Pteroid Posted March 13, 2022 Share Posted March 13, 2022 "And welcome back to PWR Radio, I'm Greg Sluchinski and uhm...well, how do I put this we're in for an...interesting time today. As some of you may have heard USPW owners Reverie have acquired the rights to Long Beach By Night, the popular Lifeguard-based soap opera spanning almost a dozen seasons with guest stars from all over stage and screen. Most prolific of those happened to be one Sam Strong who Reverie has hired to host multiple 'behind the scenes' documentaries for the various 'binge drops' that are coming. I wanted to get an interview with him, unfortunately I could only get the OTHER person who was featured in all those episodes...I am very very sorry about this, it's Peter Valentine." "Pleased to be on your show, Suckinski!" Greg: "Sluchinski." Valentine: "That's what I said, hello all you nerds out there, it's me! Star of Stage, Screen, and the Ring, Peter "America's Sweetheart" Valentine! I am thrilled to be on here to talk about the deal MY GOOD FRIEND Sam Strong made with those slimy scumbags over on Reverie. Heheh he really took 'em to the cleaners, Gary." Greg: "Greg. Now you of course were featured in those Long Beach By Night episodes alongside Mr. Strong but you also co-starred with the likes of Tyson Baine-then BLZ Bubb-and the Great Rip Chord, what was it like with all those big personalities sharing the same set with-" Valentine: "Excellent question, Garth, boy do I have some stories about Rip Chord, let me tell you." Greg: "Uh I don't think I want to hear your thoughts about-" Two Hours Later Valentine: "-AND THAT PISSANT TOM E HAWK THINKS JUST BECAUSE HE'S HOT STUFF NOW THAT I DIDN'T PIN HIM FIVE TIMES A WEEK AND TWICE ON SUNDAY BACK WHEN HE WAS NOTHIN'! WELL LOOK AT ME NOW, TOM, LOOK AT ME NOW!" Greg: "This is the biggest mistake I have made in my career." Valentine: "AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THAT NO GOOD SO'N SO GIANT REDWOOD! YOU STILL OWE ME FOR THOSE FIFTEEN BIG MACS YOU RAT BAS-" Greg: "Mr. Valentine!" Valentine: "What!?" Greg: "What...do...ANY of your various petty grudges have to do with Long Beach By Night?" Valentine: "..............oh well ya see it's all the reasons I'm not hiring any of them." Greg: "H-hiring?" Valentine: "Yeah, for my wrestling company I'm opening here in Cali." Greg: "Who gave you enough money to-!?" Valentine: "Reverie did, with the royalties from all those Long Beach episodes! Ain't it great, Gerald or whatever ya name is, I'm gonna take wrestling by storm! And you just gave me a bunch of free publicity!" Greg: "...what have I done?" Valentine: "Kickstarted somethin' great, somethin' awesome. Which coincidentally is the name of the company: Simply Awesome Wrestling! I even got a logo right here!" Greg: "...dear god." Valentine: "Yeah my daughter drew it, she gave me the family discount...which for some reason was 50% MORE than than she charges everyone else! Musta missed one too many soccer games when I was main eventing HGC back in the day." Greg: "Must have..." Valentine: "Anyway I gotta get off here and talk to my agents about our first show, got a real blockbuster line up for ya. Get it? Cuz Hollywood. Anyway see ya, Bob." Greg: "...god, are you there? It's me, Greg. Please. Don't let that man be a success." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pteroid Posted March 13, 2022 Author Share Posted March 13, 2022 CHAMPIONSHIPS IOU 3 Championships -Sincerely, Peter Valentine ROSTER Joanna Silver | Garry The Entertainer | MissTickle "Qreepy" Quentin Queen | Flash Savage | Rayne Man Papa Swoll | Penfold Perdition | Zephyr Simon Waves | Garrett Gallant | La Criatura De Navidad DeCipher | Disturbed | Chess Maniac Steve the Overlord | Mostly Mad Morrison | Insane Machine Mk2 Zombie Boy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pteroid Posted March 13, 2022 Author Share Posted March 13, 2022 2020 Shows WORST SHOW EVER Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pteroid Posted March 13, 2022 Author Share Posted March 13, 2022 Simply Awesome Wrestling Presents: WORST SHOW EVER Main Event Match Rayne Man vs Flash Savage vs "Qreepy" Quentin Queen Simon Waves vs Insane