEEeeaaahh…

Louis Figo Manico: And then, when the lights went out, you attacked me like a coward, si?

Bam Bam Johansson: My title, bro… I… bro… I… went backstage and… bottle.

Louis Figo Manico: YOU attacked me, Bam Bam. I mean, it was you, was it not?

Bam Bam Johansson: And old man… beat me. But I’m Alpha baby… yeah?

Louis Figo Manico: Oh mi Dios… it wasn’t you.

With a thud, the microphone drops out of Manico’s hand as he stares at the fractured man known as “The Alpha Norwegian” Bam Bam Johansson, who is practically muttering to himself as he stares longingly at the EWA Universal title.

A

Overall Rating: B-

Comradebot · July 1, 2009

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/ScottVanDenBerg.jpg

Scott Van Den Berg Has Joined European Wrestling All-Stars!

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/EWA11.png

Quick Picks:
White Knight vs. Scott Van Den Berg
Bam Bam Johansson vs. Puffy The Sand Iron Player
Eddie Cornell vs. Hercules Johansson©: EWA European title
Byron vs. Adam Matravers
??? vs. Louis Figo Manico

FINisher · July 1, 2009

White Knight vs. Scott Van Den Berg

Bam Bam Johansson vs. Puffy The Sand Iron Player

Eddie Cornell vs. Hercules Johansson©: EWA European title

Byron vs. Adam Matravers

??? vs. Louis Figo Manico

Hyde Hill · July 1, 2009

White Knight vs. Scott Van Den Berg

Bam Bam Johansson vs. Puffy The Sand Iron Player

Eddie Cornell vs. Hercules Johansson©: EWA European title

Byron vs. Adam Matravers

??? vs. Louis Figo Manico

Whoohoo go dutch!

. The celebration is short lived, as soon the most evil and menacing music in the EWA begins to play… and they emerge: Double Dutch.

Could it be this? btw that is my RL brother playing the prince and the queen lolz

Comradebot · July 1, 2009

Figured you'd be happy to see Scott Van Den Berg finally get a contract with EWA.

Also, that music and the accompanying video was... special.

It was evil and menacing, atleast in the sense that it scared me.

Hyde Hill · July 1, 2009

Yep that is the true face of evil my friend not Ozzy, not Manson but that guy hehe. The funniest thing is my brothers acting is the best part of the whole vid he is way better then the rest who where profesionals he was just an friend of a friend of the guy who made the video and looks a little bit like the prince. Then their queen didn't show up so he did the drag part too lolz. And no I am not making this stuff up!

Regis · July 1, 2009

Quick Picks:

White Knight vs. Scott Van Den Berg

Alas, the Muscle Cruncher guy is a total jobber.

Bam Bam Johansson vs. Puffy The Sand Iron Player

Okay, Byron maybe, but Puffy? Seriously? Come on!

Eddie Cornell vs. Hercules Johansson©: EWA European title

Nuh-uh, Eddie. You might end up getting good.

Byron vs. Adam Matravers

On a roll, boss!

??? vs. Louis Figo Manico

Because nobody beats Louis.

FIGO...

MANICOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Jman2k3 · July 1, 2009

White Knight vs. Scott Van Den Berg

Bam Bam Johansson vs. Puffy The Sand Iron Player

Eddie Cornell vs. Hercules Johansson©: EWA European title

Byron vs. Adam Matravers

??? vs. Louis Figo Manico

praguepride · July 9, 2009

Had a slow mafia day so was able to read this entire diary in one sitting

ISN'T THAT TOTALLY ALPHA!

Anyway, just want to say this is hands down the funniest piece of work I've ever read on these forums. It was legen...wait for it...wait for it...

DARY!

Hope you pick it up again as this diary is comedy gold!

White Knight vs. Scott Van Den Berg

SVDB (sounds like a venereal disease...) beats up on the White Knight super jobber

Bam Bam Johansson vs. Puffy The Sand Iron Player

Another match to show how far down Bam Bam has fallen

Eddie Cornell vs. Hercules Johansson©: EWA European title

No build up now, but I hope Eddie makes it in the end. he's got a long way to catch up to his brother...

