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British Wrestling with BALLS (C-Verse 2014)

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Story starts in the post below

 

Hello, all. I've been gone from these boards for a fair while (family life has rather taken over) but it's lovely to be back. I'm cracking on with ECW Worldwide but I always liked having a comedy project on the go - which is where this comes in (plus many of you won't have had the opportunity to follow the behemoth that is Worldwide from the start).

 

The canon of this diary dates back to an old, old dynasty (MOSC: The Worst of British Wrestling - found here: http://greydogsoftware.com/forum/showthread.php?t=32960). As such, I've made a few slight changes to the database. The only one that needs mentioning at this stage is that Larry Wood's overness in the UK will be higher -hovering around D pop overall - highest in Scotland dating back too those old days in the "Combat Zone". Any others will be explained in character. The eagle-eyed amongst you will notice I'm pinching some stuff from a previous diary I never quite got off the ground - I feel plagiarising myself is excusable ;).

 

For those who haven't read a Nevy C-Verse diary before, it's British, it's crass and the wrestling is absolutely... well, balls. Thus, I feel I should apologise in advance :p.

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<p></p><div style="text-align:center;"><p><span style="font-size:18px;">Meeting the greatest man alive...</span></p><p> </p><p>

<span>http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/CharliePag2.jpg</span></p></div><p></p><p></p><p> </p><p>

<em>I sat alone with a bottle of scotch in front of the latest episode of 21CW's "Best of British Wrestling"</em></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Sellout! Another sellout! Oh, and another one... YOU BASTARDS!</p><p> </p><p>

<em>A knock came on the thin semi-detached wall.</em></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Sod off Mrs Anderson! I'm making less noise than your husband did with his secretary on Saturday!</p><p> </p><p>

<em>The knocking stopped.</em></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Oooh, hit a nerve did I? Then stop hitting my bloody wall!</p><p> </p><p>

<em>I suddenly recoiled in my seat.</em></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> AAAAH! ANTICHRIST! DIE! DIE! HOLY WATER! HOLY WATER!</p><p> </p><p>

<em>In retrospect, I admit that throwing scotch at the TV screen was not the most rational response to Jeff Nova's entrance.</em></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> There are demons in the TV! Strange little sports entertainment demons! You hear that Mrs. Anderson... Jeff Nova! He's coming for your children!</p><p> </p><p>

<em>The phone rang... I almost fell off the sofa in surprise. I cautiously picked up the receiver.</em></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> I'M SORRY WARRIOR! I'M SORRY I DIDN'T REALISE THEY WERE TAKING US DOWN FROM THE INSIDE! TAKE ME BACK! PLEASE! I'LL DO ANYTHING!</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Voice:</strong> What are you talking about?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> You're not Warrior!</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Voice:</strong> Yeah... thanks for that. I haven't had man boobs since sixth form and I plan to keep it that way.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Then, Warrior hasn't forgiven me?</p><p> </p><p>

<em>Hearing a noise, I turned around.</em></p><p> </p><p>

</p><div style="text-align:center;"><span>http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/DuntonHall.jpg</span></div><p></p><p></p><p> </p><p>

<em>The strange old man threw a glass of water over me.</em></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Man:</strong> Pull yourself together!</p><p> </p><p>

<em>He closed his cellphone and put it in his pocket.</em></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> It was you on the phone.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Man:</strong> You don't say.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Wait... how did you get in my house?! This is trespassing.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Man:</strong> Only cretins trespass. Real men break and enter.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> And that's supposed to appease me?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Man:</strong> I don't really care but do me a favour... don't get quite so irate. Your cheeks go all puffy and you look like Vanessa Feltz.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Hey! Insensitive references to Vanessa Feltz is my gig.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Man:</strong> Firstly, don't say "gig"; you sound like a commoner. Secondly, I beg to differ.</p><p> </p><p>

<em>He pulled a book from his pocket bearing the words "1001 Insensitive Vanessa Feltz References by Dunton Hall"</em></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> You're Dunton Hall!</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> Whatever gave you that idea?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Well...</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> Don't answer that. Fancy a drink?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Well, I only have this bottle and it's pretty much empty.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> Never mind. It was filth anyway.</p><p> </p><p>

<em>The UK's most brilliant man pulled a a bottle of Dalwhinnie and two crystal glasses from another pocket.</em></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Nice! Anyway, why are you writing about that fat old bird?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> Insensitive reference number 347, page 168, paragraph three.</p><p> </p><p>

<em>I stared blankly.</em></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> Just a compulsion. My girlfriend thinks it's endearing.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Really? Which girlfriend?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> Haha, very witty. But, seriously, I will kick your teeth in.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Fair enough.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> But that book was just some comedic relief. I'm back to critical work now.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Anything interesting?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> I call it "Brideshread Revisited: Revisited".</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Wow... er... catchy.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> I've warned you.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> You have... I apologise.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> Now... fancy running another wrestling promotion.</p><p> </p><p>

<em>Surprised, I spat my scotch right in his face.</em></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> Wipe it off.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Excuse me?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> Here's a tissue. Now, wipe it off.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Yes sir.</p><p> </p><p>

<em>I mopped the scotch from his brow.</em></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> Now ring it back into the glass.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> What?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> It's 120 year old scotch... RING IT IN THE SODDING GLASS!</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Fine... fine.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> There's a gap in the UK market for a comedic promotion and you had some fairly funny stuff going on up North.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Thank you.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> Don't get me wrong... my two year old niece could do better but she's not in the wrestling business.</p><p> </p><p>

<em>I quipped back sracastically.</em></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Really? What's her job.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> Astro-physycist.</p><p> </p><p>

<em>My mouth fell open.</em></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> So, don't be such a smart arse. Now, the thing was, you tried to appeal too much to "smart marks"... marks aren't smart. And that whole 21st Century Alliance angle...</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Brilliant wasn't it?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> Awful. Pull that sort of crap and I'll drop you quicker than the BBC dropped Russel Brand a few years ago... and, before you ask... yes, I have shagged Andrew Sachs' granddaughter. Now, get yourself cleaned up. You smell like a drunken pig with a faulty colon. We'll discuss this further in my office.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> 'Kay... just one question.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> Make it quick, I've already kept the queen waiting half an hour.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Why didn't you just ask me over the phone?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> Because this is all just a dream.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Damn... really?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> No you pillock! Because only crap diaries start with a mystery phone call.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Fair enough.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> Oh, and...</p><p> </p><p>

<em>He floored me with a surprisingly hefty punch.</em></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> That's for the girlfriends jibe.</p>

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<p></p><div style="text-align:center;"><p><span style="font-size:18px;">(A) Meeting (with) the greatest man alive...</span></p><p> </p><p>

<span>http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/CharliePag2.jpg</span><span>http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/DuntonHall.jpg</span></p></div><p></p><p></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> So, how's this gonna work.</p><p> </p><p>

<em>...I said, still clutching my swollen face.</em></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> Comedy.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Yeah, got that.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> Hardcore... seeing as that seems to be your forte.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Excellent.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> ...and some good old pushpin to sweeten the deal.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Come again?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> Breasts and buttocks, lad. Keep up.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> That I can handle. But why are you choosing to finance a fringe wrestling outfit?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> As I said... gap in the market. Men of Steel Prostates have gone tits up thanks to your running them into the ground.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Hang on...</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> I'm kidding. I'm sure it was that balding ginger bastard.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Speaking of Men of Steel...</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> ...Prostates? Yes, please, go on.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> What's with the prostate fixation? Have you had some bad news?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> You wait 'til your my age.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> No thank you. I hope I die before I get old.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> ...or mentally mature.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> I'm sorry?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> Nothing... you should know. I think I've got some foreign talent interested. No one major but a few names that will fit the hardcore environment.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> For the promotion?! But... how... wha...</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> Connections, kid.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> But I could never make the Combat Zone appeal to workers outside Britain.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> Kid, there are two types of people in this world... schmucks and Dunton Hall! What does that make you?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Distrustful of your arrogant attitude?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> Clever... but no. You're a schmuck and schmucks don't get anywhere.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Then why hire me?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> There are two types of schmuck, kid. Those who die trying and those who try dying. You managed to surround yourself with guys who were the latter in Men of Steel Prostates. That sells, kid. That really sells.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> So, you're saying I'm marketable.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> Dear god no. I'm saying you have a chance at booking a televised promotion and if you don't pipe down I'll get in touch with my niece instead.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> But she's two!</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> Yes but we've already established she's more intelligent than you... probably had more women too.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Don't want to know, frankly. I am making some demands, though.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> You've got balls kid. I like it. I'll soon cut them off and feed them to you but, for now, I like it.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> I want some of the boys from Men of Steel. I know them; they know me.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> How unfortunate for them.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Well, I was going to suggest getting my old broadcast partner, Manny Morhan, in but, by the sounds, I could have better banter with you.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> Banter is a reciprocal process, kid. I think the kids would call this a serving but keep trying. We all have to start somewhere. But, yeah, fine, bring in who you want... I'll keep concentrating on opening some foreign doors so that your talent pool is wider. I don't want a bunch of established names, though. I want a brand identity. So, if you bring in some Men of Steel, I want the roster balanced with new faces.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> What do you mean "new"?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> Oh, just the no-name talentless sort of hacks you're used to working with.</p><p> </p><p>

