I'm Inlove With My Friend....

[AfRoMaN36]

But I'm not... Does this make any sense to you? I suppose I'll just use this thread to vent. Fell free to post your opinions if you like. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only person whos ever felt like this afterall... Its just this damned girl who wont go away from my life! Part of me doesnt want her away from me and loves the company she brings but the other part of me knows for the last 7 months I was crazy about her and simply accepting her as a friend isnt enough. Shes an awesome person, a great friend and both of our original intentions with eachother was to be in a relationship. Or atleast to "Talk" for a while and see where it goes. She originally wasnt as much as a blip on my radar, but the more I got to know her, the more I liked her. I always tried to keep my cool about things though. Never going on too strongly, yet always in her eyesight. Always avoiding any little thing that would put me in the dreaded friend zone. Yep, I'll close the deal soon enough I thought to myself... Yet here I am.... sitting on a comfty recliner, sipping on a cup of warm soda. Sitting across her friend with whom shes known forever and is like a sister. To the right of him is a classmate from the 9th grade who thought he might be able to "get himself some." And sitting besides him is an empty chair.... for the next poor sap. And were all passing the time telling eachother "She'll come around!" No this place isnt litteral, but it sure is real. This is the friend zone... and I'm only drinking warm soda because champagne is for winners. Its funny though, because I'm more concerned about getting her then actually what I'd do when I get her. Its the old case of wanting what you cant have. The grass being greener on the other side or what have you. If I could have her, she'd probably be a blip on my radar again. But I know I can't have her... so shes the cure to all my problems. Thing is I I know it would never work between me and her. We are two different people. Were also both deadly afraid of anything real in commitments but her moreso. But I think the problem is that I dont know where I went wrong. And thats why I feel so inadequate around her. Like I'm somehow not good enough. I've done everything right to avoid comming off as "just a friend" but yet I end up in the exact same room as I did with countless other girls. But this time was different. I didnt blab anything stupid. I never came off as too jackassish yet I damn sure didnt come off as a kissass. When one thing didnt work I tried another thing, and another, and another but none of it seemed to be enough and it only lead me to bash my head in wondering what on earth I need to do for this girl? When I quit my job in which we both work in... I thought I finally got my chance to get her out of my mind. I could finally move on with this unhealthy cycle. But she was crushed that I left. And to this day makes damn sure to pretty much keep in contact with me whenever she can. Even going as far as comming to my new job to say hello. Fortunately by that time exactly, I had largely gotten over her as any potential girlfriend material. I saw what me and her had and figured that going after a relationship would risk losing our close friendship and that its something I may not want to do. In essence I dropped my guard and voulenteered myself into the friend zone. Where I would have likely ended up in eventually. I did better, I moved on in life. Found a new girl, and everything was going fine. But During a conversation with my friend she tells me that shes seeing some guy and that shes happy. LOL Yep this brought me back to my "What did I do wrong?" "Why am I not good enough?" "Why not me?" Mode even though I really have no interest in her as a girlfriend. I cant grasp this feeling but its overwhelming and it makes me feel so inferior. And it makes me feel like crap and I dont need that. Getting rid of her would mean losing a close friend. But would end this stupid cycle that ends in me being depressed and hating myself. I really dont want to get rid of her though, good friends are so hard to find but I find that I can never lose that side of me that sees her as a possible girlfriend. Like I didnt finish the job or something and that I suck until I do.... ... Until that day arises... I suppose I have no other choice but to sip on my warm soda, and wait my turn.... More soda please?

[Astil]

Best advice I can give, is not to get hung up on one person... but I can't even follow that advice so... pass the soda.

[AfRoMaN36]

[QUOTE=Astil;421767]Best advice I can give, is not to get hung up on one person... but I can't even follow that advice so... pass the soda.[/QUOTE] LOL sure, she'll come to her senses, right? But yeah I'm trying not to get hung up on her. I'm pretty much with someone else but when an inkling of a romantic thought of her comes up, that baby picks up speed quick and like a snowball rolling down hill it gets huge fast.

[shamelessposer]

Getting hung up on one person is fine. Getting hung up on one person who isn't attracted to you... isn't. Would you rather have her in your life as a friend or not at all? Once you've got the answer to that you should have some idea where to go. Won't necessarily make things any easier, but there you go.

[Tyler Gadzinski]

I was hung up on one chick for the longest time it seemed and now I still have to work with her. It sucks yes. But I can honestly say that I am over her. It really brought me down when she told me she went to a bar and picked up some guy and slept with him that night. Now there getting a house together. Good on them. I'm glad I never did anything with her. We still talk. Not as much as before. I just think it's in men's nature to stop talking to somebody they had strong feelings for. Don't get hung up on her.

