Pteroid Posted August 11, 2020 Share Posted August 11, 2020 "Good evening, my name is Professor Johann Avatar and I am about to embark on one of the most ambitious odysseys of my long and storied career. Career in what you ask? Do not worry about such details, suffice to say I am in the business of providing confidence to people...and subsequently money to myself. This ambition is what brings me to America, a bright shining piece of costume jewelry held together by the agreement of all involved that it is a glittering flawless diamond. Do not believe me, look at this: "United States Pro Wrestling, the largest company of its field and a dominating juggernaut within the public consciousness clad in the innate American demand for patriotism and black and white morality. Professional wrestling is con artistry in its most sublime form, for indeed the victims of the sham know of its duplicity and eagerly give money hand over fist even when the results displease them...rants upon social media and on podcasts aside. So, why am I telling you this? Simple, I intend to lift a funhouse mirror to this beloved symbol of American culture and in doing so live the so-called American Dream in the only way it can truly be captured in this millennia: I am going engage in blatant parasitism on the behemoth above me until I swell like a tick. In other words, welcome: "To United States of America Pro Wrestling." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pteroid Posted August 11, 2020 Author Share Posted August 11, 2020 USAPW Presents: POINT OF NO RETURN! or refund LIVE FROM JACKSONVILLE, FLORIDA! MAIN EVENT "BLACK HAT" BRADLEY BLAZE VS JEBEDIAH KIP KEENAN VS VITO PIRELLI MOLOKAI MILK VS THE HISTORIAN BLACK DIAMOND VS JOANNA SILVER BEN BACKSLIDE AND HIS HENCHMAN VS YOUNG AND WASTED AND MORE!!!! card subject to change Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pteroid Posted August 12, 2020 Author Share Posted August 12, 2020 USAPW: POINT OF NO RETURN or refund Live From Jacksonville, Florida Attendance: 74 The pre-show patriotic fanfare gives way to cheers from the crowd as a handheld camera runs past a front row of rowdy children, slightly less rowdy parents, and far more rowdy single adults to come to a rest in front of our combination announce desk and merch stand. "Good evening everybody, I'm Dane O'Hara alongside my broadcast partner-" "Awwww shut yer trap, O'Hara, everybody who's anybody knows Miles Wakefield and you're all lucky I came to this dump!" "Uhhh right, well welcome one and all to United States of America Pro Wrestling and our very first event, Point of No Return!" "Hey what's this fine print next to that part say?" "Probably nothing important, we've got an exciting night of action ahead of you featuring-what the heck is going on over there?" Over near the entrance curtain two unsavory fellows are lying in wait. "Hark, lackey, we've been granted the greatest of opportunities to be the FIRST COMPETITORS in this FOOLISH ORGANIZATION'S event! Truly we shall go down in the RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRECORD BOOKS as the PRRRRREMIERE VILLAINS in all of PRRRRRROFESSIONAL GRRRRAPPLING! Well, I, BEN BACKSLIDE shall...I'll make sure you're a footnote." "Uh boss, I don't think they have the best people fight first." "NONSENSE, henchman! First is best, everyone knows that, go read a book or something! Now brrrrring forth the rrrrrrope!" The pudgier of the two holds up a length of rope. "Got it, boss." "Excellent, now we lie in wait to ENSNARE our competition and get an unfair advantage! THE BEST KIND OF ADVANTAGE!" The two nefarious villains raise their rope taut in front of the entrance curtain, preparing to trip and waylay their opponents...and keep preparing...aaaaand keep preparing. "Boss are you sure they're coming through here?" "OF COURSE I'M SURE! Where else would they come out from!?" "Uhhhh...the crowd? Cuz they're good guys and wanna hang out with the fans?" "Bah, what do you know?! I'm the EVIL GENIUS HERE!" As the two villains argue begins to play as two handsome young men come out of the crowd, slapping hands. It's Bret Kyle and Taylor Norton, Young and Wasted! The dynamic tag team enter the ring and pose for the fans. "Like, hey old dude and big dude, we're like totally here to fight." "You wanna get in the ring, bruh?" "Of all the DISRRRRRRRRRRRRRESPECTFUL breaches of DECORRRRRUM! Henchman, follow me, we'll show these INFERRRRRNAL HIMBOS who's boss!" Backslide and Henchman storm the ring and the fight is on! VS Ben Backslide and Henchman vs Young and Wasted Kyle and Norton immediately show off a dazzling array of agile maneuvers and doubleteam acumen while Backslide and his goon show off a dazzling array of falls onto their backs. Suffice it to say a stand-up fight between these two teams is a touch one-sided and the only daylight the two villains see is when the henchman manages to rake Norton's eyes and opens him up for Backslide's