<em>I breathed a sigh of relief.</em></p>

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<p></p><div style="text-align:center;"><p><span style="font-size:18px;">(A) Meeting (with) the greatest man alive (and others)...</span></p><p> </p><p>

<span>http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/CharliePag2.jpg</span><span>http://i775.photobucket.com/albums/yy34/parentaladvisorywrestling/DuntonHall.jpg</span></p></div><p></p><p></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Right... so, now what?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> So, now we meet our business partners.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Business partners?</p><p> </p><p>

</p><div style="text-align:center;"><p><em>The door to Hall's office opened as British Samurai and a more familiar face walked in.</em></p><p>

<span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/BritishSamurai.jpg</span><span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/HighlandWarrior.jpg</span></p></div><p></p><p></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Oh sh*t!</p><p> </p><p>

<em>I darted under Dunton Hall's desk.</em></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Highland Warrior:</strong> Gi' back out 'ere ya wee limey bastart!</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Warrior... Greg... I'm sorry, man.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Warrior:</strong> Aye, ya ruddy well will be, ya wee fairy!</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> I didn't know they were taking us down from inside! I was trying to win.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Warrior:</strong> Well, I'd bloody well hate to see what it aye looks like when ya be tryin' to lose!</p><p> </p><p>

<em>Samurai looked scornfully at Dunton Hall... or so I think, the bottom of the desk was slightly obscuring the view.</em></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Samurai:</strong> Was I invited here for a business meeting or... or... well, whatever this is.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> PULL YOURSELVES TOGETHER, YOU UNEDUCATED HEATHENS!</p><p> </p><p>

<em>Warrior looked quizical.</em></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Warrior:</strong> Eh?</p><p> </p><p>

<em>Hall sighed.</em></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> A um nay willing tae tolerate ye acting like a pair o' scunners! Now pipe ye down 'fore I tan yer fizzog!</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Warrior:</strong> Aah.</p><p> </p><p>

<em>The big scot nodded, knowingly.</em></p><p><em>

I emerged from under the desk.</em></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> The four of us are here because we all share a common interest.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Warrior:</strong> SCOTCH!</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> YES!</p><p> </p><p>

<em>He paused.</em></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> ...but no.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Samurai:</strong> Wrestling?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> Dear god no!</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Jeff Nova!</p><p> </p><p>

<em>Samurai rolls his eyes...</em></p><p><em>

...and Warrior spits on the floor at the mention of Nova's name.</em></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> Wipe it up.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Warrior:</strong> Eh?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> You spat on my floor. Now... WIPE IT THE F**K UP!</p><p> </p><p>

<em>Dutifully, the former UK Wrestling legend got down on all fours to wipe up his mess.</em></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Warrior:</strong> I no aye ha' a cloth.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> Then use those man boobs. God knows they sag far enough! Now... back to business... yes. We all want to see Jeff Nova and 21st Century Wrestling knocked off their perch.</p><p> </p><p>

<em>Warrior got back in his chair.</em></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> So, we will be the backers of a new promotion to take the fight to that nancy!</p><p> </p><p>

<em>We all nodded in approval.</em></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Warrior:</strong> Who's booking?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> The effeminate blonde wearing eyeliner.</p><p> </p><p>

<em>I scowled.</em></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Warrior:</strong> Aah, fook!</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> But... we need a name.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Samurai:</strong> Easy... British Wrestlin...</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> No!</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Samurai:</strong> What do you mean "no"?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> I hate companies with "wrestling" in their name. You always end up with a "W" in the acronym and it's so boring!</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> ...and I bet you liked DaVE before they were cool too?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Now you mention it...</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> Shut up.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Yes, sir.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> Okay, another word for wrestling then...</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Samurai:</strong> Grappling.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> No!</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Samurai:</strong> Well, you're a contrary prat aren't you? What's the problem now?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Sam, the thing is...</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Samurai:</strong> Don't call me Sam.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Fine... thing is, I know you come from a traditional wrestling background.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Samurai:</strong> Uh-huh... hence why I'm sitting here.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> But...</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Samurai:</strong> But what?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> This will be less about wrestling and more about fans drinking cheap alcohol while fat man chase after each other with cheese graters.</p><p> </p><p>

<em>Samurai's face fell.</em></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Warrior:</strong> A bit like an Italian cooking show, then?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> At least we have a cuisine... rather than just shoving everything in a deep frier!</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Warrior:</strong> Yer only sayin' that cos ye nae e'er tried deep fried pasta.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Oh, for god's sake...</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> FOCUS! Another word for "conflict", then... how about "acrimony"?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Warrior:</strong> A bit wordy!</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Meaning what? It's actually a word... in English?</p><p> </p><p>

<em>Warrior scowled menacingly.</em></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> I like it.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> Good. British Acrimony...</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Warrior:</strong> ...IN EXTREME!</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Samurai:</strong> No!</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Now who's the negative nancy?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Samurai:</strong> I am NOT being a part of a promotion called British Acrimony in Extreme! Besides, the "in" makes it sound like clothing.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> What?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Samurai:</strong> For instance, I was a proper wrestler. None of this er... cheese grater nonsense. So, I wrestled in lycra. It makes it sound like the company name is referencing attire as in... British Acrimony in Lycra.</p><p> </p><p>

<em>We all stared blankly.</em></p><p><em>

Some tumbleweed blew past the office window</em></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Okay... firstly, bollocks. And, secondly most wrestlers on the UK scene wear leather anyway.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Warrior:</strong> Only 'cos they be a punch a wee pansies! Real men wear spandex!</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> Great, so we've got "British Acrimony in Leather, Lycra and Spandex"...</p><p> </p><p>

<em>It hit me.</em></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> YES!</p><p> </p><p>

<em>Slowly it dawned on the others. And, so, it was born...</em></p><p> </p><p>

</p><div style="text-align:center;"><span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/BALLSLogo.jpg</span></div><p></p><p></p>

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<p></p><div style="text-align:center;"><span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/BALLS.jpg</span><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:36px;"><strong>Roster</strong></span></p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:24px;"><span style="text-decoration:underline;">Faces</span></span></p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:18px;">Larry "Got" Wood</span></p><p>

<span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/LarryWood.jpg</span></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>From:</strong> Now residing in Woodstock, Oxfordshire</p><p>

<strong>Finisher:</strong> Running Big Foot (Big Boot)</p><p>

<strong>Preferred Weaponry:</strong> 2x4</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:18px;">Hungry Hungry Hobos</span></p><p>

<span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/ThimblebyLangton.jpg</span><span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/WootonFitzpaine.jpg</span></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Members:</strong> Thimbleby Langton and Wooton Fitzpaine</p><p>

<strong>From:</strong> Hobohemia</p><p>

<strong>Thimbleby's Finisher:</strong> Hobocanrana (Hurricanrana)</p><p>

<strong>Wooton's Finisher:</strong> Bum Drop (Butt Drop)</p><p>

<strong>Tag Team Finisher:</strong> Soupline Suplex (Double Vertical Suplex)</p><p>