[Undertaker666]

Speaking from personal experience of a similar nature, i'd suggest that you sever all ties. It's the only way to avoid the gut-wrenching numbness, the pit of despair, the self loathing, the pain and suffering as if a rusty spoon has been plunged into your heart you feel everytime you see her or see her with someone else. Bitter? Who, me? :p Ain't love grand. ;)

[Astil]

[QUOTE=AfRoMaN36;421772]LOL sure, she'll come to her senses, right? But yeah I'm trying not to get hung up on her. I'm pretty much with someone else but when an inkling of a romantic thought of her comes up, that baby picks up speed quick and like a snowball rolling down hill it gets huge fast.[/QUOTE] As someone who left love interest 1 for the greener grass DONT DO IT! As Taker said, sever ties. Thats what i did. I still think about her, but a lot less. And no, they never come around. I'm just jaded enough to know that.

[Undertaker666]

[QUOTE=Astil;421833]And no, they never come around.[/QUOTE] Not always true, but you have to make a judgement call on your own personal situation. The person I was referring to in my previous post "came around" at the start of this month (bizarre coincidence that this thread has appeared!) but I chose to walk away. Only you can choose which path to take.

[Astil]

[QUOTE=Undertaker666;421838]Not always true, but you have to make a judgement call on your own personal situation. The person I was referring to in my previous post "came around" at the start of this month (bizarre coincidence that this thread has appeared!) but I chose to walk away. Only you can choose which path to take.[/QUOTE] Yeah, ok. Take that post as a bit o' bitterness.

[Mr T Jobs To Me]

[QUOTE=Undertaker666;421830]Speaking from personal experience of a similar nature, i'd suggest that you sever all ties. It's the only way to avoid the gut-wrenching numbness, the pit of despair, the self loathing, the pain and suffering as if a rusty spoon has been plunged into your heart you feel everytime you see her or see her with someone else. Bitter? Who, me? :p Ain't love grand. ;)[/QUOTE] Seconded! But first, give her a nice, old fashioned drunken bitchout! Edit: And btw, where was this topic 8 months ago, when it would have done me some good?! :rolleyes:

[AfRoMaN36]

the thing is severing ties would mean losing one of my closest friends. Essentially my go-to girl or the one person I hit up on AIM when I'm bored. I do love this girl. But am I inlove with her, or do I just idealize her because she us so unattainable? If my ego weren't so wrapped up in admitting defeat, would I feel as strongly as I do? I have a wonderful friend who genuinely cares about me, I should be happy with that. But if I weren't the guy who if given a million dollars, would then ask for two million... Would I be writing this thread?

[Undertaker666]

[QUOTE=AfRoMaN36;421966]the thing is severing ties would mean losing one of my closest friends. [/quote] Same with me. I lost, arguably, my closest friend but it was the right thing to do. [QUOTE=AfRoMaN36;421966]I do love this girl. But am I inlove with her, or do I just idealize her because she us so unattainable?[/quote] Only you can answer that. [QUOTE=AfRoMaN36;421966]I have a wonderful friend who genuinely cares about me, I should be happy with that.[/QUOTE] The heart wants what the heart wants. The question is, do you listen to your heart or your head?

[shamelessposer]

Just so you know, you're posting these questions on a board dedicated to wrestling and sports simulation games. Any answers you get are going to be from people younger than you, people much, much older than you, or people about your age who qualify for a status I like to call "permavirgin." Taking advice from me or any of your other fellow posters on matters of the heart is (and I'm going to capitalize this part for emphasis) A Very Bad Idea. That said, there was a girl in my life very much like yours during my senior year of high school. Smart, beautiful, funny, and very much not into me. Lots of regrets there on my part because here was a person who, if she had a Y chromosome and was as fugly as me, could have been one of my best friends. If you've got the testicular fortitude, tell her how you feel. Talk it out instead of keeping things bottled up and letting the weirdness fester. If she's the great friend you say she is then she'll take things in stride. And at least this time you'll have the not-wanting-a-relationship thing in common. Don't let the idea of this hypothetical great thing ruin the good stuff you have going on right now.

[keefmoon]

I'm always surprised how often I've thought I;ve wanted someone a lot (and for a long time) only to realise that I was almost trying to convince myself I did. And some of my best friends are people I thought I liked romantically but eventually realised that being friends is actually enough, and I'm far happier having them as a friend than I would be going out with them. This will come across as harsh, but if you're not together there's a reason. And it may well be the fact that she doesn't like you. In that case you might wanna try and move on.

