USPW: Where Ages 65 and Older Get in For Free

[J Silver]

[QUOTE][B]Disclaimer[/B]: This diary is being done for fun. In other words none of it is to be taken seriously because let's face it, taking USPW seriously could seriously cause a need for anti-depressants.[/QUOTE] [CENTER][SIZE="4"] And so it begins...[/SIZE][/CENTER] It started out like any normal Saturday. As normal as my life gets anyways. I woke up, I ate lunch, I showered and then I did whatever it was my girlfriend was forcing me into this weekend. On the plate for today was going to an auction house to look for some furniture. Why? Because she has no clue what the words garage sale mean. When we got there we went our separate ways. As fun as trying to outbid some old people for something I don't want to begin with sounds like fun, I think I'll pass. I wandered the halls for a little while and eventually settled on sitting around trying to count the number of little holes there are in the ceiling tiles. Eventually I got bored with that too, so I went to look for my gf. I had no idea which room she was in so I just had to politely walk into each room and survey it. Yes, barging into an auction and yelling for her is polite, thank you very much. I had checked about 5 rooms now, but still no sign of her. Or maybe she was avoiding me. Who knows. Anyways, I have no idea what was so different about the 6th room I checked but for some reason I didn't just randomly shout out for her, I kept my mouth shut and looked around. It was mostly because my voice was starting to get hoarse, but it's the principle that matters. The auctioneer, the loud annoying guy who talks fast(for those who may not know), was seeming desperate to get rid of whatever it was he was selling, he was even going down on the opening bid of $25. He kept getting lower and lower and I became more and more curious what the hell he was auctioning. Eventually he starting going pretty low. "[COLOR="Purple"]$5, $5, only $5. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. This is the kind that only comes once in a lifetime. $5, only $5. Anyone? Anyone at all? Come on people, I'm practically giving it away[/COLOR]" Then I just had to open my mouth. "[COLOR="Blue"]One dollar.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Purple"]$1, we got $1. Anyone wanna make it 1 fitty? Ah, who the hell am I kidding? Sold for $1. Congratulations sir, you just bought something one of a kind.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]So what the hell did I just buy?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Purple"]A job.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]What kind of job?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Purple"]You're a booker now.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Wait, what? I work at a library now?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Purple"]No, you're booking for a wrestling company.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Oh. That kind of booker.[/COLOR]" After a long pause for contemplation I had to ask "[COLOR="Blue"]What company am I booking for?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Purple"]You're the new head booker of United States Pro Wrestling.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Can I have the dollar back instead?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Purple"]No sorry, you just signed a legally binding document.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]No I didn't.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Purple"]You did verbally and we have proof. This place is bugged with microphones everywhere.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]And what if I just don't pay you the dollar?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Purple"]Then we'll sue your ass.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"].......great.......[/COLOR]" Well, at least the gf can't keep bothering me with all the "When are you going to get a job", "I can't pay these bills alone." "We're 3 months behind on the rent.", "I told you the power was going to get shut off today.", "Here's a paper now start looking." crap she bugs me with. Speaking of the 'ol lady here she is. And she has has that 'I just bought a whole bunch of junk you'll never use and I'll stop using after a week' look on her face. I told her that I just got a job. After the initial burst of joy came the painfully obvious question "[COLOR="Green"]Wait, how the hell did you get a job?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]I bought it, and it didn't come with a receipt either.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]So what exactly does this job entail?[/COLOR]" Here comes the fun part....

[D16NJD16]

Sure to be a very rowdy crowd. :D

[J Silver]

[SIZE="3"]"[B]WHAT!!![/B]"[/SIZE] Those were the first words out of her mouth after I told her that I was booking for USPW. She's not much of a wrestling fan, but even she knows of the black hole of talent, skill, youth, and any possible redeeming quality that USPW is. It's not like I want to work there either, but if I don't I get sued. On the bright side it is a paying job. I think. I'll find out tomorrow when I meet with Sam Strong and Danny Jillefski anyways. [CENTER][IMG]http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d105/jsilver536/250px-Springfield-retirement.jpg[/IMG] [B]The Next Day[/B]: USPW Headquarters: Irony of the Day- It used to be a retirement castle.[/CENTER] Old people smell overtakes me and I wish I had a clothespin as I walk inside. I go up to the receptionist who is well past 70 I'd say. I asked her where I could go to see Mr. Strong. She put on her glasses which looked like 2 magnifying lenses welded together and asked me "[COLOR="MediumTurquoise"]Do you have an appointment here hot stuff?[/COLOR]" After the initial creepiness of that statement wore off I answered "[COLOR="Blue"]Yeah, I just bought job here and I have to see Mr. Strong about it.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="MediumTurquoise"]Second floor, down the hall 3 doors to the right. And do come back now handsome.[/COLOR]" I'm not even 5 steps into this place and it's already scaring the heebie jeebies out of me. And now I'm talking like an old person too, dammit. I took the stairs up to the second floor, went down the hall and into the room 3 doors to the right. It was the kitchen. I went back down to the receptionist. "[COLOR="MediumTurquoise"]Done already, hot stuff?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]You just sent me to the kitchen.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="MediumTurquoise"]Well where's my prune juice?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Huh?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="MediumTurquoise"]I thought I told you I wanted you to get me some prune juice.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]And I thought I told you that I was here to see Sam Strong.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="MediumTurquoise"]You're even cuter when you're angry. If you want to see Mr. Strong he's 5 doors down to the right.[/COLOR]" Well, that was still creepy, but at least I know where to go now. I went back up to the second floor and went in the door 5 down and to the right. It was the janitors closet. This was going to be a long day. I went back down to the receptionist and asked "[COLOR="Blue"]Did you want a mop for some reason?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="MediumTurquoise"]What can I help you with now cutie pie?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]I went up to the second floor and went to the door 5 down and to the right. It was a janitors closet.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="MediumTurquoise"]I never told you to go to the second floor.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]You never told me not to.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="MediumTurquoise"]I said 5 to the right.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Fine. Whatever. I'm going.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="MediumTurquoise"]I'll be here when you get back hot stuff.[/COLOR]" This is just giving me more reason not to like old people. Anyways, I went 5 doors down the hall on the first floor and prepared myself to find the bathroom. This was one time I was glad to be wrong. I found Sam Strong behind his desk flanked by Danny Jillefski and a big angry looking dude. The big angry guy came up to me and looked down on me very intimidating like. Then he opened his mouth and blew the illusion. In a high pitched voice he asked "[COLOR="Purple"]Do you have a reason to be here punk?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]I just bought a job here and...[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Purple"]Speak up, I can't hear you.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Say it don't spray it Sasquatch. I said I'm here to talk to Sam.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Purple"]Do you want to take this outside?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Why? So you can be in your natural habitat?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]Stop it, both of you. Tiny, stop picking a fight with this man.[/COLOR]" Sam yelled out very irritated. "[COLOR="Purple"]But he hurt my feelings.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]That's no reason to hurt his body though. Mr, I didn't catch your name.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]It's Jay, just call me that.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]Well Jay, why don't you have a seat?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Has Tiny sat on it? I don't want it collapsing on me.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Purple"]That's it. You're done bitch!![/COLOR]" Tiny charged me but Danny held him back. I'm great at making friends, aren't I? Sam was getting pretty mad at the whole situation. "[COLOR="Green"]Stop it now Jay or I'll have you fired.[/COLOR]" A smile crept its way onto my face "[COLOR="Blue"]Really? Hey sasquatch, you smell like ****. Standing in the rain isn't a shower, ya know.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]You want to get fired, don't you?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Yes sir I do.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]Too bad.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]What, why not? Did I not just prove I'm a classless coward and unfit for working with the public in any capacity?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]Yes, but we need a scapegoat. You're perfectly qualified for that position.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]A scapegoat? But the receipt said head booker.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]That was just a formality. You're really here because this company is sinking faster than the Titanic.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Or dying faster than half the roster?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]I don't like you taking shots at my employees.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]I don't care. Let them hate me all they want. Any of them try to touch me I'll pull their walker out from under them and leave 'em helpless.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]You're very easy to hate.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]It's a natural gift. Look Mr. Strong, I really do not want this job. Is there any way out of it.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]Well, I suppose...[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]What? What is it? Anything, I'll do anything.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]If you really want out of this contract so bad then all you have to do is find a replacement.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Can do sir.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]A qualified replacement.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Dammit. I mean can do.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]And no taking a hobo off the street and dressing him up either.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]There goes plan B.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]I await meeting your replacement Jay.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]I'll have them right away.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]Good, because if you don't by Tuesday you're going to have to do your job.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Wouldn't want that sir.[/COLOR]" I walked out of that office with a smile on my face, and possibly some of Tiny's spit on my face too, but I'd rather not think about that one. I walked down the hall ready to leave this building today and get fired tomorrow. Unfortunately I had to walk past that receptionist. She had one leg up on her desk and was leaning back in her chair, she winked at me as I was coming by and then poured prune juice on her shirt. Now that was a true test of my gag reflexes. And now to get fired...

