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WHAT - Stupid Wrestling For Dumb Idiot Jerks [Thunderverse Platinum]

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Jerome Stallings is an American comedian who achieved national infamy in 2015 with an appearance on the network TV show, So You Think You're Funny. Stallings response to a heckler in the crowd turned into a profane, 8-minute rant, and a viral media sensation after that.


Stallings came in 3rd overall on the show and returned to his hometown of Nampa, Idaho, where he opened comedy wrestling promotion WHAT after seeing a live POW! show in Chicago.


Described as “stupid wrestling for idiots,” WHAT is basically a raunchier version of POW!, augmented by Stallings' weird, postmodern sense of humor and fondness of sketch comedy. One of the primary sponsors of WHAT is the United Potato Growers of Idaho, who use it as a tax write-off; in return, one of WHAT's championship belts is the UPGI Tuberheavyweight Championship. The other two belts are the WHAT Internet Championship (which is the centerpiece title) and the WHAT 'Murican Tag Team Championship.




Stallings, who also does the color commentary for WHAT, hired Marcus Mitchell to handle the play-by-play and Bill Serrano as the head (and only) referee. As booker, he took a chance on an 18-year-old rookie named Mark Hannigan, who he met at a comedy club in Boise and hired after a brief conversation about wrestling. Hannigan also wrestles in WHAT, which we'll get to in our next post...

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<p>The Babyface Roster</p><p> </p><p>

Comedy promotion or not, WHAT still uses heels and babyfaces. Here is the babyface roster.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Top row, L-R:</strong></p><p>

Apache Chef - A parody of wrestling legend Apache Chief, Apache Chef is, obviously, a chef who is also (allegedly) a member of the DiGiorno Indian tribe. He's a funny, good-hearted guy for the most part, but he does have a quick temper.</p><p> </p><p>

Blue Ferrigno - Blue, who paints his entire body blue, is a decent wrestler who also sells weed. More than one member of the roster buys from him, regardless of their alignment.</p><p> </p><p>

Duane Grill - A blue-collar guy whose mask comes with its own mullet, Duane works the concession stand at most WHAT events, only taking breaks to wrestle.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Middle row, L-R:</strong></p><p>

Panda Beer - A frequently drunk, boisterous wrestler in a panda bear mask.</p><p> </p><p>

"The Baseball Fury" Spitball Spurlock - He likes baseball so much he wrestles in an old-timey pinstripe uniform and paints his face to look like a baseball.</p><p> </p><p>

Larry Lightning - What he lacks in wrestling skill, he makes up for in strutting, gravelly-voiced promos, feather boas, and neon-colored tights. Should have been a 1980s Memphis guy.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Bottom row:</strong></p><p>

Mime Scene - A parody of hardcore wrestler Crime Scene, Mime Scene comes to the ring with a trash can full of "weapons" (really toys and weird props) and wrestles with a loop of his theme music, "Natural Born Killaz," playing continuously in the arena.</p><p> </p><p>


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<p>The WHAT Heels!</p><p> </p><p>

Not to be outdone, here are WHAT's heels!</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Top row, L-R:</strong></p><p>

Bones Fandango - A weasely spirit medium who summons the spirits of the dead to help him win matches. He's a jerk.</p><p> </p><p>

Leopard Cohen - A sleazy masked lounge singer who wears WAY too much baby oil and fake tan. Like, to the point where it's a concern.</p><p> </p><p>

White Shadow - A silent pervert who skeezes out all of the girls (and most of the dudes) in WHAT. Likes feet.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Middle row, L-R:</strong></p><p>

Soul Beetle #1 - A problematic wrestler who thinks that wearing a black mask makes him "down with the struggle." It's really awkward and he's a jerk on top of that.</p><p> </p><p>

Dung Beetle - Soul Beetle's gross, smelly tag team partner. </p><p> </p><p>

Elexa - She's hot, she knows it, and she's really rude and unpleasant about it.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Bottom row, L-R:</strong></p><p>

Canadian Wildman - A very problematic young man who trolls the audience and his opponents in the most offensive way possible, knowing that he's big enough to bully anyone who calls him out on it.</p><p> </p><p>

Tuff Enuff Talwar - A total wuss who screams like a girl every single time he gets chopped.</p><p> </p><p>

"The Marxist Mummy" Tutankhammunist - A loudmouthed, pushy Egyptian mummy with fringe Communist beliefs; he even hands out a badly-Xeroxed newsletter! He also books the promotion, believe it or not.</p><p> </p><p>


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<blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-username="Poputt" data-cite="Poputt" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="43122" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div>So this is just T-Verse Hoodslam?</div></blockquote><p> </p><p> Yeah, with some Interspecies Wrestling thrown in for good measure.</p>
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<p>How this dynasty is going to work!</p><p> </p><p>

