I want to win her back

[AfRoMaN36]

Okay... mind you, I have been drinking. However, my emotions are real, sober or not. I want my girlfriend back.

 

We dated briefly, however in that brief period she made me the happiest man on Earth. She is a great human being, very cool to be with and highly energetic.

At first, I was skeptical, but found myself falling for her quickly. She completed me as tacky as that sounds and while my world was falling apart (lost my job, going broke, etc) she kept my head straight.

 

She however broke up with me, because while she found me to be the perfect boyfriend, she didn't feel for me in that way. I did in fact act feminine, but in all fairness, this was mostly because I was fresh off a relationship where I was broken down mentally and so tired of fighting, I just said "yes babe" to everything she said. This made me very recessive. And while this is a nice trait for a husband, this isn't sexy. She lost attraction for me once I dropped the shields and showed her this "guy."

 

However, this isn't a fair representation of me, she was technically a rebound when I wanted her to be the one. Well, not the one... just someone I could be with for a while. I know I'm better than that and when I realized what was wrong, I was a day late and a dollar short.

 

Now, forget your opinion of "just move on" I don't want to hear it. I am dead set, I want her back. she really likes me and cried herself off the phone while dumping me, I made the mistake of acting like I did with my ex and I just need to re-attract her. I want you guys to help me. I know most of my fellow GDS...ers are mostly nerds (like me) but give me your advice, I know she wants to be with me again, but I need a plan. Please give me your best advice on how I win someone back. Please, no joke responses, I am actually pretty heartbroken right now. And I hope my semi-decent status on the Dog Pound will get me some serious responses.

 

And in case you didn't know... I am drunk, so if my post sounded like rambling.... that is why. Thanks guys. I love you all.

 

...Women....

[Tha Black Phenom]

Uh.. if you really want her back, try to get her to reminisce the things you both enjoyed as a couple or a couple-to-be. Heck, try to find what helped you guys get closer as time went by, whether it be that sheer feeling in the air, or if you have several things in common.

 

Could start with sending a letter, telling her how you feel in written words.

[BurningHamster]

How did I know this was an Afroman post just from the title.

 

Try peeing in her mailbox, never tried it myself but maybe that is where I am going wrong. Let me know how it turns out.

[Mr T Jobs To Me]

Why did somebody bump this? Oh, it's a new thread...

[Nedew]

And in case you didn't know... I am drunk,

 

If it worked for you, it'll work for her...

[AfRoMaN36]

I was thinking perhaps give it a week off, then tell her I just want to be friends. Then while I hang out with her I can be just be the guy I wasn't. Or better yet, the guy she first got attracted to.

[Nedew]

I was thinking perhaps give it a week off, then tell her I just want to be friends. Then while I hang out with her I can be just be the guy I wasn't. Or better yet, the guy she first got attracted to.

 

Whoa whoa whoa, your solution to getting into a relationship with someone is by being friends? Are you signing up to become the guy she "doesn't see like that"!?

[UkWrestleFan]

Best thing you can do? Tell her exactly how you feel, that you want her back and want to give it another go between you.

 

There was a girl I was really good friends with. We went out a handful of time (as friends, of course) and I realized that I actually loved her, like proper love. We had tons in common, made each other laugh, could talk for hours without any awkward silences. I genuinely thought we were perfect for each other. The problem? I didn't know what to do, what to say, how to tell her. And, I didn't want to lose her as a friend. I thought if I told her it would freak her out etc.

 

To this day, I wish I had said something. There's every possibility I wouldn't have got a negative reaction and that she wanted me, too. She's with somebody now and seemingly very happy which is brilliant but I sometimes think things could've been so different.

 

Ah well.

[Remianen]

I know most of my fellow GDS...ers are mostly nerds (like me)

 

Correction: Some of us are geeks. What's the difference? Well, geeks turn their nerdish qualities/interests into....income.

 

While I don't have any personal experience in this area, I've helped enough friends to have some anecdotal evidence I can probably share.