[J Silver]

[QUOTE=D16NJD16;201108]Sure to be a very rowdy crowd. :D[/QUOTE] Tell me about it. There'll be a riot over whose teeth belong to who.

[Rob4590]

[QUOTE=D16NJD16;201108]Sure to be a very rowdy crowd. :D[/QUOTE] He wasn't talking about the CROWD being that age!!! :p just the wrestlers ;)

[J Silver]

[QUOTE=Rob4590;201114]He wasn't talking about the CROWD being that age!!! :p just the wrestlers ;)[/QUOTE] The crowd, the wrestlers, the staff, the production team, the secretary. Take your pick, they were all around during Lincolns presidency. -------- One newspaper ad and message board spamming later I had an applicant. His application was......... interesting, he isn't qualified at all for a job that requires thinking, but a little white-out can change that no problem. I welcomed him into my office. [CENTER][IMG]http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d105/jsilver536/rman1.jpg[/IMG][/CENTER] "[COLOR="Blue"]Hello Mr. ....[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]Nibbler, but my friends just call me Erik.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Friends, sure. Anyways here on your application it says that you work for a pet store. What exactly do you do there?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]I clean up stuff.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Alright, sounds fine. What exactly makes you think you're qualified to book a wrestling company?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]Could I just ask how much this job pays?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]I wouldn't know.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]Oh, alright.[/COLOR]" A long pause followed. "[COLOR="Blue"]You still didn't answer the question.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]Which one?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]The one about why you think you're qualified to do what I do.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]What do you do?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]I dunno, I haven't read the job description yet. But this isn't my job interview so let me ask the questions here.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]I'm sorry.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]You should be. Now for my next question, If you were in charge here what would you do?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]I would probably hire that Ultimate Parrot guy.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]It's phoenix.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]Parrot, phoenix, they all taste the same to me.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Taste?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]Yes.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]You mean like eat?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]Yea. They go really well with cat.[/COLOR]" I had to take a moment to think after that. "[COLOR="Blue"]You think you'll be able to keep your cannibalism secret in a meeting?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]Will it be over dinner?[/COLOR]" A long pause from me came as I contemplated the decision, "[COLOR="Blue"][B]Next!![/B][/COLOR]"

[J Silver]

