DIW 2022: Lori's Law

[619]

Thanks. I didn't want to use two huge main events (the 10-months-in-the-waiting Milton v Edwards title rematch and the Barracudas v Ares Death Cult six-man) on the same show, so that stipulation gave me a justification to hold the six-man off until Chaos Engine while still having a high-stakes match between the teams at Damage Control.

Part 36: Don't joke with The Comedian

“I thought for a second you were screwing Milton over again,” The Comedian told me after the show.

“Who would have guessed I’d ever be able to work you, hey?” I joked back. I could instantly tell from his expression that he didn’t like it, as if he thought I was getting too comfortable.

“Maybe you got it right tonight, but I’m not sure you can at Damage Control with Milton v Edwards. I don’t think either can afford to lose,” he warned.

“Want to know what the plan is?”

“Hell no. If you really knew how to work me, you’d know by now that the less you tell me in advance, the better. If I know you’re about to make a mistake, I’ll block it. If I don’t, I’ll just tell you that you messed up after.”

“So you’re going to do damage control after Damage Control,” I thought, but thankfully stopped myself from staying it out loud.

It got me thinking. I felt like I was developing pretty good instincts for what he hated, but still had no real clue what he liked. Did he like anything?

[Pteroid]

He’s the Comedian…he likes hating things

[lavelleuk]

So I've just been catching up on this - fantastic stuff! The first person narrative is great, the shows are really good but the interactions between shows are sensation!

[Wonk]

This is the most enjoyable diary on the board currently for me. Keep it up!

[619]

Thanks so much for these comments. With the minimal formatting and focus on a fairly minor character in a small promotion, I wasn't sure anyone would read it, so I really appreciate it.

Part 37: Corrective booking

The unusual loser-surrenders-their-chokehold stipulation for Vaughan v Lloyd Banks at Extreme Life had been my idea. The initial moment when Banks joined Ares Death Cult at Havoc in April by appearing behind Blitz Simpson to choke him out with barbed wire and deny him the DIW Title was one of my highlights of the year so far.

However, by having him use the move in every match since, rather than saving it for special occasions, I felt like we’d lost what made that first moment so special. The shock factor was also key to that, with him suddenly surfacing behind the turnbuckle and trapping Blitz there.

Without spoiling the secrets of what we do, execution was also an issue: we could either perform that move authentically at significant risk to the recipient, or we could gimmick it up and risk our reputation for realness.

Instead, the sensible option was to retire the spot, and I was pleased with the way Banks, Vaughan and Lou Brookmyre achieved it, having Vaughan free himself by ripping the wire with his bare, bloody hands. I felt like we’d managed to write off the move in as impactful a way as we’d introduced it, and I hoped that would be what fans remembered, rather than the overkill in between.

I’d learnt my lesson too: seeing the damage the finish to that match had done to Vaughan’s hands, I definitely wasn’t going to ask him to recreate that at every show we had left this year. Then again, even if I hadn’t reached that conclusion, I doubt I would have been brave enough to ask him to repeat it.

[lavelleuk]

3 hours ago, 619 said:

Thanks so much for these comments. With the minimal formatting and focus on a fairly minor character in a small promotion, I wasn't sure anyone would read it, so I really appreciate it.

It may because its from my mod, or because DIW are one of my favourites, but I think the fact its a small promotion with a thin roster adds to it tbh. I hope you keep it going

[619]

Thanks a lot @lavelleuk . Rest assured I'm planning on misusing this wonderful roster you assembled for quite a while yet.

Part 38: An unsettling discovery

My Damage Control planning meeting with Lou Brookmyre continued the surprising recent theme of us agreeing about more than we disagreed on. He seemed content with what I outlined for Milton Hittlespitz v Rob Edwards and Chopper Rourke v Cesar Sionis (the Barracudas and Ares Death Cult members nominated to fight for the five-minute advantage in the six-man showdown at Chaos Engine).

I think I also surprised him with my recall of DIW history with an angle I was proposing for the undercard. It annoyed me so much not to have been certain if Milton Hittlespitz v Kobra Khan was our first champion-versus-champion main event last month that I’d been working on my historic note-taking ever since, revisiting results and title reigns from before I became booker.

Indeed, the only moment of irritation in my hour with Lou was what he told me at the end: he was meeting The Comedian later to toast the boss' 47th birthday. It wasn’t that I felt left out, it was that I was taking Shawn out that night to celebrate his 47th birthday. How could that snarling old curmudgeon have been born the same day as my wholesome hunky hubby?

On the bright side, at least Lou didn’t suggest a double date. We might not be arguing quite as much now as a few months ago, but it was a fragile alliance, and I think three catch-ups a month – one a week before a show, one just before and one after – was plenty for us both.

[619]

Part 39: Damage Control 2022

Soul Burner v Lloyd Banks
The Barbed Wire Messiah demonstrated that, while he was no longer allowed to use the chokehold that had brought him so much success in recent months, as long as he had his favourite weapon, it was no problem. Soul Burner got some early offence in, but the match turned when Banks introduced a board wrapped in barbed wire, striking his opponent in the face with it and then Piledriving him onto it for a decisive three count.

DIW Title challenger Rob Edwards said he’d been given this time to comment on tonight’s main event, he didn’t ask for it. He could easily fire shots, reminding Milton Hittlespitz that he’d ended his fairytale the first time and he was ready to do it again. But just like how he’s the only DIW fighter who doesn’t need to use weapons as his strikes are more powerful than steel, he doesn’t need words to hurt an opponent. The time for talking was over. He’d waited 10 months to get his title back, and even having to wait another hour was unbearable.