<strong>Preferred Weaponry:</strong> Soup tins</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:18px;">Faces of Death</span></p><p>

<span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/FaceofDeath1.jpg</span><span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/FaceofDeath2.jpg</span></p><p> </p><p>

<em>(played by Alton Vicious and Riddick Jordan)</em></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Members:</strong> Face of Death #1 and Face of Death #2</p><p>

<strong>From:</strong> Deathsville, Facelvannia</p><p>

<strong>Face of Death #1's Finisher:</strong> Face of Death (Headbutt)</p><p>

<strong>Face of Death #2's Finisher:</strong> Face of Death (Headbutt)</p><p>

<strong>Tag Team Finisher:</strong> Faces of Death (Headbutt combo)</p><p>

<strong>Preferred Weaponry:</strong> Their own faces</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:18px;">Geena The Warrior Princess</span></p><p>

<span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/GeenaPrincess.jpg</span></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>From:</strong> Amazonia</p><p>

<strong>Finisher:</strong> Amazon Plunge (Sommersault Senton)</p><p>

<strong>Preferred Weaponry:</strong> Militant feminism; the carcasses of male victims</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:18px;">"The Dread Pirate" Nathaniel Hawk</span></p><p>

<span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/NathanielHawk.jpg</span></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>From:</strong> Born in Bridgetown, Barbados ; now residing on torrent websites the world over</p><p>

<strong>Finisher:</strong> Skull and Cross Bones (Crucifix Powerbomb) ; Hurrican-YARR-na (a hurricanrana even less attractive than the gag)</p><p>

<strong>Preferred Weaponry:</strong> Cutlass; anti-big-businnes lawyers</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:18px;">Extreme Dragon</span></p><p>

<span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/ExtremeDragon.jpg</span></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>From:</strong> The shield of St. George</p><p>

<strong>Finisher:</strong> Dragon Drop (Reverse DDT)</p><p>

<strong>Preferred Weaponry:</strong> Blind and unjustifiable patriotism</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:18px;">Beauty and The Geeks</span></p><p>

<span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/JaseCole.jpg</span><span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/ChristopherLister.jpg</span><span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/SimonaCox.jpg</span></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Members:</strong> Jason Cole and Christopher Lister</p><p>

<strong>From:</strong> The darkest corner of that slightly seedy Sci-Fi memorabilia shop... yeah, that one</p><p>

<strong>Influenced by:</strong> Star Wars and attrocious American reality television</p><p>

<strong>Cole's Finisher:</strong> Sky High</p><p>

<strong>Lister's Finisher:</strong> A-Lister (Fame Asser)</p><p>

<strong>Manager:</strong> Simona Cox</p><p>

<strong>Preferred Weaponry:</strong> Plastic Light Sabers</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:24px;"><span style="text-decoration:underline;">Heels</span></span></p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:18px;">Four Norsemen of the Apocalypse</span></p><p>

<span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/Harald.jpg</span><span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/Ragnar.jpg</span><span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/Hagbard.jpg</span><span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/Starkad.jpg</span></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Members:</strong> Harald, Ragnar, Hagbard and Starkad</p><p>

<strong>From:</strong> Valhalla</p><p>

<strong>Universal Finisher:</strong> AXE SMASH FACE (Double Axe Handle)</p><p>

<strong>Preferred Weaponry:</strong> Pestilence, war, famine and death... all in their Nordic incarnations</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:18px;">"TJO" That Japanese One</span></p><p>

<span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/TJO.jpg</span></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>From:</strong> Japan</p><p>

<strong>Finisher:</strong> Me Hurt You Long Time! (Death Valley Driver)</p><p>

<strong>Preferred Weaponry:</strong> Fighter planes (only when targetted at unsuspecting naval bases)</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:18px;">The Elimination Agents</span></p><p>

<span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/Suicide.jpg</span><span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/Genocide.jpg</span></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Members:</strong> Suicide and Genocide</p><p>

<strong>From:</strong> The Hallowe'en section of the local fancy dress shop</p><p>

<strong>Suicide's Finisher:</strong> Full nelson Slam</p><p>

<strong>Genocide's Finisher:</strong> Hanging Powerslam</p><p>

<strong>Preferred Weaponry:</strong> Face paint</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:18px;">The Yank</span></p><p>

<span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/TheYank.jpg</span></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>From:</strong> Across The Pond</p><p>

<strong>Finisher:</strong> War On Terror (Proton Lock)</p><p>

<strong>Preferred Weaponry:</strong> <em>See Extreme Dragon.</em> Also... handguns; super PACs; omitting Us from words that clearly contain them; confusing "pants" with "trousers"; calling football "soccer"; assuming all British people are posh, drink tea, eat crumpets and have met the Queen; we could go on...</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:18px;">The Buzzard</span></p><p>

<span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/TheBuzzard.jpg</span></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>From:</strong> A mental asylum... apparently</p><p>

<strong>Finisher:</strong> Buzz Off</p><p>

<strong>Preferred Weaponry:</strong> Thinking he's a buzzard</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:18px;">MosCOW The Communist Bovine</span></p><p>

<span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/MosCOW.jpg</span></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>From:</strong> A farm... in Communist Moscow</p><p>

<strong>Finisher:</strong> From each according to their ability to udders according to their need (Gore)</p><p>

<strong>Preferred Weaponry:</strong> His/her udders</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:18px;">The C0ckney Rebels</span></p><p>

<span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/DannyPatterson.jpg</span><span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/HarleyNeill.jpg</span></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Members:</strong> Harley Neill "The Gnarly Heel" and "The Tower of London" Danny Patterson</p><p>

<strong>From:</strong> The Eastend</p><p>

<strong>Harley's Finisher:</strong> East End Piledriver</p><p>

<strong>Danny's Finisher:</strong> Choke Slam</p><p>

<strong>Preferred Weaponry:</strong> Anything and everything</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:18px;">Ripper Le Stat</span></p><p>

<span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/RipperLeStat.jpg</span></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>From:</strong> New Orleans, Lousianna</p><p>

<strong>Finisher:</strong> Choke Slam</p><p>

<strong>Preferred Weaponry:</strong> Blood loss</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:18px;">Restholds 'R' US</span></p><p>

<span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/JDMorgan.jpg</span><span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/BarryGriffin.jpg</span></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Members:</strong> JD "Boring" Morgan and Barry "Bland" Griffin</p><p>

<strong>From:</strong> A bygone era</p><p>

<strong>Morgan's Finisher:</strong> A resthold</p><p>

<strong>Griffin's Finisher:</strong> A resthold</p><p>

<strong>Preferred Weaponry:</strong> Boredom and general irritation</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:18px;">Australian Idols</span></p><p>

<span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/Vaughan.jpg</span><span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/ChopperRourke.jpg</span><span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/BlitzSimpson.jpg</span></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Members:</strong> Vaughan, Chopper Rourke and Blitz Simpson</p><p>

<strong>From:</strong> The Australian penal system</p><p>

<strong>Vaughan's Finisher:</strong> Choke Sleeper</p><p>

<strong>Chopper's Finisher:</strong> Spinebuster</p><p>

<strong>Blitz's Finisher:</strong> Lifting DDT</p><p>

<strong>Preferred Weaponry:</strong> Boomerangs, Australian footballs and those bloody grating accents</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:24px;"><span style="text-decoration:underline;">Others</span></span></p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:18px;">Dunton Hall</span></p><p>

<span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/DuntonHall.jpg</span></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Role:</strong> Spiritual father, certified genius and commissioner</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:18px;">Manny Morhan</span></p><p>

<span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/MannyMorhan.jpg</span></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Role:</strong> Announcer</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:18px;">Charlie Pag</span></p><p>

<span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/CharliePag.jpg</span></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Role:</strong> Prick</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:18px;">British Samurai</span></p><p>

<span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/BritishSamurai.jpg</span></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Role:</strong> Road agent; quality control</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:18px;">The Highland Warrior</span></p><p>

<span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/HighlandWarrior.jpg</span></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Role:</strong> Road agent; kayfabe control</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:18px;">Matthew Morris</span></p><p>

<span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/MatthewMorris.jpg</span></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Role:</strong> Fat man with a mic</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:18px;">Melanie Florence</span></p><p>

<span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/MelanieFlorence.jpg</span></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Role:</strong> Interviewer and cynic</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:18px;">Roy Worrall</span></p><p>

<span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/RoyWorrall.jpg</span></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Role:</strong> Referee</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:18px;">Aurora</span></p><p>

<span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/Aurora.jpg</span></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Role:</strong> T&A</p></div><p></p><p></p>

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D-Lyrium Collaborator

D-Lyrium

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The Four Norsemen of the Apocalypse may just be the greatest stable in living memory.

