The Hitchhiker's Guide to Wrestlemania

MainOffender · March 6, 2020

PRIME TIME WRESTLING

March, Week 2, 1991.

Hulk Hogan started the show, coming to the ring without any of his fellow Mega Powers. The Hulkster explained that seeing his old rival Andre the Giant retire changed something in him. It reminded him of the last time he truly felt like himself – back when he fought Andre at WrestleMania III. Hogan called that match his last honest win. He admitted to making some mistakes over the last few years, but said that he’d missed all his Hulkamaniacs. He couldn’t stand to see Andre taken out by some bullies…

Hogan was interrupted by Nikita Koloff, Randy Savage, Ms. Elizabeth, and Jimmy Hart. “I don’t like what I’m hearing, comrade. You did not clear this speech with The Mega Power.” Hogan told Koloff that he could keep The Mega Power nickname, he was done with it. As Hogan made his exit, Koloff raised the WWF title, shouting about how great he was and how they didn’t need Hogan. Koloff then thrust the title at Elizabeth and insisted she strap it around his waist.

Of course, Macho Man blindsided Koloff and wildly pummeled him until officials pulled them apart.

GRADE: 100

The Socratic Method defeated the Rougeaus. The Socratic Method are the team of The Genius (Lanny Poffo) and The Scholar (Scott Levy) playing pretentious intellectuals.

GRADE: 52

Doom are interviewed backstage, still hyped after their victory last week. As soon as Butch Reed wondered aloud who their next challengers would be, Doom were jumped by two huge men – “Dangerous” Danny Spivey and Sid Vicious. With Doom laid out, Slick emerged to celebrate with his new clients The Skyscrapers. “Told you suckers I’d be back!”

GRADE: 80

The Warlord defeated Adrian Adonis. Once again, the Warlord refused to relinquish the Full Nelson until rendering Adonis unconscious.

GRADE: 79

After seeing two members of the Kings Club taken out, Intercontinental champion Brutus Beefcake called out The Warlord. “I got your message, baldy! Let’s go!”

GRADE: 64

Jake Roberts and Terry Funk defeated the makeshift team of Tito Santana and Don Muraco.

GRADE: 83

Good Cop Bad Guy showed up to serve Roberts and Funk with warrants for crimes against the squared circle and illegal wild life trade. A brawl resulted, with Razor and Boss Man eventually chasing off the heels. Ramon looked a little woozy out there and flubbed some lines.

GRADE: 54

Ricky Steamboat defeated Bad News Brown.

GRADE: 82

After the match, Steamboat gladly accepted the challenge Bret Hart made last week.

GRADE: 85

Speaking of accepting challenges, Alundra Blayze announced that she wanted to face Itsuki Yamazaki at WrestleMania.

GRADE: 59

The Repo Man defeated Shane Douglas. Tina Ferrari did commentary during the match, explaining how she hired the Repo Man to get what she’s owed from Davey Boy Smith. Ferrari claimed that Davey Boy borrowed money from her when they were dating, wasting it all on dog food.

GRADE: 74

Backstage, as Randy Savage cleared his stuff out of the Mega Powers locker room, he was jumped by Nikita Koloff and Honky Tonk Man.

GRADE: 87

In the main event, Hulk Hogan defeated “Big” John Studd by DQ after Stan Hansen jumped into the match to attack Hogan.

GRADE: 80

In a role reversal from last week, this time it was Andre the Giant coming to the aid of Hogan. The two fought off Hansen and Studd. After a few tense moments, Hogan and Andre shook hands.

GRADE: 100

OVERALL GRADE: 87

</div>

NEXT TIME! ON PRIME TIME WRESTLING...

VS

Two of the dirtiest dudes on the roster square off! Plus, Nikita Koloff addresses the rumors that he’ll defend his World Heavyweight title against Randy Savage at WrestleMania VII…

</div>

joshspicer · March 6, 2020

Oh good now Razor's deep in the sauce.

Jake vs. Razor has the chance to be an absolute disaster if fate has its way.

alpha2117 · March 8, 2020

I love Koloff - he is by all accounts one of the real good guys in wrestling and his success is a bonus. Jake vs Koloff has some appeal to be honest.

The Barber wins the workers title - AI - you are an idiot.

Valkyria · March 8, 2020

The Barber wins the workers title - AI - you are an idiot.

Makes sense to me... If sucking up to Hogen isn't hard work, I don't know what is...

alpha2117 · March 8, 2020

Makes sense to me... If sucking up to Hogen isn't hard work, I don't know what is...