[Undertaker666]

[QUOTE=shamelessposer;421987]Just so you know, you're posting these questions on a board dedicated to wrestling and sports simulation games. Any answers you get are going to be from people younger than you, people much, much older than you, or people about your age who qualify for a status I like to call "permavirgin."[/QUOTE] Generalising much? :rolleyes: Using myself as an example: i'm not younger than Afroman, i'm not that much older than Afroman (6 years difference) and i'm not a "permavirgin" either. Take a look around, there are people here around his age who have girlfriends and people both younger and older who are married. [QUOTE=shamelessposer;421987]Taking advice from me or any of your other fellow posters on matters of the heart is (and I'm going to capitalize this part for emphasis) A Very Bad Idea.[/quote] I don't see why it's such a bad idea, especially if the advice comes from someone older because they've been around longer and experienced more things.

[BlueStar]

[QUOTE=Undertaker666;421830]Speaking from personal experience of a similar nature, i'd suggest that you sever all ties. It's the only way to avoid the gut-wrenching numbness, the pit of despair, the self loathing, the pain and suffering as if a rusty spoon has been plunged into your heart you feel everytime you see her or see her with someone else. Bitter? Who, me? :p Ain't love grand. ;)[/QUOTE] As tough as it sounds, it is the best thing to do...you'll go out of your mind if you don't.

[tristram]

I'd recommend just leaving it... I can't imagine anyone who hasn't liked someone, and felt vulnerable to it, only for those people to separate for whatever reason from their friendship (career changes, location moves) and then found it quite easy to leave their life. The mere thought of the separation causes the anxiety, but we learn to move on. Sometimes the best clean cut is a short term pain, long term gain.... Or, you just throw the leg over and see how it goes... either way is effective

[Thomnipotent]

Love is an idiot. Make music.

[AfRoMaN36]

Well really I came on here to vent more than ask for advice. I posted here because I'm sure everyone else has had that feeling where nothing you can do is enough. Coming forward is useless when our original intentions were to eventually move into a relationship, I'm sure feelings are already known. Plus I have come forward in the past. (Remember, she was the valentine I posted for advice on) But seems like whenever I would come close, she would throw on the breaks. My bruised ego needs to face the facts and realize that I lost. I cant win them all and even though this one held a little more importance then your average Jane Doe, its still only one girl. Their are PLENTY more where that came from. Some even better than her. Forget about the one that got away and worry about the one thats coming. I'm gunna keep her as a friend. And try as hard as I can to move on with my life. I thought I had, but their always seems to be apart of me that will see her as more than a friend. But you know what? It needs to shut the hell up, and shut the hell up now.

[AfRoMaN36]

Ugh... its just that I'm so damned insecure. Sorry to double post, but I like to write out emotions as soon as I feel them. I was having a nice enough day. In class then went to the library to go study, but as soon as my mind wandered, she came up. I remember she told me she is seeing a few guys actually. Not in anything serious, but playing the feild so to speak. Seeing what dress fit best. I got to wondering how these guys actually managed to get to her and how I didnt do that. And ofcourse I relapsed again. I dont think I care anymore about getting her, as much as my ego can't handle the fact that I can even though I realize that if I really put my heart into something, I can accomplish anything, it isnt so 100%. You see, below the gag spewing and the recurring moments of ****iness that my friends have the honor of seeing more than any of you, lies an insecure person. I say I can do it, but I can't handle criticism, I cant handle being told no. But outside I hide it with such a massive protective shield no one really sees it. I re-invented myself a few months ago. I lost alot of weight. I beared down in school improved my appearanced, my work ethic and decided to work on heavily how to actually approach girls. So far, Its been a great success. I'm far better off than I was last year. Much more mature. Yet when I think of the one that got away, I feel like I've made no progress. "They got her, I didnt. I must still be that same loser." Runs through my mind often. Perhaps this is something that requires therapy, or atleast a good swift kick in the a$$. I don't really care that I didnt actually get the person. I pin pointed what I didnt do based on what I do right with other people yet failed to do with her. Trail and error right? She was a learning process and I should accept that right? Then why do I still feel like garbage that despite my greatest effort I failed to do something so simple? It makes me feel so inadequate. Funny thing is she doesnt know that shes doing this to me. Sorry that this thread took such a selfish turn from "I love my friend" to "I wanna win 100% of the time" but I am your typical perfectionist who lashes out at himself when things arent absolutely perfect.