 

First things first, if it worked on one woman, there are no guarantees it'll work on another. Women are indeed snowflakes, their common measure being, they can be melted (or frozen, if they're big enough. <Dice Man> OH! </Dice Man> ).

 

If this woman is as great as you say or think, level with her. Tell her the truth. Lay it on the line and tell her, then give her time to think it over. It might be best to do this when you're NOT inebriated though.

 

Personally I can't see what the fuss is about. She dumped you when you were in a bad place emotionally. Not really the type of woman I'd want to be associated with. After all, not every day in a relationship is going to be starfish & coffee, maple syrup & jam (butterscotch clouds, a tambourine, with a side order of ham).

 

In the future, not allowing a woman to break you down mentally is probably the best way to ensure this doesn't occur again. If the woman who gave birth to you doesn't do that, why allow a woman who didn't that privilege? Might seem harsh but I don't see why you're stressin' her. She made the decision to break it off so why are you experiencing 'Survivor's Guilt'?

[praguepride]

Dude...

 

She however broke up with me, because while she found me to be the perfect boyfriend, she didn't feel for me in that way.

 

Watch 500 Days of Summer as the movie illustrates this point beautifully. No matter how "good" you are to someone, you can't force them to love you. If you really love her then you'd move on. Otherwise your asking her to settle, to compromise her vision and expectations of love. Sure that might be fine for you now but what about 5 years later? Or 10? That compromise will breed resentment and will eventually lead in tragedy. Meanwhile you've basically ruined X months/years of both your lives trying to force a relationship that doesn't work.

 

I'm not saying you should just give up whenever a relationship goes sour, but both sides have to truly love each other to have any shot at having a decent relationship. Relationships can quickly become a huge investment in time and energy to keep the working, and if you don't love the other person you spend the whole time thinking "why the hell am I putting myself through this?"

[SuperOwens]

I love these threads

 

Listen to me, im awesome.

 

You need to not call her, not see her, not text her. No contact at all. When she tries to contact you, be nice but explain your busy and that you have got to go. Tell her your hanging out here and doing this, be nice. Say you will call her back, but dont.

 

Do this a couple of times and see what happens, I bet you start getting her telling she misses you being around and all that.

 

Worse case, nothing happens but at least you still have your respect.

[cappyboy]

Best thing you can do? Tell her exactly how you feel, that you want her back and want to give it another go between you.

 

I'll respond to the anecdote another time if the opportunity presents itself. It's a good topic all its own in its way. But since he scared her off initially by being too sappy and vulernable, he needs to find a balance here. To every thing there is a time under heaven and all that stuff Pete Seeger borrowed from the Bible. Seems like the old literary rule might work best here. Show; don't tell. Show her you can been exciting and attractive again and then tell her the sappy stuff as the tender moments occur naturally.

 

As men, we are so often taught to press the issues in our lives, work out solutions and implement them. The problem with this in affairs of the heart is that we aren't the only player involved. We aren't taught how to integrate with others as you need to in love matters. Instead we try to eat the whole elephant at once and try to understand Women rather try to figure out what really matters. Understanding the one before us.

 

My advice to you, AfroMan, is that you know this chick better than any of the rest of us do. You know what works with her and what doesn't. And presumably you know how to do it without seeming desparate. So do those things and make it seem casual so you're pursuing her without being obvious about it. If it feels forced, she'll see that and you'll have double blown it.

[UkWrestleFan]

Dude...

 

 

 

Watch 500 Days of Summer as the movie illustrates this point beautifully. No matter how "good" you are to someone, you can't force them to love you. If you really love her then you'd move on. Otherwise your asking her to settle, to compromise her vision and expectations of love. Sure that might be fine for you now but what about 5 years later? Or 10? That compromise will breed resentment and will eventually lead in tragedy. Meanwhile you've basically ruined X months/years of both your lives trying to force a relationship that doesn't work.

 

I'm not saying you should just give up whenever a relationship goes sour, but both sides have to truly love each other to have any shot at having a decent relationship. Relationships can quickly become a huge investment in time and energy to keep the working, and if you don't love the other person you spend the whole time thinking "why the hell am I putting myself through this?"