Okay, so I've never done one of these before, but I've always wanted to try out this kind of promotion and this was the best way to force myself to do it.</p><p> </p><p>

Anyway, WHAT is a touring promotion that runs a small weekly show (the "Freakly Weekly") in three-month "seasons," with a big show at the end of each tour. I'm almost done with the first season now, and will be posting cards & results shortly. Graphics/picture content will be minimal, and results will be given as Scott Keith-style recaps, rather than written out play-by-play from the announce team.</p><p> </p><p>

Here's the card for the first WHAT Freakly Weekly, from Week 1 February 2016:</p><p> </p><p>

</p><ul><li>Spitball Spurlock v. Tuff Enuff Talwar for the UPGI Tuberheavyweight title!<br /></li><li>Beetlemania (Dung Beetle/Soul Beetle #1) v. Larry Lightning and Duane Grill for the WHAT 'Murican Tag titles!<br /></li><li>Mime Scene v. Tutankhammunist!<br /></li><li>Blue Ferrigno v. Leopard Cohen v. White Shadow v. Panda Beer<br /></li><li>Elexa Rowland open challenge match!<br /></li><li>Apache Chef v. Bones Fandango for the WHAT Internet title!<br /></li></ul><p></p>

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<blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-username="combinethresher" data-cite="combinethresher" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="43122" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div><p> </p><p> Here's the card for the first WHAT Freakly Weekly, from Week 1 February 2016:</p><p> </p><p> </p><ul><li>Spitball Spurlock v. Tuff Enuff Talwar for the UPGI Tuberheavyweight title!<br /></li><li>Beetlemania (Dung Beetle/Soul Beetle #1) v. Larry Lightning and Duane Grill for the WHAT 'Murican Tag titles!<br /></li><li>Mime Scene v. Tutankhammunist!<br /></li><li>Blue Ferrigno v. Leopard Cohen v. White Shadow v. Panda Beer<br /></li><li>Elexa Rowland open challenge match!<br /></li><li>Apache Chef v. Bones Fandango for the WHAT Internet title!<br /></li></ul><p></p></div></blockquote><p> </p><p> <strong>WHAT Freakly Weekly #1 Recap!</strong> (Attendance: 10 - 3 paid)</p><p> </p><p> Lead commentator Jerome Stallings welcomes the fans with a few minutes of standup, then brings out Bones Fandango, who looks like a child mortician and claims that he can channel the spirits of the dead, and that they will lead him to the WHAT Internet title. This brings out Apache Chef, aka a guy in Native American warpaint with a chef's hat and apron, who angrily claims that a) that's cheating, and b) it's also disrespectful to the dead, which Chef won't tolerate as long as he's the WHAT Internet champion. This weird argument leads to a shoving match that Stallings has to break up.</p><p> </p><p> <strong>"The Baseball Fury" Spitball Spurlock</strong> (UPGI Tuberheavyweight champ) <strong>v. Tuff Enuff Talwar</strong></p><p> </p><p> The announcers go over the history of the UPGI title, noting that the champion represents not just Idaho potatoes, but the state's entire agricultural industry Anyway, this is kind of a comedy match, but kind of not. Tuff Enuff hates being chopped, so of course that happens immediately, and he screams like a girl with each one. At one point, Spitball hangs Talwar in the corner and does a "runs the bases" spot into a baseball slide. Talwar's offense is a lot of holds and mat wrestling stuff, which the commentary points out is to minimize his chances of getting punched or chopped. It ultimately doesn't work, because Spitball comes back and plants him with an RBI for the win. (Winner - Spitball Spurlock)</p><p> </p><p> Canadian Wildman comes out wearing a Chilliwack shirt, doing his best to be as Canadian as possible. He cuts a promo that quickly turns into an insane rant about America stealing Tim Horton's and filling their donuts with "*** sugar" that makes people fat and stupid. Bones Fandango thankfully drags him backstage to end the segment.</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Beetlemania</strong> (WHAT 'Merica Tag Team champs) <strong>v. Larry Lightning and Duane Grill </strong></p><p> Soul Beetle #1 comes out wearing a James Brown shirt, and Duane Grill seriously walks out from behind the concession stand, where he was grilling burgers to wrestle. The crowd immediately shits on poor Duane, who gets jumped by the Beetles and worked over for the heat segment. When Larry tags in, it's hiptosses and bodyslams for everyone! He also requests that they play his entrance music (Andrea True's "More More More") so he can strut for the fans, but gets blitzed by Dung Beetle (who smells like a Civil War hospital, according to commentary) and laid out with a Bug Bomb. (winners - Beetlemania)</p><p> </p><p> The lights go out in the arena and the opening to Ice Cube and Dr. Dre's "Natural Born Killaz" starts playing, only to cut abruptly to Len's "Steal My Sunshine" as Mime Scene comes to the ring with a trash can full of weird toys and props, throwing it into the ring a la hardcore wrestler Crime Scene. The commentary predicts that Mime Scene will "die violently" if Crime Scene ever finds out about this.