Pteroid

Eva Destruction is a money name, damn

CGC Bubbleweight Title: Jake Sloan vs Helen Wheels I got five bucks says this story ends with Helen getting splashed by Mass Ass Dan DaLay & John McClean vs Jack & Alex DeColt CHICANERY Rash Reilly & Frankie Flame vs Eddie Chandler & Johnny Maverick NON VILLAINOUS CHICANERY

Well hello hello hello~

I mean...I could see her doing the flea rant.

I’ve found that Moore is easiest to book as essentially Kronk from Emperor’s New Groove, pair him with an over the top heel his pure heart and dumb ass clash with in a partnership

Ai-CW: THE FUTURE IS NOW Vol. 1 From: San Francisco, CA Attendance: 78 The first ever event for Ai Championship Wrestling opens before an enthralled and rowdy group of bros of all types, be they of tech or crypto. They hoot and holler and chant for the glorious triumph of technology that is about to unfold before them like a bunch of monkeys that would grace a Nonfungible Token. Here to greet the fans (and hopeful angel investors) is none other than the founder and proprietor of the business, Cesar Kaslow! "Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the FUTURE of professional wrestling, Ai-CW! I am your humble owner and operator, Cesar Kaslow, the MVP of Ree-Al-Ih-Tee and I am here to welcome one half of our sterling announce team to his first day on the job! Give a big hand to Hank Hernandez Jr.!" Hank Hernandez Jr., man of inimitable wrestling pedigree and complete utter stranger to 99.99% of the audience, walks down to the ring to stand next to Cesar. Cesar: "Hank, welcome to the future, welcome to Ai Championship Wrestling!" Hank: "Mr. Kaslow it's an honor to be here for this historic occasion, I'm happy to see all these ah...happy...numerous...faces. I thought you said we were gonna have hundreds here..." Cesar: "Hah! Who needs the unwashed masses when we've got the elite of the elite! Every single member of this audience is an innovator in his field, ready to invest in a vibrant and disruptive new product that will revolutionize this industry!" Buzzwords! The fans go nutty for 'em! Hank: "I uh...I see! Well I'll just-what on earth is that next to the commentary table!?" Hank points over to the commentary table where- A large server rack has been set up next to it. Cesar: "Haha, Mr. Hernandez please come with me!" Cesar leads the way over to the table and places his hand on its side. Cesar: "Meet your co-commentator: KittyKat!" countik-audio.mp3 Hank: "WHAT THE!?" Cesar: "Isn't she something?" Hank: "Why does it have the TikTak robot voice!?" Cesar: "I feel like we have much more important non-lawsuitable questions to ask right now!" Hank: "I...buh-how is this gonna work, it's a computer!" KittyKat: countik-audio(1).mp3 Hank: "Ok well it's smart enough to go for the low-hanging fruit like a commentator but still-" Cesar: "Look Hank, I understand you're a stuck in your ways old timer-" Hank: "I'm two years younger than you!" Cesar: "But this is the future and the future involves a lot of money for us both if you play ball." Hank: "I...well...fine I guess..." Cesar: "Yay!" Kitty Kat: countik-audio(2).mp3 Hank: "What?" Kitty Kat: countik-audio(3).mp3 Cesar: "Well we have our team together so it's time for our first match, starring a young up-and-comer, a roaring lion of a rookie talent against one of the most respected veterans in all of our sport!" Hank: "...Who's Jimmy Velour? Also isn't Xtian St. Ours that guy who keeps getting caught taping locker room conversations-?" vs JIMMY VELOUR VS XTIAN ST. OURS The youngest Velour never really gets out of the gate as St. Ours absolutely pummels him from bell to bell until finishing him off with The Exclusive (Fame-Asser) in dominant fashion that no one in their right mind would book outside of a Cesar Kaslow promotion... WINNER VIA PINFALL: XTIAN ST. OURS Hank: "That kid didn't have a chance, what a mismatch!" KittyKat: countik-audio(4).mp3 Xtian St. Ours: "That was just the START of my reign of terror over this company! I am the one and only Insider in this business and I got the scoop on what's the real future around here! Put this in the dirt sheets, Xtian St. Ours is going to the top and this whole company's gonna be carried on my shoulders!" Voice: "You couldn't carry a fishing pole on those narrow shoulders, little man!" The owner of the voice interrupting St. Ours' rant steps out from the back. Kitty Kat: countik-audio(5).mp3 The bulky Hawaiian strongwoman folds her arms as St. Ours stumbles back at the sight of her. Laka: "That's right, little man, you better step back, because they didn't give me a match tonight but I know a mouth I should shut when I see one so next month I think I'll make my debut against you and see if I can't turn you 'Insider-Out!'" St. Ours tries to wave her off but she grins and mouths 'see you then' before returning to the back. St. Ours kicks the mat at having made a massive problem for himself and soon heads to the back as well. Hank: "Well it looks like Volume 2 has its first match primed and ready!" KittyKat: countik-audio(6).mp3 Hank: "Wait you're the booker too?" KittyKat: countik-audio(7).mp3 Hank: "That's...ominous but hey I'm getting paid. I'm also getting told we have an interview primed backstage ahead of our next match so let's go there now!" Backstage flanked by General Villainy and Emperor Shimaoka, Dr. Hazard grits his teeth and cracks his knuckles. Hazard: "Fabulous Blanco Bros. tonight you are in for a rude awakening because you starry eyed young luchadors may think that this here is a land of opportunity, but I'm sorry to tell you you're in the land of giants!" The camera notes that Shimaoka is noticeably shorter than both his tag partner and his manager. Hazard: "You have General Villainy, the giant of body! Emperor Shimaoka, the giant of spirit! And