This show is an hour and a half? Dear god, we're gonna need 15 matches with the kind of stamina around these parts. And the product is 80% matches? How the... Anyways, on with the show. [CENTER][B]USPW American Wrestling[/B] Wednesday, Week 1, January 2007 Held at Pennsylvania Park in front of 2,000 people (Sold Out) [U]Main Show[/U][/CENTER] -Bruce the Giant made his way down to the ring. Many people used this time to go get something to eat or drink or use the bathroom. Once he got in the ring he grabbed a microphone. In his hard to understand Australian accent he mumbled out that he could beat any man. Hell, he could even beat 2 men at once. He then challenged anyones to come out to accept his challenge. Who would accept the challenge but the job squad, I mean Patrick Cool and Cheetah Boy. ([B][COLOR="Red"]B+[/COLOR][/B]) [U]-[B]Bruce The Giant def. Cheetah Boy and Patrick Cool[/B]-[/U] When Bruce is the best worker in a match you know it's gonna suck. Bruce had his way with Patrick while Cheetah Boy tried to stay out of the way. CB did alot of cat mannerisms during this match including licking himself. Luckily his back can only bend so far. In the end Bruce chokeslammed and pinned both men. [B]([COLOR="Red"]D-[/COLOR])[/B] [U] -[B]The Demons Of Rage def. The Hillbillies[/B]-[/U] This match was a vomit inducing good time. I wonder who would win in a race between the Demons, the Hillbillies and a snail. I'm not a betting man, but my money is on the snail. Anyways the Demons hit a Double Demon Down on one of the Hillbillies and got a win. [B]([COLOR="Red"]E+[/COLOR])[/B] -Devine has the unenviable job of getting the crowd excited to see a Corporal Doom match. Devine says that he's going to go out there and wipe the floor with The Corporal. ([B][COLOR="Red"]D[/COLOR][/B]) [U]-[B]Darryl Devine def. Corporal Doom[/B]-[/U] Doom is better than most of the veterans here, but that still doesn't mean that Devine can pull a good match out of him. During the match Doom worked on Devines legs, probably to slow him down. Obvious reasons for that one. Devine came back to life though and was able to hit a Devine Dream Drop. [B]([COLOR="Red"]D[/COLOR])[/B] -Jim Force makes his way down to the ring with a mic in hand and a weird staring look on his face. [B]Force[/B]: "[COLOR="Blue"][B]MICK MUSCLES, YOU STAND NO CHANCE AGAINST THE POWERFUL MIGHT THAT IS THE FOOOOOOORCE!!!! YOU WILL FEEL THE FOOOOOOORCE!!! MICK MUSCLES YOU WILL KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO TASTE THE TASTE THAT TATES LIKE DEFEEEEEEEEEAT!!!!!! YOU DO NOT STAND A CHANCE AGAINST THE POWER OF MY FOOOOOOOORCE!!!! RAAAARGHH!!!!!![/B][/COLOR]" If you understood what he was trying to say feel free to email me the hidden meaning. ([B][COLOR="Red"]C-[/COLOR][/B]) [U]-[B]Jim Force def. Mick Muscles[/B] by DQ-[/U] The match was going alright with Mick in control, but Force kept screaming out unintelligible sentences and it eventually got Mick to crack. Mick got a steel chair and smashed it over Forces head. The crowd cheered Mick on. What the..., I thought Mick was the heel. I guess they saw that Muscles was only trying to help Force by smashing steel in his face. You know the old saying: If it's broke, break it more. [B]([COLOR="Red"]D-[/COLOR])[/B] -The ref seems upset at Muscles attack on Force, so Mick hits the ref with the chair too. All I can say to this grotesque act is ROID RAGE ~! ([B][COLOR="Red"]E+[/COLOR][/B]) -Darryl Devine is backstage getting something to eat when Peter Valentine runs into him. Valentine stares Devine down, but Devine is pretty confused. [B]Valentine[/B]: "[COLOR="Green"]I hate you.[/COLOR]" [B]Devine[/B]: "[COLOR="Blue"]You do? Why?[/COLOR]" [B]Valentine[/B]: "[COLOR="Green"]Because.[/COLOR]" [B]Devine[/B]: "[COLOR="Blue"]Because why?[/COLOR]" [B]Valentine[/B]: "[COLOR="Green"]I don't need a reason to hate you. I just do.[/COLOR]" [B]Devine[/B]: "[COLOR="Blue"]Seriously, what's wrong with you?[/COLOR]" [B]Valentine[/B]: "[COLOR="Green"]I don't like you.[/COLOR]" [B]Devine[/B]: "[COLOR="Blue"]Yea, we've already established that.[/COLOR]" [B]Valentine[/B]: "[COLOR="Green"]I want you in a match next week.[/COLOR]" [B]Devine[/B]: "[COLOR="Blue"]Alright. Sounds good to me. Muffin?[/COLOR]" [B]Valentine[/B]: (Takes muffin) "[COLOR="Green"]Thanks.[/COLOR]" [B]Devine[/B]: "[COLOR="Blue"]You're welcome.[/COLOR]" [B]Valentine[/B]: "[COLOR="Green"]Jerk.[/COLOR]" ([B][COLOR="Red"]C[/COLOR][/B]) [U] -[B]Danny Rushmore def. Tom E. Hawk[/B]-[/U] And if we wanted to test our viewers "change the channel" tolerance levels we just did it. One more sucktacular match this week. Rushmore made Hawk submit. How? I don't know. [B]([COLOR="Red"]E+[/COLOR])[/B] -Backstage Freddie Datsun and T-Rex are arguing over who gets a shot at Bruce the Giant's title. I guess neither were here for the open challenge earlier. Danny Jillefski steps between the 2 and makes a match for tonight pitting T-Rex and Freddie Datsun against each other for a shot at Bruce and the World Championship at USPW Stars, Stripes and Slams. ([B][COLOR="Red"]C[/COLOR][/B]) [U]-[B]The Lords Of War def. Savage Fury[/B]-[/U] This was slightly better than the last tag team match on the show. The LoW are big, mean and old. Savage Fury are big, mean, and not as old. The crowd was hot for this entire match. Seriously, some idiot left the thermostat at 78. Anyways, The Lords hit a War Machine on Tribal Warrior for the win. [B]([COLOR="Red"]D-[/COLOR])[/B] -The Demons run out, or walk quickly if you want to be realistic here, and attack the Lords of war. The two teams brawl into the back. ([B][COLOR="Red"]C-[/COLOR][/B]) [U]-[B]Freddie Datsun def. T-Rex[/B]-[/U] The "Every match I think could be good, but then I find they have bad chemistry dammit" curse haunts me even in a different promotion. Datsun and T-Rex went back and forth in this match with Rex eventually outpowering Datsun. He beat on Datsun for a few minutes. Datsun caught a second wind and fired shot after shot against T-Rex eventually getting him down. Datsun finished Rex off with a Patriot Press. [B]([COLOR="Red"]D[/COLOR])[/B] -Datsun celebrates his win as Bruce the Giant runs to the ring. A good sell job by Datsun here as by the time Bruce got down to the ring Datsun could've left the ring, went out for a little something to eat, had a nap, and then walked casually back to the arena and got back in the ring. Think I'm overexaggerating? So what if I am? Anywho, when Bruce hit the ring he went after Datsun and chokeslammed him down. ([B][COLOR="Red"]B-[/COLOR][/B]) [U]Final Rating[/U] [B](D-)[/B] There are many words I can use to describe this show. Unfortunately "good" is not one of them. [QUOTE][U]The Alzheimer's Post Show Recap[/U]: [I]-Bruce The Giant def. Cheetah Boy and Patrick Cool (D-) -The Demons Of Rage def. The Hillbillies (E+) -Darryl Devine def. Corporal Doom (D) -Jim Force def. Mick Muscles by DQ (D-) -Danny Rushmore def. Tom E. Hawk (E+) -The Lords Of War def. Savage Fury (D-) -Freddie Datsun def. T-Rex (D)[/I][/QUOTE]

[Payne]

Very inventive. I will be reading this one for the commentary alone.