:p;) True … too true

Aurora · March 8, 2020

Great stuff as always

MainOffender · March 8, 2020

<blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-username="alpha2117" data-cite="alpha2117" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="47165" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div>I love Koloff - he is by all accounts one of the real good guys in wrestling and his success is a bonus. Jake vs Koloff has some appeal to be honest. The Barber wins the workers title - AI - you are an idiot.</div></blockquote> I'm really glad you brought this up because it gives me a chance to post some stats! WWF Top Rated Psychology in 1991 (with what that # grew from in 87): Brutus Beefcake: 68 ---> 97 Ricky Steamboat: 88 ---> 93 Jake Roberts: 88 ----> 93 Hulk Hogan: 86 ---> 91 Tito Santana: 77 ---> 90 In the wider world, Flair is at 100, Shinya Hashimoto is at 99, and Akira Nogami is at 98. No one else is higher or equal. I'm not sure how this happened. Teaming with Bob Orton for years and a high destiny roll? Welcome to the new reality where there is no finer in-ring storyteller than Ed Leslie. I hate it.

alpha2117 · March 9, 2020

97 that's ludicrous but that's the game for you

Aurora · March 9, 2020

Wasn't Brutus basically a chicken with his head cut off?

MainOffender · March 9, 2020

<blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-username="alpha2117" data-cite="alpha2117" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="47165" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div>97 that's ludicrous but that's the game for you</div></blockquote> It's exactly the kind of weird alternate reality thing I was hoping for with this save! I should probably come up with something to do with Beefcake beyond "hair metal barber" to reflect his mastery of the craft. <blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-username="Aurora" data-cite="Aurora" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="47165" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div>Wasn't Brutus basically a chicken with his head cut off?</div></blockquote> I'm not sure what you mean by that but... yes? He was never one of my favorites watching as a kid and I'm not sure I can think of a single interesting match of his. For me, he's most memorable as the guy whose set got ruined by Marty Jannetty's face.

MainOffender · March 9, 2020

<div style="padding:10px; border:10px solid #3399ff; background-color: #ffffcc; max-width:1000px;margin:auto;"><div style="text-align:center;"><img alt="vaqBy4h.jpg" data-src="https://i.imgur.com/vaqBy4h.jpg" src="<___base_url___>/applications/core/interface/js/spacer.png" />

PRIME TIME WRESTLING

March, Week 3, 1991. </div>

“The Mega Power” Nikita Koloff opened the show, addressing rumors that he would defend his WWF World title against Randy Savage at WrestleMania VII. Koloff called Savage unworthy, bringing up the string of big match losses he’s suffered over the last year. “Little Macho Baby too easy to crush.”

GRADE: 100

The Warlord teamed with the effete Socratic Method to defeat Brutus Beefcake and the Rougeaus. The match ended with the Warlord rag-dolling Beefcake in a Full Nelson outside, allowing the Genius to get a pin on Jacques.

GRADE: 61

The Skyscrapers defeated Tito Santana and Shane Douglas. Slick’s new clients looked dominant.

GRADE: 63

Backstage, Doom cut a promo on the Skyscrapers. The tag champs remembered their own debut, when Slick brought them in to take out the Hart Foundation. They know all of Slick’s tricks, though, and promised that history won’t repeat itself at WrestleMania.

GRADE: 67

Hulk Hogan defeated Jim Duggan with a leg drop. The crowd was firmly behind Hogan, particularly during his rally against the vicious Duggan.

GRADE: 79

Just announced for WrestleMania VII: Hulk Hogan will team with Andre the Giant to take on Stan Hansen and “Big” John Studd in what will be Andre’s last match. Studd and Hansen appeared in a pre-recorded promo and said they’d be happy to retire both Hogan and Andre.

GRADE: 82

Davey Boy Smith defeated Koko B Ware proving the superiority of dogs over birds.

GRADE: 75

Grabbing a mic, Davey Boy Smith denied owing Tina Ferrari any money and basically called her a gold digger. This will all certainly age well. He challenged “The Repo Mate” to settle things at WrestleMania.

GRADE: 86

Ricky Steamboat and Bret Hart defeated Jim Neidhart and Bad News Brown. The two WrestleMania opponents worked exceedingly well together as a team.