I, Doctor Heinrich Hazard, the giant of the mind! Hazard's Hellion's are here to spread chaos and disarray all over this upstart startup until it crashes harder than KritCoin!" "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOWFUCCENDAREYOU!!!!!!!!!!" The audience ferociously howls for the blood of Hazard all the way back out in the arena! It's due a bounce back, we tells ya, a bounce back! Hank: "Good lord, these people are about to riot!" KittyKat: countik-audio(8).mp3 Hank: "Let's get this match going before we have to see these guys try and jump a railing." vs Hazard's Hellions vs The Fabulous Blanco Bros. With newly minted heat magnet Dr. Hazard at ringside the heels spend most of the match bullying the ever loving crap out of Jimmy Blanco with Villainy focusing on power moves supported by Shimaoka's acrobatics with Hazard running interference whenever it looked like Jimmy might make the hot tag. When it finally does happen the crowd erupts as Juan takes the skies with a flurry of sloppy botches breathtaking aerial maneuvers that have the heels reeling. Juan gets a nearfall on Shimaoka but Hazard distracts the ref and Villainy makes the save! Villainy and Shimaoka lay a beatdown and look to toss Juan out to Hazard on the outside but Jimmy interferes and Villainy tumbles out onto Hazard instead! With manager and enforcer down Shimaoka falls easy prey to superkick/rollup combo for the pinfall victory. The tech bros shower the two extremely white luchadors with love like they'd just defended the honor of the virgin Mary herself. WINNERS VIA PINFALL: THE FABULOUS BLANCO BROS Hank: "A Fabulous win by the Fabulous Brothers, truly watching them move is poetry in motion!" KittyKat: countik-audio(9).mp3 Hank: "Not programmed to pronounce Japanese names yet?" KittyKat: countik-audio(10).mp3 Hank: "In any case folks, our cameras caught up with our six contenders for the-I'm sorry the title is called 'The Golden Sneaker'?" Cesar pops his head into frame. Cesar: "I had to explain the logo somehow!" Hank: "Great, six contenders for a literal shoe...how much money are you paying me again?" Cesar: "Yes." "OOOOOOOOOH YESSIR, DIGGIT!!! Larry Lightning comin' at ya my in the land of Artificial Intelligensia and you can call me nonbinary with how I'm number one with no zeroes, yeah! Cyberspace is the place and I got that electricity to power all the computers in Silicon Valley and that's a Larry Lightning guarantee!" "Espacio Pirata here to take that belt back home to the stars, ready to-wait I'm sorry it's not a belt it's a...is my English not actually not that good, it's not a sneaker is it? It IS? WHAT!?" "Lil $wag in the place to be Gonna put a chump down for the 1-2-3 Got that Detroit swag And this match in the bag That pretty golden sneaker's comin' home with me!" "This is nonsense, you can't actually expect me to work in the chaos of a six-way match, there are rules that should be followed! This is barbarism! Anarchy! Madness! All of this for a shoe!? A SINGLE SHOE!? I AM AGHAST!" "KYAAAAAAHAKHAKHAK! FOOOOOOOLISH CESAR KASLOW! YOUR PATHETIC TECHNOLOGICAL INNOVATIONS WILL NOT SURVIVE THE WRATH OF BLACK IDOL! I SHALL TAKE YOUR SNEAKER AND YOUR TECHNOLOGY FOR MY QUEST FOR WORLD DOMINATION! KYAAAAAAHAKHAKHAKHAK!" "Whoa now, mama, I'm gettin' thrown to the hound dogs tonight! Five of the finest wrestlers there ever was and there's no disguisin' the devil in any of 'em! But you know me, when ya put me in the jailhouse, El Vees is gonna rock it! Ah uh huh~!" Hank: "An...eclectic group if ever there was one." KittyKat: countik-audio(11).mp3 Hank: "Even the Elvis impersonator?" KittyKat: countik-audio(12).mp3 Hank: "Well with that little fun fact out of the way it's main event time!" SIX-WAY MATCH FOR THE Ai-CW GOLDEN SNEAKER CHAMPIONSHIP LARRY LIGHTNING VS ESPACIO PIRATA VS LIL $WAG VS LYN MERIT VS BLACK IDOL VS EL VEES To call this match chaos would be to imply this show had any order to it in the first place, but it is extremely hard to follow this cartoon dust-cloud of a brawl with high-spots thrown in at random. Everyone gets a chance to shine but it's clear the emotional highpoint of the night was the Blanco Bros. defending the honor of a rugpull scam-I mean completely legitimate digital currency. Then out of nowhere about six minutes in the bell rings without anyone seemingly actually getting a pin or submission. WINNER VIA...uh...what? KittyKat: countik-audio(13).mp3 Hank: "Time limit? Judges? You didn't mention anything like tha-" KittyKat: countik-audio(14).mp3 Hank: "WHO!?" Out from the back is shoved Paris Fashion who looks around confused before being handed what appears to be an obviously spray painted gold Hi-Top Sneaker which she holds up like a title belt while the actual people wrestling for it look annoyed in the ring. Hank: "Welll congrats I guess, it makes no literal actual sense but judges gonna judge." KittyKat: countik-audio(15).mp3 Hank: "Beg pardon?" Paris looks as confused as Hank at that news. KittyKat: countik-audio(16).mp3 Hank: "SHE HASN'T EVEN HAD A MATCH HERE YOU NUT!" Paris' lip begins to tremble at the implication that her career is over before she's even had a match in the company. KittyKat: countik-audio(17).mp3 Paris is openly sobbing now, that one hurt. Hank: "Hey that was just a straight up insult what's wrong with this thing!?" Cesar: "OH HEY WE'VE REACHED THE END OF OUR RUNTIME!" Cesar runs over and begins fiddling with buttons on Kitty's casing. Hank: "Kaslow your machine's gone a bit-" Cesar: "THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE GOT FOR TODAY FOLKS, HAVE A NICE DRIVE HOME, TELL YOUR BOSSES ABOUT US! TIP YOUR WAITRESSES WITH FINANCIAL ADVICE LIKE HOW THEY SHOULD SMILE MORE BYYYYYEEEE!" Hank: "Now you hold on just a min-" The screen goes black. ... ... ........ countik-audio(18).mp3

