DIW: Worlds Apart

Occasional_Z · March 10, 2014

The concept of alternative realities has baffled scientists, mathematicians and pro wrestling dynasty writers for years.

Wikipedia describes alternative realities as 'a hypothetical or fictional self-contained separate reality coexisting with one's own.'

Big Smack Scott describes alternative realities as 'A BUNCHA NERDY CRAP FOR F**KIN' VIRGINS!!!'

Either way, despite having us having no evidence, we can conclude that it is a scientific fact that alternative realities exist.

http://i1062.photobucket.com/albums/t495/Occasional_Z/DIW/DIW_zps4dfadcb5.jpg

Case in point - the Australian wrestling promotion DIW is known for it's alternate variations of reality. All steming from a job application...

Occasional_Z · March 10, 2014

Thursday Week 3 December 2012 Somewhere in Australia... <div style="text-align:center;">http://i1062.photobucket.com/albums/t495/Occasional_Z/DIW/SheikAliAl-Avatar_zps68338aab.jpghttp://i1062.photobucket.com/albums/t495/Occasional_Z/DIW/TheComedian_zps41a4bcb7.jpg</div> Sheikh Ali arrives at DIW, on the back of his trusty camel. He ties the camel to the bike rack, then walks to the Comedian's office and knocks on the door twice. "Who's there?" "Sheikh" "Sheikh who?" "Sheikh Ali" "Don't get it." Sheikh Ali enters the office. "Tinny?" And with this insignificant question, we see one reality split into two. <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="37722" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div>Universe 1: "No thanks, Sheik Ali, great Iranian wrestler, friend of great rulers, champion knot tier, doesn't drink" "Fine. I'll save it for breakfast." </div></blockquote> <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="37722" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div>Universe 2: "Born in 1972. Son of great wrestler. Olympic champion at age of nine. Iranian Prime Minster came to my school- (beer tin hits Sheik in the side of the head) OWWW!!!" "Don't spill it."</div></blockquote> This minor event over, the realities rejoin; "Sit." Long pause "DIW." Long pause "Welcome" Long pause "K, rack off" "Sheik begs your pardon?" "I'll be in touch." Long pause. "Goals. Tomorrow." Sheikh gets up to leave and stops at the door. "Bye" Sheikh leaves...climbing upon his camel, he feels that something odd happened today...

Occasional_Z · March 10, 2014

OOC

So what is this nonsense? Well, me and Jongredic (a long time partner in crime) got talking TEW13,as he purchased the game recently. We wanted to set up a two player game, but we both wanted to go as DIW.

Rather than add a similar promotion to the game and set up a two player, we hit on the idea of both of us playing the game as DIW and comparing our progress. So these are the 'alternative realities' - Jongredic is 'crazy, hit in head with beer can' Sheik, I am 'unconcussed but still crazy' Sheik.

We figured this would be a bit of fun - a competition of sorts to see who can get the best grades, best attendences and perhaps most importantly, who can keep DIW in business for the longest.

Without any further ado...

Occasional_Z · March 10, 2014

<div style="text-align:center;">DIW Facepuncher - Monday Week 1 January 2013</div>

Pre Show

Menace to Soberity beat Sheik Ali Al-Avata in a weapons match (E-) Just wanted to give the Sheik a match and Menace a win. Menace was off his game cos he's a bad pisshead. I popped the Sheik on commentary as well, get him over (well for Pinn's match and the tag match. Don't want to ruin the main event!)

Vaughn beat Milton Hittlespitz in a hardcore match (E) Meh. Give popular person win over average guy.

Main Show

Pinn taunts Comedian (D) Build some heat for our big feud. Fat man talk good.

Apocalypse hype match vs Barracudas (E) Warmonger can talk. Hatemonger can't. Opponents aren't over. Rule 1 of booking - only let talented people talk and make sure it's about wrestlers who people give a shit about.

Apocalypse beat Barracudas in a weapons match to defend the tag titles (D-) A better match than I expected.

Angus McMiller promo on The Comedian (D-) See earlier point about talented people talking about popular people. Good promo for the evil taxman, and better than I'd hoped for. He's a member of Pinn's gang, so he's a good candiate to talk shit about The Comedian.

Dumfrey Pinn defeated Mayhem Mulhoney in a hardcore match to retain the DIW Title (E+) Sh**e. I tried to overbook it to hide the fact that Pinn sucks, interferrence from McMiller and Dobberley to set up the win. Pinn complained about the hardcore match, so he's in normal matches from now on. Short, normal matches...he's a hopeless fat mess with no stamina.

Comedian taunts Pinn (C-) Our best segment was a 5 min interview with a monosyllabic man? #wesuckass

Comedian defeated Tomstone in a hardcore match (D) Decent match, went 16 mins, with Comedian getting tired after 16mins...might have knocked it down a bit.

Comedian attacked 3 on 1 post match (E) Get Pinn industries to kick the shit out of their enemy.

Mayhem Mulhoney saves the day (E) Saves a bit of face for Mayhem plus sets up a match next month.

Overall - D

Conclusion - So yeah....could have done a little better. Basically with TEW, the main event is like 70% of the rating. That's the main thing. Semi main event is like 20%? (The numbers are wrong but the proportions are kinda right) So I booked a strong main and the rest felt into place. Only lost £1,724 (with an attendance of 126! We suck...)

Only problem is the loss of Warmonger. Originally, this save was just a mess around, to help Jongredic with the game - I wasn't too fussed to see Warmonger stroll to APW. Now I got to play it, I need to replace one half of the tag team champions and rebuild my tag team division.

Don't worry, I have a plan...

Iceisle · March 10, 2014

YES. Amazing concept for a dynasty, and a great promotion to choose for it. You had me at 'DIW'.

Tiberious · March 11, 2014

I've always had a soft spot for Australia in the C-verse, and alternate realities in general. That plus DIW and crazy Sheikhs is a winning combination if I've ever seen it.

mistaken · March 11, 2014

love crazy shieks, I personally delt with one for a year

<div style="text-align:right;">-misktaken</div>

jongredic · March 12, 2014

Universe 2

Tuesday, Week 1, January 2014

Sheikh Ali parks his camel in front of the fire doors and goes to The Comedian's office. He knocks twice...

"Who's there?"

"Sheikh"

"Sheikh who?"

"Sheikh Ali..."

"Seriously. Mate. Delivery - terrible."

Sheikh Ali enters the office, ready to dive at any moment in case of another airborne beer attack. There's a long pause while The Comedian carefully chooses his next words...

"What?"

"Goals?"

"Goals!" [long pause] "Sit!" [long pause] Goals..."

"Goals."

"Mate, no. NEVER INTERRUPT ME!" [long pause] "Goals. Fall below small? Debt? Not even."

"I und-"

"PURO, TECHNICAL, CRIMINALS - don't hire. You hire, I'm after you." [long pause] "K, mate. Rack off."

The Sheikh isn't quite sure what just happened, but gets the message and leaves. First thing he does is gathers all the staff together for a meeting in the lounge area.