Machine Mk2 La Intelligentsia (DeCipher & Disturbed) vs The Happytime Learnatorium (Garry The Entertainer & MissTickle) Papa Swoll vs Chess Maniac Joanna Silver vs La Criatura De La Navidad Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dalton Posted March 13, 2022 Share Posted March 13, 2022 Oh god this should be good. Main Event Match Rayne Man vs Flash Savage vs "Qreepy" Quentin Queen Simon Waves vs Insane Machine Mk2 La Intelligentsia (DeCipher & Disturbed) vs The Happytime Learnatorium (Garry The Entertainer & MissTickle) Papa Swoll vs Chess Maniac Joanna Silver vs La Criatura De La Navidad Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blake Trask Posted March 13, 2022 Share Posted March 13, 2022 WAIT A MINUTE. IT'S NOT CHRISTMAS! How can La Criatura be here not on christmas!? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, VALENTIIIIIIIINE Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scapino1974 Posted March 14, 2022 Share Posted March 14, 2022 What. On. Earth. I'm dying over here. And I'm mad that I didn't think of "Qreepy" Quentin Queen. That's just gold right there. Rayne Man vs Flash Savage vs "Qreepy" Quentin Queen Simon Waves vs Insane Machine Mk2 La Intelligentsia (DeCipher & Disturbed) vs The Happytime Learnatorium (Garry The Entertainer & MissTickle) That name! Papa Swoll vs Chess Maniac Joanna Silver vs La Criatura De La Navidad Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Herrbear Posted March 15, 2022 Share Posted March 15, 2022 Main Event Match Rayne Man vs Flash Savage vs "Qreepy" Quentin Queen Simon Waves vs Insane Machine Mk2 La Intelligentsia (DeCipher & Disturbed) vs The Happytime Learnatorium (Garry The Entertainer & MissTickle) Papa Swoll vs Chess Maniac Joanna Silver vs La Criatura De La Navidad Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wrestling Machine Posted March 15, 2022 Share Posted March 15, 2022 Main Event : Rayne Man vs Flash Savage vs Qreepy Simon Waves vs MK2 La Intelligentsia vs The Happytime Learnatorium Papa Swoll vs Chess Maniac Joanna Silver vs La Criatura De La Navidad Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pteroid Posted March 16, 2022 Author Share Posted March 16, 2022 <div style="padding: 5px; border: 2px solid #000000; margin:10px;background: #A8D8FF; max-width:50%;box-shadow: 0 6px 12px ";"> Simply Awesome Wrestling: Worst Show Ever Attendance: 93 Location: Los Angeles, California Live from the Whimsy & Wonder Comic Shop in downtown LA, it’s first ever Simply Awesome Wrestling show! Ninety-three tourists, nerds, and wrestling fans expecting a train wreck are here today to witness something…well horrible probably but ⅔ of them don’t know that. Standing in the ring, welcoming us to the show is none other than- “WELCOME EVERYONE TO THE WORST! SHOW! EVERRRRR!” Confused clapping, some people cheer that declaration. Peter Valentine puffs out his chest and continues: Valentine: “My name is “America’s Sweetheart” Peter Valentine, and tonight is the start of a revolution in professional wrestling, tonight we change the game, tonight we break all the rules, tonight YOU! GIVE! ME! MONEYYYYYY!!!!” Cheers! He’s ripping them all off but by god he’s charismatic about it! Valentine: “Tonight we will-” Voice: “STOP THIS ASSAULT ON ALL THAT IS GOOD RIGHT NOW!” Valentine: “Eh?” “YOU! YOU GOTTA CLOSE UP SHOP RIGHT NOW!” A woman clutching an obnoxiously large ‘Brunches Not Bodyslams’ protest sign comes marching down to ringside, making a circle around it and brandishing the sign at people. Eventually she steps onto the ring and glares at Peter who seems…confused. Valentine: “Aaaand…you are?” Woman: “MY NAME IS SANDRA KARENSDOTTIR AND I AM…A LAND LADY!” BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Sandra: “I am the rightful owner of MULTIPLE properties on this block and I will NOT let some horrible uncouth disGUSTING wrestling show ruin YEARS of work evicting anyone who isn’t a venture capitalist! So shoo! Get outta here! Git! Git on! I got a combination dinner and brunch to get to! NOBODY RUINS DRUNCH!” Valentine: “Hmmmmmmmm…nah.” Sandra: “NAH!?” Valentine: “You heard me, I’m not gonna go and ruin MY hard work of being in a bunch of tv