 

Experienced this (kind of) myself lately.

 

Broke up with my girlfriend three-weeks ago. We were together 8-months and for about 5 or 6 of those months things were great. But, I woke up one day and realized that I didn't actually love her, not the way she loved me. I thought that maybe I was just having bad day so didn't act on it but the days turned into weeks and the weeks into months. I was afraid of splitting up with her because I knew it would hurt her (and it did) but I couldn't stay with just out of fear of hurting her because I'd end up resenting her so I took the plunge.

 

Last three-weeks have been difficult, mainly for her but I think we're both getting back a sense of normallity. I'm sure she's still hurting but she tries not to show it but really, it was best for us both.

[UkWrestleFan]

I'll respond to the anecdote another time if the opportunity presents itself. It's a good topic all its own in its way. But since he scared her off initially by being too sappy and vulernable, he needs to find a balance here. To every thing there is a time under heaven and all that stuff Pete Seeger borrowed from the Bible. Seems like the old literary rule might work best here. Show; don't tell. Show her you can been exciting and attractive again and then tell her the sappy stuff as the tender moments occur naturally.

 

As men, we are so often taught to press the issues in our lives, work out solutions and implement them. The problem with this in affairs of the heart is that we aren't the only player involved. We aren't taught how to integrate with others as you need to in love matters. Instead we try to eat the whole elephant at once and try to understand Women rather try to figure out what really matters. Understanding the one before us.

 

My advice to you, AfroMan, is that you know this chick better than any of the rest of us do. You know what works with her and what doesn't. And presumably you know how to do it without seeming desparate. So do those things and make it seem casual so you're pursuing her without being obvious about it. If it feels forced, she'll see that and you'll have double blown it.

 

This is better than my advise, Afro. Not so sure I'd use SuperOwen's approach, though.

[AfRoMaN36]

Yeah I saw the movie. Very eerie how similar the main characters situation is to mine. Esspecially considering who I saw the movie with.

 

Also, I'm not trying to get her back by joining the friend zone. I was hoping maybe Id get with someone else. (already have one in mind) all the while being totally neutral with her and acting as the cool guy I was when I got her. (don't be fooled, I got game yo) honestly though, it's worth a shot. I feel as if I have nothing else to lose.

 

And yeah Remi, you have a point. She did leave me while I was in a bad place, but to be fair, she's the reason I didn't sink into depression faster. I want to forget and move on, but I know she didn't really see "me." she saw "just got out of a bad relationship where I was so broken down I became a whiny puss" me. I wasn't given a fair shake and I know she will like who I am.

 

And superowens... that's aomewhere along the lines of my thinking. Lol

[AfRoMaN36]

I'll respond to the anecdote another time if the opportunity presents itself. It's a good topic all its own in its way. But since he scared her off initially by being too sappy and vulernable, he needs to find a balance here. To every thing there is a time under heaven and all that stuff Pete Seeger borrowed from the Bible. Seems like the old literary rule might work best here. Show; don't tell. Show her you can been exciting and attractive again and then tell her the sappy stuff as the tender moments occur naturally.

 

As men, we are so often taught to press the issues in our lives, work out solutions and implement them. The problem with this in affairs of the heart is that we aren't the only player involved. We aren't taught how to integrate with others as you need to in love matters. Instead we try to eat the whole elephant at once and try to understand Women rather try to figure out what really matters. Understanding the one before us.

 

My advice to you, AfroMan, is that you know this chick better than any of the rest of us do. You know what works with her and what doesn't. And presumably you know how to do it without seeming desparate. So do those things and make it seem casual so you're pursuing her without being obvious about it. If it feels forced, she'll see that and you'll have double blown it.

 

Very good points you make here.

I was planning on maybe meeting someone else. (I already have someone in mind) all the while ignoring her for a week or so then tell her casually I'd like to be friends. Then hang out with her and do everythig I did with her on the first date (show up late, tease her, not take her home) then tell her I met someone else. I know 100% that this will kill her. It's worth a shot, what do you think?