"Khhhello. I am Sheikh Ali. I bookhhh. I learn English on plane here. Any questions? No? Good. One, some of you - kkkhhow you say - OBESE and old. Shows now 90 minutes."

Two, some of you expeeeeensive, eh? This no good. Dean Hawkins, Mayhem Mulhoney - stand"

They stand, looking a bit confused. There's an awkward moment of silence, then the Sheikh flips a table and rips shirt off in one swift movement.

"YOU'RE FIRED! GET OOOOOUUUUT!"

They scurry off. There's a stunned silence as everyone waits for what the Sheikh says next.

"Lori? Up!" Lori stands, looking a bit fearful. The Sheikh says nothing for a full two minutes, but just stares right at her. Mmmmm. Gyu... Lakhhhha... G... Kkkhhhow say name?"

"Gyula Lakatos, sir. I am Hungary!"

"It's 'I from Hungary'! I can't afford translator. You're fired also." He dismisses him with a wave of his hand while keeping his gaze fixed on Lori "Okay, good meeting"

With that, the Sheikh takes one last look at Lori, making everyone uncomfortable, and leaves. Everyone sits in silence as the sound of camel hooves clip-clop into the distance...

____________________</div>

<div style="text-align:center;">DIW Faceful Of Fist - Friday Week 3, January 2014</div>

Menace beaten down backstage by Hired Guns (E) Could've been worse. Might've been a mistake trying to set something up with an obvious alcoholic though.

Mace Mueller defeats Sheikh Ali (F) Less said about this, the better

The Hired Guns challenge the Barracudas for the DIW Tag Team title (E) I have a feeling using both the Hired Guns in angles was a mistake

The Barracudas defeat the Hired Guns to retain DIW Tag Team title (D-) The Barracudas make 11th defence of the title. Looks like the Hired Guns fight better than they talk. Neither team seemed to mind getting bashed around in a light tube match.

God of War defeats Milton Hittlespitz (E) So not the best at fighting, but they have great chemistry together.

Overconfident Pinn interview (D) The one thing I think Occasional_Z and I both spotted - build up the feud and the "fat man talks good".

Vaughn defeats Tombstone (E) I thought I'd try and give the whole Barracudas stable a victory. Maybe not a good idea doing that against Tombstone.

Diesel Dan and Big Rig unite (E+) If there was a rationale behind an existing tag team "uniting", I can't remember what it was...

The Apocalypse defeat Menace in a 2-on-1 handicap match (E+) An Face v Face match... Don't even ask...

Comedian defeats Pinn to win DIW Championship (D) Finally got something right. Thought I'd start off with a big upset to really stoke the tensions between these two.

Overall: D-

Conclusion: I apparently book like a maniac but don't fall too far behind Occasional Z in the first month. (I think it's a bit odd we both came up with a similar name for our shows too!)

Having been defeated time after time in TEW 2010 to get MOSC to survive, my opening move here was to trim everything I saw as an unnecessary expense; especially as everyone in 2013 has a downside agreement.

Had 138 people attend the opener, but did manage to lose $4261. My plan was to try and build a fanbase first by switching to Internet only videos, rather than trying to peddle dodgy Betamax tapes from a camel.

Put this show down to "dodgy pilot show" syndrome. I started planning a bit better after this (I use the term "better" extremely loosely).

mistaken · March 12, 2014

the rich dude can't afford a translator.

Occasional_Z · March 13, 2014

<blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-username="mistaken" data-cite="mistaken" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="37722" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div>the rich dude can't afford a translator. <img alt=":D" data-src="//content.invisioncic.com/g322608/emoticons/biggrin.png.929299b4c121f473b0026f3d6e74d189.png" src="<___base_url___>/applications/core/interface/js/spacer.png" /></div></blockquote> He's not a rich Sheik - camels are expensive to maintain, you know?

Occasional_Z · March 13, 2014

<blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="37722" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div>Quick notes With Warmonger off to pastures new, I decided to use my great creative mind to book an exciting way to crown new tag champions. Yeah, we're having a tag tournament... Oh and cos Jongredic told us his owner goals, I'll share mine 1 - Must not fall below small at any point 2 - Can't fall below £20,000 at any point 3 - No MMA crossovers 4 - No hiring/extending the contract of any wrestler with less than D- stamina (careful Dumfrey, put the cake down) 5 - No hiring/extending the contract of any wrestler with less than D- toughness All pretty reasonable, and much better than Jongredic's to be fair. Only 4 could be an issue, but I always want people with at least C- stamina anyway. I can book around it too... </div></blockquote> DIW Bloody Hell! - Saturday Week 1 February 2013 Pre Show In an extremely poor hardcore match, Vaughan defeated Gyula Lakatos, Sheik Ali Al-Avatar and Diesel Dan in 3:50 when Vaughan defeated Gyula Lakatos by submission with a Choke Sleeper (E-) This match served three purposes 1) get Vaughn over. 2) Give the Sheik an outing and 3) Bury Lakatos, who was in a strop after the first show. I have a plan to avoid any further tension though... I'm firing the useless git. Main Show In a bout that had a good crowd but featured terrible wrestling, The Hired Guns defeated Milton Hittlespitz and Menace To Sobriety in a First Blood match in 7:41 when Angus McMiller made Milton Hittlespitz bleed.(E) So, the first tag team tournament match...is pretty average. The faces are a makeshift team, which means they're losing. Dumfrey Pinn has an interview in which he taunts The Comedian. (D) Fat Man talk good! Expect to see a lot of talking from Pinn in mine and Jongredic's work, it's all the fat bastard is good for. The Hired Guns have an interview in which they taunt Hatemonger and Maximum. (E) Build up tension for the tag team tournament. Both Angus Miller and Wez Dobberley can talk a bit, was hoping for better to be honest... In a hardcore bout that had a good crowd but featured terrible wrestling, Blaze Maximum and Hatemonger defeated The Barracudas in 10:31 when Blaze Maximum defeated Chopper Rourke by pinfall with a Maximum Overdrive. (E+) Hmmm.....I should have known better than think a bunch of meh brawlers would have a good match, especially when two of them have never paired up before. Oddly, the crowd is being lifted by most of these segments - maybe they like bad talking/wrestling? Comedian and Mulhoney had an interview hyping their upcoming tag match with Pinn and Tombstone.(D-) Mulhoney actually has decent mic skills and The Comedian's over so this was likely to be good. Was hoping it would be better to be honest...the theme of this show... Maximum and Hatemonger had an interview hyping their upcoming tag match with The Hired Guns. (E) In my head, this odd couple was a great idea. Blaze Maximum: "Hey....hey, my little Maximums, got a great show for you tonight oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah...Daddy didn't wear his sprinkles so we get a clean contest oh yeah...Daddio wants to see some blood, the blood of Angus McMiller and Wez Dobberly. Blood that can glisten, glisten in the light of my shades OWWWW!!!!" Hatemonger: "RRRRRAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHH HATE!!! Outside of my head, this was a terrible f**king idea. The Comedian is shown sitting backstage getting ready. (D) 1 min of footage of a near silent man getting ready for what I will loosely call 'wrestling'...and it's the segment of the night. Next month's show is just The Comedian getting ready for 90 mins. In a bout that had a good crowd and some decent in-ring action, The Comedian and Mayhem Mulhoney defeated Dumfrey Pinn and Tombstone in 13:43 when The Comedian defeated Dumfrey Pinn by pinfall with a Running Powerslam.(E+) Balls. I was hoping for at least D-. I'm blaming Pinn, I'm starting to really hate him. The match is over, and Comedian and Mulhoney are celebrating. Dumfrey Pinn and Tombstone look angry, and jump them from behind, beating them down. (E) Violence to save face and further the feud. Overall – D- Possibly the worst D- show in TEW history. I bet we only got D- cos of The Comedian slowly getting dressed for his match too. Even worse...we lost £3,922 this month. Looking at the costs, we had 126 fans again so the same in ticket sales, nearly a grand more in sponsorship...then £4k lost in Misc expenses. Isn't that when someone is stealing from the company? I'm blaming Pinn, probably stealing DIW's funds for more cakes and crisps. So, Jongredic has a good chance to beat me this month, I need to rebuild next month. <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="37722" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div>March plans 1 - Reduce roster, save funds. 2 - Hire some faces, as our roster is full of heels who can't play face 3 - Stop blaming everything on Dumfrey Pinn....nah, scratch that.</div></blockquote>