Byron vs. Adam Matravers

Adam starts moving up the roster as he recovers from losing his title

??? vs. Louis Figo Manico

I believe Louis...Figo......

wait for it...

MANICO!!!!!!!! wins it all, but I bet he's surprised by whatever happens

Comradebot · July 9, 2009

It's far from dead, praguepride... I've just been stuck trying to figure out a few of the segments in a show that's far longer than I'd like to write for a TV show, to be honest. But hey, like Rocky sometimes I gotta do what I gotta do. Anywhoo...

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWAAlpha.jpg

EWA ALPHA!

January 2011 Week 2

From Bayern Stadion in front of 2000 fans and TAPED for Euro Cable Sports 1!

Dark Show:

Mystery Segment #1

B-

Mystery Segment #2

E+

Main Show:

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/LawrenceYoung.jpg

Lawrence Young: Come in…

Through the (now duct taped together) door of the commissioner’s office, Louis Figo Manico enters the room, only to face the back of Young’s chair, who is currently facing the wall.

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/LouisFigoManico.jpg

Louis Figo Manico: Commissioner Young, I’d like to di-

Lawrence Young: Wait!

With a certain degree of theatrics, Lawrence Young spins in his chair to face Manico.

Lawrence Young: Ahhhh, Mr. Manico. What brings you to the commissioner’s office today?

Louis Figo Manico: Commissioner Young, I’d like to discuss the matter of this “mystery” man who attacked me at The Great War.

Lawrence Young: A mystery you say? If treachery is afoot, then by all means the office of the EWA Commissioner is interested in hearing what you have to say.

Louis Figo Manico: Well as you know, my main man, I was the victim of a heinous and unprovoked attack following my victory over Bam Bam Johansson. Under the cover of shadow, as cowards frequently do, no less! At first I thought it was simply Johansson throwing some form of bull shark testosterone induced tantrum in response to his defeat, but recent evidence suggests that this is not the case! The prime suspect in my attack is, without a doubt, an innocent man.

Lawrence Young: Ah, a 23:13… post-match attack with intent to hide identity. Sounds like we’re dealing with a real sick puppy here, Manico… and the vet is out of town. And the thing with puppies is, they tend to travel in packs. If I were you, I’d talk to the most filthy, diseased ridden dog in the cesspool like underbelly of EWA and see if he squeals, see? Go to this address *Young quickly scribbles on a piece of paper before dramatically sliding it across his desk to Manico* and ask for the man in charge. If anyone knows anything, it’ll be him.

Manico takes the note, and immediately a worried look crosses his face as he reads the contents within.

Louis Figo Manico: Thank you, Mr. Commissioner. I, Louis… Figo… MANICO shall go there at once!

An attempt to turn and leave is quickly interrupted by Lawrence Young.

Lawrence Young: One last thing! Be careful in there, sport. Those men are not to be trusted. They’d just as soon punch a kitten as look at ya.

With a nod of understanding, Louis Figo Manico exists the Commissioner’s office with haste.

B-

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/WhiteKnight.jpgVShttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/ScottVanDenBerg.jpg

White Knight vs. Scott Van Den Berg

Bah gaw, a pair of hosses going at it! And not in the sexy way… or is it? A very slow paced, old school match starting off with some brawling and ending with both workers looking to finish the other off with big power moves. Scott Van Den Berg managed to connect with his patented Powerbomb Pin combination (ingenious, I know!) to put away EWA’s jobber extraordinaire. Not my fault the guy’s charisma capped out at D.

Scott Van Den Berg defeated White Knight in 6:14 by pinfall with a Powerbomb Pin.

D

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/ScottVanDenBerg.jpghttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/RuudVanAnger.jpghttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/FrankDePain.jpg

With Van Den Berg remaining in the ring, the other two Dutchmen in EWA quickly slide in to join him. Like his fellow chubby guys in the 50s, Van Den Berg sucks his gut upwards into his chest in an effort to make it look like muscle while Double Dutch receive microphones from ringside.