episodes just ‘cause it’s ruining yours! People get screwed over by guys with more money than them all the time! That’s AMERICA, baby! Love it or leave it!” Who are we supposed to cheer for again here? Oh right, the lady who doesn’t want this diary to keep going. Sandra: “Ohhhh that does it, you’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” Valentine: “Does he wrestle?” Sandra: “Wh…why would he wrestle!? SINCE WHEN DO LAWYERS WRESTLE!?” Valentine: “Oh you have much to learn, lady.” Sandra angrily stomps her foot and storms off, still waggling her sign around. Valentine: “Not who I figured I’d be protested by but screw her-” Voice from the crowd: “THE HELL YOU WILL!” Valentine: “METAPHORICALLY, HONEY! Sheesh, enough of all this, on with the show!” Valentine takes a seat next to our play-by-play man at ringside: “GOOOOOOOD EVENING WRESTLING FANS, IT’S ME CARSON “CHICKEN” COOPER HERE TONIGHT FOR AN EVENING OF WRESTLING MORE EXCITING THAN A SIZE FIFTEEN AT A BOWLING SHOE CONVENTION! I’M HERE WITH THE MAN OF THE HOUR TOO SWEET TO BE SOUR SMELLS LIKE CLAM CHOWDER TURN ME UP SO I CAN SOUND LOUDER CAN’T THINK OF ANYMORE WORDS THAT END WITH OUDER PEEEEEETER VALENTINE!” Valentine: “...how much am I paying you again?” Carson: “LET’S GET TO THE ACTION!” FIRST EVER MATCH IN SAW HISTORY VERSUS Joanna Silver versus La Criatura De La Navidad The Worst Show Ever kicks off with a bang as Stripper-Turned-Pirate-Turned-Wrestler Joanna Silver takes on La Criatura De La Navidad, who comes to the ring with a giant sack of toys he hands out to the fans at ringside before suddenly getting ambushed by a flying axehandle from the apron by Silver! As the Pirate of Penzance, Ohio takes the lead in the opening, her dastardly antics are still getting some cheers from the fans. Probably her athletic ability and definitely not her less than period-accurate attire, we have standards. Probably. But La Criatura fights off an attempted body slam to gain control of the match and begins showing off an array of crowd pleasing power moves that garner a Let’s Go Santa chant. The adulation of the crowd becomes La Criatura’s undoing however as he takes too much time doing reps of his opponent in a military press and finds his mask yanked over his eyes! As he stumbles about to try and fix his headwear, Joanna climbs to the top rope and launches herself as he fixes his mask and takes a load of To the face! La Criatura is out and Joanna gets the win via pinfall! WINNER VIA PINFALL: JOANNA SILVER! Post match as La Criatura remains on the mat, Joanna’s eyes drift to the sack still at ringside. A mischievous grin crawls across her face and she grabs it, making off with the load of precious toys inside! Carson: “BY GOD, PETER DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS!?” Valentine: “We’re getting silicon in our stockings?” Carson: “THAT BOOTYLICIOUS BUCCANEER JUST STOLE CHRISTMAS! IN JANUARY!” Valentine: “Dear god…” Carson: “WE’VE ONLY GOT…eleven months to get it back. Huh. WELL AT LEAST THERE’S A LOT OF TIME!” La Criatura groggily gets up in time to see Silver waving bye bye at the entrance curtain and gives chase after her! Leaving us ready for… Carson: “Some promos! Yes all three of our competitors in the main event tonight have a chance to speak ahead of their clash, let’s hear from them! First up, he’s a former Mid Atlantic Tag Team Champion and a former NOTBPW…member of the roster, Flash Saaaaavage!” “Tonight I show the world why Flash Savage has always been and will continue to be the best wrestler in the world! SAW is my stepping stone back to the top and you will all feel the pressure of the most fashionable boots in pro wrestling on the back of your heads before I finally crush them as I jump back into the big leagues!” Carson: “Wow! Usually you have to pay to get that kind of treatment!” Valentine: “Say what-?” Carson: “NEXT UP IT’S FORMER RIPW PROSPECT, RAYNE MAN!” “Tonight I show the world why Rayne Man has always been and will continue to be the best wrestler in the world! SAW is a fine little league but I’m shooting for the sky and I’ll remember you all when I get back home in the SWF…Mr. Eisen, please, god, call me. Oh uh and tonight I’m gonna