signature pinning manuever: A Small Package...which is quickly rolled over by an interfering Kyle for a nearfall. A double superkick to the face of Backslide sends him tumbling out of the ring and opens up the Henchman to Young and Wasted's finishing move, The Go Home (Total Elimination) for the pin and the win! Winners by Pinfall: Young and Wasted "Young and Wasted getting the win here in our inaugural contest, what a start to the careers of these young men!" "Those two dim bulbs they were face sure as heck weren't up to the task of takin' them down, one of 'em didn't have a NAME, O'Hara!" "Truly a strange pairing were those two but now it's time for some women's wrestling ac-" cuts off Dane as a new character steps out through the curtain. "AlllllllllllllRIGHT!!! 'sup Jacksonville, ya trailer trash dump named after a dead guy so lame his whole presidency was a trail o'tears!" The Jacksonvillians aren't entirely sure what to make of that insult but they're pretty sure they got insulted so boo all the same. "Boo me? Boo me? Don't hate 'cuz I don't gotta live here, sugah, you best be taking a picture 'cuz it'll last longer babies! I'm Black Diamond! You know what a Black Diamond is, lil baby bumpkins? Allow me to add a little education up on top of those GEDs of yours, it's flawless and perfect just. Like. ME!" The woman strikes a pose showing off her athletic bod. As the crowd continues to boo she struts up and into the ring. "I got it allllll, babies and I'm taking the wrestling world by storm, that's a bonafide fact! All ya'll are witnessing the first steps of greatness that one day you can tell your snotnosed inbred brats about when they ask ya'll 'Hey papa-uncle, did ya ever do anythin' worth a holy hot dang in ya life?' 'Why yes my cousin-son, I dang sure did because I saw Black Diamond live and in person before they burned our trashhole no good dump of town to the ground for being such a ugly hunk a crap!'" Black Diamond basks in the boos of the most certainly NOT inbred townsfolk, apologies to the good people of Jacksonville...old Hickory still sucked though. "Ahuh ahuh, ya can hate all you like, but you're as close to a goddess as you're ever gonna get and it just eeeats ya'll up inside, don't it? Ho ho yeah-" ??? "DID SOMEBODY SAY HO!?" "...do what?" "YO HO, ME HEARTIES! IT BE ME, JOANNA SILVER!" Black Diamond looks extremely confused as blares over the PA system and the crowd cheers this woman who has yet to insult them. She prances around the ring in...shall we say flamboyant pirate attire before rolling into the ring to show off some more before Black Diamond, annoyed at getting upstaged throws a forearm to her lower back, the match is on! vs Black Diamond vs Joanna Silver Black Diamond's claims of superior athleticism are quickly put on display as she forces Joanna into a series of submission holds, taking time to showoff and hotdog as she does. The crowd is firmly behind the scrappy seadog as she fights from beneath the soon obvious favorite, and her tenacity is reward when Diamond goes to the second rope for a jumping nothing and eats a boot to the chin! Joanna kips up and goes on the attack with a riptide of briny offense that has Diamond reeling like a marlin on an expert angler's hook! But Diamond's credentials weren't for nothing as she catches Joanna in a crossbody and lobs her across the ring with such force that Joanna tumblers to her feet and bounces off the ropes into Diamond's waiting arms for a devastating belly to belly suplex that puts her down for an emphatic three count to the crowd's displeasure. Winner By Pinfall: Black Diamond We cut from Diamond's post-match celebration to a selfie shot of a young man who mugs for his phone camera. "Heheeeee, well hello USAPW, it's me ya boy Zippy Deverell and welcome to the first edition of my new show 'Givin' 'em Lip with Zip', the only wrestling talk show recorded entirely on InstaFlam! Today I've got the best guest possible for my first show the only man worthy of giving time to in this day and age: ME! That's right, I'm my own guest, isn't that brilliant? Of course it is." Zippy is suddenly photobombed in his selfie talkshow by a- http://worthopedia.s3.amazonaws.com/images/thumbnails2/1/0707/31/1_2276305772593072cf13ac4393a279bb.jpg "Yowza! Fifty ka-billion years of evolution to get this bozo? Homo sapiens, I'm not mad I'm just disappointed in ya!" "Uh...excuse me? Who are you!?" http://worthopedia.s3.amazonaws.com/images/thumbnails2/1/0707/31/1_2276305772593072cf13ac4393a279bb.jpg "Allow me to introduce myself, I'm Darwin! Darwin T. Chimp!" "..." http://worthopedia.s3.amazonaws.com/images/thumbnails2/1/0707/31/1_2276305772593072cf13ac4393a279bb.jpg "The 'T.' stands for 'The'." "Riiiight, well you're creepy so go away!" http://worthopedia.s3.amazonaws.com/images/thumbnails2/1/0707/31/1_2276305772593072cf13ac4393a279bb.jpg "But then how else am I gonna get a chance to watch you catch your lip in a