[MaxxHexx]

[QUOTE=J Silver;201208][B]Valentine[/B]: "[COLOR="Green"]I hate you.[/COLOR]" [B]Devine[/B]: "[COLOR="Blue"]You do? Why?[/COLOR]" [B]Valentine[/B]: "[COLOR="Green"]Because.[/COLOR]" [B]Devine[/B]: "[COLOR="Blue"]Because why?[/COLOR]" [B]Valentine[/B]: "[COLOR="Green"]I don't need a reason to hate you. I just do.[/COLOR]" [B]Devine[/B]: "[COLOR="Blue"]Seriously, what's wrong with you?[/COLOR]" [B]Valentine[/B]: "[COLOR="Green"]I don't like you.[/COLOR]" [B]Devine[/B]: "[COLOR="Blue"]Yea, we've already established that.[/COLOR]" [B]Valentine[/B]: "[COLOR="Green"]I want you in a match next week.[/COLOR]" [B]Devine[/B]: "[COLOR="Blue"]Alright. Sounds good to me. Muffin?[/COLOR]" [B]Valentine[/B]: (Takes muffin) "[COLOR="Green"]Thanks.[/COLOR]" [B]Devine[/B]: "[COLOR="Blue"]You're welcome.[/COLOR]" [B]Valentine[/B]: "[COLOR="Green"]Jerk.[/COLOR]" [/QUOTE] Best promo ever. Beats anything in WWE in the last 3 years.

[Unregistered]

Genious! Pure class! Keep up the good humor, and you've got a continued reader in me!

[J Silver]

Thank you to everyone who left a comment in this thread. It's definitely appreciated. ---------- Wow, that show was terrible. Maybe that'll be a sign to Sam Strong that I'm unfit and uncapable to save this company. Although I think at this point it would be better to convince him that I'm a horrible scapegoat, not photogenic at all. Anyways, it's time to try to find my replacement again. Mr. Nibbler was..... interesting to say the least, but I guess message boards aren't the best place to look for much of anything except people with no life complaining about everything. This time I decided to take out a professional looking ad. It goes a little something like this. [QUOTE] Looking for porffesional writer to work 3-4 days a weak. Experiense and digrees required. May work with the ederly from time to time. Paying job, porbably. Call Malthilde at 1-800-653-5239 to skedule appointment.[/QUOTE] Professional looking, huh? I even had it spellchecked. I just got my applicants resume. She has a college degree in writing, has a few books on the NY Times best sellers list and has volunteered at a retirement home. She's virtually perfect, how can anything go wrong now? [CENTER][IMG]http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d105/jsilver536/crazycatlady2.jpg[/IMG][/CENTER] I welcome her into my office and had to look again. She brought her cat with her? "[COLOR="Blue"]Hello Ms.....[/COLOR]" I should probably read the names off of these applications beforehand... "[COLOR="Green"]Katherine, but my friends just call me Kat.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Do all your friends have 4 legs?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]Why yes, how'd you know?[/COLOR]" Wasn't expecting that, "[COLOR="Blue"]Intuition.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]Oh, alright. What's that Mr. Fluffykins? You want to say hello? Say hello Mr. Fluffykins? Hello.[/COLOR]" She waving her cats paw btw pretending it's talking. "[COLOR="Blue"]Yea yea, hi furball.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]No no, it's Mr. Fluffykins.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Fine, Mr. Fuzzball. Now for your interview.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]Mr. Fluffykins doesn't like it when you get his name wrong.[/COLOR]" She's now holding up his paws like he wants to box me. "[COLOR="Blue"]Alright already, I'm sorry Mr. Whiskers.[/COLOR]" Sorry you have to deal with this woman. "[COLOR="Green"]Mr. Fluffykins!![/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Fine Mr. F*ucking Fluffykins. Are happy now? Can we get on with this goddam interview or do I have to clean out his litterbox too?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]You're making Mr. Fluffykins afraid.[/COLOR]" No more afraid than his normal days with you I'm sure. "[COLOR="Blue"]Sorry Fluffykins, don't piss on my carpet because of this.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]You won't have to worry about that, Mr. Fluffykins is house trained.[/COLOR]" Trained or captured I wonder "[COLOR="Blue"]Now can we get to the damn interview?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]Why of course. Why don't you stretch your legs out Mr. Fluffykins?[/COLOR]" I think that cat is formulating his escape plans right about now. Maybe I'll help him a little. "[COLOR="Blue"]Before that why don't I open up this window with no screen at all in it.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]As I always say, fresh air never killed anybody.[/COLOR]" Then I wonder what killed Fluffys will to live. Oh wait, I know the answer to that. "[COLOR="Blue"]Now here on your resume it says that you have 5 books on the best seller list.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]Why yes I'm very proud of my work.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Well I'm hoping that you can keep up that quality of work here at USPW Publishing Ltd. Co. R. LLC.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]Have you read any of my work?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Why of course. I read that one about the umm.... boy who had that..... thing and did...... something, you know the one, it was a book. The name slips my mind all the time.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]The Adventures of Huckleberry Smith and Mr. Paws?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Yea yea, that's the one, 'The Adventures of Dingleberry Smith and Mr. Jaws'.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]Ooo, what did you think of it?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]It, it was... great. It was a great coming of age story between a boy and his dinosaur.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]Dinosaur?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]I meant cat. Sorry I can't pronounce a damn thing with this gosh darned cold [I]*cough**cough*[/I][/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]Oh, is it contagious?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]No, not at all. So, when do you think you'd be able to start the job?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]What is the job?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]I'm not sure, they don't tell you for 3 month, or at least that's what they told me.[/COLOR]" I really should read that job description. "[COLOR="Green"]So long as it doesn't have to do with wrestling or anything violent. If Mr. Fluffykins is ever exposed to violence he'll go on a murderous, drug fueled killing spree stealing cars and shooting hookers like in those horrible, horrible games.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Hypothetically, what if this job was for a wrestling company? Hypothetically.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]I'm sorry but I would have to take down this hate mongering establishment.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Hmm, I see.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]Yes, but it's a good thing this is nothing more than a publishing company. Isn't that right Mr. Fluffykins?[/COLOR]" She goes and picks up Mr. Fluffykins. Stupid cat, you should've ran when you had the chance. I left the window open for a reason. "[COLOR="Blue"]Yea, of course. Nothing but a publishing company. Thank you for your time in this interview, but I don't think you're what we're looking for.[/COLOR]" Because you're nuttier than a can of Planters Peanuts. Now on sale at your local food store. This advertisement has generously been paid for by Planters. "[COLOR="Green"]Aww, that's too bad. Me and Mr. Fluffykins really liked you.[/COLOR]" [I]*Lightbulb*[/I] "[COLOR="Blue"]Well, I'm sorry that it didn't work out here at USPW Publishing Ltd. Co. R. LLC. However, I have a friend I'm sure would love to meet you and Mr. Fuzzball.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]Really?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Yup, his name is Erik Nibbler. He's working his second job down at the pet store right now. If you hurry you can catch him before his shift is over. Why don't you ask him out to dinner? Chinese maybe.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]Is he a publisher too?[/COLOR]" *silent pause* "[COLOR="Blue"]Sure, let's go with that.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]Oh thank you, thank you, you won't regret that decision.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Good luck.[/COLOR]" What?? Stop looking at me like that. I did it for that cat's own good. [I]*sniff*sniff*[/I] What's that smell? What the... That damn cat pissed on my carpet!!!!