Australian Title: Kobra Khan (c) v The Anarchist
The Anarchist was granted this singles title opportunity in acknowledgement of his recent triple threat victory over Hendrix Hughes and Mr. Pink. He used his size to his advantage for most of the contest, cutting Kobra Khan down every time he built up momentum, and it looked like it was his night when he hoisted the champion up for an A-Bomb. But Kobra Khan reversed into a roll-up and, though The Anarchist was up on two, he acted quickly to send him back down with the Ripcord Knee and retain his title.

Former champion Seth Wish had watched the fight at ringside, getting in the ring with the Australian Title after the bell. After a tense pause, Wish gave Kobra Khan the title. He said he was bitter, but he remembered what Kobra Khan once said to him: you may be the first person to have beaten me twice in a row, but nobody will beat me three times, vowing that if he gets another shot, he’ll take it. The masked champion respected the statement.

Blitz Simpson v Carl Paris
I’m not sure it was intended as such, but I interpreted this match as a nine-minute message from Blitz to me: “you’ve got Milton and Edwards in tonight’s main event, you may think they’re the best fighters in DIW, but I am”. Not even a broken nose from a Paris clothesline a few minutes into the match disrupted his rhythm, and he secured the win with a Lifting DDT.

Winner Gets Five-Minute Advantage At Chaos Engine: Chopper Rourke v Cesar Sionis
Chopper Rourke came through the crowd alone and sent Blitz Simpson, who was still in the ring, to the back, happy to go it alone. Ares Death Cult entered together, but we decided to reciprocate the move, with Death Ref taking Gyula Lakatos and Lloyd Banks to the back. The decision to fight one-on-one didn’t make things any more respectful or less violent. Chairs and pipes were used and both blokes were bloodied. When Chopper signalled for a Spinebuster, it was time to introduce Cesar’s most dangerous weapon of all: me. I brazenly walked straight into the centre of the ring, goading Chopper to hit me, empowered by the knowledge that he couldn’t do it without risking a return to prison. He seemed to be contemplating it though, until Cesar snuck up behind him with a pipe shot between the legs, following up with a Running Knee Side-Swipe for a win that means Chopper won’t be able to enter next month’s six-man main event until five minutes have elapsed.

It’s not much of an exaggeration to say that my intervention triggered close to a full-on riot. Vaughan and Blitz came charging through the crowd, with Death Ref emerging at the entrance to send Gyula and Banks into battle. The four men converged on the ramp, quickly being joined by Chopper and Cesar, with the fight spilling beyond the crowd’s view.

The Wrecking Crew (Wrecker and Mr. Pink) v Saracens (Cueball and Tank)
These two tag teams had the difficult task of following that chaos, but they didn’t outstay their welcome. Mr. Pink used his Pink Thunder Bomb to take down Cueball and achieve The Wrecking Crew’s fifth win in six matches as a team, their only defeat coming against the two men about to compete for the DIW Title.

But before that, Two Badass MFers took to the ramp. They said The Wrecking Crew were spreading rumours that they were ducking them instead of being grateful. Grateful they hadn’t left them lying yet, grateful for making them seem like a much bigger deal than they actually are, and for giving them the biggest opportunity of their career. The Wrecking Crew would get their shot next month at Chaos Engine, which just so happened to be the night where Two Badass MFers were equalling the longest DIW Tag Team Title reign ever. So yeah, The Wrecking Crew had a hell of an opportunity… an opportunity to witness Two Badass MFers confirm their status as the best team in Australia. They closed by inviting the crowd to put their ciggies in the air for the greatest tag team in DIW history.

DIW Title: Milton Hittlespitz (c) v Rob Edwards
This was a moment both men had waited 10 months for, so they didn’t waste any time, immediately throwing hands in what, even by DIW standards, was much more fight than wrestling match. The Human Weapon had an answer for everything Milton threw at him, appearing almost desperate to avoid a repeat of the defeat he suffered last December. Milton was the first to attempt his finisher, but Edwards raised his legs as he came down for the Flying Knee Drop, winding the champion. The challenger sensed his opportunity, measuring Milton for the Roundhouse Kick, but lost focus due to more brawling on the ramp between the resurfacing Barracudas and Ares Death Cult. He turned into a chair shot from Milton, who went back up to the top for a Flying Knee Drop to defeat his nemesis once again.

There was no time for Milton, Edwards or the crowd to take stock of what had happened as The Barracudas and Ares Death Cult’s momentum had taken them into the ring, their fight continuing with more windmills than the Netherlands. Neither group got the better of the other here, but there would have to be a winner next month in their six-man showdown.

Edited September 27, 2022 by 619

[AboardTheArk]

The rest of the roster is getting more and more fleshed out, which is great. Fun main event, a distraction finish 👀, and the feud of the year finally will reach the culmination next month!

[619]

Part 40: Alf Kennedy

Damage Control had been our best show of the year and Milton Hittlespitz v Rob Edwards was our match of the year, which felt pretty rewarding given we’d spent 10 months building to it.

However, I’d been distracted somewhat by what happened at the end of the show. The Comedian had told me half an hour before the start that he wanted a few minutes in the ring after the main event. He wouldn’t disclose why, he just assured me it wouldn’t interfere with my booking at all.