BREAKING NEWS: FOUNDER OF THE CLUB BACK WITH 'CUTTING EDGE' PRODUCT JANUARY 1, 2024 - Cesar Kaslow has come roaring back into headlines in the wrestling industry this week as he has debuted an 'Iconoclastic, Groundbreaking, and Futuristic' new product: Ai Championship Wrestling (or Ai-CW). Amid a crowd of industry journalists in the company's new Silicon Valley HQ, Kaslow promised a company whose hiring practices, storylines, and even color commentary would be provided by proprietary AI engine 'KittyKat'. "The wrestling industry has been dominated too long by the small minds of industry hangers on and money men," Kaslow said answering a journalist question, "With the KittyKat AI Model we're going to revolutionize the industry by removing the need for these dinosaurs and barnacles with an algorithm trained on the habits of Pro Wrestling's most influential bookers." The question was 'Who programmed the AI?' for the record. Along with his bold proclamations, Kaslow debuted the majority of the company's roster (picked by KittyKat), the matches for its first 'Seed Money' event, and the company logo. BLACK IDOL | EL VEES EMPEROR SHIMAOKA | ESPACIO PIRATA LAKA | GENERAL VILLAINY LIL $WAG | LYN MERRIT PARIS FASHION | JIMMY VELOUR LARRY LIGHTNING | XTIAN ST. OURS THE FABULOUS BLANCO BROS (JIMMY & JUAN) REFEREE ZACH VINCENT | OWNER CESAR KASLOW PLAY BY PLAY HANK HERNANDEZ JR. | COLOUR COMMENTARY KITTYKAT AI MANAGER DR. HAZARD Ai-CW: THE FUTURE IS NOW Vol. 1 Ai-CW CHAMPIONSHIP SIX-WAY TITLE MATCH BLACK IDOL VS EL VEES VS ESPACIO PIRATA VS LIL $WAG VS LARRY LIGHTNING VS LYN MERIT THE FABULOUS BLANCO BROS. VS GENERAL VILLIANY & EMPEROR SHIMAOKA JIMMY VELOURS VS XTIAN ST. OURS No he didn't answer why the robot in the logo was holding a shoe.

Apologies for the long wait, work has decided to kick me in the crotch this week and it appears my progress on the event was somehow lost as well.

WRESTLESAURUS X The story so far... It has been a long six months since the Martian Queen's invasion of Earth at the head of her Kaiju Death Army was drawn into pitched combat with the forces WrestleX Air Force. As the world prepares to mourn the lives lost to her most infamous enforcer Lobster Warrior, let's have a look at the various scores that will no doubt be settled at what's meant to be a vigil for the lost... The rivalry between Air Chief Marshal Westminster and Lobster Warrior has been intense since our war with the invaders has gone to the squared circle, with the Marshal only barely averting multiple attempts by the Warrior to devour innocent bystanders...and also that one jerk from the AWF who keeps showing up (more on him later). The latter has resulted in the highest cost for Westminster as his intervention led to him losing an arm to the horrible beast's slavering jaws. But the joke was on the decapodal delinquent as Westminster returned with a cybernetic arm the next month and proved instrumental in helping Behemoth and the Mighty Mutant Power Beetles forcing the Queen herself to retreat for reinforcements and send her army into disarray! With the memorial for Warrior's victims on the horizon Westminster has declared his intent to chain himself to the very trophy commemorating the anniversary, but will this act of conviction just serve him up like a seafood special? The Martian Queen wasn't the only baddie on the loose, the vile Venusian attempted to capitalize on the war by establishing his criminal enterprise known as the Cosmic Cartel alongside the mysterious mobster Starface and the loose cannon hitman ROOSTER-3000. Opposing them were patriot par excellence Big Al and his Extraterrestrial Amigo The Visitor, eager to keep the WrestleX War Zone crime-free. They faced an uphill battle with the numbers out of their favor, but with a cunning disguise as Blue Man, The Visitor managed to apprehend Venusian and goaded his minions into a battle with Venusian at ringside in a LAZER SHARK CAGE specifically designed to hold LAZER SHARKS, impregnable in every way! Will their desire to save their boss be the Cartel's undoing, or have Venusian's hints there's an even bigger boss pulling the strings come into play? The do-gooder team of the Mighty Mutant Power Beetles have gained themselves quite a reputation as noble warriors since the war for Earth's survival began. However, with great popularity comes enemies...and also stalkers in the case of Power Beetle Rose whose had to deal with the unwanted advances of The Nightmare from the Lagoon! Threatening the life of some hot dog guy who hangs around sometimes, the Nightmare has forced Rose into a bout with her hand in marriage on the line...it's kinda skeevy not gonna lie but we all know Rose is up to the task! Meanwhile nominal leader of the group Power Beetle Magma has successfully made the mercenary Brutus cancel his contract with the Martian Queen and the wouldbe monarch in her absence, King Kongor, has decided that Magma must be squashed to legitimize his reign! Can Magma bring the fire or will the King rule the roost? Finally...ok honestly Power Beetle Grass seems to have been going through a lot lately, managing to only rack up wins when teaming with his fellow Beetle Ghost. The last straw for the short-tempered bug came when he was in the middle of the ring by Yukito and has challenged the affable entertainer to a boxing match of all things. With the timid creature pressured by his comrades into accepting the bout we don't have high hopes for the fuzzy friend but it'd certainly not be a good look if Grass lost. This guy...screw this guy. He started showing up around February attempting to recruit kaiju for his 'Uncle Johnny's' wrestling organization. We've already told you how this robbed Westminster of his favorite right arm, but this guy just doesn't seem to learn because he's declared that the Memorial will see the debut of a brand new 'Brand Ambassador' for his company. Like...read the room, jerkwad. Finally the only rivalry that could match Westminster vs Lobster nears its climax. From the start Pinatadon has menaced the WrestleX War Zone with his irradiated bonking stick, with a special ire towards the turncoat Behemoth! With the assistance of the Queen, Pinatadon has ambushed his former comrade multiple times, getting an edge over the plum-colored powerhouse again and again and seemingly putting him on the shelf until he reappeared to help Westminster and the Beetles force the Queen to retreat into space! The rage has only grown with the Queen's top enforcer since and the two bitter enemies will face off in the deadly... BONKA STICK ON A POLE MATCH WHO WILL SURVIVE!? WHO WILL STAND VICTORIOUS!? WHY DON'T WE JUST LET THAT LOBSTER EAT THE TALENT SCOUT!? FIND OUT AT WRESTLEX: MEMORIAL FOR THE VICTIMS OF LOBSTER WARRIOR! WrestleX Presents: Memorial For The Victims Of Lobster Warrior Radioactive Bonka Stick On A Pole Match Behemoth vs Pinatadon Power Beetle Magma vs King Kongor Power Beetle Rose vs The Nightmare From The Lagoon Might Mutant Power Beetles (Aqua, Earth, Ghost) vs Aquasaur, Militant Centipede, & Nautilus The Venusian in a LAZER SHARK CAGE @ Ringside Big Al & The Visitor vs The Cosmic Cartel Boxing Exhibition Power Beetle Grass vs Yukito Air Chief Marshal Westminster vs Lobster Warrior

Deep South AND Texan style wrestling together in one company!? There’s never been a more controversial combination since Country and Western music!