 


Talking of Nordic wrestlers, this sounds like the perfect roster for The Damned. Hope to see him at some point (and Bedlam, down the line, too! He seems a perfect 'Nevermore guy')!

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Nevermore Newbie

Nevermore

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<blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-username="D-Lyrium" data-cite="D-Lyrium" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="37995" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div>The Four Norsemen of the Apocalypse may just be the greatest stable in living memory. <3 The fact that only 50% of them are actually Nordic adds to the appeal, if anything.<p> </p><p> Talking of Nordic wrestlers, this sounds like the perfect roster for The Damned. Hope to see him at some point (and Bedlam, down the line, too! He seems a perfect 'Nevermore guy')!</p></div></blockquote><p> </p><p> Yeah 50% too much genuine nordic blood really <img alt=":D" data-src="//content.invisioncic.com/g322608/emoticons/biggrin.png.929299b4c121f473b0026f3d6e74d189.png" src="<___base_url___>/applications/core/interface/js/spacer.png" />.</p><p> </p><p> Sadly, one of my owner goals is to not sign anyone in trouble with the law - a problem The Damned has had. So, maybe when I've got some rope to work with from Dunton <img alt=":p" data-src="//content.invisioncic.com/g322608/emoticons/tongue.png.ceb643b2956793497cef30b0e944be28.png" src="<___base_url___>/applications/core/interface/js/spacer.png" />.</p><p> </p><p> And Bedlam must leave 21CW first. No scum work here!</p><p> </p><p> Quote The Raven</p><p> Nevermore</p>
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Kitarzu Newbie

Kitarzu

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Faces Of Death.

Faces Of Death.

Faces Of Death, Faces Of Death, Faces Of Death.

Faces Of Death, Faces Of Death, Faces Of Death.

Faces Of Death.

Faces Of Death.

Faces Of Death.

Death.

Faces Of Death.

 

:D

 

Do you planned to have your loyal fans back? Maybe with new ones?

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Nevermore Newbie

Nevermore

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<p></p><div style="text-align:center;"><p><span style="font-size:18px;">How that roster came together</span></p><p> </p><p>

<span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/CharliePag.jpg</span><span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/DuntonHall.jpg</span><span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/BritishSamurai.jpg</span><span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/HighlandWarrior.jpg</span></p></div><p></p><p></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> ...and J.D. and Griffin, of course!</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Samurai:</strong> Excellent choices! How about Walter Morgan?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Warrior:</strong> Aah, fook nae!</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Samurai:</strong> Why not, he's a stand-out technician?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Really, Sam? We have to go through this again. It's not technical wrestling... it's fat men chasing each other with cheese graters! How many times?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Samurai:</strong> Oh, for god's sake!? When did wrestling become fat men with cheese graters?!</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Warrior:</strong> Aye, well back in eh 1987...</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Samurai:</strong> IT WAS RHETORICAL! WHO USES BLOODY CHEESE GRATERS?!</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Warrior:</strong> Well...</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Samurai:</strong> No!</p><p> </p><p>

<em>The office phone rang. Dunton hall picked it up.</em></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> Aha... very good. Send them in. Blondie... some friends are here to see you.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Eh?</p><p> </p><p>

</p><div style="text-align:center;"><p><em>Several familiar faces walked in.</em></p><p>

<span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/LarryWood.jpg</span><span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/DannyPatterson.jpg</span><span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/HarleyNeill.jpg</span><span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/TheYank.jpg</span><span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/MannyMorhan.jpg</span></p></div><p></p><p></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Larry!</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Wood:</strong> Pag! How the hell are you?</p><p> </p><p>

<em>I hugged the hulking mountain man.</em></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Good, thanks. I thought you were just working Canada now.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Wood:</strong> I was but I got a call from Dunton Hall saying you were setting up a new promotion.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> How do you know Dunton?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Wood:</strong> He's my landlord.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> In Canada?!</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> Long story. The Canadian government hold a lease on my land.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> What?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> You know that whole decolonisation thing?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> What, you mean the disbanding of the empire?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> Yeah well I bought Canada.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> You bought Canada?!</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Hall:</strong> What's the matter, are you deaf?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Wood:</strong> Anyway, I don't know how long I'll stick around what with the injuries but, if I can help get you off the ground, I'll do my best.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Legend... cheers Larry! Now, Danny and Harley, what are you doing here? I thought you were working for Nova...</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Patterson:</strong> We walked out on those contracts... we want to work for you guys.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> But why?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Neill:</strong> Well, for one thing, Nova won't let us use cheese graters!</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Samurai:</strong> OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Patterson:</strong> What's his problem?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Warrior:</strong> He's nae in on the whole cheese grater thing.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> And Greg Gauge, as I live and breathe... I thought you'd gone to find fame in Japan?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Gauge:</strong> Yeah, well... when I write my autobiography in a few decades, I think this will be the comedic relief section.</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Samurai:</strong> Or the bit where your career implodes...</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Shut it!</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Bald man:</strong> Hey, Pag, how are you?</p><p> </p><p>

<em>I stared blankly.</em></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Do I know you?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Bald man:</strong> It's me, Manny.</p><p> </p><p>

<em>I fell to the floor laughing.</em></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Pag:</strong> Haha... What the f**k happened to you?</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Manny:</strong> Prick!</p><p> </p><p>

<em>...and so my official job title was born.</em></p>

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Nevermore Newbie

Nevermore

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<p></p><div style="text-align:center;"><span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/BTW.jpg</span><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:24px;">Because taking a barbed wire bat to work usually isn't worth the hassle</span></p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:18px;"><strong>BALLS Tag Team Championship Tournament: Round 1</strong></span></p><p>

<span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/Tag.jpg</span><span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/Tag.jpg</span></p><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:12px;">BALLS: To The Wall, the first BALLS event, features the first round of the Parental Advisory Tag Team Championship Tournament. See how the numbers match? Yeah... we learnt basic arithmetic before dropping out of school! So, take that, Mum! There's also two people in each tag team - not 'cos we're conformist - because we can only afford two belts.</span></p><p><span style="font-size:12px;"> </span></p><p><span style="font-size:12px;">

The matches are:</span></p><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:18px;"><strong>Australian Idols vs. Beauty & The Geeks</strong></span></p><p>

<span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/BlitzSimpson.jpg</span><span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/ChopperRourke.jpg</span><span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/vs.jpg</span><span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/ChristopherLister.jpg</span><span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/JaseCole.jpg</span><span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/SimonaCox.jpg</span></p><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:12px;">We could plug the whole big Aussie behemoths against the plucky young brits angle but, let's be honest, there's only one thing you care about. Simona has tits... two of them! And they're really quite sizeable. Since Cheryl Cole isn't likely to lose any clothing on X Factor, why not give it a miss and tune into BALLS instead?</span></p><p><span style="font-size:12px;"> </span></p><p><span style="font-size:12px;">

Plus, there's sure to be more action than the world cup...</span></p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:18px;"><strong>Norsemen of the Apocalypse vs. Faces of Death</strong></span></p><p>

<span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/Ragnar.jpg</span><span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/Hagbard.jpg</span><span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/vs.jpg</span><span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/FaceofDeath1.jpg</span><span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/FaceofDeath2.jpg</span></p><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:12px;">They wear plastic viking helmets... and the other ones wear cheap halloween masks. It's like a confrontation in a costume shop... but with more potential for blunt-force trauma. Who wouldn't want to see that? Exactly!</span></p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:18px;"><strong>JD Morgan & MosCOW The Communist Bovine vs. Hungry Hungry Hobos</strong></span></p><p>