make it Rayne!” Carson: “WOW SUCH PASSION!” Valentine: “What the-do all of them talk about how they’re using me to get back on TV!? The nerve of them! What’s this last joker have to say!?” “.......hey. I’m gonna beat ya. Gonna beat that pretty face. Gonna pin ya. Gonna hit ya with my Q-Ball and pin ya in the ring. It’s gonna happen. Don’t be too upset. I’ll let ya pet my fluffy red hair after if it makes ya feel better. Just a thought.” Carson: “.........” Valentine: “.........” Carson: “Let’s-” Valentine: “LET’S MOVE ON! God I need a palate cleanser after that, two big leaguers and whatever that doll-eyed creep was supposed to be.” “LOS ANGELES CALI-FOR-NAI-AYYYYYYYY! WHO! IS! YOUR! PAPAAAAA!” Oh hey, charisma is happening, and it’s from someone happy to be here! The crowd cheer despite having no idea who’s talking but fret not, that’s revealed in short order! “AWWWWWWW YEAH! THAT’S THE STUFF, THAT’S WHAT I LIKE TO HEAR BAY-BEEEEEE!” Cali stalwart and all around charisma machine, Papa Swoll makes his way out onto the scene and poses to some raucous cheers, the big man trotting around the ring to slap hands with the fans before sliding into the ring and posing with the microphone he brought. Papa Swoll: “Aw ya Papa loves ya too, LA. Tonight I show the world that Papa Swoll has always been and will continue to be-pfffhahahaha, nah I’m just messin’. Petey why you let those jokers in the main event, ya know nobody in Cali brings it like I do!” Valentine folds his arms and grumbles about his poor choices. Swoll: “Yeah man you do that little sulk, Papa’s ‘bout to bring this night to a climax early, cuz who do I got? I got one of the hottest luchadors to-DAY coming up in here to try and take me on, Chess Maniac I don’t care ‘bout your pawns, your rooks, your bishops, or your queens because where I’m from we play checkers and tonight you ‘bout to see a King on any board, feel me? I got the power, I got the people, and I! GOT! THE! POOOOOOOOUNCE! SO GIMME WHAT YA GOT BECAUSE IN THIS HOUSE, PAPA MAKES THE RULES!” The crowd goes crazy as Papa throws down the mic and gets ready for his opponent. Carson: “...he really should be in the main-” Valentine: “SHADDUP, CARSON!” VERSUS Papa Swoll versus Chess Maniac If Papa Swoll’s promo intimidated the thinking man’s luchador, he didn’t show it as the man with the checkered past, present, and future came out blazing with an array of acrobatic and technical moves, the highlight of which was a hurricanrana sent Swoll falling to the outside! As Swoll attempted to recover, Maniac attempted a suicide dive to the outside…but was caught! Readjusting into a powerslam position, Swoll carried an extremely dismayed Maniac all the way back into the ring and SMASHED him down to the mat with a running slam. The fans firmly behind him, Swoll did a little strut around the ring before building up speed, bouncing off the ropes again and again as the fans chanted ‘Swoll! Swoll! Swoll!’ before SMASHING into a rising Maniac with the power of a runaway freight train with his famous Pounce finisher! The pin is academic and despite his good showing, Maniac is sent back to the drawing board…or chess board as the case may be. WINNER VIA PINFALL: PAPA SWOLL Carson: “An exemplary match here between these two men, a main event in any company! What should have been a main event in THIS company!” Valentine: “Ohhhh bite me he’ll main event next show ya whiny little…uggggh…” Carson: “Papa Swoll is hotter than a ghost pepper served on top of a brick oven pizza in a burning five star restaurant and everyone here loves their Papa!” Valentine: “Don’t say it like that, you're gonna make it weird!” Carson: “It got weird around the time a pirate beat santa claus with her butt, Peter!” Valentine: “Ehhh point taken.” Voice: “HEY KIDS!” Valentine: “Now what?” Voice: “WHO’S READY TO LEAAAARRRRN!?” BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Other Voice: “Aw don’t be that way, learning can be fun! Especially when you’re with…” “THE HAPPYTIME LEARNATORIUM!” Carson and Valentine: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!” Carson: “WHAT IS THAT THING?!” Valentine: “SET IT ON FIRE!” Carson: “HIT IT WITH A CAR!” Valentine: “THEN BURY IT IN DEATH VALLEY!” Monkey Puppet: “Sheesh that’s rude, but at least if I get buried there I’ll have company, I’ll be right next to Carson’s three marriages and Petey’s career! Ook ook ook!” Man: “Now Myron, that's not very nice!” Myron: “But it’s funny! Cuz it’s true! Or my name isn't Myron T. Monkey (the T. stands for The)!” Man: “Sorry about him, Boss, Myron here just gets a little snippy when folks make fun of his looks. But hey everybody, my name’s Garry, Garry The Entertainer (the the stands for the)! And this is my partner in edutainment:” Woman: “Tickle! Miss Tickle! Hiya folks! Who’s ready to learn!?” BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Garry: “Now come on, folks, turn those boos into Ooooh’s because tonight we’re gonna teach you all about riddles!” The ‘trio’ make their way to the ring and pose, the crowd is reserving their third boo in case this sucks eggs. Garry: “Now riddles are very important, they’re like exercise equipment for your brain!” Tickle: “That’s right, Garry, why just one brain teaser can keep your mind pumping as you try and solve it throughout the day! We’ve got a few to help you get-” They’re cut off with ominous music as two men appear from the back and enter the ring. “STOP! EVERYTHING! You two are out here talking about brain teasers? Riddles? Don’t make me laugh! I, the great DeCipher, have come all the way from Mexico to solve the greatest riddle of all: How the uneducated masses could possibly enjoy the fine art of professional wrestling and what do I find?” Garry: “Education!” Tickle: “Fun!” Myron: “Some other forms of punctuation to put on that silly mask?” DeCipher: “SILENCE! I have found IMBECILES! KNOW-NOTHINGS! CRETINOUS DOGS TOO CRAVEN TO MATCH WITS WITH MYSELF OR MY ASSOCIATE! YOU SAY YOU WANT RIDDLES!? WELL COWER AT THE MINDBENDING ELOCUTION OF THE GREATEST MIND OF OUR TIME: DISTURBED!” “Hrgkle prrrrng hnkhnkhnkhnkhnkk eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeergh.” Garry: “...” Tickle: “...” Myron: “Holy cow hook that man up on PHONICS, people!” DeCipher: “HAH, you plebeians can’t even begin to understand a word out of this sage of all sage’s mouth! I came here expecting a battle of wits, but it seems you’ve come unarmed!” Myron: “Now hoooooold on a minute there, Question Boy! I have a riddle for YOU!” DeCipher: “Hah! Pffah! Other dismissive noises! What question could you pose me that would even begin to stump the likes of the great DeCipher!” Myron: “What’d the five fingers say to the face?” DeCipher: “Hm?” And then Garry punches him. SO A MATCH HAPPENS! VERSUS The Happytime Learnatorium vs La Intelligentsia While firmly the aggressors in this, nobody’s blaming the Happytime duo for shutting DeCipher’s erudite piehole and the early blitz of ‘Three’-on-two offense from them gets some big cheers from the crowd even if Myron is a disgusting hellspawn of a puppet. However, a clothesline from Disturbed sends the monkey to the floor and a pulled down rope sees Garry soon join him, leaving Miss Tickle by herself to fend off the big brained brutes. DeCipher tortures the female half of the Learnatorium with technically minded malice, every so often tagging in Disturbed for some methodless madness in the form of chaotic flying attacks and haphazard hellacious holds that leave the fans desperate to see Garry tag in. Eventually a miscommunication on a double team gives Miss the chance and she tags in…Myron. With an assist from Garry, the monkey goes bananas on the two nerds, sending them falling to their backs time and again with hard rights and lefts before causing them to have a meeting of the minds that puts both on their back! As the devious duo are laid out Garry ‘climbs’ to the top rope and is launched with a big flying headbutt to Disturbed that only through an interruption from DeCipher fails to get a three count. With DeCipher trying to regain control, he punts Myron out of Garry’s hands to ringside and shoots The Entertainer into the ropes with an irish whip! Decipher looks for a back body drop but soon finds himself struggling not to fall in a sunset flip…until Miss Tickle catches him with a superkick that puts him on his back for the three