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The Hitchhiker's Guide to Wrestlemania


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WCW SATURDAY NIGHT

December, Week 1, 1990.

 

Jim Ross and Jim Cornette welcomed us to the show and sent us straight to the ring, where goth-ass Dustin Rhodes successfully defended his WCW TV title against a game Scott Steiner.

GRADE: 68

 

Dusty Rhodes came to ringside to plead with his son to talk to him. He was promptly jumped by Kevin Sullivan, Vader, and the Gunslinger. Dustin appeared to feel nothing as his dad got beaten down.

GRADE: 77

 

The Magnum Talent Agency (young Magnum clients Owen Hart and Brian Pillman) made short work of the Nasty Boys.

GRADE: 60

 

Our next match was a back-and-forth contest between Sting and Curt Hennig. As usual, Hennig was accompanied by “Billion Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase and his bodyguard Bruiser Brody. DiBiase seemed distracted with the announcers commenting on the rich man’s recent losing streak. Eventually, Sting gained control and cinched Hennig into the Scorpion Deathlock, only for Brody to interrupt the match with a big boot. Sting won by DQ.

GRADE: 73

 

The Ultimate Warrior sprinted to ringside to even the odds, helping Sting fight off Brody and Hennig. They shook the ropes in celebration.

GRADE: 69

 

Harley Race arrived at the announce desk for an interview with Jim Ross. Asked what he thought of WCW so far, Race snorted. “All I see around here are a bunch of freaks in face paint. No one can wrestle at my level.”

GRADE: 83

 

In an even match, Kevin Von Erich defeated Ted DiBiase, extending the Billion Dollar Man’s losing streak.

GRADE: 81

 

Kevin Sullivan defeated Manny Fernandez, showcasing his viciousness throughout.

GRADE: 67

 

As Sullivan made his exit, he was approached by DiBiase. Showering Sullivan with bills, DiBiase begged for a sample of Fuji’s magic. “I saw how it worked on that little punk Dustin! I need some of that, man. Name your price!” Smiling (in an evil way), Sullivan shook DiBiase’s hand.

GRADE: 68

 

Ahead of the main event, the Enforcers arrived with Kerry Von Erich. KVE refused to address the fans, so Arn and Tully did the talking. They described Flair as washed-up, talked about how the Horsemen always needed to carry him, and mentioned what an injustice it is that Kerry hasn’t gotten a shot at the World title since Flair won it.

GRADE: 80

 

The main event featured KVE and the Enforcers against Flair, Lex Luger, and Barry Windham. Flair came out with something to prove. KVE, meanwhile, tagged out whenever Flair got in there, purposely avoiding the champ to get under his skin. Luger got a good run and, although he wasn’t the focus of the match, appeared to be incredibly over with the fans. In the end, Von Erich got Barry Windham locked in the Iron Claw to pick up the win. He stared down Flair as he squeezed Windham's brain into shutdown.

GRADE: 88

 

OVERALL GRADE: 84

 

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NEXT SATURDAY NIGHT!

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Lex Luger does battle with “The Billion Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase! Can DiBiase end his losing streak against the Total Package? Did he make a deal with the devil by approaching Kevin Sullivan? Can money truly buy anything including supernatural serums extracted from an evil glacier? Find out next week!

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Lets face it the era is full of guys who could go off the rails at a moments notice.

 

Very true! I will say that Kerry is lucky to be in WCW, which I run with a more corporate attitude -- stricter rules, fines for users, etc. Meanwhile, in WWF, I've had the dirty doctor active and won't turn it off until some kind of scandal bites them. My boys need their juice!

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Very true! I will say that Kerry is lucky to be in WCW, which I run with a more corporate attitude -- stricter rules, fines for users, etc. Meanwhile, in WWF, I've had the dirty doctor active and won't turn it off until some kind of scandal bites them. My boys need their juice!

 

Shouldn't it be the other way around. WCW is to wellness policies as Germany in the 30's was to world peace.

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Shouldn't it be the other way around. WCW is to wellness policies as Germany in the 30's was to world peace.