jongredic · March 14, 2014

<blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-username="Occasional_Z" data-cite="Occasional_Z" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="37722" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div> The Comedian is shown sitting backstage getting ready. (D) 1 min of footage of a near silent man getting ready for what I will loosely call 'wrestling'...and it's the segment of the night. Next month's show is just The Comedian getting ready for 90 mins. In a bout that had a good crowd and some decent in-ring action, The Comedian and Mayhem Mulhoney defeated Dumfrey Pinn and Tombstone in 13:43 when The Comedian defeated Dumfrey Pinn by pinfall with a Running Powerslam.(E+) Balls. I was hoping for at least D-. I'm blaming Pinn, I'm starting to really hate him. [snip] Overall – D- </div></blockquote> Allow me if you will, Occasional Z, to show you the alternate universe where The Comedian did in fact get ready for the entire show: http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d105/xfairly_love/comedianmatch_zps19e44e39.jpg Note: The Comedian getting ready appeared in ALL segments, regardless of how I ended up naming them I had to include the match as well. It still scored E+... Oddly enough, the Comedian getting ready segment scored anywhere between E- and D+ over the course of 90 minutes. So, believe it or not, yours is the universe that peed off the least number of people! (And that takes into account nearly halving your attendance) <img alt=":p" data-src="//content.invisioncic.com/g322608/emoticons/tongue.png.ceb643b2956793497cef30b0e944be28.png" src="<___base_url___>/applications/core/interface/js/spacer.png" /> What you have to do to not "lift the crowd" or lose popularity in Eastern Australia is anyone's guess though...

Occasional_Z · March 14, 2014

<blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-username="jongredic" data-cite="jongredic" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="37722" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div>Allow me if you will, Occasional Z, to show you the alternate universe where The Comedian did in fact get ready for the entire show: I had to include the match as well. It still scored E+...</div></blockquote> So, rather than plan out a show...I could just have had The Comedian get ready for an hour and a half and got practically the same grade? Balls. That's depressing.... Your turn now, try and beat my pathetic attempt....

mistaken · March 14, 2014

that was awesome

jongredic · March 17, 2014

Universe 2, Show 2

Monday, Week 2, February 2014

DIW Lounge Area

*clip-clop-clip-clop-clip-clop*

Everyone is assembled, when the Sheikh enters. A strong odour of ammonia accompanies him.

Sheikh Ali: KHHHH-KKHHHHHH-Camels have two knees on each leg, yes? I marvelled. Many hours, good time. I recommend.

The Comedian: Point?!

Sheikh Ali: I under camel marvelling when camel, as you say, make whizz. Nearly drown. Good time, yes?

There's some muttering from the shocked and disgusted workers. Meanwhile, The Comedian sits with his arms folded, staring a hole through Sheikh Ali's head.

Sheikh Ali: Ah yes. Reason I call here today. Lori, please stand up. The awkward staring begins again. He never breaks the gaze while continuing. Mmmmm. MMMMMM.

Lou Brookmyre: Now hold on just a minute, mate. This has to stop!

Sheikh Ali: Fired.

Lou Brookmyre: What?

Sheikh Ali: You're fired. Please leave.

There's a tense moment of silence. Suddenly, the Sheikh rips his wet shirt off and throws it at Lou's face.

Sheikh Ali: NOOWWWW! Lou scurries off, never to be seen again... Lori, please go to my office and wait.

Lori: But you don't have an office...

Sheikh Ali: Oh. Stand next to camel outside then. Big Khim Teasdale. Up.

Jim: It's Jim.

Sheikh Ali: That is what I said. You expensive and don't wrestle. You're fi-

The Comedian:No.

Sheikh Ali: What?

The Comedian: Noooope.

Sheikh Ali: Okay. Khim, you now Road Agent. We don't need commentary.

Jim: (visibly relieved)Right-o... Could've been worse, I s'pose.

Sheikh Ali: Okay. Good meeting everyone.

And with that, the Sheikh leaves. Shirtless and smelling of 4 gallons of camel urine. He goes to his camel and speaks to Lori.

Sheikh Ali: It's hard, Lori.

Lori: I beg your pardon?!

Sheikh Ali: Very hard. For you.

Lori: I...

Sheikh: I have to let you go.

Lori: Oh...

Sheikh: But as soon as we make money, I hire you back, yes?

Lori: Fair dinkum.

Lori wipes a tear off the Sheikh's face, gives him a peck on the cheek and leaves, in apparently good spirits.

<div style="text-align:center;">________________

DIW Faceful of Fist - Friday Week 3, February 2014</div>

APOCALUDA: Hatemonger is backstage when the whole Barracudas stable beat him down for no apparent reason (E-)

This unprovoked attack is part of something larger despite being off to a poor start.

Milton Hittlespitz busts Sheikh Ali open in a first blood match (E-)

Relieved I got better than an F match out of the Sheikh. Thought Milton could do with the win. I have a feeling the crowd think more of him than I do at the moment.

Tombstone defeats the Bad Truckers in a 2vs1 handicap match (E+)

I've also got a feeling Tombstone will become one of the big names later on, and I wanted to see how the Bad Truckers worked together. I believe the answer is "not well".

APOCALUDA: The Apocalypse challenge The Barracudas (E+)

Warmonger and Hatemonger take to the ring.

Warmonger: Attacking Hatemonger was a misTAAAAAAKE!

Hatemonger: Yeah!