Leo Steele as a chef. Is he Luigi's brother? Clone? Perhaps this is a character he played in your average 'Action star...in a COMEDY FILM???' stint, who can say?

.......nice~

ZEN: THE ART OF WRESTLING SIZE: TINY MONIES: 50,000 CHAMPIONS ZEN MASTER: HALLOWEEN KNIGHT ZEN HARMONY: THE SKY KINGS (VERTIGO & SUPER ZERO) ZEN CONCEPTUAL: SHAOLIN NEXT TIME ON ZEN: WAY OF THE DREAMER 2010 MAIN EVENT MASTER CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH HALLOWEEN KNIGHT (c) VS LONE SHARK TRIOS MATCH F.E.A.R (NECROMANCER, CYANIDE, & MASSACRE) VS DEVILFISH, MAN O'WAR & X-CALIBRE ZEN CONCEPTUAL TITLE MATCH SHAOLIN (c) VS BILE QUICK SILVER VS MIRROR UNIVERSE JOHN GORDON HARMONY TITLE FOUR-WAY BOUT THE SKY KINGS (c) VS THE MERCS VS THE HORROR SHOW VS C-W-A AND A MYSTERY PARTNER (WHO COULD IT BEEEEEE!!!???)

"-AND TONIGHT I'M GONNA GET REVENGE ON THAT NO-GOOD VERTIGO ONCE AND FOR ALL!" BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! "SHUT UP, AUCKLAND OR I'LL SLAP THE LIVER SPOTS OFF YA GRANNIES! VERTIGO THINKS HE'S GOT THE NUMBERS ADVANTAGE WITH ALL HIS LITTLE DOG TURD TECNICO FRIENDS BUT I GOT SOMETHIN' BETTER, I GOT FAMILY! GET OUT HERE, CUZ!" "Hoo hoo hoo hoooooooo, did somebody say send in the cloooooowns?" Yep. That's me. You're probably wondering how I got here, well friends the answer to that is simple. "I'm sorry we're paying how much to a guy with a clown gimmick?" Then! "I will literally pay that much for a second guy with a clown gimmick." And now I live in New Zealand! =D "Also you're the booker." Also I'm the booker! =D Wait you wanna know how we got to that particular angle? Oh well I better go into better detail then, quick someone post some basic company info!

George DeColt Memorial Cup Final: Dubois d. McFly The Canadian Blondes (C) d. Thunder & Lightning CGC Canadian Chaos Championship Oily Turkish Pervert Match: Skip Beau (C) d. Whippy The Clown Team Stiff'Em (Robinson & Frey) d. The Golden Elite (Atherton & Draper) George DeColt Memorial Cup Semi Final: Marc Dubois d. Ian DeColt George DeColt Memorial Cup Semi Final: Sean McFly d. Gargantuan

ZEN: BOSTON PRESENTS UNITED STATES OF FOOLS MAIN EVENT DUKE HAZZARD'S QUALIFIER FOR THE UNITED STATES OF MAYHEM SCRAMBLE MATCH SCRAMBLE MATCH PREVIEW BOUT PUMPKIN JACK & QT PI VS BRADLEY BLAZE & HARRY ALLEN FRO SURE VS SUPREME YOSHIDA TYRONE GRAY VS DEADLY DEADSHOT ZEN KINSHIP TITLE MATCH THE GHOSTS OF RETRIBUTION VS LEGENDS OF THE SEA (c) ZEN RIGHT TO PARTY MATCH STEREO (c) VS AMERICAN JUSTICE CHEETAH BOY & THE GOLDEN GLORY VS THE ARONA FAMILY

THE ZEN NEWSWIRE HAZZARD TO ANNOUNCE FINAL UNITED STATES OF MAYHEM QUALIFIER IN PERSON To the shock of many, Sheriff Duke Hazzard is as of this moment on his way to open United States of Fools by announcing his own qualifier match for the United States of Mayhem scramble match. Sheriff Hazzard has not been reached for comment due to no members of the newswire being welcome on his private jet but his confidant Bradley Blaze has made allusions to 'Dealing with a thorn in his side once and for all' with his choice. DEADSHOT/GRAY BOUT SET FOR UNITED STATES OF FOOLS Following a dustup at United States of Fools, Tyrone Gray and Deadly Deadshot have been signed to a matchup at United States of Fools. The two acrobatic luchadors are certain to put on a show in their quest to prove superiority over one another but one can only hope Diamond Deuce will be on hand to keep Deadshot's cohorts in the Regulators from making their presences felt. TECH SQUAD DENIES SIGNAL INTERFERENCE WORRIES A whistleblower within the ZEN Production team has reached out to the newswire's reporters about strange visuals attempting to intrude in the early tests for tonight's United States of Fools' broadcast. When reached for comment the in-house tech support team made it clear that they have the issue in hand and there will be no interruptions to tonight's livestream. Godspeed, you glorious geeks, godspeed.