 

Haha -- just to be clear, neither company has any drug testing policy. I've just been stricter with punishment when playing as WCW, particularly when I was using Watts. Around this time, he was pretty seriously trying to get a drug testing policy off the ground there. WCW also doesn't have a dirty doctor, which is basically in the game to simulate Dr. Zahorian in WWF. So it's a safer space for a guy like Kerry.

 

In this timeline, Duggan and Sheik never got busted for drugs in '87 (so WWF never banned coke backstage), no one has gotten outed for steroids or OD'd. There's a pre-built narrative about Zahorian in the database that I've removed; I intend to keep dirty doctoring until the game busts me.

 

Welcome to the druggiest timeline.

 

OH! And thank you for the noms, Alpha!

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<blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-username="MainOffender" data-cite="MainOffender" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="47165" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div>Haha -- just to be clear, neither company has any drug testing policy. I've just been stricter with punishment when playing as WCW, particularly when I was using Watts. Around this time, he was pretty seriously trying to get a drug testing policy off the ground there. WCW also doesn't have a dirty doctor, which is basically in the game to simulate Dr. Zahorian in WWF. So it's a safer space for a guy like Kerry. <p> </p><p> In this timeline, Duggan and Sheik never got busted for drugs in '87 (so WWF never banned coke backstage), no one has gotten outed for steroids or OD'd. There's a pre-built narrative about Zahorian in the database that I've removed; I intend to keep dirty doctoring until the game busts me. </p><p> </p><p> Welcome to the druggiest timeline.</p><p> </p><p> OH! And thank you for the noms, Alpha!</p></div></blockquote><p> </p><p> Well deserved noms. This is a great concept and really well executed.</p>
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WCW SATURDAY NIGHT

December, Week 2, 1990.

 

The Jims welcomed us and tossed it to the ring where Kerry Von Erich defeated Scott Steiner in a fairly one-sided match. KVE looked like a cold-blooded killer, finishing Steiner with the Iron Claw.

GRADE: 79

 

The Enforcers once again joined Kerry Von Erich at ringside, hyping up KVE as the future of the company. Von Erich glowered in the corner. Notably, Kerry has begun carrying a locked metal briefcase around with him. It goes entirely unexplained.

GRADE: 78

 

The Enforcers stuck around to win a match against the new tag-team of Them Good Ol’ Boys when Blanchard pinned Bob Holly after a piledriver. The NASCAR lovin’ southerners did have some bright spots, although Steve Austin definitely looked better than Holly.

GRADE: 73

 

TV Champion Dustin Rhodes appeared to cut a promo on his father, but was swiftly interrupted by crazy Cactus Jack. “I heard you like random acts of violence! Me too! BANG BANG!” After dropping Dustin, the scruffy hero Cactus Jack took off into the crowd, a few steps ahead of the Lords of the White Castle. It’s clear that Jack wants his TV title back.

GRADE: 68

 

Owen Hart defeated the masked Japanese sensation the Pegasus Kid. Magnum TA rooted Owen on from ringside.

GRADE: 62

 

We cut to the Money Inc locker room where Ted DiBiase caressed an ornate vial of mysterious serum obtained from Mr. Fuji. Bruiser Brody and Curt Hennig are like “okay, boss, good luck with all that.”

GRADE: 87

 

In an even match, Brian Pillman defeated former Cruiserweight champion Eddie Gilbert with a diving cross-body. That made Magnum’s clients 2-for-2 on the night.

GRADE: 74

 

Backstage, Cruiserweight champion Ricky Morton pulled Magnum TA aside. “Both your boys look good, Magnum. I’d be happy to give either one of them a title shot.”

GRADE: 67

 

The Blade Runners cut a promo. The Ultimate Warrior ranted about how he can body press Bruiser Brody just as easily as he can rocket into the 5th dimension which… I guess is easy? After Warrior shouted his peace, Sting called out Harley Race. “You think we can’t hang in the ring, dude? Come on down and see what we do to Brody and Hennig tonight!”

GRADE: 77

 

Harley Race obliged Sting, showing up to do commentary for the Blade Runners versus Hennig and Brody. Toward the end of the match, Brody and Warrior brawled around ringside, neither man legal. As the ref tried to regain control, Race left commentary to blast Sting with a forearm. Hennig then hooked in a Perfect Plex for the win.