<span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/JDMorgan.jpg</span><span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/MosCOW.jpg</span><span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/vs.jpg</span><span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/ThimblebyLangton.jpg</span><span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/WootonFitzpaine.jpg</span></p><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:12px;">Okay, confession time... JD Morgan doesn't have breasts... nor do the hobos. But MosCOW does! Well... udders. What's going on with that team you may ask. Well, Barry "Bland" Griffin decided his "other commitments" were more important than BALLS. So, we thought who better to replace him than a species-confused Russian bloke with cow-knockers? Yeah, that'll learn him...</span></p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:18px;"><strong>The Elimination Agents vs. Another Team</strong></span></p><p>

<span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/Suicide.jpg</span><span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/Genocide.jpg</span></p><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:12px;">No, we don't know who they're wrestling. What? We booked the venue, okay. What exactly are you expecting?</span></p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:18px;"><strong>Vaughan vs. Geena The Warrior Princess</strong></span></p><p>

<span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/Vaughan.jpg</span><span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/vs.jpg</span><span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/GeenaPrincess.jpg</span></p><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:12px;">Yes, we know what you're thinking. She </span><span style="font-size:12px;"><em>does</em></span><span style="font-size:12px;"> have breasts but she might just rip you eyes out for looking at them. Anyway, being the strong advocates of gender-equality that we are, we decided to stick a small chick in a wrestling ring with a 6'6" Australian ex-con in peak physical condition.</span></p><p><span style="font-size:12px;"> </span></p><p><span style="font-size:12px;">

Excuse us, our lawyers are on the phone...</span></p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:18px;"><strong>Danny Patterson vs. Larry "Got" Wood</strong></span></p><p>

<span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/Hardcore.jpg</span></p><p>

<span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/DannyPatterson.jpg</span><span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/vs.jpg</span><span>http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/LarryWood.jpg</span></p><p> </p><p>

<span style="font-size:12px;">Two former men of steel prostates do battle in our main event as Danny Patterson takes on Larry Wood to crown the first BALLS Hardcore Wrestling Champion.</span></p><p><span style="font-size:12px;"> </span></p><p><span style="font-size:12px;">

Bloody, brutal and near-intolerable levels of anger-inspired violence. Those are just a few ways to describe the public's likely reaction to England's inevitable performance in the world cup. This should be interesting too.</span></p><p> </p><p>

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>NB: There will be a predictions leaderboard, the leader of which at carefully considered intervals (read: when I remember to check) will win some form of prize. Could be the choice of a stipulation; choosing an event name or some digital merchandise.</strong></p><p> </p><p>

<span style="text-decoration:underline;"><strong>Quick Picks:</strong></span></p><p> </p><p>

Australian Idols vs. Beauty & The Geeks</p><p>

Norsemen of the Apocalypse vs. Faces of Death</p><p>

JD Morgan & MosCOW The Communist Bovine vs. Hungry Hungry Hobos</p><p>

The Elimination Agents vs. Another Team</p><p>

Vaughan vs. Geena The Warrior Princess</p><p>

Danny Patterson vs. Larry "Got" Wood</p><p>

</p></div><p></p><p></p>

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DAVEFAN95 Collaborator

DAVEFAN95

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<p>Australian Idols vs. <strong>Beauty & The Geeks</strong></p><p>

<em>Simona is there manager, come on they got to win</em></p><p> </p><p>

Norsemen of the Apocalypse vs. <strong>Faces of Death</strong></p><p>

<em>These guys look cooler</em></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>JD Morgan & MosCOW The Communist Bovine </strong>vs. Hungry Hungry Hobos</p><p>

<em>No one likes JD Morgan, still though the dude can wrestle better than those hippos</em></p><p> </p><p>

The Elimination Agents vs. <strong>Another Team</strong></p><p>

<em>I actually like the Elimination agents but mystery team always win</em></p><p> </p><p>

Vaughan vs. <strong>Geena The Warrior Princess</strong></p><p>

<em>What I've learned from Nevermore's previous UK diaries is that if you have boobs you'll win, Geena has boobs, Vaughan does not</em></p><p> </p><p>

Danny Patterson vs. <strong>Larry "Got" Wood</strong></p><p>

<em>I don't care who wins his one. But when you've got wood like Larry, You get my vote</em></p>

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KnowYourEnemy Newbie

KnowYourEnemy

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<p>Australian Idols vs. <strong>Beauty & The Geeks</strong></p><p>

<em>F+ is a lot of pop in this promotion -- and they have a manager -- which makes them the early favorites.</em></p><p>

<strong>Norsemen of the Apocalypse</strong> vs. Faces of Death</p><p>

<em>For Heel-Face Balance. I think the Faces of Death are better, but I've got two face teams in already, and the FOD have masked jobber vibe.</em></p><p>

JD Morgan & MosCOW The Communist Bovine vs. <strong>Hungry Hungry Hobos</strong></p><p>

<em>The Hobos will take this one -- if half the team is away on "other commitments" they can't hold the titles.</em></p><p>

<strong>The Elimination Agents</strong> vs. Another Team</p><p>

<em>TOTAL ELIMINATION of the other team. I can't bet against solid British workers who are decently over given the current roster, mate.</em></p><p>

<strong>Vaughan</strong> vs. Geena The Warrior Princess</p><p>

<em>One of the Idols has to look strong, and Vaughn gets the victory -- though Genna has the brighter future in this company, and could get the Goldberg push.</em></p><p>

Danny Patterson vs. <strong>Larry "Got" Wood</strong></p><p>

<em>I'm betting this gets held in Scotland -- max pop for the best worker -- though I gotta hope at this point Wood isn't either A) on time decline or B) close to retirement. He's way better than Patterson is in-ring and that is a factor.</em></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Tag Team Tournament Early Prediction</strong>: In a bout with a good crowd and some decent in-ring action, Beauty & The Geeks Defeat The Elimination Agents. Beauty & The Geeks win the BALLS Tag Team Championships.</p>

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Midnightnick Collaborator

Midnightnick

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<p>Australian Idols vs. <strong>Beauty & The Geeks</strong></p><p><strong>

Norsemen of the Apocalypse</strong> vs. Faces of Death</p><p>

<strong>JD Morgan & MosCOW The Communist Bovine</strong> vs. Hungry Hungry Hobos</p><p>

<strong>The Elimination Agents</strong> vs. Another Team</p><p>

<strong>Vaughan </strong>vs. Geena The Warrior Princess</p><p>

<strong>Danny Patterson</strong> vs. Larry "Got" Wood</p>

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w4lru5 Apprentice

w4lru5

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<p>Australian Idols vs. <strong>Beauty & The Geeks</strong></p><p>

<strong>Norsemen of the Apocalypse</strong> vs. Faces of Death</p><p>

JD Morgan & MosCOW The Communist Bovine vs. <strong>Hungry Hungry Hobos</strong></p><p>

<strong>The Elimination Agents</strong> vs. Another Team</p><p>

Vaughan vs. <strong>Geena The Warrior Princess</strong></p><p>

Danny Patterson vs. <strong>Larry "Got" Wood</strong></p><p> </p><p>

This looks amazing.</p>

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Rickymex Newbie

Rickymex

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<p>Australian Idols vs. <strong>Beauty & The Geeks</strong></p><p><strong>

Norsemen of the Apocalypse </strong>vs. Faces of Death</p><p>

<strong>JD Morgan & MosCOW The Communist Bovine</strong> vs. Hungry Hungry Hobos</p><p>

The Elimination Agents vs. <strong>Another Team</strong></p><p>

Vaughan vs. <strong>Geena The Warrior Princess</strong></p><p>

Danny Patterson vs. <strong>Larry "Got" Wood</strong></p>

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Kitarzu Newbie

Kitarzu

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Australian Idols vs. Beauty & The Geeks

 

Norsemen of the Apocalypse vs. Faces of Death

 

