Ai Championship Wrestling: Wrestling of the Future! Totally Legit! GIVE CESAR KASLOW MONEY (Tverse)

[Pteroid]

BREAKING NEWS: FOUNDER OF THE CLUB BACK WITH 'CUTTING EDGE' PRODUCT 

 

JANUARY 1, 2024 - Cesar Kaslow has come roaring back into headlines in the wrestling industry this week as he has debuted an 'Iconoclastic, Groundbreaking, and Futuristic' new product: Ai Championship Wrestling (or Ai-CW). Amid a crowd of industry journalists in the company's new Silicon Valley HQ, Kaslow promised a company whose hiring practices, storylines, and even color commentary would be provided by proprietary AI engine 'KittyKat'.

"The wrestling industry has been dominated too long by the small minds of industry hangers on and money men," Kaslow said answering a journalist question, "With the KittyKat AI Model we're going to revolutionize the industry by removing the need for these dinosaurs and barnacles with an algorithm trained on the habits of Pro Wrestling's most influential bookers."

The question was 'Who programmed the AI?' for the record.

Along with his bold proclamations, Kaslow debuted the majority of the company's roster (picked by KittyKat), the matches for its first 'Seed Money' event, and the company logo.

 

BLACK IDOL | EL VEES

EMPEROR SHIMAOKA | ESPACIO PIRATA

LAKA | GENERAL VILLAINY

LIL $WAG | LYN MERRIT

PARIS FASHION | JIMMY VELOUR

LARRY LIGHTNING | XTIAN ST. OURS

THE FABULOUS BLANCO BROS (JIMMY & JUAN)

REFEREE ZACH VINCENT | OWNER CESAR KASLOW

PLAY BY PLAY HANK HERNANDEZ JR. | COLOUR COMMENTARY KITTYKAT AI

MANAGER DR. HAZARD

 

 

Ai-CW: THE FUTURE IS NOW Vol. 1

Ai-CW CHAMPIONSHIP SIX-WAY TITLE MATCH
BLACK IDOL VS EL VEES VS ESPACIO PIRATA VS LIL $WAG VS LARRY LIGHTNING VS LYN MERIT

THE FABULOUS BLANCO BROS. VS GENERAL VILLIANY & EMPEROR SHIMAOKA

JIMMY VELOURS VS XTIAN ST. OURS

No he didn't answer why the robot in the logo was holding a shoe.

[KyTeran]

This looks like it's going to be fun.

Ai-CW CHAMPIONSHIP SIX-WAY TITLE MATCH
BLACK IDOL VS EL VEES VS ESPACIO PIRATA VS LIL $WAG VS LARRY LIGHTNING VS LYN MERIT

THE FABULOUS BLANCO BROS. VS GENERAL VILLIANY & EMPEROR SHIMAOKA

JIMMY VELOURS VS XTIAN ST. OURS

[dstephe4]

I was interested in this one throughout the intriguing introduction.

 

And then I read the part about the (presumably AI generated) logo holding a shoe, and now you have my attention completely.

 

I have a sneaky feeling this could be very amusing and entertaining. How much will AI be involved with this diary  IRL?

[Wrestling Machine]

We're in for a fun ride! No clue if these guys are TVerse originals or if you created them, no clue about their stats, POP, etc. All I know is this guy is my new fav worker

 

BLACK IDOL VS EL VEES VS ESPACIO PIRATA VS LIL $WAG VS LARRY LIGHTNING VS LYN MERIT

THE FABULOUS BLANCO BROS. VS GENERAL VILLIANY & EMPEROR SHIMAOKA

JIMMY VELOURS VS XTIAN ST. OURS

[newbiezness]

Ai-CW CHAMPIONSHIP SIX-WAY TITLE MATCH
BLACK IDOL VS EL VEES VS ESPACIO PIRATA VS LIL $WAG VS LARRY LIGHTNING VS LYN MERIT

THE FABULOUS BLANCO BROS. VS GENERAL VILLIANY & EMPEROR SHIMAOKA

JIMMY VELOURS VS XTIAN ST. OURS

[stratusfaction]

I've laughed so much with just the first post!

All your men look the same and I'm here for it.

[Pteroid]

Ai-CW: THE FUTURE IS NOW Vol. 1
From: San Francisco, CA
Attendance: 78

The first ever event for Ai Championship Wrestling opens before an enthralled and rowdy group of bros of all types, be they of tech or crypto. They hoot and holler and chant for the glorious triumph of technology that is about to unfold before them like a bunch of monkeys that would grace a Nonfungible Token. Here to greet the fans (and hopeful angel investors) is none other than the founder and proprietor of the business, Cesar Kaslow!

"Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the FUTURE of professional wrestling, Ai-CW! I am your humble owner and operator, Cesar Kaslow, the MVP of Ree-Al-Ih-Tee and I am here to welcome one half of our sterling announce team to his first day on the job! Give a big hand to Hank Hernandez Jr.!"

Hank Hernandez Jr., man of inimitable wrestling pedigree and complete utter stranger to 99.99% of the audience, walks down to the ring to stand next to Cesar.