GRADE: 83

After the match, Steamboat and Hart shook hands. “Maybe we should do this again some time…”

GRADE: 95

In our main event, Jake Roberts defeated Razor Ramon with a brutal DDT that looked to knock Razor unconscious… which he might have been anyway. Terry Funk and Big Boss Man interfered throughout, but the match was truly marred by Ramon clearly being wasted. Referee Dave Hebner stopped the action multiple times to check on Ramon. Somehow, Roberts was able to carry Ramon to a watchable match, with the commentary team playing Razor’s drunkenness off as a head injury.

GRADE: 89

Before the ring could clear, Randy Savage arrived on the scene. He heard Koloff’s promo earlier and… he agreed. “The Macho Man is HIS OWN HARSHEST CRITIC yeah… and there’s been a dark cloud yeah following the Macho Man HANGING OVER HIM…” Savage said he hadn’t been the same since losing brutally to Jake Roberts last year. To exorcise his demons and prove he’s still the best, he challenged Roberts to a match next week.

GRADE: 100

OVERALL GRADE: 90

</div>

<div style="text-align:center;">NEXT TIME! ON PRIME TIME WRESTLING...

<img alt="haKEMgv.jpg" data-src="https://i.imgur.com/haKEMgv.jpg" src="<___base_url___>/applications/core/interface/js/spacer.png" />VS <img alt="6HUIKMY.jpg" data-src="https://i.imgur.com/6HUIKMY.jpg" src="<___base_url___>/applications/core/interface/js/spacer.png" /></div>

Randy Savage has a chance to redeem himself against Jake Roberts and, if he wins, he’ll receive a shot at Nikita Koloff’s WWF World Heavyweight title at WrestleMania VII. I’m sure that will be the big WWF story of the week and all anyone will be talking about. Everything’s fine!

</div>

joshspicer · March 9, 2020

Watch it'll be a Kerry repeat. Vince or something gets to the biggest show of the year and Razor will be clean as a whistle.

alpha2117 · March 10, 2020

<blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-username="MainOffender" data-cite="MainOffender" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="47165" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div>It's exactly the kind of weird alternate reality thing I was hoping for with this save! I should probably come up with something to do with Beefcake beyond "hair metal barber" to reflect his mastery of the craft. I'm not sure what you mean by that but... yes? He was never one of my favorites watching as a kid and I'm not sure I can think of a single interesting match of his. For me, he's most memorable as the guy whose set got ruined by Marty Jannetty's face.</div></blockquote> A Chicken with it's head cut off has been known to run around aimlessly for a significant amount of time - the term means someone running around aimlessly which pretty much sums up The Barber in ring.

Aurora · March 10, 2020

Hart and Steamboat now there a tag team

joshbrady91 · March 10, 2020

Good show, Ricky Steamboat and Bret Hart, now that's a team I'd have loved to have seen.

boydy · March 10, 2020

SteamHart would be a good tag team.

MainOffender · March 10, 2020

A Chicken with it's head cut off has been known to run around aimlessly for a significant amount of time - the term means someone running around aimlessly which pretty much sums up The Barber in ring.

Ha I know the expression, I've just never seen it applied to wrestling. I don't remember much Beefcake and I'll be damned if I'm going to watch any clips of him, so I'll take your word that he used to flail around out there. Sounds about right.

Hart and Steamboat now there a tag team

Good show, Ricky Steamboat and Bret Hart, now that's a team I'd have loved to have seen.

SteamHart would be a good tag team.

Yeah I pretty much marked when that good chemistry note popped up. Dragon's Dungeon, baby!

MainOffender · March 10, 2020

Toot Toot

DRUGS, ALCOHOL DESTROYING THE WWF

An Editorial by David Hebner

I thought something might change when Bill Dundee wrapped his car around a tree.

Dundee was on his way back to his hotel after a taping of WWF Superstars when he died in that wreck. He was too drunk to walk, much less drive, and everyone in that locker room knew it. But no one stopped him.

All the boys were too drunk. Or too high. Or too zonked on pain pills. No one noticed Dundee slip off into the night.

At least some good might come of this awful tragedy, I thought in the days after. Maybe it'll be a wake up call for the rest of the boys that this hard-partying lifestyle can't go on.

Did you catch this week's episode of Prime Time Wrestling? Did it look like anything has changed in the last two months? Scott "Razor Ramon" Hall was so sauced he could barely make it through his match. Thank goodness he was out there with Jake Roberts, who is what one might think of as a functioning alcoholic, and who was able to safely carry him through. The cameras didn't catch the smelling salts Hall needed after the match or how he vomited under the ring apron.