count! The Happytimers have solved the riddle of La Intelligentsia, gathering up Myron from ringside to celebrate this victory as the DeCipher and Disturbed retreat to lick their wounds. WINNERS VIA PINFALL: THE HAPPYTIME LEARNATORIUM Carson: “Well let that be a lesson folks!” Valentine: “Talk trash, get thrashed.” Carson: “Uhhh yeah let’s go with that. Folks we’re nearing the main event with every second that passes, the tension is thicker than the lady Peter’s wife caught him looking at on Long Beach earlier.” Valentine: “Hey, that did NOT happen!” Carson: “Only one match remains before our clash of the three most recognizable names in wrestling that don’t actively hate Pete’s guts yet! What could be awaiting us in this battle of the sea versus cybernetics as Simon Waves takes on Insane Machine Mk2!?” “Ooh I know the answer to that!” “Morrissoooooooooonnnnn! Don’t give away the secrets of our secret weapon!” Carson: “Aha, ladies and gentlemen we’re being joined here at commentary by the creators of Insane Machine Mk2: Mostly Mad Morisson and Steve The Overlord!” Steve: “Yeeeees, feel despair worms for you soon will see the debut of the tool with which I shall achieve world domination! A robot so devilishly designed it has somehow attained sentience AND insanity! Truly my chief scientist is the grandest in all the land!” Morrison: “Aw you’re too kind my liege, yes tonight our glorious creation brings destruction and dismay to all of humankind! First Simply Awesome Wrestling, then the World!” Valentine: “Oh come on, even the megalomaniacs are big-leaguing me!?” Steve: “Behold, worms, OUR MACHINE!” “Sup?” A blonde fellow holding a surfboard steps out from the back and waves at the group at commentary. Steve: “NOT YOU!” Simon Waves tries to respond but- A ROBOT ATTACKS HIM! Beating down the surfer from behind and tossing him into the ring to the great delight of Steve and Morrison. The match is on! VERSUS Simon Waves versus Insane Machine Mk2 Given a bit of a breather as Mk2 gets in the ring, Simon manages to regroup and the two cut a blistering pace, on commentary Morrison brags about scanning the mannerisms of many luchadors into his creation and it shows in the sheer agility of Mk2’s movements, dominating the early goings. However, one does not have a career in the Coastal Zone without some level of skill and Waves rallies back control with his own brand of cruiserweight combat that only the intervention of Morrison and Steve could break him off from! With Morrison ranting angrily at the ref, Steve slipped into the ring with Simon Waves’ surfboard and smashed it into his back! Morrison continues to keep the referee distracted…somehow, and Steve gets a bright idea: He goes to the outside and grabs a pair of steel chairs, setting the surfboard up on the both of them, directing Mk2 to powerbomb Waves onto it! As the robot does as bade, Waves suddenly returns to life and hurricanranas Mk2 through them in time for the ref to turn around and count the pin as Steve has his back turned and doesn’t notice! WINNER VIA PINFALL: SIMON WAVES! Carson: “An outstanding victory by the man from the Coastal Zone! He beat the odds like his name was Rocky Golden out there!” Valentine: “But at what cost, Carson? At what cost? That board is TOTALLED now!” Carson: “Surely he can buy another with the winner’s pur-” Valentine: “BAHAHAHAH!” Carson: “Ouch. Bummer for him, but fans, the time has arrived! It’s the main event! Three Men! One Victor! Who Will Win The…wait this isn’t a title match, what the heck do they even win?” Valentine: “Uhhhhh bragging rights.” VERSUSVERSUS Flash Savage versus Rayne Man versus “Qreepy” Quentin Queen The much vaunted main event of worst show ever kicks off with all three men in the ring, ready and willing to put their bodies on the line for the-well don’t worry what it’s for! The tension is palpable, the electricity hangs thick in the air the- “HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD EVERYTHING!” Pain in the ass landlady is back!? Sandra is back and she’s traded her protest sign with a comically large checkbook. Sandra: “Gentlemen gentlemen I have a proposal for you all!” The trio look at Sandra with