Sure enough, after The Barracudas and Ares Death Cult had brawled out of sight, The Comedian’s music hit and he entered to the surprise of the fans. The boss announced that one of DIW’s most loyal fans passed away earlier in the month, so he wanted to toast him in the ring. With that, he grabbed some tinnies from under the ring, proceeded to throw a dozen or so out to the crowd and then took two of his own between the ropes, downed them with a shout of “to Alf Kennedy”, and left.

I didn’t get it. It wasn’t a name I’d heard before, it wasn’t one the crowd seemed to recognise and, as much as I of course sympathised with the fan who passed away, I found the timing odd. It came immediately after a red-hot DIW Title fight and a big brawl between The Barracudas and Ares Death Cult to preview our Chaos Engine main event.

I felt like I had to be missing something. I’d been nose-deep in DIW history recently and the name Alf Kennedy hadn’t appeared once. And yet when I said to Lou Brookmyre in our post-show catch-up that I didn’t think the tribute had fitted in, he answered that it was the right thing to do, and that I’d just have to take his word on that.

[lavelleuk]

50 minutes ago, 619 said:

Part 40: Alf Kennedy

Damage Control had been our best show of the year and Milton Hittlespitz v Rob Edwards was our match of the year, which felt pretty rewarding given we’d spent 10 months building to it.

However, I’d been distracted somewhat by what happened at the end of the show. The Comedian had told me half an hour before the start that he wanted a few minutes in the ring after the main event. He wouldn’t disclose why, he just assured me it wouldn’t interfere with my booking at all.

Sure enough, after The Barracudas and Ares Death Cult had brawled out of sight, The Comedian’s music hit and he entered to the surprise of the fans. The boss announced that one of DIW’s most loyal fans passed away earlier in the month, so he wanted to toast him in the ring. With that, he grabbed some tinnies from under the ring, proceeded to throw a dozen or so out to the crowd and then took two of his own between the ropes, downed them with a shout of “to Alf Kennedy”, and left.

I didn’t get it. It wasn’t a name I’d heard before, it wasn’t one the crowd seemed to recognise and, as much as I of course sympathised with the fan who passed away, I found the timing odd. It came immediately after a red-hot DIW Title fight and a big brawl between The Barracudas and Ares Death Cult to preview our Chaos Engine main event.

I felt like I had to be missing something. I’d been nose-deep in DIW history recently and the name Alf Kennedy hadn’t appeared once. And yet when I said to Lou Brookmyre in our post-show catch-up that I didn’t think the tribute had fitted in, he answered that it was the right thing to do, and that I’d just have to take his word on that.

Intriguing! Or random yet interesting lol

[619]

3 hours ago, lavelleuk said:

Intriguing! Or random yet interesting lol

The dirtsheet(/thread) ratings are in and the verdict is: least successful sudden introduction of a previously unmentioned dead character since Katie Vick 😀 I can at least offer a no-necrophilia guarantee for the Alf Kennedy mystery.

Edited September 28, 2022 by 619

[lavelleuk]

15 hours ago, 619 said:

The dirtsheet(/thread) ratings are in and the verdict is: least successful sudden introduction of a previously unmentioned dead character since Katie Vick 😀 I can at least offer a no-necrophilia guarantee for the Alf Kennedy mystery.

Haha, what the hell? That's mad!

[619]

Part 41: Birthday bumps

Chaos Engine was shaping up to be a significant day for DIW, featuring a long-anticipated six-man war between The Barracudas and Ares Death Cult and Two Badass MFers fighting to achieve the longest ever DIW Tag Team Title reign by defeating The Wrecking Crew.

It was all going down on the day of my 32nd birthday. Shawn advised me not to draw attention to that fact at the show, believing it would make me a sitting target for ribs, so instead suggested going out for drinks two nights before.

Tatum joined us and a few of our non-wrestling friends. Gyula and Cesar were the only other DIW colleagues I invited, but they declined because they didn’t want to disrupt their main event preparation. I both admired the commitment and wondered whether there was a hint of condemnation in their response, as though they didn’t think we should be out then either.

One man who didn’t share Gyula and Cesar’s serious approach was DIW Champion Milton Hittlespitz, who at around midnight entered the bar we were in with his friends more than a little worse for wear. In Milton’s defence, he didn’t have a match scheduled this Friday. He kindly introduced me to his friends: “hey, you know how angry you were when I lost the title, this is the woman whose fault it was”. It was said in jest I think, at least that was how his friends seemed to take it, playfully booing me and shouting down my attempts at a defence.

He was lost to the dancefloor soon after, while Shawn, Tatum and I were the last of our group standing. She asked at one point if I would be celebrating my birthday by taking any bumps at Chaos Engine. I slipped into my heel persona, bragging about how nobody in DIW can touch me while Shawn smiled across the bar, aware of what I was planning.

[619]

Part 42: The Cryptic Crypto Man

Among the many messages I woke up to on the morning of Chaos Engine were two from Tatum. The first was a standard birthday greeting. The second asked if I’d seen this, with a link to an obscure Australian wrestling blog that even I, someone who nowadays regularly sought out the opinions of random fans on the internet, had never heard of.

“DIW fans have spent the last month trying to figure out why owner The Comedian closed their Damage Control show with a toast to Alf Kennedy, supposedly one of the company’s most dedicated fans. None of the DIW show-goers we’ve spoken to since the event could offer any insight into who he was, while the only Alf Kennedy death notice we’ve been able to find is that of a 39-year-old Perth cryptocurrency millionaire who suffered a drug overdose in early October.”

I’d let my initial scepticism over the strange Alf Kennedy toast drift over the last fortnight while I prioritised planning for Chaos Engine, but this confirmation that even our own fans were confused by it convinced me to catch up with The Comedian about it after the show. But before that was the small matter of The Barracudas and Ares Death Cult’s six-man war.