Oh I can't take credit for that it's in the data

ZEN: The Art of Grappling Attendance: 535 Viewers: 108,283 On The ZEN Network The show opened with Man O'War of ZEN: London appear to announce his match to decide the fourth entrant in the United States of Mayhem scramble main event. The ZEN Original didn't mince his words, noting that only a luchador with pike performance can salmon the courage to separate themself from the puffered up pack to show who the real starfish was around here- A vaudeville hook slowly began to slide in from offstage and Manny very quickly snapped out of his pun spiral and got to business. "I'm calling on the lucha libre tradition of the Cibernetico match! Two teams of five, and only one man will remain standing at the end! After conferring with ZEN Officials and drawing names of some of ZEN's biggest stars at random your teams for tonight are:" TEAM A ROBBIE WRIGHT, PUMPKIN JACK, ADE NELSON, DEADLY DEADSHOT, AND TYRONE GRAY TEAM B BIG HOSS, THE OUTRAGEOUS ARONA, ASH BARNABY, ZACH RUDGE, AND CHEETAH BOY As the crowd roars at the prospect of such a chaotic match, Manny takes a bow... "Scylla later~-HRK!" Then got yoinked offstage by the hook. THE GOLDEN FOX VS AMERICAN JUSTICE With his newfound mentor in Cheetah Boy prepping for his sudden inclusion in the main event tonight, Fox only had his tag partner in The Golden Pig to rely on for support against the bat-wielding vigilante (the...the object, not the animal, it's hard to keep track of that these days). A high-flying affair with both men giving it their all, Justice of course resorted to shortcuts to get his way, though Pig at ringside managed to alert the referee to a few dirty doings until- Oh. Great. The minions of Arona, no doubt still steamed about his father and the super heroes preventing him from getting his hands on Hazzard last week, assaulted Pig at ringside. Fox saw this and went for one of his signature dives out onto the miscreants but as the ref was distracted Justice slammed his bat into Fox's ribs and captured him in a La Magistral cradle for a dirty win. WINNER VIA PINFALL: AMERICAN JUSTICE Backstage, QT PI was once again working on her investigation into peculiar happenings and the disappearance of Garry the Entertainer. Lecturing a few stagehands on proper paranormal management, she seemed like she's going to lay out her hypothesis about what's going on when someone stepped into the scene: "Howdy, Ms." QT's demeanor turned hostile as the ZEN Conqueror champion leaned against the wall. QT demanded to know what Allen wanted but the veteran merely shrugged and stated he didn't get the chance to say it but he was proud of his protege for getting her first shot at the Conqueror title. QT makes it clear she doesn't need her former mentor to be proud of her, she wasn't doing this for the Conqeuror title or to get rid of ZEN: Boston's obstructive Sheriff, she was doing it to get the company focused on what was happening. "Something big is coming, Mr. Allen, and if we don't do something about it the effects on all of ZEN may be devastating." Harry shrugged and told her if that's the way she felt then perhaps she should spend more time training for the scramble instead of worrying about missing freaks like Garry. As he said that, for a split second, Franklin -or at least someone in a Franklin costume?- was stood next to him before disappearing in a blink. QT gasped and ran off, muttering about a need to get her scientific instruments as Allen scoffed, oblivious to what just happened. Elsewhere backstage, the Ghosts of Retribution were in the midst of a meditative ritual, surrounded by candles arranged in a pentagram. Their meditation was interrupted by the sudden arrival of the Kinship champions, The Legends of the Sea, as they belted out an obnoxious version of the Wellerman (what is this 2021?) with their obnoxious sidekick 'Pillage T. Parrot' (the T stands for The) on Crush's shoulder. The Ghosts did not take kindly to this and stood, getting in the pirates' faces and making it clear they were coming for the belts at United States of Fools, a threat the nautical duo laughed off (and Pillage squawked off) and replied that if Davy Jones' Locker could not avail against them then two rejects from Spirit Halloween hadn't a chance ("RAWK! HAVEN'T A CHANCE! RAWWWWK!"). The two teams were separated by officials before things could get much more heated but it was clear they were on track for a brawl and a half come United States of Fools... T-BONE TUCKER VS SAMHAIN A member of a disbanded stable faced a member of one on the rise as T-Bone Tucker tried to topple the real Spirit Halloween reject around here in Samhain. Unfortunately for the former bodyguard, his grit and determination couldn't match with the sheer momentum that the son of Arona had on his side and a pop-up backfist (identified as the 'Smack-O-Lantern' by Mac Smith) was enough to put Tucker down but good. WINNER VIA PINFALL: SAMHAIN Standing by backstage, Fro Sure was due to be interviewed when he was suddenly approached by Bradley Blaze. The cowboy informed Fro Sure that the man he pinned last week, his boss, Duke Hazzard wanted to meet with ZEN's latest and greatest signing at United States of Fools. Apparently Duke was cutting his recovery from the chaos of last week short just to do so and to announce his own qualifier for the United States of Mayhem match. Fro thought it over for a moment and agreed, saying it'd be good to meet the man in charge in a non-ridiculous circumstance. Blaze bitterly noted that EVERYTHING in ZEN was ridiculous before walking off. Fro turned away from that conversation to get ready for his interview, only to find someone else in his face: "FOUL PRODIGAL! I CHALLENGE YOU!" Fro blinked, looking around in confusion before pointing at himself. Yoshida: "MY RITUAL WAS IRONCLAD, MR. HAZZARD SHOULD NOT HAVE HAD ANY TROUBLE ESCAPING THE CLOYING CLUTCHES OF THE ZEN ROSTER! BUT YOU...YOOOOOU...YOUR PROFANE STEP, THE GAIT OF A MAN WHO BETRAYED MIGHTY EISEN BROKE MY DIVINE WORKINGS! I MUST HAVE VENGEANCE FOR THIS GREAT INJUSTICE! A MATCH! AT UNITED STATES OF FOOLS! WHAT SAY YOU!?" Fro: "Uhhhh...sure?" Yoshida: "EXCELLENT! CLAD THYSELF IN WHATEVER ARMOR YOU MAY! IT SHALL NOT AVAIL YOU AGAINST THE SWORD OF EISENISM!" She stormed off angrily, spitefully smashing the backstage interviewer with a Strong Arm Tactic before disappearing. Fro: "Man...I just wanted to stop gettin' me confused with Lenny Brown." Welcome to ZEN, Fro. MAIN EVENT CIBERNETICO MATCH WHOEVER WINS GOES ON TO UNITED STATES OF MAYHEM ROBBIE WRIGHT, PUMPKIN JACK, TYRONE GRAY, DEADLY DEADSHOT, & ADE NELSON VS BIG HOSS, ASH BARNABY, ZACH RUDGE, THE OUTRAGEOUS ARONA, & CHEETAH BOY A thrilling (if chaotic) matchup saw two mixed up teams do battle for one of the two remaining coveted spots in the United States of Mayhem Scramble match. Needless to say the tension between Arona and his father...not to mention Deadshot and the entirety of his own team was palpable and the 'batting order' format of the match allowed combinations of luchadors previously unthinkable. Underscoring the match itself was the tension between Robbie Wright and Pumpkin Jack, an early argument between the two leading to Jack slapping Wright across the face and 'tagging' himself in in the most roundabout way possible. Ash Barnaby at one point made a point to save his Frat Bro Ade Nelson during an early domination session from Big Hoss by blind tagging in and forcing the big man to the back of the line. An extended series of comedy spots between the quartet suddenly saw Zach Rudge get rolled up by Robbie Wright and be the first elimination to his own goodnatured shock. As the match wore on, a developing game of oneupsmanship between Tyrone Gray and Deadly Deadshot became apparent, with Deadshot consistently tagging himself in to steal High Energy's thunder until he finally pushed his luck by attempting to steal a pin on Cheetah Boy by tagging himself in after a Tumbleweed on the veteran by Gray. Refusing to take any more guff from the masked man, Gray surprisingly smashed him with a Tumbleweed and plopped CB on top for a pinfall elmination of the masked man. Speaking of CB, for someone who wanted to remove himself from his father's shadow, Arona spent a lot of the match tagging in his dad to get out of trouble, hoping that whatever danger there was would take it all out on his patriarch rather than himself. He would finally succeed when Pumpkin Jack took CB down with a Pumpkinhandle Suplex to Arona's glee...only for him to realize that the next guy in the lineup behind him now was a very angry Big Hoss, who proceeded to use Arona and Ash Barnaby as weapons against the opposing four and eventually hit a running powerslam on Ash ONTO Ade Nelson to get an elimination before Tyrone pounced on the Frat Bro jus tto get him out of there. Down to a Three-on-two, Hoss' strength and Arona's underhandedness managed to get them into a position to even the odds when a shocking attempt by Gray to hit the Tumbleweed on Hoss was interrupted by Arona tossing his wig into Gray's face while he was on Hoss' shoulders, resulting in an electric chair drop that left him open to a moonsault senton for an elimination on High Energy. Arona would have little time to celebrate, however, as Robbie would swoop in for a Wright Move on the Outrageous one for another elimination! Hoss, on his own, aggressively attempted to boot Wright in the belly and followed up by yanking his head between his legs for a piledriver...but Jack used Robbie's back as a launchpad to slam a knee into Hoss' chin, sending him stumbling back into the ropes and back into an instinctual Wright Move by Robbie followed up by an Orange Bowl from Jack, both men falling on Hoss to make sure he was eliminated. And then there were two... The crowd cheered in anticipation of a fight they'd been dying to see for some time as Wright and Jack slowly got to their feet. The strain of the match had clearly taken a toll on both but they were NOT about to allow the other to claim victory easily. The momentum between the two shifted again and again as they attempted to claim that spot at Mayhem. Multiple times it'd seem like a finisher was about to be hit only for a canny reversal to keep the final nail from being hammered in. Eventually the two men were reduced to throwing punches as they tried to just pound each other into submission, the crowd cheering with each blow delivered until- Kick to the belly of Jack! Suplex position! Wright spun-! Jack slipped free, seizing an arm to pull between Wright's legs! PUMPKINHANDLE SUPLEX! 1! 2! 3! WINNER VIA PINFALL AND QUALIFYING FOR THE UNITED STATES OF MAYHEM SCRAMBLE MATCH: PUMPKIN JACK As the crowd roared its approval, Jack sprung to the top rope and beat his chest, roaring out a challenge to all his future opponents in the scramble match. Meanwhile Robbie Wright rolled out of the ring, soon joined by his brothers from the Frat who-he pushed away and fell to his knees on the entrance ramp! He screamed out in frustration and slammed his fists on the ramp, pulling at his hair before stumbling to the back, clearly in no mood to lick wounds with his friends. The camera switches back to Jack who ends the show making belt motions around his waist as we fade to black.