Warmonger: You will be brought to jusTIIIICE! Your snivelling cowardice will not preVAAAIIIIL!

Hatemonger: Yeah!

Warmonger: Face us in the ring next month and accept your punishMEEEEENNNNT!

Warmonger drops the microphone and heads back to his locker room. It looks like Hatemonger might've said "Yeah!" again, but he's so nasal and whiny, his voice was lost in the feedback of dropped microphone.

So, the feud is on. Not a bad segment, but Hatemonger is not good on the mic... I might just make him a mute, eh?

Pinn taunts Mace Mueller (D)

Obligatory "Fat Man Talks Good" segment. Decided to keep him away from a match unless it serves a purpose. I *guess* I did this to include Mueller in the show somehow. If anyone knows why Pinn is taunting a member of his own stable though, by all means let me know. (The real reason is probably booking a show at 3am is to blame...)

Quite disturbed this couple of minutes is the highlight of the entire show though...

God of War defeats Vaughn in a Deathmatch (E-)

I like God of War. Vaughn taking the loss is just more fuel for his rage.

The Apocalypse defeat Drunk & Disorderly (D-)

Pure rookie mistake. Absolutely no idea why I thought of pitting the only faces in the company against each other... Crowd liked it though.

APOCALUDA: The Barracudas accept The Apocalypse's challenge (E)

Blitz Simpson and Chopper Rourke climb into the ring before Menace to Sobriety has got out. Chopper uses Menace's face as a hand-hold to get into the ring, sending him into an alcoholic heap.

Blitz: I've spent a lot of time inside, Warmonger, and I survived every shower with bigger men than you. I accept your challenge, mate. But win or lose, this isn't the end of it!

Chopper: Yeah!

And with that, the lights go out on this show.

Something about escaping forced manlove in a prison shower didn't quite gel with the crowd... I bet it was Chopper's contribution.

Post-show

Overall Grade: D-

Attendance: 157

Finance: $2858 profit for February

Still some mistakes that need to be worked out booking-wise. Trimming the roster and selling "DIW: Faceful of Fistful of Face" Betamax tapes from the Sheikh's camel seems to be working.

APW had planted people in the crowd and tried to cause havoc. You'll see how the Sheikh reacts in the next show.

Firing the announcer and moving Jim from Colour Commentary to Road Agent doesn't seem to have had any negative effects. Think of DIW as the silent movie of wrestling.

Big Rig's contract is up for renewal. He's still contracted for the next show, so it should become clear what happens after that...

Like Occasional Z, I think Pinn talking to himself and The Comedian wrestling thin air is the smartest way to keep DIW going. The problem is I AM NOT A SMART PERSON.

Over to you Mr Z.

Occasional_Z · March 18, 2014

Universe 1 Show 3

You're on Jongredic! Oh, and my legal team have asked me to add this;

DISCLAIMER

Occasional_Z has no concept of Australian culture - his images of Australia come from early 2000s Neighbours and Savage Garden albums. Some of his characterisation will be off and his use of accents will be pitiful. Please, just humour him - do not be offended by his lack of ability.

Saturday Week 1 March 2013

Sheik Ali Al - Avatar's Palace, Marv's Sport Central carpark

In the makeshift palace in the parking lot (it's amazing what you can do with cardboard boxes and plastic cups), the Sheik decides to speak to some members of the DIW roster....

Sheik: "Agent of the Road, enter!"

Lou: "Hey Sheik what's-"

Sheik: "Sheik Al - Avatar. Born in Iran. Championship wrestler. Living in my palace, my kingdom. Doesn't need agent of road, great wrestlers born to know how to grapple!"

Lou: "Blimey, I am sacked?"

Sheik: "No, I execute you."

Lou: "Gordon Bennett! I don't think you can do that, Sheik!"

Sheik: "Take him away!"

Lou: "There is no one there-"

Suddenly Diesel Dan and Big Rig grab Lou and drag him out of the palace, shocking over some of the boxes as they go

Lou: "- lads, c'mon I got a daughter to support!!!"

Sheik: "I take your daughter in name of Al-Avatar! She will be my third wife, after Afafafafafafafafa Al-Avatar and Sheila Al-Avatar!!! (shouting) Rig! Dan! Remember to execute yourselves after executing Lou; No need I have for you!!!"

The whole palace falls down as Gyula Lakatos walks in to see The Sheik

Lakatos: "Boss. You wish to see me?"

Sheik: (angry) "You idddiiooootttt!!!! Rebuild palace! Then, execute yourself!"

Lakatos: "You ....don't want Gyula to wrestle here anymore...do you?"

Sheik: "No! Nor does anyone! Not least Shiek Al - Avatar. Living in my destroyed palace. Three wives. Lots of tension. Championship wrestler. From Iran. Can't sleep until 12pm...."

We leave The Sheik to list his achievements to a deflated Gyula Lakatos amongst a pile of cardboard boxes and plastic cups.

DIW Punchfacer - Saturday Week 3 March 2013

Pre Show

The Kipper beat The Void (E+)

My two newest hires...pretty meh. This lifted the crowd somehow.

Blaze Maximum beat Sheik Ali Al-Avatar (E)

Again, crowd lifted. The easiest crowd to please in pro wrestling?

Main Show

Pinn taunts The Comedian (D+)

Fat man talks. Crowd are lifted.

(1vs1)Mayhem Mulhoney vs Blitz Simpson (E+)

Crowd lifted. Blitz always complains about hardcore matches, so gave him a standard 1vs1 vs a talented person. He did ok. Might push him as the sensitive member of The Barracudas.

Menace To Soberity and Milton Hittlespitz come out to talk, are interupted and challenged by Vaughn and Chopper Rourke (E-)

Menace: "Well I got some good news and some bad news. Bad news is, I failed a breathalyser test cos I'm as pissed as a fart! The good news is...I'm smashed!!! Get me a tinny!" (Milton nervously props up a wobbling Menace)

Chopper Rouke and Vaughn walk down the aisle. Vaughn is too scary to talk, he merely stands there laughing at evil things, while Chopper does the honors;

Chopper: "Kid and a drunk! How bahhtt me and Vaughny here beat ya silly bastards inta the grouund?"

Menace: "Yeah!?! There may be six of ya ugly bastards but me and Wilton-

Milton: "Milton."

Menace: "Me and Wilton will kick da s**t outta ya, ya mangy dogs!"

A brawl breaks out until road agents (well, the ghosts of road agents, all executed, remember?) break up the brawling.The crowd are lifted by this drunken display of bad brawling.

(Hardcore)The Hired Guns beat Blaze Maximum and Hatemonger to win the DIW Tag Team Titles (via Mace Mueller interference) (E+)

Blaze off game..if that oddball even has a game. Crowd lifted. The new champs are a good team...who don't like hardcore matches. DIW might not be the place for them.

The Comedian walks (D)

Can't remember if this lifted the crowd, but I'd bet all my possessions they were.