[Undertaker666]

[QUOTE=AfRoMaN36;422651]I re-invented myself a few months ago. I lost alot of weight. improved my appearance[/QUOTE] A lot of muscleheads and people who constantly go to the gym do what they do because they're insecure people, they think that by improving their exterior it will help their confidence. In the short term that may well be the case, but it doesn't address the core issue at hand because the second something doesn't go their way then they feel like they've done everything they can and somehow they've still failed. I had a friend at high school who was quite 'large' (ok, he was fat). We lost touch after school and it was maybe four or five years later that I walked past him in the street because I didn't recognise him, thankfully he stopped me to say hello. He'd been to the gym, had lost maybe 56lbs of weight and muscled up, changed his hair, wore contacts etc. We went out to a few bars and I saw that his confidence was sky high and he easily interacted with the ladies, something that was never the case because he was always the fat kid at school. As we saw each other more often again it became plainly obvious that his outward appearance was merely a front, on the inside he was still the same insecure fat kid he used to be and those insecurities will always remain with him no matter how many weights he can lift. [QUOTE=AfRoMaN36;422651]Then why do I still feel like garbage that despite my greatest effort I failed to do something so simple?[/quote] What you've failed to do isn't a simple thing. Relationships and the meshing of personalities is a very difficult process, it may look easy but it's one of the hardest things you'll experience in your lifetime. [QUOTE=AfRoMaN36;422651]Perhaps this is something that requires therapy[/quote] Therapy doesn't work for everyone. I'd suggest you take a long unbiased look at yourself before you considered therapy. Anyway, you're only 19, when you're 21 you'll discover the pleasures of beer. Things are much easier when you're intoxicated. ;)

[Nevermore]

[QUOTE=Undertaker666;422706]What you've failed to do isn't a simple thing. Relationships and the meshing of personalities is a very difficult process, it may look easy but it's one of the hardest things you'll experience in your lifetime. [/Quote] The hardest I'd say. I know what you mean about perfectionism, bud. Regarding certain things, I'm a shocker for exactly that and I hate it if I don't achieve the maximum from a given situation. However, one thing I've realised is that logic can never be applied to a relationship because it's pretty much the only endeavour you'll encounter that relies so massively upon another person. Love/relationships aren't an achievement in the normal sense of the word. When it happens; it happens and sometimes you've got to accept that she's not the one. Weak, I know but there's some sh*t you can never fully understand or articulate no matter how hard you try. It will work itself out, though ;). [QUOTE]Anyway, you're only 19, when you're 21 you'll discover the pleasures of beer. Things are much easier when you're intoxicated. ;)[/QUOTE] Haha, never a truer word spoken :D. Quote The Raven Nevermore

[G-Prime]

Two solutions mate, both have worked for me in similar situations... 1. Alcohol and lots of it (Legal drinking age is 18 over here :D) 2. Find another girl to get just as hung up on, you'll get over her eventually, and the new girl's not your friend.

[AfRoMaN36]

[QUOTE=G-Prime;422831] 2. Find another girl to get just as hung up on, you'll get over her eventually, and the new girl's not your friend.[/QUOTE] I'm over her as a girlfriend. I'm just struggling with the concept of defeat. My perfectionist mentality doesnt accept that I failed at something I put such great effort on. I litterally quit playing baseball because I can't accept hitting 3 for 4. Even if I hit three home runs, I'd stress over the last strike out. Besides I already have a girlfriend.... Well, no.... I don't have a girlfriend, I just know someone who would be very mad if she heard me say that. Mitch Hedberg, 2001 [QUOTE=Undertaker666;422706]A lot of muscleheads and people who constantly go to the gym do what they do because they're insecure people, they think that by improving their exterior it will help their confidence. In the short term that may well be the case, but it doesn't address the core issue at hand because the second something doesn't go their way then they feel like they've done everything they can and somehow they've still failed. I had a friend at high school who was quite 'large' (ok, he was fat). We lost touch after school and it was maybe four or five years later that I walked past him in the street because I didn't recognise him, thankfully he stopped me to say hello. He'd been to the gym, had lost maybe 56lbs of weight and muscled up, changed his hair, wore contacts etc. We went out to a few bars and I saw that his confidence was sky high and he easily interacted with the ladies, something that was never the case because he was always the fat kid at school. As we saw each other more often again it became plainly obvious that his outward appearance was merely a front, on the inside he was still the same insecure fat kid he used to be and those insecurities will always remain with him no matter how many weights he can lift.[/quote] Probably one of the best pieces of advice I've ever read. [quote] Anyway, you're only 19, when you're 21 you'll discover the pleasures of beer. Things are much easier when you're intoxicated. ;)[/QUOTE] I stand corrected.

[BurningHamster]

I'm just going to throw a very small piece of advice in here because quite frankly after all the obsessing over my own life lately I am barely able to think, let alone match the level of advice already given. So um .. Afro ... 1. You can't win 'em all. Learn to get used to it or things like this will bug you forever. 2. Nevermore summed it up pretty well but I will just echo him. Women, relationships, dealing with people in general cannot be dealt with in such a straight up, black and white, winners and losers kind of way. You can put all the effort into something you want but effort does not equal emotion or chemistry or any of that crap. Sometimes there are feelings and sometimes there's not, if there isn't it doesn't mean you are a loser or anything is wrong with you ... it simply means you guys aren't right for each other. Okay, hope that made sense. If not, tough luck.