Push the man with the silly visor

Let's -and I stress- go

DuBois Gargamel MARTY-er, Sean Ian

ZEN: THE ART OF GRAPPLING MAIN EVENT MAN O'WAR'S TRADITIONAL UNITED STATES OF MAYHEM QUALIFIER T-BONE TUCKER VS SAMHAIN THE GOLDEN FOX VS AMERICAN JUSTICE

THE ZEN NEWSWIRE FRO SURE MAKES IMPACT IN DEBUT, DUKE HAZZARD CONVALESCANT IN HOUSTON HOME After a chaotic night brought on by Eguchi the Amazing Councilman's 'Everybody vs Hazzard' match, it seemed as though the Sheriff was in the clear as most of the roster took itself out going after him. Collapsing in his office Mr. Hazzard did NOT expect the shocking debut of new hire Fro Sure, who quite literally stumbled into a pin on the man in charge and punched his ticket to United States of Mayhem's main event! When reached for comment, Fro Sure had this to say: "First day in and I'm in the chase for the big belt? Sign me up, baby!" Duke Hazzard will not be at this week's Art of Grappling as he will be convalescing in his home in Houston. MAN O'WAR PROMISES A 'TRADITIONAL' APPROACH TO PICKING HIS MAYHEM REPRESENTATIVE Council Representative of ZEN: London, Man O'War is set to announce his match to decide the penultimate entrant in the United States of Mayhem at this week's Art of Grappling. The ZEN Original hasn't given too many details like many of his cohorts in the past few weeks but he has promised it will be in line with lucha libre traditions and ensure 'Victory will go to the fighter with the skill, endurance, and the strategic mind to see them through'. AMERICAN JUSTICE ACCEPTS STEREO'S CHALLENGE After concluding a VERY one-sided match with A-Maze-Ing Grace, Right to Party Holder Stereo demanded to face American Justice after the vigilante made his presence felt in the champ's match with Ollie Basham. American Justice has responded through a message given to us at the newswire simply reading: "I accept." A laconic competitor if ever there was one. KINSHIP TITLE MATCH SET FOR UNITED STATES OF FOOLS Following their victory in the three team elimination match at this past Art of Grappling, the Ghosts of Retribution have gained themselves a title match with the Legends of the Sea at United States of Fools. The Ghosts have an interesting history in ZEN: Boston, a well tenured pair that have distinctly never managed to win the Kinship Belts, they do have a sizeable experience advantage over the pirates. However, the champions have proved themselves a resourceful and dangerously clever duo and are very clearly NOT keen on losing their newfound booty. Which team will win out in the quest for that gold? Stay tuned after this week's Art of Grappling to find out at United States of Fools!