JD Morgan & MosCOW The Communist Bovine vs. Hungry Hungry Hobos

 

The Elimination Agents vs. Another Team

 

Vaughan vs. Geena The Warrior Princess

 

Danny Patterson vs. Larry "Got" Wood

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3rdStringPG Newbie

3rdStringPG

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<p>This stuff is pure gold.</p><p> </p><p>

Count me in as a reader! <img alt=":D" data-src="//content.invisioncic.com/g322608/emoticons/biggrin.png.929299b4c121f473b0026f3d6e74d189.png" src="<___base_url___>/applications/core/interface/js/spacer.png" /></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Australian Idols</strong> vs. Beauty & The Geeks</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Norsemen of the Apocalypse</strong> vs. Faces of Death</p><p> </p><p>

JD Morgan & MosCOW The Communist Bovine vs. <strong>Hungry Hungry Hobos</strong></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>The Elimination Agents</strong> vs. Another Team</p><p> </p><p>

Vaughan vs. <strong>Geena The Warrior Princess</strong></p><p> </p><p>

Danny Patterson vs. <strong>Larry "Got" Wood</strong></p>

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TeflonBilly Newbie

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<p>This looks <strong>really</strong> promising.</p><p> </p><p>

Australian Idols vs. <strong>Beauty & The Geeks</strong></p><p>

<strong>Norsemen of the Apocalypse</strong> vs. Faces of Death</p><p>

JD Morgan & MosCOW The Communist Bovine vs. <strong>Hungry Hungry Hobos</strong></p><p>

The Elimination Agents vs. <strong>Another Team</strong></p><p>

Vaughan vs. <strong>Geena The Warrior Princess</strong></p><p>

Danny Patterson vs. <strong>Larry "Got" Wood</strong></p>

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Psycho Sam Newbie

Psycho Sam

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<p><strong>Australian Idols </strong>vs. Beauty & The Geeks</p><p>

<strong>Norsemen of the Apocalyps</strong>e vs. Faces of Death</p><p>

JD Morgan & MosCOW The Communist Bovine vs. <strong>Hungry Hungry Hobos</strong></p><p>

<strong>The Elimination Agents</strong> vs. Another Team</p><p>

Vaughan vs. <strong>Geena The Warrior Princess</strong></p><p>

Danny Patterson vs.<strong> Larry "Got" Wood</strong></p>

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Satyr24 Enthusiast

Satyr24

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<p><strong>Australian Idols</strong> vs. Beauty & The Geeks</p><p> </p><p>

Norsemen of the Apocalypse vs. <strong>Faces of Death</strong></p><p> </p><p>

JD Morgan & MosCOW The Communist Bovine vs. <strong>Hungry Hungry Hobos</strong></p><p> </p><p>

<strong>The Elimination Agents</strong> vs. Another Team</p><p> </p><p>

<strong>Vaughan</strong> vs. Geena The Warrior Princess</p><p> </p><p>

Danny Patterson vs. <strong>Larry "Got" Wood</strong></p>

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Nevermore Newbie

Nevermore

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Fair warning - some of this show is recycled from a previous diary that didn't get off the ground. Just establishing characters. Everything thereafter is new (...and improved).

 

NB: Not all fans will be featured heavily or even mentioned on all shows. I'll write them in where there is good opportunity.

 

Friday, week 1, January 2014

Held in front of 150 fans at The Paddington Club

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/Lf32oN6y184" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

 

http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/MannyMorhan.jpghttp://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/CharliePag.jpg

 

Manny Morhan and Charlie Pag kick off the broadcast.

 

Manny: Hello and welcome to the venue formerly known as The Paddington Club. But, tonight, we christen it the BALLROOM and this is BALLS: To the Wall!

Pag: BALLS... the official home of rebellion for those who wear name badges to work!

Manny: Insult our viewers with your very first sentence... classy.

Pag: Classy?! Who gives a damn about class, Manny?!

Manny: Not you, clearly.

Pag: Say what you want, Manny. You can't bring me down tonight.

Manny: ...and why's that?

Pag: Because it may only be streamed online in lo-def; it may be some crappy garbage promotion but I'm back commentating and that means that thousands... Well, hundreds... Well, tens... Well, a few people get to see my gorgeous face on their laptop screens.

Manny: Is that toothpaste on your chin?

Pag: Oh, sh*t!

Manny: Anyhow, tonight marks the first round of our tournament to crown the first ever BALLS Tag Team Champions and it looks like the first two teams are about to make their entrances.

 

The first ever wrestlers to appear for BALLS Wrestling make their entrance.

<iframe width="480" height="390" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/tWfcWjeospo" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

 

Pag: It's time to join fat man with a mic.

 

The fat man with a mic is clearly on ring announcer duties.

http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/MatthewMorris.jpg

 

Fat Man: Weighing in at a combined weight of... err... "face of death", hailing from Deathsville, Facelvannia: Face of Death Number One and Face of Death Number Two... The FACES OF DEATH!

 

The Faces of Death stride down the aisle-way in their long, black gowns.

 

Pag: Are those dressing gowns?!

Manny: Maybe they're on a budget.

Pag: Well, excuse me but I would have figured that if you were looking for a cheap yet convincing vampiric gown a place called "Deathsville, Facelvannia" would probably be the place to look.

 

Upon reaching ringside, "The Faces" grab two steel chairs, climb over the guard rail and sit down in the front row of the audience.

 

Pag: Err... 'kay.

 

A fan in the front row seems particularly fascinated by their behaviour.

http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/TheProfessor.jpg

 

He puts down his whiskey cocktail and makes some notes on a pocket pad. He then goes back to observing them while smoking his pipe.

 

Pag: Hey! Professor! There's a smoking ban, you know!

Manny: Well, aren't you "hardcore"?

Pag: Just because I like to obey the law it doesn't mean I'm not hardcore!

Manny: Of course not, dear.

Pag: Piss off, Manny!

 

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/uW-ZgvDaVrc" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

 

Fat Man: And, hailing from Valhalla, at a combined weight of forty one stone and ten pounds: Ragnar and Hagbard... The Norsemen of the Apocalypse.

 

As the Norsemen make their entrance, the camera focuses back on the faces who sit in the audience applauding their opponents.

 

Pag: Did we just pay a couple of bums from outside the arena to dress up or something? They look a bit confused.

Manny: Well, they look a bit dead.

Pag: Obviously...

 

http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/Ragnar.jpghttp://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/Hagbard.jpghttp://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/vs.jpghttp://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/FaceofDeath1.jpghttp://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/FaceofDeath2.jpg

As the bell rings, the Norsemen stand in the ring looking bemused.

The crowd seems equally puzzled.

Referee, Roy Worrall heads out to the arena floor to coax the Faces into the ring.

Looking slightly confused, the Faces duly step over the guard rail.

They then proceed to walk up the aisle-way to the back.

 

Pag: What the hell is going on?!

Manny: I have no idea whatsoever.

 

The Norsemen run (well, lumber) after them and cut off their exit with clubbing blows to their spine.

The Faces of Death are unceremoniously thrown into the ring.

 

Pag: Oh, thank god for that.

 

The referee finally manages to get one of the Faces onto the apron as Ragnar continues the beatdown on the other.

 

Pag: Okay, so Ragnar's the legal man but is that Face of Death Number One or Number Two?

Manny: I'm just going to guess at Number One.

Pag: Fair enough.

 

Ragnar picks up Face of Death Number One in a Military Press and slams him down.

The assault continues until Ragnar decides to tag in his brother Hagbard.

Hagbard steps through the ropes and merely watches laughing as Face of Death Number One crawls towards his partner.

Just as he reaches the corner he is cut off by a big viking boot.

The match continues as a one-sided display of Nordic brutality.

 

Pag: Well, this one looks academic.

 

Hagbard whips the Face of Death into the Norsemen's corner and charges with a Clothesline.

But Face of Death Number one ducks underneath and Hagbard knocks his brother off the apron whilst winding himself on the turnbuckle.

 

Manny: You may have spoken too soon.

 

Face of Death Number One runs over to his partner and shakes his hand.