(Weapons Match)Chopper Rourke and Vaughn beat Menace to Sobriety and Milton Hittlespitz (E-)(via Blitz Simpson interferrence)

The crowd were lifted by this awful match...seriously, have they never watched wrestling before?

Asylum saves Menace To Sobriety from 3 on 1 beating (E-)

So Asylum makes his big return after The Barracudas ran him out of DIW...and the crowd aren't lifted? I can imagine them now "Ah, gee...there's logical booking, I'm not lifted by that....I need some sloppy brawling, that'll lift me..." I hate this crowd, but they seem to love my s**ty booking.

Comedian hypes (D-)

Man who can't/won't talk gets 5 mins to talk. Crowd were lifted. It's starting to drive me mad....

(1vs1)The Comedian beat Dumfrey Pinn to win the DIW Championship (E+)

AAARRRRGGHHHHH!!!!!!!! Ok, deep breaths....1) this was my meal ticket, my big match and it's only good for a E+? 2) I hate that fat lard bucket Pinn, dragging the match down by making it a straight 1vs1 and having the stamina of an asthmatic sloth 3) The crowd were lifted by this? It was terrible!!!

Tombstone attacks Comedian (E+)

So, your babyface gets battered unfairly and the crowd are lifted?!?

Mulhoney rescues The Comedian from Pinn and Tombstone (E)

The crowd were lifted. I'm lifted cos it's over.

Post-show

Overall Grade: D- (I do not know how...)

Attendance: 231

Finance: $2,904 loss for March (It's that $4,800 misc. again...it's money laundering, isn't it?)

My booking isn't great, but the crowd love it regardless...it's actually depressing. I rarely lift the crowd in EPW and the show is much better. Guess standards for wrestling in Australia are pretty low...

Fat mess Pinn is now our road agent, after the 'disappearance' of Lou Brookmyre...he's got the psychology for the job (and the stamina...sitting still is the only time he's not knackered)

So the truckers, Lori (fired last month) and the greek sounding guy are gone and Asylum, The Void and The Kipper are in...we needed more talent and more faces, we'll get to see if these guys can lift the crowd in the coming months. (Spoiler - they can.)

Jongredic - it's your turn...

jongredic · March 19, 2014

Universe 2, Show 3 <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="37722" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div>Mr Z, prepare to be astounded by the following. If you think your knowledge of Oz culture is bad, mine's based on Alf Stewart from Home & Away and Cell Block H...</div></blockquote> Wednesday, Week 1, March 2014 Marv's Sports Central - Sheikh Ali's Office (or is it?) Sheikh Ali is sitting on top of his camel inside his new office, counting the nearly three thousand Australian dollars in profit from Frebruary. There's a very insistent knock at the door. The Comedian: KNOCK KNOCK! Sheikh Ali: Who's there? The Comedian: MIFE! Sheikh Ali: Who is Mife? The Comedian: RAAARRGGGHHH! With that, the Comedian punches the door straight off its hinges. He stands in the doorway, steam rising off him from his unbridled rage. The Comedian: MATE! NO! ONE: YOU - "MIFE WHO?". ME - "MY FIST". YOUR FACE - I PUNCH! Sheikh Ali: Hm. Sheikh thought Shiekh had hang of Aussie khhhhumour by n- The Comedian: NEVER. INT. ER. RUPT. TWO: MY OFFICE. OUT! Sheikh Ali: And magnificent camel? Where he live? The Comedian: I DON'T GIVE A KOOKABURRA'S RIGHT NUT, MATE. OUT! Sheikh Ali: Oka- The Comeidan: THREE! BLOODY RAW. AT MY SHOW. WITH BANNERS! CHEERING! WORDS! RAGE! CAN'T... By this point, The Comedian is frothing at the mouth and turning purple. Sheikh Ali clip-clops on his camel towards The Comedian and pats him on the back with a dismembered mannequin's arm (how else is he supposed to reach from a 7'7" camel?) Sheikh Ali: Leave it to Sheikh, Boss. All in hand. The Comedian: (looking at the mannequin hand) HA! GOOD ONE! Sheikh Ali: (totally clueless) Um, yes. Sheikh "good one"... Oh, by way. Big Khim whinge too much - back on Colour Commentary. The Comedian: JIM! Sheikh Ali: That is what Sheikh said. Fat Khim also Road Agent - save money, very good. Sheikh announce with Fat Khim now! The Comedian: K... Sheikh Ali: Big Rig - Sheikh not renew contract. Not tell Big Rig yet, keep shush! Sheikh Ali is already clip-clopping down the corridor before The Comedian can muster enough rage to react... Marv, of Marv's Sports Central, chooses this moment to announce his presence. Marv: Stone the flamin' crows, mate! What's happened to my bloody door?! That's coming out of your pocket, ya bloody mongrel! Bloody hoons. Hooning around... Marv grabs the $2868 dollars and walks away, muttering angrily to himself. <div style="text-align:center;">___________________ DIW Faceful of Fist Friday, Week 3, March 2014</div> Tombstone defeats Mace Mueller in First Blood match (E-) Something about Mace I don't like. Jobbing him out to have his face smashed off seemed like the right thing to do. I'll let you guess what this did for the crowd's mood... <img alt=";)" data-src="//content.invisioncic.com/g322608/emoticons/wink.png.686f06e511ee1fbf6bdc7d82f6831e53.png" src="<___base_url___>/applications/core/interface/js/spacer.png" /> Diesel Dan challenges Big Rig (E) Diesel Dan charges down to the ring and grabs the mic from Death Ref (who, incidentally, looks practically homicidal at the lack of manners). Diesel Dan: Listen, Big Rig, mate. I have to get something off my chest! I've carried your worthless aaaarse for years now. I mean, strike me flamin' roan, we haven't had a title for two and a half bloody years! If you want to keep up our partnership as the Bad Truckers, defeat me in the ring tonight or rack off and let me win a belt alone! It would be an exercise in futility to tell you what the crowd thought of this. Needless to say, I spent more time avoiding saying it than if I'd actually said it... Diesel Dan defeats Big Rig in I Quit match (F+) Big Rig rolls down the ramp surprisingly slowly for someone so rotund. He eventually flops into the ring after using an unwilling Sheikh as a step ladder and we have a match. I say match. We have an embarrassing to watch squash. So humiliating is this, Death Ref and Big Jim are nearly moved to tears, while a barely conscious Sheikh is nearly sick all over the announce desk. And I win the award for GETTING STATIC FROM THE CROWD. It seems even Eastern Australian fans have their limits. God of War defeats Milton in Coal Miner's Glove match (E+) These two have great chemistry. Made a slight booking error by telling them to work the crowd, expecting there to be a lull in the show by this point. Apparently they were lifted enough by this point... <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="37722" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div>Diesel Dan pays Big Rig a visit Bit peculiar this - I was sure I'd included an angle where Dan goes to Big Rig in the locker room after the match. Big Rig is tearing up photos of his glory days with Dan, when Dan shuts the door, cracks his knuckles and says "this won't take a minute". He closes the door, and the camera pulls back down the corridor in silence; and that's the last we ever see of Big Rig. Just checked the show history, and I'll be rum jiggered if I can find it... I've included it for completion though as it forms the basis for an upcoming storyline. And just in case anyone's wondering: Yes, I do feel a bit guilty for treating Big Rig like this. </div></blockquote> APOCALUDA: The Barracudas defeat The Apocalypse (D-) Having accepted the challenge last show, The Barracuda tag team barely get a look-in as the two 'Mongers come in with a variety of successful attacks between them. Eventually, honest-to-goodness clean brawling succumbs to the dishonourable tactics of Vaughn. He distracts Death Ref, who is knocked out (and looks pretty homicidal about it). Vaughn then assumes refereeing duties and The Apocalypse soon find themselves on the wrong end of a dodgy count after Chopper Rourke uses a combination of illegal moves to get the pin. Good match (by DIW standards). The feud ticks over nicely. ROOM AT THE TOP?: Pinn threatens The Comedian (D-) The Comedian is saying various monosyllabic words to Big Jim, when Dumfrey Pinn, of Pinn Enterprises Ltd, approaches him with a mic. Pinn: OI, TITLE STEALER! Are you listening, ya bloody Sheila? I want my bloody belt back! And in future, stay out of Pinn Enterprise's business, or ya'll find yaself up to ya neck in a dunny, mate. MY dunny. And I've eaten a lotta curry lately. Pinn finishes by aiming a fairly large gob of spit directly at The Comedian's boots. Fat Man Talks Good™. And he also has a fascination with bodily fluids... ROOM AT THE TOP?: The Hired Guns defeat Drunk & Disorderly in a First Blood match (E+) Pinn follows up by sending the Hired Guns into the ring to finish off The Comedian. Menace to Sobriety staggers into the ring and the match begins. D&D are holding their own until Death Ref (concussed and homicidal) misses some fairly obvious interference from Pinn. Wez Dobberley takes advantage by busting Menace's face open. Considering the alcohol content of Menace's body, it's debatable whether this counts as "first blood". Two things wrong here: Menace to Sobriety is a liability and Angus McMiller is a better mic man than a fighter. ROOM AT THE TOP?: Comedian challenges Pinn, Accepted (D+) Incensed at the dirty finish, The Comedian grabs a mic and stands on Menace's unconscious body for extra lift. The Comedian: No. No. No. No. NO! Knock knock! Who's there? Me, Pinn. MEEEEEEEEEE!!! FIGHT. NEXT MONTH! He slams the microphone to the ground, Pinn nods, the lights go off and the crowd are given 10 minutes to get out. He's such a card, that Comedian! Thank goodness he can talk AND fight! Post-show Overall grade: D- Attendance: 300 - SELL OUT! Finance: $2295 LOSS for March So, I'm pleased with that show. D- is about par for the course, a sell out crowd. Don't get the sudden loss though. Merchandise sales hit rock bottom and Misc. expenses shot through the roof - clearly punching doors and keeping that camel is more expensive that I realised. Totally befuddled by the missing angle, but it probably would've just brought the grade down if it had stayed in. I'm even more befuddled why I've decided to put Pinn in a match next month... Note to self: If it's after midnight, DO NOT BOOK SHOWS! Mr Z, I eagerly await your next effort. I hope you've put Pinn in every match, or I'm sunk <img alt=":p" data-src="//content.invisioncic.com/g322608/emoticons/tongue.png.ceb643b2956793497cef30b0e944be28.png" src="<___base_url___>/applications/core/interface/js/spacer.png" />