Ruud Van Anger: Greetings to the backwards masses who watch the equally backwards EWA! As you all know, I am Ruud Van Anger, and when I bring… De Pain *pause for another pun related laugh!* … with me, we form the team of Double Dutch. But now, are evil family grows! Two we once were, but no we are three! So Frank and I discussed, and agreed, that Triple Dutch was not a name which accurately described the three of us together.

Frank De Pain: After all, we are the most wiiiiild new group in the EWA!

Ruud Van Anger: And we are from THE Hague!

Frank De Pain: Which the ignorant masses sometimes pronounce as “hog”!

Ruud Van Anger: And we both love the Tim Allen with his Home Improvement while respecting him for his systematic destruction of humor!

Frank De Pain: So, the three of us together are…

Double Dutch: WILD HAGUES!!!

With Van Den Berg “flexing” his flab, Double Dutch bounce around briefly, clearly amused with their own “clever” name for the new stable.

Ruud Van Anger: And where Double Dutch failed alone, Wild Hagues will succeed! While some of you may consider it RUUD to say, EWA is flawed!

Frank De Pain: Oh yes, very flawed!

Ruud Van Anger: It, and its slow, untalented, oversized freaks cannot be allowed to exist in its current form. The future of European wrestling does not rest in your “Bam Bam Johanssons” and “Marat Khoklovs”, but it rests in people like, well, US!!! Soon, the alliance of Wild Hagues will lead to a new era in the tag division. From there, the rest of EWA, Europe, and the world! Bow, peasants, before the might of your normal-sized, high flying lords and masters!

The Wild Hagues raise their arms in victory, as if the chorus of boos being directed their way were some form of bizarre cheer. And with a loud, flapping noise, Scott Van Den Berg finally exhales, releasing a small wave of blubber back towards his gut.

C-

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/LouisFigoManico.jpg

A light flickers in the twisted, maze-like hallways of the arena. Amongst the madness is Louis Figo Manico, making his to a destination unknown. Finally, he reaches a great scarlet door. After only a moment of hesitation, Manico knocks… and the door swings open on its own. He steps in, barely able to see anything amongst the thick shadows coating the room.

Louis Figo Manico: Hello? Is anyone where?

Only a low, rumbling laughter responds…

Voice: Ha…hahahaha…

Louis Figo Manico: I, Louis… Figo… MANICO have heard you may be in possession of information I require.

Voice: Ah, Louis Figo Manico, the “hero of the people”, come here to beg for help, yes?

Louis Figo Manico: Ha! Louis Figo Manico begs to no man! I have come here to make a fair agreement between two gentlemen. I was attacked a little over a week ago, and I still do not know the face of the man who committed this act of cowardice. From what I understand, you are the most likely person to know who it is.

Voice: Yes… this information you speak of, perhaps a deal we could work out for it, yes?

Louis Figo Manico: Enough with the mind games! Stop hiding and show yourself, so we may discuss this matter face to face.

Voice: Very well…

With a pair of loud, earthshaking thuds, a truly massive figure morphs out of the shadows directly behind Louis Figo Manico. Calmly, Manico turns around to face Marat Khoklov.

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/MaratKhoklov.jpg

Marat Khoklov: So tell me, what can little capitalist offer Khoklov and Soviet Union? Information worth much these days, yes?

Louis Figo Manico: The EWA Universal title. Not as a gift, of course, but a shot at it at the next PPV.

Marat Khoklov: BAH, Khoklov not want title shot gifted to him! Khoklov prove he is worthy champion by CRUSHING little men like you!

Other Voice: LIIIIKE YYOOOOOOUUUUU!!!!

Marat Khoklov: However… Khoklov believe that capitalist politics still capable of keeping so called “unconventional interviewers” down in EWA, and not give fair and equal chance to allies of Motherland. How about, instead of Khoklov, you face… The Big Bad!!!

On cue, The Big Bad morphs out of the shadows in an identical fashion to Khoklov!

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/TheBigBad.jpg

The Big Bad: THE BIIIIIG BAAAAAAAD!!!!