zip? Y'know most folks get somethin' else stuck in there, real painful, but I think you gettin' your lip caught might be an improvement! HAHAAHAHAHAHA!" "HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY...I'm arguing with a monkey. A FAKE MONKEY!" http://worthopedia.s3.amazonaws.com/images/thumbnails2/1/0707/31/1_2276305772593072cf13ac4393a279bb.jpg "And losin'!" "I will not stand for this kind of interruption of my first show, whoever's controlling this sock puppet abomination should show themselves right now!" http://worthopedia.s3.amazonaws.com/images/thumbnails2/1/0707/31/1_2276305772593072cf13ac4393a279bb.jpg "Oh that'd be my pal Garry, he's currently waitin' to unplug the wifi to cut ya little one man show short! Hit it, Garry!" "Wait what-NO-!" Aaaand the feed cuts out as we head to intermission for our first show on that...strange note...creepy puppets are the worst. To Be Continued... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foolinc Posted August 12, 2020 Share Posted August 12, 2020 Wonderful start. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pteroid Posted August 17, 2020 Author Share Posted August 17, 2020 We return from intermission to find a peculiar sight, a lectern, projector, and screen have been set up in the middle of the ring much to the confusion of the audience when all of a sudden begins playing and out walks... This...guy! A brawny mustachioed gentleman strides forth from the back in an old school pair of tights, he carries a laptop under his arm and waves at the assembled masses as he steps up to the lectern and sets up his laptop to the side. "Good evening ladies and gentleman, you may call me the Historian, I am professional wrestling's future from the past. Tonight I'd like to give you all something I'm sure the people of Jacksonville are begging for: An education." The crowd BOOS because they JUST got through Black Diamond insulting their city, will it ever end? "Now now, it's all too common for the ignorant to resist their enlightenment but believe me I have nothing but your best interests at heart now let's begin. I'm going to regale you all with the story of when North and South collided and El Patron clashed with Dan Stone in a match for the ages." There's some murmuring from the crowd, this does seem like an interesting topic. "But before we get to the match itself, I need to tell you about the chance meeting on a bridge in Montana that led to it and before I tell you about THAT I've simply GOT to tell you about that bridge itself. The Yarmouth county bridge was first proposed in 1893 by Yancy C. Bellingsly, fifth member of the county council who'd taken that post in 1890-" The crowd starts booing again as it's becoming increasingly clear this guy is NOT going to be telling them about the wrestling part of this story any time soon. "Now now, don't interrupt me I have like three more hours of material." A PA runs up and whispers in The Historian's ear. "Ah...I am told this show was only scheduled for about an hour, that's unfortunate for you but we can always have the rest of the card another time and you can catch everything I won't be able to get to on my podcast...if you pay me thirty dollars on patreon of course." ??? "RRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" The crowd is roused from its boredom by a very energetic and very angry voice as a musclebound man storms out from the back. "YOU TALK TOO MUCH! THE PEOPLE WANT ACTION! THE PEOPLE WANT POWER! THE! PEOPLE! WANT! MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLKKKKKKKK!!!!!!" The crowd cheers that odd statement because at least it's said with passion damn it. Molokai Milk storms the ring and demolishes the Historian's set as the academic flees, cowering and clutching his laptop as Milk throw the lectern, projector, and screen from the ring. Milk storms around the ring and roars until the Historian takes his chance and tries to smash Milk over the back with his laptop! The match is on! vs Molokai Milk vs The Historian Milk no-sells the laptop shot and rounds on the Historian, ragdolling him around the ring like a sack of potatoes as he feeds off the energy of the crowd. Milk's pure power puts Historian on the backstep again and again as he desperately tries to find an opening, which he accomplishes by loosening a turnbuckle pad and yanking it and himself out of the way to punish a reckless splash by Milk. The big Hawaiian stumbles around the ring and gets rolled up by Historian for a near fall, which makes the lecturer pull at his mustache and exclaim 'THAT WOULD'VE WORKED IN 1967!' Growing impatient the Historian stalks a recovering Molokai and locks in a sleeperhold, taking him down the mats and...is he? Yes! He's telling Milk the rest of his lecture, trying to bore him to sleep! Milk is fading fast...but the fans begin chanting his name, awakening him from the stupor Historian's trying to put on him. Slowly he stands and catches