GRADE: 78

 

Backstage, Kevin Von Erich tracked down the Lords of White Castle. Von Erich accused Kevin Sullivan of somehow corrupting his brother, just like he had Dustin Rhodes and the Gunslinger. “I enjoy your brother’s black energy, but it has nothing to do with me, you mewling normal.” At that point, Dusty Rhodes burst in to get himself a piece, roping Kevin into a brawl against Sullivan and Vader.

GRADE: 77

 

Ric Flair cut a scathing promo on Kerry Von Erich, claiming that he’s seen a dozen guys like Von Erich come and go during his seven reigns as World Champion. Flair understood why a scumbag like Blanchard would align with KVE, but was heartbroken about Arn’s betrayal. “I treated you like a little brother, Arn! If you got any backbone left, you’ll meet me in the ring next week – WOO! – so we can straighten this out like family.”

GRADE: 100

 

In our main event, “Billion Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase took on Lex Luger. While the match was evenly contested, Fuji’s serum seemed to do little for DiBiase besides dye his lips blue. He was not impervious to pain and eventually forced to submit to the Torture Rack.

GRADE: 81

 

 

OVERALL GRADE: 85

 

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NEXT SATURDAY NIGHT!

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They used to be as close as brothers! Now, Ric Flair and Arn Anderson are at odds. With a match against Kerry Von Erich looming at Starrcade, can Flair prove he’s still got it against his former best friend?

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WCW SATURDAY NIGHT

December, Week 3, 1990.

 

A fired-up Dusty Rhodes arrived in-ring with Kevin Von Erich to challenge the Lords of the White Castle to a match at Starrcade. “You boys took our families from us! The least we can do is take them tag titles!” Kevin Sullivan, Vader, and Mr. Fuji arrived to answer, but were interrupted almost immediately by an irate “Billion Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase in full speak-to-your-manager mode.

 

“You sold me snake oil, Fuji!” Mr. Fuji denied this, explaining that the serum was perfectly impure and distilled from run-off of the glacial waters of the Mountain of Madness. But, powers are gained from the corrupting of one’s soul, so for a “soulless capitalist” like DiBiase… results may vary.

 

Tired of all this talk, Kevin Sullivan granted Rhodes his chance at revenge, but not alongside Von Erich. “If you want a match with us at Starrcade, Rhodes, I want you to truly suffer. I want you to team with the RICH MAN.”

GRADE: 89

 

Cactus Jack defeated the Iron Sheik with a double-arm DDT.

GRADE: 71

 

Grabbing a mic, Cactus Jack promised Dustin Rhodes all the pain and suffering he could want at Starrcade. He then high-tailed it as Dustin arrived with the Gunslinger.

GRADE: 73

 

The Taken (the team of Dustin Rhodes and the Gunslinger) defeated Them Good Ol’ Boys (Bob Holly and Steve Austin) in a one-sided match.

GRADE: 61

 

Dusty Rhodes confronted Ted DiBiase backstage, frustrated that he was being forced to team with the man whose brutal beating drove his son to the dark side in the first place. “I know you hate me, Dream, but I despise those freaks just as much as you. There’s no money in magic and eye shadow.”

GRADE: 87

 

In a match to determine who’d receive the shot at Ricky Morton at Starrcade, Brian Pillman defeated Own Hart after a hard fought match.

GRADE: 87

 

Hart looked majorly frustrated after the match, but after some encouraging words from Magnum TA, he eventually shook hands with Pillman.

GRADE: 62

 

Bruiser Brody & Curt Hennig (without the services of DiBiase, who had other things on his mind) defeated The Skulls (Haku and Bam Bam Bigelow) in a tough battle.

GRADE: 74

 

Kevin Von Erich arrived for a match with local talent, but before the contest could begin it was interrupted by Kerry Von Erich. Kerry confronted Kevin over his older brother’s belief that he’d been influenced by the Lords of White Castle. “You think I’m evil? Because I’m tired of eating Flair’s scraps? Because I’m tired of paying dues to these Georgia scumbags? Where’s your backbone, brother?” Kerry then laid out his brother with the steel reinforced briefcase he’s been carrying.

GRADE: 86

 

The Blade Runners defeated the Garvins. Sting and Warrior looked great, although you wouldn’t know it from the way guest commentator Harley Race crapped all over them.