[619]

Part 43: Chaos Engine 2022

Death Ref started the show by declaring that Ares Death Cult had beaten the flaming Barracudas before tonight’s six-man showdown had even begun. He said that Blitz Simpson had his nose broken by a kid last month, speculated that Vaughan is nursing arthritis and Chopper Rourke, well, the match will probably be over by the time his five-minute penalty is over. He said he felt bad for Chopper and that’s why he had got him a gift: another opponent for tonight to make up for him missing the main event. Mindful of the beating he took at Blood And Guts, Shawn exited quickly before The Barracudas had a chance to reply.

Chopper Rourke v Janus
Chopper highlighted what his gang would be missing in the first five minutes of tonight’s main event with a swift and severe dissection of his younger opponent, completed in typical style with an emphatic Spinebuster. Would it be the last one we’d see tonight?

Tag Titles: Two Badass MFers (Hendrix Hughes and Seb Shaw) (c) v The Wrecking Crew (Mr. Pink and Wrecker)
This was arguably too early in the card for the build and stakes, with the champions bidding to become DIW’s longest-reigning tag champions ever, but I wanted to give both this and the main event space to shine. The Wrecking Crew showed the teamwork that earned them a 5-1 winning record since uniting earlier in the year, constantly cutting the champions down. A hot tag to Seb Shaw appeared to have turned the contest, only for Mr. Pink to hit his Pink Thunder Bomb out of nowhere. 1-2-Hendrix Hughes pulled Tatum out of the ring. Wrecker chased him, but Hughes used his momentum against him to send him crashing head-first into the barricade. While Tatum tried to restore order outside, Shaw took advantage inside, ambushing a distracted Mr. Pink with a Spinning Brainbuster for the history-making win.

Two Badass MFers again advised everyone in attendance to put their ciggies in the air for the greatest tag team in DIW history. They were so confident of their superiority that they challenged any team they had never faced for the titles before to step up and take them on next month. Until then though, it was time to party.

Rob Edwards v Pat Rigsby
This match was like turning back the clock as The Human Weapon, who had been hated since costing Milton Hittlespitz the DIW Title in his first defence in January, found the fans back on his side against malicious troll Rigsby. Edwards stood stoic to his opponent’s mocking about his failed DIW Title challenge last month, repaying him with not one, not two but three Roundhouse Kicks, receiving lots of encouragement from a usually hostile crowd.

Edwards asked Milton to come out. He promised no smack talk. He said that for all their differences, Milton and him weren’t gang members, they were fighters who took care of their own business and didn’t need anyone to talk or fight for them. And he knew that after all they’d been through, Milton didn’t want to win the way he did last month, he wanted a clear victory. So his proposal was to let The Barracudas and Ares Death Cult have their gang war tonight, and then next month DIW’s two biggest solo stars could give the fans the main event they wanted to see. No gimmicks, no stablemates, just two fighters going strike for strike until only one man was left standing. The crowd were clearly into the idea, and Milton was too, stepping onto the ramp and nodding his agreement.

Australian Title: Kobra Khan (c) v Soul Burner
Kobra Khan offered anyone in the locker room the chance to step up and face him for his title, and Soul Burner was the fastest to respond. If a brilliant booker doesn’t repeat their mistakes, this match was the proof that I wasn’t a brilliant booker, as I was again afforded the Australian Champion too long in the ring alongside an opponent lacking the experience to guide him and things got pretty messy. The crowd came up for the finish at least, with Kobra Khan’s Small Package Driver and Ripcord Knee combo vanquishing his challenger.

Seconds after the ring had cleared, former Australian Champion Seth Wish appeared. He thanked The Comedian for offering him some time out but said he was ready to return to action, and had hand-picked an opponent for next month. The fans were likely wondering why he didn’t act 15 minutes earlier, at which point he could’ve received a title rematch.

I entered alone ahead of the main event, ready to rile the crowd by giving my men a grand introduction. Before I had a chance to say anything, The Barracudas’ music hit and Vaughan and Blitz Simpson made their way through the crowd into the ring. I asked what the hell they thought they were doing and Blitz responded “well, we’re not out here to wish you a happy birthday”. That one genuinely caught me off-guard as I hadn’t told them it was my birthday, so Blitz was clearly goading me by letting on that he knew, and telling the world. I tried to regain my composure quickly, as there wasn’t much alternative, reminding them that no man in DIW could touch me without criminal consequences. If they wanted to risk it, go for it, maybe they’d get to share cells next to one another again.

Vaughan said that no man could touch me, but they knew someone who could: New Zealand rugby international Momoe Hamuera. As soon as I heard those words, I tried to make a run for it up the ramp, but she was already there, sending me into the steel with a vicious rugby tackle. I didn’t get a second to recover as she dragged me up, got me in a gorilla press and launched me over the ropes. I could hear Vaughan and Blitz, now outside the ring, pounding the mat in anticipation as Momoe lifted me again, putting me on her shoulders and dropping me face first with the move she calls the Sin Bin. The rest of Ares Death Cult raced to the ring without their special introduction, but it was far too late to help me. Death Ref later revealed Chopper Rourke had trapped them in their room, so they had to force a way out.