</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Mime Scene v. "The Marxist Mummy" Tutankhammunist</strong></p><p> This is a pure comedy match, and commentary spends a lot of it reading from the badly-Xeroxed pamphlet they got from Tutankhammunist, who passed them out during his entrance. Mime Scene uses a lot of his "weapons" in the match, the weirdest of which is a vinyl record of Phil Collins' <em>No Jacket Required</em>, and pins him quickly after a Shhhhhh-ining Wizard. (winner - Mime Scene)</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Blue Ferrigno v. Leopard Cohen v. White Shadow v. Panda Beer</strong></p><p> Panda comes to the ring drinking a Sheep Eater Scotch Ale. Leopard Cohen is in full 1970s lounge lizard mode here, applying baby oil and playing to the crowd until Blue punches him in the face. The rest of the match is a mix of comedy and attempts at serious wrestling from Panda and White Shadow, who commentary describes as a "a future champion and Megan's Law violator." He almost wins with an Oklahoma Roll on Cohen, but gets clotheslined right out of the ring by Blue, who finishes off Cohen with a Blue Thunder Bomb. (winner - Blue Ferrigno)</p><p> </p><p> After the match, Blue stops by the concession stand to buy a hot dog and also sell a bag of weed to Duane Grill.</p><p> </p><p> Elexa Rowland comes to the ring in suggestive ring gear. "If those shorts were cut any lower, they'd be socks," says Stallings on commentary. Elexa cuts a heel promo about how hot she is and challenges someone from the crowd to come wrestle her. Clearly, she thought attendance would be higher. Anyway, a suspiciously attractive lady in the crowd accepts her challenge, and a match is made!</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Elexa Rowland v. Isis</strong></p><p> This is a total eye candy match that gets the loudest and most passionate crowd response of the night. "We should rename this company Pearls Before Swine Wrestling," Stallings says on commentary. Elexa wins with a roll up, pulling Isis' thong damn near out of her jeggings for the victory. (winner - Elexa Rowland)</p><p> </p><p> Bones Fandago comes to the ring and does his pre-match spirit medium shtick, but the crowd isn't really interacting much with him and one of them straight up calls him a "f*ggot," which cracks the commentary team up. "At least he's got heat," Stallings says.</p><p> </p><p> <strong>Bones Fandango v. Apache Chef</strong> (WHAT Internet champ) </p><p> Main event time! Apache Chef comes out with a pie, which he leaves on the timekeeper's table before the bell rings. Chef gets the early advantage, but freaks out when Fandango starts speaking in tongues, which puts Bones in the driver's seat. Bones spends the entire heat segment yelling out the names of dead wrestlers and using their moves/holds, basically doing a series of impressions; his Bam Bam Fulton is pretty good. They eventually brawl out to the floor, where Bones grabs the pie and tries to hit Chef in the face with it, but Chef loses his temper, hits Bones in the face with the pie, rolls him back into the ring, and pins him. (winner - Apache Chef)</p><p> </p><p> Overall Show Rating: D-</p>
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Hello, readers! I'll be posting the second WHAT card and results later today. I've played through the first season entirely now, and let's just say that I've learned a LOT about the limitations of comedy wrestling.


On the positive side, you've gained experience such that you could put in an application for the head booker of CHIKARA next time the position comes open :)

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On the positive side, you've gained experience such that you could put in an application for the head booker of CHIKARA next time the position comes open :)


My next steps for WHAT are to run the same "invasion" storyline three times in a row. then shut down the promotion for a year just as it starts to gain real momentum.


I mean, I still enjoy CHIKARA but expecting me to cheer Icarus was a bridge too far.

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Oh and also here's the card for the second WHAT Freakly Weekly, from Week 2 February 2016. Again, results will be posted later today.


  • White Shadow v. Brandon Morgan!
  • Blue Ferrigno v. Tuff Enuff Talwar!
  • Spitball Spurlock v. Canadian Wildman v. Larry Lightning v. Tutankhammunist for the UPGI Tuberheavyweight title!
  • Beetlemania (Dung Beetle/Soul Beetle #1) v. Duane Grill and Panda Beer for the WHAT 'Murican Tag Team titles!
  • Elexa Rowland open challenge match!
  • Apache Chef v. Leopard Cohen for the WHAT Internet title!