Marat Khoklov: Khoklov thinks you face Big Bad for title not at PPV, but tonight. If Manico beat Big Bad then… then Khoklov shall give him information he seeks.

Louis Figo Manico: It is a deal, Marat, so long as you are willing to hold up your end of the bargain when I defeat your lackey.

The Big Bad: LLLAAAAACCKKEEEEYY?!

Marat Khoklov: Little capitalist pig, whatever could lead you to think Khoklov not man of his word? It be disgrace to ghost of Lenin to go back on deal!

Manico offers out a handshake to Khoklov, who accepts in a manner that leaves Louis wincing in noticeable pain thanks to Marat’s freakish grip. Cautiously, Manico backs out of the room, never taking his eyes off the pair of massive Russians staring him down.

B

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/Puffy.jpgVShttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/BamBamJohansson2.jpg

Puffy The Sand Iron Player vs. Bam Bam Johansson

Barely able to walk without tripping on his own feet, it looked like Bam Bam Johansson wasn’t going to be able to offer much in the ways of offense. For the most part, that is how the match went, with Puffy practically toying with the now enfeebled Bam Bam Johansson. Unfortunately, this was his downfall. A wild, drunken fist from Johansson was easily ducked by Puffy, but unfortunately the avid golfer didn’t notice the same fist wildly ricochet off the ropes and right into the side of his skull. First Puffy collapsed, and then Bam Bam passed out, managing to somehow land directly on top of him for what can only be considered a miracle win.

Bam Bam Johansson defeated Puffy The Sand Iron Player in 6:07 by pinfall with a lucky, wild, drunken punch.

C-

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/MarkStanford.jpghttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/PhoebePlumridge.jpg

Phoebe Plumridge: Well, maybe that muscle-bound hunk is finally off the sauce!

Mark Stanford: Which would only mean he’s back on the juice, Phoebe.

Phoebe Plumridge: But that ricochet punch?! A most brilliant flash of ingenuity.

Mark Stanford: More like a flash of luck. Johansson’s done for, finished… in fact, I’ve just received word that even his closest of friends have started to distance themselves from it, and EWA has the footage to prove it! I must warn viewers at home: the following may be harmful to your intellect and viewer discretion is advised.

The Euro-tron flickers to life once more…

Sterile white walls and floors are only broken from their uniform well, whiteness, by two large masses slowly lumbering under the fluorescent lighting. The slightly larger of the two masses collides with wheelchair left unattended at the side of the hall, only to be caught by the other. With bloodshot eyes, Bam Bam Johansson stares furiously at the offending wheelchair.

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/BamBamJohansson2.jpghttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/HerculesJohansson.jpg

Bam Bam Johansson: *Hic* Hhhey, I’m watchin’ you, wheelchair. I’m…. YEAH… watching… Yoooouuuuu…

Hercules Johansson: Brother, you promised me you would not drink before coming to hospital.

Bam Bam Johansson: Phfff, I don’ follow no rulesh… I’m ALPHA baby, I’m the AAAALLLLpppphhaaaa norwwwwweeeegia *hic*aaaaannn… Hey… hey hey hey hey…

Hercules Johansson: Yes, brother.

Bam Bam Johansson: Whysh… whysh Sergei partying in a hoshptial anywaysh? There’s nothing… AALLLPhhaaa about disheashe...

Hercules Johansson: He’s not here to party, and neither are we.

Bam Bam Johansson: Well HELL BRO… YEEEEAaaahh… then why are we *hic* are we * hic* why are we here?

Hercules Johansson: Because you’re the reason he’s IN the hospital.

Bam Bam Johansson: I AM?! Well hell, let’sh go vi**** him then!

Hercules Johansson simply shakes his head, followed by a sigh of relief as they enter a recovering room housing an apparently bed-ridden Sergei Kalashnov. With a smile, Kalashnov attempts to greet the Brothers Johansson.

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/SergeiKalashnov.jpg

Sergei Kalashnov: Balls in yo jaws.

Hercules Johansson: Pardon me, bro?

Sergei Kalashnov: Balls…

Hercules Johansson: I am following.