The Barracudas (Blitz Simpson, Vaughan and, eventually, Chopper Rourke) v Ares Death Cult (Cesar Sionis, Gyula Lakatos and Lloyd Banks)
The first 10 minutes went as you might expect: Ares Death Cult dominated for five minutes until Chopper was able to enter and The Barracudas took control once he evened the sides. Blitz appeared to have the match won when he hit Gyula with a Lifting DDT onto the steel chair the Hungarian had introduced, but Death Ref struck him in the head with some brass knuckles. Chopper punished his interference, pulling him back out of the ring and executing a Spinebuster onto the steel steps. Banks slid a barbed wire board into the ring but was locked in Vaughan’s Choke Sleeper before he could get back in there himself. Inside, Cesar saw his chance to strike with Blitz still on the mat, positioning the steel chair against his face and lining up his Running Knee Side-Swipe. Chopper tackled him a split second before he made the devastating contact. He helped Blitz up and Vaughan joined them in the ring, creating an opportunity to send Cesar crashing into the barbed wire board with the Barracuda Sting. Gyula was back on his feet and crawling over to break up the fall, but Vaughan intercepted with another Choke Sleeper so Blitz could keep Cesar down for the count.

After the bell, The Barracudas took turns to dump Gyula, Banks and Death Ref onto the barbed wire board to progressively louder cheers. Despite being at a disadvantage both in terms of group numbers and in ring for the first five minutes, The Barracudas – with the earlier assist of Momoe Hamuera on me – had left all five Ares Death Cult members lifeless, and jumped the barricade to soak in the adulation of the fans as they made their exit.

[AboardTheArk]

Hell yes! Great show, like three big crowd-pleasing moments, closure to two stories, a very badass debut, this show had almost everything other than Milton vs Rob II. I think your narration works really well with angles since it's very succinct and to the point. Also, a big win to the way you format this diary is that I was shocked and even almost concerned for a second at the birthday line, but then you realize they've been working together for what, 12 years? 

[619]

Thanks @AboardTheArk for such a kind comment, I really appreciate it. On reflection, the birthday subplot was probably a bit melodramatic, especially surrounded by barbed wire and rugby badasses, I just wanted to highlight Lori's awkward relationship as booker with The Barracudas and how they seemed to enjoy making her feel uncomfortable, without necessarily being vicious.

Part 44: Silent treatment

“Happy birthday, you kept that quiet,” Lou Brookmyre greeted me after Chaos Engine, clearly having picked up on Blitz Simpson’s line. “The rugby tackle looked pretty stiff.”

“Thanks, where’s the boss? I can’t find him anywhere,” I replied.

“He had to leave on the bell. He had a meeting tonight that he couldn’t reschedule.”

Something was up. I’d never known The Comedian not to be there at the end of the show. On the contrary, I’d come to believe that telling me everything I’d done wrong as soon as Marv’s emptied out was the highlight of his month. Hadn’t Lou told him I wanted to talk? Or was it the opposite: he’d tipped him off and he wanted to avoid me? Either way, I sensed it wasn’t a good thing.

“That Alf Kennedy he toasted last month, did you know he was from Perth?” I asked.

Lou just grunted, appearing not to want to engage on the subject.

“There wasn’t a single mention of DIW on his social media accounts. He didn’t even follow us. Pretty strange behaviour from our most loyal fan.”

“Uh, I wouldn’t know about that,” he stuttered, pausing for a length of time unprecedented for someone who usually had too much to say, before finally adding “that was some performance by Blitz in the main event, huh?”

I bumped into Blitz on my way to check on my barbed-wire-branded husband and asked him where the line about my birthday had come from. He innocently insisted that it was just a way to add to my heat and make my comeuppance more enjoyable for the fans. It was plausible enough, but the smirk he wore told me it was primarily a power move.

I didn’t hear from The Comedian that night, and he didn’t answer my call the next day either. Like Lou, he was never usually short of something to say, so why the sudden silent treatment?

I’d got myself so worked up about the situation that I was considering doing something drastic if he didn’t let me know what the hell was going on by the time War Machine was over. If he left without talking to me again, I was thinking of quitting.

[619]

Part 45: Full circle

While The Comedian’s disappearing act had really annoyed me, I found myself in the unusual position after Chaos Engine of enjoying an internet review of the show. Even more surprising was the fact I enjoyed it despite it almost entirely ignoring the big blow-off main event. Instead, it charted the year-long conflict between Milton Hittlespitz and Rob Edwards, describing it as “a cyclical story rarely associated with DIW”.

It charted how this time last year, they had been partners, uniting to take down a common enemy in The Barracudas. Their first fight came last year at War Machine: Edwards gave Milton a DIW Title shot as a thank you, and was shocked when Crazy Blue beat him for it.

The Human Weapon felt cheated, as though Milton had used him for his own advancement, lashing out by costing him the title in his very first defence against Gyula Lakatos. A fight against a gang had brought them together but, in tearing them apart, Edwards empowered a cult. That cult would thwart his own attempt to regain the title at Hardcore Heatwave.

Both men became incredibly bitter, but channelled their anger in different ways. Edwards developed a laser-like focus, vowing to go unbeaten until he got another title shot and never losing sight of his mission. Milton underwent a change of demeanour, becoming more sullen and disengaged, rebelling against the DIW power structure in retaliation. Yet, for the difference in their methods, the results were the same: win after win after win.

The hatred grew stronger as they traded violent assaults on one another, but it was their long winning streaks that had put them on another DIW Title collision course.

Yet, when they got there, they were again reminded of what brought them together before: two lone wolves trying to dominate a land of allegiances. When The Barracudas and Ares Death Cult sabotaged their long-awaited Damage Control clash, Edwards asked for a rematch from a place of respect rather than hostility, and Milton responded in kind.