Cesar:
"Hank, welcome to the future, welcome to Ai Championship Wrestling!"

Hank:
"Mr. Kaslow it's an honor to be here for this historic occasion, I'm happy to see all these ah...happy...numerous...faces. I thought you said we were gonna have hundreds here..."

Cesar:
"Hah! Who needs the unwashed masses when we've got the elite of the elite! Every single member of this audience is an innovator in his field, ready to invest in a vibrant and disruptive new product that will revolutionize this industry!"

Buzzwords! The fans go nutty for 'em!

Hank:
"I uh...I see! Well I'll just-what on earth is that next to the commentary table!?"

Hank points over to the commentary table where-

A large server rack has been set up next to it.

Cesar:
"Haha, Mr. Hernandez please come with me!"

Cesar leads the way over to the table and places his hand on its side.

Cesar:
"Meet your co-commentator: KittyKat!"

 

Hank:
"WHAT THE!?"

Cesar:
"Isn't she something?"

Hank:
"Why does it have the TikTak robot voice!?"

Cesar:
"I feel like we have much more important non-lawsuitable questions to ask right now!"

Hank:
"I...buh-how is this gonna work, it's a computer!"

KittyKat:  

Hank:
"Ok well it's smart enough to go for the low-hanging fruit like a commentator but still-"

Cesar:
"Look Hank, I understand you're a stuck in your ways old timer-"

Hank:
"I'm two years younger than you!"

Cesar:
"But this is the future and the future involves a lot of money for us both if you play ball."

Hank:
"I...well...fine I guess..."

Cesar:
"Yay!"

Kitty Kat:  

Hank:
"What?"

Kitty Kat:  

Cesar:
"Well we have our team together so it's time for our first match, starring a young up-and-comer, a roaring lion of a rookie talent against one of the most respected veterans in all of our sport!"

Hank:
"...Who's Jimmy Velour? Also isn't Xtian St. Ours that guy who keeps getting caught taping locker room conversations-?"

vs
JIMMY VELOUR VS XTIAN ST. OURS

The youngest Velour never really gets out of the gate as St. Ours absolutely pummels him from bell to bell until finishing him off with The Exclusive (Fame-Asser) in dominant fashion that no one in their right mind would book outside of a Cesar Kaslow promotion...

WINNER VIA PINFALL: XTIAN ST. OURS

Hank:
"That kid didn't have a chance, what a mismatch!"

KittyKat:  

Xtian St. Ours:
"That was just the START of my reign of terror over this company! I am the one and only Insider in this business and I got the scoop on what's the real future around here! Put this in the dirt sheets, Xtian St. Ours is going to the top and this whole company's gonna be carried on my shoulders!"

Voice:
"You couldn't carry a fishing pole on those narrow shoulders, little man!"

The owner of the voice interrupting St. Ours' rant steps out from the back.

Kitty Kat:

The bulky Hawaiian strongwoman folds her arms as St. Ours stumbles back at the sight of her.

Laka:
"That's right, little man, you better step back, because they didn't give me a match tonight but I know a mouth I should shut when I see one so next month I think I'll make my debut against you and see if I can't turn you 'Insider-Out!'"

St. Ours tries to wave her off but she grins and mouths 'see you then' before returning to the back. St. Ours kicks the mat at having made a massive problem for himself and soon heads to the back as well.

Hank:
"Well it looks like Volume 2 has its first match primed and ready!"

KittyKat:  

Hank:
"Wait you're the booker too?"

KittyKat:  

Hank:
"That's...ominous but hey I'm getting paid. I'm also getting told we have an interview primed backstage ahead of our next match so let's go there now!"

Backstage flanked by General Villainy and Emperor Shimaoka, Dr. Hazard grits his teeth and cracks his knuckles.

Hazard:
"Fabulous Blanco Bros. tonight you are in for a rude awakening because you starry eyed young luchadors may think that this here is a land of opportunity, but I'm sorry to tell you you're in the land of giants!"

The camera notes that Shimaoka is noticeably shorter than both his tag partner and his manager.

Hazard:
"You have General Villainy, the giant of body! Emperor Shimaoka, the giant of spirit! And I, Doctor Heinrich Hazard, the giant of the mind! Hazard's Hellion's are here to spread chaos and disarray all over this upstart startup until it crashes harder than KritCoin!"

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOWFUCCENDAREYOU!!!!!!!!!!"

The audience ferociously howls for the blood of Hazard all the way back out in the arena! It's due a bounce back, we tells ya, a bounce back!

Hank:
"Good lord, these people are about to riot!"

KittyKat:  

Hank:
"Let's get this match going before we have to see these guys try and jump a railing."

vs
Hazard's Hellions vs The Fabulous Blanco Bros.

With newly minted heat magnet Dr. Hazard at ringside the heels spend most of the match bullying the ever loving crap out of Jimmy Blanco with Villainy focusing on power moves supported by Shimaoka's acrobatics with Hazard running interference whenever it looked like Jimmy might make the hot tag. When it finally does happen the crowd erupts as Juan takes the skies with a flurry of sloppy botches breathtaking aerial maneuvers that have the heels reeling. Juan gets a nearfall on Shimaoka but Hazard distracts the ref and Villainy makes the save! Villainy and Shimaoka lay a beatdown and look to toss Juan out to Hazard on the outside but Jimmy interferes and Villainy tumbles out onto Hazard instead! With manager and enforcer down Shimaoka falls easy prey to superkick/rollup combo for the pinfall victory. The tech bros shower the two extremely white luchadors with love like they'd just defended the honor of the virgin Mary herself.