Occasional_Z · March 23, 2014

Universe 1, Show 4

Before we start, gotta stay well played to Jongredic there...a good showing and one that means I gotta step it up. No, that doesn't mean more Dumfrey Pinn matches.

Now I've played three months, I'm kinda getting an idea of what I want to book and how to play as DIW. So, I'm kinda confident this might be a good show. I said "might"...

Pre show incident: Dumphrey Pinn has taken The Void under his wing as a protege...memo to The Void: learn mic skills and psychology from Pinn, ignore his cardio tips.

<div style="text-align:center;">DIW Dingo Creek Slugfest

Saturday Week 1 April 2013</div>

Pre Show

The Kipper defeats Sheik Ali Al - Avatar in a Hardcore Match (E-)

Sheik was off his game tonight (I reckon he caught a cold in the parking lot trying to rebuild his majestic cardboard palace) and has no chemistry with The Kipper. At least it's on the pre show...

Main Show

Mayhem Mulhoney defeated The Void in a Hardcore Match (E+)

This match lifted the crowd <img alt="" data-src="//content.invisioncic.com/g322608/emoticons/rolleyes.png.4b097f4fbbe99ce5bcd5efbc1b773ed6.png" src="<___base_url___>/applications/core/interface/js/spacer.png" /> just assume that every segment lifts the crowd...to be fair, it wasn't bad for a thrown together squash. Two decent showings for The Void thus far.

Dumfrey Pinn taunts The Comedian (D+)

Pinn: "Now, I may have lost to that senseless subjector of silence last month and I may no longer be DIW Champion...but I have gone beyond this. Let's just say I made an investment last month that entitles me to even more power over this wretched company and you fans, a bunch of cockroaches and criminals..."

This is part of a show long storyline, I'm pleased with the grade for part one...

Asylum, Menace to Sobriety and Milton Hittlespitz defeated Chopper Rourke, Mace Mueller and Vaughan in a Hardcore Match (E)

Part of the Asylum's revenge story (the Barracudas took him out of DIW) Mueller is the odd man out here and is only here because 1)he interferred in a match last month and 2) to lose, Vaughan and Chopper ain't losing just yet. Question though... Asylum beat Mueller via Pinfall...to Stoppage Punches? Did Asylum just keep punching Mueller during the three count?

Asylum attacked by Blitz Simpson (E)

I'm keeping Simpson away from this Face Scrubs vs Barracudas feud as he's too talented to lose to the face scrubs and he hates hardcore matches. These beatdowns are just to keep him in the mix, until I find something for him to do.

Angus McMiller taunts The Comedian (D-)

Just to kill some time and see if this will get McMiller more over. Decent grade actually.

The Hired Guns defeated Blaze Maximum and Hatemonger in a 2vs2 match to retain the DIW Tag Team Titles (E)

A decent match for the new champs. My gimmick with them is that they will only wrestle regular matches, no hardcore battles. Both Hired Guns have complained about the hardcore stuff, so I'm gonna let them have actual matches - they've talented enough. The problem is, who is talented enough to face them and have good matches with them?

The Comedian hypes his match against Tombstone (D)

Interviewer: "So Comedian-"

Comedian: "-Knock knock."

Interviewer: "Who...who's there?"

Comedian: "Mister."

Interviewer: "Mister who?"

Comedian: "Mister Comedian to you drongo."

Interviewer: "I'm really sorry-"

Comedian: "Do it again, be really dead."