The article closed by asking if their third showdown at War Machine would bring them closure, or if they would be reminded exactly why they’ve spent most of the last year desperate to destroy one another?

Enjoying that kind of coverage wasn’t me taking a victory lap. Milton and Edwards’ initial uneasy alliance and title fight were booked by Big Jim Teasdale while, as you know, my presentation of Milton in the first half of 2022 had received mixed reviews. Not everyone appreciated the storytelling as much as that reviewer, including the man paying the bills.

But it was true that the main event of our final show of the year had been built up to for over a year, and there seemed to be more buzz about War Machine than usual as a result.

However, with that came huge pressure on all of us: for Milton and Edwards to outdo their outstanding performances at Damage Control, and for me to deliver an ending that did justice to everything that had come before.

Edited October 2, 2022 by 619

[619]

No post tomorrow, but the final show of 2022, War Machine, will be on Wednesday, featuring Milton Hittlespitz v Rob Edwards for the DIW Title, Two Badass MFers' open challenge to any team they've never defended the Tag Titles against before, Seth Wish's return to the ring against an opponent of his choice and more.

Part 46: Porn and paranoia

I’d never experienced anything like the War Machine planning meeting before. Lou Brookmyre was on board with everything I outlined, which was very out of character. When I did my final run-through of what I’d drafted the night before, I counted six decisions I expected him to question, and yet he had fully endorsed the first five.

I wasn’t deluded enough to think I’d mastered the art of booking, instead suspecting his sudden supportiveness was a reaction to knowing I was annoyed. Or perhaps The Comedian had tipped him off that he was replacing me like he did Big Jim Teasdale this time last year. Maybe he knew it was my last show and was letting me have my way, knowing it wouldn’t matter soon.

Whatever the motive, it was incredibly convenient because I’d been building up to an awkward request.

“Lou, how would you feel about taking a bump at this show?” My recent antics even enabled my first ever opportunity to cheekily invoke a line beloved by bookers: “You know I’d never ask you to do anything I wouldn’t be willing to do myself.”

Inevitably, I spent the time between the planning meeting and the show googling Alf Kennedy, the throwaway name toasted by The Comedian two months ago that I’d since developed an unhealthy obsession with.

My latest discovery didn’t make things any clearer: he’d left his $5 million inheritance to a porn studio in Darwin. What connection did a drug-overdosing porn-loving crypto millionaire from Perth with no wrestling affiliation have with my boss on the other side of the country?

That wasn’t the only Comedian-centric question running through my mind ahead of War Machine because that same night he sent me a text suggesting we catch up after the show.

It was what I wanted to happen, but suddenly it filled me with dread. We normally caught up after shows anyway, so why was he so formal about it? When I told Shawn, he was of course more optimistic, suggesting that he probably wanted to toast a successful year. I just wish he’d used another word, as mentioning a toast caused a flashback and involuntary shudder.

[619]

Part 47: War Machine 2022

The Barracudas (Blitz Simpson, Chopper Rourke and Vaughan) v The Anarchist, Cueball and Tank
This match had the same chaos factor as last month’s main event, with all six men in the ring at once at times, without the length or violence. Blitz Simpson was the star performer again, with the crowd going wild when he hit his new Nasty Neckbreaker on Tank, but the victory belonged to Vaughan, who left The Anarchist lifeless with his Choke Sleeper.

Vaughan took a microphone after the bell to declare that The Barracudas won the war against Ares Death Cult. He said now was the time to go out and celebrate, but they’d be back next year and their focus would be on winning gold.

The Wrecking Crew (Mr. Pink and Wrecker) v Carl Paris and Soul Burner
This attempt to explore whether Carl Paris and Soul Burner had any chemistry as a team went badly, but luckily the main aim was to build The Wrecking Crew back after their narrow failure to claim the Tag Titles last month. Mr. Pink achieved their sixth win of the year with a Pink Thunder Bomb on Soul Burner.

The Wrecking Crew were reminded how they could’ve ended the year when Two Badass MFers made their entrance as they left, sharing a brief staredown. The champions again instructed the crowd to put their ciggies in the air for the greatest tag team in DIW history. With their typical dismissiveness, Hendrix Hughes and Seb Shaw outlined that they made a challenge to any team they hadn’t beaten already, but they suspected there wasn’t anybody left. At that moment, Ares Death Cult’s eerie music hit, and the brash duo looked unusually subdued as four-time champions Cesar Sionis and Gyula Lakatos answered the call.

Tag Titles: Two Badass MFers (Hendrix Hughes and Seb Shaw) (c) v Ares Death Cult (Cesar Sionis and Gyula Lakatos)
DIW’s longest ever title reign was almost over in the second minute of this match when Cesar caught Shaw with his Running Knee Side-Swipe, but Hughes was able to prevent humiliation. The champions fought their way back into the contest with a display of heart not always associated with them, and it led to Shaw lifting Gyula up for a Spinning Brainbuster, only for his legs to collapse under the weight of his heavyweight opponent. He had no choice but to tag in Hughes, who fell prey to Ares Death Cult’s Blood Sacrifice. After a 16-month reign, Two Badass MFers were no longer tag champions.

Death Ref entered looking irritated despite our success. He said it wasn’t enough, ordering Lloyd Banks to come out and then daring Kobra Khan to face him for the Australian Title.