Sergei Kalashnov: … in yo jaws?

Voice from behind: What the HELL are you doing in here?!

The Brothers Johansson turn around, only to catch a glimpse of Geena the Warrior Princess as she bursts into the room between them.

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/Geena.jpg

Geena: Come to finish the job Bam Bam?

Bam Bam Johansson: Bro, I… I have a JOB for you YOU, YEAAAAAAhhhh!!!!!

Bam Bam throws up an arm to celebrate his “cleverness” causing him to lose his balance and nearly fall backwards to the ground.

Hercules Johansson: We are just here to check on Sergei, Geena, to see that his is still the Alpha!

Geena: Alpha? ALPHA?! Look at him! All he does is lay there and, and…

Sergei Kalashnov: Balls in yo jaws!!!

Geena: And scream out that same phrase over and over again! The doctor’s say he may never recover from that kind of head trauma. And you know why?

Bam Bam Johansson: Y? Y ish waaaaayyy off *hic* from ALPHA!!!

Geena: Because of you, Bam Bam!!! Because you couldn’t man up an accept that you lost to Manico! You’re not “Alpha”, you’re just some angry man with bull shark testosterone who can’t accept he isn’t a god, and everyone around him be damned.

Hercules Johansson: Geena, please.

Geena: No Herc, no. Your brother has done enough damage, and I won’t stand around and let him do more. Get him out of here.

NOW!!!

Sorrowfully, Hercules turns away from Geena, grabbing Bam Bam by the arm.

Hercules Johansson: Come brother. We shall be the Alpha somewhere else today.

The Brothers Johansson exit, Geena tearing up as she watches Hercules help Bam Bam down the hall. In the back of the room, Sergei waves goodbye.

Sergei Kalashnov: Balls in yo jaws!

C+

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/TobyJuanKanobi.jpghttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/JedHigh.jpg

And back in the present, following a commercial break advertising some psychotic Dutch dance music album, we find ourselves in the inner sanctum of… The Force!!!

Jed High: I assume you sensed it as well, master.

Toby Juan Kanobi: I did, apprentice. These Wild Hagues, there is a great, dark power emanating from their very being. I cannot see what they have planned, but it clearly starts with the EWA Tag Team titles which currently reside under our protection.

Jed High: Tell me Master Kanobi, what is your plan?

Toby Juan Kanobi: At the moment, Jed High, I cannot say with certain which path is correct for us. What I do know is that the dark men from the Netherlands, which I suspect is some form of hell-like world, much like the Nether-realm of Mortal Kombat fiction, cannot be allowed to spread their vile taint to these titles. There power is meant for good, and only for good. In the wrong hands…

Jed High: In the wrong hands they could be used to create a great disturbance in The Force.

Toby Juan Kanobi: Let us meditate, apprentice, so that the Force may guide us to a solution this Dutch dilemma.

C+

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/EWA_European.jpg

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/EddieCornell.jpgVShttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/HerculesJohansson.jpg

Clearly, Hercules is Alpha enough to prevent his current personal problems from affecting his in-ring performance, as he easily dealt with the significantly smaller Eddie Cornell. Cornell’s skill did little to counteract Hercules’s overwhelming power, eventually being forced onto the Norwegian’s shoulders where he quickly submitted to the Hercules Lift.

Hercules Johansson defeated Eddie Cornell in 9:39 by submission with a Hercules Lift. Hercules Johansson makes defence number 2 of his EWA European title.

C-

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/AdamMatravers.jpgVShttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/Byron.jpg

Adam Matravers vs. Byron

An intense, spectacular match as these two frequently put on against each other. Adam Matravers attempted to add a few cheating tactics to his usual array of flying and fast paced chain wrestling, but there wasn’t a move in his arsenal capable of countering Byron’s top secret weapon: the fact he didn’t think losing to Adam Matravers was very “creative”. Instead of getting a win that would’ve propelled him up the card, Matravers felt the Upper Class and was pinned for three.

Byron defeated Adam Matravers in 10:02 by pinfall with an Upper Class.