WINNERS VIA PINFALL: THE FABULOUS BLANCO BROS

Hank:
"A Fabulous win by the Fabulous Brothers, truly watching them move is poetry in motion!"

KittyKat:  

Hank:
"Not programmed to pronounce Japanese names yet?"

KittyKat:  

Hank:
"In any case folks, our cameras caught up with our six contenders for the-I'm sorry the title is called 'The Golden Sneaker'?"

Cesar pops his head into frame.

Cesar:
"I had to explain the logo somehow!"

Hank:
"Great, six contenders for a literal shoe...how much money are you paying me again?"

Cesar:
"Yes."

"OOOOOOOOOH YESSIR, DIGGIT!!! Larry Lightning comin' at ya my in the land of Artificial Intelligensia and you can call me nonbinary with how I'm number one with no zeroes, yeah! Cyberspace is the place and I got that electricity to power all the computers in Silicon Valley and that's a Larry Lightning guarantee!"

"Espacio Pirata here to take that belt back home to the stars, ready to-wait I'm sorry it's not a belt it's a...is my English not actually not that good, it's not a sneaker is it? It IS? WHAT!?"

"Lil $wag in the place to be
Gonna put a chump down for the 1-2-3
Got that Detroit swag
And this match in the bag
That pretty golden sneaker's comin' home with me!"

"This is nonsense, you can't actually expect me to work in the chaos of a six-way match, there are rules that should be followed! This is barbarism! Anarchy! Madness! All of this for a shoe!? A SINGLE SHOE!? I AM AGHAST!"

"KYAAAAAAHAKHAKHAK! FOOOOOOOLISH CESAR KASLOW! YOUR PATHETIC TECHNOLOGICAL INNOVATIONS WILL NOT SURVIVE THE WRATH OF BLACK IDOL! I SHALL TAKE YOUR SNEAKER AND YOUR TECHNOLOGY FOR MY QUEST FOR WORLD DOMINATION! KYAAAAAAHAKHAKHAKHAK!"

"Whoa now, mama, I'm gettin' thrown to the hound dogs tonight! Five of the finest wrestlers there ever was and there's no disguisin' the devil in any of 'em! But you know me, when ya put me in the jailhouse, El Vees is gonna rock it! Ah uh huh~!"

Hank:
"An...eclectic group if ever there was one."

KittyKat:  

Hank:
"Even the Elvis impersonator?"

KittyKat:  

Hank:
"Well with that little fun fact out of the way it's main event time!"

SIX-WAY MATCH FOR THE Ai-CW GOLDEN SNEAKER CHAMPIONSHIP


LARRY LIGHTNING VS ESPACIO PIRATA VS LIL $WAG VS LYN MERIT VS BLACK IDOL VS EL VEES

To call this match chaos would be to imply this show had any order to it in the first place, but it is extremely hard to follow this cartoon dust-cloud of a brawl with high-spots thrown in at random. Everyone gets a chance to shine but it's clear the emotional highpoint of the night was the Blanco Bros. defending the honor of a rugpull scam-I mean completely legitimate digital currency. Then out of nowhere about six minutes in the bell rings without anyone seemingly actually getting a pin or submission.

WINNER VIA...uh...what?

KittyKat:  

Hank:
"Time limit? Judges? You didn't mention anything like tha-"

KittyKat:  

Hank:
"WHO!?"

Out from the back is shoved Paris Fashion who looks around confused before being handed what appears to be an obviously spray painted gold Hi-Top Sneaker which she holds up like a title belt while the actual people wrestling for it look annoyed in the ring.

Hank:
"Welll congrats I guess, it makes no literal actual sense but judges gonna judge."

KittyKat:  

Hank:
"Beg pardon?"

Paris looks as confused as Hank at that news.

KittyKat:  

Hank:
"SHE HASN'T EVEN HAD A MATCH HERE YOU NUT!"

Paris' lip begins to tremble at the implication that her career is over before she's even had a match in the company.

KittyKat:  

Paris is openly sobbing now, that one hurt.

Hank:
"Hey that was just a straight up insult what's wrong with this thing!?"

Cesar:
"OH HEY WE'VE REACHED THE END OF OUR RUNTIME!"

Cesar runs over and begins fiddling with buttons on Kitty's casing.

Hank:
"Kaslow your machine's gone a bit-"

Cesar:
"THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE GOT FOR TODAY FOLKS, HAVE A NICE DRIVE HOME, TELL YOUR BOSSES ABOUT US! TIP YOUR WAITRESSES WITH FINANCIAL ADVICE LIKE HOW THEY SHOULD SMILE MORE BYYYYYEEEE!"

Hank:
"Now you hold on just a min-"

The screen goes black.

...

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