Australian Title: Kobra Khan (c) v Lloyd Banks
When Kobra Khan took the challenger down three times in the opening minute, he only knew one way to respond. Retreating outside, he waited for the champion to try to bring him back in and levelled him in the head with a trash can lid. From there, Banks introduced a chair, which backfired as his opponent kicked it into his face. Kobra Khan lined up his Ripcord Knee, but this time it was Banks who had the chair ready in self-defence. The Barbed Wire Messiah then introduced a barbed wire board. That backfired last month, but not this time as Banks planted the champion on it with a Piledriver to win his first ever title, and Ares Death Cult’s second of the night.

I got on the mic, still selling my injuries from last month, declaring that while this had been a good night for Ares Death Cult, it was still missing something: the chance for me to give Momoe Hamuera the beating she deserved. I swore that when the opportunity presented itself, I would get my revenge.

Seth Wish v Pat Rigsby
Wish had the choice of anyone in DIW for his comeback match, so it was a surprise that he picked Rigsby. The troll discovered a whole new way to get under his opponent’s skin here: by not trolling them. Wish practically begged Rigsby to goad him, but he refused to oblige, which made the former Australian Champion even angrier. It escalated to the point where Wish grabbed a cane and hit his opponent over and over and over again, not relenting even when a concerned-looking Tatum called the bell to declare him winner by stoppage.

Lou Brookmyre was sent out to calm Seth Wish down on account of him holding the respect of the entire locker room, resorting to trying to pull the cane out of his hands. Wish didn’t appreciate this, pushing the 56-year-old over. He looked remorseful, but then proceeded to whack the road agent three times with the cane too. Ouch, perhaps I wouldn’t have agreed to that bump after all. Sorry Lou.

DIW Championship: Milton Hittlespitz (c) v Rob Edwards
For the second year in a row, the final match on the DIW calendar saw Milton and Edwards fighting for the DIW Title. Their knowledge of one another told the story of the match, with The Human Weapon simply rolling out of the ring the first time Milton went for his Flying Knee Drop, and Crazy Blue ducking Edwards’ Roundhouse Kick once either side of that. That second miss gave Milton the initiative, hitting a Russian Leg Sweep and Rolling Senton, giving him the chance to climb the turnbuckle again to attempt a Flying Knee Drop. At that moment, Cesar Sionis, Gyula Lakatos and Death Ref appeared at the top of the ramp. Milton made a surprising decision, retreating off the turnbuckle and helping Edwards to his feet. They exchanged a nod as the Ares Death Cult members edged closer, taking one side of the ring each to prepare for their arrival. Milton felt a strike to the back of his head: had Lloyd Banks ambushed him? No, it was Edwards, who waited for him to slowly rise to his feet before landing a second Roundhouse Kick to the front of the head, securing the pinfall.

Now Death Ref entered the ring with Cesar and Gyula behind him, the leader locked in an intense stare with Edwards, only to break into a smile and embrace the new DIW Champion. Lloyd Banks and I made our entrance at this point, with me grabbing the title off Tatum to present to our newest member. Death Ref said he thought The Barracudas were a lot of things, but he didn’t think they were stupid. The Barracudas won one six-man match and thought they’d won the war. They said they were ready to move past Ares Death Cult and onto bigger things in 2023. They faced a few nobodies tonight and went home.

He said Ares Death Cult didn’t wait to move onto bigger things, they did it the same night. They won every title in DIW and added a Human Weapon to their arsenal. The Barracudas talked about winning the war without realising: the war hadn’t even started yet. With that, Edwards, Cesar, Gyula and Banks all raised their new titles, while Death Ref and I stood in front of our champions cackling.

[AboardTheArk]

This show felt like a complete swerve to me, but I was rooting for Rob to walk away with the title and got what I wanted. I am sure someone in a message board is complaining about nepotism booking and Lori making sure her guys stay on top, despite the fact this is only the beginning. 

 

I am thinking something big is coming in year 2. 

[619]

Thanks as always for reading and responding: I really appreciate it. I tried to gently tease what might happen with the idea that it's hard to get/stay on top in DIW right now on your own, and how that had cost Edwards at Damage Control, plus Death Ref using Edwards' phrasing of "flaming Barracudas" was a hidden hint that they had been talking.

But it's true that I tried to disguise the plan for War Machine as much as possible at Chaos Engine by having The Barracudas beat Ares Death Cult so decisively, and putting Edwards in a match where he'd be cheered. I figured fans would expect Edwards to beat Milton having lost to him twice before, so wanted to surprise them with how he did it instead. And I definitely agree with you: it would be hard to dispute criticism of Lori putting her own group over after that show.

Part 48: An overdue explanation

“You’re telling me a bloke from Perth you’ve never met left $5 million to DIW when he died”, I found myself asking The Comedian, perplexed by what he was saying.

“It’s a little under $2 million once you factor in taxes and overheads,” was his matter-of-fact response.

“That’s not the part I’m finding hard to believe.”

“The bloke had more money that he could spend. Looks like he gave what he had left to businesses he felt were underappreciated: $5 million to us, $5 million to a porn studio and $5 million to a tobacconist. I’m not sure about the other $5 million.”

“Cockfighting probably based on that record. But that’s not the point. You knew about this for months and you addressed our fans about it two months ago, so why are you only telling me now?”

“The crowd thing was a bad call. I haven’t been telling anyone though, I’ve been figuring out what to do.”

“Well you almost certainly told Lou, and he reports to me.”

“Reports? What kind of company do you think this is?”

“I just mean you trusted some people but not me, and I’m supposed to be your second-in-command.”

“I was keeping it quiet. You’re married to one of our blokes and best friends with at least three others. I couldn’t risk it.”