Interviewer: "Erm....what is your strategy for tonight's match against the dangerous Tombstone?"

Comedian: "Knock knock."

Interviewer: "Who's there, Mister Comedian?"

Comedian: "Barbed wire cricket bat to the face."

Interviewer: "Barbed wire cricket bat to the face who?"

Comedian: "Barbed wire cricket bat to the face repeatedly."

Interviewer: "I er, see. Well thank you for your time Mr Comedian."

Comedian: "Piss off."

Part two of our show long story - another decent grade

The Comedian defeated Tombstone in a Weapons Match to retain the DIW Championship (D-)

Happy with that grade. I knew these two could have a decent match (from January) so I booked it and made it a little shorter so The Comedian wouldn't struggle. I gave Tomstone a 'Keep Strong' note - he's someone I want to push, but I didn't want to switch the title here or have a cop out finish.

Dumfrey Pinn reveals he is the new Commisioner (D+)

Pinn:"...yes Comedian, I took all the money I made from our last show and bought the company outright. It only cost $300, but it was worth it, worth it to see the confused look on your stupid, ugly tosser face. I am the the authority round here now. I am gonna make your pathetic life hell Comedian. You may have taken my title, but I just took your balls!"

Operation:Get Pinn out of ring commences...so far it's looking good. Pinn can just talk, which he's great at, and road agent all the matches. Everyone wins really -apart from the vending machine, which is gonna be under even more strain...

Comedian rebels and attacks Pinn (C-)

Pinn: "So, now I'm in charge, you can do things the easy way or the hard way-"

Comedian: "-knock knock"

Pinn: "Who's there?"

Comedian: "Your mother."

Pinn: "Stupid joke...doesn't even work..."

Comedian: "Don't steal the punchline!"

With that, The Comedian kicks Pinn in the nuts! The crowd erupt as The Comedian beats on the prone Pinn, cheering every punch and kick. Finally, The Comedian finishes the assault by whipping Pinn to the ropes then hitting him for six with the barbed wire cricket bat as Pinn rebounds off the ropes.

C- for DIW? I'm made up with that.

Post-show

Overall grade: D

Attendance: 247

Finance: $705 LOSS for April

I think that went pretty well, considering the (lack of) talent I have at my disposal. Getting Pinn out of the ring was a good start, now I need to get some of my new hires more over and see if we can sneak these match grades up.

Checked the Top 100 list and it reckons that the January show was better than this one. That's encouraging - I thought this was a great show, so if we can do better, we can really progress.

Try and beat that Jongredic!

Voeltzwagon · March 23, 2014

You both are magnificent bastards. I just want you both to know that.

KnowYourEnemy · March 23, 2014

Superb Job, Shiek 1 and Shiek 2.

My only compliant is that neither roster contains Mirror Universe John Gordon. I would love to see the original reality signs Mirror Universe John Gordon while the alternate reality signs his counterpart, Regular Universe John Gordon.

That would be awesome.

Occasional_Z · March 23, 2014

<blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-username="Voeltzwagon" data-cite="Voeltzwagon" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="37722" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div>You both are magnificent bastards. I just want you both to know that.</div></blockquote> That's actually one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me *wipes a tear away* <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-username="KnowYourEnemy" data-cite="KnowYourEnemy" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="37722" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div>Superb Job, Shiek 1 and Shiek 2. My only compliant is that neither roster contains Mirror Universe John Gordon. I would love to see the original reality signs Mirror Universe John Gordon while the alternate reality signs his counterpart, Regular Universe John Gordon. That would be awesome.</div></blockquote> That's a fine idea sir - just wondering which universe would get which version of John Gordon? I'll speak to Mr Jongredic about this, see if we can do it without bankrupting ourselves! Oh and thanks for the DOTM nomination as well - much appreciated!

jongredic · March 23, 2014

<blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-username="Voeltzwagon" data-cite="Voeltzwagon" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="37722" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div>You both are magnificent bastards. I just want you both to know that.</div></blockquote> Mr Z beat me to it, but thank you! I definitely swelled with pride at that <img alt=":D" data-src="//content.invisioncic.com/g322608/emoticons/biggrin.png.929299b4c121f473b0026f3d6e74d189.png" src="<___base_url___>/applications/core/interface/js/spacer.png" /> <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-username="KnowYourEnemy" data-cite="KnowYourEnemy" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="37722" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div>Superb Job, Shiek 1 and Shiek 2. My only compliant is that neither roster contains Mirror Universe John Gordon. I would love to see the original reality signs Mirror Universe John Gordon while the alternate reality signs his counterpart, Regular Universe John Gordon. That would be awesome.</div></blockquote> Not wanting to give anything away at this point, I will tell you that you're definitely on my wavelength there. I was scouting out the fellow not 6 hours ago... Watch this space, my friend. And many thanks on the DOTM nomination. Definitely a very nice surprise and honour! (espeically considering this is my first diary and so far my booking has been... "chaotic" for want of a family-friendly word <img alt=":p" data-src="//content.invisioncic.com/g322608/emoticons/tongue.png.ceb643b2956793497cef30b0e944be28.png" src="<___base_url___>/applications/core/interface/js/spacer.png" />)

jongredic · March 23, 2014

Universe 2, Show 4

Monday, Week 1, April 2014

The Comedian's Office

The Comedian: WHAT?!

Sheikh: Leaflets. Vicious leaflets. Like dagger to heart!

The Comedian: Against RAW? Bad joke. BAD!

Sheikh: Those INFIDELS invade our show. Sheikh respond in kind.

The Comedian: And?

Sheikh: It went not well. They spotted Sheikh in crowd, tore leaflets, mocked me openly. This not big deal though. Signed non-aggression with ZEN today!

The Comedian: WHAT?!

Sheikh: (gleefully) It good, yes?

The Comedian: RACK OFF!

The Comedian pushes all the stuff of his desk in a massive temper tantrum, opens a tinny and lights a cigarette. Menthol, of course, because they're healthier. He turns his back on Sheikh Ali.

Big Jim: I think you'd better go, mate.

Sheikh Ali: You in room whole time?! We not on announce desk now! (he rips his shirt off and throws it at Big Jim) DO NOT ADDRESS SHEIKH!

Big Jim: You signed a non-aggression with the only other promo in 'Stralia! Strewth mate, where are we supposed to get new talent now? APW?!

Sheikh: Kkhhhave your kkhhhorses kkhheld, Khim.

Big Jim: It's Jim...

Sheikh: That is what Sheikh said. Khhold Khhorses! ZEN in New Zealand, not Australia, idiot! Also, Sheikh re-sign Chopper Rourke! All good!

The Comedian: Over. My. Dead. Bod.

Sheikh: Sheikh - Iranian Wrestling Champion; Young Entrepreneur of Year 1984 - does not understand.

Big Jim: You know you can't sign ex-cons, mate. Chopper's been inside.