There's a reason top female talent like Tina Ferrari and Luna Vachon are letting their contracts expire. There's a reason that clean wrestlers like Ricky Steamboat and Bret Hart high tail it out of the building as soon as their matches are over. The WWF locker room is no place for mixed company and decent gentlemen.

Booze. Reefer. Cocaine. Uppers. Downers. Poppers. Ludes.

That's all just boys being boys to Vince McMahon. His idea of compassion is hiring a "special" doctor so the boys don't have to score their fixes on the street. Wouldn't want the fans to see that. It could break kayfabe.

There will be another Bill Dundee. At the rate the boys are going, probably many more.

WrestleMania, the biggest event on the WWF calendar, is just 10 days away. I won't be there. My conscience won't allow it. I encourage all decent wrestling fans to join me in boycotting the broadcast. Your hard earned dollars are going to feed the addictions of the larger than life heroes and villains you see on screen. They're hurting and need our help. If Mr. McMahon won't intervene, us wrestling fans with good hearts and clear morals will have to do it for him.

</div>

joshspicer · March 10, 2020

I'm gonna take a wild guess and say David Hebner is no longer on the WWE payroll.

MainOffender · March 10, 2020

I'm gonna take a wild guess and say David Hebner is no longer on the WWE payroll.

Had to fire him! Guy brought the locker room down to 0% with all the dislike relationships. A couple screens:

joshspicer · March 10, 2020

Yeah I suppose that that would do it. How's your personal standing with Earl after the firing? Or did he strike it in stride?

MainOffender · March 16, 2020

<blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-username="joshspicer" data-cite="joshspicer" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="47165" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div>Yeah I suppose that that would do it. How's your personal standing with Earl after the firing? Or did he strike it in stride?</div></blockquote> Earl actually works for WCW (not sure when that happened), so him and Vince are fine. Now that I'm looking, the scandal didn't cause any negative relationship between Dave Hebner and Vince which seems ridiculous. I'm editing in a white hot hatred.

MainOffender · March 16, 2020

<div style="text-align:center;">SCANDAL FALLOUT!</div><div style="text-align:center;">

<img alt="rViarwR.jpg?1" data-src="https://i.imgur.com/rViarwR.jpg?1" src="<___base_url___>/applications/core/interface/js/spacer.png" /></div>

In the wake of Dave Hebner’s bombshell article, longtime WWF stalwarts “Cowboy” Bob Orton and Adrian Adonis asked for and were granted their release. Insiders speculate the two may have used Hebner’s allegations as an excuse to get out. Both were apparently unhappy after jobbing to The Warlord and didn’t see a place for themselves on the upcoming WrestleMania card.

Of course, Vince denied all knowledge of any substance abuse culture. The WWF launched an internal investigation and fired a few members of the medical team (no more dirty doctor). McMahon announced a number of changes backstage, including a ban on alcohol. The WWF will also now conduct drug testing (although, uh, not for steroids… no one is addicted to steroids, okay?) and have partnered with the Betty Ford Clinic (check out the PSA in between Slim Jim ads!) to provide treatment for any talent struggling with addiction.

“A comprehensive testing program like this takes time to get off the ground,” McMahon said, when explaining why the drug tests wouldn’t be done until after WrestleMania VII.

Razor Ramon showed up too drunk to work at the first Prime Time Wrestling episode after Hebner’s article. Read the room, Scott! He was quietly sent to rehab.</div>

<div style="padding:10px; border:10px solid #3399ff; background-color: #ffffcc; max-width:1000px;margin:auto;"><div style="text-align:center;"><img alt="vaqBy4h.jpg" data-src="https://i.imgur.com/vaqBy4h.jpg" src="<___base_url___>/applications/core/interface/js/spacer.png" />

PRIME TIME WRESTLING

March, Week 4, 1991. </div>

Vince McMahon is out first, not as the geeky announcer from Superstars but as the owner of the company. He outlined the “WWF Cares” initiative and deflected most of the accusations from Hebner’s article. Someone started a “let them drink” chant.

GRADE: 60

Well, with damage control done, let’s get on with the show! Hulk Hogan arrived to continue the night’s theme of apologies, offering one to the entire locker room and all his Hulkamaniacs for what a trash bag he’s been over the last few years. Andre the Giant came out to accept, the two shook hands, and Hogan promised to send the Giant off with a victory at WrestleMania.

GRADE: 100

Bret Hart defeated The Scholar (Scott Levy) in a back-and-forth match. The Genius tried to get involved, but was chased off by Ricky Steamboat.