GRADE: 72

 

On his way to the ring, Ric Flair had some words for Arn Anderson and Kerry Von Erich. He saw the Von Erich on Von Erich violence earlier and said it looked to him like Kerry’s been partying too hard. “The Nature Boy has been there – WOO!” He told Kerry not to worry, “after I teach Arn a lesson in the ring, he’ll still be back at the hotel to hold your hair back, kid.”

GRADE: 100

 

Ric Flair and Arn Anderson engaged in a back-and-forth match. Anderson knew all of Flair’s tricks, so he was able to dominate for long stretches. Ultimately, though, Flair turned the tables and submitted Arn with a Figure Four.

GRADE: 84

 

As soon as the match was over, Tully Blanchard jumped into the ring and the two Enforcers put a beating on Flair. Lex Luger and Barry Windham charged to the ring to make the save. Kerry Von Erich came on stage to watch the brawl, staring down Flair.

GRADE: 85

 

 

 

OVERALL GRADE: 86

 

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NEXT SATURDAY NIGHT!

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On the eve of Starrcade, Bruiser Brody takes on Sting in the main event! And, Kerry Von Erich and Ric Flair sign the contract for their World Heavyweight title match!

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WCW SATURDAY NIGHT

December, Week 4, 1990.

 

In our opening match, Kevin Von Erich defeated promising rookie Eddie Guerrero. Von Erich looked distracted throughout; the beating he endured last week at the hands of his own brother clearly weighed heavily on him.

GRADE: 75

 

Before Kevin could make his exit, the lights dimmed and the supernatural Gunslinger arrived. “You made a grave mistake, Von Erich, accusing the Lords of White Castle of corrupting your brother. At Starrcade, you will pay for your insolence.”

GRADE: 75

 

A mere 24 hours before Brian Pillman’s shot at Ricky Morton for the Cruiserweight title, the Magnum Talent Agency took on the Rock N Roll Express. Pillman and Owen Hart miscommunicated throughout the match, with Owen often refusing to tag out so that he could prove himself against Morton. Hart eventually lost after a double dropkick.

GRADE: 81

 

Curt Hennig defeated Cactus Jack with a Perfect-Plex. The tide turned here after Dustin Rhodes distracted Jack.

GRADE: 77

 

Lex Luger & Barry Windham defeated the Garvins.

GRADE: 81

 

The Enforcers issued a stern warning for Luger & Windham. Arn and Tully are sick and tired of Luger and Windham meddling in their business and promise to whip some manners into them at Starrcade.

GRADE: 93

 

Backstage, Dusty Rhodes and Ted DiBiase uncomfortably shared a locker room. DiBiase, warming up for his match with Vader in a few moments, asked Dusty if he would watch his back. “I gave my usual bodyguard the night off…” Rhodes replied that he’ll never be on DiBiase’s payroll, but that he’ll be in his corner because of how much he hates Kevin Sullivan.

GRADE: 74

 

Having Dusty in his corner didn’t end DiBiase’s losing streak. Despite a valiant effort – if your definition of valiant is repeatedly fleeing to the outside – DiBiase eventually fell to a Vader Bomb.

GRADE: 70

 

The Lords of White Castle were joined by the Gunslinger to put a beating on Ted and Dusty. Dustin Rhodes got on the mic during the attack, ranting about how Ted and Dusty had brought this on themselves. “You think I’m brainwashed?! Because I don’t want to be a corporate shill or a blubbery clown capering for these unenlightened fans? In the White Castle of Terror, I’m free to express myself!” Dustin then applied some of his black lipstick to his unconscious father.

GRADE: 83

 

In an exciting main event, Bruiser Brody defeated Sting with a big boot after Harley Race interfered. Sting held his own throughout the match and looked seconds away from beating Brody before Race interjected.

GRADE: 87

 

The Warrior attempted to save his partner, but when Curt Hennig also joined the fray, the Blade Runners found themselves on the wrong side of a 3-on-2 assault. After dispatching the Warrior, Brody and Hennig held Sting while Harley Race wiped off his face paint.