[Jaded]

Superb! Really enjoying this :D

[J Silver]

[B]OOC[/B]: Before getting into the show let me just say something right now. I'm sure alot of people are going to wonder why I'm going this direction with USPW and the new talent. The answer is simple: USPW is a company based on entertainment, humor and being family friendly. Every USPW diary I see tries to make it into little more than a pure wrestling promotion with some storylines thrown in. That's not how I'm going to run this promotion though. With that said, on with the show. [CENTER][B]USPW American Wrestling[/B] Wednesday, Week 2, January 2007 Held at The Den in front of 2,000 people (Sold Out) [U]Dark Matches[/U][/CENTER] -Rudy Velasquez defeated William Hayes in 7:05 by pinfall with a Street Cutter. (D+) ([I]William Hayes and Rudy Velasquez have great chemistry. Well that's a nice change of pace.[/I]) -Bruce The Giant defeated T-Rex in 4:52 by pinfall with a Giant Choke Slam. (C) ([I]Selling problems of course[/I]) [CENTER][U] Main Show[/U][/CENTER] -Trent Shaffer and Frankie Perez, going by the tag team name The Dudez!!!1! Talk about the hillbillies. [B]Perez[/B]: "[COLOR="Blue"]Hey man, can you believe we have to wrestle a bunch of smelly hillbillies?[/COLOR]" [B]Shaffer[/B]: "[COLOR="Green"]Nah dude, but I'll tell you this, we ain't losing to inbreds.[/COLOR]" [B]Perez[/B]: "[COLOR="Blue"]I feel you on that man, we gonna go beat some hick ass.[/COLOR]" ([B][COLOR="Red"]D-[/COLOR][/B]) [U] -[B]The Dudez!!!1! def The Hillbillies[/B]-[/U] The Hillbillies were easy opponents for the Dudez, they couldn't move and the Dudez ran circles around them, literally. Luckily they didn't get caught in their gravitational fields. They put the Hillbillies away with a Perfect Parity, although I can't for the life of me remember telling them they could get their own finisher yet. Oh, and Perez and Shaffer can't do anything right together. Just figured I'd throw that out there. [B]([COLOR="Red"]E[/COLOR])[/B] -Thomas Morgan, newcomer to USPW as part of the New Talent Initiative (i.e. Prepare to replace geriatrics policy) is backstage with a guitar. He sits down on an equipment box and starts singing. Let me give you all a little idea of what it sounded like, ever hear the sound of a cat going through a meat grinder? ([I]This diary is starting to get full of animal cruelty jokes, huh?[/I]) Neither have I but I'd imagine it's not a pretty sound. [B]Morgan[/B]: "[COLOR="Blue"]Oh my name is Thomas Morgan I'm the geetar man, I'm the geetar man Playing when I can Dee dee dee dee dum, you hear the strum Of the geetar man Oh, the geetar man is back in a ring again.[/COLOR]" Morgan stops playing as people start throwing their drinks at him. ([B][COLOR="Red"]E+[/COLOR][/B]) -Backstage is Jacob Stranton, a new manager who has come to USPW as part of the NTI. [B]Stranton[/B]: "[COLOR="Blue"]I'd like to introduce myself, my name is Jacob Stranton and I'm new here in USPW. I'll hold on while the shock of hearing the words USPW and new used in the same sentence without the word not settles in. It came to my attention that this living museum was hiring and I figured I'd capitalize on it. I recently got back from a trip to the Samoan Islands, a place full of savages and beasts. I was able to capture one and have brought him back with me to do my bidding. I'd like everyone to meet Umaga.[/COLOR]" ([B][COLOR="Red"]D-[/COLOR][/B]) [U]-[B]Umaga def. Captain USA[/B]-[/U] Can you say squash? No, not craptacular, squash. Repeat after me, squash. Squash. Umaga squashed USA after a Savage Charge. [B]([COLOR="Red"]E[/COLOR])[/B] -And as if that wasn't bad enough Umaga decides to add injury to injury, kinda like adding 1+1, although I'm not so sure he can even do that. Stranton directed traffic as Umaga beat whatever life was left in USA out of him. Afterwards Stranton threw a pamphlet for a retirement home on him because he's concerned about his health. Hey, it's possible. ([B][COLOR="Red"]E[/COLOR][/B]) -Thomas Morgan is walking around backstage covered in various colors of squishee strumming on his guitar. He bumps into Mean Jean Cattley. [B] Cattley[/B]: "[COLOR="Blue"]Watch where you're going dumbass.[/COLOR]" [B]Morgan[/B]: "[COLOR="Green"]Sorry. I didn't see you. I was busy working on this new song I'm writing. Hey, maybe I could sing it to you as an apology.[/COLOR]" [B]Cattley[/B]: "[COLOR="Blue"]You dare try singing and I hope for your sake you like the taste of guitar.[/COLOR]" [B]Morgan[/B]: "[COLOR="Green"]Sit down and relax while I tune my geetar.[/COLOR]" [B]Cattley[/B]: "[COLOR="Blue"]Listen to me you retard, If you even think about singing within 50 yards of me that guitar of yours is going to meet my friend.[/COLOR]" [B]Morgan[/B]: "[COLOR="Green"]Who's your friend?[/COLOR]" [B]Cattley[/B]: "[COLOR="Blue"]Mr. Woodchipper.[/COLOR]" [B]Morgan[/B]: "[COLOR="Green"]Now I can stand you insulting me, but the second you talk bad about my geetar you've crossed the line. I challenge you to a match right now![/COLOR]" [B]Cattley[/B]: "[COLOR="Blue"]Fine with me, I got nothing better to do.[/COLOR]" ([B][COLOR="Red"]E+[/COLOR][/B]) [U][B] -Mean Jean Cattley def. Thomas Morgan[/B]-[/U] A pretty even match between the "Country Superstar" Thomas Morgan and Mean Jean Cattley. A pretty sucktacular one too. I guess that is contagious. Anyhow, in the end Cattley kicks Morgans guitar out from under the ring corner and Morgan goes to grieve about his fallen comrade. Cattley rolls him up and pulls the tights for the win. [B]([COLOR="Red"]E[/COLOR])[/B] -A pre-taped package airs for Citizen X. He's at a golf course and he's playing golf. Badly too, although the cheesy editing makes it look as though he always gets a hole in one. Cheesy inspirational music plays in the background as well. At the end X says that he's coming to USPW to beat their stars at what they're best at, golf. ([I]Because it sure ain't wrestling.