 

Pag: Err... does that count as a tag?

Manny: It must do.

 

He then turns to face Hagbard as his partner enters the ring.

He grabs the big Viking by the hair and leans back as far as he can and screams...

 

"FACE OF DEATH!"

 

...and lands the most dramatic and oversold headbutt ever seen in a wrestling ring.

 

Manny: FACE OF DEATH!

Pag: It was just a headbutt!

Manny: No, it was a FACE OF DEATH!

 

Hagbard staggers backward straight into Face of Death Number Two.

Face of Death Number Two now grabs Hagbard's hair and screams...

 

"FACE OF DEATH!"

 

...and delivers an equally oversold headbutt.

 

Manny: FACE OF DEATH!

 

Hagbard staggers back towards Face of Death Number One.

 

"FACE OF DEATH!"

 

Headbutt!

 

Manny: FACE OF DEATH!

Pag: Wait, let me get this straight... Face of Death Number One hit a Face of Death on Hagbard to Face of Death Number Two who hit a Face of Death on Hagbard back to Face of Death Number One.

Manny: FACE OF DEATH!

Pag: Who just hit a Face of Death on...

 

Suddenly, Ragnar takes out Face of Death Number Two with a clubbing blow from behind.

 

Pag: Oh... thank Christ for that.

 

As Hagbard falls to the mat, seemingly semi-concussed, Face of Death Number One grabs Ragnar by the hair.

 

"FACE OF DEATH!"

 

Pag: Oh God...

 

But Ragnar shakes free and... Face of Death Number One headbutts his own partner.

 

Manny: FACE OF DEATH!

Pag: Oh, shut up!

 

Both Faces fall to the mat.

Slightly confused, Ragnar sticks his boot on top of one them.

1...2...3!

Match Rating: E+

 

Pag: What the hell just happened?!

 

As the wrestlers leave the ring, Pag is cut off by the music from the PA system.

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/jY_0UDGiBH8" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

 

Manny: It's the boss!

Pag: Oh, congratulations, moron, you can read!

Manny: Don't start that again! It's MORHAN! MANNY MORHAN!

 

Hall: Well, err, that was interesting.

 

"WE LOVE YOU DUNTON!"

 

Hall: Don't talk when I'm talking! God gave you two ears and one mouth for a reason... because, otherwise, your head would be asymmetrical. Now, welcome to Parental Adviso...

 

Hall is not allowed to finish his sentence.

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/Q0CUrWn4R2I" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

 

Dunton Hall's jaw nearly hits the canvas as a 6'5" behemoth steps out onto the entrance-way wearing a cow-print mask...

...and dressed in a hammer and sickle emblazoned cow costume complete with flopping udders.

 

Manny: It's MosCOW The Communist Bovine!

Pag: No Manny, it's a fully-grown man wearing udders.

Manny: Coming all the way from a farm in Communist Russia!

Pag: No Manny, it's a bloke in a cow costume.

Manny: ...and he's got some beef with Dunton Hall.

Pag: Oh my god. IT'S A MAN... DRESSED AS A COW! Wait a second... BEEF?! REALLY?!

 

The udders sway back and forth as MosCOW strides to the ring.

 

Pag: It even says "made in China" on his udders.

Manny: That's because he's communist.

Pag: Oh Jesus tapdancing Christ...

 

MosCOW rips the microphone from hall.

 

MosCOW: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 

A nerdy bald Asian fan holds up a sign reading "I'm in the mooed for MosCOW".

http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/IWCNerd.jpg

 

A big biker behind him pipes up... "Down in front"!

 

Manny: Isn't that Wallbanger from the Combat Zone?

Pag: Yeah... does that guy buy a plane ticket every time a UK wrestling show is on?

Manny: Avid fan I suppose.

Pag: Yeah I get that... except for one thing.

Manny: What?

Pag: UK wrestling is bollocks!

Manny: No... UK Wrestling is BALLS!

Pag: Oh and just to prove the point...

 

MosCOW: MosCOW wants to know one thing, Dunton Hall... why is MosCOW the only cow IN the BALLROOM?

 

Hall grabs the mic back.

 

Hall: First things first... this is MY microphone.

 

A ring assistant waves to gain attention.

 

"Err... actually it's mine. We were one short before the show so I bought one from Dixons.

 

Hall: Kid, you're fired.

 

"Why?"

 

Hall: Because you have an asymmetrical head.

 

"You mean I talk when I should listen?"

 

Hall: No, I mean you're an ugly bastard with an asymmetrical head. Oh, and you talk when you should listen.

 

"That's what I just said.

 

Hall: Sorry, what? I wasn't listening.

 

"Am I really fired?"

 

Hall: Yes but if you fetch me some coffee you can have your job back.

 

"How do you take it?"

 

Hall: Orally.

 

Pag: I bet he does.

Manny: Very mature.

 

Hall: I heard that!

 

MosCOW grabs his own mic.

 

MosCOW: MosCOW asked a question.

 

Hall: Don't refer to yourself in the third person. Are you tripolar as well as species confused? And I'm in the literary and wrestling businesses; I'm not a farmer.

 

MosCOW: It's species discrimination to only have one token cow.

 

Hall: Well, then in the interest of fairness, you're off the show!

 

MosCOW: What?!

 

Hall: Barry Griffin can work the show after all... that's what I was out here to say.

 

Suddenly MosCOW Gores Dunton Hall.

 

Manny: Oh my.. MosCOW just From each according to his abilities to udders according to their needs'd Dunton Hall.

Pag: Well there's a plus.

Manny: What?

Pag: Next time you have to announce that finisher, I've got time for a coffee break.

Manny: For future reference, how do you take it?

Pag: Strong and black.

Manny: I bet you do.

Pag: Moron!

Manny: IT'S MORHAN!

 

As MosCOW strides back down the aisle-way, he sees a fan eating a Big Mac.

http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/TheYuppy.jpg

 

MosCOW stares in disbelief.

 

Manny: Uh-oh!

Pag: Why is he staring at that yuppy?

Manny: I don't think MosCOW appreciates him eating a bovine comrade!

 

MosCOW drags the fan over the guard rail, rips the briefcase from his hands and smacks him over the head with it.

 

"MOOOOOOOOOOO!"

 

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/t_MbtOsm-H8" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

 

Jase Cole, Christopher Lister and Simona all appear from the back wearing storm trooper helmets. However, they trip on the curtain and fall in a heap, their helmets falling off. Unconcerned, they continue to make their way to the ring.

 

Fat Man: Weighing in at a combined weight of 26 stone, 7 pounds, hailing from the darkest corner of that slightly seedy Sci-Fi memorabilia shop... yeah, that one; being accompanied to the ring by Simona, Jase Cole and Christopher Lister... Beauty and The Geeks. And their opponents... weighing in at a combined weight of 36 stone, 2 pounds, hailing from the Australian penal system, Chopper Rourke and Blitz Simpson... The Australian Idols.

 

http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/ChopperRourke.jpghttp://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/BlitzSimpson.jpghttp://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/vs.jpghttp://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/JaseCole.jpghttp://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/ChristopherLister.jpghttp://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/SimonaCox.jpg

The match is received well by the crowd given the unkown status of the four athletes.

After a a back and forth affair, in the sixth minute, Simona jumps onto the apron and flashes her breasts to Blitz Simpson.

The crowd goes wild as Simpson turns around to be confronted by a SKy High from Jase Cole.

1...2..3!

Match Rating: E

 

Pag: Well, I'm glad their advancing in the tournament if we get to see more of Simona.

Manny: Well she'll definitely be back next week.

Pag: I don't care how often I we see her Manny just so long as we see more of her.

Manny: You seedy bastard.

 

A dishevelled bum in the front row realises what's coming next and goes crazy.

http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/PPP.jpg

 

Fat Man: Weighing in at malnourished and underweight yet surprsingly potbellied, hailing from Hobohemia... Wootoon Fitzpaine and Thimbleby Langton... The Hungry Hungry Hobos.

 

The Hobos make their way to the ring with empty cans, asking the fans if they have any spare change. Most refuse.