GRADE: 76

“That man was under my protection!” Big Boss Man cut a spittle-filled promo about how Jake Roberts hurt Razor Ramon last week (sure) and demanded Roberts come out and pay the price. With Roberts prepping for the main event, Terry Funk answered instead.

GRADE: 64

Big Boss Man defeated Terry Funk with a thunderous sidewalk slam. The move was so vicious, in fact, that Boss Man separated his shoulder and will miss WrestleMania. Hope you don’t need pain killers, bud, Hebner confiscated them all.

GRADE: 83

Davey Boy Smith defeated the Honky Tonk Man by DQ when the Repo Man attacked, leveling the British Bulldog with his tow rope.

GRADE: 85

While the Repo Man strangled Davey Boy, Tina Ferrari shouted a list of items she wanted returned from Davey Boy’s apartment. The crowd continued to be shockingly into this angle.

GRADE: 91

In a match that couldn’t live up to a Repo Man appearance, Ricky Steamboat defeated Greg Valentine. Jim Duggan attempted to get involved on his partner’s behalf, but Bret Hart returned the favor from earlier and watched Steamboat’s back.

GRADE: 80

The Hammer and the Hacksaw tried to jump Hart and Steamboat, but were fought off. Hart and Steamboat sized each other up during the brawl, both looking for an edge going into WrestleMania.

GRADE: 89

A six-man tag that pitted Brutus Beefcake and Doom against the Warlord and the Skyscrapers broke down when all six men brawled on the outside. Greasy as hell, Beefcake managed to slip the Full Nelson and slide in to steal a count out victory for his team.

GRADE: 80

Randy Savage cut an intense promo about how he hasn’t believed in himself since losing to Jake Roberts last year. “The Macho Man is gonna skin that SNAKE yeah… and then I’m coming for that FALSE Mega Power yeah… Nikita KOLOFF!”

GRADE: 100

In a match loaded with drama, Randy Savage was able to slip multiple DDT attempts by Jake Roberts, rescue Elizabeth from a python-chasing, and ultimately elbow dropped Roberts to hell.

GRADE: 92

“The Mega Power” Nikita Koloff appeared to mockingly clap for Savage, then hold up his WWF World Heavyweight title. “See you at WrestleMania, comrade.”

GRADE: 100

OVERALL GRADE: 93

</div>

<div style="text-align:center;"> <img alt="bxqvQja.jpg?1" data-src="https://i.imgur.com/bxqvQja.jpg?1" src="<___base_url___>/applications/core/interface/js/spacer.png" />

FOR THE WWF WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP

FOR THE WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP

FOR THE WWF WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP

FOR THE WWF WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP

ANDRE THE GIANT RETIREMENT MATCH

Andre the Giant & Hulk Hogan vs “Cowboy” Stan Hansen & “Big” John Studd

A FRIENDLY COMPETITION

Bret “The Hitman” Hart vs Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat

GIVE TINA HER STUFF BACK!

“The British Bulldog” Davey Boy Smith vs The Repo Man (w/ Tina Ferrari)

OPEN CHALLENGE

Jake “The Snake” Roberts & Terry Funk vs ???

PLUS! A PRE-SHOW BATTLE ROYALE!

</div>

</div>

PREDICTION FRIENDLY VERSION:

Koloff vs Savage

Beefcake vs Warlord

Doom vs Skyscrapers

Yamazaki vs Blayze

Andre/Hogan vs Hansen/Studd

Hart vs Steamboat

Davey Boy vs Repo Man

Roberts/Funk vs ???

Battle Royale winner? (I swear they were on the shows this time)

We’ll carry over the prize from last time. Winner gets to choose a signing for WCW in December ’91!

joshspicer · March 16, 2020

Oh shit. Wasn't expecting Bob and Adrian to get out of dodge. Must've been close to Dave or agreed with his sentiments. Interesting...

Or I guess that. Damn you Warlord!

Steroids are never a problem in wrestling, right Dynamite?

Vince: A testing program like this takes time so we want to wait until after our biggest event so we don't have to lose people on the card...also workers' safety, yeah, that too.

Ah man, no Razor at WrestleMania. At least there's no steroid scandal on the horizon or anything...

And in a fit of what might be kayfabe irony, Bossman also injured himself so both members of the team are off the card.

Repo Man is over. I expect an IC Title reign by the AI by Starrcade.

Aurora · March 16, 2020

Koloff

The Barber

Doom

Blaze

Hogan and Andre

Time limit draw

Davey Boy

???

The Scholar

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