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<p><strong>WHAT Freakly Weekly #2 Recap!</strong> (Attendance: 10 - 3 paid)</p><p> </p><p>

Lead commentator Jerome Stallings welcomes the fans with a few minutes of standup, then brings out Beetlemania for an interview. Soul Beetle #1 quotes as many rap songs as he can think of and calls Stallings "whitey," while Dung Beetle--who is dressed kind of like Booger from Revenge of the Nerds--tries his best to look disgusting. Stallings closes the interview by saying that Dung Beetle "smalls like a dog dying out of its own asshole" and returns to the commentary desk.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>White Shadow v. Brandon Morgan </strong></p><p>

White Shadow takes an upskirt photo of an obvious plant in the audience during his entrance. Brandon Morgan is a normal wrestler who does not know what to make of WHAT's atmosphere. "He's probably used to people actually showing up when he wrestles," cracks Stallings. They have a decent opening match, with some comedy; at one point Shadow tries to put a pair of ladies' underwear on Morgan's head, and Morgan tears them off and throws them out of the ring, yelling "oh COME ON!" Shadow responds "yeah, I did," then hits him with a Bareback Drop Driver for the pin. (winner - White Shadow)</p><p> </p><p>

Backstage, Bones Fandango complains about Apache Chef to Blue Ferrigno, claiming that he will raise "1000 of Hell's most unconscionable souls" to "rip Apache Chef asunder." Blue interrupts him to ask if he's there to buy drugs or not, and Bones sheepishly buys a dimebag and leaves.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Blue Ferrigno v. Tuff Enuff Talwar</strong></p><p>

Another lightly comedic match here, as the referee finds a one-hitter on Blue while patting him down, and pockets it before calling for the bell. Tuff does what he can to avoid physical pain of any kind, but Blue eventually corners him and chops the hell out of him. Tuff briefly gets another short heat segment after Blue gets distracted selling weed to commentator Marcus Mitchell, but Blue recovers quickly and hits a Blue Thunder Bomb for the win. (winner - Blue Ferrigno)</p><p> </p><p>

Canadian Wildman comes out wearing a Tragically Hip t-shirt and cuts another ranting promo on the crowd, telling them that they "smell like minorities" and that they're "degenerate f*cking apes who aren't capable of democracy." Apache Chef comes out to stop his tirade and pulls him back into the locker room area.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>"The Baseball Fury" Spitball Spurlock</strong> (UPGI Tuberheavyweight champ) <strong>v. Tutankhammunist v. Canadian Wildman v. Larry Lightning</strong></p><p>

Larry struts around the ring to start, playing to the crowd until Wildman punches him in the face. From there, Spitball, Larry, and Tutankhammunist supply the comedy, and Wildman keeps on punching faces. He almost wins with an "Ottawa" Roll on Larry, but gets dropkicked right out of the ring by Spitball, who finishes off Tutakhammunist with a RBI. (winner - Spitball Spurlock)</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Beetlemania</strong> (WHAT 'Merica Tag Team champs) <strong>v. Panda Beer and Duane Grill </strong></p><p>

Duane comes out from the concession stand again, and is mercilessly booed by the crowd again. Panda buys a beer from the empty concession stand and just leaves the money on the counter before hitting the ring. There's a comedic thread of Grill needing to wash his hands every time he wrestles Dung Beetle, but otherwise this is a fairly straightforward tag match that Soul Beetle wins with a Bug Bomb on Duane. (winners - Beetlemania)</p><p> </p><p>

Elexa Rowland comes to the ring and lays out the same challenge as before, and this time the same lady who got skeeved on by White Shadow accepts the challenge.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Elexa Rowland v. Angelina Texas</strong></p><p>

Angelina is a half-decent luchador, but the fans just want to see a catfight, which is what they get. Elexa wins by pulling Angelina's shirt up over her head and rolling her up for the pin. (winner - Elexa Rowland)</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Apache Chef</strong> (WHAT Internet champion) <strong>v. Leopard Cohen</strong></p><p>

A pretty straightforward main event match, although so much of Cohen's spray tan rubs off on Chef's white outfit that it cracks Stallings up on commentary. Chef brought a baguette to the ring, and the match ends with Cohen grabbing it and trying to use it, only for Chef to grab it and break it over his head. "That thing's stale! Leopard could be dead!" Chef gets the pin from that to win. (winner - Apache Chef)</p><p> </p><p>

Apache Chef is celebrating his victory, when he is attacked from behind by Bones Fandango, who takes a picture of the broken baguette for his Instagram account. "No! You'll steal its soul!" Chef yells, and tries to fight back, but Bones DDTs him and leaves the ring to end the show.</p><p> </p><p>

Overall show rating: D-</p>

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