The dishevelled bum looks desperate to help them out, though, and searches his pockets. Realising he has no change, he spits out a tooth and gives them that instead.

Thimbleby Langton looks stunned.

"Tooth fairy" says the fan.

 

Manny: Now, that is being a fan!

Pag: No, that is being a f**king moron! Hey... you two woould get on.

Manny: One of these days I'm gonna give the fans your home address and laugh at the consequences.

 

Fat Man: And their opponents... Weighing in at... *yawns*... Oh excuse me... hailing from a bygone era; J.D. "Boring" Morgan and "Bland" Barry Griffin... Restholds 'R' Us.

 

A pompous looking man who has been taking notes on his PDF all night pipes up.

http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/EugeneAlistair.jpg

 

"J.D. Morgan is not boring! He is a fine technical wrestle.... Aaah!

 

Pag: Man BALLS fans are going to get a reputation for brutality!

Manny: Is that a cricket bat that guys hitting him with?!

Pag: Yeah... good swinging motion too! He plants his left foot right by the guy's head before hitting it. Textbook technique!

 

http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/JDMorgan.jpghttp://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/BarryGriffin.jpghttp://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/vs.jpghttp://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/ThimblebyLangton.jpghttp://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/WootonFitzpaine.jpg

The match is damn good all things considered and the fans jeer the English veterans like crazy.

In the sixth minute, Morgan applies a resthold to Thimbleby.

 

Pag: OH! HERE WE GO! SIDE HEADLOCK! IT COULD ALL BE OVER RIGHT HERE!

Manny: You're a dick!

 

Bored of having no action to officiate, referee Roy Worral welcomes Wootoon Fitzpaine as an illegal man with a soup tin.

Wootoon takes out both Morgan and Griffin with the tin and then throws it out to ringside.

Thimbleby pushes his partner accusingly and then hops out to ringside to eat the soup.

Wootoon makes the cover.

1...2...3!

Match Rating: E+

 

Melanie Florence is backstage with the Faces of Death.

http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/MelanieFlorence.jpghttp://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/FaceofDeath1.jpghttp://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/FaceofDeath2.jpg

 

The Faces of Death look fascinated by the camera, staring into it and waving.

 

Florence: Could I have your attention for just a second?

 

They suddenly seem attentive.

 

Florence: A tough defeat to the Norsemen of the Apocalypse tonight. How would you rate your performance?

 

Face of Death #1: hmmm... face of death.

 

Florence: Yes... that's your name but about your performance?

 

Face of Death #2 pulls the mic towards himself purposefully.

 

Face of Death #2: Face... face of death. Death, face of death. Face of death face of death. Death. Face. Face of death.

 

Florence: Okay...

 

Dunton Hall walks past.

http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/DuntonHall.jpg

 

Hall: Unlucky tonight, guys.

 

Face of Death #1: Err... Face of Death?

 

Hall: Oh right... Face of death. Face. Death, face of death.

 

Face of Death #1: Aah... Face of Death!

 

Hall: Face of death?

 

Face of Death #2: Face of death.

 

Hall laughs and walks off.

Melanie Florence looks entirely bemused.

 

Florence: Face of Death. Ugh... I mean... back to you, Manny.

 

As the camera cuts away to follow Dunton Hall down the corridoor, the Faces of Death chase after it waving.

 

http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/Vaughan.jpghttp://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/vs.jpghttp://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/GeenaPrincess.jpg

Vaughan pushes Geena and laughs.

Geena pulls a club-like weapon out from her leafy bra and proceeds to beat ten shades of crap out of Vaughan.

 

A fan in the front row looks despondent, realising his countryman is getting beaten up by a girl.

http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/TheAussie.jpg

 

Pag: Jesus this bird can fight.

Manny: A bird of prey you might say.

Pag: You could... if you wanted to turn a simple turn of phrase into an over the top and ineffective analogy.

 

The big Australian never gets an offensive move in.

In the fifth minute, Geena hits a Sommersault Senton.

 

Manny: Amazon Plunge!

 

1...2...3!

Match rating: E-

 

Pag: Remind me not to f**k with her. Although now I mention it, there is some sort of "I'll rip your balls off and eat them" appeal about her.

Manny: So you like it strong, black and sado-masochistic?

Pag: How would you like a broken jaw?

Manny: It's a shame that threat isn't even vaguely convincing really, isn't it?

 

Fat man: Making their way to the ring at this time... weighing in at a combined weight of 24 stone of power and paint, hailing from the Hallowe'en section of the local fancy dress shop... The Elimination Agents.

 

A female fan wearing a Highland Warriot t-shirt marks out for the Elimination Agents' entrance as a nerdy little creep sidles up to her.

http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/Beatrice.jpghttp://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/Gerard.jpg

 

Pag: Is that a Woman?! At a UK Wrestling Show?!

Manny: Don't tell me you're a sexist pig, too!

Pag: No, no, not at all... I was just thinking how much I'd like to bang her, that's all.

 

The nerdy creep reaches for the woman's breats. Without even taking her eyes off the ring, she elbows him so hard in the face that he goes tumbling three rows back.

 

Pag: On second thought...

Manny: Not quite that sado-masochistic, then?

 

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Manny: It's the UK Wrecking Crew! The last ever Men of Steel Combat Tag Team Champions!

Pag: I can see that, thank you.

Manny: They're the Elimination Agent's opponents.

Pag: Wow... rudimentary logic as well as reading comprehension. Haven't we been a clever boy today?

 

http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/Suicide.jpghttp://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/Genocide.jpghttp://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/vs.jpghttp://i133.photobucket.com/albums/q51/menofsteelcombat/MOSCUKWCbelts.jpg

The match is a hardcore weapons-fest and an all-out brawl.

In the seventh minute, Thug Whips one of the demons to the ropes.

 

Manny: CLOTHESLINE FROM HULL!

 

1...2...3!

Match Rating: E

 

After the match, Thug and Bruiser continue the beatdown.

 

Pag: Well that is a statement!

Manny: The Crew are back!

 

Fat Man: And now it's time for the main event to crown the first BALLS Wrestling Hardcore Champion... weighing in at 16stone 4 pounds, hailing from The East End... "The Tower of London" Danny Patterson. And his oppnent... weighing in at 3 pounds shy of a great oak, now residing in Woodstock, Oxfordshire... Larry "Got" Wood.

 

A voice rings out around the arena.

 

Voice: What does everybody want?

 

"HEAD... err... WOOD!"

 

Voice: What does everybody need?

 

"WOOD!"

 

Voice: HERE'S LARRY!

 

Larry Wood storms through the curtain thrusting his 2x4 in the air.

 

He slaps hands with the many fans that seem to be there to see him.

http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/Blondy.jpghttp://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/IrishGuy.jpghttp://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/Cristo.jpg

 

Manny: Larry Wood is back in the UK!

Pag: And I, for one, couldn't be mor miserable to see him.

 

http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/Hardcore.jpg

http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/DannyPatterson.jpghttp://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/vs.jpghttp://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/LarryWood.jpg

As the first two respectable and recognisable talents in the ring, they put on an able display.

Wood beats down on Patterson with weaponry while Patterso fires back with sheer power.

In the tenth minute, Patterson tries to lift Wood up.

 

Manny: He's looking for the Chokeslam!

Pag: But first he's got to lift that feral rat.

Manny: Don't start on about Canadians again.

 

Wood kicks Patterson in the gut before he can be lifted and the mountain man whips the Eastender to the ropes.

 

Manny: RUNNING BIG FOOT!

 

1...2...3!

Match Rating: D

 

Pag: Every damn promotion I work in, I have to see this Canadian oaf lumber about spouting aimless penis metaphors.

Manny: Well, ladies and gents, that was BALLS: To the Wall! I've been Manny Morhan.

Pag: ...and I've been the superior announcer.

Manny: Ugh... goodnight.

 

But as Wood celebrates and the show goes off air, the new champion is blindsided with a stiff chairshot by the Yank.

http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j254/charliepag/TEW/BALLS/TheYank.jpg

 

As the stream cuts out, the last image is the young American assaulting Larry Wood to a chorus of boos.

 

Show Rating: E+

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