[/I]) ([B][COLOR="Red"]D[/COLOR][/B]) -The Lords of War have an interview about a match with the Demons of Rage. Add in the Leprechauns of Lucky Charms and it may just get interesting, but enough insults for now. The Lords say they've been around the block before, multiples times. Understatement anyone? The Lords say that after that attack last night ([I]The brain cells are always the first to go[/I]) the Demons crossed the line attacking them from behind. Tonight Pain is going to put Anger in pain. Oh, that's so punny. ([B][COLOR="Red"]C[/COLOR][/B]) [U]-[B]Warlord Pain drew with Demon Anger[/B]-[/U] Nearly 8 whole excruciating (for the fans) minutes into this match and Pains chest is in pain. Oh, and the "Every match I think could be good, but then I find they have bad chemistry dammit" curse has a thing for me. I'm sure of it. Anyways, this match (mercifully) ended after each mans respective partners attacked the other guys partner. [B]([COLOR="Red"]D[/COLOR])[/B] -A video package airs from "Maxmillion Productions" [B]Zeus Maxmillion[/B]: "[COLOR="Blue"]My name is Zeus Maxmillion and I am an exceptional director and fantastic wrestler. I have been contacted by USPW to help their production team because the arthritis is really dragging them down. But, I am The Great Zeus Maxmillion and I am an artist. I will not abandon my craft for some old fossils, but I will use what I have and improvise. Today I bring you a special behind the scenes look at the making of my new epic movie, 'Epic Movie'.[/COLOR]" The package cuts to Rudy Velasquez dressed like a soldier with an Uzi in one hand and his lines written in sharpie on the other. T-Rex is there too, and he's in a wig. Here's a little sample of the script. [B]Velasquez[/B]: "[COLOR="Green"]Oh Rexina, I'm gonna pop a cap in the ass of whatever Martian killed your Fathers, uncles, brothers, second cousin twice removeds, nieces, daughters sister and avenge you.[/COLOR]" [B]Rex[/B]: "[COLOR="Purple"]Oh Commander Braveguy, I think I'm in love.[/COLOR]" Zeus is back on screen now. "[COLOR="Blue"]I'll reveal my masterpiece next week. Be there or be a loser.[/COLOR]" ([B][COLOR="Red"]D-[/COLOR][/B]) -Jim Force is backstage ranting on about something or other. I still can't understand a damn thing he's saying. [B]Force[/B]: "[COLOR="Blue"][B]MICK MUSCLES, YOU HALFWITTED PERVEYOR OF PERVILENCE. YOU HAVE PERSERVERED THROUGH THE FORCE OF THE FORCE, BUT YOU WILL NOT BE CAPABLE OF CONVEYING THE CARTHOID OF PAIN THAT I WILL INFLICT UPON YOOOOOOOOOOU!!!!! THE FORCE WILL CRUSH YOUR ABILITY TO BEAT ME AND SEE ME THROUGH TO THE VERY END!!!!! I WILL CUSTOMIZE A CRUEL CANUNDRUM FOR ANYONE WHO DARE TRY TO STEP IN THE WAY OF THE FORCE AND CAUSE THE FORCE TO LOSE FOOOOOOOORCE!!!! BUY MY MERCHANDISE. THE FORCE WILL TEAR THROUGH THE VERY MARBLE FIBERS OF YOUR BEING!!!!!!!! RARRRRGGHHH!!!![/B][/COLOR]" Lucky for the fans "Mr. Hole in One" Citizen X is here as he bends a golf club over Forces head. I think we can all be thankful for that. ([B][COLOR="Red"]C-[/COLOR] for psycho babble, [COLOR="Red"]E+[/COLOR] for attack[/B]) [U]-[B]Citizen X def. Jim Force for the [COLOR="RoyalBlue"]USPW National title[/COLOR][/B]-[/U] Not much to say about this match. Force was knocked loopy from the golf club shot and never recovered. X hits a Hole in One on Force and uses the ropes for leverage. X becomes the new National Champion. [B]([COLOR="Red"]D-[/COLOR])[/B] -Freddie Datsun is in Danny Jillefskis office demanding a shot at Bruce the Giants Championship. Jillefski says that he'll think about it, but Datsun doesn't like that answer. Jillefski, after some gentle persuasion (or threatening physical injury, whichever you prefer), grants Datsun a match with Bruce at Stars, Stripes, and Slams! ([B][COLOR="Red"]C[/COLOR][/B]) -Darryl Devine had to get people excited for a Corporal Doom match last week and now he has to get them excited about a Peter Valentine match. I feel bad for the guy, I really do. He's still not getting a raise, but I feel for the guy. During the interview Devine said he still has no idea what Valentines problem with him is, but he'll beat him anyways. Devine walks off screen. Valentine now walks on screen. He has a muffin in his hand and an angry look on his face. He takes a bite of the muffin and then walks off screen. Okay.... ([B][COLOR="Red"]C[/COLOR][/B]) [U] -[B]Darryl Devine def. Peter Valentine by DQ[/B]-[/U] Valentine had a look of anger on his face while Devine was still confused what he'd done to him. Devine was in control of most of this match. Valentine became infuriated and pulled a pair of brass knuckles out of his tights and leveled Devine with them. [B]([COLOR="Red"]D-[/COLOR])[/B] [U][B]-Freddie Datsun def. Corporal Doom[/B]-[/U] The 37 year old and the 49 year old locked up in the main event of the night. Why was it the main event? Because I had a feeling everything else tonight would suck and damn was I right. I think this match saved the show too. Datsun controlled most of the match, but Doom was able to get his shots in too. Datsun was able to put Doom away with a Patriot Press. [B]([COLOR="Red"]C-[/COLOR])[/B] -Datsun celebrates keeping his back to where Bruce is coming from for the entire time it takes for Bruce to get down to the ring. I'm starting to think about getting the interns to put skate boards on the bottom of his feet and push him down to the ring. It would sure save alot of peoples attention spans from mindless death. Anyways Bruce rolls into the ring and puts his angry face on and Datsun finally turns around. He then gets chokeslammed. ([B][COLOR="Red"]B[/COLOR][/B]) Final Rating ([B]D+[/B]) This New Talent Initiative may take a little while to work. [QUOTE][U]The Alzheimer's Post Show Recap[/U]: [I]-The Dudez!!!1! defeated The Hillbillies (E) -Umaga defeated Captain USA (E+) -Mean Jean Cattley defeated Thomas Morgan (E) -Warlord Pain drew with Demon Anger (D) -Citizen X defeated Jim Force (D-) -Darryl Devine defeated Peter Valentine (D-) -Freddie Datsun defeated Corporal Doom (C-)[/I][/QUOTE]