interest…well two of them do, Queen just keeps staring into space. Sandra: “I’ve done the math on what Mr. Valentine is paying you and not only will I double it, I will TRIPLE it if you will forsake this horrible organization!” Rayne and Flash look at each other, then at Quentin, then shrug. Beginning to exit the ring. Valentine: “Oh you are KIDDING ME!” Carson: “What in the-Valentine do something!” Valentine: “I’m working on it, okay you ripoff artists, have a taste of THIS!” Peter produces a button and dramatically presses it…nothing happens. He presses it again. Nothing happens. Press press press. Nothing nothing nothing. Valentine: “Crap, the cage full of zombies I bought off Morrison in case someone tried to hold me up for money isn’t opening. Well I’m out of ideas.” Carson: “What about matching her offer?” Valentine: “NO WAY! IT’S THE PRINCIPLE OF THE THING!” Carson: “You’re Peter Valentine, you have no principles!” Valentine: “It’s the naked greed of the thing!” Sandra looks smug as she and her cadre of bland mildly attractive men begin to walk away. Voice: “HEY!” Everyone’s eyes turn to the entrance ramp where a familiar face has shown up. “Ya see now THIS is why you should’ve put me in the main event, Petey. Papa Swoll always delivers and Papa Swoll’s about to deliver a butt-whuppin’ on these three namby pamby deserters in the ring there!” Sandra: “Hah, I doubt you’re fast enough to get to us before we get to the exit.” Swoll: “Oh yeah…but he is.” The quartet turn to see their way barred by “Rook to E4. Check.” Sandra and her newly acquired goons back off, she grits her teeth. Sandra: “W-well it’s still two against three, you’re never going to beat all of them!” Peter looks around and notices someone is still at ringside, mourning his board. Peter: “HEY SIMON, BEAT THESE THREE UP AND I’LL PAY FOR A NEW BOARD!” “RIGHTEOUS!” Simon whirls to face off with Sandra and Co. as they’re herded back into the ring…it seems we have a main event after all! VERSUS Simon Waves, Chess Maniac, & Papa Swoll versus Rayne Man, Flash Savage, & “Qreepy” Quentin Queen The word chaos gets thrown around a lot these days but it’s about the only good way to describe this match, which of course meant it was heavily in the favor of the less straight-laced trio. Despite their bout earlier in the night, Maniac and Swoll seem fine working together and with Waves rounding out their trio the sheer absurd combo of their personas and abilities make things a bit too hot to handle for their deserter opponents. However, that isn’t to say the other group didn’t have their own secret weapon, the Karen to end all Karens at ringside who takes every opportunity to scream out abuse at the ref for distractions and send a cheap shot the other team’s way, particularly yanking around Maniac’s mask to make him vulnerable to a three-on-one beatdown by her new clients. With the crowd practically begging for a hot tag, it takes some quick thinking from wrestling’s foremost tactician to give them what they want; countering a monkey flip from Queen, Maniac tossed the red-headed weirdo into Savage and superkicked Rayne Man off the apron and dives for the other corner making the tag to Waves. Coming in like a crashing tidal wave, Simon shows that the abuse he suffered at the hands of Mk2 and Steve earlier didn’t slow him down a bit with the power of the crowd behind him and runs circles around the Deserter squad, eventually nailing Queen with a shiranui and scaling the ropes to let out a cry of “COWABUNGA!” that immediately became falcetto as Rayne Man and Savage intercepted him with a double tug to the legs that left him crotched on the top rope! With Queen slithering out of the way, the remaining two deserters SMASH Waves into the mat with a double superplex as Sandra cheers on the outside, going to stand and taunt the crowd smugly…not noticing Papa Swoll stepping into the ring behind them. The big man grabs both former big league prospects by their hair but gets a kick to the gut and a flurry of punches that put him in the ropes. Rayne and Flash go to bounce off the ropes but Swoll follows them and clotheslines both over the top rope to the outside! Swoll turns around to find