B-

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/EWA_Universal.jpg

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/TheBigBad.jpghttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/LouisFigoManico.jpg

Seriously, who here picked The Big Bad as a potential mystery opponent? C’mon, you know you didn’t predict it…

Basically, what you’d expect in this match. The Big Bad took an early advantage, overwhelming Manico with is raw power and sending the Spaniard crashing to the mat with some devastating looking moves. Of course, Manico (arguably the greatest ring general in European wrestling history) managed to adjust his strategy accordingly and used the Super Heavyweight’s size and momentum against him. Once the big man was down on the mat, Manico took full control and kept it until the end of the match, finishing The Big Bad off with a strained Madrid Maul.

Louis Figo Manico defeated The Big Bad in 11:43 by pinfall with a Madrid Maul.

C+

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/LouisFigoManico.jpghttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/MaratKhoklov.jpghttp://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d12/JodoKastTRL/EWA/TheBigBad.jpg

With The Big Bad defeated (what a shocker), Manico quickly motions both for a microphone and for Marat Khoklov to step into the ring. Though obviously not too pleased with the outcome, Khoklov easily steps over the top rope and goes face to face with Manico.

The Big Bad: BIG BAD IN PAAAAAAAIIIIIN!!!

Marat Khoklov: Well done, little capitalist. Khoklov must admit, he is impressed with ability to beat son of Motherland without resorting to western trickery.

Louis Figo Manico: I am flattered by your comments, my main man, but I have done my part in our little wager. Now it is your turn to live up to your end of the agreement. Prove yourself a man of honor by telling me who here in the EWA is not.

Marat Khoklov: Very well, Khoklov is man of his word, yes? You see, after capitalist harlot trick Khoklov into closet for… for mop, Khoklov manage to break hole through door with fists capable of lifting mighty Soviet warhead! With cries for assistance ignored by distrustful westerners, all Khoklov could do for hour was watch through hole he make in door, yes? After lights go off and then come back on, Khoklov saw him fleeing! Khoklov only see one man fleeing, so he must be attacker, yes?

Louis Figo Manico: Please, Khoklov, tell me who this… this half-man yellow coward is! Tell me who would dare attack I… Louis… Figo… MANICO from the cover of the shadows!

Marat Khoklov: It was him! It was-

AND THE LIGHTS GO OUT AGAIN!!!! THE ENTIRE EWA ARENA GOES PITCH BLACK!!!

The Big Bad: VIN DIESEEEEELLL!!!!!

Seconds later, the lights turn back on revealing a very alert Louis Figo Manico scanning the arena for any sign of the attacker. Meanwhile, a bewildered Marat Khoklov and Big Bad are both hastily backpedaling towards the exit.

Louis Figo Manico: My main man, where are you going?! We had a deal, no?

Marat Khoklov: HAH! I see through gold tinted lies of yours now, capitalist pig! Like the other fat cats, you attempt to trick Khoklov, try to separate might of superior Soviet Union under cloak of darkness!

Louis Figo Manico: There is no deception from my part, Khoklov! I simply wish to know the name of the man responsible for my attack, so that I may teach him the proper means to confront a man with violence and set a proper example to the people watching here and at home across Europe!

Marat Khoklov: No, Khoklov say deal is off! Khoklov will NOT risk safety of Soviet Union in Western affairs! Better to let themselves destroy each other while Communism continues to thrive, yes?

With a few loud, rumbling footsteps Marat Khoklov and The Big Bad retreat out of the arena, leaving a frustrated Louis Figo Manico standing alone in the ring.

A*

Overall Rating: C+

Phantom Stranger · July 9, 2009

The Big Bad is actually the thing I enjoy most about this diary.

I'm as confused as you.

Comradebot · July 9, 2009

The Big Bad is actually the thing I enjoy most about this diary.

I'm as confused as you.

I'm trying to figure out if that's an insult or a compliment.

Though I do love the randomness of The Big Bad.... and to think of what the future holds for him. Seriously, I almost want to find an excuse to get the title on him someday.

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EWA: Why People Almost Care About Wrestling In Europe, But Hate Themselves For It

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