ZEN: The Art of Grappling Attendance: 535 Viewers: 108,283 On The ZEN Network The show began with Duke Hazzard coming out on stage in front of the entire locker room including his Regulators in the ring. Rob and Mac explained that this was apparently arranged by Eguchi of ZEN: Yamaguchi ahead of 'AMAZING' qualifer match announcement. As Hazzard took out a microphone and demanded Eguchi show himself, he was greeted by Eguchi on the big screen along with his interpreter Haley Buck who translated the words of the councilman... "Eguchi's match is the most amazing because everything Eguchi does is the most amazing! Eguchi has the most amazing concepts! The most amazing ideas! The most amazing-" "WILL YEW GIT ON WITH IT!?" "...ok! Eguchi says...WHOEVER PINS HAZZARD BEFORE THE NIGHT IS THROUGH GETS IN THE MATCH!" "WHAT!?!?!?!?" "...and I guess if he doesn't get pinned he gets to choose who to put in there himself. Fat chance. HAPPY HUNTING!" There was a moment of silence...then all of the roster fell on the Regulators in a mass beatdown before turning their attention to Hazzard, who began backing away. "N-now listen here ya'll, ya may think this is funny now but when ahm still Sheriff ah WILL re...mem...ber...this? Aw shucks, SCREW YOU EGUCHIIIIIII!" Hazzard fled to the back with most of the roster chasing him, the Regulators limping after and only the competitors for the opening match forced to stay behind (what with the match having Kinship belt implications). THE GHOSTS OF RETRIBUTION VS BROOKLYN'S FINEST VS SAMHAIN AND GLITCH Each of these teams were not working by the hour for two big reasons: One, a quick finish meant they could join in on the hunt for Hazzard going on backstage. Two, Samhain and Glitch absolutely needed to back up their Father-Mother Arona in said hunt. Thankfully the two tecnico duos were happy to oblige their need when the Ghosts hit Heaven's Crash on Glitch and eliminated the rudos first. From there the All-American pair and their ghostly foes had a high-octane (if completely clean) bout that eventually saw Freedom Eagle take a second Heaven's Crash for the Ghosts to continue building their momentum. WINNERS VIA PINFALL: THE GHOSTS OF RETRIBUTION Backstage Duke Hazzard's flight was suddenly blocked by Jay Fair, who looked smug as can be at this turn of events after what happened at United States of Shamrocks. Hazzard snarled at the senior official before breaking into a smirk of his own. "Don't yew gimme that look. It's just yew and that girl on the payroll, two people cain't be anywhere! All ah gotta do is avoid yew two and ahm golden!" Fair's smirk only grew as he lifted a hand and snapped his fingers. Hazzard's jaw dropped as a veritable zebra (the collective noun for a group of refs) showed up behind Jay, who explained Eguchi made certain to fly his brothers and sisters in officiating in to make sure if someone took out Hazzard tonight, someone WOULD be there to count the pin. Hazzard's eye twitched- "HE'S OVER HERE GET HIM!" -but any retort he could give was cut off into a shrill yelp as several of the roster came running down the hall, jockeying for position to try and get at him first. The referees gave one another a nod each and spread out to ensure a sufficiently dragnet should a pin occur in the building... TYRONE GRAY VS KASHMIR SINGH High Energy came into this match not working by the hour, and Singh came in actively trying to keep his tag partner from obliviously paying Gray by the hour. This ended about as well as you could expect for the long-suffering veteran as he succeeded in yanking away a handful of cash from Devonshyre...only for said dolla dolla bills to go flying everywhere when he took the Tumbleweed from Tyrone. Tyrone made a few poses for the crowd before Diamond Deuce came running down and hurriedly gestured for his rival-turned-friend to come to the back and rejoin the merry chase. WINNER VIA PINFALL: TYRONE GRAY The cameras caught up with The Outrageous Arona in the car park backstage as he was seemingly lying in wait to ambush Duke, the camera drifted off to the side show the sight of...a limo of all things rolling in. "Do not look upon the extravagant conveyance, foolish cameraman, look upon my soon to be triumph!" Successfully chided, the camera turned its attention back to Arona crouched next to a dumpster like a pervert only registering the sound of the limo door opening and closing as a set of footsteps grew closer. Voice: "Yo my man, you see a fella named Hazzard around anywhere?" Arona turned and hissed...no like literally hissed at the offscreen interloper. Arona: "Do not distract me! The title shot is mine, you disco-haired dingbat! Mine!" Voice: "Whooooa, okay starshine, no need to bite my head off. Yo by the way, Animal Farm over there's got an eye on you and I'm thinkin' they about to go Orwellian on yo-" "GET HIM!" Arona: "OH NO! THE CHASER HAS BECOME THE CHASED! FLEE WITH ME CAMERAMAN!" Arona drags the camera operator off, the shot only getting a brief glimpse at the suit our newcomer is wearing as they look back to get a glimpse of Cheetah Boy and the Golden Glory running after Arona. Another cut backstage found another altercation underway as Pumpkin Jack dodged a garbage can shot from Robbie Wright in what was clearly a pick up from their fight at the end of last week's show. Robbie's brothers in the Frat were nowhere to be seen as both men laid into each other with repeated shots before Wright football tackled Jack through a door into a nearby restroom. The girlish scream from inside seemed to indicate it was the Women's room but it soon became apparent Duke Hazzard was the culprit as he daintily leaped over both men before screaming for his boys in the Regulators to come help him. This only got more roster members on his tail causing him to continue running for his life as we cut back for our next match. STEREO VS A-MAZE-ING GRACE Grace looked anxious coming into this one considering he'd given up on catching Hazzard without realizing it, he then looked unconscious as he got smashed with an Emancipation Proclamation from the Right to Party Holder who was having NONE of the masked man's antics. WINNER VIA PINFALL: STEREO Stereo took a microphone and declared he had no intention of going after Hazzard tonight