Historian with a jawbreaker that sends him reeling back and leaves him wide open for a Hawaiian Hammer (Clothesline From Hell) for the pin and win! Winner By Pinfall: Molokai Milk "An emphatic win for the Molokai Milk here tonight, can't say I don't agree with him about the Historian's oratory skill, eh Miles? ...Miles?" "Shut yer trap, O'Hara, I'm signing up for this here Patreon so's I can hear more about this bridge!" "Well there's no accounting for taste but can you hurry up, the next match is ready to go." "THAT MUSTACHED MADMAN WANTS A COOL THOUSAND FOR HIS LECTURES!? WHO DO I LOOK LIKE RICH EISEN!?" vs Kip Keenan vs Vito Pirelli Keenan vs Pirelli is nothing short of an old school Sam Strong match...no literally, it's JUST a plagiarized Sam Strong vs big dumb heel match from the 80's down to each and every spot. The only difference? Sam Strong knew that he didn't need to taunt and mug for the crowd after EVERY. SINGLE. MOVE. After about the fifteenth pose break after a scoopslam the crowd starts to get tired of Kip's crap, chanting 'get on with it!' Which seems to rattle the All American babyface enough to let Vito get in some clubbing shots and half-baked power moves. Though of particular note is the presence of a strange gentleman at ringside... "Hmm..." The bearded weirdo takes a particular interest in Kip, jotting down notes of his every move and nodding emphatically. Also he does this weird thing with his hands a lot, seems suspect. Finally Kip manages to put away Vito by dodging a big body splash in the corner and using the big man's momentum for a belly to belly suplex for a pinfall victory...and subsequent unappreciated posefest which affords the strange observer to slip away as Kip tries to figure out what exactly about his double bicep pose is turning the fans off. Winner By Pinfall: Kip Keenan "A massive victory for Kip Keenan here tonight representing the stars and stripes!" "Stars and stripes? Against what? Vito's from New York, that's part of America! ...ok maybe not to most of the south but still!" Before Dane can respond he's cut off by the strains of as the gnarliest cowboy the audience has ever seen comes out from the back. "ALRIGHT LAST CALL YA SWAMP-DWELLIN' TRASH!" Ah, great, more insults. Hasn't Jacksonville suffered enough between Black Diamond's abuse and the Historian's existence? "JEBEDIAH YA BIG CHUBBY RUMSPRINGA REJECT GET YER HINDEND OUT HERE SO 'OLE BRADLEY BLAZE CAN WHIP YA BACK ON UP TO THE BACKWARDS WART ON THE BUTT OF AMERICA!" Blaze storms the ring and throws his mic down, pacing around as the PA begins blaring out... "...that wasn't nice." Jebediah, rather intimidatingly large, makes his ponderous way to the ring and it's time for our main event. vs Jebediah vs "Black Hat" Bradley Blaze Blaze immediately turns this match into a brawl and it's not long before the two battlers are brawling all around the building with little regard for the ref's ten count. Blaze is fiery and aggressive but it becomes quickly apparent he bit off more than he could chew with Jebediah who eventually sends him stumbling back into the ring. From there by far Florida's favorite Jeb dominates Blaze with harsh power moves that rattle the ring as he batters Blaze like a cheap fast food fish. Unfortunately a man who idolizes outlaws from like a hundred and fifty years ago isn't exactly the type to play fair and Blaze does not disappoint as he spits directly in the referee's eyes and produces a cowbell of all things from his duster coat and CLONKS Jebediah with it. The stunned giant is nailed with a Dallas Drop (Double-Arm DDT) in short order and it's all she wrote with the Black Hat picking up the victory in our first ever main event. Blaze soaks in the boos of the audience until it appears Jeb is resuscitating and he beats a quick retreat to avoid vengeance from the big Amish bruiser who can only receive sympathy from the fans as he limps to the back. Winner by pinfall: Bradley Blaze Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pteroid Posted August 22, 2020 Author Share Posted August 22, 2020 USAPW Presents: Victory Or Infamy From: Miami, Florida Main Event: Kip Keenan & Jebediah vs “Black Hat” Bradley Blaze & A Mystery Partner Ben Backslide vs Molokai Milk Garry The Entertainer w/Darwin vs Zippy Deverell Young and Wasted vs Vito Pirelli & The Historian Dupli-Kate vs Sabrina Wells Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Theheel Posted August 22, 2020 Share Posted August 22, 2020 Gotta love that Historian character, looks like Dan Severn and talks like Ben Stein. Here’s my $30 bucks but hoping he has a VIP package coming soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dalton Posted August 23, 2020 Share Posted August 23, 2020 I am in love. What a meta take. "Now now, don't interrupt me I have like three more hours of material." I DIED Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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