[Remianen]

As men, we are so often taught to press the issues in our lives, work out solutions and implement them. The problem with this in affairs of the heart is that we aren't the only player involved. We aren't taught how to integrate with others as you need to in love matters. Instead we try to eat the whole elephant at once and try to understand Women rather try to figure out what really matters. Understanding the one before us.

 

This is a generalization that I think is (or can be) extremely destructive. I, for one, have never been like that romantically. Personally (with friends) and professionally? Hell yes. But romantically, um, no. I've been called a 'textbook Aquarian' which I think is supposed to mean something profound but hell if I know what it is.

 

Like women, men are snowflakes too. Our common thread is what tends to happen when blood intended for the high rent district of the body, winds up diverted to the ghetto, if you get my meaning.

 

Afroman, I wholeheartedly disagree with you though. I think you're shirking responsibility here. You say that the person she came to know 'wasn't really you' and if that's the case, who was he? What's the name on that guy's ID say? I'm about to get really 'new age' here but that person was you. He was an aspect of your personality. He could be you again if the circumstances were right. I believe that every experience we have becomes a part of us on some level. It becomes another drop of water in the well of wisdom we can draw from. Lessons learned, secrets kept, the experiences of those close to and around us, all of that becomes part of who we are as people. When I was younger, I had a temper, a borderline murderous temper. That didn't mean I flipped out when someone looked at me wrong. I had a long fuse but once I got to the end of it, someone was going to have a lengthy stay in a medical institution. I caught a case at 8 for beating a bully to within an inch of his life. I didn't have to go to Family Court because I defended myself, I had to go because of the extent of the injuries said bully suffered. The presiding judge looked at all the testimony and threw the case out. BUT she ordered that I had to seek counseling to control said temper. Now, does that mean that the person who beat the snot out of a bully and consciously tried to kill him "wasn't me"? No. I still have a temper. The difference is, I learned gee, almost 30 years ago, to control and focus that anger in constructive ways. It fuels me, in essence.

 

That's why I have a problem with her actions. You're not going to be 'happy go lucky' or 'James Bond' every day. What happens when you're 'Homer Simpson'? Is she gonna bail again? Can you be sure she's 'down to ride' or is she going to evaporate when the heat is on, like a morning mist? That may not be important to you right now, but eventually it will be.

[Astil]

Afro, you need to move. Find a place with better women. You seem to be getting all the bad luck.

 

My humble advise ... move on.

[Nedew]

Like women, men are snowflakes too. Our common thread is what tends to happen when blood intended for the high rent district of the body, winds up diverted to the ghetto, if you get my meaning.

 

I agreed with the rest of your post, but i can honestly say no, i do not get your meaning here.

 

'Diverted to the ghetto'? Your arse? Are you saying that we sh*t blood all too often?

 

Edit: Ah, just realised the meaning a bit too late there. I thought by 'high rent district' you were implying your c*ck, when in actual fact you meant heart. Well, shows how i think eh...

[Astil]

I agreed with the rest of your post, but i can honestly say no, i do not get your meaning here.

 

'Diverted to the ghetto'? Your arse? Are you saying that we sh*t blood all too often?

 

Edit: Ah, just realised the meaning a bit too late there. I thought by 'high rent district' you were implying your c*ck, when in actual fact you meant heart. Well, shows how i think eh...

 

I think high rent is brain, ghetto being the little AfroMan.

[Self]

"The Ghetto?" not the most impressive name for one I've ever heard. I call mine "Excalibur". Then at least the name inspires awe and wonder...

[Astil]

"The Ghetto?" not the most impressive name for one I've ever heard. I call mine "Excalibur". Then at least the name inspires awe and wonder...

 

I don't need to name mine. However my lady friends have named it "daaaaaaaaamn" "oh my lord" and "will that fit?".

[Astil]

I don't need to name mine. However my lady friends have named it "daaaaaaaaamn" "oh my lord" and "will that fit?".