because he had his own issues to deal with. He called out American Justice, the man who got in his business at United States of Shamrocks and turned what should've been a victory for party people everywhere into a confusing mess of conspiracies and cracked sternums. Stereo threw out the challenge, he wanted Justice at United States of Fools and he was willing to put up the Right to Party to make it happen. He threw down the mic and went to the back, passing a limping Grace on the way...who immediately got bowled over by Arona who was running for his life to the ring from Cheetah Boy and his new allies. THE GOLDEN PIG VS THE OUTRAGEOUS ARONA With his family nowhere to be found, Arona spent the early goings of this match on the backstep as Pig blitzed him with high-speed manuevers. With CB and Fox at ringside to screen any attempts to flee, Arona's original attempts to flee the ring were met with a pseudo-lumberjack match response, getting tossed right back in. However, it wasn't long before A-Maze-Ing Grace -apparently blaming the tecnicos for his earlier fall- got involved and shoved CB, allowing Arona to slip out of the ring and ambush Fox to try and get some breathing room. Seeing a chance to fly, Pig leapt onto the top rope and went for a springboard shooting star press onto the melee...that Arona dodged away from at the last moment. Picking the bones of the carnage, the Outrageous One grabbed Pig up from the ground and smashed him face first into a ringpost before throwing him in the ring for a follow up piledrive that left him wide open for a moonsault senton that saw the rudo get the victory, leaving Pig down and out for CB and Fox to tend to as he escaped. WINNER VIA PINFALL: THE OUTRAGEOUS ARONA Catching up with Duke Hazzard, the cameras caught him stumbling into a side room, panting and groaning...then he realized who he was sharing it with. "Ah, Mr. Hazzard, I have been expecting you." Hazzard desperately tried to turn around and escape the room but SUPREME Yoshida gently took him by the shoulders and led him back in, assuring Duke he had nothing to fear. Eisenism, it turns out, had nothing but respect for authority figures (especially the corrupt ones) and she had prepared a ritual that would ensure no ambushing heathen would defeat him this night. She played relaxing music and told Hazzard to free his mind as she slipped away from view... Hazzard yelped in terror as the theme song of the Frat jolted him out of whatever relaxation he was experiencing as he was suddenly rolled up by Yoshida! Pee-Wee Germaine of CZCW fame dove in and started the count! 1! 2! Hazzard kicked out, screamed that Yoshida was crazy and threw himself out the door to continue running! Germaine shrugged and told Yoshida better luck next time but the High Priestess of Eisenism was crying with an awed smile on her face. "He kicked out of the surprise theme song roll up. Truly he is blessed by Richard." Germaine shrugged and we cut to our main event of the night... QT PI VS BRADLEY BLAZE This match had two things that made Bradley Blaze angry in its. 1) The fact that he was out here and not bodyguarding Duke Hazzard meant potentially anyone could take the next spot in the scramble match. 2) Harry Allen was at ringside when he SHOULD have been helping Hazzard out. Blaze made his distaste for Allen interfering in his business known from the jump and that allowed QT PI to get some very good early shots in on the Dallas Cowboy while showing her own disdain for the man who got her girlfriend banished from ZEN. With the champion leaned against a ring barrier with his hat brim down low, QT's early advantage was halted by a rake to the eyes from Blaze who proceeded to take great pleasure in giving the Brainiac Belle a crash course in weardown holds and brutal slams. Setting up a Dallas Drop DDT, Blaze suddenly found himself caught with an inside cradle for a nearfall that he kicked out of...directly into the PI's Paradox! With Allen smirking at ringisde, Blaze barely managed a rope break, clutching his arm that QT had been cranking on. Trying to get back into the game with his usual brawling style, Blaze found himself again getting outsped and outmanuevered by the smaller luchadora until he was slammed right back into the ropes. As QT fed off the audience's support, Harry Allen stepped forward with his belt on his shoulder and looked smugly in Blaze's face. "How's that little lady treatin' ya, partner?" Blaze's hands shot out lightning fast and grabbed the belt, going to turn around and wallop QT with it -clearly more interested in doing damage than winning the match- but Harry kept a grip on it, gritting his teeth as the two hardboiled cowpokes played tug-of-war. Finally Blaze's grip was the one that failed due to the fatigue of the match and he stumbled back, twisting directly into a Knee+Face=Defeat from QT for the biggest upset of her career brought on directly by Blaze's own hubris. As he hand was raised, QT glared at Allen who merely tipped his hat at his former pupil and began walking his way to the back... WINNER VIA PINFALL: QT PI Speaking of backstage, it was a scene of chaos as the approach to Duke Hazzard's office had become a scene of war. People were laid out all around, the few standing not in much condition to keep fighting as they leaned against what they could. Crawling along this mess was Duke Hazzard, trying not to be spotted as he inched himself, wormlike, towards his door and ever so slowly crawled over the bodies of both Big Hoss and Deadly Deadsot to get inside. With a sigh and groan, he found himself looking up at Jay Fair as he kicked the door closed behind him. Chuckling evilly he pointed at the senior official with a wobbling finger... "I...did it...suck on...them apples...haaaaa..." And flopped onto the floor, knocked out from the strain this whole ordeal had put on him. "Ayo Hazzard, where you at, man!?" That's when the door opened and someone's shoe stepped directly onto the Sheriff's belly. "What the-?" 1! 2! 3! "WHAT!?" Jay Fair grinned, nodding to the man who'd just punched his ticket to the main event of United States of Mayhem. "Congrats, sir, you're getting yourself a title shot." "...does everybody get this kinda treatment on their first day? Think I might like it here..."