GRADE: 82

 

Finally, Ric Flair and Kerry Von Erich came to the ring to sign the contract for tomorrow night’s World Heavyweight title match. Von Erich was all business, again carrying his mysterious briefcase. Of course, Flair tried to get under his challenger’s skin: “To be the man, you’ve gotta beat the man…” Etc. Things took a turn for the personal when Flair referenced his days as a hard partyer. “Nights when the best champagne money could buy flowed like water and the finest women from across these 50 states lined up around the block… and the next morning, I rolled out of bed and went back to work. I never missed a show. Never botched a match…”

 

In response, Kerry slapped the sunglasses off Ric’s face. As security held the two apart, Von Erich said simply: “I’m gonna destroy you.”

GRADE: 100

 

OVERALL GRADE: 88

 

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FOR THE WCW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP

“The Nature Boy” Ric Flair © vs Kerry Von Erich

 

FOR THE WCW UNITED STATES TITLE

The Ultimate Warrior © vs Bruiser Brody

 

FOR THE WCW WORLD TAG TEAM TITLES

Lords of the White Castle © (w/ Mr. Fuji) vs “The American Dream” Dusty Rhodes & “Billion Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase

 

FOR THE WCW CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE

Ricky Morton © vs “Flyin’” Brian Pillman (w/ Magnum TA)

 

FOR THE WCW TV TITLE

Dustin Rhodes © (w/ Mr. Fuji) vs Cactus Jack

 

FACE PAINTED FREAKS CAN’T WRESTLE

Harley Race vs Sting

 

GRUDGE MATCH!

Barry Windham & Lex Luger vs The Enforcers

 

HIGH NOON AT THE SPOOKY CORRAL

The Gunslinger (w/ Mr. Fuji) vs Kevin Von Erich

 

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PREDICTION FRIENDLY VERSION:

Flair vs Kerry

Warrior vs Brody

White Castle vs Dusty/DiBiase

Morton vs Pillman

Dustin vs Cactus

Race vs Sting

Windham/Lex vs Enforcers

Gunslinger vs Kevin

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PREDICTION FRIENDLY VERSION:

Flair vs Kerry

Warrior vs Brody

White Castle vs Dusty/DiBiase

Morton vs Pillman

Dustin vs Cactus

Race vs Sting

Windham/Lex vs Enforcers

Gunslinger vs Kevin

 

My take here is that the heels are going to triumph at the end of the show so the mid-card faces need to get wins.

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FOR THE WCW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP

“The Nature Boy” Ric Flair © vs Kerry Von Erich

 

FOR THE WCW UNITED STATES TITLE

The Ultimate Warrior © vs Bruiser Brody

 

FOR THE WCW WORLD TAG TEAM TITLES

Lords of the White Castle © (w/ Mr. Fuji) vs “The American Dream” Dusty Rhodes & “Billion Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase

 

FOR THE WCW CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE

Ricky Morton © vs “Flyin’” Brian Pillman (w/ Magnum TA)

 

FOR THE WCW TV TITLE

Dustin Rhodes © (w/ Mr. Fuji) vs Cactus Jack

 

FACE PAINTED FREAKS CAN’T WRESTLE

Harley Race vs Sting

 

GRUDGE MATCH!

Barry Windham & Lex Luger vs The Enforcers

 

HIGH NOON AT THE SPOOKY CORRAL

The Gunslinger (w/ Mr. Fuji) vs Kevin Von Erich

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FOR THE WCW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP

“The Nature Boy” Ric Flair © vs Kerry Von Erich

 

FOR THE WCW UNITED STATES TITLE

The Ultimate Warrior © vs Bruiser Brody

 

FOR THE WCW WORLD TAG TEAM TITLES

Lords of the White Castle © (w/ Mr. Fuji) vs “The American Dream” Dusty Rhodes & “Billion Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase

FOR THE WCW CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE

Ricky Morton © vs “Flyin’” Brian Pillman (w/ Magnum TA)

 

FOR THE WCW TV TITLE

Dustin Rhodes © (w/ Mr. Fuji) vs Cactus Jack

 

FACE PAINTED FREAKS CAN’T WRESTLE

Harley Race vs Sting

 

GRUDGE MATCH!

Barry Windham & Lex Luger vs The Enforcers

 

HIGH NOON AT THE SPOOKY CORRAL

The Gunslinger (w/ Mr. Fuji) vs Kevin Von Erich

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