 

This is where Orange probably wanders in and says "nah we call it Mr. Softee"

 

Also:

 

http://i271.photobucket.com/albums/jj146/ekim941/thread_direction.gif

[praguepride]

This is where Orange probably wanders in and says "nah we call it Mr. Softee"

 

Also:

 

http://i271.photobucket.com/albums/jj146/ekim941/thread_direction.gif

 

Yeah baby, just like the ice cream

 

 

That's what you call a smooth recovery. Just like the ice cream

[AfRoMaN36]

This is a generalization that I think is (or can be) extremely destructive. I, for one, have never been like that romantically. Personally (with friends) and professionally? Hell yes. But romantically, um, no. I've been called a 'textbook Aquarian' which I think is supposed to mean something profound but hell if I know what it is.

 

Like women, men are snowflakes too. Our common thread is what tends to happen when blood intended for the high rent district of the body, winds up diverted to the ghetto, if you get my meaning.

 

Afroman, I wholeheartedly disagree with you though. I think you're shirking responsibility here. You say that the person she came to know 'wasn't really you' and if that's the case, who was he? What's the name on that guy's ID say? I'm about to get really 'new age' here but that person was you. He was an aspect of your personality. He could be you again if the circumstances were right. I believe that every experience we have becomes a part of us on some level. It becomes another drop of water in the well of wisdom we can draw from. Lessons learned, secrets kept, the experiences of those close to and around us, all of that becomes part of who we are as people. When I was younger, I had a temper, a borderline murderous temper. That didn't mean I flipped out when someone looked at me wrong. I had a long fuse but once I got to the end of it, someone was going to have a lengthy stay in a medical institution. I caught a case at 8 for beating a bully to within an inch of his life. I didn't have to go to Family Court because I defended myself, I had to go because of the extent of the injuries said bully suffered. The presiding judge looked at all the testimony and threw the case out. BUT she ordered that I had to seek counseling to control said temper. Now, does that mean that the person who beat the snot out of a bully and consciously tried to kill him "wasn't me"? No. I still have a temper. The difference is, I learned gee, almost 30 years ago, to control and focus that anger in constructive ways. It fuels me, in essence.

 

That's why I have a problem with her actions. You're not going to be 'happy go lucky' or 'James Bond' every day. What happens when you're 'Homer Simpson'? Is she gonna bail again? Can you be sure she's 'down to ride' or is she going to evaporate when the heat is on, like a morning mist? That may not be important to you right now, but eventually it will be.

 

You make VERY great points and you honestly have me on the fence about everything.

 

I accept too much responsibility because I am a perfectionist. I seek to be the best at everything I do. And I'm one who is down on his luck and can't do anything right. I beat myself up for failures and esspecially failures that could've been different should I have done something else. Those eat me up.

 

But as far as the "I'm not that guy" goes... I should explain...

 

You know when you're asked to describe yourself to someone, you list features more prominent to your personality. (Confident, courageous, corney, etc) This doesn't mean you can't be insecure or a coward every now and then, but this isn't the norm.

 

When I was with her, I wasn't in th enorm. I was needy, insecure, sensitive and I thirved on her approval. However, I was only like this because the ex before her didn't like me standing up for myself, or having female friends, or having a life, or having opinions etc. Eventually I broke down and became a lapdog. This carried over to this relationship by default and before I realized this, I was a day late and a dollar short.

 

Now I do fear that I will get hurt again whether or not I get her back. But right now, I have nothing to lose, I'm at the bottom of my own barrell. I may as well try. I know she likes me, but I lost attraction from her acting like a whimp. She is a great person and at least was kind enough to leave me now instead of staying and growing resentful towards me. She cried like a baby breaking up with me saying she is "making a mistake. Leaving a great guy and that she tried to love me."

 

I don't know. I know I had her and lost her. I know I could be the happiest man on Earth if I can get her again to the level I had her before I lost her intrest. I want to remind her who she came in with, not who I turned out to be. I will do this, this feels too right to just give up on. I may get hurt again, but if i do nothing I will be haunted with what-ifs. I'm going for broke.