[J Silver]

I'm sure at least someone noticed a few missing faces from the last show, so here's the story of how I cleaned up USPW. ----------- [B] Thursday Morning, January 7 2007[/B]. The Office was quiet as I awaited the presence of a select few very special workers from the roster. I could hear crickets chirping, I could hear the rats tunneling through my walls, I could still smell the cat piss. Then, it happened. Into my office came these very special workers who I was going to reward. Cheetah Boy, Patrick Cool, Tom Hawk, Bull Wrecker, Oscar, Robbie Sanchez, and Sheik Mustafa. They entered my office, smiles on faces, a smile on mine (you'll understand later). I greeted them "[COLOR="Blue"]Hello gentlemen, I hope you're doing well.[/COLOR]" They all talked of how great this was that they were here for their rewards. I assured them they would thank me for this someday. I handed out brown manila envelopes, now available at your local Staples stores nationwide, to the workers. They had their names written in magic marker on them. My sharpie had cat piss on it too, sue me. With excited faces all around I told them to open their envelopes. They did. The looks on their face were priceless, which is why I had my digital camera, buy now at your local Best Buy, on hand. Out they all pulled a very special pink slip of paper. Written on it were the magical words "You're fired bitches. Pack up your stuff and don't let the door hit you on the way out." Shock engulfed the room. I'm not sure why, any idiot coulda seen that one coming. An uproar in my tiny office (and I mean tiny, 10x10 is all I get?) broke out. I stood atop the desk and yelled "[COLOR="Blue"]Everyone shut the f*** up!!![/COLOR]" All their yelling was now thrown at me. "[COLOR="Blue"]Alright everyone shut the f*** up!!! I can't hear all of your pointless complaints at the same time. Go one at a time dammit.[/COLOR]" Mustafa was first. "[COLOR="Green"]I'M OUTRAGED!!![/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]And I'M DEAF!!! You don't have to yell, I'm standing right here.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]I'm outraged. After all the time and energy I put into this place you're just going to kick me to the curb?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]That was the plan.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]Do my contributions mean nothing?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]What contributions?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]Do my blood, sweat and tears mean nothing?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Pretty much.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]Why are you doing this to me?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]You expect me to pay your old wrinkled ass to be a road agent?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]Yes. Is there a problem with that?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]If you can't do your job properly then you don't deserve a job. Now get your old ass out of my office before I throw you out.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]I need to put food in my families mouth.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Your wife's dead and your kids live on their own.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]Yea, well I still need to eat.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Get a job with NYCW, I hear they like old guys with no talent. Whatever you do get the hell out of my office.[/COLOR]" Mustafa is visually broken. He sulks out of my office. I'm starting to feel a little bad right now. "[COLOR="Blue"]Hey. Mustafa.[/COLOR]" His eyes lit up "[COLOR="Green"]Yes?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]You forgot your cane.[/COLOR]" There, now I feel better. "[COLOR="Blue"]Anyone else?[/COLOR]" Bull Wrecker and Tom Hawk left my office. I guess they realize that they suck, the rest, not so much. Cheetah Boy steps up now. "[COLOR="Green"]Why do I have to lose my job?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Because I have to clear up the roster for younger wrestlers.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]But I'm young.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Yea, but you suck.[/COLOR]" Cheetah Boy quietly sulked out of my office. I think I broke his spirit. I'm getting good at this. Next up to bat was Patrick Cool. A little background on this guy to tell you what he's like. His character is a guy who's cool. How is he cool? Because he wears a baseball cap, but not just any ordinary baseball cap, a backwards cap ~! He then expects the fans to connect with him because he's cool. Unfortunately for him he was never able to get over. Why? There are 3 reasons for that, 1. He sucks in the ring, 2. He sucks on the mic (and English in general), and 3. He sucks at character development. Now onto his argument. "[COLOR="Green"]Why do I have to get fired?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Why wouldn't I fire you?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]Because I'm a great wrestler, I'm good on the stick and the people love me.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]How many Patrick Cool action figures have we sold?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]I don't know. Nobody told me.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Nobody told you because nobody bought any.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]I though you said you were doing this to bring in young talent.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]I am.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]But we are young talent.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]In the bylines of the holy book of booking, chapter 72, section 10, sub-section 4, foot-note 11 it also says to get rid of talent who suck.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]And where is this book?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]I'm working on the publishing deal right now.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]This ain't cool dawg.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Neither are you.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]I ain't leaving until I get my paycheck from last month.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]You didn't get paid because you didn't work you nimrod. Now if you're done making an idiot out of yourself get the f*** out of my office.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]I'm gonna sue you for this.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Why don't you hire a detective to find your talent for you first? Oh right, there never was any.[/COLOR]" Patrick Not Cool left my office angry. Well, 4 out of 5 ain't a bad number. Before Oscar or Sanchez could say anything I pointed to each of them and explained my reasoning. "[COLOR="Blue"]You suck and you suck. Now get outta here.[/COLOR]" Make that 6 out of 7. I think that went rather well........

[Astil]

Ever see angry Video Game Nerd. You remind me of him. "You suck so much **** you **** suck."

[J Silver]

[QUOTE=Astil;201741]Ever see angry Video Game Nerd. You remind me of him. "You suck so much **** you **** suck."[/QUOTE] I have now thanks to Youtube. A bit excessive isn't he? In a few days I'll have up my angry nerd interview posted. It's like I used him as a character before knowing he even existed. Wierd. Btw, playing with USPW the word suck is very hard NOT to use.

[Astil]

[QUOTE=J Silver;201749]I have now thanks to Youtube. A bit excessive isn't he? In a few days I'll have up my angry nerd interview posted. It's like I used him as a character before knowing he even existed. Wierd. Btw, playing with USPW the word suck is very hard NOT to use.[/QUOTE] No, he's not excessive, he should be your color commentator....in fact...hold that thought, I'm adding him into my thread/diary/journal/thing. "I'd rather watch diarehea ooze out of a rhinocerouses ass than watch a Bruce the Giant vs. Giant Redwood Match"

[J Silver]

[QUOTE=Astil;201753]No, he's not excessive, he should be your color commentator....in fact...hold that thought, I'm adding him into my thread/diary/journal/thing. "I'd rather watch diarehea ooze out of a rhinocerouses ass than watch a Bruce the Giant vs. Giant Redwood Match"[/QUOTE] I'd pity anybody who has to do commentary with him. "And Bruce throws a right." "Redwood no sells it like he always does. That piece of **** shouldn't be anywhere near a ****ing ring, he's dog ****, ******* *** **** and **** ** ***** ***** it he ****ing sucks." "........ Let's go to commercial break. Now."