“Did you think I might blab to 300 people like you did?”

“Watch the flaming attitude.”

“Or were you blanking me because you were shopping for a new booker with your money?”

“If I fire you, I’ll tell you to clear off. I won’t be worried about your feelings. I didn’t talk to you before I fired Big Jim, and when it’s your turn to go, you’ll know before your replacement too.”

I finally bit my tongue, aware that I’d been a lot more confrontational than I felt comfortable with and sensing that, even if he wasn’t planning to fire me, one more sassy remark might change his mind.

“Look, I’m telling you about the money now. Go home, enjoy Christmas, get over yourself and meet Lou and I on Wednesday to figure out what all of this means for DIW in 2023.”

Edited October 6, 2022 by 619

[619]

Part 49: Best and worst of DIW 2022

Fighter of the Year: Rob Edwards
There were cases to be made for Blitz Simpson, who elevated several undercard matches and ended the year in outstanding form, and Milton Hittlespitz, who contested three of our top four matches. However, the common denominator in our three best matches of 2022 was Rob Edwards. He only participated in three singles main events in 2022 – against Gyula Lakatos at Hardcore Heatwave and Milton at Damage Control and War Machine – and they were the three best matches of the year, making his fourth title reign thoroughly deserved.

Most Popular Fighter: Blitz Simpson
At the start of the year, Vaughan slightly edged out fellow Barracudas Blitz and Chopper Rourke, plus Milton and Edwards as our most popular fighter by a narrow margin. However, despite Gyula and Cesar Sionis closing the gap on those five and Milton and Edwards raising the bar at Damage Control and War Machine, it was Blitz getting the loudest reactions at the last few shows, regardless of Milton’s continued groundswell of support. Blitz certainly wasn’t my best friend, but his popularity and performance level had both been undeniable.

Rising Star: Lloyd Banks
There were two standout candidates in this category, so it was a bit of a coin toss. Wrecker had consistently risen since rescuing Mr. Pink from his fellow Warriors in February. The initial idea was to start presenting him as a vigilante taking the fight to DIW’s many wrongdoers, but the team worked so well that they became a regular thing, coming so close to the tag titles in November. But aged 24 and given more spotlight, it was inevitable Wrecker would step up. At 33, Banks’ ascent was more surprising. He went from losing at the first three shows of 2022 to main-eventing the second last and winning the Australian Title at the last, having a spotlight singles match with five-time DIW Champion Vaughan along the way.

Falling Star: God Of War
Vaughan, Chopper Rourke and The Anarchist all offered hints their best years were behind them in 2022, but it was oldest roster member God Of War who endured the biggest fall from grace, losing all four of his matches and only being booked once in the last nine months. He was closing in on a decade in DIW, but had never felt more irrelevant due to a combination of being booked as an afterthought and doing nothing in the ring to change my mind.

Match of the Year: Milton Hittlespitz v Rob Edwards (War Machine)
Like all great trilogies, the story built in the first two matches elevated the third part so much higher than it would have been in isolation. Most fans probably guessed that Edwards wouldn’t lose to his smaller rival three times in a row. However, the ending still caught some by surprise as he regained Crazy Blue’s respect after the second fight by citing their shared status as the only main eventers in DIW to do things on their own terms, only to then align with Ares Death Cult to take back the title he lost to Milton at the same show a year earlier.

Show of the Year: War Machine
This was clearly the most eventful show of 2022 with all three titles changing, Ares Death Cult recovering from their Chaos Engine loss to The Barracudas by sweeping all the gold and recruiting Edwards and Seth Wish’s new ruthless streak. The match quality was high too. In addition to Milton v Edwards being match of the year, Two Badass MFers v Cesar and Gyula was tag fight of the year, Kobra Khan v Banks was 2022’s best Australian Title bout and The Barracudas v The Anarchist, Cueball and Tank was much better than it had any right to be.

Main Event Count
7: Gyula Lakatos, Milton Hittlespitz
4: Rob Edwards
3: Blitz Simpson, Cesar Sionis, Chopper Rourke
1: Kobra Khan, Lloyd Banks, Mr. Pink, Wrecker, Vaughan

[619]

Part 50: An unexpected call

Two days after Christmas and one before the 2023 planning meeting the boss and Lou had invited me to, my head was spinning. I couldn’t settle on being excited about DIW suddenly coming into money or angry at being kept in the dark for so long, untrusted by the man I’d worked over 13 years for. The call I received that afternoon made everything even cloudier.

“Hi Lori. It’s Gerard Knights from Cutting Edge Wrestling. I hope you had a great Christmas, but I don’t want to waste time with small talk. I want to say two things to you that I wouldn’t say to anyone else.

“Firstly, you did the right thing turning me down five years ago: you’ve made yourself even more valuable since. I guess that boss of yours does make one good decision in every 100. Secondly, I don’t normally give someone a second chance when they turn me down, but you’re worth making an exception for.

“I know you’ve been a DIW lifer, and that loyalty stopped you from making the move last time, but there’s a ceiling to what you can achieve there, and I think you’ve reached it. It’s always going to be the same 300 fans in the same building. And you’re always going to have those stuck-in-their-ways blokes telling you how it should be done and criticising your work.

“I can give you a national audience, 90 minutes of TV a week and the chance to reach the top of this industry. And I can back you with millions of dollars. The Comedian will never be able to match that.

“The only thing I can’t give you is time. I’m going to need an answer by Thursday because we have to start building for Suckerpunch but, if you need longer than that, it already tells me that it isn’t meant to be. Make the right decision Lori.”