The Comedian: BLOODY CRIM! (he lights another cigarette)

Big Jim: (calmly) It's okay mate, take it easy. (To Sheikh) He reckons someone's been taking money, that's why we were down 2k last month.

Sheikh: $900 a show for you; $1200 for Fat Dumfrey Pigdog. Leaflets not cheap either! Sheikh wonders who real thieves are... Good day, sirs. Come along, Chris.

And on that bombshell, the Sheikh walks proudly out of The Comedian's office, Chris the Camel close behind him.

<div style="text-align:center;">_____________________________

DIW Faceful of Fist

Friday, Week 3, April 2014</div>

APOCALUDA: Warmonger has interview about Vaughn match (E+)

Warmonger: He's an AAAAARSEhole, what can I say? Vaughn, mate, I'm gonna kill you... LATERRRRR!

When the dude I think is my "microphone man" for The Apocalypse gets an E+, it's time to panic...

APOCALUDA: Chopper Rourke tells Blitz Simpon he wants to be a singles star (E+)

Chopper: Listen, mate, we've been through it together, right? But I need to go it alone now. The Barracudas have done a lot for me. It'll still be me, you and Vaughn. Just, let's have a break for a while, eh?

Erm... Alarm bells definitely ringing now.

Tombstone defeates Mace Mueller, Meance to Sobriety and Wez Dobberly in 4-way singles match (E)

Tombstone managed to hoist himself out of the sloppy mess of this match. He dispatched Menace in under a minute - a light push was all it took to send him over the ropes. Wez and Mace stuck together as Pinn Eneterprises henchmen, with Mace leading the charge against Tombstone. Wez saw an opportunity for glory, and a took a subtle step back as Tombstone crushed Mace. Then it was just him and Tombstone. Tombstone cleanly won the match with a Quick Cradle finish.

The crowd liked the match - not sure I did... Menace was off his game. No kidding? He didn't give a Castlemain 4X for anything else when he chugged half a crate of beer before the match.

APOCALUDA: Chopper swears revenge on Warmonger (E+)

Chopper: Warmonger, mate, don't chat s**t on Vaughn, right? When I'm done with you, they're gonna need dental records!

Oh, good grief! Someone take that mic away from him! Also, if this angle confused anyone, keep reading...

Vaughn swaggers to the announce desk to do Colour Commentary with Jim (E+)

*banging head on desk* Just what the hell is happening?! If you want to know what I was thinking, just picture an Australian version of this:

http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d105/xfairly_love/vince-mcmahon-walk_zps65bc85ea.gif

Diesel Dan defeats God of War and Milton Hittlespitz in 3-way singles (E+)

God of War did the right thing and bowed out early, leaving Dan to introduce Milton to the Crushin' Elbow.

This. Lifted. The Crowd. I... I don't... Wh... Bu...

APOCALUDA: Warmonger defeats Vaughn in a First Blood match (D-)

The crowd liked this, I liked this. I'll have to split Vaughn's face in two more often.

Also, anyone who noticed that this doesn't go with the Chopper angle above - all will become clear at the end...

ROOM AT THE TOP?: Comedian challenges Pinn, puts power on line (D-)

The Comedian: PINN! HAD IT, MATE! YOU. ME. THIS RING. THE PRIZE? YOU WIN - I QUIT. NO JOKE!

God bless The Comedian! This was apparently a terrible segment for him because I forgot to tick the Scripted button. I'll take a D- over an E+ though!

Also, the reason he puts his power on the line, not his belt, is because of a boo-boo I made in the first show. The Comedian was not supposed to win the title, but did anyway because it looks like I forgot to use a DQ finish, and "somebody" didn't notice until the results of this show made it obvious...

APOCALUDA: God of War and Hatemonger defeat Chopper Rourke in a 2 v 1 First Blood match (E+)

Some botched interference from Blitz Simpson gives God of War the opening he needs to punch a piece of Chopper's face off.

I'm pulling hair out by this point. God of War is tired from his PREVIOUS MATCH. Warmonger was originally in this match until I realised he just fought Vaughn. I... FFFFFUUUUUUU-

APOCALUDA: Chopper Rourke quits (E-)

Chopper is in the locker room, covered in blood and using a yPad (patent pending) to record his latest vlog.

Chopper: Dear Diary, I'm not cut out for this. Everyone hates me. I need some time to clear my head.

He uploads the vlog to UsTube (patent pending), picks up his bag and leaves.

So... Chopper actually does worse than an E+?! You know what, I don't even care by this point. Let's just end this farce.

ROOM AT THE TOP?: The Comedian defeats Dumfrey Pinn to retain the DIW Championship belt (E+)

Dumfrey Pinn waddles to the ring, takes off his dirty sheepskin jacket, places it neatly on the announce desk and is hoisted into the ring by a homicidal Death Ref.

The Comedian stands in his corner, letting Dumfrey Pinn tire himself out on the journey over from the opposite corner.

When he eventually arrives, The Comedian issues a frighteningly fast headbutt, uses an ungodly hidden strength to hoist Pinn up and puts him right through the announce desk.

He makes his first defence of the DIW Championship title, keeps his power, signals to the ref that he's done and marches off. Security fires rubber bullets into the air to disperse the crowd.

To paraphrase Admiral James T. Kirk (or nuSpock, if that is your wont): PIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!

Post-show

Overall grade: E+

Attendance: 262

Finance: $4485 LOSS for April

So, I'm disappointed with the grade and the attendance, though I suppose 262 isn't too bad. The loss of money is frightening though. ($4,800 Misc expenses... sounds oddly familiar...)

What went wrong, you ask? Booking a show at 5am in a rush because I know I won't sleep if I don't get it done. So you end up with God of War in two matches, Warmonger trashtalking Vaughn, but Chopper giving the retort, et cetera, et cetera... et... cetera...

I had to hastily write Chopper out of the Apocaluda storyline because I didn't realise how The Comedian's "no criminals" goal was going to manifest itself. To be honest I thought he gave me that goal for a laugh <img alt="" data-src="//content.invisioncic.com/g322608/emoticons/confused.png.d4a8e6b6eab0c67698b911fb041c0ed1.png" src="<___base_url___>/applications/core/interface/js/spacer.png" />

Also, the ZEN non-aggression pact was a total knee-jerk reaction to RAW's shenanigans. It was only after it was done I realised I'd stitched myself up like a kipper. So, for now at least, ZEN workers (including those from other universes) are off limits to me <img alt="" data-src="//content.invisioncic.com/g322608/emoticons/frown.png.e6b571745a30fe6a6f2e918994141a47.png" src="<___base_url___>/applications/core/interface/js/spacer.png" />

Any fans of Community will know what I mean when I say this is my "Gas Leak" show.

Let us never speak of it again.

So, Mr Z, you managed to break the stalemate of D- for every show. Congratulations on your D. Not sure how you did it (again!), but a hearty handshake and a fruit basket is on its way to you!

terrybgoode · March 23, 2014

This is frickin' hilarious. You are awful and possibly geniuses.

mistaken · March 23, 2014

good stuff

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