[Astil]

[QUOTE=J Silver;201759]I'd pity anybody who has to do commentary with him. "And Bruce throws a right." "Redwood no sells it like he always does. That piece of **** shouldn't be anywhere near a ****ing ring, he's dog ****, ******* *** **** and **** ** ***** ***** it he ****ing sucks." "........ Let's go to commercial break. Now."[/QUOTE] Good point. Maybe a manager. I'm incorperating him in mine somehow.

[J Silver]

[QUOTE=Astil;201766]Good point. Maybe a manager. I'm incorperating him in mine somehow.[/QUOTE] I could make the point that he's the kind of person you don't want anywhere near a live mic, but if you want the censors on your ass with death threats that's completely up to you. :D

[Astil]

[QUOTE=J Silver;201767]I could make the point that he's the kind of person you don't want anywhere near a live mic, but if you want the censors on your ass with death threats that's completely up to you. :D[/QUOTE] This coming from the one who makes cannibalism and dead cat jokes. :D

[J Silver]

[QUOTE=Astil;201769]This coming from the one who makes cannibalism and dead cat jokes. :D[/QUOTE] Well in my defence we don't know if the cat's dead.;) Besides, I don't recall ever saying this diary was full of high brow humor. There was a disclaimer ya know.

[Astil]

[QUOTE=J Silver;201771]Well in my defence we don't know if the cat's dead.;) Besides, I don't recall ever saying this diary was full of high brow humor. There was a disclaimer ya know.[/QUOTE] Just like on Dunkin Dounuts Hot Chocolote. ***CAUTION: HOT*** Um, no ****? Sorry, that **** grinds my hears. That **** ****s more **** that its.... XP

[Derek B]

[QUOTE=Astil;201753]"I'd rather watch diarehea ooze out of a rhinocerouses ass than watch a Bruce the Giant vs. Giant Redwood Match"[/QUOTE] Thanks to the joys of chemistry I regularly get B- matches with that match. It actually helped me run some decent cards for a while before I'd gotten some decent talent elevated into the main event and before I'd found other people with good chemistry. :) Also, I'm just dropping by so I remember I'm reading this too. 8 out of the 11 USPW fans living in my head (and Dave the Tapeworm) give this two thumbs up!

[J Silver]

This job is slowly draining the life out of me. The stench of old people won't come out of my skin anymore, I think my hair is graying, I can't get the smell of cat piss out of my carpet, I can't book a show worth a damn in this company, that secretary is still hitting on me, and worst of all I can't find a damn replacement. Shouldn't getting fired be the easiest part of any job? I wanna avoid arson if I can, but it's not looking too good. 2 applicants already and both somehow are less qualified than me to be doing this job. The next applicant should be better, I made sure to check his medical history too. This one isn't insane. He seems competent enough. He's got the qualifications. He actually applied for the job. I don't see how this could go wrong. It will, but I don't see how. I hear the knock on my door "[COLOR="Blue"]Come on in.[/COLOR]" The door opens, but I don't see anyone there. I guess ding dong ditch got a new meaning. "[COLOR="Blue"]Hello? Anybody there?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]I'm right here.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Huh? Who's there?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]I'm standing right in front of you.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Where?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]Look down dumbass.[/COLOR]" I looked down. [IMG]http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d105/jsilver536/midget.jpg[/IMG] I think someone lied about their age. "[COLOR="Blue"]Wow, you're a weird looking 12 year old.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]You making fun of me?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Huh?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]I'm not a kid, I'm a grown man.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Yea, sure you are. How old are you 13? 14?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]I'm 27.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Sure. What are you? A leprechaun? You trying to steal me lucky charms?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]Very funny. If you don't cut it out I'm gonna kick your ass.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Well Mr. 27 year old grown man, why are you here today?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]To get a job dumbass.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Watch who you're calling a dumbass.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]Why should I?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Because I'm the judge, jury and executioner around here and if you want this job you better get on your knees and start kissing my ass.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]I'm not gonna get on my hands and knees for you.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Yea, you're right. You can just do it standing up.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]Alright, I'm about one more short joke away from kicking your ass.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Look, I can put you in a paper bag and let you try to fight your way out at anytime, so I'd watch my mouth if I were you.[/COLOR]" I feel like I'm forgetting something.... "[COLOR="Green"]I swear to god If you take one more shot at my people you're going down.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Hey, why are you here again?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]I came for the job before you started insulting me.[/COLOR]" So that's what I was forgetting... "[COLOR="Blue"]Oh right. So what's your name?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]Isn't it on that application I gave you?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]I can't read that chickenscratch.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]My name is...[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Wait!! Let me guess. I knew I recognized you from somewhere. You're Verne Troyer aren't you?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]Okay, that's it. I'm kicking your ass.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Whoa whoa whoa, hold on Mini-Me, that was a compliment. I mean I loved your work in those movies.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]I'm not Verne Troyer![/COLOR]!" "[COLOR="Blue"]Hmm, that's what the last midget told me too....[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]My name is Troy Winters.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]So you're not Mini-Me?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Green"]That's it!!![/COLOR]" Mini-me charged at me, his little fist in the air. I didn't want to have to do this, but I smacked him in the head with my chair. It knocked him out instantly. Suddenly the door is kicked in and Tiny runs in yelling "[COLOR="Purple"]I heard a commotion. What's going on?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]I didn't do it. It- It was self-defense.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Purple"]You beat up a midget?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]It was self defense. You'll vouch for me right? Right?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Purple"]You know what we gotta do?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]What do we do? Do we dump the body?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Purple"]Nah, we only do that with dead people.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]That would've been useful information 5 years ago.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Purple"]What?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Huh?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Purple"]We gotta give him over to the orphanage.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]You think they'll accept him?[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Purple"]We'll leave him on the steps like they do in cartoons and movies. They'll have no choice but to accept him.[/COLOR]" "[COLOR="Blue"]Tiny, you're a genius.[/COLOR]" An hour later we get back from handing the young child over to the orphanage. I feel like I've done some wonderful thing for this world. That and who would actually look for him there? Well, that's one more failed applicant. I don't know where this one went wrong. I mean, he violently attacked and I had to subdue him. The last one was insane and the one before that was a cannibal. What am I doing wrong here? Maybe I should work on my people skills...