himself face to face with Chess Maniac, the two staredown for a moment before Swoll gives an exagerated ‘after you’ gesture and Maniac goes speeding out to ram into the rising Rayne and Flash on the outside with a suicide dive! As Sandra tries to revive her men, forcibly dragging them up (with Maniac slowly rising as well), she’s forced to look up as once again a cry of “COWABUNGA!” shakes the building as Simon Waves launches himself with a crossbody onto the entire crowd. Swoll looks at the heap, then to the crowd, starting to bounce and clap, telegraphing his own dive but as he turns he finds himself on the receiving end of a slap from Quentin Queen. A slap that does NOT do as much damage as the “Qreepy” one thinks it does as he turns to nod enthusiastically at referee Tatum Richards who does NOT share his opinion of his ‘devastating’ maneuver. As he turns back around Swoll grabs him by his fluffy red hair and smashes him with a headbutt so hard he stumbles back into the ropes and rebounds directly into a Pounce that puts him down for a three that has the crowd erupt in the cheers! The SAW Loyalists Win! WINNERS VIA PINFALL: PAPA SWOLL, CHESS MANIAC, AND SIMON WAVES Carson: “THEY DID IT, BY GOD THEY DID IT! WE GOT A MAIN EVENT AFTER ALL!” Peter: “Hallelujah, Carson, and look at them run away with their tails between their legs!” Indeed, Rayne Man, Savage, and Sandra are fleeing ringside, pointing angrily at the celebrating trio in the ring who are standing over their ‘comrade’. This clearly isn’t ov- “AAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!” Rayne Man screams out in pain as something barrels into him and…BITES HIS SHOULDER!? “BRAAAAAIIIIINSSSS!” Carson: “WHAT THE-!?” Peter: “OH CRAP ONE OF THE ZOMBIES GOT OUT, EVERYBODY RUN!” Everyone from wrestlers to staff to audience members flee as the sudden undead monstrosity tries to chow down more on a fleeing Rayne Man. And just like that, the Worst Show Ever is over.</div> 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blake Trask Posted March 16, 2022 Share Posted March 16, 2022 OH NO, A ZOMBIE OUTBREAK. That show was fabulous. I laughed out loud several times. Carson Cooper and Peter Valentine was the commentary duo I didn't know I needed in my life, and a landlady is a special kind of evil. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wrestling Machine Posted March 16, 2022 Share Posted March 16, 2022 definitely not used to follow wrestling comedy shows, so this is fresh and funny to me. pls zombies don't bite pirate's booty Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pteroid Posted March 16, 2022 Author Share Posted March 16, 2022 Simply Awesome Wrestling Presents: Peter Valentine’s Day (Get it? Ya…ya get it?) Main Event Match Flash Savage w/Sandra Karensdottir vs Papa Swoll Rayne Man (if he’s still alive) vs Joanna Silver La Intelligentsia (DeCipher & Disturbed) vs Ups And Downs (Zephyr & Penfold Perdition) Zombie Boy vs Chess Maniac vs Simon Waves Insane Machine Mk2 & Steve the Overlord vs The Happytime Learnatorium Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wrestling Machine Posted March 17, 2022 Share Posted March 17, 2022 Main Event : Flash Savage w/Sandra Karensdottir vs Papa Swoll Rayne Man (if he’s still alive) vs Joanna Silver La Intelligentsia (DeCipher & Disturbed) vs Ups And Downs (Zephyr & Penfold Perdition) Zombie Boy vs Chess Maniac vs Simon Waves Insane Machine Mk2 & Steve the Overlord vs The Happytime Learnatorium Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Herrbear Posted March 17, 2022 Share Posted March 17, 2022 Main Event Match Flash Savage w/Sandra Karensdottir vs Papa Swoll Rayne Man (if he’s still alive) vs Joanna Silver La Intelligentsia (DeCipher & Disturbed) vs Ups And Downs (Zephyr & Penfold Perdition) Zombie Boy vs Chess Maniac vs Simon Waves Insane Machine Mk2 & Steve the Overlord vs The Happytime Learnatorium Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pteroid Posted March 20, 2022 Author Share Posted March 20, 2022 Last call on predictions, after a crap week I'm writing the new show now Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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